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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ I gave all my best years
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To that woman ♪
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♪ and all she gave me was mouths
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To feed ♪
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♪ a miracle straight from the
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Loins of jesus ♪
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♪ since charlie blew off
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Both my testes ♪
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♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: I want to drive.
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ fly buzzes ]
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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How long's he been like this?
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>> early: ain't no tellin'.
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Months, years, days.
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Hell, it could be
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>> sheriff: w-what could, now?
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>> early: I don't know.
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Nobody does.
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We've done exhaustified all
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Answers.
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>> sheriff: rusty, hey.
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[ snaps fingers ]
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Son, can you hear me?
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Here.
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You want to play with my gun?
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>> early: ain't no use, sheriff.
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They was sayin' the dyslexia
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Done spread to his legs now.
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Every zone -- infectulated.
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>> sheriff: who was sayin'?
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>> early: me, just now.
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Science, too.
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Hell, they
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>> sheriff: hmm.
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Yep.
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He's dyslexic, all right.
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>> early: the state will cover
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That, don't it?
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Give out a check?
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You know, monies?
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Fundage and such?
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>> sheriff: that all depends on
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Your level of need, early.
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>> early: well, you know I got
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This full-service spa and salon
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I need to be thinkin' about.
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If I ain't gettin' them monies,
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I ain't gonna be able to keep
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Blowin' this price gorilla.
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Then I'm gonna have to take down
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All these christmas decorations.
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Then what?
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>> sheriff: you'll be out of a
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Job?
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>> early: still.
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>> sheriff: I'll go ahead and
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File the paperwork with the
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State.
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We'll get rusty all the
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Financial help he needs.
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But you're gonna need to put an
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Access ramp on this porch.
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>> rusty: a ramp?!
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Hey, man, how 'bout you build
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That ramp on that creek over
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There?
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I'd jump it on my minibike.
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>> sheriff: rusty?
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>> early: get back in the house,
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Boy.
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>> rusty: yeah, you right.
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It's chilly out here, daddy.
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You done with my skin yet?
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>> early: I should have stuffed
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Your damn mouth before you
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Popped off and exploded my damn
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Fonzie scheme.
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Huh!
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>> sheriff: early, uh, this
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Looks pretty bad to me.
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>> early: I suppose you right.
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I got the sumbitch on backwards.
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Simmer down, son.
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I found the tag.
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>> sheriff: I'm gonna have to
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Report this to the authorities.
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>> early: oh. [ chuckles ]
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Come on, man.
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We was just teasin' with the
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Government.
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>> sheriff: those entitlements
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Exist for a reason, early, and
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I'm an official of the state and
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Sworn to uphold my duty.
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I just can't allow you to work
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The system that way.
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[ creak! Snap! ]
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[ clears throat ]
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Can I?
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[ sizzling ]
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>> early: just yank that ol'
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Boy off the bronzin' pit,
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Sheriff.
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>> granny: hey!
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Easy there, stallion.
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I got 15 more minutes here.
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>> early: she does got 15 more
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Minutes.
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>> granny: how do I look?
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>> early: um...
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Better make it a half-hour.
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>> granny: well, toss another
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Tire on there.
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>> early: you want you a bark
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Smoothy while you wait?
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>> rusty: we got some pine-bark
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Flavor.
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We got some...Tropical-island...
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Ocean...Florida...
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Pine-bark flavor.
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[ whirring ]
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>> early: mechanical face peel?
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Microdermabrasion?
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>> sheriff: no, I'm just gonna
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Kind of get a base coat, you
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Know.
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>> granny: wait a minute.
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[ whoosh! ]
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I think I may need to go see a
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Doctor.
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[ monitor beeping ]
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>> she has, uh, fifth-degree
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Burns over 240%, uh, of her
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Body.
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Right here.
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>> granny: aah!
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>> right here.
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>> granny: oh!
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>> right there.
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>> granny: oww!
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>> you can hear it crackle just
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A little bit.
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>> granny: owww!
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>> what's cookin'?
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Just kidding.
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Come look at my expensive
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Computer.
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Uh, fortunately this -- this,
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Uh, circle box can allow us to
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Pinpoint the exact location of
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The burn so we can mask them
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With these enormous fake
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Breasts.
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>> granny: bigger.
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Bigger.
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Bigger.
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Bigger.
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>> rusty: yeah, bigger.
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>> oh, look -- it's me.
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>> granny: bigger.
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Bigger.
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[ computer beeps rapidly ]
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Mm...
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>> rusty: bigger?
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Yeah, bigger.
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>> granny: okay, bigger.
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Bigger.
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Come on, now. Bigger.
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Bigger.
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Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!
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Hit the brakes, there,
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Frankenstein.
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I want 'em to look natural.
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>> rusty: hey, what about them
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Burns, doctor?
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>> wait a minute.
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You've got burns?
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That is so amazing.
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I've got burns, too.
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Look.
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We both have burns.
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>> granny: can you make it
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Bigger with less nipple?
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So, medicare ain't gonna spring
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For no fake funbags?
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>> early: medicare.
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Medicare
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Medicain't!
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>> granny: but what about my
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Fragile self-esteem?
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[ zip! ]
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Ohhh!
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>> early: yeah, we got that
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Covered.
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>> granny: [ snoring ]
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[ snake-charming music plays ]
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>> [ hisses ]
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>> [ growls ]
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[ whines ]
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[ bones cracking ]
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>> [ moos ]
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>> [ clucks ]
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>> [ growls ]
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>> [ clucks ]
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>> [ whines ]
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>> [ moos ]
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[ thud ]
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[ crackling ]
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>> granny: can I see a mirror?
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>> early: russell, fetch that
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Mirror.
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>> rusty: yes, sir.
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[ engine revs ]
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[ crash ]
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>> granny: I like it.
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>> early: yeah.
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I sewed them pig intestines
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Where your mammaroids hang.
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>> granny: soft, yet supple.
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Just like the real thing.
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>> early: adjustable, too.
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Now, if you don't like 'em
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After a couple weeks, we can add
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More manure right on the fly.
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>> granny: no wrinkles.
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Hair looks fuller.
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It
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>> early: that's the lyme
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Disease.
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But them maggots will die over
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Time and leave their heads
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Burrowed into your outer organs.
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>> granny: well...
240
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I can live with that.
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>> early: mm, probably not,
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Though.
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>> sheriff: granny...
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Have you done somethin'
245
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Different with your hair?
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>> granny: [ giggles ]
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I'll never tell.
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>> early: sheriff, we close up
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At 6:00, now.
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>> sheriff: five more minutes?
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[ whoosh! ]
252
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>> early: mm...
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Better make it 10.
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>> granny grew to appreciate her
255
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New fur, and it filled her with
256
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A confidence that the purple
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Prunish skin of her past had not
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Allowed.
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[ all singing indistinctly ]
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Maybe just a little
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Confidence.
262
00:06:53,015 --> 00:06:54,015
>> granny: just the ladies!
263
00:06:54,017 --> 00:06:57,026
♪ to the old rotten cross ♪
264
00:06:57,028 --> 00:06:59,025
Fornicators only!
265
00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:03,002
♪ how will I ever be true? ♪
266
00:07:03,004 --> 00:07:04,022
Now the men!
267
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:08,005
>> my, someone's lookin' spry
268
00:07:08,007 --> 00:07:08,020
Today.
269
00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:09,012
[ chuckles ]
270
00:07:09,014 --> 00:07:10,028
How do you do it, granny?
271
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,023
>> granny: wouldn't
272
00:07:12,025 --> 00:07:13,008
Know.
273
00:07:13,010 --> 00:07:15,028
>> seein' your new skin reminds
274
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,013
Me of the story of joseph and
275
00:07:18,015 --> 00:07:20,017
His coat of many colors.
276
00:07:20,019 --> 00:07:22,013
The youngest of 11 sons of
277
00:07:22,015 --> 00:07:23,005
Israel and reached --
278
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,006
>> granny: [ hissing, rattling ]
279
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,013
Don't speak.
280
00:07:26,015 --> 00:07:31,027
Just drink me in with your eyes.
281
00:07:31,029 --> 00:07:33,009
Do you like what you see?
282
00:07:33,011 --> 00:07:34,011
>> [ chuckles nervously ]
283
00:07:34,013 --> 00:07:36,025
Uh, I-I s-s-suppose I do.
284
00:07:36,027 --> 00:07:38,004
>> granny: so you want it?
285
00:07:38,006 --> 00:07:38,023
>> well...
286
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,015
[ chuckles ]
287
00:07:39,017 --> 00:07:41,001
Granny, if I were not a man of
288
00:07:41,003 --> 00:07:41,023
The cloth...
289
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,007
>> granny: you'd bend me over
290
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:45,000
The hood of that king cam and
291
00:07:45,002 --> 00:07:46,021
Scramble my eggs up nice and
292
00:07:46,023 --> 00:07:47,006
Warm?
293
00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,001
Host a little "Punch and judy"
294
00:07:49,003 --> 00:07:49,023
Up there?
295
00:07:49,025 --> 00:07:50,024
>> no, I-I understood when you
296
00:07:50,026 --> 00:07:51,016
Mentioned the eggs.
297
00:07:51,018 --> 00:07:53,001
>> granny: please.
298
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,027
I'll pop these teeth out and
299
00:07:54,029 --> 00:07:56,022
Rock your world.
300
00:07:56,024 --> 00:07:58,001
[ slurp! ]
301
00:07:58,003 --> 00:07:58,022
[ plop! ]
302
00:07:58,024 --> 00:08:00,009
>> early: we can take five if
303
00:08:00,011 --> 00:08:01,018
Y'all need to get busy.
304
00:08:01,020 --> 00:08:03,011
>> granny: ooh!
305
00:08:03,013 --> 00:08:06,005
You have to catch me first.
306
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:06,027
[ giggles ]
307
00:08:06,029 --> 00:08:08,008
>> early: go on, reverend!
308
00:08:08,010 --> 00:08:09,004
She's in heat!
309
00:08:09,006 --> 00:08:11,025
>> granny: I'm gettin' away, you
310
00:08:11,027 --> 00:08:12,024
Big, blue tease!
311
00:08:12,026 --> 00:08:14,007
>> rusty: go get you some,
312
00:08:14,009 --> 00:08:14,026
Reverend.
313
00:08:14,028 --> 00:08:15,007
Whoo!
314
00:08:15,009 --> 00:08:16,006
>> okay. [ chuckles ]
315
00:08:16,008 --> 00:08:17,018
We'll see y'all at the spaghetti
316
00:08:17,020 --> 00:08:18,000
Social.
317
00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:19,003
>> granny: hey! Get back here!
318
00:08:19,005 --> 00:08:20,003
>> rusty: go get you some,
319
00:08:20,005 --> 00:08:20,015
Granny!
320
00:08:20,017 --> 00:08:21,016
>> granny: get to know each
321
00:08:21,018 --> 00:08:21,027
Other!
322
00:08:21,029 --> 00:08:22,021
[ siren chirps ]
323
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:23,028
>> sheriff: granny, you know
324
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,025
Rape is illegal in these parts.
325
00:08:25,027 --> 00:08:26,018
[ thump ]
326
00:08:26,020 --> 00:08:27,020
I know it, too.
327
00:08:27,022 --> 00:08:29,006
It's pretty much illegal
328
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,017
Everywhere, isn't it?
329
00:08:30,019 --> 00:08:32,005
I'm pretty dang sure it's
330
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:34,025
Illegal in most places.
331
00:08:34,027 --> 00:08:37,001
>> granny: [ growls ]
332
00:08:37,003 --> 00:08:41,000
[ shrieks ]
333
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:45,001
>> sheriff: I-I tell you what --
334
00:08:45,003 --> 00:08:46,013
W-why don't I just let you go?
335
00:08:46,015 --> 00:08:47,011
>> you're releasin' her?
336
00:08:47,013 --> 00:08:48,014
>> sheriff: what? You're gonna
337
00:08:48,016 --> 00:08:49,025
Blame
338
00:08:49,027 --> 00:08:51,027
>> early: aw, granny, rape
339
00:08:51,029 --> 00:08:53,018
Illegal in these parts.
340
00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:55,001
Ask me how I know.
341
00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:56,001
>> granny: [ panting ]
342
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:56,024
>> early: go on.
343
00:08:56,026 --> 00:08:58,009
Ask me one time how I know.
344
00:08:58,011 --> 00:08:59,015
>> granny: [ growls ]
345
00:08:59,017 --> 00:09:01,007
>> early: it's a long story, but
346
00:09:01,009 --> 00:09:02,005
A colorful one.
347
00:09:02,007 --> 00:09:02,023
[ glass shatters ]
348
00:09:02,025 --> 00:09:03,021
>> granny: pull over, dumbass!
349
00:09:03,023 --> 00:09:04,017
>> early: whoa, whoa, whoa!
350
00:09:04,019 --> 00:09:05,015
What the hell?!
351
00:09:05,017 --> 00:09:06,009
[ tires screech ]
352
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:08,011
>> granny: [ howls ]
353
00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:09,002
[ panting ]
354
00:09:09,004 --> 00:09:10,024
>> oh, um...
355
00:09:10,026 --> 00:09:11,022
No, no.
356
00:09:11,024 --> 00:09:13,006
I-I was just, uh...
357
00:09:13,008 --> 00:09:14,013
Just blocking the wind,
358
00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:15,011
Actually.
359
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:16,016
>> granny: you sure, now?
360
00:09:16,018 --> 00:09:18,000
[ demonic voice ] There's plenty
361
00:09:18,002 --> 00:09:18,015
Of room!
362
00:09:18,017 --> 00:09:19,029
[ growls ]
363
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:21,013
>> early: seriously, tell me --
364
00:09:21,015 --> 00:09:22,022
How is it rape when they're
365
00:09:22,024 --> 00:09:23,004
Dead?
366
00:09:23,006 --> 00:09:24,016
Talk about a victimless crime.
367
00:09:24,018 --> 00:09:25,021
>> rusty: daddy, there's
368
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,005
Somethin' about granny and that
369
00:09:27,007 --> 00:09:28,021
New fur.
370
00:09:28,023 --> 00:09:30,011
>> early: yup. I'm proud of her.
371
00:09:30,013 --> 00:09:31,028
She's really come out of that
372
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,013
Shell.
373
00:09:32,015 --> 00:09:33,029
She's a social butterfly, she
374
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:34,010
Is.
375
00:09:34,012 --> 00:09:35,026
Damn it, woman! Stop piddlin'!
376
00:09:35,028 --> 00:09:36,015
[ horn honks ]
377
00:09:36,017 --> 00:09:37,013
>> granny: [ growls ]
378
00:09:37,015 --> 00:09:38,008
>> early: I swear.
379
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,011
That woman will talk to a
380
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:39,028
Fence post.
381
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,021
[ clank ]
382
00:09:41,023 --> 00:09:42,021
[ clank ]
383
00:09:42,023 --> 00:09:46,010
>> granny: [ shrieking ]
384
00:09:46,012 --> 00:09:47,009
>> early: damn it.
385
00:09:47,011 --> 00:09:48,027
I knowed this was gonna happen.
386
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:50,016
The shaman tried to warn me, but
387
00:09:50,018 --> 00:09:51,021
I was arrogant.
388
00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:53,016
"Health of our ancestors," he
389
00:09:53,018 --> 00:09:54,003
Said.
390
00:09:54,005 --> 00:09:56,004
"Leave them alone."
391
00:09:56,006 --> 00:09:57,007
[ shrieking stops ]
392
00:09:57,009 --> 00:09:58,024
>> rusty: daddy, what do we do
393
00:09:58,026 --> 00:09:59,007
Now?
394
00:09:59,009 --> 00:10:00,008
>> early: we wait.
395
00:10:00,010 --> 00:10:01,016
>> granny: [ shrieks ]
396
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:03,002
>> early: actually,
397
00:10:03,004 --> 00:10:04,007
Escape pod only holds one.
398
00:10:04,009 --> 00:10:04,021
See ya.
399
00:10:04,023 --> 00:10:05,025
>> rusty: b-b-but, daddy!
400
00:10:05,027 --> 00:10:07,001
>> early: hang tight, son!
401
00:10:07,003 --> 00:10:09,003
Fight the good fight!
402
00:10:09,005 --> 00:10:10,002
>> rusty: it's okay.
403
00:10:10,004 --> 00:10:11,011
Come over here. I'll pet you.
404
00:10:11,013 --> 00:10:12,027
I'm your friend. I'm rusty.
405
00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,027
Aah!
406
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,005
[ thumping, horn honking ]
407
00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:16,028
>> dan halen: such grace coupled
408
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,010
With such brutality.
409
00:10:19,012 --> 00:10:22,010
Violent, wild, and feral.
410
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:25,005
Great pagan gods of olympus, who
411
00:10:25,007 --> 00:10:28,006
Is this sublime creature?
412
00:10:28,008 --> 00:10:29,001
>> early: I could arrange a
413
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:29,011
Meetin'.
414
00:10:29,013 --> 00:10:30,002
>> dan halen: no, no.
415
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,020
That's not necessary.
416
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:34,018
I'll just take her from here.
417
00:10:34,020 --> 00:10:35,024
>> early: whoa, whoa, whoa!
418
00:10:35,026 --> 00:10:36,015
Hold on, now!
419
00:10:36,017 --> 00:10:38,007
You can't do that!
420
00:10:38,009 --> 00:10:39,013
You got the damn safety on,
421
00:10:39,015 --> 00:10:41,003
Here.
422
00:10:41,005 --> 00:10:43,013
[ ratchet! ]
423
00:10:43,015 --> 00:10:45,004
[ gunshot ]
424
00:10:45,006 --> 00:10:46,012
>> dan halen: despite the
425
00:10:46,014 --> 00:10:47,029
Efforts of the best doctors, I'm
426
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:49,020
Sorry to report...
427
00:10:49,022 --> 00:10:52,007
That the disease has spread to
428
00:10:52,009 --> 00:10:53,025
Her legs.
429
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:57,008
Every zone -- infectulated.
430
00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:59,003
Let's stop dyslexia in its
431
00:10:59,005 --> 00:10:59,024
Tracks.
432
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,000
Not for
433
00:11:03,002 --> 00:11:04,022
She's completely dead.
434
00:11:04,024 --> 00:11:06,025
But for
435
00:11:06,027 --> 00:11:09,006
Awesome building.
436
00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:10,017
I want to put a death ray
437
00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:13,000
Right...There.
26277
