All language subtitles for F.T.S01E06.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK_track3_[eng]

[incoherent shouting]

These really do work,
don't they, Dougal?

Oh, you're right there, Ted.

[incoherent shouting]

[theme music]

[dive bomb]

[explosion]

So then, you're a nun.

Right, Sister Monica.

I've left your bags in the hall.

I thought before we
dropped you at the ball,

you might like to go
and see the holy stone.

- The what?
- The holy stone of Clonrichert.

Oh great.

It's one of the holiest
lumps of rock in Europe,

and you can get these
magnificent souvenir

combs there.

They're fantastic combs.

I got this one
last year, and you

can see there they've
written, I saw

the holy stone of Clonrichert.

The stone is great.

We've seen it I think
about 300 times.

Well, why not?

It'll round off the weekend.

If you thought the [inaudible]
night was exciting, this will

drive you right over the edge.

It's all been leading
up to the holy stone.

What's so holy about
it anyway, father?

It's just a general kind
of holiness, you know?

Father Dougal stood beside of
there once for about 10 minutes

and he got a great
sense of serenity.

Yes, I-- I got a
great buzz off it.

But why is it called the
holy stone of Clonrichert?

I thought Clonrichert
was in [inaudible]..

It is.

The holy stone was up there, but
it wasn't doing great business.

So a treat in store for you.

Well, wonderful!

That'll be wonderful.

I'll just go and freshen up.

She'll be putting
on makeup, I suppose.

Impress the lads, huh?

Ah, no, she's probably
just going to the toilet.

Aren't nuns
great, though, Ted?

It-- it's good because you
don't feel as nervous with them

as you do at real women, do you?

Ah, you're right there.

Yeah.

Even though I only
got the courage

to talk for a few minutes ago,
it's nice to have a nun around.

Gives the place a
bit of glamor, huh?

A woman's touch.

Anyway, listen.

I better go and rouse Jack
and tell him we're off

Ted says you
were touching him.

Father Jack, you
all right there?

Ready for another day?

I'm off with Sister Monica now.

If the minute man
calls, the money's

under the statue
of our Lord being

embarrassed by the Romans.

All right, then?

Would you like a cup
of tea before I go?

Morning, father.

FATHER TED: I know you won't
mind us leaving you alone

because Father Dougal
got a new video for you,

"Reservoir Dogs."

It's probably not as
violent as the ones

you usually like, but,
[inaudible] well, give it a go.

What are you doing?

- This looks very bad, Ted.
- What?

He's very drunk.

Still?

He must have been
at it all night.

Where does he hide it?
- I don't know.

I haven't seen him
this bad since that

wedding in [inaudible], Ted.

Do you remember?

Didn't he disappear off
with Sister Rimelda.

God, yes, the blue nun.

Oh no, Ted.

Look at this.

Oh God, pull this.

Father, this is very bad.

Do you not remember what
the [inaudible] did to you?

Father Jack!

Father Jack, are you there?

Ted.

Imagine the damage
floor polish would do you.

My dear God!

- Ted.
- What is this?

Ah, I'm in
tremendous pain, Ted.

Put it down, then!

Oh.

God, Dougal!

Come on, we'd better go.

Get them into the arms.

Come on now, father.
Come on.

You can't have Sister
Monica seeing you like this.

Come on, big steps.
- What's the matter?

There you are, Sister Monica!

That's just Father
Jack's, uh, motor.

Takes a little time to
get going in the mornings.

He doesn't look well.

Oh, ho, ho, he's grand.

We're just taking him on a
little trip to the toilet.

We're gonna go on a little
trip to the toilet, Father.

Would you put him
down there in that chair

and we'll have a look at him.

He doesn't like
to be fussed over.

And I really think you
should let me look at him.

Oh holy mother of God!

He's dead!

What's the problem
there, sister?

Father-- Father Jack is dead!

There's no pulse
and he's stone cold!

Come on how, Father.

You're not dead, are you?

He's very definitely dead.

Come on, Father.

The joke's over.

Father, he's gone.

I think he should
go and get help.

And Father Dougal here
can give the sacraments.

Right, well, I'll
call Dr. [inaudible],,

but frankly, I
think you're making

a big fuss about nothing.

The last rites, father.

Oh right, yeah, of course.

Uh, shouldn't we wait for Ted?

But there's no need, really.

Is there any anointing oil?

No, I think himself
drank it last week.

You-- you sure you wouldn't
like to do the honors yourself

What?

No, of course not.

I suppose-- I suppose
I'm wearing the trousers

as far as this job goes.

Right, well, we
are gathered here

today to join two people to--

oh, sorry.

That's not it of course, yeah.

Well, Father, best of luck.

Of course, yeah, there's more.

Um, uh, sorry.

Didn't get a chance
to see you off.

I don't know if I
should be talking

to you down here or up there.

Look up there [inaudible].

So anyway, you're there
now with our-- our Lord

and Stalin and Bob Marley and--

and the rest of them and
of course my own parents.

Actually I'd like to
take this opportunity

to say hello to them.

Uh, hello, mommy and daddy.

I hope they're looking
after you up there.

The Latin, Father.

Oh right, yeah.

Uh totus tous aminimus
cannus costa carte

baggio Roberto [inaudible]

Oh, did you ring
the doctor, Father?

Right, well, it
looks bad, all right.

I-- I called Dr. [inaudible].

I gave him the symptoms
over the phone.

And he said he's
probably dead, all right.

The pulse not bieng
there is bad enough,

but the heart stopping
is the real danger sign.

That happened to my uncle
and he was fine afterwards.

His heart stopped?
For how long?

- Uh, a week.
- A week?

Really?

And he was fine afterwards?
- Actually, no.

Now I think of it, uh, he died.

I think it's
absolutely great to see.

I mean, the level of commitment
amongst the African church--

bringing the faith to the
people is just wonderful.

It's marvelous, isn't it?

Sure, I wouldn't know
him from [inaudible]..

Will you have a
sandwich, Father Cleary?

No, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

I'm fine.

Have a try.

They're diagonal.

So I see, but, uh,
no thanks, anyway.

Oh, go on.
Sure?

They're only small.

No, no, [inaudible].

Are you sure you
won't have one?

Ah, no thanks, Mrs. Doyle.

I-- I ate before I came out.

Would you like one for later?

I could put it in a bag.

Ah, no, no, [inaudible].

No, no.

Here's a little bag you
can bring one home in.

No, no, no.

And here's a bigger bag you
can put the little bag into.

No!

And you can be eat it later.

You can eat it now if you
want, whatever suits you.

Oh [inaudible]

Ah, you'll have one now.

Ah, sure, I might as well.

Mrs. Doyle.

I think Father Mackey
would like a sandwich.

Father Mackey, will
you have a sandwich?

I am terribly
sorry I'm late, Ted.

Oh, the car!

Oh, the car broke down!

That's all right.

Father Fay, how are you?

Ohh, ill I am.

He is.

This was very quick.

[inaudible]

Ah yes, I suppose so.

[inaudible]

In New Zealand and a
sister in South Africa.

Oh, [inaudible] Ted.

Why is it always the good ones?

Oh, ho, ho, you bastard!

Now, father!

He could have been Pope, Ted!

But the fecking Jesuits,
they have it all tied up.

Yes.

Imagine, Ted!

A Polish Pope!

It shouldn't been Jack.

But it's not what
you know, is it?

It's who you know.

That's sad.

But, um, look at him there.
He looks quite serene.

Oh God!

No, no, no, no!

He's dead, Ted!

Oh, we'll never see him again!

We'll see him
in the next world.

Oh yeah, sure.

[inaudible]

Oh God, no!

Get him down!

Get him down!

Get him down!

Feck off!

Give me lots to drink!

Oh!

Arse!
Feck!

Drink!

Feck off!

Oh, Ted, you big fool!

- What are you doing, Dougal?
- Oh!

I don't think you
should be getting

up to this kind of nonsense.
Come on now.

Up you get.

You should leave his
chair idle for a while.

Did you ever look at that?

He's completely bald.

Smooth as a baby's behind.

You'd know all
about that, Ted.

What?

You know, when you're
baptizing them, the babies.

Oh, [inaudible].

I'm going to give Sister
Monica a lift down to the boat.

Thank you, father.

Oh no, it's the
least we could do.

You're always very
good to Father Jack.

It's the least we could do.

Excuse me, father Cleary.

There's a woman here to see you.

A woman, Mrs. Doyle?

I think you mean a nun.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's a woman, all right--

a young woman, with a skirt.

I'll be off, then.

Hello.

Father Cleary?

Yes?

I'm from Corless,
Corless, and Sweeney.

Oh, ho, ho, we're
fine for coal, thanks.

Ah, no, it's nothing
to do with coal.

My name is Laura Sweeney.

And this must be Father McGuire.

Mm.

Anyway, I think you
both better sit down.

I've got a bit of
a shock for you.

Before you say
anything, I want

to assure you that that was just
a routine relocation of funds.

Oh, no, no.

The-- the money was
resting in my account

before I actually [inaudible]

No, you don't understand.

This is about Father Hackett.

Now please, sit down, and I'll
explain everything to you.

Now it may come as
a surprise for you

to learn that Father
Hackett left a will.

Did he?
Ha.

What does it say?

Well, if I may, I,
father Jack Hackett,

being of sound mind and body--

Sorry.

--leave my entire fortune
to Father Ted Clearly

and Father Dougal
McGuire to be distributed

equally amongst them and--

I'll be-- I'll be
off now then, Father.

I'll make the way to
the boat myself, then.

Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Fathers.

Yeah, bye.

Look at this, Dougal!

Father Jack left us money!

That's very nice of him.

How much?

Ha-- half--

half million pounds.

Half a million pounds!

Each!

Oh no, between us.

It's only a quarter of
a million each, Ted.

Ted.

Ted?

So that's that.

Looks like you're going
to be very rich men.

Grand.

There's just that
sole requirement

which I'm surprised
Father Hackett didn't

discuss with you himself.

Oh?

When is the funeral again?

Again?

Well, we haven't had
the first one yet, so--

No.

Ah, sorry.

Maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

It's tomorrow morning.

Right, well, you know about
Father Hackett's terrible fear

of being buried alive.

Well, there's no chance
of that now, is there?

I mean, you know,
like, he's dead.

Oh yes, he's terribly
frightened of that.

That's why he wouldn't
do confession.

He didn't like enclosed spaces.

Of course, he also just
didn't want to do it.

A load of strangers
telling you their sins.

Sure, who'd be
bothered with that?

Well, Father Hackett's fear--

Father Hackett's
fear was so great

that he stipulated that you
two must spend the night

before the burial with him.

OK, all right.

I suppose that's
the least we can do.

Anyway, we can discuss
it with the solicitor.

No, I am the solicitor.

No you're not.

I'm sorry, but I'm the
senior partner in Corless,

Corless, and Sweeney.

Now, come on, now.

Just because we're
from the island,

you think you can have
a bit of fun with us.

I assure you.

All right, all right.

The big [inaudible]
from the island.

Well, we're not as
thick as we look, eh?

No way, Jose.

Now wait a second.

Why do you think I've
been talking to you

for the last hour and a half?

Look, you're a lovely
girl, but I really think you

should talk to the solicitor.

If you're a solicitor,
I'm Boy George.

(SINGING) Karma, karma,
karma, karma, karma chameleon.

You come and go,
you come and go.

Karma, karma, karma,
karma, Karma, chameleon.

(SPEAKING) Oh, how's
your head, Ted?

Not too bad.

It's true what they say
about these career women.

They're very aggressive.

Yeah, she was very
aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?

Oh, and the
language out of her.

You wouldn't hear
of it from a docker.

I, you would.

They use very bad language.

F'in this and f'in that.

It was worse than that, Ted.
She was saying fu--

Now, Dougal!

Anyway, who'd have
thought Father Jack

had half a million pounds?

And he never said
a word about it.

There it was, lying in the
bank account all these years.

How did he get it
all in the first place?

Well, as far as
I understand it,

he was just an astute saver.

He tried to avoid
giving money to charity.

He wouldn't wear trousers
during the summer.

That obviously saved a couple
of Bob in wear and tear.

All sorts of little less
savings here and there all

over the place.

It all adds up, you know.

I suppose we all knew you really
knew him in his twilight years.

But I think we saw the best
of him, the really lovely man,

the true knight of the church--

gentle, lovely sense of
humor, patient, good natured

Sorry, Ted.

Who's this now?

Who do you think
I'd be talking

about at this particular
moment, Dougal?

I'm not sure, I
didn't catch the start.

Jack, of course.

Oh, right.

Yes, yeah.

A great priest.

First priest to
denounce The Beatles.

That's right.

[inaudible]

He could see what
they were up to.

And he loved
children, of course.

Oh, he did, yes.

They were terrified
of him, though.

Well, he had that
stick, you know.

And he'd be waving that stick.

And sure, maybe they
thought he'd hit them.

I heard when he was
teaching in St. Columns

that he was a great
believer in discipline.

[grunting]

Would you say he
was a good teacher?

Friend of mine had him.

Father Jimmy Ranable
studied under him

for a couple of years.

And he told me once.

He said, no one--

no one had such a huge
effect on him as Father Jack.

Father Jimmy Ranable.

Oh yeah, whatever
happened to him?

Do you remember the
[inaudible] massacre?

Yeah.

That was him.

Oh.

Another thing about Jack--

he loved a bit of competition.

He had a great
sense of fair play.

And a great
traditionalist-- he didn't

agree with a lot of the modern
thinking within the church.

You'll burn for
all eternity in hell!

Hell!

Funny-- one moment you're
here, the next moment--

and in the happy [inaudible]
time of his sleeping,

death took him by the hand.

You know, someone
once said that life

is a thin sliver of
light between two

immensities of darkness.

Makes you think.

It does, Ted.

About what?

About death, Dougal.

About death!

That's very morbid,
isn't it, Ted?

What's there to get off
thinking about death?

Still, it's good we
have this time with him.

Maybe sometimes we weren't
always as thoughtful

as we could have been.

But at least now, we're able
to have this time with him,

to treat him with the
respect he deserves.

Aye, you're right there, Ted.

Do you fancy now a
game of charades?

Yes Yes, I think so!

DOUGAL: Great, so you go first.

Right, I'll start.

I'll give you an easy
one, [inaudible]..

Ah, fishing!

Ah, gone fishing!

Something to do with boxing--
one handed boxing!

No, film!

You're not supposed
to tell me, Ted!

OK.

Film.

One film.

One word.

Come on, Ted!

You're making it a
bit too easy for me.

[inaudible] need you to know.

Right, one more, film.

Can't be Too many of them.

"Salem's Lot."

Ah, tongue!

Ah, mouth, teeth!

Ah, is there a film
called "Toung?"

"Tongue Tongue."

No, um, it's tongue fish!

Swim tongue!

Uh, uh, uh!

Fish!

Attack of the
giant killing fish!

Tongue!
Tongue fish!

The deep!

Piranha!

"Jaws II!"

Um, or close then.

Ah, um, Gho-- "Ghostbusters II!"

"Superman II!"

No, um.

"Batman Return!"

You had it [inaudible] "Jaws!"

No, I had "Jaws II," Ted!
It's a different film!

It's a very different film!

It's a different shark!

Ted, are you still awake, Ted?
- Yes, yes.

Just want to ask
you a question.

Ah, not again, Dougal.

Look, when a man and a lady
are very much in love--

No, no.

No, I didn't want
to ask that, Ted.

I just wanted to ask you.

Do you believe in an afterlife?

Do I what?

Do you believe
in an afterlife?

Well, Dougal,
generally speaking,

priests tend to have a very
strong belief in the afterlife.

Boy, I wish I had
your faith, Ted.

Dougal, how did you
get into the church?

Was it like collect 12 crisp
packs and become a priest?

Ted--

Dougal, please
let me go to sleep.

I was just wondering.

What are you going to do
with your share of the money?

Well, I-- luckily,
there are always

lots of charity organizations
that are grateful from money.

There's Concern, St. Vincent
de Paul, Food for Africa,

Help the Aging.

[club music]

And maybe a few pounds
for comic relief.

So some good will come
from Father Jack's death.

Tax It's hard to believe he's
gone, though, isn't it, Ted?

Ah, you're right there.

[snoring]

It's beginning to snow again.

The flakes, silver and
dark, falling obliquely

against the lamplight.

It's probably snowing
all over the island--

on the central plain,
on the treeless hills,

falling softly upon
the graveyards,

upon the crosses
and the headstones,

upon all the living
and the dead.

Shut the feck up!

Ah!

Ted, Ted!

What's wrong, Ted?

Father Jack, did you see
what happened to Ted?

What happened, Father Jack?

What-- oh!

[snoring]

So there he is, risen from
the dead like that fella ET.

There's one thing that
confuses me, though.

- Yes?
- Is jack dead then, or what?

Apparently not.

The floor polish
brought about all

the symptoms of death
such as no heartbeat,

rigor mortis, decomposition.

But he was lucky.

The effects just wore off him.

It's good to have him
back, though, isn't it?

Mmm.

Who needs half a
million pounds, anyway?

Yes, ah, our life
is the spiritual life.

[club music]

But to be honest, I don't
like talking about this,

but it's only a matter of time.

I mean, he's not a young man.

And you know, and I
suppose, when he's gone,

it won't be so bad.

The money will be some
kind of comfort to us.

Yeah, that's something.

Now you better come
down to the shops with me.

I want to buy some
more floor polish.

Maybe we should get a few
different brands-- you know,

just to try them out, like.

Yes, and we can leave
them all around the house

so they won't get lost.

Or we could leave
one in Jack's room

and ask him to keep
an eye on them.

Drink!

Feck off!