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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ somehow I got spinal
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Meningitis ♪
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♪ injecting all that hairspray
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In my spine ♪
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♪ it's a supercheap way for
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Parties ♪
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♪ if you ain't killed some brain
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Cells in due time ♪
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Good luck getting that
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Child-support check from me now.
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> granny: [ mumbling ]
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Goin' down for the kill?
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Hmm.
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[ mumbling ]
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Yeah, all juicy and free.
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>> rusty: ugh.
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>> granny: oh.
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Yeah!
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You just want to slap that thing
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Arou-- unh!
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[ car approaching ]
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[ metal crunching ]
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>> early: ♪ doo doo-doo,
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Doo-doo doo-doo ♪
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♪ doo-dee dah dah dah ♪
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>> rusty: damn, daddy.
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'bout knocked over the brakin'
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Tree.
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>> early: step 'round here and
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Feast your eyes on this here!
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>> rusty: damn!
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>> early: you seen it right.
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>> rusty: them some of them --
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>> early: truck nuts.
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>> rusty: well, I'll be damned.
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>> early: mm-hmm.
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>> rusty: you spent the brake
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Money on truck nuts, didn't you?
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>> early: yep.
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Now the world can know that this
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Truck here is a masculinified
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Man!
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>> rusty: well, I guess that
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Means granny's a man, too.
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>> early: what the hell you say?
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>> granny: here's you some nuts!
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Ooh, look at them dangle!
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>> early: where the hell'd you
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Get 'em in chrome?
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I mean, I looked everywhere.
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>> granny: chrometrucknuts.Org.
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>> early: aw, mainstream's
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Caught on.
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Pointless fad!
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>> granny: ooh, they's nice!
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>> early: buy any plastic
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Genital that comes down the
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Pipe.
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>> rusty: can I have one?
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>> early: go ahead!
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Strap 'em on your roller skates!
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Fun for the whole [bleep]
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Family!
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>> lil: [ loud groaning ]
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[ squishing, sloshing ]
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>> rusty: oh, my god!
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It's ridley scott's "Alien"!
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Look at it!
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Oh, my god.
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Oh, my god!
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>> early: no, son, it ain't
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Ridley scott's "Alien."
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It's worse.
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[ babies groaning ]
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Ain't we done been through this?
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Good!
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>> lil: hey! Get off my back.
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You know them guys don't like
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Condoms.
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>> early: and neither do I!
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Hell, I don't use 'em!
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It ain't the same!
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>> rusty: daddy, I think she's
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Out.
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>> early: double super bust.
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>> rusty: you know, daddy, they
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Kind of cute.
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I mean, well, now, what if we
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Just kept this batch, daddy?
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You know, become a family
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Proper.
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>> early: [ sighs ]
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You right, son.
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>> rusty: who, me?
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>> early: I'll tell you what.
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Round up all your new brothers
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And sisters.
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Hell, we goin' into town to see
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"Saw iii" at the dollar!
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>> rusty: hell, yeah!
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"Saw iii"!
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>> granny: I better get my gold
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Nuts!
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Everybody but me?
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>> early: correct!
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>> granny: oh.
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>> early: all right, come on,
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Y'all, come on.
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Step right in to the movies!
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Yeah, see what holly-weird has
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Cooked up next!
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Get you a good seat now.
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You don't want to miss them
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Previews.
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>> rusty: this ain't the movies.
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>> early: no movies.
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Lake boat.
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[ wood creaking ]
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But we got candy in here.
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You like candy, right?
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Yeah, satisfy your little sweet
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Tooth.
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Come on in!
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Get on in there.
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[ grunting ]
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All right, fine.
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Little too old.
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Maybe I should have got you
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Sooner.
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>> rusty: daddy, it's the fuzz!
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>> sheriff: stop right there!
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Drop that bag!
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And hop on this banana with me!
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This thing will go 80, man.
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>> rusty: damn, look at that.
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>> sheriff: and look on the
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Back.
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Truck nuts!
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>> early: damn bandwagon.
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>> sheriff: we'll tear ass all
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Over this lake!
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>> rusty: that is cool as hell,
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Let me tell you.
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Hey, sheriff, the taxpayers pay
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For that?
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>> sheriff: uh, well...
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Of course they did.
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It's part of my, uh...
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Al-qaeda is gone across the
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County line.
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The lake is secure now.
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Oh.
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Say, could you, uh...?
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>> rusty: you want me to get
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Your shoulders?
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>> sheriff: that's a big 10-4.
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You read my mind.
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Oh, that feels good.
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>> rusty: you like that?
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>> sheriff: mm-mmm!
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Little over to the left there,
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Rusty.
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There you go.
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>> rusty: you got broad
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Shoulders.
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>> sheriff: say, early --
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Don't stop, rusty.
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What you got in the bag there,
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Bud?
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>> early: nothing this lake
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Won't fix.
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>> sheriff: now hold on a
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Minute, early -- wait.
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What is this?
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[ baby squids crying ]
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[ sighs ]
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Early, I don't think I can let
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You off the hook on this one,
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Son.
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All right, then.
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Well, you're off the hook.
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Dfcs said they don't want any
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Part of this.
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>> rusty: sheriff, why these
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Babies ain't be movin' any much?
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>> sheriff: well, I'd say it's a
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Combination of maybe diabetes
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And an extremely powerful
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Addiction to crack.
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And these two are pregnant.
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And these three here, well,
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They've been fatally stabbed.
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Looks like.
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>> rusty: well, this one here's
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Feeling better.
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>> sheriff: well, look at you.
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[ chuckling ]
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Ain't you a little pistol?
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Ah!
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That is a pist-- aah!
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[ gurgling ]
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>> early: sweet bejesus!
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Somebody call the doctor!
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Tell him to bring that vision
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Machine he got!
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We gonna get this mess on tape!
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That little sumbitch done blew
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His head clean off!
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Whoo!
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>> whoo!
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>> rusty: daddy, sheriff's dead.
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>> early: ain't the first time.
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>> rusty: but, daddy --
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>> early: hold it, now.
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>> rusty: oh.
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>> early: whoo!
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>> whoo!
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>> early: whoo!
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>> whoo!
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>> rusty: whoo-wow!
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>> whoo-wow!
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>> early: whoo!
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>> whoo!
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>> early: well, hell, yeah!
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I tried to twist him up, but he
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Wouldn't have it!
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Hell, no!
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This old boy is wild!
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We might have to keep this one.
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>> rusty: what about all these?
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>> early: take them to the
238
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Movies.
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Come on, quickly.
240
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>> now, a lot of people use a
241
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Table saw to get a cut...
242
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[ cellphone rings ]
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>> hello.
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>> rusty: jimmy dean, now, who
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Would be calling you at this
246
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Hour?
247
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Ricky jay!
248
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Now I done told you, boy, talk
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To him after the movie.
250
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Family plans...
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>> early: come on.
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You got it. You got it!
253
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I'm barely holding you.
254
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Yeah, you doin' it!
255
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You doin' it.
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Come on, you got it.
257
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Make that shotgun hole bigger.
258
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Get a good flow.
259
00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,017
I'm barely shaking it.
260
00:06:21,019 --> 00:06:23,022
You're doing it!
261
00:06:23,024 --> 00:06:25,007
Come on, you got it!
262
00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:26,012
Cut that wheel!
263
00:06:26,014 --> 00:06:27,016
Cut the wheel!
264
00:06:27,018 --> 00:06:28,027
>> oh, deliver me unto the
265
00:06:28,029 --> 00:06:29,028
Sidewalk, oh, lord!
266
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,008
>> early: you're doing it! Whoo!
267
00:06:31,010 --> 00:06:32,011
>> whoo-hoo!
268
00:06:32,013 --> 00:06:33,022
>> early: yeah, you got it.
269
00:06:33,024 --> 00:06:35,003
Now take your safety off.
270
00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:35,029
[ safety clicks ]
271
00:06:36,001 --> 00:06:37,001
That's right.
272
00:06:37,003 --> 00:06:39,001
Now show him you mean business.
273
00:06:39,003 --> 00:06:40,024
Blow his hand off now.
274
00:06:40,026 --> 00:06:41,009
>> ow!
275
00:06:41,011 --> 00:06:42,021
>> early: yeah, you doin' it!
276
00:06:42,023 --> 00:06:44,003
It's all you, baby!
277
00:06:44,005 --> 00:06:45,004
Yeah, come on!
278
00:06:45,006 --> 00:06:46,005
You can do it!
279
00:06:46,007 --> 00:06:47,001
You got it.
280
00:06:47,003 --> 00:06:48,008
Get them keys.
281
00:06:48,010 --> 00:06:49,006
That's right.
282
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:50,010
I'm barely chokin' him.
283
00:06:50,012 --> 00:06:51,013
>> sheriff: I'm barely
284
00:06:51,015 --> 00:06:52,001
Breathing.
285
00:06:52,003 --> 00:06:53,015
>> early: well, looky there.
286
00:06:53,017 --> 00:06:55,002
>> sheriff: oh, he's adorable.
287
00:06:55,004 --> 00:06:56,005
>> early: I want them in glossy
288
00:06:56,007 --> 00:06:56,021
And matte.
289
00:06:56,023 --> 00:06:58,000
A high-gloss package!
290
00:06:58,002 --> 00:06:59,027
Ain't no skimpin' for my boy.
291
00:06:59,029 --> 00:07:01,029
[ metallic thud ]
292
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,015
Yeah!
293
00:07:06,017 --> 00:07:07,009
>> whoo-hoo!
294
00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:08,013
>> early: [ laughing ]
295
00:07:08,015 --> 00:07:09,022
You done good, son!
296
00:07:09,024 --> 00:07:11,017
Here you go -- pull yourself a
297
00:07:11,019 --> 00:07:13,006
Dip, for you are now the
298
00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:15,001
Original gator hater. Whoo!
299
00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:15,016
>> whoo!
300
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,021
>> rusty: but -- but you said
301
00:07:16,023 --> 00:07:17,025
Was the original gator hater,
302
00:07:17,027 --> 00:07:18,018
Daddy.
303
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:19,007
>> early: nope.
304
00:07:19,009 --> 00:07:20,010
>> rusty: you remember -- that
305
00:07:20,012 --> 00:07:21,013
Time you punched out your own
306
00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:22,015
Teeth to show them gators how
307
00:07:22,017 --> 00:07:23,004
Tough you were?
308
00:07:23,006 --> 00:07:24,022
>> early: [ laughing ]
309
00:07:24,024 --> 00:07:25,017
Go, dog! Sic 'em!
310
00:07:25,019 --> 00:07:26,025
>> rusty: me and you, we had
311
00:07:26,027 --> 00:07:27,029
That bond, that gator hater
312
00:07:28,001 --> 00:07:28,014
Bond.
313
00:07:28,016 --> 00:07:29,029
>> early: I have re-envalutated
314
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:31,006
The saturation, and I have
315
00:07:31,008 --> 00:07:33,006
Convoluted that you ain't wild,
316
00:07:33,008 --> 00:07:34,020
You're mild.
317
00:07:34,022 --> 00:07:35,020
'sides, I think you might have
318
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:36,009
Got the gay gene.
319
00:07:36,011 --> 00:07:37,010
>> rusty: now wait a minute now!
320
00:07:37,012 --> 00:07:38,008
I ain't gay, daddy!
321
00:07:38,010 --> 00:07:39,014
>> early: no, no, don't beg.
322
00:07:39,016 --> 00:07:40,027
We had us a good run, son.
323
00:07:40,029 --> 00:07:41,023
You know.
324
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,011
Good memories.
325
00:07:43,013 --> 00:07:44,027
But it's hershel's time now!
326
00:07:44,029 --> 00:07:46,012
>> rusty: but, daddy!
327
00:07:46,014 --> 00:07:47,017
D-did you say hershel?
328
00:07:47,019 --> 00:07:48,013
>> early: yes.
329
00:07:48,015 --> 00:07:49,014
I have dubbed thee
330
00:07:49,016 --> 00:07:50,019
Hershel walker cuyler "Them dogs
331
00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:52,002
Is hell, don't they"!
332
00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:52,023
>> whoo!
333
00:07:52,025 --> 00:07:53,026
>> early: he's a progidy.
334
00:07:53,028 --> 00:07:54,019
>> rusty: oh.
335
00:07:54,021 --> 00:07:55,015
>> early: let's go,
336
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,025
Hershel walker cuyler "Them dogs
337
00:07:56,027 --> 00:07:57,024
Is hell, don't they?"
338
00:07:57,026 --> 00:07:59,000
>> rusty: where y'all going?
339
00:07:59,002 --> 00:08:00,007
>> early: the final test -- men
340
00:08:00,009 --> 00:08:01,003
Only.
341
00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:02,015
You stay here and breast-feed
342
00:08:02,017 --> 00:08:03,010
The sissy farm.
343
00:08:03,012 --> 00:08:04,011
>> rusty: but my milk ain't come
344
00:08:04,013 --> 00:08:04,025
In yet.
345
00:08:04,027 --> 00:08:06,006
>> early: whoo!
346
00:08:06,008 --> 00:08:07,005
[ baby squids crying ]
347
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:08,010
>> rusty: dadgumit, all right,
348
00:08:08,012 --> 00:08:09,019
Ricky jack, I hear you and
349
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:12,003
Jimmy dean, and I'm coming.
350
00:08:12,005 --> 00:08:13,017
>> early: aw, I was just
351
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:14,006
Kidding.
352
00:08:14,008 --> 00:08:15,020
Didn't want that other feller
353
00:08:15,022 --> 00:08:17,007
Comin' -- trying to come along
354
00:08:17,009 --> 00:08:18,021
And ruin things.
355
00:08:18,023 --> 00:08:20,020
Always conservin' and safety and
356
00:08:20,022 --> 00:08:22,009
Head helmets and glasses.
357
00:08:22,011 --> 00:08:23,023
[ train horn blowing ]
358
00:08:23,025 --> 00:08:25,025
[ bell dinging ]
359
00:08:30,004 --> 00:08:33,026
Hershel walker, listen to me!
360
00:08:33,028 --> 00:08:36,022
This train will end soon!
361
00:08:36,024 --> 00:08:39,006
When it does, pull me to the
362
00:08:39,008 --> 00:08:40,008
Hospital!
363
00:08:40,010 --> 00:08:42,012
Wait, hershel walker!
364
00:08:42,014 --> 00:08:43,021
Don't leave me!
365
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,026
Help!
366
00:08:45,028 --> 00:08:48,001
Son!
367
00:08:48,003 --> 00:08:51,009
[ groans ]
368
00:08:51,011 --> 00:08:53,025
[ hawks screeching ]
369
00:08:53,027 --> 00:08:56,001
Oh, thank the lord you're back!
370
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,018
Please pull me to the --
371
00:08:57,020 --> 00:08:58,001
>> whoo!
372
00:08:58,003 --> 00:08:59,021
>> early: oh, my lid!
373
00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:01,018
My face will sunburn!
374
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:03,004
Hershel!
375
00:09:03,006 --> 00:09:06,007
Hershel walker!
376
00:09:06,009 --> 00:09:10,011
Your trainin' is...Complete!
377
00:09:10,013 --> 00:09:12,022
[ groans ]
378
00:09:12,024 --> 00:09:14,017
>> rusty: daddy?
379
00:09:14,019 --> 00:09:16,000
Daddy, can you hear me?
380
00:09:16,002 --> 00:09:19,004
>> early: my...Baby...Boy.
381
00:09:19,006 --> 00:09:20,008
>> rusty: yeah, daddy, it's me.
382
00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:21,010
It's gonna be just fine now.
383
00:09:21,012 --> 00:09:22,013
>> early: he was adorable.
384
00:09:22,015 --> 00:09:23,012
>> rusty: but, daddy --
385
00:09:23,014 --> 00:09:25,003
>> early: here, take this image
386
00:09:25,005 --> 00:09:27,005
And emblazon it on a denim
387
00:09:27,007 --> 00:09:28,011
Jacket.
388
00:09:28,013 --> 00:09:30,011
Have it read...
389
00:09:30,013 --> 00:09:31,022
"The good one."
390
00:09:31,024 --> 00:09:32,025
>> rusty: come on, daddy.
391
00:09:32,027 --> 00:09:34,003
Let's try out our new tentacles
392
00:09:34,005 --> 00:09:35,008
Or something.
393
00:09:35,010 --> 00:09:36,016
Now come on.
394
00:09:36,018 --> 00:09:37,017
Now you got it.
395
00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:38,018
You're doing it, daddy.
396
00:09:38,020 --> 00:09:39,002
Come on!
397
00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,024
>> early: unh!
398
00:09:40,026 --> 00:09:41,019
Damn these legs.
399
00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:43,000
>> rusty: well, daddy, you got
400
00:09:43,002 --> 00:09:44,011
One of them disability checks.
401
00:09:44,013 --> 00:09:45,022
We could use that to buy you a
402
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:46,017
Wheelchair or --
403
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,008
>> early: no.
404
00:09:47,010 --> 00:09:48,025
You take this to town, and you
405
00:09:48,027 --> 00:09:50,009
Buy me one of them inflatable
406
00:09:50,011 --> 00:09:51,021
Rockin' santa clauses in the
407
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:52,013
Bubble globe.
408
00:09:52,015 --> 00:09:53,014
>> rusty: where we gonna put
409
00:09:53,016 --> 00:09:53,029
That?
410
00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:55,001
>> early: on the trampoline in
411
00:09:55,003 --> 00:09:56,002
The yard, right next to the
412
00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:57,006
Elvis rocker jukebox.
413
00:09:57,008 --> 00:09:58,006
Now go on!
414
00:09:58,008 --> 00:10:00,008
>> rusty: all right then.
415
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:06,023
>> early: [ thinking ] You never
416
00:10:06,025 --> 00:10:09,002
Get scored as a parent, like in
417
00:10:09,004 --> 00:10:12,010
Bowling, but you should.
418
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,009
'cause then I would receive the
419
00:10:14,011 --> 00:10:17,003
Gold medal for love.
420
00:10:17,005 --> 00:10:19,003
I know that boy
421
00:10:19,005 --> 00:10:21,018
For hisself one day.
422
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:25,014
He'll be a world-famous trucker.
423
00:10:25,016 --> 00:10:27,015
Or maybe I'll spot him one night
424
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,016
In the battle cage, a mysterious
425
00:10:29,018 --> 00:10:31,017
Eight-legged scrapper, executing
426
00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:33,013
A perfect rear-naked choke on
427
00:10:33,015 --> 00:10:36,025
Tim "The maine-iac" sylvia.
428
00:10:36,027 --> 00:10:41,001
And I'll say, "That's my boy.
429
00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:43,003
That is
430
00:11:06,004 --> 00:11:08,003
>> ho ho ho!
431
00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:10,019
[ rock music plays ]
26134
