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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my
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Property ♪
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♪ don't care if the bank gave
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You a deed ♪
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♪ this farm's been cuyler land
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For generations ♪
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♪ since we beat back them sneaky
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Japanese ♪
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♪ in the war of 1812 ♪
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Bring our boys home.
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the
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Trim!
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>> rusty: so, daddy, seems like
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A pretty cool job -- sittin'
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There, readin' the funnies
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And everything.
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Is that -- that pretty much what
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You do all day?
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>> rusty: go over there.
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>> [ robotic voice ] Release.
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>> early: aah! Aah!
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I'm on fire! Help!
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>> dan halen: today, we're
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Testing oceanic musk, one of the
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Wonderful scents in our exciting
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New line of sexual warrior
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Body sprays.
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As you can see, our lead
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Scientist is currently
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Experiencing a slight stinging
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Sensation.
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[ all gasp ]
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Well...Enough of that.
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Come -- let's walk to the
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Cloning station, where we've
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Just finished re-animating the
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Dreaded gojira!
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[ all scream ]
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[ chuckles ]
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Just kidding.
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I...Just love hearing you people
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Scream.
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[ all sigh ]
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>> funnies.
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>> early: now, son, it's
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Turn.
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You get to read the funnies,
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Like a big man.
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>> rusty: daddy, I don't
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Really think --
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>> early: what?!
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>> rusty: I say I --
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>> early: no, in
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The good one!
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>> release.
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>> early: aah! Aah!
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>> dan halen: you're all so very
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Blessed to be here today.
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We're testing our new
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Earth-friendly hybrid -- made
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Entirely, I'm proud to say, of
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Recycled light bulbs, coffee
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Grounds, and soiled baby
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Diapers.
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[ grunts ]
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We'll just save this for the
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Commercial.
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You there, get in.
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>> early: yeah. Yes, sir.
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[ straining ] I-I'm comin'.
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>> dan halen: no!
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The healthy one.
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>> rusty: no, see, I'm here
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Just to expand my horizons and
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Everything, and, uh...
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T-this
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Work day," right?
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>> dan halen: no.
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This is
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Day."
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Now get in the car.
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Hurry up.
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The japanese are waiting.
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>> rusty: don't I need some
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Goggles or somethin'?
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>> rusty: goggles is for
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Pussies, son.
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Please don't be a pussy in front
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Of my boss.
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>> rusty: all right, daddy.
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>> dan halen: unleash!
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>> rusty: aaaaaah!!
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>> dan halen: now watch it
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Explode!
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>> early: rusty, no!
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My dependent deduction!
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>> rusty: aaaaaaah!
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[ screaming in slow motion ]
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[ alarm rings ]
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Yoo-hoo!
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Hoo-hoo! Ha ha!
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>> early: what the hell?
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You ain't hurt?
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>> rusty: I am invisible!
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Whoo! That was fun!
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I want to go ride that thing
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Again right now.
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>> early: well, hell.
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Let him go on again.
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>> rusty: hey, man, can I keep
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This thing here?
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>> dan halen: no!
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Let's see how he likes the coal
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Press.
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>> rusty: [ beeping ]
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[ backup signal beeping ]
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>> early: how you farin', son?
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>> rusty: whoo-hoo!
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>> early: whoo!
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>> dan halen: fine.
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You've had your day.
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But I wonder, are your balls to
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The wall enough to face down the
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Bashatizing smash master?!
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>> rusty: the what, now?
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>> dan halen: the ultimate truck
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Eater.
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Defeat the bashatizing smash
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Master and win an ipod.
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But you'll
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Bashatizing smash master!
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Do you hear me?! Never!
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>> rusty: do I get the ipod?
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I want me an ipod.
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>> early: what in the hell is it
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With all you young'uns always
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Wantin' ipods for every damn
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Thing?
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What a sad, sad damn statement
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This makes about your
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Generation.
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>> rusty: but -- but, daddy,
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I've always wanted --
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>> early: the ipod is mine.
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Now, rusty, there's a veritable,
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Cornucopic, plethora of various,
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Numeratous...Big number of kill
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Moves to use on that old
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Smash master.
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You got "The shields."
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>> rusty: uh, so that -- that's
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All there is to that?
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>> early: hold on. It's comin'.
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You got your belt fastened?
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Uh-oh.
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There's your "Plundered
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Undercarriage."
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The "Ten...Der...I...Zer."
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"Night on crushed pelvis
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Mountain."
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"Lucifer's numchuk."
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"The ron don jon van zant."
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"Dude, who punched my car in the
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Face?"
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And lastly...
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"Why is my chassis layin'
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Yet my engine is over yonder?"
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>> rusty: daddy, how you know so
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Much about crashin' cars?
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>> early: I was a champion
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Crack-up-derby driver in my day.
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You talk about a creative peak.
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[ chuckles ]
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I was like a fine artist.
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My car was my paintbrush.
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Save-mart parkin' lot was my
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Canvas.
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And my car was my paintbrush.
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13 was my age.
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My car, it was my paintbrush.
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Industrial lead-based cleanin'
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Solvent -- that there was my
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Beverage.
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And my car...
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>> rusty: was your paintbrush?
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>> early: yes, son.
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You could say that.
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>> rusty: all the names and the
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Moves and...
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It's just too much stuff, daddy.
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I-I don't think I can do it.
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>> early: son, if you find
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Yourself overwhelmed,
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Vistualatize them things you
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Want to have happen in your
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Mind.
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Then it'll come to be!
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>> rusty: and that works?
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>> early: hell yeah.
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Why, just this mornin', I was
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Visualatizing having $50 in my
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Hand.
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And sure enough, I had that $50
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And then some by noon.
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I will end you!
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You understand me?
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Also procured some of them new
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Pork rinds what's supposed to
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Have the flavor of hickory
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Chips.
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Not the damn sour cream!
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Give me them hickory-flavored!
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I heard good things about them!
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Now, look here, and you will see
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That the rinds have become a
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Reality through vistualization.
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>> rusty: so you're sayin', now,
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If I just visualatize it, then I
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Can blow up that tree with my
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Mind?
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>> early: try tape 8 --
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"Moving mountains."
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>> anyone can move mountains,
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But first, you need a mountain
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Mover.
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See it.
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Believe it.
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Now leave it.
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You probably won't ever have it.
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>> rusty: I see it.
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I do s-- I see it!
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[ motor revs ]
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>> early: you didn't see jack.
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Success is a journey, not a
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Destination.
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Tape 3, damn it!
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>> granny: mm.
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What's he gonna drive now?
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[ ting! ]
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>> early: the scooter.
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>> granny: now, if you want to
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Take 'em by sea, make sure and
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Use the boat.
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>> early: thank you, useless,
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Wrinkled, flappy bitch.
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Just finish the spot-weld and
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Shut your uppity gums.
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>> granny: 'bout to weld your
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Face.
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Call me a bitch.
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>> dan halen: and now please
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Remove your hats, shirts, and
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Any other camouflage, outdoor
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Gear you felt was appropriate to
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Wear in public for the singing
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Of our national anthem,
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As performed by former
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Heavyweight contender
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Eric "Butterbean" esch!
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>> I dedicate this song to
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America.
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♪ o! Say can you see ♪
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♪ by the dawn's early light ♪
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♪ what so proudly we hailed ♪
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>> early: now's your chance,
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Boy.
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Go on. Get the jump on 'em.
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>> rusty: want me to get in the
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Car right now?
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>> early: all right, son! Go!
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[ all shouting ]
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>> ♪ o'er rampits were
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Watching ♪
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>> early: break out the
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Pulverizer!
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>> granny: go for the trifecta,
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Boy!
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>> rusty: assisted suicide,
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Baby.
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>> early: "Spider dream"!
287
00:08:02,017 --> 00:08:03,020
>> no!
288
00:08:03,022 --> 00:08:05,005
>> early: "Fender blender"!
289
00:08:05,007 --> 00:08:07,005
"Insurance information
290
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:08,008
Exchange"!
291
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:10,003
You ain't got none! Run!
292
00:08:10,005 --> 00:08:13,004
>> ♪ o! Say, does the star... ♪
293
00:08:13,006 --> 00:08:14,019
>> early: "Side plunge"!
294
00:08:14,021 --> 00:08:16,013
"Death in the afternoon"!
295
00:08:16,015 --> 00:08:18,014
>> oh, no! It's malignant!
296
00:08:18,016 --> 00:08:19,016
[ cows moo ]
297
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,010
>> ♪ land of the free ♪
298
00:08:21,012 --> 00:08:23,013
Take the damn hat off, or I'm
299
00:08:23,015 --> 00:08:25,002
Gonna take it off
300
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:25,017
Hey!
301
00:08:25,019 --> 00:08:27,006
You got somethin' to say?
302
00:08:27,008 --> 00:08:29,013
[ scuffling ]
303
00:08:29,015 --> 00:08:32,021
[ dramatic music plays ]
304
00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:36,008
[ crowd cheers ]
305
00:08:36,010 --> 00:08:37,011
>> [ roars ]
306
00:08:37,013 --> 00:08:39,017
>> early: saint valdosta.
307
00:08:40,027 --> 00:08:45,006
>> [ roars ]
308
00:08:45,008 --> 00:08:47,001
>> granny: I've seen bigger.
309
00:08:47,003 --> 00:08:49,007
[ siren wails ]
310
00:08:49,009 --> 00:08:50,019
>> sheriff: uh, I-I'm sorry,
311
00:08:50,021 --> 00:08:51,017
Sir, but --
312
00:08:51,019 --> 00:08:52,029
>> [ shrieks ]
313
00:08:53,001 --> 00:08:54,010
>> rusty: oh, no! I'm gonna die!
314
00:08:54,012 --> 00:08:55,015
>> early: take him with the
315
00:08:55,017 --> 00:08:55,026
Boat!
316
00:08:55,028 --> 00:08:57,001
Vistualize it, like the pork
317
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:57,013
Rinds!
318
00:08:57,015 --> 00:08:58,023
>> rusty: but I'm scared, daddy!
319
00:08:58,025 --> 00:08:59,027
>> early: do it, rusty!
320
00:08:59,029 --> 00:09:01,000
I'll keep him occupied!
321
00:09:01,002 --> 00:09:02,005
>> rusty: o-okay, daddy.
322
00:09:02,007 --> 00:09:02,024
I'll do it.
323
00:09:02,026 --> 00:09:04,024
>> [ growls ]
324
00:09:04,026 --> 00:09:06,011
>> rusty: I can see it, daddy!
325
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,005
I can see it!
326
00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:08,003
He's goin' down.
327
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:08,029
He's goin' down!
328
00:09:09,001 --> 00:09:10,009
>> early: that's right, boy.
329
00:09:10,011 --> 00:09:11,011
Keep them eyes closed.
330
00:09:11,013 --> 00:09:12,007
You're doin' it.
331
00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,010
>> rusty: daddy, no!
332
00:09:13,012 --> 00:09:14,015
>> early: no, no, no!
333
00:09:14,017 --> 00:09:15,009
Keep 'em closed!
334
00:09:15,011 --> 00:09:17,023
I'm gonna win!
335
00:09:17,025 --> 00:09:19,020
>> rusty: daddy, how could you?
336
00:09:19,022 --> 00:09:22,007
>> early: "Rattlesnake at a...
337
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:24,018
Thai weddin'" -- my signature
338
00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:25,029
Move.
339
00:09:26,001 --> 00:09:27,012
>> rusty: wait a minute, daddy.
340
00:09:27,014 --> 00:09:28,015
I'm do-- I'm doin' it!
341
00:09:28,017 --> 00:09:29,023
I'm vistualizing it, daddy!
342
00:09:29,025 --> 00:09:30,015
I'm doin' it!
343
00:09:30,017 --> 00:09:31,010
>> early: oh, yeah, boy!
344
00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:31,028
You're doin' it!
345
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,025
>> granny: no!
346
00:09:32,027 --> 00:09:34,025
It's the tongue crane!
347
00:09:34,027 --> 00:09:35,025
>> [ roars ]
348
00:09:35,027 --> 00:09:37,002
>> granny: ohhh!
349
00:09:37,004 --> 00:09:38,023
They won't live past the
350
00:09:38,025 --> 00:09:39,028
Bicuspids!
351
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,004
[ both scream ]
352
00:09:42,006 --> 00:09:42,019
>> hi.
353
00:09:42,021 --> 00:09:43,028
Can I just take a couple
354
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,008
Of minutes of your time?
355
00:09:45,010 --> 00:09:46,024
I have a few short questions.
356
00:09:46,026 --> 00:09:48,001
You don't mind, right?
357
00:09:48,003 --> 00:09:49,027
You could win an ipod.
358
00:09:49,029 --> 00:09:51,010
>> rusty: all right, then.
359
00:09:51,012 --> 00:09:52,024
>> is your household income
360
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:55,022
"A" -- $0 to $40, "B" -- $41 to
361
00:09:55,024 --> 00:09:58,028
$10,000, or "C" -- $10,000 to
362
00:09:59,000 --> 00:09:59,020
Unlimited dollars?
363
00:09:59,022 --> 00:10:00,023
>> rusty: does that count our
364
00:10:00,025 --> 00:10:01,014
Welfare money --
365
00:10:01,016 --> 00:10:02,019
>> granny: shut your mouth, boy!
366
00:10:02,021 --> 00:10:04,008
>> early: son, don't talk about
367
00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:06,017
Our monies to the government.
368
00:10:06,019 --> 00:10:08,001
>> rusty: no comment.
369
00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:09,014
>> it's probably "A."
370
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:11,015
I'm gonna go ahead and say "A."
371
00:10:11,017 --> 00:10:13,023
Question 2 -- would you use
372
00:10:13,025 --> 00:10:16,011
Appalachian temptation male body
373
00:10:16,013 --> 00:10:18,027
Spray "A" -- once a day, "B" --
374
00:10:18,029 --> 00:10:21,012
Three times a day, or "C" -- at
375
00:10:21,014 --> 00:10:23,020
All times all day every day
376
00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:24,024
Until the end of days?
377
00:10:24,026 --> 00:10:26,001
>> granny: don't answer that
378
00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:26,017
Question.
379
00:10:26,019 --> 00:10:27,018
>> early: that's right.
380
00:10:27,020 --> 00:10:28,025
Don't tell him a damn thing.
381
00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,020
>> super.
382
00:10:29,022 --> 00:10:31,026
Now, inbred flotsam, please put
383
00:10:31,028 --> 00:10:34,004
Your address and phone number --
384
00:10:34,006 --> 00:10:36,002
If you know how to write --
385
00:10:36,004 --> 00:10:37,010
On each card.
386
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:39,017
Or the scary monster will rise
387
00:10:39,019 --> 00:10:40,028
Up and eat you!
388
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,010
>> early: aah! Aah! Aah!
389
00:10:42,012 --> 00:10:43,021
>> rusty: what the hell
390
00:10:43,023 --> 00:10:44,011
Happened?
391
00:10:44,013 --> 00:10:45,008
Am I dead?
392
00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:47,013
>> granny: it appears the entire
393
00:10:47,015 --> 00:10:48,029
Derby was just a mass
394
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:50,026
Hallucination brought on by
395
00:10:50,028 --> 00:10:52,019
Illegal testin' of a very
396
00:10:52,021 --> 00:10:54,008
Dangerous body spray.
397
00:10:54,010 --> 00:10:56,015
We've all been exposed to it.
398
00:10:56,017 --> 00:10:58,021
And the long-term effects are,
399
00:10:58,023 --> 00:11:00,005
At this time...
400
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:02,008
Quite unknown.
401
00:11:02,010 --> 00:11:03,021
>> early: so who gets the ipod?
402
00:11:03,023 --> 00:11:05,004
>> dan halen: the ipod was also
403
00:11:05,006 --> 00:11:06,011
Part of the hallucination.
404
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,011
>> early: aw, damn it!
405
00:11:08,013 --> 00:11:10,028
[ all screaming ]
406
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,000
>> dan halen: yes. Japan?
407
00:11:12,002 --> 00:11:13,001
Mishu, mishu.
408
00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:15,003
The tuesday launch is a go.
25011
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