All language subtitles for F.T.S03E08.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK_track3_[eng]

[theme music]

You know, Father, David,
and this is Father Brian.

MALE SPEAKER 1: Ted,
have you got a moment?

One second.

MALE SPEAKER 2: He's gonna jump.

Kevin?

Kevin, what's going
on, for goodness sake?

I can't go on.

Don't be silly now, Kevin.

It's pointless.

What did I become a
priest for any way?

What an utterly
useless waste of time.

I'd have been of more
use sweeping roads.

Would you listen to me?

It's fabulous being a priest.

Think of all the comfort you
bring to the sick and dying.

They love it.

They can't get enough of it.

What about your friends?

Father Alan here, for instance?

I've never met him before.

Anyone know him?

No.

All right, I'm
your friend, Kevin.

Really?

You better believe it.

Now, stop all that
nonsense and come on.

OK.

I'm coming in.

Well caught.

Well caught.

That silver-haired
priest, what's his name?

Why, that's father Ted Crilly.

Crilly, huh?

Thank you.

And who are you?

What--

Sorry, I went over there.

What'd you say?

I said, who are you?

My name's Cagney,
Buzz Cagney, and I

think I might have a proposition
for this Father Ted Crilly.

I'm sorry, Father, I don't
know what came over me.

I get a bit depressed sometimes.

Don't mention it.

I hate to bring this up now,
but that 20 quid you own me?

Do you remember?

If you have it.

And Harrison Ford
jumps off the plane,

and as he's falling fires
back up in the plane.

Wow, that sounds great.

I'm going again this
weekend, if you want to see it.

Brilliant.

Oh, Mrs. Doyle,
when you go home,

Father Kevin will be there.

He's staying until
this depression

or whatever it is lifts, so--

Oh, right.

So don't depress him.

Yes, stay away from war and
death and that whole pension

fund area.

All right.

I'll stick to things like
puppies and cushions.

Puppies and cushions.

I'm in a better mood already.

Father, that
sermon today, frankly

it bored the arse out of me.

Well, Eugene, I'm not
here to entertain you.

If you want that type
of thing, go and see

John Michel Gar or someone.

What the hell
was it at anyway?

Well, it was a--

Ah, Jesus.

What was my sermon
about today, Dougal?

Do you remember?

Sorry, Ted, I
was concentrating

too hard on looking holy.

To be honest, I
couldn't give a toss.

This is much more fun
than killing yourself,

isn't it, Kevin?

I suppose.

Ah, come on, Kevin, cheer up.

That's me and Dougal's job now,
we're in the smile brigade.

Not the fire brigade,
the smile brigade.

We're going to keep
you happy and cheery

until you can go to the bank.

Go to the bank?

Go home.

I meant, go home.

I'll have that money for
you first thing on Monday.

Seriously, just a
slip of the tongue.

Please, I don't even
remember how much it was.

- It was a 10er.
- 20.

20.

I'm sorry, but let's
nip that in the bud now.

It was 20.

I'm sorry, but it was.

It was 20.

Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is you're going to
stay here until you cheer up.

Things are going to
happen for you now.

I can feel it.

Oh, nice move, Kev.

Actually, Kevin, you've
landed on a snake there.

You have to go down.

What's wrong with you?

There's nothing wrong, Dougal.

Are you all right, Kevin?

Yes, I am.

I'm all right.
- Your go again.

Oh, good, five.

Another snake.

[giggling]

You're go, Dougal.

Hurray.

If he keeps landing on snakes,
then I'm going to win for sure.

Very near a
snake there, Kevin,

as long as you don't get a one.

You're all right,
Kevin, it's a six.

No, it isn't, Ted.

It's a one.

I don't think it is, Dougal.

It is, Ted, it's a one.

Look.

He's going to Snake Town.

Oh, come on, Kevin.

[crying]

Oh, wait, no.
It is a six.

[doorbell]

Kevin?

Tell you what, we'll
leave it at 15 quid.

Father?

Hm?

A visitor, Father.

Father Crilly, hello.

Hello.

My name is Father Buzz Cagney.

I was at a conference
the other day.

I was hoping we
could have a chat.

I think you might be interested
in a little proposition.

And then I was in Utah,
not a good Catholic market.

Mormon country.

Out there a guy can
have 5, 10 wives.

That's a lot of action.

Action?

Yeah.

Hard To compete with that.

And then I was in Reno.

Reno?

I believe that's
very like Wicklow.

I did a mass in Wicklow once.

Very rough crowd.

Very restless.

You have to do a good sermon
or they'll hop all over you.

Anyhow, where are you now?

I'm in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

Wow.

Good God, you really
landed on your feet there.

Tell me, is it really as false
and artificial as everyone

says it is?

Yes.

I'd love that.

You do get to meet quite
a lot of celebrities though.

Yeah?
Like who?

Kevin Spacey.

He's a nice guy.
- Don't know him.

What about Val Kilmer?

I believe he's a
complete bastard.

Did you ever think of
going out there yourself?

Well, I usually go on holidays
with my curious Father Maguire.

He can't really take
the sun too well.

Who are you?

What are you talking about?

This is Father Buzz Cagney.

He's just on a short visit.

He's from America.

America?

We were just talking about
that fellow Kurt Cobain.

He was from America.

Imagine blowing your
head off with a shotgun.

How did he manage
to survive that?

He didn't.

He died.

Oh, right.

Anyway, you go up to bed.

I'll be up in a minute.

All right.

Goodnight, lads.

You'll be up in a minute?

Yes, we sleep together.

Anyway, who else do you know?

Hello, everyone.

Father, are you looking
forward to your lunch tomorrow?

Yes, I suppose so.

I think you'll enjoy it.

You do like pheasant, don't ya?

Pheasant.

God, I love pheasant.

Well, that's a little clue.

The thing you'll be eating
likes pheasant as well.

Are you, Mrs. Doyle, you're
not going to cut his nails now,

are you?

I have to, Father.

He's been worrying
the armrests again.

Well, all right.

Buzz, just slip this on.

Anyway, you were saying?

Yeah.

I was curious, how much money
this parish bring in last year?

How much money?

I don't know.

[clipping]

[glass breaking]

Another bloody window gone.

I suppose we take in about
150 pounds, maybe 200 pounds.

[clipping]

Mrs. Doyle, aim
into the wall, please.

200 pounds, huh?

What's that?

Not even $400.

You know what i do with $400?

I wipe my ass with $400.

Good God.

Can that still be
used as legal tender?

My parish, St. John's,
made $2 million last year.

That's a lot of sherry
and steak dinners.

[clipping]

Mrs. Doyle, seriously
now, do it later.

Oh, all right, Father.

This is the St.
Johns brochure.

It's a little out of date.

We've had another swimming
pool built since then,

and these ladies serving drinks
would be in their 20s now.

Wow.

Cool.

Ted, the other
day, I saw how you

dealt with that suicide guy.

I have to say, I
liked what I saw.

How would you like to work with
me in LA in a satellite parish

to St. Johns?

You mean, LA?

That's un-- believable.

God, that's fantastic.

Do you really think
you could swing it?

It's a good parish, Ted.

If you work hard, the
rewards are there.

Yeah.

Spiritual rewards.

Real rewards.

Really?

It's the land of
opportunity, Ted.

You want something,
you can get it.

I wanted it.

Really?

It's official?
Yes.

Yes.

Great news.

Thank you, Buzz.

Thank you.

Yes.

One step at a time.

Got to get them all together.

Father Jack, Dougal, Mrs.
Doyle, I'm going to America.

Yes.

Ted, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Sure.

I just want to
thank you for talking

me off the ledge the other day.

It was very good of you.

I can't pretend that I'm
any happier, I'm afraid.

The world still seems a
dark, unpleasant place.

Yes.

I have to get all my
stuff brought over,

but that won't be a problem.

Kevin, hello.

What can I do for you?

Well, it's just that I
feel as if I should tell

someone where my thoughts
have been leading

me these past few weeks.

Down some very dark
and disturbing alleys.

I think, I'm experiencing
what you might know

as the dark night of the soul.

Hold on a second, Kevin.

Do you mind if I
put on some music?

No.

I've begun to be plagued by
doubts, doubts about, oh,

God, I mean, what if
none of it's true?

[upbeat music]

Who's The black [inaudible]
sex machine [inaudible]??

Shaft.

Sorry, Father?

This is such a good song.

I just keep thinking of
all the awful things that

happen to people, war,
famine, that whole mirror

pension fund thing.

It just makes me despair.

Shaft.

I love this bit.

I do, I do like
this song actually.

It's terrific.

Mrs. Doyle got in carboot sale.

Shaft.

Shaft.

Shaft.

You were saying, Kevin?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I better be go home anyway.

Thanks, Ted.

Listen, did you want that 20?

Yeah.
Actually, keep it.

Really?

All right, thanks, Ted.

No problem.

Yes.

Dougal, great news.

I've been asked to go
and work in America.

Really?

As what?

- As a priest.
- A priest?

Great.

That's more or less the
same as what you do here.

Yes.

God, America, fantastic.

When are we going?

When are we?

What?

I am going, aren't I?

You wouldn't-- you wouldn't
leave me behind, would you?

Mrs. Doyle, wait
till you hear this.

Ted's been offered
a job in America,

and we're all going with him.

Are we-- are we really?

Are we really, Father?

Yes, we're going to America.

Tell, Father Jack.

Father Jack?

(SINGING) I'll be seeing
you in apple blossom town.

I'll be seeing you to
change your name to mine.

Actually, I think I'd better
just go and have a bit of a lie

down.

Father, do you mind
if I turn on the radio?

No, I don't.

Put it on.

With their new single,
here's Radiohead.

[MUSIC - RADIOHEAD, "EXIT
MUSIC"] Wake from your sleep,

the drying of your tears.

Today, we escape.

We escape.

[cheering]

You guys, what a great mass.

Well, what'd you think, Buzz?

Seeing you out there today,
Ted, let me put it this way.

I haven't been this excited
about religion in 30 years.

You really know how
to work the room.

Well, you inspired me, Buzz.

It was one of those masses
when everything went right.

I don't know what it was.

I was just in the zone.

I know they're going to
love you in the states, Ted.

You put on a show.

But remember, it's a
competitive market.

You'll be up
against Billy Graham

and those nation of Islam guys.

You got to get your audience,
you got to grab them,

you know where to grab them?

Yeah, by the balls.

I was gonna say the shoulders.

Oh, right, sorry.

It's fantastic.

I just feel like going out and
doing another mass right away.

Pace yourself, Ted, I wouldn't
do another mass for a week.

The way I feel now,
I could convert gays.

Oh, Ted, one week to go.

Yes, Dougal.

Mrs. Doyle, Dougal, Father Jack,
I have to tell you something.

I have to be absolutely
honest with you.

The money was just
resting in the account.

We know all about it, Father.

No.

It's nothing to do with that.

It's, well, the
thing is you won't--

you won't be able to come
with me when I go into space.

I'm going to be the
first priest in space.

Yes.

NASA has selected me to be
the first priest in space,

so that's the news.

I thought you'd like to hear it.

Great.

That's all right.

God, Ted, first
America then space.

What's next?

Who knows?

Well, as long as we can
all go to America with you,

that's the important thing.

I think if I heard that I
couldn't go for any reason,

I'd have to say that that
will be the single most

crushing blow of my life.

A disappointment
like that, I don't

see how I could live with it.

I might have to take
the ultimate step

and take my own life.

Mrs. Doyle, that's a
terrible thing to say.

Well, it doesn't
matter anyway,

because I am going to America.

Yes.

Ha ha.

Well, Father, today's the day.

I arranged for the electricity
and phone to be cut off,

and I got someone to come around
and take away all the furniture

and burn it in a big fire.

Well, come on now, Father, we
don't want to miss our plane.

God, Ted, I've just
seen my passport photo.

I look hilarious.

Here.

God, I've changed a lot.

Look at Father Jack.

He's so excited about
going to America,

he can barely keep still.

Seriously, Dougal, I
have to say something.

Ow, I can't wait to hear this.

Every time Ted's talked to
us over the past few days,

it's just been more
and more good news.

Now you're going to tell
us your Santa or something.

No, I'm not Santa.

In fact, I'm the
opposite to Santa.

The anti-Santa?

I'm afraid this is going
to come as a terrible blow

to all of you, but I can't
put it off any longer.

What are those
guys doing here?

They just came with me to
the airport to say goodbye.

They don't think they're
coming as well, do they?

No.
I told them.

I definitely made that
very clear to them.

I told them a million times.

Just say your goodbyes
and get checked in.

Then we can go to
the executive lounge,

talk about your new parish.

You know, Ted,
all my life, I've

dreamed about something really
special happening to me,

and now it is.

I think this is the
greatest moment of my life.

Me too.

Meet bras.

Dougal, Mrs.
Doyle, Father Jack,

why don't you wait in the cafe,
and I'll just check us in.

Which cafe, Ted?

The one that isn't a
tourist office over there.

OK.

They're never going to serve us.

So, you all set?

I am.

I forgot to pack
my swimming trunks.

What do you want them for?

Well, I don't want to go
all natural at the pool.

See, I have a bit of downy fluff
around that whole bottom area.

Yeah, I heard about that.

No, I meant, what pool?

You don't have a pool.

No?

OK.

You'll have a
basketball court.

Great.

That'll keep me fit anyway.

One of the ways
the parish has tried

to cool tensions between
the gangs in the past

is through sports.

Stop it there a moment, Buzz.

Gangs?

Did you use the
word gangs there?

What does that mean exactly?

Well, LA's gang problem
is getting slightly better

these days.

Last year, there were only
5,620 gang related deaths.

There's another use
of that word gangs

I asked you about earlier.

Also, I couldn't help
noticing that it was followed

closely by the word deaths.

Yes.

The good news is that
drive-by shootings are down.

Right.

There I note the word shootings.

Buzz?

Yes?

I quit.

I didn't know I was going
to America to umpire

drive-by shooting tournaments.

Stop the plane.

But, it-- it hasn't
started yet, Ted.

Don't start the plane.

I'm getting off.

Ted, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

Listen, Dougal, I've been
thinking about things,

and I think it would be better
if I didn't go to America.

I think we'd all be
happiest where we belong,

on Craggy Island.

Fair enough, Ted.

I didn't really
want to go anyway.

Oh, Father, you're back.

What's going on?

Ted decided it would be better
if we didn't go to America.

Really?

He's probably right.

Fight.

Come on, Father, we'll go
home and get you a drink.

Drink.

But I thought you
really wanted to go?

Yes, I thought I'd be a bit
more disappointed, but now

that you've told
us, I realize that I

didn't want to go anyway.

Besides, I don't think I can go.

I haven't told my
sister about it.

Come on, Ted, let's go.

Oh, yeah, Ted, you're here to
stay with me and Mrs. Doyle

and Father Jack forever and
ever and ever and ever and ever

and ever and ever
and ever and ever

and ever and ever and ever
and ever and ever and ever.

[music playing]

Down with this sort of thing.

Careful now.

Night, Dougal.

Night, Ted.