All language subtitles for Christmas Carole (2022) 1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-English

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# It's Beginning
To Look A Lot Like Christmas. #

GIRL: # It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas

# Toys in every store

# But the prettiest sight to see

# Is the holly that will be

# On your own front door

# A pair of hop-along boots
and a pistol that shoots

# Is the wish of Barney and Ben

# Dolls that'll talk
and will go for a walk

# Is the hope of Janice and Jen

# And Mom and Dad can hardly wait
for school to start again

# It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas

# Everywhere you go

# There's a tree in the Grand Hotel

# One in the park as well

# The sturdy kind
that doesn't mind the snow #

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

# It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas

# Soon the bells will start

# And the thing that'll make 'em ring

# Is the carol that you sing #

(GASPS)
Oh, is this for me?

Oh!

Merry Christmas.

What a...

..load of old crap.

If I had wanted sickly sweet,
sentimental garbage.

I'd have got John Lewis to make it.
(PHONE CHIMES)

But we thought, because Christmas
is about kindness and warmth

and community spirit-
Cobblers.

Christmas isn't about spirit.

Christmas is about shopping
and stress and over-consumption.

It's about traffic jams
and family arguments.

It's about boring office parties
and hangovers.

And most importantly for us,

it's about spending money
that you don't have

on useless presents you find online
at 03:00 in the morning,

for that cousin you secretly hate.

That's what Christmas
is really about,

and that's what
we're going to cash in on.

So you want something
more exploitative and commercial?

Exactly.

But with a joke at the end
because, you know,

'tis the season to be jolly.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

But, Ms Mackay, I really think...
Call me Carole.

Carole, I really think
what the consumers-

I don't care what you think.

I'm Christmas Carole.

My company
is called Christmas Carole,

and that's why
at Christmas Carole,

we sell single-use
Christmas products.

Wrapping paper, decorations,
novelty gifts.

Let's not call it that.
Let's call it Seasonal Homeware.

Cheap tat.

You see these? We make these for 20p,
and we sell them £6.99.

And everyone
will get through at least three

because they are utter rubbish.

Now, what do you think
will happen to our profit margins

people start making this rubbish
for themselves?

(PHONE RINGING)

Merry Christmas to you, too.

Come on, Bobbie.

I didn't think the ad was that bad.

Oh, I liked the old man,
he was lonely and sweet.

Didn't you feel sorry for him?
No, he looked like a loser.

Oh, no cash.
Have you got a card reader?

No? Shame.There you go.
(CAROLLERS SING AWAY IN A MANGER)

That's probably why he's on his own.
His wife left him.

She'd had enough of the endless cycle
of misery and poverty

and got the hell out of there.
Hopefully she took the kids with her.

Can you believe it's snowing?!
I know.

Maybe we should think about
the whole reusing-recycling angle.

I don't know if you had a chance
to look at my presentation

but I got another copy here.
If you wanted to have a look.

Bobbie, stop being such a misery,
it's Christmas.

Look, I care about the planet.
I do. I watch David Attenborough,

and I met Greta Doodah.

This just doesn't fit with
the Christmas Carole business model.

And changing the Christmas Carole
business model

is a huge undertaking.

It's hardly something I'm gonna do
on the day I'm selling the company.

You're selling the company?

Limpopo are buying me out.

Limpopo?! The massive
American online retailer?

No, the river in Africa.

The deal goes through
at midnight tonight.

Wow.I'm giving myself
a £100 million for Christmas.

100 million!

Wow!
I know.

Carole, Carole, can you at least-
Bobbie. Not now.

Look, Carole,
what about the rest of the staff?

Who cares?

Oh, Bobbie, not you, obviously.

I need you
to do all the boring stuff.

Now there's
a live-stream event tonight

at the Limpopo Building,
to announce the deal.

Starts at 8:00, be there at 7:30.

Don't be late.

What? Wait. No, Carole, I can't...

What about...
(SIGHS)

It's Christmas Eve!

# LADY A: Holly Jolly Christmas.
Have a holly, jolly Christmas

# It's the best time of the year

# Now I don't know
if there'll be snow

# But have a cup of cheer

# Have a holly, jolly Christmas

# And in case you didn't hear

# Oh, by golly, have a holly, jolly
Christmas

# This year

# Santa Claus is coming to town #

Oh, no.

Hey, sis.

Gonna invite us in?

(LIFT DINGS)

It's Christmas Eve.
We thought we'd come down to London

you know, see the lights and...

Boys, remember what I said earlier.
Woah, this place looks amazing.

Don't touch anything.
Guys.

Oh, this TV is amazing.
BOY: Woah!

Don't bounce that ball inside.
Imagine playing FIFA on this.

This place is awesome.
WOMAN: Be careful. Be careful.

There's a pool and gym downstairs.
It's got everything.

Sam! That fruit's for adults.

No decorations?
I don't do decorations.

Ah, you should try it.
We make our own.

I think if was going
to ruin the decor

with a load of gaudy tat, Rita,

I'd use my own brand.

I think ours look great.

Well, the kids make 'em.

Well, kids make my decorations, too.

Come on, throw it here.

Mind that ball, lad.

CAROLE: I said no football.

Well, that's a shame.

We got you a Christmas present,
Aunty Carole.

The boys made it.

It... It's recycled wool.

Who wants to watch my new TV?
"He just kinda went (BOOM)"

Oh, cool!

So, look, the real reason we came by

was to, erm, to ask if you wanted
to come to ours

for Christmas dinner tomorrow.
I'm busy.

I know Christmas is always
going to be difficult for us.

Not for me.

I've made a lot of money out of it.

But it's time to see your family.

Well, I've seen you now, and...

..our mother's dead, so...

And what about our father?
I don't have a father.

(SCOFFS)

You mean Leon?

It's been 20 years. I thought
it might be time to move on.

Well, you thought wrong.

Besides, I don't think I could face
Rita's plant-based roast turkey.

Plant-based food
will save the planet.

But it tastes like crap.

And nobody likes
your vegan mince pies either.

I like them.
He doesn't.

Anyway, I expect
you'll be wanting to get back.

That road will be getting busy.
The one that leads to...

..wherever it is you live.

Doesn't Christmas
mean anything to you?

Oh, Rita.

Christmas is a lie.

It's a lie made up by German royals,

and American corporations
and Charles bloody Dickens.

If people are stupid enough
to think that putting up a dead tree

and buying overpriced rubbish

made in Chinese sweatshops
by a bunch of eight-year olds

is enough to help them summon up
a few days of Christmas spirit,

then I will happily take their money.

Please, Carole, just come home.

It's important.

Come on, kids. Come on, We're going.

SAM: Oh, I was watching that.

Come on, let's go. Now.

What time's our train?
Why are you taking off now?

Does she's really
have this place to herself?

Oh, here.

Here's your present.

There's a message in there for you.

No, there isn't.

# CAROL OF THE BELLS.
Sweet silver bells, all seem to say

# Throw cares away,
Christmas is here

# Bringing good cheer,
to young and old

# Meek and the bold,
ding, dong, ding, dong

# That is their song,
with joyful ring

# All carolling, one seems to hear
words of good cheer

# From everywhere, filling the air

# O, how they pound,
raising the sound

# Over hill and dale,
telling their tale

# Gaily they ring, while people sing

# Songs of good cheer,
Christmas is here!

# Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas!

# Merry, merry,
merry, merry Christmas!

# On, on they send, on without end

# Their joyful tone, to every home

# Hark, how the bells,
sweet silver bells

# All seem to say, throw cares away

# Christmas is here,
bringing good cheer

# To young and old,
meek and the bold

# Ding, dong, ding, dong,
that is their song

# With joyful ring, all carolling

# One seems to hear
words of good cheer

# From everywhere, filling the air

# O, how they pound,
raising the sound

# Over hill and dale,
telling their tale

# Gaily they ring, while people sing

# Songs of good cheer,
Christmas is here!

# Merry, merry, merry,
merry Christmas! #

Call Bobbie.
(PHONE CHIMES) "Calling Bobbie."

# ...on without end

# Their joyful tone, to every home

# On, on they send, on without end

# Their joyful tone,
to every home. #

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.
Oh, Bobbie.

Oh.

Hiya. Are you on your way?

I need you to pick up
some more of my pills.

Hi, Carole.

Sort of. Well... Not exactly.

What does that mean?

Well, I know you wanted me

at the live-stream thing tonight, I-
Stop, stop.

(SIGHS)
I know what you're going to say.

You want to be with your kids?

(SIGHS)
I do, I do.

It's Christmas.

They want their mum at home.

I understand.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you, Carole.

And the answer's, "no."

Please, Carole.
You don't need me there.

Look, you'll be fine.
You can do this.

No, Bobbie, the kids will be fine.

Kids are tough.

You know I value loyalty
above everything else.

I can't, Carole.

I'm sorry, I...

I can't.

So am I.

You're fired.

What?
I said you're fired.

You can't be serious.
Oh, I am.

You're right. I don't need you.

I'm about to get 100 million quid.

I don't need anybody.

Why is the money
so important to you?

You've got millions.

Because life's a competition, Bobbie.

Whoever has the most money
at the end, wins.

There is nothing else.

Please, Carole. It's Christmas Eve.

Please, Carole,
I thought we were fr-

(GRUNTS)

(MUFFLED CHEERING)

Hello?

Anyone there?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Hello.

(GASPS)

Hiya!

Mum.

Hiya, sweetheart.

B... Are...

Are you...
Still dead?

Yeah, babe. Very much so.

Now, I've come back to tell you
something very important.

(PANTING)

You don't look dead.
Thank you.

If you remember, I did have
quite a bit of work done.

All guaranteed, non-biodegradable.

(CHUCKLES)
Ooh.

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Listen to me, sweetheart,
we don't have much time.

After tonight,
you will never see me again.

Ever.

This is the last chance I've got
to explain things.

To tell you
about the mistakes I made.

I don't understand.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
It is required of every man,

that the spirit within him

should walk abroad
among his fellow men.

What?

And if that spirit
goes not forth in life,

it is condemned to do so
after death.

Why are you talking like that?

(NORMAL VOICE)
I have no idea,

it just feels appropriate
for some reason.

I know what's going on.

You're last husband
was Philip Marley.

So you're Jackie Marley.
Marley as in the other Marley.

Bob?
No, Jacob.

"A Christmas Carol." The Book.

The stupid book that Ade gave me.

Jacob Marley tells Scrooge
to be a nicer person,

and to buy a turkey for Tiny Tim,
who's in a wheelchair or something.

Hmm, is that it?

Not exactly.

I'm hallucinating. I'm dehydrated.

Listen to me, you silly cow.

(GASPS)
This is your last chance to change.

To stop obsessing
about money all the time.

Coming from you?

OK. So I married a couple
of rich fellas after your father.

But that's what I want
to talk to you about.

It doesn't matter how you got it.

You had it.

And that's what counts.

What was it you used to say?

Whoever has the most at the end
is the winner.

Well, maybe I was wrong about that.

It's not all I was wrong about.

Where you going?
It's fine. I know the story,

I'll be visited by three ghosts.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
You don't understand.

I won't be visited by three ghosts?

Well, yes,
but there's more to it than that.

Christmas Past, Christmas Present,
Christmas Yet To Come.

(GASPS)
Stop doing that!

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Caroline Mackay,
you will do as you're told.

Tonight you will receive
three visitations.

Carole, wait!

You will listen to me.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) I'm your mother!

(GASPS)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

Bobbie, are you there?

Where the hell is my car?

And why aren't you picking up?

(SIGHS)

What am I supposed to do now, Bobbie?

I really need this cab.

Yes. So do I.

No, look. (SIGHS)
Oh, I get it,

you're in a wheelchair
and what have you, but...

..I've got a lot of mental stuff.

To do with the stress
of me selling my company,

and I've had a really bad
reaction to my pills.

So, you know, in a way,
I'm disabled, too.

Pre-booked. Sorry.

W- So what am I supposed to do?

Get the tube.

(SIGHS)
You've got to be joking.

(COUGHS)

(MAN SINGING)
# Silent night

# Holy night

# All is calm #

Read the room.

(CHEERING)

Merry Christmas!

(SOUND DISTORTS)
(LAUGHING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

(DISTORTED)
# Bring me laughter

# All the while

# In this world where we live...

(BECOMES INDISTINCT)

# ..to each brand new
bright tomorrow. #

Excuse me, young sir.
We're looking for the one

they call Christmas Carole.

That's me.
Told you, Ern.

He thought you were Des O'Connor.
Yeah.

You're actually Eric Morecambe?

Oh, yes.
And he's Ernie Wise.

Delighted to meet you,
Miss Christmas.

But you're both dead.
She's quick. I'll give her that.

What's happening to me?
She hasn't got it yet, has she?

No, I don't think he has.

We're the ghosts
of Christmas Past, sunbeam.

(GASPS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(DISTANT APPLAUSE)

Am I asleep?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the show.(APPLAUSE)

She's much nicer
than I thought she'd be.

Means nothing, Ern,
absolutely nothing.

I said the same thing
when I first met you.

Look how that turned out.
(CROWD LAUGHING)I'm only joking!

He's a smashing little fella.
Aren't you, eh?

He's a smashing little fella.

His wig moved then, did you see?
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

we shall be performing
a very special play.

What I myself wrote
with my very own pen.

He's a great writer, is Ern.

He does all his own postcards.
It's an adaptation

of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol,

entitled: A Christmas Carol.

I shall be playing
the part of Ebenezer Dickens,

the famous writer and skinflint...

You'll be good at that.
It's exciting, is this.

I'm excited. Are you excited?

Miss Christmas, you'll be playing
the part of Tiny Tim,

the little orphan boy
who asks for more.

But first, ladies and gentlemen,
we shall be performing for you-

Hold it, hold it hold it,
hold it, hold it, sunshine.

Hold it, sunshine.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Whom am I playing?

You're not in it.

Not in it?
No. There's no part for you.

Did you know about this?
Or maybe I'm dead.

I know how you feel. How could you
not write a part for me?

I'm your best friend.
I'm your only friend.Sorry.

I see. Well.
(AUDIENCE AWS)

I'll just go then, shall I?

(LAUGHS)
Eric, stop!

I'm only kidding.
Eh?

I'm only kidding,
of course there's a part for you.

You had me fooled there.
(BOTH LAUGH)

He's wearing his best one.
It arrived this morning.

All the way from Axminster.
On its own.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I used to watch you both on TV
every Christmas, without fail.

Even the repeats.

Until I didn't.

Oh, I see.

And we're here
to revisit those Christmases.

You said that without moving
your lips. Did you see?

Wait, what Christmases?
You're doing it now.

"The terrifying-
The frightening thing for me-

"In addition, fairly windy.

"You pick someone in the audience,
make a funny remark about them.

"Everybody laughs,
they're on your side."

That's me.

Behold. These are but shadows
of the things that have been.

They have no consciousness of us.

"I'm begging you..."

They can't see you.

"Don't go, Jackie. I love you."

"Oh, Des! Short for desperate.
Right, that's the one."

Fine. Go then, do what you like.

I really don't care.

(PASSING SIREN BLARES)

He's not gonna sell much ice cream
going at that speed, is he?

(CHUCKLES)

Bye-bye, Ade.

Mommy's leaving now.

Where you going?

I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

To Wales?

Not that kind of holiday,
sweetheart.

Mommy loves you very much.
You know that, don't ya?

Say something to her.

Say something to her!

ADE: TV's gone off again.

(SIGHS)

That's because
it's cheap and rented,

like everything else in this house.

It's just the meter.

We need another 50p.
Come and help me look.

That's Leon.

Always scrabbling around
for the next 50p.

I think I've just found one.
Wah-hey-hey!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Can I come with ya?

No, sweetheart.

Why not?

Ask your dad.

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight

# and music, and love, and romance

(ERN AND ERIC)
# Let's face the music and dance

# You were meant for me #

Straight to the right, let's sway.

# I was meant for you

# Nature fashioned you

# And when she was done

# You're all the sweet things

# Rolled into one #

OK. I...

Ooh!
# Plaintive melody #

I just want to know
why all this is happening.

Hello?
Don't you get it?

This is how you escape that.

All the, you know,
with what's-her-name,

and the other fella.
Eh?

# You're adorable
B!

# You're so beautiful
C!

# You're a cutie full of charms

OK, I think...

# A!
You're adorable

# B! #
Not a chance!

# F!
You're a feather in my arms

Look, I just want to know
what all of this got to do

with me selling my company?

# ..the alphabet with you

# But what are we going to do
about him? #

(CAROLE'S DAD CHEERS AND LAUGHS)

# SHAKIN' STEVENS:
Merry Christmas Everyone. #

# ..underneath the mistletoe #

Oh!
(CHUCKLING)

Hey!

Whoo!

Oh, careful.

Oh. Here we come.

(DOOR BELL RINGING)

Get that will you, Carole?

BOTH: Ho! Ho! Ho!

(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, hey!

Merry Christmas, you muppet!

Merry Christmas, you wazzock!

No need to get us a drink.
Yeah, we can help ourselves.

Oh, and not forgetting
our contribution to the buffet.

Mi casa, you casa.

Good lad. Hey, brought you 50p
for the meter as well.

Brilliant.
50p! (LAUGHS)

Hey, come through,
we're going to do charades.

Hey, kiddo.

Hey, I love Christmas, mate!

They all felt sorry for me.

Hate people feeling sorry for me.

(PHONE RINGING)
Get the phone, will you, Carole.

Everyone's here, like always.

Aunty Kath came from Wallasey

with her stew.

Where are you, Mum?

Mum's in Malaga. With Dave.

Lucky Dave.

I wish I could be there with you.

OK.

I understand. Bye, Mum.

MAN: Carole. We've offered your dad
a job down in London with us,

doing some plastering.
And he could make loads of money.

What do you think?

Nah, you're alright.

It's sounds too much like hard work.

(CAROLE SIGHS)
Lazy git.

Cheers.
Cheers.

ADE: Dad! Carole!
Morecambe and Wise are on the telly!

MAN: # Bring me sunshine

# All the while

(MORECAMBE AND WISE LAUGHING)

Come on. You love
Morecambe and Wise, don't ya?

Well, come on. After you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Why, if it isn't little Tiny Tim

from ye olde Victorian times.

Please, sir, can I have some more?

I think you're getting Tiny Tim
mixed up with Oliver Twist.

Shh, you'll hurt his feelings.
He's a sensitive little soul.

What are these?
Bongos?

Just watch it, that's all.

WHAT are these?

They are bongos!

Well, does he know you've got them?

Does he know you've got them, eh?

This is gold dust, this is.
It's your line.

I don't understand what all this
is supposed to show me.

My mother left, my father
was a loser. I knew all that already.

That's not it.

Being poor is rubbish.
I knew that, too.

You don't need to speak to me
about poverty, sunshine.

We used to work at the BBC.
Being poor drove my mum away.

Being poor was my whole childhood.
That's not it either.

You may have been poor,
but were you happy?

How could I have been happy
when we were so poor?

The real question is, how can you
be unhappy when you're so rich?

(BELL TOLLS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: Christmas...
MAN 2: Snowman. Singing.

Song?
Singing in the rain.

(IMITATING BABY CRYING)
(SHIVERS) Ooh.

Ice Ice Baby.
Frozen.

No! Baby, it's cold outside.

(ALL SIGHING)
It's obvious.

ALL: Oh.

Has, er,
has anyone got 50p for the meter?

Oh, thanks.

Unbelievable.

Baby. Cold.

(ALL CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

("STAY ANOTHER DAY" BY EAST 17
PLAYING SOFTLY)

This is when I left home,
I started my own business.

Mail-order stocking fillers.
Erns got two of those.

They're short, fat and hairy!
(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm going down to London.
I've got friends there.

What you mean, friends? Carole.

Carole!

Can they afford
to put you up, can they?Can you?

What do you think I've been doing?

Fishing with his mates
and watching telly, mostly.

I fed ya, I clothed ya.

You've never wanted for anything.
(BOTH SCOFF)

We had holidays.
One week in Anglesey.

Every single year.
I thought you liked Anglesey.

BOTH: I hated it.

YOUNG CAROLE: I hate this house.

I hate this life!
I could have been with mum

in a massive house in Spain,
with a pool.

But you had to keep us here with you,
just to spite her.

Because you couldn't bear
to see her win.

I did my best.

Maybe your best ain't enough.
It weren't enough for mum.

Fine.

You do what you like, Carole.
I don't really care.

What's going on?

She's leaving, son.

Carole?

Bye, Ade.

# Won't you stay another day?
Stay now! #

Ladies and gentlemen,
that's the end of our show.

I'd like to thank our very special
guest, Miss Carole Christmas.

Have you had a nice time?
Not really. (AUDIENCE AWS)

She doesn't look happy.
She must have seen her fee.

We thought you'd like
seeing your Christmases past.

You showed me
all the wrong Christmases.

We showed you
all the right Christmases,

but not necessarily
in the right order.

I'll give you that, sunshine.
I'll give you that.

Oh. We're off now.
You have to go that way.

Where will you go?

To join all the other ghosts
of light entertainment.

You don't mean...
(CHUCKLES)

..ITV?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

# MORECAMBE & WISE:
Bring Me Sunshine. #

# Bring me laughter

# All the while #

(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
(GASPS)

(PANTING)

WOMAN: They usually open
by themselves.

What day is it?

It's Christmas Eve.

In 2022?

Yeah.

MAN 1: Hey, there she is.
The genius.

MAN 2: Christmas Carole herself.
The OG.

Hashtag, original girlboss.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Ashok Kumar.

Barry Sage. Can I just say,
everyone at Limpopo

is so psyched for this new deal
right now.

We're super excited.
You must be stoked, too.

You look pumped, man!
Are you pumped?

I've got a bit of a headache.
You want some Xanax?

Can we get Carole some Xanax here?

Oh, no, no. I'm fine.

If it's about the live stream,
don't worry.

It's a walk in the park.
We'll lead.

I'll tell everyone
how excited we are,

give them the data,
the KPIs, EBITDA, that jazz.

Then we'll bring you up
and you do your thing.Right.

Do you know
what you're going to say?

Well, I was going to talk about

how I came up
with the idea of the company?

Brilliant.
We love that.

But here's something legal and media
have thrown together.

It's what you said.
With specific focus

on rebranding and sustainability.
Yeah, sustainability is important.

It's our number one priority.
Number one BS priority.

Our customers just want to do
the right thing by the planet.

So we tell them, "Sure, why not?"

Yeah, you're buying tonnes of
non-degradable plastic every year.

Of course
you're saving the planet, dillweed.

By the way, can I tell you,
we loved your Christmas antlers.

Hell of a business model, 30 cents
to produce, then we sell for $10.

And everyone makes
multiple purchases

because the damn things disintegrate
faster than my last marriage.

(ALL CHUCKLE)
Well, what about my employees?

Oh, well, um, of course,

those guys are going
to lose their jobs.

All of them?

We're innovators, Carole

Every successful innovation
leaves some people behind.

That's just how it is.

The rules are the same
for everybody.

If you're not making millions,
it's because you're too dumb or lazy

to take the opportunities
presented to you. Am I right?

Oh, I almost forgot.
This was couriered to my assistant

from someone called Bobbie?

Oh, thank God!

Thank you. Thank you.

(SIGHS)
Oh, Bobbie.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Excuse me.

I just...
Sure.

Is she OK?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(POWER WHIRS DOWN)

(DOORS RATTLING)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(RATTLING AND MUSIC STOP)

Hello?

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'd give that five minutes,
if I were you.

Joking! I was just cleaning it.

Actually, I wasn't even cleaning it.

I was just waiting for you.

Wait, aren't you-
Yes, I am.

Yes. And I have done
a bit of acting,

so this is a piece of cake.

A little clue for you there. Cake!

You're a bit nervous
about meeting a supernatural being?

A supernatural...

(SIGHS)
So you're the...

Mmm, mmm, Spirit of Christmas,
Ghost of Christmas Present.

Whatever.

Not Christmas Presents.

Or in your case,

Christmas Things
That Go Straight In The Bin.

That was another joke.

No, but you're not...

Morecambe and Wise
are dead in real life.

Believe you me, I have died
many, many times, on my arse.

Yes. Thank you.

Yeah, alright. Are you ready
for your next journey?

I was actually
about to do a big presentation.

It wasn't really a question.
Right.

Take my hand, and you will be
magically transported.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(GASPS)

You said magically transported!

What are we doing on these things?

Fun, aren't they?
And great for the planet.

I thought
we'd be flying or something.

Oh, this isn't The Snowman!

(PEDESTRIANS ARGUING)

Forget it! It's over there,
how hard can it be?!

Oh!
(CHUCKLES)

Christmas spirit.
Brilliant, isn't it?

I could have nearly killed ya!

Yeah, I know
you could have killed me.

What's wrong with ya?
(ARGUING CONTINUES)

It doesn't work on everyone.

Where are you taking me?

Everyone ready?

Pani puri.

Children, pani puri.

Everyone.
Excellent, where is the chaat?

Oh, I'll get it.

Having a tough time of it, are we?

You stay relaxed, yeah?

Behold, you should know
that these are but shadows-

They can't see us, I get it.
Rude.

Tell your uncle to help.
KIDS: Help, Uncle.

I refuse to participate
in a festival

that has nothing to do with
our proud Sikh culture or identity.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Who are these people, anyway?

Oh, I see.

Hey, family.
Ah!(CHUCKLES)Ah, beti.

Mum! Hi mummy.

So she gave you the night off then?
Uh, not exactly.

She fired me.
What?

Who does that on Christmas Eve?

It's fine.
Some friend she turned out to be.

After all the stuff
you've done for her.

You can't afford to get fired, Beta.
How you gonna pay the bills?

How are we going to pay
for all of this?

Well, but she was going to get fired
anyway when Limpopo takeover.

Honestly, Mum, we'll be fine.

Anyway, it means we can
all spend Christmas together, eh?

Right, now, who wants
chocolate and a movie?

KIDS: Me.

Can we watch The Grinch?

I was watching Game of Thrones!

Jas, it's Christmas.
He's sulking.

We're Sikhs. We don't even
believe in Christmas.

He's a bit bah humbug, isn't he?
BOBBIE: Right.

Mummy needs a glass
of Christmas spirit.

So, starting to get the picture?
Shh!

Meena, Tiny,
go and put your PJ's on first.

KIDS: Yes, Mommy.
He's called Tiny?

Tiny Singh as in Tiny Tim?

Yes, but...

He's sick, isn't he?
No, I don't think so.

Some kind of unseen condition.
Something genetic.

Oh, my God, he's going to die.

They can't afford
to pay for his treatment.

No.
I suppose that's my fault, is it?

Is it?

(SIGHS)
No, I can't deal with this.

Oh, look I keep telling you,
there's nothing wrong with him.

You're missing the whole point.
(GROANS)

Oh, for God's sake.

(DISTORTED CHATTER)

(SOUND COMES BACK INTO FOCUS)

GIRL: It's a Wonderful Life!
MAN: Yes, Rita! Yes!Oh, no.

I knew I can rely on you.

I knew you'd get it.
It was five words.I said four.

You're not listening.

Welcome
to another recycled Christmas.

BOY: A movie.
CHRISTMAS SPIRIT: Film.

One word.
One word.

I love charades, don't you?
Uh, no.

It's literally the only game
anyone ever plays at Christmas.

That's why I like it.

Gremlins.
Frozen!

BOY: Goonies.
Is it the whole thing?

Frozen.
Jaws.

Basketball?

The Unbearable Lightness of Being!

What?
What?

The Unbearable...
It's one word.

(SIGHS)
Oh. Alright. Sorry.

Frozen!
Will you stop saying frozen.

Frozen 2.
Frozen 3.

BOY: No!

Ear. Ear library.

Ear library?!

It's... It's an audio book.

Harry Potter?

Oh, for Pete's sake, it's Elf. Elf!

What?
Movie...

One word, sounds like shelf

Elf!

SAM: E-E-Elf!

BOTH: Thank you.

Hey, well done, Sammy!

You're like your aunty Carole,
she was always good at charades.

Yeah, but she never comes over
at Christmas.

I mean, does she even love us?

(SIGHS) Your aunty Carole
doesn't believe in Christmas.

The only thing she loves is money.

(ALL LAUGH)She's right posh now.
She's got money.

Selling piles and piles
of plastic tats.

Pound shop Cruella de Vil.

(ALL LAUGH)

Of course she loves us, Sammy.
she's just...She's...

..very unhappy,
and that gets in the way.

Come and join the party, Dad.

Yeah, in a bit.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Did you, uh, see our Carole?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Yeah.

How was she?

Uh... Fine. Good. Yeah, you know...

No thanks to you.

Hmm. Yeah, I can imagine.

OK, time to go.
Not yet.

Please, can we just go?

No. You need to hear
what he's about to say!

Give it to me!

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING SOFTLY THROUGH SPEAKERS)

It's Christmas Eve, right?

In 2022.

I'd give that five minutes.

(SLEIGH RIDE PLAYING)

# There's a birthday party
at the home of Farmer Grey

# It'll be the perfect ending
of a perfect day

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

ON PA: "Merry Christmas, we have...
(INDISTINCT)

"We'd like to wish you
a very merry Christmas."

MAN: I know what you...
I know you're excite...

No, no. Please, please.

Are you enjoying this?
Are you enjoying this?

You don't need that. Or that.

You certainly don't need that!

Don't you understand?

You don't need it, none of us do.

It's all a load of crap.

It's all a load of crap!

Hi.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Are you
the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

I think I know what it is
you've been trying to tell me.

Not a ghost.

I'll just...

No, you don't understand.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Oh. Come on, come on.

Oi! Hey!

Hey!

(GASPS)

(SHOUTING)

Go, go, go!

Go!

Drive, now!

Never seen a driverless car before?
(GASPS)

Relax.
They're not gonna be bothering you.

What the...

Good, innit?

Time has stood still.

Only you and I can move forwards.

Forwards into the future.

Oh, so you're the...
That's right.

I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Yet To Come.

See, you had
your Ghost of Christmas Past,

and they were very much from
the actual past.Right.

Then you had
your Ghost of Christmas Present.

That's your household name now.
Yes.

You see, I'm like
the next generation of star,

someone on an upward ascent.

Maybe get my own show,
my own stand-up special,

maybe host the Baftas.

What I'm saying is,

I'm a national treasure
of the future.

Yes, yes, I get it.

It's just... It's fine.
You don't have to do your bit.

What do you mean?
I've already had my epiphany.

You know, the bit where I realise
where I've gone wrong,

and what I need to do to change.

Well done, by the way.

It was the reindeer antlers
that finally did it.

Look, I had nothing for so long,

so I thought money was the answer.
So I wanted more and more.

So I sold more and more.

Getting people to bury
their unhappiness

under a mountain of throwaway tat.

So I built this empire
of continuous consumption

and it just isn't sustainable.

Nah, it's not that. You're gonna
have to dig a little deeper.

(WHOOSHING)
(GASPS)

(CHURCH BELL TOLLING)

MAN: The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want

He maketh me to lie down
in green pastures.

He leadeth me
beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me
in the paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

It's a funeral.

Though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death...

Ye- Whose funeral?

Thou art with me.

Can you not just tell me?

Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies...

Oh, my God! It's Tiny Singh.

It is, isn't it?

It's Tiny Singh's funeral.
It's not Tiny Singh!

He had that condition
and everything, with his legs.

He wasn't ill. How many times?

Yes, but...
Just go over there and look.

Thou preparest a table before me

in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

My cup runneth over.

Surely, goodness and mercy

shall follow me
all the days of my life.

No Carole?
No.

That's a shame.

You're coming back
to the house, though?

Of course.
Give him a proper send off.Yeah.

Please.

We'll see you
back at the house, Ade.

Thanks for coming. It means a lot.

We're gonna miss him.

Yeah, that's that.

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

Time to go?

Not yet. There's something else
you need to hear.

You coming?
No, I'll wait in the car.

But don't take too long.

You need to be back here
in 10 minutes.

Why?
If you don't leave here with me,

you'll get stuck
in this reality forever.

You will never be able to go back.

SAM: Can we have a look
at grandad's old fishing stuff?

Finders keepers.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN 1: It was a great send off.
MAN 2: Beautiful send off.

He would've loved it.
He would that.

Cheers, pal.
Cheers, pal.

Mmm.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All the best, mate.

You know, he always used to say,

he only ever loved two women.

They both left him.
What?!

Biggest regret of his life, he said.

But...

Yeah.

Oh, bloody hell.
(SCOFFS)

(CRYING)

RITA: Hey, come on.

It's alright.
(SOBS)

What are we going to do
with all this stuff?

Hey, Ade,

he was ever so proud of her.
Yeah.

Always going on about
how well she was doing.

"Our Carole this, our Carole that."

I don't think
he ever got over her leaving.

You and Carole
meant everything to him, you know?

Aye.He could have come down
to London with us

when we were doing up houses
for yuppies in the city.

This were back in the '80s.

Plasterers could make
loads of money back then.

But he wanted
to be here for you both.

Said you needed security.

That's why we were always so skint.
Hmm.

And you thought it was because
he was a lazy bugger, didn't you?

No.
Oh... Yeah.

Ah, Carole was just so angry.

I wish she could've forgiven him.
For what?

For not letting mum
take us with her,

and making her stay here with him.

And she thought
he did it out of spite, but...

Didn't he tell ya?

BOTH: Tell us what?

She never contested custody.

BOTH: What?!

Why didn't he tell us that?

He didn't want you
thinking badly of your mam.

I see you're back, then.

LEON: Put that down.
JACKIE: Or what?

What are you going to do, Leon?
I don't know what you want, Jackie.

Oh, I don't know.
I don't know what I want.

But this can't be it.
Get married, have kids, the end.

I'm nearly 30.
I've lived here me whole life.

Look at me. I'm not going
to look like this forever, I-

I've got to get out
while I still can.

(SIGHS)

I want more, Leon.

More than this house.
This town, this life.

I like this life.Yeah, well,
it's not good enough for me.

I'm leaving.

I'm taking the car,
but you can keep the rest.The rest?

What do you mean, Carole and Ade?

Huh? God.

Who's gonna look after them?

I don't know, Leon, you?
You're their mother.

And you're their father.
Why does it have to be me?

You'll do a better job anyway.
What am I supposed to tell 'em?

I don't know. Tell 'em
I've run off with the milkman.

Whatever you want.
Don't do this.

Get out of my way, Leon!
Please.

Please don't, I'm begging ya.

Don't go, Jackie. I love ya.

Sorry.

Fine. Go, then.

Do what you like.
I really don't care.

Mum.

YOUNG CAROLE: Where you going?

I'm going on a bit of a holiday.

To Wales?

Not that kind of holiday,
sweetheart.

Can I come with ya?

No, sweetheart.

Why not?
Ask your dad?

He was always afraid that
if you knew what really happened,

you'd have hated her.

He couldn't bear that.
It was better if you hated him.

Stop saying that.
You don't know anything.

Carole always blamed him
for mum walking out.

Oh, Ade.You can say
what you like about Leon.

But he could always keep a secret.

Even to the end.

(MOBILE BEEPS)
I think we all knew

that Christmas
was going to be his last.

He sent us to London
to try and get Carole

to come up for Christmas dinner.
(SIGHS)

She never even knew he was dying.

(SIGHS)

(GASPS)

What took you so long?

So how you feeling anyway?

Great.

Yeah, I mean, if...
If I didn't know, I wouldn't know,

if you know what I mean.
Yeah.

I don't think
she's coming, Dad. I...

Why didn't you let me tell her?

I didn't want her
to feel sorry for me.

Yeah.

Not to worry, ey?

There'll be other Christmases!
Yeah.

Come on.

Let's play some more charades.

Uh... do we have to?

OK, I understand.

I understand it all.

Uh, it's too late.

No, what do you mean, it's too late?

Carole, you made it.

You can see me?
Of course I can.

I'm not that far gone.
Ey up.Look who's here.

Carole, love, give us a cuddle.

Oh, no, no, no.
So sorry about your dad.

No.
(GASPS)

I've got to go. I've got to go.

WOMAN: Carole.
Great to see you. Carole.

Wait! Wait!

Wait!

You can't leave me here.

(GASPS, SIGHS)

I have to get back. No, no!

(CAROLE SCREAMS)
(THUD)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)
Oh, God.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh!

Help!

Help. Help!

(THUD)
(GRUNTS)

(SHRIEKS)

(MELE KALIKIMAKA PLAYING)

# Mele Kalikimaka
is the thing to say

# On a bright Hawaiian Christmas day

# That's the island greeting
that we send to you

# From the land
where palm trees sway

WOMAN: Oh, goodness.
Look at this. Rubbish everywhere.

'Tis the season to avoid
the recycling bins, apparently.

Ah. Hello my darling.

Happy Christmas to you.

You look very nice.
I like that jacket.

Though, I don't think the...
chicken wrappers

are working for you.
Oh.

(SIGHS)

Are you OK, my darling?

What day is it?

Ah! It's Christmas Eve.

In...
2022.

(GASPS)

(SCREAMING)

I made it back.

(LAUGHS)

But I'm gonna be late.

(MELE KALIKIMAKA CONTINUES PLAYING)

# Here we know that Christmas
will be green and bright

# The sun to shine by day
and all the stars at night

Good luck my darling!
Thank you!

# Mele Kalikimaka is Hawaii's way

# To say Merry Christmas to you. #

And now, without further ado,
may I introduce you to the woman

we're about to make
very rich indeed.

(CHUCKLES) Yes,
it's Christmas Carole herself...

BOTH: Carole Mackay.
(APPLAUSE)

(DOOR OPENS)

Carole Mackay!

Thank you to Barry and Ashok.

For whatever it is you've just said.

And thank you to all of you
for coming tonight.

You could be at home.

It's Christmas Eve!

But you're not, you're here.

(FAMILY LAUGHING)

"This is more like it."

Cause you all believe...
(FAMILY GROANS)

What's this rubbish?
We were watching that.

That woman fired you.
Why are you interested?

I just want to see if she's OK.

CAROLE:
..and that something is money.

Money.

If there is no money,
no one buys our stuff.

If no one buys our stuff,
well, there is no Christmas.

(CHUCKLES)
Am I right?

Well, no, I'm not...

..right, actually.

That's why I want
to take this opportunity to...

..explain why I'm...

..pulling out of the deal.

(CROWD MUTTERING)

I'm not selling Christmas Carole.

I'm...

I'm rebranding the company.

And stop making tonnes
of tacky Christmas tat, and...

..we're gonna make
reusable packaging instead.

It turns out that Christmas
is still Christmas,

even without... half a million pairs
of plastic reindeer antlers.

(PHONE RINGS)

I'm also...

Hello? Yes.

..ordering a share issue.

(MOBILE BEEPS)

Available to employees
of the company only,

at a price of 50p per share.

In memory
of my dad's electricity meter.

And finally...

I would like to...

..announce the appointment
of the company's new joint CEO.

Bobbie Singh Cratchit.

(ALL LAUGHING)
What?

Hi, Bobbie.

I knew you'd be watching,
even though I fired you.

I won't take up
too much of your time,

cause I know Jas will be wanting
to watch Game of Thrones.

Uh...
How does she...

I don't...

Well, I'll just say I'm sorry.

For all the times
that I didn't listen.

And for all the times
that I didn't care.

For all the times
that I made you do something

that I could have done myself.

Oh, you've been
a good friend to me, and...

..I hope that from now on,
I could be a good friend to you.

You are my friend.

(SOFTLY) Sorry.

Anyway, that's it. Thank you.

What the hell was that?

So you're not selling the company?

He's quick, I'll give them that.
(CHUCKLES)

Merry Christmas, little fella.

Merry Christmas, Miss Carole.

Merry Christmas, Charlie.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Come in, come in.

# MARIAH CAREY:
All I Want For Christmas Is You. #

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want

# For Christmas

# Is

# you

# Yeah

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# And I

# Don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree...

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