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1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,199
[opening music]
2
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[helicopter]
3
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[explosion]
4
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:42,679
Here we go, Dougal.
5
00:00:42,799 --> 00:00:46,000
22, 23-- this is us.
6
00:00:46,119 --> 00:00:47,320
Ted, we should've
got a window seat.
7
00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:48,759
No, no, Father.
You sit over there.
8
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,039
Though Dougal, to be honest
I'd be too nervous to sit
9
00:00:53,159 --> 00:00:54,000
beside the window.
10
00:00:54,119 --> 00:00:55,240
Why is that?
11
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:56,399
Well I've never liked flying.
12
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,399
You know, if God
had wanted us to fly
13
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,000
he'd have put the airports
nearer to the City.
14
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[chuckles]
15
00:01:02,119 --> 00:01:03,200
Excuse me, Father.
16
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,879
You're-- you're
sitting on my cardigan.
17
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,359
[groans]
18
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,439
Could you-- could you
not breathe like that?
19
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,319
You're making a noise.
20
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,560
Ah, now really, Father.
21
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,640
Honestly, this is a
no smoking flight.
22
00:01:19,560 --> 00:01:21,519
So, Dougal, did
you enjoy yourself?
23
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:22,680
Oh, I did yeah.
24
00:01:22,799 --> 00:01:24,159
Kilnettle is great,
isn't it Ted?
25
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,319
I mean, it must be the
holiest shrine in the world.
26
00:01:26,439 --> 00:01:27,200
Top 10 anyway.
27
00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:28,400
Yeah.
28
00:01:28,519 --> 00:01:29,760
Funny, isn't it Ted?
29
00:01:29,879 --> 00:01:32,079
Our Lady appearing on a
golf course like that?
30
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,000
Where exactly did
it happen again?
31
00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:36,000
On the 13th hole.
32
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,400
She appeared to fella
there on the green,
33
00:01:38,519 --> 00:01:39,959
about a yard from the pin.
34
00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:42,359
He was putting for a birdie
and the ball hit her foot.
35
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:43,239
God almighty.
36
00:01:43,359 --> 00:01:44,920
And then what happened?
37
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,159
Well, he just took a drop ball
and put it down to experience.
38
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:48,799
Hello, Ted.
39
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,480
On the whole playing nicely?
40
00:01:50,599 --> 00:01:52,840
I am, yes.
41
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:53,719
Same as yourself.
42
00:01:59,439 --> 00:02:00,640
Who is that, Ted?
43
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,120
Well that's Father
Joe Briefly, an old pal
44
00:02:02,239 --> 00:02:03,920
of mine from St. Columns.
45
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,159
We used to have a nickname
for him there, what was it?
46
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,040
Oh, yes.
47
00:02:07,159 --> 00:02:08,599
Very funny.
48
00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:11,400
We used to call
him Himalaya Joe.
49
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:13,439
Had all this hair
growing between his toes,
50
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,319
used to remind us of
the abominable snowman.
51
00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:18,039
Very funny.
52
00:02:18,159 --> 00:02:19,280
And did you have
a nickname, Ted?
53
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,639
No, I didn't.
54
00:02:21,759 --> 00:02:22,680
You must have had one.
55
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,400
No.
56
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:25,560
Father Briefly!
57
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,000
Dougal!
58
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:28,759
Father Briefly, do you
remember at all what Ted's
59
00:02:28,879 --> 00:02:30,080
nickname was at St. Columns?
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00:02:30,199 --> 00:02:31,280
Oh, let's see.
61
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,360
Now what's this [inaudible].
62
00:02:32,479 --> 00:02:33,360
Don't worry about it, Joe.
63
00:02:33,479 --> 00:02:36,120
I'll, uh-- I'll tell him myself.
64
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:37,159
All right, shut up, Dougal.
65
00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:46,759
It was-- Father Fluffy Bottom.
66
00:02:46,879 --> 00:02:48,280
Some of the priests
caught a glance
67
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,400
of my rear end in the showers
after a game of football
68
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,360
once, and uh--
69
00:02:52,479 --> 00:02:54,120
well, I had all this, um--
70
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,560
downy fluff growing
around that whole area.
71
00:02:57,680 --> 00:02:58,479
Oh, yes.
72
00:02:58,599 --> 00:03:00,000
Father Fluffy Bottom.
73
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,560
Hilarious stuff.
74
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,000
And what did
you do in the end?
75
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,080
Shave it off?
76
00:03:05,199 --> 00:03:06,639
Shave it off?
77
00:03:06,759 --> 00:03:08,599
Oh, not at all.
78
00:03:08,719 --> 00:03:10,000
All right.
79
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,000
Father Briefly!
80
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,000
Dougal!
81
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,719
It was Father Fluffy Bottom.
82
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:15,599
Ah, yes.
83
00:03:15,719 --> 00:03:17,240
That's right.
84
00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:19,680
Because he had this big load
of fluffy hair on his behind.
85
00:03:22,319 --> 00:03:23,840
What did you do in the end, Ted?
86
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
Shave it off?
87
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,199
No, I didn't.
88
00:03:27,319 --> 00:03:28,479
You can't get razors
with handles long
89
00:03:28,599 --> 00:03:32,080
enough to reach down to your--
90
00:03:32,199 --> 00:03:34,120
Do you remember what
they called you?
91
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,560
Himalaya Joe, because of
all that thick black hair
92
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:37,479
growing between your toes.
93
00:03:41,199 --> 00:03:43,759
That was actually
a medical condition.
94
00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:54,599
PILOT: This is your
pilot speaking.
95
00:03:54,719 --> 00:03:56,800
Fasten your seat belts, we
will shortly be taking off.
96
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:00,879
Who did that?
97
00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:05,800
Someone messing there.
98
00:04:05,919 --> 00:04:07,240
What you got, Dougal?
99
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,759
I got this at the gift
shop back at the airport.
100
00:04:11,879 --> 00:04:13,080
But Dougal, we
already have a tape
101
00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:14,080
dispenser back at the house.
102
00:04:14,199 --> 00:04:15,919
What did you buy that one for?
103
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,680
This is no ordinary one, Ted.
104
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,839
Watch.
105
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:21,839
You have used one
inch of sticky tape.
106
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:24,240
God bless you.
107
00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,240
Dougal, that is
absolutely brilliant.
108
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,639
All ready I can think of
hundreds of uses for it.
109
00:04:28,759 --> 00:04:29,680
Get anything else?
110
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:30,879
Oh, I did yeah.
111
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,040
Look.
112
00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,240
What's it do?
113
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,160
Squeeze it there.
114
00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:35,759
It's a joke telephone.
115
00:04:35,879 --> 00:04:39,160
[squeak]
116
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,800
Dougal, this is a dog toy.
117
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:43,600
What?
No it's not, Ted.
118
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:44,680
It's a joke telephone.
119
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,360
Dougal.
120
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,040
This is a toy for dogs.
121
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,199
This is something people give
their dogs on their birthday.
122
00:04:50,319 --> 00:04:51,399
No, seriously Ted.
123
00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:53,560
It's a joke telephone.
124
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:55,399
You just give it to someone
and tell them it's a phone,
125
00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:58,680
and they'll try to make
a phone call on it.
126
00:04:58,800 --> 00:04:59,839
Dougal!
127
00:04:59,959 --> 00:05:01,319
Who would think
this is a telephone?
128
00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:04,279
Even a dog knows
this isn't a phone.
129
00:05:04,399 --> 00:05:05,560
Well, Ted, we'll
agree to differ.
130
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:06,920
All right?
131
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:07,800
No we won't agree to
differ because you're
132
00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,000
very, very wrong.
133
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,600
Look.
134
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:11,839
Did the picture on the packet
not even give you a clue?
135
00:05:11,959 --> 00:05:14,920
Why do you think the
dog looks so happy?
136
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,959
He's happy because somebody
has given him a yellow rubber
137
00:05:17,079 --> 00:05:18,319
telephone that makes a noise.
138
00:05:18,439 --> 00:05:19,759
No, no.
139
00:05:19,879 --> 00:05:20,959
He's laughing because
someone is trying to make
140
00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:23,600
a phone call on the telephone.
141
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:26,040
Dougal, dogs don't have the
same kind of sense of humor
142
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,319
as us.
They're not as advanced as us.
143
00:05:27,439 --> 00:05:29,040
Why didn't you buy
something sensible?
144
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:29,959
Like this, for example.
145
00:05:32,959 --> 00:05:36,079
Now, put a coin in that.
146
00:05:36,199 --> 00:05:36,959
Wow.
147
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,399
God, Ted.
148
00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:46,519
That is fantastic.
149
00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:47,439
What is it?
150
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:48,519
A sort of moneybox?
151
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:49,680
Yes.
152
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,160
You know, with
something like this
153
00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:54,560
it would be so easy to make
it look cheap and tacky.
154
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,399
But just look at her there.
155
00:05:56,519 --> 00:05:59,360
Pure class.
156
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:00,480
Now come on, now.
157
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,560
The joke's over.
158
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:03,480
Here we go.
159
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,759
Oh, God.
160
00:06:04,879 --> 00:06:06,120
What's up with you, Ted?
161
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,720
Oh, it's just the
tension before taking off.
162
00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:09,319
I'll be OK in a minute.
163
00:06:09,439 --> 00:06:12,920
Wouldn't it be terrible to
be killed in a plane crash?
164
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,160
Yes.
165
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:15,800
Or if you just fell
out of the plane.
166
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,720
If the floor just disappeared
from under you, and you just
167
00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:19,079
fell out.
168
00:06:19,199 --> 00:06:20,439
And you'd be falling for
ages and ages and ages.
169
00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,759
[squeaking]
170
00:06:34,199 --> 00:06:35,639
Felling a bit better, Ted?
171
00:06:35,759 --> 00:06:36,560
No Dougal.
172
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,279
Not really, no.
173
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:41,160
Tell you what, maybe I'll
give Larry Duff a call.
174
00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:42,600
He developed a fear
of flying after all
175
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:43,959
those crashes he was in.
176
00:06:44,079 --> 00:06:45,800
He went to a
hypnotherapist to cure it.
177
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:48,000
Told me I could give him a call
any time I was feeling nervous.
178
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,920
Oh, for God's sake.
179
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,600
What was that?
180
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,079
Just a bit of turbulence.
181
00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:58,680
God, I wish I was so nervous.
182
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,399
You know, Larry told me once
you've more chance of being
183
00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:02,000
trampled by a herd
of stampeding donkeys
184
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:03,600
than you have of being
killed in a plane crash.
185
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:10,439
[phone ringing]
186
00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:19,759
No, he's not picking up.
187
00:07:19,879 --> 00:07:22,160
[grunting]
188
00:07:22,279 --> 00:07:24,079
Ted!
189
00:07:24,199 --> 00:07:27,240
Hello, Father Furlong, hello.
190
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,160
[grunting]
191
00:07:29,279 --> 00:07:30,160
Ah, yes.
192
00:07:30,279 --> 00:07:31,160
It's very good.
193
00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:33,240
[grunting]
194
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,519
Oh, I am a very big
fan of his, all right.
195
00:07:36,639 --> 00:07:38,959
Or should I say, a'wight.
196
00:07:39,079 --> 00:07:41,480
[grunting]
197
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,680
No, there's no
mention of it so far.
198
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,120
[grunting]
199
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,839
God, he has been driven mad.
200
00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:51,639
He asked me to take him
up to see the cockpit.
201
00:07:51,759 --> 00:07:52,600
Cockpit, Ted?
202
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:53,759
Ah, Ted, can I have a look, too?
203
00:07:53,879 --> 00:07:55,439
Well, Dougal, I'm not sure--
204
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:56,439
Oh, [inaudible].
205
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,439
What's he up to now?
206
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:01,600
Oh, God.
207
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:02,920
Look, he's going
mad with excitement.
208
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,600
I better go.
Coming, Father?
209
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:05,600
Great.
210
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:07,639
Dougal, don't touch anything.
211
00:08:07,759 --> 00:08:10,120
We don't want an action replay
of the ceiling incident.
212
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,199
All right, fair enough Ted.
213
00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:14,160
Hello?
214
00:08:14,279 --> 00:08:15,480
Oh, there you are, Father.
215
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,800
You wanted the official tour.
216
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,240
Oh, God yes.
217
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,959
He's been talking about
nothing else all day.
218
00:08:21,079 --> 00:08:24,439
Will you calm down,
you money man.
219
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,399
These are the main controls.
220
00:08:26,519 --> 00:08:29,279
Over here we have the gauges
for engines one, two, and three.
221
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,159
Father.
222
00:08:36,279 --> 00:08:37,320
Father!
- What?
223
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,080
What?
I wasn't going to press it.
224
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,399
Sorry, I was only asking if
you've ever been in a cockpit
225
00:08:41,519 --> 00:08:43,120
before.
- No.
226
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,879
I was on the bridge of a ceiling
ferry once, and it was funny
227
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,159
but I was looking at
the controls and--
228
00:08:47,279 --> 00:08:49,519
[coughs]
Oh, and nothing happened at all.
229
00:08:52,679 --> 00:08:54,200
Right, that's it.
230
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:55,639
[laughter]
231
00:08:55,759 --> 00:08:57,279
Hey, come on now.
What's so funny?
232
00:08:57,399 --> 00:08:58,399
What's so funny?
233
00:08:58,519 --> 00:09:00,120
Just come on now,
the jokes over.
234
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,200
Who are you?
235
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:02,200
What do you mean, who am I?
236
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,720
You blind?
237
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:04,879
I'm the man you've been
pelting with pieces of rolled
238
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,200
up paper for the whole journey.
239
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,519
- I have not.
- Ah, yeah?
240
00:09:07,639 --> 00:09:08,480
Why you're laughing then?
241
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,840
What's the big laugh about?
242
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,679
I'm listening to
comedy on these.
243
00:09:12,799 --> 00:09:13,720
It's Mr. Bean.
244
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,399
Oh, right.
245
00:09:15,519 --> 00:09:18,399
And yes, I am blind
as a matter of fact.
246
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,480
Is this since birth or is it
more recent thing, you know?
247
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:25,440
Since birth.
248
00:09:25,559 --> 00:09:27,039
Right.
249
00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:28,519
That's very interesting, but
I suppose your other senses
250
00:09:28,639 --> 00:09:29,960
make up for it.
251
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,200
I hear that with blind
people, their other senses
252
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,360
become more alert.
253
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,799
So to speak.
254
00:09:33,919 --> 00:09:35,320
I suppose you can smell
things from 10 miles away
255
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,000
and hear things
before they happen.
256
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,159
[laughs awkwardly]
257
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,080
No.
258
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,120
No sixth sense of any kind?
259
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,279
I suppose in your case, it
would be a fifth sense seeing
260
00:09:45,399 --> 00:09:47,639
as you only got the four.
261
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,080
Unless there's another
one missing that
262
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,759
I don't know about.
263
00:09:50,879 --> 00:09:51,720
How's your sense of touch?
264
00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:56,559
Could you go away now, please?
265
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:57,799
Yes, I'll uh--
266
00:09:57,919 --> 00:10:00,399
I'll do just that.
267
00:10:00,519 --> 00:10:03,799
[laughter]
268
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,000
[inaudible]
269
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,080
Come on now, we'll head back.
270
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,080
Say thank you to Mr. Pilot.
271
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,679
[yells]
Oh, God.
272
00:10:15,799 --> 00:10:16,799
He must have seen
his reflection.
273
00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,080
What?
274
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,320
He's not supposed
to see his reflection,
275
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,200
he doesn't know he's a priest.
276
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,159
Stop it, Father!
277
00:10:23,279 --> 00:10:24,120
Settle down!
278
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,080
[yelling]
279
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,399
Get him off me, I can't see!
280
00:10:27,519 --> 00:10:29,440
Father McGuire, press
the emergency button!
281
00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:30,320
What?
282
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,279
The emergency button!
283
00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,440
What does it look like?
284
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:35,159
The with emergency
written on it!
285
00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:41,840
Right.
286
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:45,600
I'll just go to the old toilet.
287
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,200
Is um-- is this the toilet?
288
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,559
First class toilet, sir.
289
00:10:56,679 --> 00:10:59,600
Do you have a
first class ticket?
290
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,000
No.
291
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,720
Then I'm afraid you
have to go across the way.
292
00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:10,919
[grunting]
293
00:11:15,759 --> 00:11:16,519
Ted.
294
00:11:16,639 --> 00:11:17,440
What?
295
00:11:17,559 --> 00:11:18,720
Can I have a quick word?
296
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,559
FATHER TED: Yes, just a moment.
297
00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:23,919
Right.
298
00:11:24,039 --> 00:11:24,840
What's wrong, Dougal.
299
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,120
Well, slight problem Ted.
300
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:28,639
What?
301
00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:31,320
Well apparently someone
pressed a button in the cockpit
302
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,559
and uh--
303
00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:34,240
something to do with
the fuel, I think.
304
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,639
I think the person might have
emptied one of the fuel tanks
305
00:11:35,759 --> 00:11:37,240
by mistake.
306
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,240
Anyway, there's not enough
fuel to make it to the airport.
307
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,279
Right so that would
mean what exactly?
308
00:11:41,399 --> 00:11:42,919
An emergency landing
or something?
309
00:11:43,039 --> 00:11:45,399
- Yeah, an emergency landing.
- Right.
310
00:11:45,519 --> 00:11:46,679
Right.
311
00:11:46,799 --> 00:11:48,320
But the thing is,
Ted, we don't actually
312
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,679
have enough fuel to
make it to a place
313
00:11:49,799 --> 00:11:51,440
where we can make an
emergency landing.
314
00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:53,240
And also, there's only
two parachutes on board.
315
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,639
No, no, no.
316
00:11:54,759 --> 00:11:56,279
No, wait a second, Dougal,
before you carry on;
317
00:11:56,399 --> 00:11:58,159
what did you say the name
of this film was again?
318
00:11:58,279 --> 00:11:59,080
No, no, no, no.
319
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,600
It's not a film.
320
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,720
It's not a film.
321
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,000
No.
322
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,799
So-- right, this is
actually happening?
323
00:12:04,919 --> 00:12:05,799
Yes.
324
00:12:05,919 --> 00:12:07,120
This is happening now to us.
325
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,000
It is, yeah.
326
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:14,799
Dougal, here's a mad guess
just out of the blue but um--
327
00:12:14,919 --> 00:12:15,720
did you press the button?
328
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:16,639
Ah, no Ted.
329
00:12:16,759 --> 00:12:19,559
Come on.
330
00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:20,720
Did you, Dougal?
331
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,559
I did, yeah.
332
00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:24,440
Hello, Ted.
333
00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:25,360
Have you heard the news?
334
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:26,279
Yes, Noel.
335
00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:27,759
What do we do, Ted?
336
00:12:27,879 --> 00:12:29,399
Has anybody pressed
the emergency button?
337
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:30,600
No.
338
00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:31,279
Well shouldn't
somebody give it a go?
339
00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:32,559
Careful, Ted.
340
00:12:32,679 --> 00:12:33,759
There might be a fine
for improper use.
341
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,960
Dougal, this is
definitely an emergency.
342
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,480
I think basically the
most important thing is
343
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:38,919
to keep the other priest calm.
344
00:12:39,039 --> 00:12:42,279
Not a word about this
when you get back inside.
345
00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:45,600
[sirens]
346
00:12:49,279 --> 00:12:50,080
Nothing happened.
347
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,080
What does it do?
348
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,960
Never needed it before.
349
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,639
Father, who gets the parachutes?
350
00:12:54,759 --> 00:12:56,600
God, that's a tough decision.
351
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,000
Oh, you're right there Ted.
352
00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,679
Maybe we should just not
tell anybody about them.
353
00:12:59,799 --> 00:13:00,679
Just throw them off the plane.
354
00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:02,879
Pretend they never existed.
355
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,840
No, Dougal, I don't
think we should do that.
356
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,440
I have a better idea.
357
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,200
Right, this is my idea.
358
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,120
Basically, I think what
we should do is this--
359
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:19,080
So in no more than 200 words,
why you should get a parachute.
360
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,799
So we should just write
about how great we are?
361
00:13:22,919 --> 00:13:25,440
Yes.
362
00:13:25,559 --> 00:13:27,600
I got my housekeeper
pregnant a couple of years ago
363
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,840
and forced her to leave the
country, should I mention that?
364
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,919
No, I wouldn't.
365
00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:37,879
Are you going two take marks
off for spelling mistakes?
366
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:42,000
Only if we end up in
a tiebreaker situation.
367
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,279
Who'll own the
copyright on this?
368
00:13:44,399 --> 00:13:45,600
What?
369
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,600
Well, say if I was
to survive and wanted
370
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,720
to write my autobiography could
I use extracts from this thing
371
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,759
I'm going to write or would
you own the copyright?
372
00:13:52,879 --> 00:13:54,399
As far as I know
you own the copyright,
373
00:13:54,519 --> 00:13:57,720
but frankly the chances of
surviving are very, very low.
374
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,879
Oh, right.
375
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,759
Should we not just
a bit of an old pray?
376
00:14:03,879 --> 00:14:05,799
I mean, maybe God
will help us and--
377
00:14:12,639 --> 00:14:17,639
Anyway have you all got
pens and paper and everything?
378
00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:20,559
Can I use my laptop computer?
379
00:14:20,679 --> 00:14:22,159
I don't think you're
allowed to use them.
380
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:23,559
I think they're
dangerous, aren't they?
381
00:14:23,679 --> 00:14:24,759
They interfere with the radar.
382
00:14:24,879 --> 00:14:26,879
Yes, but we're
going to crash anyway.
383
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:27,799
Right, right.
384
00:14:27,919 --> 00:14:28,679
I see what you mean.
385
00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:30,720
Well uh-- yes, use it.
386
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:31,639
Come on, Dougal.
387
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,279
Oh Ted, you're
very calm altogether.
388
00:14:42,399 --> 00:14:44,159
Have you gone mad or something?
389
00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:47,000
No, it's just I've
always hated flying
390
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,480
but now that we're in
an emergency situation--
391
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,759
well, my fear has
just transformed
392
00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:53,480
itself into affirmative action.
393
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:54,440
Do you know what I mean?
394
00:14:54,559 --> 00:14:55,480
I do, Ted.
395
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:56,480
Do you?
396
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,399
No.
397
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,440
All right, then.
398
00:15:03,559 --> 00:15:05,879
Pens down.
399
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,360
Father O'Shea, you
didn't stop writing.
400
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,399
I'm afraid you're disqualified.
401
00:15:08,519 --> 00:15:10,360
You what?
402
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,720
That's not fair, I
was only finishing.
403
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,919
Father Cave, do
you want to go first?
404
00:15:16,039 --> 00:15:18,360
I haven't written
this down because it
405
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,759
comes from the heart.
406
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:23,480
Father Gallagher, I've
known you and been
407
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,519
your friend for many years.
408
00:15:25,639 --> 00:15:30,200
And now I think it's
important to say I love you.
409
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,080
I love you more than
anybody I've ever loved.
410
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,080
I don't want the
parachute, give it to him!
411
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,480
[crying]
412
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:44,840
Right.
413
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,279
Well done, Father Cave.
414
00:15:48,399 --> 00:15:51,360
Father Faye?
415
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,799
[clears throat]
416
00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:57,159
[grunting]
417
00:16:01,559 --> 00:16:04,840
[clapping]
418
00:16:06,679 --> 00:16:08,639
Well, beat that.
419
00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:10,919
Joe?
420
00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:12,399
Well, uh--
421
00:16:12,519 --> 00:16:15,600
I think I should get the
parachute because I'm great.
422
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,840
In fact, I think I should get
both the parachutes in case
423
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,799
one of them doesn't work.
424
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,639
Oh, not a popular one, Joe.
425
00:16:26,759 --> 00:16:28,840
Father Flynn, what
did you write?
426
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,399
I haven't written anything
because I'm not very
427
00:16:31,519 --> 00:16:33,159
good at that kind of thing.
428
00:16:33,279 --> 00:16:34,039
But I did a drawing.
429
00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:39,440
Right, well good.
Can we have a look?
430
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:47,799
What do you think?
431
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,200
Well--
432
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:50,120
It's me.
433
00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,639
In the nick with a dog.
434
00:16:54,399 --> 00:16:58,519
How-- how does that
help you win a parachute?
435
00:16:58,639 --> 00:16:59,919
What do you mean, parachute?
436
00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:03,120
I wasn't listening
at the start there.
437
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:06,240
Why would I want a parachute?
438
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,000
The plane's in trouble
and this is a competition
439
00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:10,799
to see who gets a parachute.
440
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:11,680
Oh.
441
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:19,319
OK.
442
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,960
Father Jack, you next.
443
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,200
Father Jack?
444
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:25,839
Where's Father Jack?
445
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:26,960
The parachutes.
446
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:27,960
The parachutes have gone.
447
00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:33,880
FATHER JACK: Free!
448
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:47,000
Ah, Ted, I just remembered
that we're all going to die.
449
00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,599
Dougal, I just
wanted to say, uh--
450
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,559
I know sometimes I'm a
little short with you.
451
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,240
Sometimes I'm not as
patient as I should be.
452
00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:59,400
But you know, in the end
we're the best of friends.
453
00:17:59,519 --> 00:18:00,319
What do you mean?
454
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,559
I'm just trying to say- I know
sometimes I act like maybe you
455
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,279
get on my nerves but
I suppose secretly
456
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:10,359
I think it's quite funny.
457
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,119
What's funny?
458
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:14,440
You know?
459
00:18:14,559 --> 00:18:16,799
The way you mix things
up and sometimes you
460
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,480
don't get what's going on.
461
00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:21,400
Who are you
talking about again?
462
00:18:21,519 --> 00:18:22,279
You.
463
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,680
What about me?
464
00:18:24,799 --> 00:18:26,319
I'm just trying to say--
465
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:28,880
Dougal, I like you.
466
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,680
Thanks very much.
Who are you saying that to?
467
00:18:30,799 --> 00:18:31,599
You!
468
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,799
I just said it there!
469
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:34,839
Hey!
470
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,720
We're on a plane!
471
00:18:37,839 --> 00:18:39,599
Father.
472
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,799
Do you know what a section
cubing stabilizing dot is?
473
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,119
No.
474
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,599
Do you know what a
shell diversify E420 is?
475
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,200
No.
476
00:18:46,319 --> 00:18:47,400
Do you know what a jet wrench
three ply short stick is?
477
00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:49,240
- No.
- Do you know who I am?
478
00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:50,119
You're the pilot.
479
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,400
Great.
480
00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:54,200
I know what I did there,
I started too big.
481
00:18:54,319 --> 00:18:59,039
Father, do you know
what a fuel reserve is?
482
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,920
Well, I'd imagine it's
some sort of basic backup
483
00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:02,039
to the main fuel tanks.
484
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,359
That's exactly it.
485
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:05,599
Now we have a fuel
reserve, but the line
486
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,240
connecting it to the uh--
487
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:09,880
uh, thing on the wing?
488
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:10,799
Engine.
489
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,000
The engine, yes.
490
00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:13,759
That line is broken.
491
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,920
If we could somehow fix that
line, we might stand a chance.
492
00:19:17,039 --> 00:19:19,240
Even sticky tape would
do, but I've asked around
493
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,960
and there's none on the plane.
494
00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:23,920
That's where you're wrong.
495
00:19:24,039 --> 00:19:27,119
Dougal, give us the
thing you bought there.
496
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:28,319
All your problems are over.
497
00:19:32,599 --> 00:19:33,759
I wouldn't make
any calls, Father.
498
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,559
It interferes with radar.
499
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,000
Dougal, the sticky tape.
500
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:41,240
[sighs]
501
00:19:42,279 --> 00:19:43,920
Brilliant.
502
00:19:44,039 --> 00:19:45,599
Now all you have to do
is get out of the plane,
503
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,599
climb onto the wheels,
underneath the fuselage,
504
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,640
and attach the line.
505
00:19:48,759 --> 00:19:50,000
- And then we're saved?
- Yes.
506
00:19:50,119 --> 00:19:51,519
So I just climb out
of the plane and--
507
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,759
hang on, what?
508
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,480
I climb out of the plane?
509
00:19:54,599 --> 00:19:55,680
Yes.
510
00:19:55,799 --> 00:19:57,119
I wouldn't trust
anybody else, Father.
511
00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:01,079
You've already proved you
can keep a level head.
512
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,319
Then I'll do it.
513
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:03,480
FATHER DOUGAL: But Ted!
514
00:20:03,599 --> 00:20:05,240
Dougal, I love all this.
515
00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:06,680
When everything's
going OK I keep
516
00:20:06,799 --> 00:20:08,359
imagining all the terrible
things that can happen.
517
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:09,839
And now that one of
those things has actually
518
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,119
happened- it's just a rush.
519
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,279
I feel fearless.
520
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,440
Like Jeff Bridges in that movie.
521
00:20:15,559 --> 00:20:16,599
I haven't seen that one.
522
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:17,640
Not many people have, Dougal.
523
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,119
It's probably a bad reference.
524
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,559
Anyway, let's go Captain.
525
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,680
Father, I'm not a Captain.
526
00:20:26,799 --> 00:20:29,559
And I'm not someone who climbs
under planes to fix fuel lines.
527
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:34,480
I think from now on we're
anything we want to be.
528
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:35,359
I'll still be a priest.
529
00:20:45,319 --> 00:20:48,160
You're a very
brave man, Father.
530
00:20:48,279 --> 00:20:49,640
I'm just doing a job.
531
00:20:49,759 --> 00:20:52,240
Dougal, the sticky tape.
532
00:20:52,359 --> 00:20:55,839
Well, I better get
back to the cockpit.
533
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:56,759
Good luck, Father Ted.
534
00:21:05,599 --> 00:21:07,920
TAPE DISPENSER: You have used
three inches of sticky tape.
535
00:21:08,039 --> 00:21:11,240
God bless you.
536
00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:13,400
You have used for
inches of sticky tape.
537
00:21:13,519 --> 00:21:15,240
God bless you.
538
00:21:15,359 --> 00:21:18,759
You have used eleven and
2/8ths inches of sticky tape.
539
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:19,759
God bless you.
540
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:20,720
FATHER TED: Ah, shut up.
541
00:21:20,839 --> 00:21:21,599
Wait.
542
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:23,200
Wait, Dougal.
543
00:21:23,319 --> 00:21:24,680
I think I've-- yes!
544
00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:25,799
I've sealed up the line.
545
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:26,720
We're saved!
546
00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:28,680
Oh, great!
547
00:21:28,799 --> 00:21:29,759
FATHER TED: I've
done it, Dougal.
548
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:31,640
We're going to live!
549
00:21:31,759 --> 00:21:33,519
Everything's completely
back to normal, Ted.
550
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,599
It's just your completely
average day today,
551
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,319
commoner garden plane journey.
552
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,000
[screaming]
553
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,079
FATHER TED (SCREAMING): What am
I doing on the fecking wheel?
554
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,559
[screaming]
555
00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:51,720
Oh, right.
556
00:21:51,839 --> 00:21:53,160
Right.
557
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:54,960
Thanks very much.
558
00:21:55,079 --> 00:21:57,279
Well, Mrs. Doyle there's
still no sign of Father Jack.
559
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,319
Oh, I hope he's all right.
560
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,039
And Father Crilly, I hate
seeing him like this.
561
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:04,160
FATHER DOUGAL:
Ah, he's beginning
562
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,039
to loosen his grip now.
563
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,279
Anyway, would you
like a sandwich?
564
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:18,400
I cut them into the
shape of an airplane.
565
00:22:18,519 --> 00:22:19,759
No thanks, Mrs. Doyle.
566
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,519
I think Ted and me have
had enough of airplanes
567
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:23,319
to do us a lifetime.
568
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,240
Haven't we, Ted?
569
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:28,960
FATHER JACK: Drink!
570
00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:29,960
Feck!
571
00:22:30,079 --> 00:22:30,960
Arse!
572
00:22:31,079 --> 00:22:32,440
Drink!
573
00:22:32,559 --> 00:22:33,400
Feck!
574
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:34,880
Arse!
575
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:35,839
Drink!
576
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,319
Feck!
Arse!
577
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,279
Drink!
578
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,720
[screaming]
579
00:23:12,839 --> 00:23:14,200
PILOT: This is your
pilot speaking.
580
00:23:14,319 --> 00:23:16,160
The emergency is over.
581
00:23:16,279 --> 00:23:18,519
We will be landing
in 20 minutes.
582
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,880
[cheers]
38940
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