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1
00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:03,759
[film rise music playing]
2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,240
[music playing]
3
00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:36,000
[PLANE SOUND EFFECTS AND
CRASHING]
4
00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:37,840
TED: All right, are
you ready Dougal?
5
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:38,840
DOUGAL: Ready when you, Ted.
6
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,200
TED: You'll like this, Dougal.
7
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,759
OK, here I come.
8
00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:49,560
Who are you
supposed to be, Ted?
9
00:00:49,679 --> 00:00:51,880
What are you doing?
10
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,640
You two can't go as Elvis!
11
00:00:54,759 --> 00:00:57,200
You-- wait a second.
12
00:00:57,320 --> 00:00:58,520
You're Elvis, as well.
13
00:00:58,640 --> 00:00:59,759
Of course I'm Elvis.
14
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:01,840
I've got Elvis
written on my back.
15
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,119
I don't believe this.
16
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,120
A bit of a coincidence,
all right, there.
17
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:07,000
Great minds think
alike, I suppose.
18
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,680
I've been saying
for the last two weeks
19
00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:10,439
that I was going as Elvis.
20
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,159
That's probably
where I got the idea.
21
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:14,480
This is great.
22
00:01:14,599 --> 00:01:16,280
This really is-- the
first all priest's stars
23
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:17,719
in the rise
lookalike competition
24
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,239
I thought I had a
chance of winning.
25
00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:20,760
I've even cleared a
space for the trophy
26
00:01:20,879 --> 00:01:22,239
besides the one we
got for coming third
27
00:01:22,359 --> 00:01:23,719
in the noodle championships.
28
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:24,799
You might still win, Ted.
29
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:26,000
You never know.
30
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,159
And what if
you're on before me?
31
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:28,519
I look an idiot.
32
00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:30,959
Everyone will think I
copied the idea off you.
33
00:01:31,079 --> 00:01:32,680
Well Ted, to be fair now--
34
00:01:32,799 --> 00:01:35,879
it is a bit weird you happened
to think of it, as well.
35
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:36,760
Right.
36
00:01:36,879 --> 00:01:38,079
Right.
37
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,159
I'll just have to go
as Mother Teresa again.
38
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,879
Who are you supposed to be?
39
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,400
Elvis.
40
00:01:47,519 --> 00:01:49,040
I'm Elvis.
41
00:01:49,159 --> 00:01:50,920
I'm Elvis.
42
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:52,040
TED: I know you're
Elvis, Father.
43
00:01:52,159 --> 00:01:53,079
We're all Elvis.
44
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:54,439
That's the problem.
45
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,799
MRS. DOYLE: Tea, Fathers.
46
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,719
Feck off.
47
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,719
Nothing nicer than a cup
of tea in the afternoon.
48
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:03,599
You look a bit
different, Father.
49
00:02:03,719 --> 00:02:05,959
Have you had a hair
cut, or something?
50
00:02:06,079 --> 00:02:08,120
No, I'm Elvis Presley.
51
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:10,080
Are you, Father?
52
00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:11,960
That's a turn up for
the books, anyway.
53
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,639
It's for the all priest's
look alike show, tomorrow.
54
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,319
Oh, now I see.
55
00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:18,560
Well, I must say I'm
looking forward to that.
56
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,039
Is Father Keirnan coming?
57
00:02:20,159 --> 00:02:20,960
He won't be, no.
58
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,400
He's a great laugh.
59
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,919
I remember him, last year,
telling all his stories.
60
00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:26,919
He had me in stitches.
61
00:02:27,039 --> 00:02:29,800
You know, it is true what they
say about chubby men, isn't it?
62
00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:31,840
They are jollier
than the rest of us.
63
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,520
They have a way of
looking at things.
64
00:02:33,639 --> 00:02:34,759
He shot himself.
65
00:02:34,879 --> 00:02:36,240
Did he?
66
00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,639
Yeah, that's terrible.
67
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,599
Still, I suppose that's often
the way with fat men, isn't it?
68
00:02:41,719 --> 00:02:43,919
They laugh to hide the tears.
69
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:46,360
But, that's life-- happy
one minute, and the next
70
00:02:46,479 --> 00:02:48,159
I suppose you just go
and shoot yourself.
71
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,080
And that's that.
72
00:02:49,199 --> 00:02:50,599
Anyway, tea.
73
00:02:50,719 --> 00:02:52,560
[phone ringing]
74
00:02:57,039 --> 00:02:58,120
Hello?
75
00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,000
Ted, how are you?
76
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,000
Dick Bern, here.
77
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,000
Hello, Dick.
78
00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,439
How are things on Rugged Island?
79
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:03,479
Not so bad.
80
00:03:03,599 --> 00:03:04,400
You all set for tomorrow?
81
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,360
The competition.
82
00:03:05,479 --> 00:03:06,840
What have you got planned?
83
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,039
I shouldn't say.
84
00:03:08,159 --> 00:03:09,319
That would be giving
you an advantage.
85
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,280
Mother Teresa.
86
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,960
No.
87
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,280
I do think you might be with
a chance of winning this year.
88
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,800
Oh well, do you really, Dick?
89
00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:19,039
No.
90
00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:20,759
Who was that, D?
91
00:03:20,879 --> 00:03:22,719
Look Dougal, I'm
asking you one more time.
92
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:23,599
Don't go as Elvis.
93
00:03:23,719 --> 00:03:25,039
Huh?
94
00:03:25,159 --> 00:03:26,479
Look, I've been looking
forward to this for ages.
95
00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:28,039
I know all the moves
and everything.
96
00:03:28,159 --> 00:03:29,360
I remember who who's
judging this year.
97
00:03:29,479 --> 00:03:30,840
Who's that?
98
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:31,919
Henry Sellers.
99
00:03:32,039 --> 00:03:33,439
No, he's coming here?
100
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:34,360
Wow.
101
00:03:34,479 --> 00:03:36,319
I told you this, Dougal.
102
00:03:36,439 --> 00:03:38,280
Father Dunn is
bringing him over.
103
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,840
I've never met a
celebrity before.
104
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:40,800
You met the Pope.
105
00:03:40,919 --> 00:03:43,319
Did I?
106
00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:45,000
Don't you remember
when we were in Rome?
107
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,479
That was the Pope?
108
00:03:46,599 --> 00:03:48,240
That fellow, living
in the art gallery?
109
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,120
The Vatican, Dougal.
110
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:50,560
That's the Vatican.
111
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,159
All the same, I
wouldn't say he's
112
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,599
a celebrity like in the true
sense of the word, you know?
113
00:03:54,719 --> 00:03:56,439
The pope is God's
representative
114
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,400
on Earth, Dougal.
115
00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,759
You'd think he'd be taller.
116
00:03:59,879 --> 00:04:01,039
What, like a giant?
117
00:04:01,159 --> 00:04:03,759
Still though, Henry
Sellers coming here.
118
00:04:03,879 --> 00:04:07,240
[laughter] Henry
Sellers, Henry Seller!
119
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:09,120
Dougal, Dougal calm down.
120
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,919
We have to concentrate
on the Elvis problem.
121
00:04:11,039 --> 00:04:13,199
Look, we toss for it.
122
00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:15,039
Whoever wins can go as Elvis.
123
00:04:15,159 --> 00:04:16,399
OK, all right.
124
00:04:16,519 --> 00:04:19,480
Right, heads or tails?
125
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,319
Heads or tails, Dougal.
126
00:04:21,439 --> 00:04:23,199
Heads, no tails.
127
00:04:23,319 --> 00:04:24,800
Heads, tails, heads.
128
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,000
Dougal, you have
to give me chance.
129
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,079
Give me a choice
between the two.
130
00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:29,079
Sorry about that, Ted.
131
00:04:29,199 --> 00:04:30,959
I just got a bit excited, there.
132
00:04:31,079 --> 00:04:32,160
We go again.
133
00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:33,120
Heads or tails?
134
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,120
Heads.
135
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,000
Are you sure?
136
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:36,040
Absolutely posit-- tails.
137
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:36,920
Heads, tails.
138
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:38,199
Heads.
- Dougal!
139
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:39,120
Heads.
140
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,079
Dougal, calm down.
141
00:04:40,199 --> 00:04:41,399
Tails, heads, tails, heads.
142
00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:42,519
Dougal!
143
00:04:42,639 --> 00:04:43,959
Dougal, are you all right?
- I am.
144
00:04:44,079 --> 00:04:45,279
I am, I'm fine, Ted.
145
00:04:45,399 --> 00:04:46,399
I'm just not the best
at making decisions.
146
00:04:46,519 --> 00:04:47,279
Look--
147
00:04:47,399 --> 00:04:49,920
Or, am I?
148
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,519
I'll Tell you what we do.
149
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:53,279
You toss the coin.
150
00:04:53,399 --> 00:04:54,600
I take heads.
151
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:55,480
Heads, it is.
152
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:58,240
Go ahead, toss it there.
153
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,120
Forget it.
154
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,920
Forget it.
Forget it!
155
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:06,399
Yes.
156
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,000
Ted, Henry's on.
157
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,319
Ted.
158
00:05:19,439 --> 00:05:23,439
Back to you, Monica for
a five point question.
159
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:30,839
That capital of England, is it
New York, London, or Munich?
160
00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:36,079
I'll give you a clue.
161
00:05:36,199 --> 00:05:36,959
You live there.
162
00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:41,160
[ringing bell]
163
00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:44,759
Oh, Jane do you know?
164
00:05:44,879 --> 00:05:46,639
I leaned on the button.
165
00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:52,040
He's great isn't he, Ted--
166
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:53,040
Henry.
167
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,680
And he'll be here, any second.
168
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,560
Are you excited, Ted?
169
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,040
Henry Sellers-- look at him
there, asking the questions.
170
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,560
Stitch in time saves how many?
171
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,000
[ringing bell]
172
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:06,879
Sorry.
173
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,360
London?
174
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:18,560
Any idea why he
left the BBC, Ted?
175
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,319
Ah, look Ted, why
don't you be Elvis?
176
00:06:21,439 --> 00:06:25,040
Since you thought of it first,
I suppose it's only fair.
177
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:28,800
I'll go as Mother Teresa,
178
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,879
I'm sorry Dougal.
179
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:31,959
I'm being very selfish.
180
00:06:32,079 --> 00:06:32,920
I'm sorry.
181
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,639
You go as Elvis.
- No, Ted.
182
00:06:34,759 --> 00:06:35,639
It's not fair on you.
183
00:06:35,759 --> 00:06:37,120
You had your heart set on it.
184
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:38,000
No, seriously.
185
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,120
You go as Elvis.
186
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,000
Really?
187
00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,759
Great, thanks Ted.
188
00:06:42,879 --> 00:06:45,199
Unless you'd prefer
to go as Mother Teresa.
189
00:06:45,319 --> 00:06:46,480
Ah no, not really.
190
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:48,600
Anyway, there's only
one Mother Theresa.
191
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,480
And that's you, Ted.
192
00:06:54,519 --> 00:06:55,639
Thanks, Dougal.
193
00:06:55,759 --> 00:06:56,959
Oh well, at least
I'll have the honor
194
00:06:57,079 --> 00:06:58,680
of taking care of Mr. Sellers.
195
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,279
It's important that we
be extremely nice to him.
196
00:07:00,399 --> 00:07:02,480
That'll improve our
chances of winning, 100%.
197
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,959
We'll have to fill him
up with food and drink
198
00:07:04,079 --> 00:07:06,160
until it's coming
out of his ears.
199
00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:08,920
And you'll be nice to Mr.
Sellers, won't you Father?
200
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,319
[groans]
201
00:07:10,439 --> 00:07:11,800
Father, are you all right?
202
00:07:15,199 --> 00:07:18,720
Oh no, not Toilet Duck, again.
203
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,519
You know what that does to you.
204
00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:30,079
You'll be seeing pink
elephants, again.
205
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:31,519
How many fingers am
I holding up to you?
206
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:36,639
Three.
207
00:07:36,759 --> 00:07:38,560
Hmm, maybe you're
not too bad-- probably
208
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,279
getting immune to it by now.
[door bell ringing]
209
00:07:40,399 --> 00:07:41,279
That'll be him.
210
00:07:41,399 --> 00:07:42,759
That's Henry, oh God.
211
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,000
He's here.
212
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:46,800
Hello, there--
213
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,800
Henry Sellers.
214
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,240
Father Ted Crilly.
215
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,959
It's a great honor to have
you here, Mr. Sellers.
216
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:54,680
Oh, and it's lovely
to be here, too.
217
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,560
Hello Father um?
218
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,879
Sorry, this is
Father Dougal McGuire.
219
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,000
Dougal, say something
to Mr. Sellers.
220
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,560
How old are you?
221
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,720
Dougal, don't be asking
Mr. Sellers how old he is.
222
00:08:08,839 --> 00:08:10,360
Ah, that's quite all right.
223
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,480
I'm 37, Father.
224
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,199
And this is
Father Jack Hackett.
225
00:08:15,319 --> 00:08:16,920
Hello, Father.
226
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,240
Hello, Father.
227
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:25,480
[screaming]
228
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:26,720
Bye, Father.
229
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:27,720
He's just gone for his walk.
230
00:08:27,839 --> 00:08:28,639
Oh.
231
00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:30,160
[laughter]
232
00:08:30,279 --> 00:08:32,519
Now, is there anything we
can get you, Mr. Sellers?
233
00:08:32,639 --> 00:08:33,480
Call me Henry.
234
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,759
Well, um if you had--
235
00:08:34,879 --> 00:08:36,000
[jack screaming]
236
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,440
--something to eat,
maybe a sandwich?
237
00:08:39,559 --> 00:08:40,639
Mrs. Doyle, some sandwiches.
238
00:08:40,759 --> 00:08:41,559
MRS. DOYLE: Right, Father.
239
00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:47,360
Is there something
wrong with your head?
240
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,279
Dougal!
241
00:08:48,399 --> 00:08:49,679
What?
242
00:08:49,799 --> 00:08:51,799
No, it's just his
hair looks a bit--
243
00:08:51,919 --> 00:08:53,559
Dougal.
244
00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:54,840
I didn't say anything.
245
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,039
It's just, Henry's
hair looks a bit mad.
246
00:08:56,159 --> 00:08:59,639
Is Father-- is
Father done with you?
247
00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:03,399
Oh yes, he's just bringing
in the-- oh, there he is.
248
00:09:03,519 --> 00:09:05,159
Ted.
249
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:06,919
Barty, good to see you.
250
00:09:07,039 --> 00:09:07,799
Sit down, there.
251
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,440
It's good to be on
Craggy Island, again.
252
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,840
God, I haven't seen you in ages.
253
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,600
I remember the last
time I was here.
254
00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:26,039
We had that funny
incident, remember?
255
00:09:26,159 --> 00:09:27,759
[laughter]
256
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,480
I suppose-- I suppose you've
forgotten all about it.
257
00:09:37,759 --> 00:09:41,399
Twas the type of
thing, you know.
258
00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:43,360
What-- what-- what
is this, what is this?
259
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:45,879
The last time Father Dunn
was with us, Father Jack
260
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:46,759
lost his slippers.
261
00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:48,600
[laughter]
262
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,200
Twas-- twas a big like--
263
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:58,000
[laughter] he had us
looking everywhere for them.
264
00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:04,000
Twas a bit like the type
of thing, you know--
265
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,559
[laughter]
266
00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:07,679
We found them, after a while.
267
00:10:07,799 --> 00:10:08,919
It was a bit like--
268
00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:13,120
[laughter] oh, Lord.
269
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,159
How long was the car journey?
270
00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:15,759
Four hours.
271
00:10:15,879 --> 00:10:18,080
[music playing]
272
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,440
--but with the thing, there.
273
00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:21,919
[laughter] I
suppose it must be--
274
00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:24,600
So, what's it like,
being a television star?
275
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,120
Ah, well you know--
276
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:27,960
Oh, it must be--
277
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,039
[laughter] it must--
278
00:10:31,159 --> 00:10:35,279
it must be-- [laughter]
279
00:10:35,399 --> 00:10:37,879
I must say Henry, we're just
so delighted to have you, here.
280
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,120
Is there anything
else we can get you?
281
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,759
No, no, I'm fine.
282
00:10:41,879 --> 00:10:43,000
Some more sandwiches?
283
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,639
No, Oh!
284
00:10:44,759 --> 00:10:46,039
You've brought some more in.
285
00:10:46,159 --> 00:10:47,240
No, no, no, no.
286
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,039
I'm fine, absolutely
fine, thank you.
287
00:10:50,159 --> 00:10:51,559
Everything OK with your hair?
288
00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:55,240
Dougal, will you stop
talking about Henry's hair?
289
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,440
I'm sorry Henry, it's just your
hair is so natural looking.
290
00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:00,840
Dougal can't stop
talking about it.
291
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,000
It really is a
beautiful head of hair.
292
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,879
Anyway, what I was saying was,
anything you want at all, just
293
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,759
ask for us.
294
00:11:07,879 --> 00:11:08,759
We can get it for you.
295
00:11:08,879 --> 00:11:10,120
There's no problem, there.
296
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,279
And I mean, anything--
anything that you want,
297
00:11:12,399 --> 00:11:14,279
anything that you want that
would be at all possible for us
298
00:11:14,399 --> 00:11:17,600
to get you, just ask for it.
299
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:20,480
And I mean, anything.
300
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,759
There's no problem there, Todd.
301
00:11:21,879 --> 00:11:23,240
Anything.
302
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,840
Well actually, I have
been having a bit of trouble
303
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:25,799
getting the English papers.
304
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:26,840
I wonder, would it be possible--
305
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,240
Except the English papers--
306
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:30,679
anything you want,
anything else,
307
00:11:30,799 --> 00:11:32,600
just ask-- except obviously,
the English papers.
308
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:34,960
Well, you wouldn't have the
number of a Father Dick Burn,
309
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,519
at all?
310
00:11:36,639 --> 00:11:38,759
You'd be making a mistake,
if you went to visit them.
311
00:11:38,879 --> 00:11:39,759
Oh well, why is that father?
312
00:11:42,879 --> 00:11:45,240
They're lepers.
313
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,600
They're what?
314
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:47,600
They're lepers.
315
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:48,679
The three of them are lepers.
316
00:11:48,799 --> 00:11:51,960
Rugged Island is a leper colony.
317
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,919
A leper colony,
you're not serious?
318
00:11:56,039 --> 00:11:57,120
Well no, it's not leprosy.
319
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,919
But there's something
wrong, there.
320
00:11:59,039 --> 00:12:00,600
Did you ever think,
how strange it was.
321
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,120
Three priests living alone
on an island like that?
322
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,559
I suppose--
323
00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:06,600
Oh no, there's something
not quite right, there.
324
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,559
You'd be better off
staying with us.
325
00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,600
Ted, could you tell
me where the old--
326
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,159
[laughter] you know, the old--
327
00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:15,320
The old ha-ha
is up the stairs.
328
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,279
And it's first on the left.
329
00:12:17,399 --> 00:12:19,559
Oh, thanks very much.
330
00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:20,440
It's a wig.
331
00:12:25,039 --> 00:12:27,399
Time for a little night cap.
332
00:12:27,519 --> 00:12:30,120
Oh, and you're running
out of sandwiches.
333
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,440
I'll bring in some more.
334
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,480
I-- I won't have a sherry.
335
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,360
Thank you.
336
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:35,639
Don't be silly.
337
00:12:35,759 --> 00:12:37,120
Now, of course you will.
- No, no really--
338
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,120
I shouldn't.
339
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,799
Go on, it'll help you sleep.
340
00:12:39,919 --> 00:12:40,960
No, no, no.
It's not a good idea.
341
00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,279
You go ahead.
342
00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:45,320
Just a little drop,
just a teeny, tiny bit.
343
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,000
The day a little bit
of sherry hurts anyone
344
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,080
is the day Ireland doesn't win
the Eurovision Song Contest.
345
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,799
[laughter]
346
00:12:51,919 --> 00:12:53,080
Go on.
347
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,000
No, no, no.
348
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:55,000
Really, I shouldn't.
349
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,879
Go on, go on, go on.
350
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Go on.
351
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,600
Go on, it's fine.
352
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:06,559
Go on, go on, go on, go on,
go on, go on, go on, go on.
353
00:13:06,679 --> 00:13:07,559
No, seriously.
354
00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:09,240
I can't--
355
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:13,960
Go on, go on, go on, go on, go
on, go on, go on, go on, go on.
356
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:14,919
Go on!
357
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,240
[music playing]
358
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,120
What a share of bastards!
359
00:13:30,039 --> 00:13:31,279
Oh lord, Ted.
360
00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:32,799
Why did you give him a drink?
361
00:13:32,919 --> 00:13:34,399
I didn't know
this would happen.
362
00:13:34,519 --> 00:13:36,840
I bet you that's why they
sacked him from that program.
363
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,840
He's a terrible alcoholic.
364
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,879
He's been on the
wagon now, for a year.
365
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,240
Oh my God, Ted.
366
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,840
How was I supposed to know?
367
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,080
Sack me?
368
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,240
Sack me?
369
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,919
I made the BBC.
370
00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:56,919
[crying] I made it.
371
00:13:57,039 --> 00:13:59,080
Henry maybe if you have
a rest, you'll feel better?
372
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,600
Get away from me, priest!
373
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:05,279
The thing is, I understand
we should all head off to bed.
374
00:14:05,399 --> 00:14:07,279
That thing was never
ending on, anyway.
375
00:14:07,399 --> 00:14:08,320
I'll give it a kick, myself.
376
00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:09,240
You want to fight?
377
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,200
Huh, huh?
378
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,679
No, not a scrap.
379
00:14:12,799 --> 00:14:18,240
Bloody priests, bloody
sanctimonious scumbags.
380
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,240
Absolutely.
381
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,840
Made my life a bloody misery!
382
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,279
Well, sorry about that, Henry.
383
00:14:23,399 --> 00:14:25,840
But are you sure you
wouldn't like to go to bed?
384
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,720
Well, maybe we can stay
up a bit longer, perhaps.
385
00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,240
I'm fed up with you bastards!
386
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,799
I'm getting of here, and
don't you try and stop me.
387
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,840
It's true what they
say though, isn't it?
388
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,240
You should never
meet your heroes.
389
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:44,159
You'll only be disappointed.
390
00:14:44,279 --> 00:14:48,200
[music playing]
391
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:51,720
God Ted, imagine if we
weren't able to get him back?
392
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,559
He'd be like
Bigfoot, except he'd
393
00:14:53,679 --> 00:14:56,399
be a BBC television presenter.
394
00:14:56,519 --> 00:15:01,120
Do you see him,
there by the trees.
395
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:04,039
TED: Got him.
396
00:15:04,159 --> 00:15:07,799
There he is.
397
00:15:07,919 --> 00:15:09,120
Terribly sorry about
all this, Sergeant.
398
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,600
Ah, no problem Father.
399
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:12,000
I've been through it before--
400
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,840
rock stars, actors,
television personalities.
401
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,080
They go off the
drink and the drugs,
402
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,639
and they come over
to places like this.
403
00:15:17,759 --> 00:15:20,080
The solitude can get to them.
404
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:21,840
What happened to this fellow?
405
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,000
TED: He was fine, one minute.
406
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,399
And then, he took
a sip of sherry.
407
00:15:25,519 --> 00:15:26,759
Relapse.
408
00:15:26,879 --> 00:15:27,879
That's when they're at
their most dangerous.
409
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,039
Right, you ready?
410
00:15:29,159 --> 00:15:31,279
I want you to bang
these together.
411
00:15:31,399 --> 00:15:32,399
Shout a bit.
412
00:15:32,519 --> 00:15:33,519
That'll scare him
out of the woods
413
00:15:33,639 --> 00:15:34,879
so I can get a
clear shot of him.
414
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,159
You're going to shoot him?
415
00:15:37,279 --> 00:15:38,399
Tranquilizer dart, Father.
416
00:15:38,519 --> 00:15:40,200
It'll just put him
to sleep for a bit.
417
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:41,519
Still, it seems a bit extreme.
418
00:15:41,639 --> 00:15:42,639
It's the best, really, Father.
419
00:15:42,759 --> 00:15:43,519
Believe me.
420
00:15:43,639 --> 00:15:46,960
You know best.
421
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,240
POLICE OFFICER: God, this
reminds me of Vietnam.
422
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:52,240
- You were in Vietnam, Sergent?
- No, no.
423
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,679
I mean, you know, the films.
424
00:15:53,799 --> 00:15:55,399
All right, let's go.
425
00:15:55,519 --> 00:15:56,879
[music playing]
426
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,320
Come on, Henry.
427
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:01,879
There.
428
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:02,799
Now.
429
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,120
It's Jack!
430
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,440
I've got a clear
shot of him, Father.
431
00:16:11,559 --> 00:16:14,240
Do you want me to get him?
432
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,519
No, let him go.
433
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:17,759
He'll make his own way, back.
434
00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:19,679
Look at him go.
435
00:16:19,799 --> 00:16:22,080
[music playing]
436
00:16:23,639 --> 00:16:25,440
Beautiful.
437
00:16:25,559 --> 00:16:29,480
Oh my god, my head.
438
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,960
There you are Henry,
a nice cup of tea.
439
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:31,919
What?
440
00:16:32,039 --> 00:16:34,720
Oh-- Oh my god, where am I?
441
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,600
What happened last night?
442
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,080
I remember having
a sip of sherry.
443
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,720
Nothing to worry about.
444
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,159
I hope I didn't do anything
to embarrass you, Father.
445
00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:44,600
[laughter]
446
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,559
Dougal.
447
00:16:46,679 --> 00:16:47,799
You were fine, Henry.
448
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,559
[phone ringing]
449
00:16:49,679 --> 00:16:51,080
I expect that'll be
Father Dick Burn.
450
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,039
You know, I kind of feel
sorry for him, though.
451
00:16:53,159 --> 00:16:54,639
Marooned on that island
with those idiots.
452
00:16:54,759 --> 00:16:56,759
And they have absolutely
nothing in common.
453
00:16:56,879 --> 00:16:58,320
--absolutely
nothing in common.
454
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,159
Hello?
- Hello, Dick.
455
00:17:00,279 --> 00:17:01,679
Ted, we were just
talking about you.
456
00:17:01,799 --> 00:17:03,080
Really?
457
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,359
Yeah, we were just
saying how great you were.
458
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,759
- Really?
- No.
459
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,359
Hilarious, Dick.
460
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:09,720
I was just calling
to make sure you're
461
00:17:09,839 --> 00:17:11,000
going to turn up, tonight.
462
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,279
Why wouldn't I
turn up, tonight?
463
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,680
Ah well, you know.
464
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,359
It might be a little
embarrassing to come last,
465
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,400
again.
466
00:17:16,519 --> 00:17:17,640
We won't be coming last.
467
00:17:17,759 --> 00:17:20,480
It will be you who
will be coming last.
468
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:23,160
In fact, I though we might
have a little bit on, tonight.
469
00:17:23,279 --> 00:17:25,160
Put your money where
your mouth is, Ted.
470
00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:30,000
What are we talking about
here, a pound, two pounds?
471
00:17:30,119 --> 00:17:32,960
Five pounds.
472
00:17:33,079 --> 00:17:34,640
Five pounds?
473
00:17:34,759 --> 00:17:36,079
What's the matter, Dick?
You scared?
474
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,000
Of course, I'm not scared.
475
00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:38,440
Five pounds, it is.
476
00:17:38,559 --> 00:17:41,079
See you, tonight.
477
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,960
Well, I'd better go and get
myself cleaned up for tonight--
478
00:17:44,079 --> 00:17:45,359
you know, brush me teeth.
479
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,359
It's strange, I
have a very strange
480
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,319
taste of raw meat in my mouth.
481
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,279
I don't know why that is.
482
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,319
Right you are, Henry.
483
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,400
Five pounds, I must be insane.
484
00:17:56,519 --> 00:17:58,599
We haven't a hope in hell.
485
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,319
Why can't we all go as Elvis?
486
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,519
Because we all look
the same, Dougal.
487
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:03,759
Anyway, Jack will
be in any moment,
488
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:04,880
looking for his afternoon drink.
489
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,079
[breaking glass, screaming]
490
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,960
There he goes, bang on time.
491
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,960
Ted, he looks very rough.
492
00:18:15,079 --> 00:18:16,319
We'll have to get him
sobered up, if he's
493
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,559
going to do this contest.
494
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,240
No, Dougal wait.
495
00:18:19,359 --> 00:18:20,119
Leave him.
496
00:18:23,039 --> 00:18:23,880
I have an idea.
497
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:32,039
[bad guitar playing]
498
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,519
(SINGING) See [inaudible]
499
00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:46,240
[applause]
500
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,039
Father Harry Kyle, there.
501
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,720
You know, he looks a bit like--
502
00:18:55,839 --> 00:19:01,920
[laughter] He won't, he won't
mind me telling you this, now.
503
00:19:02,039 --> 00:19:03,039
No, no, no.
504
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,400
Anyway Henry, marks
for Father Kyle?
505
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:06,720
Very good.
506
00:19:06,839 --> 00:19:09,359
I'll give him 7 out of 10.
507
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,640
Bastard.
508
00:19:10,759 --> 00:19:13,119
Not bad, at all.
509
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,119
Ziggy playing guitar.
510
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,960
You know, that means that
the lads from Rugged Island
511
00:19:19,079 --> 00:19:21,880
are still in the lead,
with 9 out of 10.
512
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,440
So a big hand for Diana Ross,
and two of the Supremes.
513
00:19:25,559 --> 00:19:29,640
[applause]
514
00:19:29,759 --> 00:19:31,759
Don't start celebrating, yet.
515
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,880
Remember, we've still
got one more act to go.
516
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,519
Oh, yes.
517
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,000
So ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome out onto the stage--
518
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:40,240
[laughter] the lads--
519
00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:45,960
[laughter] Father Ted
Crilly with Father
520
00:19:46,079 --> 00:19:48,200
McGuire and Father Hawkins.
521
00:19:48,319 --> 00:19:51,960
[applause]
522
00:19:52,079 --> 00:19:54,759
TED (ON MICROPHONE): Elvis
Presley was a simple truck
523
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,279
driver from America.
524
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,559
But one day in the 1950s,
he invented rock and roll.
525
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,519
[music playing]
526
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,039
(ELVIS IMPRESSION) Thank you,
very much ladies and gentlemen.
527
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,759
TED (ON MICROPHONE):
Elvis became famous.
528
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:37,559
Then, they forced
him into the army.
529
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,799
Then, he came out and
10 years later, he came
530
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,359
back with a comeback special.
531
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,839
[music playing]
532
00:21:03,759 --> 00:21:05,279
Elvis was back.
533
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,000
From then until the end of his
life, he played in Las Vegas
534
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:10,720
and became, once again,
the king of rock and roll.
535
00:21:10,839 --> 00:21:12,960
[angelic music playing]
536
00:21:24,519 --> 00:21:28,880
Ladies and gentlemen, that
was the three ages of Elvis.
537
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:30,359
Thank you.
538
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,359
[applause]
539
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,359
Fantastic!
540
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,319
Lord, God almighty!
541
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:40,960
Three Elvises.
542
00:21:41,079 --> 00:21:45,960
This [laughter] Well Henry,
over to you for the final marks.
543
00:21:46,079 --> 00:21:47,920
[drum roll]
544
00:21:49,519 --> 00:21:51,839
[applause]
545
00:22:03,039 --> 00:22:03,799
BARTY: Brilliant, Ted.
546
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,440
It was fantastic.
547
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:07,319
Thanks very much, Barty.
548
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,079
Five pounds, Ted.
549
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,279
Hard luck, Dick.
550
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,920
Did we not win, D?
551
00:22:15,039 --> 00:22:16,319
No, you didn't win, Cyril.
552
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,319
This year, this trophy
goes to Craggy Island.
553
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,839
Never mind.
554
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:21,960
I think you have every
chance of winning, next year.
555
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:23,960
Do you really, Ted?
556
00:22:24,079 --> 00:22:25,359
No.
557
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,680
Come on, Cyril, let's go home.
558
00:22:27,799 --> 00:22:29,440
I'm out of fecking whiskey.
559
00:22:29,559 --> 00:22:33,640
Plenty of whiskey
at home, Father.
560
00:22:33,759 --> 00:22:37,119
That Cyril McDuff's an
awful idiot, isn't he, Ted?
561
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:38,799
Here we are now.
562
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,480
Ah well, since I didn't make
a fool of myself the last time,
563
00:22:41,599 --> 00:22:43,440
I might as well have
a glass of champagne.
564
00:22:43,559 --> 00:22:44,319
Cheers.
565
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,240
Henry, no.
566
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:47,759
Don't worry Father.
567
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,799
Sure, If I can't celebrate
tonight, sure, when can I?
568
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,279
The bastards, what
the hell is going on?
569
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:55,799
How dare they do this to me?
570
00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,759
How dare they sack me?
571
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,240
I'm Henry Sellers.
572
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:00,720
I'm Henry Sellers!
573
00:23:04,799 --> 00:23:06,519
Well, there he goes, again.
574
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,200
- Right there, Ted.
- Never mind.
575
00:23:08,319 --> 00:23:09,400
We can look for
him in the morning.
576
00:23:09,519 --> 00:23:11,359
Anyway, well done, again Dougal.
577
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,400
What do you think of the trophy?
- It's great.
578
00:23:13,519 --> 00:23:15,079
It's all because of you, Ted.
579
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:16,160
Put it there, Dougal.
580
00:23:16,279 --> 00:23:17,960
[music playing]
581
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,319
[filmrise music]
39024
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