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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ I gave all my best years
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To that woman ♪
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♪ and all she gave me
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Was mouths to feed ♪
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♪ a miracle straight from the
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Loins of jesus ♪
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♪ since charlie blew off
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Both my testes ♪
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♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: I want to drive.
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ down-tempo music plays ]
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>> the deepest backwoods
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Butt crack of georgia --
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Pristine and untouched by sexual
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Perversion.
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But today, a horny wolf sniffs
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At the henhouse.
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>> psst. Hey.
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[ knock on door ]
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Anybody home?
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Sexxybait13, you here?
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[ doorknob turns ]
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>> [ crying ]
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[ high-pitched voice ] I wet
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Myself.
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>> oh, you wet yourself?
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Well, next time you wet
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Yourself, it's gonna be with
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Bubble-gum wine coolers.
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How you like that?
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>> this man flew across four
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Continents to be here.
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Now watch how he makes himself
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At home.
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>> did you make these animal
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Crackers?
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They're good.
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>> [ high-pitched voice ] I'm a
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Big girl now.
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>> I'm gonna go ahead and take
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My pants off.
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I'll show you that wrestling
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Move I was telling you
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About.
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>> dan halen: I wouldn't mind
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Seeing that wrestling move.
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>> ohh.
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>> dan halen: where are you
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Going?
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I just want to ask you a few...
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>> I don't do this.
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>> dan halen: ...Questions.
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There's no reason to be afraid.
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>> I don't do this, and I --
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>> dan halen: mind telling me
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Where your pants are?
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>> w-well where are
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>> dan halen: damn it! Cut!
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Now, in your online chat with
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Sexxybait13, she told you --
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>> [ high-pitched voice ] I wet
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Myself.
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>> dan halen: to which you
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Replied, "Kewl!
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Ur parents away?"
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>> I --
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>> dan halen: she answered, "I'm
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A big girl now."
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>> she said she was 60!
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>> dan halen: you responded by
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E-mailing her an animated gif
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Of your engorged, tumescent --
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>> I am not here right now.
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[ doorknob turns ]
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>> dan halen: where are you
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Going?
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You can't evade justice!
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>> sheriff: halt. Police.
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>> no! No!
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[ grunts ]
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>> sheriff: halt, I said.
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>> dan halen: you have the right
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To remain silent on tv, hd-dvd,
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Minidisc, blu-ray, cb radio, and
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Satellite audio throughout the
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Universe in perpetuity.
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>> [ grunts ]
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But I was just here to mentor.
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I-I just wanted to counsel her
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On the dangers of being with me
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And having sex with me.
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>> sheriff: that sounds like the
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Truth.
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>> dan halen: yeah. Fine.
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Let him go.
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>> sheriff: you're free to go.
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>> thank you.
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>> dan halen: we'll need him for
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The sequel, anyway.
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>> stay in school.
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Stay out of drugs.
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>> dan halen: tell your pervert
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Friends where all the hottest
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Eager tweens live!
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>> sheriff: you think they'll
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Figure out it's just a
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Pull-string doll?
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>> dan halen: please.
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No deviant mind could ever
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Resist the sexy wiles of
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Sexxybait13.
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>> I'm a big gir-r-rl.
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>> dan halen: no!
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My plastic-molded temptress!
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>> rusty: hey, daddy, come here
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And check this wild [bleep]
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Out...4.
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>> next on "Check this wild
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[bleep] Out 4" --
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Watch as this postman tries to
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Deliver a
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[echoing] "Male"...
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Spelled m-a-l-e.
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>> uh, actually, no package.
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[ echoing ] Just a couple bills,
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Really.
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[ bang, bang ]
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[ dramatic music plays ]
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>> early: god, al--
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Jumped the shark.
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[ knock on door ]
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>> sexxybait13?
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Chad, you in there?
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>> granny: I'm here, honey.
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I baked you muffins like a good
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Boy should.
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>> are you alone?
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>> granny: it's just me.
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>> 'cause...
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[chuckling] I'd hate to blow it
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Like last time.
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[ rips ]
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>> granny: hey.
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Let's put cough drops in our
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Butt holes and and play viddy
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Games.
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>> uh [chuckles] You're --
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You're still a boy now, right?
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>> granny: snakes and snails and
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Puppy-dog tails.
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And moles.
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I got a lot of moles.
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>> you know what?
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I'm gonna go.
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>> granny: wait!
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>> it feels dirty.
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I'm gonna -- I'm gonna call my
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Wife...
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And kids.
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>> granny: hey!
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Text me, dawg!
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Holla back!
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Don't forget to holla back!
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>> dan halen: ugh.
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This bait reeks of mentholyptus.
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>> granny: it's the unguents...
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For my gout.
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>> dan halen: we need someone
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With wiles.
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>> granny: I got a wily case of
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The gout.
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>> dan halen: it's not the same!
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We need someone with boyish
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Charm and cunning --
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>> granny: I'll do that.
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>> dan halen: drag her from my
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Sight.
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[ banjo music plays ]
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>> rusty: I-I don't think --
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>> early: shut up and eat your
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Split, son.
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Hey, there, glen.
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Where's your boy at?
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>> yeah, we're gonna keep kyle
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At an undisclosed location till
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All this is over.
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>> early: oh.
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Well, that's too bad!
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>> ohh!
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>> early: [ shouting
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Indistinctly ]
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>> aah.
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That hurt.
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>> rusty: and that's your job,
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Daddy?
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>> early: glen and me, uh, we --
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We'll meet periodically
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Throughout the day...
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Unless I'm buried, you know,
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Drawing dale jr.'s number all
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Over them post-it notes.
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Yep, paperwork's part of the
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Job.
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>> dan halen: [ gasps ]
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[ heroic music plays ]
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Whiteheads twinkling like stars
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Against a darkened sky of
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Clogged pores.
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Butt-cut hairdo, feathered as
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The spread wings of gabriel
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Himself.
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Pewter arrowhead.
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"Kick ass!" it says.
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Kick ass it does.
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>> early: what in the hell you
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Staring at?!
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>> dan halen: tell me, rusty,
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Are you familiar with the
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Lifestyles of the ancient
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Greeks?
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>> early: ain't nobody gonna use
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My son's temptatious furtive
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Wiles for no damn television
229
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Show!
230
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>> dan halen: y-you know that
231
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Television means tv, don't you?
232
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>> early: oh, the tv-lookie
233
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Box...With the rasslin' in
234
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There?
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Well, now, it
236
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You think on it.
237
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Hell, yeah.
238
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>> rusty: but, daddy, I-I don't
239
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Think this --
240
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>> early: I'm the thinker!
241
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And I think we got us a deal.
242
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Bona fidey!
243
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[ gulps ]
244
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>> dan halen: rusty...
245
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Radiant in your perfection...
246
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Reveal yourself to me.
247
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>> rusty: these shorts are...
248
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Pretty tight.
249
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Kind of riding high, aren't
250
00:06:24,013 --> 00:06:25,001
They?
251
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>> early: sometimes, son, to be
252
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A man, you got to be a boy.
253
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[ doorbell ringing ]
254
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>> dan halen: here's your
255
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,020
Chance, rusty.
256
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Shine, you stunning boy-animal.
257
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>> hey.
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Sexxybait13?
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You in there?
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>> rusty: uh...Come...
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>> dan halen: just have fun with
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It.
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>> rusty: uh, well, come on in,
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Now.
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Just, uh...
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I'm just, uh, oiling up my
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Tricycle chain here and, you
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Know, doing some little-boy
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Stuff.
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>> dan halen: well played,
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Rusty.
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Well played.
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>> granny: I did it sexier.
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>> rusty: now, have you some
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Nachos.
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I'm gonna go on in there and get
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My choo-choo set.
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>> dan halen: nachos?
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There are no nachos here, but...
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Brilliant.
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>> where are those nachos, now?
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>> dan halen: he's drawing him
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In.
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>> rusty: got a new caboose I
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Want you to see.
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>> where are the nachos?
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>> dan halen: and the betrayal!
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>> damn it!
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I knew this house looked
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Familiar!
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Will I ever find love?!
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>> everyone has a talent, a
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Gift, something that makes them
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Special.
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And for rusty, that special
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Something was the ability to
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Attract deviant pedophiles.
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And so he picked the town's
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Economy up and carried it on his
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Slender, boyish hips.
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[ crowd cheering ]
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[ bells jingle ]
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>> early: tyke's hard lemonade?
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Hell, I ain't drinkin' no hooch
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From a sissy sippy box.
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This ain't even worth stealing.
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>> uh, sorry, early.
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I don't sell them adult goods no
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More.
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This new clientele just don't
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Want 'em.
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>> early: well, hell.
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Uh...
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All right, I guess I'll have me
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A...A teddy bear and one of them
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Mega cookies and, uh, how about
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Some of them candy handcuffs up
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There?
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>> okeydokey.
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All right, let's see here.
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Let's see, what do you want?
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You want the goofy grape or the,
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Uh,
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[ electricity crackles ]
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>> early: I think I went with
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The money.
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>> yes, you did.
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>> early: yes, I did!
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>> a-a-a-a-a-ah!
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>> dan halen: you can't escape
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Justice!
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Number 43.
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>> hey, that's me.
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>> dan halen: please have your
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Shirt unbuttoned
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The house.
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We have lots of unsuspecting
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Perverts to humiliate here
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Today.
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>> sheriff: I'll tell you,
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Early.
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That boy is a real economic
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Godsend.
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You see that new police car of
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Mine?
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Cool, ain't it?
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Those rims there are real virgin
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Ivory, too.
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They're from africa.
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Wherever that is.
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I should care, but I'm just so
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Detached.
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>> dan halen: number 44.
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Number 44.
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>> but the economic boom came at
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A heavy, heavy cost.
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[ lasers firing ]
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>> rusty: [ spits ]
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You call that damn circus
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Peanut?!
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That ain't no circus peanut!
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I didn't taste no orange
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Coloring!
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>> dan halen: I'm so sorry.
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Somebody orange up these circus
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Peanuts!
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>> all: rusty! Rusty! Rusty!
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Pick me!
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>> hey, I'm your mama.
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>> dan halen: wait your turn.
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>> aah. Hey.
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>> dan halen: look, rusty, a-a
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Singing plug of snuff.
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>> [ muffled ] Here we go.
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♪ now, hey, everybody,
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I'm here to say ♪
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♪ that rusty is a special guy
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In every way ♪
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>> dan halen: how perfect,
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Rusty.
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You -- you
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>> rusty: whatever, man.
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>> dan halen: I deserve that,
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Rusty.
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[ door slams ]
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Dan halen, what are you
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Thinking?!
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>> happy birthday or whatever.
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>> rusty!
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>> rusty!
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>> pick me!
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>> rusty: all right, look here.
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Now y'all is just gonna have to
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Chill for a few hours, you know?
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'cause I need me a radical
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Sabbatical, baby.
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Now, I'll come back, and y'all
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Can adore me then, but right
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Now, I can't...
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[ coughs ]
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I'm suffering...
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[ coughs ]
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[ clears throat ]
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[ deep voice ] Excuse me.
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Excuse me.
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I'm suffering from extreme
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Exhaustication and
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Dehydrygenation.
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>> dan halen: rusty! My god!
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Your face!
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Shield your upper lip!
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>> rusty: oh, no, no.
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I'm changin', see?
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And I want my fans to come with
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Me as I grow and I evolve.
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Are y'all gonna come with me,
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Now?
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All right.
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Now, who's with me?
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Come on, there!
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[ crowd screaming ]
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Come on.
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>> dan halen: quickly -- eat
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This paint chip, drink this
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Coffee, smoke these cigarettes!
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Stunt your growth!
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>> sheriff: hey, wait, wait,
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Y'all.
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Now, don't run off.
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How do you know you won't like
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It you haven't even tried it
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Yet?
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>> rusty: I'm audi.
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>> early: hey!
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Where in the hell you think you
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Goin'?
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>> rusty: wherever my
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[bleep]Damn fine ass feels like.
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>> dan halen: I hate to see him
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Leave.
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But I
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>> early: oh, hey, don't pay him
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No mind.
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There's more young 'uns where he
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Come from.
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Hey, look at this one here.
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>> granny: ♪ I'm a little
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Teapot, short and -- ♪
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[ crack ]
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Ohh.
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I broke my hip.
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>> early: theater-trained.
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>> dan halen: call in the
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Air strike.
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I want scorched earth.
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Nothing lives.
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[ whooshing ]
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>> early: air what?
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