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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ get your yankee ass off my
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Property ♪
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♪ don't care if the bank gave
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You a deed ♪
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♪ this farm been cuyler land for
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Generations ♪
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♪ since we beat back them slinky
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Japanese ♪
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♪ in the war of 1812 ♪
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Bring our boys home.
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: I want to drive.
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ birds singing ]
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>> rusty: come on, boy!
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Push it!
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I ain't touchin' this here, boy!
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You got it all!
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>> [ clucks ]
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>> rusty: come on, boy!
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You got it!
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>> [ clucks ]
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>> rusty: take it!
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Come on, boy!
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You got this thing!
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Whoo! Push it! Come on!
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>> early: son!
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What in the hell are you doin'?
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>> rusty: you said we got to
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Bulk these chickens up, didn't
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Ya?
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>> early: no, no.
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That's gonna take six to eight
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Weeks before we see any results,
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Which are neither guaranteed nor
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Typical for everyone.
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>> rusty: but, daddy --
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>> early: ask your doctor before
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You begin any exercise regimen.
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>> [ clucking ]
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>> early: round 'em up!
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We gonna waterboard 'em!
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>> rusty: but, daddy, he's
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Almost got it right now.
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>> early: damn it, rusty!
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Come on!
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Push that damn weight!
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>> rusty: come on, li'l chick!
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>> early: get it off your chest,
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Young lady!
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>> rusty: you got it all!
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>> ♪ you got to find your
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Heart ♪
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>> rusty: hell yeah!
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>> early: come on!
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>> ♪ and you're coming out
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Fighting ♪
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♪ you're gonna freak them out
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When they feel your heart ♪
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[ both cheering ]
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>> early: you damn done it!
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>> rusty: hell yeah, boy.
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>> early: chalk it up!
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[ applause ]
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>> dan halen: bravo.
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Your weightlifting bird is
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Powerful and strong.
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>> early: hell yeah.
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He's about to hit him some
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Decline reps, build up that
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Breast meat!
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Ain't you, dickie?
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>> [ clucks ]
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>> rusty: oh.
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[ splat! ]
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Guess I should have made him
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Wear a belt.
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>> early: that's a'ight.
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Hell, we got other ones.
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Jessie, hustle up.
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Come on, gimme chase.
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Come on, gimme some chase.
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>> rusty: jessie
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Depressed, you know.
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>> early: damn anxiety disorder.
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>> dan halen: maybe you
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Should...
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Feed them.
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>> early: oh, yeah, yeah, we
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Feed 'em.
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We fill 'em full of love,
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Nurturin', understandin'...
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>> rusty: feces.
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>> early: boy, they love they
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Own feces.
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It's a damn fact.
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>> dan halen: these specimens
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Are not fit to be slathered in
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My sauce.
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>> early: aw, come on, now,
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Mr. Halen.
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I mean, the meat's still good.
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If you don't buy these chickens,
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I'm gonna lose my damn mobile
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Home.
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>> granny: oh, we'll be ready
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When katrina gets up here.
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>> early: hoist the jib!
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Batten the mainsail!
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>> granny: aye-aye!
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>> early: you saggy-ass bitch.
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>> granny: aye-aye.
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Douche bag.
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>> early: aw, come on, now.
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You buy you some birds from me.
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>> dan halen: take your filthy,
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Inbred hands off me!
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Your many...Meaty...
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[ slurps ]
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...Tender...
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You were born with all of these?
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>> early: yes, sir.
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>> dan halen: say...
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Who wants to travel back in
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Time?
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Behold...
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The time-travel matrix!
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>> early: well, who's this?
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>> dan halen: that's you,
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Early -- from the past.
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>> early: oh.
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Oh, I see.
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Because by the time the light
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Reflects from the time machine
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Back to my eye and my brain
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Processes the image, the future
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Has become the now.
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Just like a dyin' star.
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>> dan halen: [ grunts ]
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Work quickly.
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>> ah, yes.
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And, uh, what are -- what are
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We, uh...
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What are we doing?
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>> dan halen: merge the beast
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And fowl...
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As one creature!
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>> okay.
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I'll just -- I think I --
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I think it --
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Hmm...
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I'll put this right here.
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Yes.
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As usual.
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And, uh, this will grow together
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Over time.
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>> dan halen: charlatan.
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>> probably because of biolog--
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>> dan halen: you are lying!
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>> uh...
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>> dan halen: now, step aside,
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God...
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As I upset the very balance of
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[ echoing ] Creation!
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>> eight wings on a single --
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On a single chicken.
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Is that right?
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>> dan halen: no.
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>> uh...
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>> dan halen: double it!
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[ spits ]
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No! Too raw!
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Double it!
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[ grunts ]
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This beak is taking up meat
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Space!
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>> I thought he was going to,
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Uh, vomit up ranch dressing.
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>> dan halen: from his other
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Anus, not his beak.
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His other anus.
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Where is it?
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>> he, uh...
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>> dan halen: oh. There it is.
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I see.
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It's inside the first anus.
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Good work.
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[ echoing ] Double it.
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[ echoing ] Double it.
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[ echoing ] Double it!
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At last...
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The ultimate party platter.
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50 flightless but delicious
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Wings...
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Crisp legs of celery...
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Bowels bursting with blue
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Cheese!
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Now, sublime creature...
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Defecate your own to-go box!
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>> okay, I-I think that's too
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Far.
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I could get disbarred for this.
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Now, I mean, that's what they
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Do, right?
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They -- to guys who say they're
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Doctors?
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>> dan halen: mmm-mmm-mmm.
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[ laughs evilly ]
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Science, you cheap whore.
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[ laughs evilly ]
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>> what is this for, again?
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>> dan halen: h-how is
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Everything?
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More iced tea, anyone?
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>> sheriff: now, I don't want to
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Be too much trouble or nothin',
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But, uh...
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But I feel like this is a
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Chicken penis.
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>> dan halen: oh, no, not at
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All, sir.
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The chickens don't have penises.
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That's merely the unabsorbed
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Remnants of his hideous twin.
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Now, now, over here, yes,
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Would be the penis.
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>> sheriff: but you said they
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Didn't
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>> dan halen: uh, not -- well,
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Technically, chickens don't have
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Penises, sir, as you can clearly
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See by the --
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Hey!
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Well, we don't want that.
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Here, let's just remove that.
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And --
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Oh, it's still coming.
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There we go.
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No, there's still more.
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It ain't nothin' but a wing!
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And...It's made its way into the
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Slaw.
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>> sheriff: you know, I can't
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Help but feel like I didn't have
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This many tumors when I came in
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Here.
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>> dan halen: look, we've been
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Nothing but up front about the
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Tumors.
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You can't say that it wasn't
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Clearly mentioned here on the
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Maze on the back of the kids'
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Menu.
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[ rip! ]
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>> sheriff: dan, I'm an officer
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Of the law.
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If you want to keep this damn
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Place open, you gonna have to
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Make some changes, buddy roe.
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[ rip! ]
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Damn.
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[ nazareth's "Hair of the dog
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Plays ]
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>> ♪ now you're messing with
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A child of the lord ♪
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♪ now you're messing with a
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Child of the lord ♪
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>> sheriff: mmm.
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That's quite better.
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>> granny: hey!
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What's this wild hand do?
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>> dan halen: it's designed to
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Blow out draft beer.
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>> early: [ slurping ]
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Tastes like blood.
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>> dan halen: clots.
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Doesn't work yet.
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Stay away from it.
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>> early: [ slurping ]
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That's good.
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>> granny: [ groans ]
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This one's too hot.
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And this one's just not hot
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Enough!
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How can I find the sauce that's
289
00:07:26,020 --> 00:07:27,027
Right for
290
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:30,004
>> dan halen: a medium sauce?
291
00:07:30,006 --> 00:07:32,015
Why, the very notion is just...
292
00:07:32,017 --> 00:07:33,001
You!
293
00:07:33,003 --> 00:07:35,007
Go behind the dumpster and mate
294
00:07:35,009 --> 00:07:36,018
The tangy with the mild.
295
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,003
>> rusty: well, how do I go
296
00:07:38,005 --> 00:07:39,005
About doin' that?
297
00:07:39,007 --> 00:07:40,027
>> dan halen: tie tangy up, have
298
00:07:40,029 --> 00:07:42,009
A black chicken [cluck] It in a
299
00:07:42,011 --> 00:07:43,018
Fake rape scenario while mild
300
00:07:43,020 --> 00:07:45,000
Watches helpless because that's
301
00:07:45,002 --> 00:07:47,001
What gets him off!
302
00:07:47,003 --> 00:07:49,017
[ chickens clucking ]
303
00:07:52,029 --> 00:07:54,013
>> rusty: man, they ain't doin'
304
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,003
Nothin'.
305
00:07:55,005 --> 00:07:56,001
>> granny: [ groans ]
306
00:07:56,003 --> 00:07:57,001
Not even oral?
307
00:07:57,003 --> 00:07:58,018
>> rusty: is that what they call
308
00:07:58,020 --> 00:07:59,027
First base?
309
00:07:59,029 --> 00:08:01,009
>> granny: it is for
310
00:08:01,011 --> 00:08:03,003
>> rusty: granny, what I'm gonna
311
00:08:03,005 --> 00:08:03,015
Do?
312
00:08:03,017 --> 00:08:04,027
>> granny: huh.
313
00:08:04,029 --> 00:08:07,007
You just bring 'em down here
314
00:08:07,009 --> 00:08:09,008
2:30 sharp, just like it's writ
315
00:08:09,010 --> 00:08:10,011
On the stall.
316
00:08:10,013 --> 00:08:11,012
>> rusty: ohh.
317
00:08:11,014 --> 00:08:13,011
>> granny: and then you turn
318
00:08:13,013 --> 00:08:15,026
Off the lights.
319
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,028
And that's how I met your
320
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,006
Grampy.
321
00:08:19,008 --> 00:08:21,015
>> early: observe, son.
322
00:08:21,017 --> 00:08:23,002
This is how a creature makes
323
00:08:23,004 --> 00:08:24,007
Love.
324
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:26,012
>> rusty: uh...Daddy?
325
00:08:26,014 --> 00:08:27,019
She's asleep.
326
00:08:27,021 --> 00:08:29,018
>> [ speaks gibberish ]
327
00:08:29,020 --> 00:08:30,023
[ snoring ]
328
00:08:30,025 --> 00:08:31,023
>> early: good.
329
00:08:31,025 --> 00:08:32,020
[ cell door slams ]
330
00:08:32,022 --> 00:08:33,021
Well, I got far enough.
331
00:08:33,023 --> 00:08:34,024
And you won't
332
00:08:34,026 --> 00:08:36,006
Arrested for it, neither.
333
00:08:36,008 --> 00:08:37,026
Sometimes, though...
334
00:08:37,028 --> 00:08:38,008
Yeah.
335
00:08:38,010 --> 00:08:39,020
>> sheriff: what is this for,
336
00:08:39,022 --> 00:08:40,013
Anyhow, rusty?
337
00:08:40,015 --> 00:08:41,020
Like, a school project or
338
00:08:41,022 --> 00:08:42,008
Somethin'?
339
00:08:42,010 --> 00:08:43,022
>> early: school ain't the damn
340
00:08:43,024 --> 00:08:44,022
Place to teach sex!
341
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,002
I voted against that back in
342
00:08:46,004 --> 00:08:46,020
December!
343
00:08:46,022 --> 00:08:47,022
Where's my dinner at?
344
00:08:47,024 --> 00:08:49,009
>> sheriff: rusty, uh, would you
345
00:08:49,011 --> 00:08:50,024
Mind puttin' that riot baton up
346
00:08:50,026 --> 00:08:51,022
Here in my mouth?
347
00:08:51,024 --> 00:08:53,000
Your daddy don't like his
348
00:08:53,002 --> 00:08:53,017
Broccoli.
349
00:08:53,019 --> 00:08:55,004
>> early: you about to wear you
350
00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:56,004
Some damn broccoli!
351
00:08:56,006 --> 00:08:57,014
>> sheriff: don't even try.
352
00:08:57,016 --> 00:08:59,007
>> early: come on, now.
353
00:09:03,016 --> 00:09:05,026
>> rusty: [ crying ]
354
00:09:05,028 --> 00:09:07,018
>> [ sniffs ]
355
00:09:07,020 --> 00:09:08,023
What's wrong, rusty?
356
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:10,013
>> rusty: nothin' I seem to do
357
00:09:10,015 --> 00:09:11,025
Can get these chickens to
358
00:09:11,027 --> 00:09:13,006
Bangify each other.
359
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:15,020
>> ohh, rusty, mating is a
360
00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,005
Delicate dance.
361
00:09:17,007 --> 00:09:19,026
>> why, just look at the birds.
362
00:09:19,028 --> 00:09:22,013
And the bees.
363
00:09:22,015 --> 00:09:24,014
>> and these oak slugs.
364
00:09:24,016 --> 00:09:25,025
Check them out.
365
00:09:25,027 --> 00:09:28,007
They're completely depraved.
366
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:30,007
>> rusty: is that how it works?
367
00:09:30,009 --> 00:09:31,003
>> oh, my god.
368
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,021
>> look, a third one's getting
369
00:09:32,023 --> 00:09:33,009
Into it.
370
00:09:33,011 --> 00:09:34,019
>> can't stand anonymous
371
00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:36,001
Three-way oak-slug action.
372
00:09:36,003 --> 00:09:38,026
>> rusty: they always do that?
373
00:09:38,028 --> 00:09:39,025
>> I'm sorry. What?
374
00:09:39,027 --> 00:09:41,008
>> like ancient roman times in
375
00:09:41,010 --> 00:09:41,020
Here.
376
00:09:41,022 --> 00:09:42,021
>> rusty: oh, my god.
377
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:44,004
>> yeah, don't look at the oak
378
00:09:44,006 --> 00:09:46,016
Slugs.
379
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,028
Well, we can watch for a little
380
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:48,008
Bit.
381
00:09:48,010 --> 00:09:49,017
>> rusty: I had no idea that
382
00:09:49,019 --> 00:09:51,015
Nature was so, uh, talky out
383
00:09:51,017 --> 00:09:52,024
Here in nature, I mean.
384
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,009
Y'all carry on conversations
385
00:09:54,011 --> 00:09:55,009
Like this all the time?
386
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,002
>> dude -- oh, man.
387
00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:57,011
[ laughing ] He ate some of the
388
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:57,023
Wings.
389
00:09:57,025 --> 00:09:58,020
>> that's crazy, man.
390
00:09:58,022 --> 00:10:00,000
>> did you eat those wings, man?
391
00:10:00,002 --> 00:10:01,005
>> rusty: I don't even like
392
00:10:01,007 --> 00:10:01,018
Celery.
393
00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:02,023
>> he's got the sauce on his
394
00:10:02,025 --> 00:10:03,007
Hands.
395
00:10:03,009 --> 00:10:04,021
It'll get through your pores,
396
00:10:04,023 --> 00:10:05,002
Man.
397
00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,007
>> calm down, rusty.
398
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:07,018
You're just having a mild
399
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,015
Hallucination.
400
00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:09,011
Just lay back.
401
00:10:09,013 --> 00:10:11,000
I'm gonna get some damp leaves
402
00:10:11,002 --> 00:10:11,027
On your forehead.
403
00:10:11,029 --> 00:10:13,004
>> hey! What's goin' on?!
404
00:10:13,006 --> 00:10:14,016
>> rusty: my hair talks, too?
405
00:10:14,018 --> 00:10:15,024
>> no, no, it's cool, man.
406
00:10:15,026 --> 00:10:16,022
Hair doesn't talk.
407
00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:18,007
>> you might need to cut me off.
408
00:10:18,009 --> 00:10:19,017
Otherwise I might pull your
409
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,005
Brain out.
410
00:10:20,007 --> 00:10:21,021
>> rusty: get this thing off my
411
00:10:21,023 --> 00:10:22,004
Head!
412
00:10:22,006 --> 00:10:23,021
[ shouting indistinctly ]
413
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,002
[ birds chirping ]
414
00:10:25,004 --> 00:10:26,014
Ohh...
415
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:28,009
No, no, this ain't right.
416
00:10:28,011 --> 00:10:29,021
This ain't right at all.
417
00:10:29,023 --> 00:10:30,028
Get on out of here.
418
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,020
Fly back to nature, where you
419
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:33,028
Belong.
420
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,003
[ sweeping music plays ]
421
00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:37,025
[ music stops ]
422
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:38,028
Now be somebody!
423
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:39,028
[ music plays ]
424
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,022
[ music stops ]
425
00:10:41,024 --> 00:10:43,023
Run! Don't never look back!
426
00:10:43,025 --> 00:10:45,015
[ wolves growling ]
427
00:10:45,017 --> 00:10:47,024
Oh, shoot!
428
00:10:47,026 --> 00:10:49,006
[ wolves yelp ]
429
00:10:49,008 --> 00:10:50,010
Rusty: the wings!
430
00:10:50,012 --> 00:10:51,025
>> mmm. They are pretty del--
431
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:54,017
[ hiccups ]
432
00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:55,024
>> rusty: daddy!
433
00:10:55,026 --> 00:10:57,016
Wait a minute, daddy! Daddy!
434
00:10:57,018 --> 00:10:59,006
Hold on a second, daddy! Wait!
435
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:01,002
Aaaaaaaaaah!
436
00:11:01,004 --> 00:11:02,018
Daddy!
437
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:05,010
[ crying ] Oh, no, daddy!
438
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,003
No!
439
00:11:06,005 --> 00:11:07,018
>> early: what's the fuss about,
440
00:11:07,020 --> 00:11:08,000
Son?
441
00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:09,011
Hell, I'm just settin' off my
442
00:11:09,013 --> 00:11:10,012
Gasoline collection.
443
00:11:10,014 --> 00:11:11,028
>> rusty: but I thought you was
444
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,008
Savin' that for my college,
445
00:11:13,010 --> 00:11:13,022
Daddy.
446
00:11:13,024 --> 00:11:17,000
>> early: yeah, I
447
00:11:17,002 --> 00:11:19,002
But now I'm not.
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