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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ my dreams are all dead and
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Buried ♪
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♪ sometimes I wish the sun would
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Just explode ♪
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♪ when god comes and calls me to
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His kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you sons of
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Bitches when I go ♪
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[ yodeling ]
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ techno music plays ]
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>> well, looky there, y'all.
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A blimp.
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>> actually, young man, I think
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They call that a dirigible.
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>> it is not a dirigible, but a
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Zeppelin that descended from the
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Heavens.
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[ sizzle! ]
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Aah!
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Holy mother of god.
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>> well, look at that.
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>> this kind of stings.
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>> I reckon I'll be calling in
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Sick today.
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[ people screaming ]
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>> dan halen: [ laughs evilly ]
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>> sheriff: uh, hey, there,
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Mr. Halen.
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>> help me! Help!
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>> dan halen: [ laughs evilly ]
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>> sheriff: look, I hate to be a
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Pain, but I don't know if you've
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Seen this cloud out there.
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>> dan halen: it's not a cloud.
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It's a body spray.
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It's called ice wind.
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And it is exquisite.
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>> sheriff: oh, I know, but...
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>> dan halen: but what?
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>> sheriff: well, it's kinda
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Strippin' all the flesh off of
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The -- you know, the bones of
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The townspeople.
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>> dan halen: what are you
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Saying, that it works better as
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A diet spray?
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Because that's actually a really
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Good idea.
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But we've already printed the
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Labels.
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Damn it!
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[ clears throat ]
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>> sheriff: actually, I-I was
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Hopin' that maybe you'd, uh...
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You could actually just...
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>> dan halen: stop?
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>> sheriff: [ laughing ] Oh,
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Boy.
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That'd be really great if you
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Could d-do that.
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>> dan halen: no.
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We've already printed the
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Labels.
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[ buzzer ]
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>> sheriff: I-is this a -- like
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A revenge thing, or -- or are
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You just mad at me for
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Somethin'?
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>> dan halen: look, my male body
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Spray must be tested.
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Otherwise, people could be hurt.
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Do you want that to happen...
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After the super bowl ad airs?!
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Because if you do, I suppose
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We could just --
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>> sheriff: oh, no, no, no.
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Don't do anything on my account.
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I wouldn't wanna impose.
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>> dan halen: why don't you just
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Arrest it, if you care so much?
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[ techno music plays ]
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[ handcuffs click, jingle ]
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>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]
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>> dan halen: [ groans ] What?
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>> sheriff: look, I gotta be
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Frank here.
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I-I've learned that there's no
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Way to stop the cloud.
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[ sizzle! ]
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So...Uh...
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I'm gonna have to ask you to
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Maybe not, uh, test your body
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Spray on any more folks, if
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That's okay with you.
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You know, I know you're busy and
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All that, but, uh...
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You're mad at me now, right?
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>> dan halen: who wants to be
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Sheriff?
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>> all: me! Me! Me! Me!
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>> I do! I do!
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>> dan halen: [ laughs ]
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The little one called it first.
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[ all groaning ]
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>> you're makin' a mistake.
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>> oh, shut up.
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I wanna make a change.
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[ birds chirping ]
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[ inhales deeply ]
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[ exhales deeply ]
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[ whack! ]
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>> early: you like that?!
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You like it?!
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Hell, I know you don't like it!
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That's why
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[ chuckles ]
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>> sheriff: no, that's fine.
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I don't care.
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>> early: and now I'm, uh...
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I'm gonna...
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I'm gonna ink all over it!
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Yeah!
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Come on over here. Pick it up.
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Get the ink on your hands and
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Raise your fist to the sky!
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"Damn that squid!" you'll say.
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"Outsmarted again!"
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[ chuckles ]
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>> sheriff: [ sighs ]
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>> rusty: and now we're puttin'
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A new one in, as part of our
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Court-mandated punishment.
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Hell yeah.
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Beat you to the punch, old man.
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Whoo-hoo!
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>> early: hang on, russell.
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Cease the hollerin'.
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Somethin' be amiss here.
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>> sheriff: the mailbox is out
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Of my jurisdiction now.
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Porch is, too.
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I'm deputy everywhere from this
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Stoop to...
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Well...Just this stoop.
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>> early: what the hell you
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Mean "Deputy"?
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>> sheriff: yeah, I report to
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This fire ant now.
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>> [ chatters ]
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>> sheriff: dan halen calls my
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New city "Unimportantburg."
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But I don't think that's the
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Real name of it.
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>> early: does, uh,
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Unimportantburg, uh, sell party
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Liquor on sundays?
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>> sheriff: oh, you bet.
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>> early: whoo! Hell yeah!
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>> sheriff: if we had stores.
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[ voice breaking ] But we don't.
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Whatever.
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I don't control nothin'.
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Oh, lordy.
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>> early: your town sucks.
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>> rusty: b-but, sheriff...
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>> sheriff: that's
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You.
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I'm goin' back to the old
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Pronunciation.
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>> rusty: well, who's runnin'
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The town?
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>> dan halen: good work, denny.
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You've arrested a...
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Fish...
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And your car.
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>> mm-hmm. Yep. I got it.
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Thank you.
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>> dan halen: any reason?
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>> suspicion, collusion...
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T-that car gonna use that
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Wide-mouth bass, gonna...
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Turn into a robot.
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Probably.
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>> dan halen: denny, I highly
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Doubt that.
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But if that's how you choose to
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Spend your weekend...
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>> I reckon I do.
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I'm the law.
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I done whittled this arm to get
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That piece of corn out of my
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Teeth that's been bugging me.
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It's been bugging me for two
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Weeks.
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>> dan halen: very impressive.
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Do you see that cloud outside?
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>> yuh-huh.
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>> dan halen: direct traffic
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Into it.
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>> sheriff: because it doesn't
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Make sense to outlaw magnifying
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Glasses.
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And I won't do it.
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>> [ chattering ]
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>> sheriff: I told you I'm not
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Gonna wiretap a piece of
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Watermelon.
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>> [ chattering ]
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>> sheriff: I don't give a damn.
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It's unconstitutional to --
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To fruits everywhere.
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>> [ chattering ]
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>> sheriff: well, take the damn
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Piece now.
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[ squish! ]
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But the badge stays.
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It's embroidered on here, see.
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See?
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Uh-oh.
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[ people screaming ]
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>> dan halen: denny, stop
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The testing.
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This has gone too far.
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We're practically giving the
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Product away at this point.
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>> hey, y'all.
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I'm gonna put this cloud down.
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>> sheriff: [ grunting ]
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Hey, guys.
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>> early: damn, sheriff.
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Is that you, boy?
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>> granny: mmm...
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Lookin' good, hollywood.
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>> sheriff: yeah, put on a
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Little muscle mass -- you know,
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Exercisin' a little, gettin'
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Toned up.
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>> granny: I like those blond
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Highlights and that new tattoo.
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>> sheriff: yep -- tribal band.
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Barbwire over here.
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Yeah, the designs have finally
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Reached georgia.
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Yeah, but y'all knew that.
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I've covered this pretty
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Extensively in my blog.
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>> rusty: dadgum, boy, you got
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You a blog?
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>> sheriff: yeah, "Sheriff's
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Riffz" -- with a "Z."
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I complain about things, pretend
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I'm a critic, you know, describe
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My dreams and stuff.
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Hell, I've even posted art.
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Did you know I like trainin' for
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Strongman competitions?
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Hell,
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Blogged about it.
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>> rusty: dadgum, boy, you got
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You a blog?
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>> sheriff: [ muffled ] Y'all
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Mind if I pull your house down
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The hill with my teeth?
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[ creeeak! ]
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[ boom! ]
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[ scraping ]
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[ thud! ]
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Whew.
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>> granny: what brings you up
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This way?
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>> sheriff: you know my blog?
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I recently blogged an entry
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About how bloggin' don't bring
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You any money or anything and
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How typin' each letter brings me
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Closer to starvation.
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>> early: so, you want to know
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How
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Ambition, or money?
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[ door opens ]
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Where's all the food?
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>> sheriff: I told you. I'm out.
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>> early: well, this is where we
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Get it!
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This is a "Conandrum."
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It's like a multidimensional
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M.C. Escher print I bought in
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College.
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>> granny: I need food.
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>> early: any way you try to
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Climb up, you're goin' down.
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>> rusty: shotgun!
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>> early: hell no, you don't!
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>> rusty: I called it!
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>> early: shotgun.
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>> rusty: no, I called the --
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>> early: I done told you,
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The bug shield durin' hard
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Times.
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[ both slurping ]
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>> sheriff: accordin' to my
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Records, don't y'all get a check
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From the state or somethin'?
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>> early: the state -- givin'
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Out money checks?
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Cash american -- fundage and
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Such?
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>> granny: oh...
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Thanks a lot, asshole.
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[ hawk screeches ]
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>> sheriff: a-and y'all just
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Stare into the sun, huh?
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Just like this?
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>> rusty: yep.
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All day long.
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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>> early: fits of rage do come
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And go, but the sun, hell,
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It's here all day.
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You see it up there?
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>> sheriff: no, no, I definitely
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See it.
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>> early: you can't just
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You got to stare at it.
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Commit.
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>> sheriff: and this is all
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Y'all do, huh?
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>> early: well, sometimes I'll
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Drive a nail into my arm, make
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Sure I still feel emotions.
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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>> early: some other times, I'll
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Drive one into rusty's arm.
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>> rusty: to make sure
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Still feel them -- them
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Emotions?
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>> early: to make sure your ass
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Don't get ahead of me!
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Whoo!
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>> dan halen: poverty-stricken
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Squids!
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Look here!
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Free cloud!
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>> rusty: free clouds, baby!
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>> early: [ sniffs ] Is that...
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[ sniffs ]
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...Ice wind?
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>> granny: it's free body spray!
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>> early: hell no!
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>> sheriff: get inside,
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Everybody.
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>> granny: get the hell out of
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My way!
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>> early: no, woman, no!
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[ sizzle! ]
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It's
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>> sheriff: no, early, no!
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>> early: she can't have it all!
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She's wastin' it!
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>> sheriff: no, early.
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>> rusty: sheriff, that cloud's
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Comin' over here.
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W-what are we gonna do, sheriff?
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>> sheriff: sorry.
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You're on your own.
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I told you -- I'm retarded.
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Uh,
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Damn it. I even practiced that.
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>> rusty: but, sheriff, you're
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The only one that can save us!
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>> sheriff: all right.
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Fetch me some two-ply garbage
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Bags and a roll of duct tape.
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I thought of this at the
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Academy.
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We call this a hillbilly hazmat
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Suit.
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Rusty, tape over my nose and
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Mouth so none of that noxious
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Gas can get in.
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I will attack the cloud from
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Below.
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I'm starting to feel...
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Very light-headed.
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I will now stop...
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[ coughs ]
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...Talking, to preserve what
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Remaining energy I have to get
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Out of this suit.
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[ thud! ]
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>> rusty: look, daddy, the
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Wind -- it switched directions.
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>> early: crisis averted.
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Our collective asses are saved.
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>> sheriff: [ coughing ]
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>> rusty: hey, daddy, look at
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That.
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He's tryin' to scratch a note in
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The dirt.
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>> early: o...2.
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>> rusty: o...2.
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>> early: zero...
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O-2.
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>> rusty: 2.
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>> early: 2. O-u...
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>> rusty: ou812?
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Hot damn! He's a van halen fan!
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Me too, sheriff!
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Hell yeah!
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Van halen kicks some damn ass!
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>> early: russell donny, don't
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Say "Ass" on this here property.
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From the mouth of babes...
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