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1
00:00:10,506 --> 00:00:11,913
Hey, come on guys,
you're gonna miss
2
00:00:11,996 --> 00:00:13,655
the big fight on
the football field.
3
00:00:13,738 --> 00:00:14,895
Oh, wow, who's fightin'?
4
00:00:14,978 --> 00:00:15,938
Football team.
5
00:00:16,021 --> 00:00:19,803
Yeah, somebody,
I don't know who
6
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:23,892
put itching powder
in their sweat suits.
7
00:00:23,892 --> 00:00:24,870
Who they gonna fight?
8
00:00:24,953 --> 00:00:26,413
Each other.
9
00:00:27,076 --> 00:00:29,513
It'll be the greatest display
of open field scratching
10
00:00:29,540 --> 00:00:30,979
of the season.
11
00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:32,759
You guys, you all go ahead.
12
00:00:32,765 --> 00:00:35,106
Me and Juan, we gotta rehearse.
13
00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:36,393
That's right, that's right.
14
00:00:36,476 --> 00:00:37,499
Me and Freddie,
we're entering
15
00:00:37,499 --> 00:00:40,566
the annual Buchanan
talent contest.
16
00:00:42,894 --> 00:00:44,595
Oh, no.
17
00:00:45,773 --> 00:00:47,073
No, no, no, I will
not permit this.
18
00:00:47,156 --> 00:00:49,460
Don't you remember what
happened to you last year?
19
00:00:49,479 --> 00:00:50,656
They came in last.
20
00:00:50,739 --> 00:00:52,202
Further back than that.
21
00:00:52,284 --> 00:00:54,989
The scenery came
in ahead of them.
22
00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:58,675
Yeah, well, you see, last year
we-we-we had a bad audience.
23
00:00:58,675 --> 00:01:00,183
- Right?
- That's right.
24
00:01:00,266 --> 00:01:02,621
Yeah, man, even the Beetles
got booted when they
25
00:01:02,704 --> 00:01:04,533
first started, right?
26
00:01:04,616 --> 00:01:06,392
- That's right.
- Right.
27
00:01:06,475 --> 00:01:09,310
Oh, that's right, but nobody
ever came up on stage
28
00:01:09,393 --> 00:01:13,468
and tried to set them on fire.
29
00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,334
Hey, what kind of act
you guys gonna do?
30
00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:17,048
It's top secret.
31
00:01:17,397 --> 00:01:20,563
Oh, I should've known.
32
00:01:20,646 --> 00:01:23,148
Most big bombs are.
33
00:01:23,628 --> 00:01:24,529
Come on, guys, uh...
34
00:01:24,612 --> 00:01:27,677
Why you gonna work so
hard over this lousy trophy?
35
00:01:27,697 --> 00:01:30,715
You can pawn
that trophy for $10.
36
00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:32,290
Come on, let's get to class.
37
00:01:32,373 --> 00:01:35,130
Hey, Mr... Woodman, have
you heard the good news?
38
00:01:35,213 --> 00:01:36,649
I hate good news.
39
00:01:36,732 --> 00:01:38,831
Go ahead anyway.
40
00:01:39,458 --> 00:01:43,461
Freddie and Juan here are
entering the talent show.
41
00:01:45,927 --> 00:01:47,451
Oh, that is good news.
42
00:01:47,534 --> 00:01:48,716
Come on, Mr. Woodman.
43
00:01:48,791 --> 00:01:50,029
Last year, they barely escaped
44
00:01:50,112 --> 00:01:51,411
with their lives.
45
00:01:51,494 --> 00:01:52,553
I know.
46
00:01:52,636 --> 00:01:54,735
This year, I'm gonna
seal off the exits.
47
00:01:54,817 --> 00:01:57,189
[laughing]
48
00:01:58,924 --> 00:02:00,642
Mr. Woodman.
49
00:02:06,124 --> 00:02:07,126
Mr. Woodman, look at this.
50
00:02:07,209 --> 00:02:08,810
It's a threatening letter
51
00:02:08,893 --> 00:02:11,737
actually threatening
bodily harm.
52
00:02:11,820 --> 00:02:13,845
These little animals
have gone too far.
53
00:02:13,845 --> 00:02:17,090
Nobody sends threatening
letters to my teachers.
54
00:02:17,173 --> 00:02:19,273
Oh, no, it's not for me.
55
00:02:19,819 --> 00:02:22,929
It's from me, to you.
56
00:02:26,575 --> 00:02:28,258
What's your problem, Jean?
57
00:02:28,341 --> 00:02:30,441
Well, I don't think that
I, as the English teacher
58
00:02:30,524 --> 00:02:32,825
should have to be in-charge
of the talent show.
59
00:02:32,907 --> 00:02:34,517
And who do you
think should run it?
60
00:02:34,591 --> 00:02:36,474
Well, what about the
captain of the football team?
61
00:02:36,474 --> 00:02:39,149
He's used to getting
kicked when he's down.
62
00:02:40,238 --> 00:02:41,961
Don't mention the
football team to me.
63
00:02:42,044 --> 00:02:43,884
I have another
problem with them.
64
00:02:43,967 --> 00:02:44,986
What happened?
65
00:02:45,069 --> 00:02:47,633
Some clown put itching
powder in their sweat suits
66
00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:51,399
and now they're all
scratchin' themselves silly.
67
00:02:51,482 --> 00:02:53,282
Now, what's your problem
with the talent show?
68
00:02:53,365 --> 00:02:55,067
Well, I wanna cancel it.
69
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,011
- Why?
- Orders of my dentist.
70
00:02:57,011 --> 00:03:00,166
He says I'm just
grindin' my teeth away.
71
00:03:01,117 --> 00:03:03,839
Jean, I have no time
for your little jokes.
72
00:03:03,922 --> 00:03:06,903
But, Mr. Woodman,
if we put this show on
73
00:03:06,986 --> 00:03:08,506
it's gonna be terrible.
74
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,788
These kids are just
gonna get up there
75
00:03:09,871 --> 00:03:11,674
and make fools of themselves.
76
00:03:11,694 --> 00:03:14,677
And that's what I
like best about it.
77
00:03:14,677 --> 00:03:15,677
But I like these kids.
78
00:03:15,678 --> 00:03:18,377
And I just hate
to see 'em do bad.
79
00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:20,059
Why don't we postpone
it so I'll have
80
00:03:20,142 --> 00:03:21,563
more time to work with them?
81
00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,662
We are gonna have a
talent show on schedule
82
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,323
and you are the
teacher in charge.
83
00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:28,089
And you're just gonna
have to face the music.
84
00:03:28,089 --> 00:03:29,187
Music?
85
00:03:29,270 --> 00:03:30,948
The closest we come to that
86
00:03:31,031 --> 00:03:33,070
is a little boy that plays
87
00:03:33,153 --> 00:03:36,787
"Lady of Spain"
on stolen hubcaps.
88
00:03:37,659 --> 00:03:39,095
I don't understand all the fuss!
89
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,780
I mean personally,
I love that show.
90
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:43,542
I mean, the people
throwin' fruit and garbage.
91
00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:46,748
And the booing and the
hissing and the profanity.
92
00:03:46,813 --> 00:03:50,125
♪ Oh there's no business
like show business ♪
93
00:03:50,208 --> 00:03:52,867
♪ like no business I know ♪♪
94
00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:54,410
♪♪
95
00:04:05,092 --> 00:04:07,795
♪ Welcome back ♪
96
00:04:07,878 --> 00:04:11,538
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
97
00:04:11,621 --> 00:04:13,757
♪ Welcome back ♪
98
00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:18,675
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
99
00:04:18,758 --> 00:04:20,634
♪ Well the names
have all changed ♪
100
00:04:20,717 --> 00:04:22,984
♪ Since you hung around ♪
101
00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:27,597
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
102
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,061
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
103
00:04:30,144 --> 00:04:31,716
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
104
00:04:31,798 --> 00:04:33,674
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
105
00:04:33,757 --> 00:04:35,937
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
106
00:04:36,020 --> 00:04:40,289
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
107
00:04:40,372 --> 00:04:42,421
♪ Welcome back ♪
108
00:04:42,504 --> 00:04:46,730
♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪
109
00:04:46,813 --> 00:04:48,950
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
110
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:53,302
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause
we've got him on the spot ♪
111
00:04:53,385 --> 00:04:55,478
♪ Welcome back ♪
112
00:04:55,561 --> 00:04:59,742
♪ Welcome back, welcome back,
welcome back ♪
113
00:04:59,825 --> 00:05:04,182
♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪
114
00:05:04,265 --> 00:05:10,968
♪ Welcome back, welcome back,
welcome back ♪♪
115
00:05:13,784 --> 00:05:14,984
Now try to keep that up, now.
116
00:05:15,067 --> 00:05:17,167
Here, put this ball back
with the rest of 'em.
117
00:05:18,630 --> 00:05:20,493
Alright, now who's
up next for audition?
118
00:05:20,576 --> 00:05:22,036
We are!
119
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,319
My brother and me
got an acrobatic act.
120
00:05:25,402 --> 00:05:26,502
We'll set it up right now.
121
00:05:26,563 --> 00:05:28,022
Alright.
122
00:05:35,653 --> 00:05:39,355
- You ready, Ms. Tremaine?
- Yeah, go ahead, honey.
123
00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:43,479
Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute!
124
00:05:43,562 --> 00:05:45,662
Hold it!
Come on down off of that ladder.
125
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,279
I don't know
about this act here.
126
00:05:47,362 --> 00:05:50,706
We done it before.
We always find him again.
127
00:05:52,707 --> 00:05:54,008
Uh, uh, you kids
just go on home.
128
00:05:54,091 --> 00:05:56,575
- I'll call, you hear?
- We ain't got no phone.
129
00:05:56,595 --> 00:05:57,595
Well, don't worry about it.
130
00:05:57,595 --> 00:05:59,237
I'll beat out somethin'
on a hollow log.
131
00:05:59,238 --> 00:06:01,045
Go on home.
132
00:06:03,284 --> 00:06:05,544
Alright, now, who's
next up for the audition?
133
00:06:05,627 --> 00:06:08,007
We, we, we, we are, we
are, Ms... Tremaine, yeah.
134
00:06:08,089 --> 00:06:09,372
- Curtain up!
- Light the lights!
135
00:06:09,372 --> 00:06:11,472
Call the cops!
136
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:16,133
Alright, let's see your act
before my rolaid wears off.
137
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:19,010
Alright.
138
00:06:19,093 --> 00:06:20,553
Quiet!
139
00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:25,056
I want everybody to settle
down because to begin this act
140
00:06:25,139 --> 00:06:27,316
we need silence.
141
00:06:27,399 --> 00:06:31,425
Yeah, that's all you're
gonna hear when it's over.
142
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,993
Yeah, Carvelli, see
that's all you gonna hear
143
00:06:34,076 --> 00:06:36,176
when it's over.
144
00:06:36,595 --> 00:06:39,159
Well, well, well, if it
isn't Murray and Carvelli.
145
00:06:39,243 --> 00:06:40,845
What are you punks doin' here?
146
00:06:40,845 --> 00:06:43,309
Well, we thought we'd come down
and watch you guys audition.
147
00:06:43,329 --> 00:06:46,851
You see, Murray here
likes animal acts.
148
00:06:46,934 --> 00:06:50,350
Yeah, Epstein, roll over.
149
00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:55,734
How would you like
to play dead, Murray?
150
00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:57,979
Hey, Ms. Tremaine, I don't
got to perform in front
151
00:06:58,062 --> 00:06:59,505
of these guys, they
shouldn't even be here.
152
00:06:59,525 --> 00:07:00,724
They've got a right to be here.
153
00:07:00,725 --> 00:07:01,907
They're performers, and this is
154
00:07:01,990 --> 00:07:05,406
an equal opportunity disaster.
155
00:07:06,378 --> 00:07:07,938
Oh, yeah, what do they do?
156
00:07:08,021 --> 00:07:09,481
Musical muggings?
157
00:07:10,566 --> 00:07:12,896
Are you gonna
audition or aren't you?
158
00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:15,592
No, absolutely not, I will
not perform in front of them.
159
00:07:15,675 --> 00:07:17,275
No way.
160
00:07:18,998 --> 00:07:21,475
Don't get so uptight, Epstein.
We're leavin' anyway.
161
00:07:21,558 --> 00:07:25,301
You see, I hate
to associate with losers
162
00:07:25,384 --> 00:07:29,131
except of course,
my good friend, Murray.
163
00:07:29,214 --> 00:07:33,240
Yeah, I'm the only looser
he associates with.
164
00:07:35,078 --> 00:07:38,102
So, uh, you can look for us in
the winner's circle, alright?
165
00:07:38,186 --> 00:07:41,008
Come on, Murray,
let's go skin an alligator.
166
00:07:46,371 --> 00:07:47,473
- Hey, Arnold.
- Huh?
167
00:07:47,556 --> 00:07:49,254
How bad is this talent show?
168
00:07:49,337 --> 00:07:52,304
Oh, it's not that bad.
169
00:07:52,387 --> 00:07:54,729
Last year's winner,
Guido Venelli
170
00:07:54,812 --> 00:07:57,294
had a very unusual act.
171
00:07:57,377 --> 00:08:00,305
He would chew up
crayons and then spit
172
00:08:00,305 --> 00:08:02,405
a beautiful painting.
173
00:08:04,098 --> 00:08:07,518
Oh, everybody in the
audience loved Guido.
174
00:08:07,602 --> 00:08:11,690
Except for maybe
the first two rows.
175
00:08:11,773 --> 00:08:14,341
That's nothin', we had
a guy down in New Orleans.
176
00:08:14,398 --> 00:08:16,381
He did a three
dimensional wall plaque.
177
00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:17,784
Oh, yeah, with crayons?
178
00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:22,122
No, he spit grits.
179
00:08:22,205 --> 00:08:26,701
Well, well, well, if it
ain't Romulus and Remus.
180
00:08:26,784 --> 00:08:28,278
Hey, uh, you fellas
plannin' to go
181
00:08:28,278 --> 00:08:29,577
to the talent show this year?
182
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:31,163
Sure, what's it to ya, Carvelli?
183
00:08:31,163 --> 00:08:32,766
Well, I just wanted to let
you know that you better
184
00:08:32,766 --> 00:08:35,050
take your sunglasses
'cause when, uh, when your
185
00:08:35,050 --> 00:08:36,790
two little friends is up there,
186
00:08:36,873 --> 00:08:41,097
even the foot lights
is gonna turn around.
187
00:08:42,482 --> 00:08:44,300
That's not funny.
188
00:08:44,383 --> 00:08:45,483
Hey, look, what are you
gonna be doin'
189
00:08:45,484 --> 00:08:46,640
in the talent show, Carvelli?
190
00:08:46,641 --> 00:08:48,163
Well, I'll tell ya, beau
191
00:08:48,163 --> 00:08:49,342
I'm gonna be takin' home
192
00:08:49,425 --> 00:08:51,107
that beautiful gold trophy.
193
00:08:51,128 --> 00:08:52,690
Come on, Carvelli.
194
00:08:52,730 --> 00:08:54,862
You got about as
much chance of winning
195
00:08:54,914 --> 00:08:57,295
as the hunchback of Notre Dame
has of buying
196
00:08:57,378 --> 00:08:59,401
a suit off the rack.
197
00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:03,046
That's funny!
198
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,402
Hey, everything's been
takin' care of, Carvelli.
199
00:09:06,485 --> 00:09:08,567
That's good, Murray,
that's real good.
200
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:11,504
You see, that's real good.
201
00:09:11,587 --> 00:09:12,808
Uh, excuse me, excuse me.
202
00:09:12,891 --> 00:09:14,631
I'd like to introduce
you fellas here.
203
00:09:14,712 --> 00:09:17,976
This is Mr. Arnold Horshack,
Mr. Beau de Labarre.
204
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:20,377
This is his honor
Mousey, his honor Rick
205
00:09:20,377 --> 00:09:22,695
and of course, you
know, his honor Murray.
206
00:09:22,778 --> 00:09:25,519
- His honor?
- It's a term of respect.
207
00:09:25,602 --> 00:09:28,261
You see, these are the
fellas that Ms. Tremaine
208
00:09:28,344 --> 00:09:29,842
has selected to be the judges
209
00:09:29,925 --> 00:09:31,687
of the upcomin' talent show.
210
00:09:31,707 --> 00:09:32,868
- Hey, Arnold.
- Huh?
211
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:35,503
I think the fix is in.
212
00:09:35,586 --> 00:09:37,745
Okay, Carvelli,
did you bribe them?
213
00:09:37,828 --> 00:09:39,306
How could you say such a thing?
214
00:09:39,389 --> 00:09:41,969
Arnold, let me put
it to you this way.
215
00:09:42,052 --> 00:09:44,620
They think that I'm Santa Claus
216
00:09:44,654 --> 00:09:48,057
and he's Murray
the red nose reindeer.
217
00:09:48,057 --> 00:09:50,960
Come on, fellas, I'll
buy ya a yogurt pizza.
218
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,561
Well, poor god, are we
gonna let Murray and Carvelli
219
00:09:55,644 --> 00:09:56,681
get away with this?
220
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:57,962
Are we gonna let
our two best friends
221
00:09:58,045 --> 00:09:59,046
work this hard
and have their pride
222
00:09:59,126 --> 00:10:00,561
stolen out from under 'em?
223
00:10:00,568 --> 00:10:02,426
Would the little
beaver turn his back
224
00:10:02,509 --> 00:10:04,120
on the Red Ryder?
225
00:10:04,203 --> 00:10:05,544
Would superman turn
his back on Lois Lane?
226
00:10:05,553 --> 00:10:08,295
- Not in a phone booth.
- Not in that outfit.
227
00:10:08,295 --> 00:10:09,755
Shazam.
228
00:10:12,481 --> 00:10:14,266
Back in Louisiana,
we used to have this fox
229
00:10:14,303 --> 00:10:16,222
that would sneak into
the chicken coop every night.
230
00:10:16,304 --> 00:10:17,505
My daddy put an end to that.
231
00:10:17,505 --> 00:10:18,585
Oh, yeah, how?
232
00:10:18,668 --> 00:10:21,829
Put a mountain lion in there
233
00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:24,371
and taught him how to lay eggs.
234
00:10:30,128 --> 00:10:35,128
Mister... Oh, Mr. Woodman!
235
00:10:35,266 --> 00:10:37,506
You're just the man
I wanted to see.
236
00:10:37,589 --> 00:10:40,627
I never thought
I would say that.
237
00:10:40,710 --> 00:10:41,610
What do you want?
238
00:10:41,693 --> 00:10:44,354
Well, we would like to
volunteer our services.
239
00:10:44,437 --> 00:10:46,376
Good, why don't you
run down to the cafeteria
240
00:10:46,458 --> 00:10:49,721
and defuse the meatballs?
241
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:52,383
You talk to him, Beau,
he's in a great mood.
242
00:10:52,466 --> 00:10:53,824
Hey, look, Mr. Woodman,
we wanna help out
243
00:10:53,907 --> 00:10:56,247
in the talent show.
244
00:10:56,330 --> 00:10:58,071
Why don't you learn
to play the flute
245
00:10:58,112 --> 00:11:02,391
and lead all the
sweat hogs into the river?
246
00:11:02,474 --> 00:11:08,378
Oh, Mr. Woodman,
you're such a scamp.
247
00:11:08,461 --> 00:11:09,723
No, we're serious.
248
00:11:09,723 --> 00:11:12,187
We would like
to volunteer our services
249
00:11:12,188 --> 00:11:14,911
to be the alternate judges
in the talent show.
250
00:11:14,912 --> 00:11:17,896
Ha, ha, you can't be judges!
251
00:11:17,896 --> 00:11:20,246
You gotta mark a ballot.
252
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:23,150
I know you're not
up to the X's yet.
253
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,437
- Oh, Ms. Tremaine, hi!
- Hi.
254
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,907
We would like to
volunteer our services to be
255
00:11:35,907 --> 00:11:39,519
the alternate judges
in the talent show.
256
00:11:39,602 --> 00:11:40,984
Why do we need alternate judges?
257
00:11:40,984 --> 00:11:42,175
Uh, you talk, talk.
258
00:11:42,220 --> 00:11:44,104
Suppose somethin' happened
to the regular judges?
259
00:11:44,184 --> 00:11:46,689
You can't have a talent
show without judges.
260
00:11:46,708 --> 00:11:50,877
We're havin' it without talent.
261
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,879
Yeah, but, uh, if you
didn't have any judges
262
00:11:54,962 --> 00:11:56,505
than you wouldn't
have any winners
263
00:11:56,505 --> 00:11:59,348
and then you'd have to have
the talent show all over again.
264
00:11:59,431 --> 00:12:01,531
All over again?
265
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:05,902
Congratulations,
alternate judge number one
266
00:12:05,985 --> 00:12:08,167
alternate judge number two.
267
00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:10,352
Be in the auditorium
Friday night
268
00:12:10,434 --> 00:12:12,675
and wear old clothes.
269
00:12:16,706 --> 00:12:19,100
If you like it,
you mark an X over here
270
00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:21,232
and if you don't,
you mark an X over there.
271
00:12:21,253 --> 00:12:23,407
It ain't that deep.
272
00:12:26,657 --> 00:12:28,720
Alright, now,
everybody settle down.
273
00:12:28,803 --> 00:12:31,067
How did you get rid
of the other judges?
274
00:12:31,147 --> 00:12:32,366
I just told
the football team who put
275
00:12:32,429 --> 00:12:33,865
the itching powder
in their uniforms.
276
00:12:33,931 --> 00:12:35,391
What?
277
00:12:35,486 --> 00:12:39,956
Oh, I get it!
278
00:12:40,039 --> 00:12:41,942
The sooner we get
this show started
279
00:12:41,942 --> 00:12:45,140
the sooner we
can get it over with.
280
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,216
Alright, now, I'm about
to introduce to you the judges
281
00:12:47,216 --> 00:12:50,558
but before I do,
just remember this one thing
282
00:12:50,641 --> 00:12:55,685
these people are
human beings just like me
283
00:12:55,768 --> 00:12:57,950
and one or two of you.
284
00:12:59,221 --> 00:13:02,354
Now, our judges
are Wilbur Murray.
285
00:13:02,437 --> 00:13:04,537
Stand up, Wilbur.
286
00:13:06,001 --> 00:13:08,042
Listen, what happened to
the other two judges?
287
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:09,605
Well, they were
just itchin' to be here
288
00:13:09,687 --> 00:13:12,732
but they just couldn't make it.
289
00:13:12,815 --> 00:13:14,898
I don't know about you two.
There's somethin' smelly here.
290
00:13:14,981 --> 00:13:18,614
You think somethin' smells
now, wait 'till the show starts.
291
00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:23,452
Alright, now, these are
our two alternate judges.
292
00:13:23,535 --> 00:13:25,603
This one is Beau De Labarre.
293
00:13:25,686 --> 00:13:27,165
[crowd booing]
294
00:13:27,248 --> 00:13:28,680
Alright, all quiet now.
295
00:13:28,763 --> 00:13:30,863
Sit down, Beau, go sit down.
296
00:13:31,386 --> 00:13:35,006
And this is Arnold Horshack.
297
00:13:35,089 --> 00:13:37,173
Quiet, will you be
quiet, Arnold, stop that!
298
00:13:37,256 --> 00:13:38,716
Sit down!
299
00:13:40,771 --> 00:13:43,501
Now, they're gonna
be fair and square.
300
00:13:43,584 --> 00:13:47,234
I'll certainly be fair. We all
know how square Arnold is.
301
00:13:47,235 --> 00:13:51,555
Beau De Labarre, I'm tellin' you
to sit down, now sit down.
302
00:13:51,555 --> 00:13:53,573
Alright, now on with our show.
303
00:13:53,573 --> 00:13:58,677
For our first contestants,
we have the Bonnavittacola
304
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,179
dancing girls.
305
00:14:00,261 --> 00:14:03,605
They are Terry, Linda and Carol.
306
00:14:03,688 --> 00:14:06,350
And they are going
to do for you their version
307
00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:08,226
of the nutcracker suite.
308
00:14:08,236 --> 00:14:13,302
They're gonna do
this all on pogo sticks.
309
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:16,105
You're gonna love some of this.
310
00:14:17,093 --> 00:14:19,099
[crowd booing]
311
00:14:19,182 --> 00:14:21,756
Stop it, stop it, stop it!
312
00:14:21,756 --> 00:14:23,805
Cut that out.
Put that tomato down.
313
00:14:23,888 --> 00:14:25,348
Stop it!
314
00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:30,721
You go to the nurse.
315
00:14:32,722 --> 00:14:36,791
Alright now, for act number 23.
316
00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:39,493
We have a mind reading duo here
317
00:14:39,515 --> 00:14:42,583
called Medium and Rare.
318
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:55,345
Everybody now, I wanna
introduce everybody over here
319
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,169
to the great swamy.
320
00:14:58,252 --> 00:15:02,036
But first, I gotta
blindfold him.
321
00:15:05,063 --> 00:15:08,144
Oh, great swamy,
are you blindfolded?
322
00:15:08,227 --> 00:15:10,348
- Right.
- Alright, okay.
323
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:14,133
Now, everybody, the swamy,
he's gonna baffle your minds
324
00:15:14,216 --> 00:15:19,684
with feats of extra sensory
perception and mind readin'.
325
00:15:19,684 --> 00:15:21,584
Okay now, swamy, you ready?
326
00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:23,767
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
327
00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:27,373
Come here, baby.
328
00:15:27,456 --> 00:15:29,460
Okay now, swamy,
I got a volunteer
329
00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:30,680
from out of the audience.
330
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,586
Now, tell me, swamy,
with your great mind
331
00:15:33,669 --> 00:15:36,606
is she male or female?
332
00:15:40,845 --> 00:15:43,013
He's female!
333
00:15:43,096 --> 00:15:44,945
Fantastic! What do you think?
334
00:15:46,075 --> 00:15:47,535
That's right!
335
00:15:49,325 --> 00:15:50,846
Swamy, okay now,
okay, now this girl
336
00:15:50,846 --> 00:15:52,789
she has something on her wrist.
337
00:15:52,809 --> 00:15:55,921
And believe me, you'll
get this in no time.
338
00:15:58,956 --> 00:16:01,401
- A hat?
- No, no, look.
339
00:16:01,484 --> 00:16:03,225
She's got
somethin' on her wrist.
340
00:16:03,227 --> 00:16:05,989
- Handcuffs.
- No, no, no, swamy.
341
00:16:06,072 --> 00:16:07,048
Now, think, think!
342
00:16:07,131 --> 00:16:09,856
Now, come on now, listen up.
343
00:16:09,939 --> 00:16:13,582
The seconds are tickin' away.
344
00:16:13,665 --> 00:16:16,548
So, watch out.
345
00:16:20,589 --> 00:16:22,049
Watch out?
346
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,233
Watch out?
347
00:16:24,574 --> 00:16:27,969
Watch... Watch... Watch...
348
00:16:28,052 --> 00:16:30,254
On her wrist, she wears a watch!
349
00:16:30,267 --> 00:16:32,638
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
350
00:16:32,721 --> 00:16:34,821
The swamy,
the swamy knows, he knows.
351
00:16:37,876 --> 00:16:38,677
Come on, come on, give me
somethin' tougher
352
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:39,660
give me somethin' tougher.
353
00:16:39,661 --> 00:16:41,785
Okay, now, swamy, this chick now
354
00:16:41,785 --> 00:16:44,062
she's got somethin' on her foot.
355
00:16:44,145 --> 00:16:45,605
Ew!
356
00:16:48,003 --> 00:16:49,135
Come here now, swamy.
357
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:52,844
This is gonna be a real shoe-in.
358
00:16:52,884 --> 00:16:54,647
Now, swamy, if you don't
get this, you gonna feel
359
00:16:54,647 --> 00:17:00,349
like a heel, so, please
don't be a loafer.
360
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:04,398
Come on, Freddie,
give me some clues.
361
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:06,984
Come on now, swamy, think,
think with all your heart
362
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,625
and soul.
363
00:17:10,888 --> 00:17:11,687
Soul?
364
00:17:11,771 --> 00:17:13,629
- Soul, I have it!
- Uh-huh!
365
00:17:13,713 --> 00:17:17,215
On her foot, she wears a fish!
366
00:17:18,039 --> 00:17:21,063
I know, the swamy, he knows!
367
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,684
Hey, what's the matter with you?
368
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:26,088
You did it real
good in rehearsal!
369
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,281
In rehearsal, I didn't
have to wear a blindfold!
370
00:17:28,363 --> 00:17:30,931
Hey, let's get out of here.
371
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,716
The swamy will return!
372
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,260
Settle down.
373
00:17:36,752 --> 00:17:40,635
For the final act
of the evening...
374
00:17:40,718 --> 00:17:43,409
[crowd cheering]
375
00:17:43,493 --> 00:17:44,591
Alright, alright.
376
00:17:44,675 --> 00:17:49,525
We will have songs
from the sewer by Carvelli.
377
00:17:58,317 --> 00:18:01,220
Thank you very much
for that round of appeal.
378
00:18:03,438 --> 00:18:06,161
It's time for my friend
and compatriot, Oyster.
379
00:18:06,244 --> 00:18:07,424
He's over there, Oyster,
can we have a round
380
00:18:07,507 --> 00:18:10,087
of applause for Oyster, please?
381
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:12,206
Thank you very much.
382
00:18:12,290 --> 00:18:14,012
Oyster's telling
me something now.
383
00:18:14,095 --> 00:18:15,257
Oyster's gonna be a mother.
384
00:18:15,257 --> 00:18:16,596
Look at this, ladies
and gentlemen.
385
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,419
Little oysters.
386
00:18:21,645 --> 00:18:24,494
It's alright, she
already has two kids.
387
00:18:26,811 --> 00:18:28,952
I'm gonna change
a three of clubs
388
00:18:29,034 --> 00:18:31,671
to a one and a half of clubs.
389
00:18:38,402 --> 00:18:42,035
And right now, watch
again as I tear it up.
390
00:18:44,012 --> 00:18:46,413
Now, as I tear this up,
many things are probably
391
00:18:46,496 --> 00:18:47,635
going through your mind.
392
00:18:47,718 --> 00:18:51,823
I wish I could say
the same for myself.
393
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:55,585
And now, my impression
of a parade.
394
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,039
[crowd booing]
395
00:19:01,001 --> 00:19:02,922
I ordered soup.
396
00:19:07,874 --> 00:19:10,942
This first song,
it's called lunch.
397
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:14,633
It's dedicated to dirt.
398
00:19:20,807 --> 00:19:27,639
♪ I was born in the gutter,
that's why I'm so smelly ♪
399
00:19:27,727 --> 00:19:30,603
♪ I don't like peanut butter ♪
400
00:19:30,686 --> 00:19:33,650
♪ Unless it's smooshed
with jelly ♪
401
00:19:33,733 --> 00:19:36,566
♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪
402
00:19:36,649 --> 00:19:39,525
♪ That's all I put in my belly ♪
403
00:19:39,608 --> 00:19:42,600
♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪
404
00:19:42,683 --> 00:19:45,559
♪ That's all I put in
my belly, everybody ♪
405
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:48,736
♪ Peanut butter and jelly ♪
406
00:19:48,819 --> 00:19:51,435
♪ That's all I put in my belly ♪
407
00:19:51,518 --> 00:19:55,351
♪ I'm a peanut butter
and jelly kind of guy ♪
408
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:59,634
♪ Peanut butter
and jelly on rye ♪♪
409
00:20:02,833 --> 00:20:05,205
[crowd cheering]
410
00:20:08,993 --> 00:20:09,893
Alright, here we go.
411
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,423
This is called
412
00:20:11,506 --> 00:20:12,966
Carvelli's theme.
413
00:20:15,336 --> 00:20:17,577
♪ My name's Carvelli ♪
414
00:20:18,774 --> 00:20:20,710
♪ I live in New York ♪
415
00:20:21,602 --> 00:20:23,566
♪ I'm so mean and nasty ♪
416
00:20:23,649 --> 00:20:26,499
♪ I eat my soup with a fork ♪♪
417
00:20:46,690 --> 00:20:48,757
Quiet, you're throwin' me off.
418
00:21:02,441 --> 00:21:04,812
[crowd cheering]
419
00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:11,227
Thank you.
420
00:21:11,510 --> 00:21:14,512
Thank you, thank you.
421
00:21:17,164 --> 00:21:20,749
Alright, quiet down now,
quiet down.
422
00:21:20,829 --> 00:21:24,855
It's now time for the decision
of the judges.
423
00:21:24,938 --> 00:21:28,050
We have one vote for Carvelli.
424
00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:35,270
One vote for Medium and Rare.
425
00:21:35,279 --> 00:21:37,972
And one vote for Carvelli.
426
00:21:37,972 --> 00:21:40,735
The winner is Carvelli.
427
00:21:46,408 --> 00:21:48,937
I'm telling you, I've seen shows
on Broadway that were worse.
428
00:21:49,019 --> 00:21:52,026
I can't believe this, guys.
429
00:21:52,109 --> 00:21:53,569
Hi.
430
00:21:54,819 --> 00:21:56,994
So, um, what happened, friends?
431
00:21:57,077 --> 00:21:58,537
Yeah, pals?
432
00:21:59,983 --> 00:22:02,082
You guys stank.
433
00:22:03,554 --> 00:22:04,515
I mean really stink.
434
00:22:04,515 --> 00:22:06,034
I mean, whoa!
435
00:22:06,118 --> 00:22:08,716
Alright, I get the picture.
436
00:22:08,799 --> 00:22:10,682
Yeah, I got where
you comin' from.
437
00:22:10,765 --> 00:22:12,804
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
438
00:22:12,888 --> 00:22:16,570
If you voted for Carvelli,
and you voted for Carvelli,
439
00:22:16,653 --> 00:22:18,285
who voted for us?
440
00:22:18,368 --> 00:22:20,010
- I did!
- You?
441
00:22:20,093 --> 00:22:22,999
Yeah, you were terrific.
442
00:22:23,082 --> 00:22:25,106
Epstein here figured
out that she was a girl
443
00:22:25,106 --> 00:22:27,545
and was wearin' a watch.
444
00:22:27,629 --> 00:22:30,349
Epstein, you a great swamy.
445
00:22:37,121 --> 00:22:38,862
Alright, you guys, come on,
get that sound system put up.
446
00:22:38,946 --> 00:22:41,009
And get these
chairs all folded up.
447
00:22:41,049 --> 00:22:43,553
I'd like to get outta
here by 10 o'clock.
448
00:22:43,553 --> 00:22:47,655
Hey, listen, I'm really
kind of proud of you guys.
449
00:22:47,738 --> 00:22:50,199
I mean, I like the way you
stuck up for your friends
450
00:22:50,282 --> 00:22:54,247
but you were honest with them
and honest with yourselves, too.
451
00:22:54,267 --> 00:22:57,774
We did all that?
452
00:22:57,858 --> 00:23:00,219
Hello there, Mr. Woodman.
How'd you like the talent show?
453
00:23:00,302 --> 00:23:02,658
- It was too short.
- Too short?
454
00:23:02,742 --> 00:23:08,129
Yeah, I got four
rotten eggs left over.
455
00:23:08,213 --> 00:23:10,497
Good night, you guys,
I'm sorry you didn't win.
456
00:23:10,497 --> 00:23:12,499
You gonna do somethin'
different next year?
457
00:23:12,580 --> 00:23:14,082
Nah, I kinda liked this act,
you know, the blindfold
458
00:23:14,082 --> 00:23:18,570
protects my eyes
against the tomatoes.
459
00:23:18,653 --> 00:23:22,734
With your act, you oughta give
the blindfolds to the audience.
460
00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:24,119
I'm tellin' ya, man,
we shoulda stuck with the act
461
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,064
that we did last
year, that works.
462
00:23:26,084 --> 00:23:30,351
Oh, yes, it was called
the hustle, bustle, rustle
463
00:23:30,351 --> 00:23:35,721
bump, lump, grind, rock,
sock, lock and boogie.
464
00:23:35,721 --> 00:23:39,072
It sounds like somethin'
that happens to my car.
465
00:23:39,155 --> 00:23:41,119
Let Freddie and I
illustrate it for you.
466
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:46,184
Freddie, if you would, one,
a two, a one, two three four.
467
00:23:46,185 --> 00:23:48,822
♪ Ba, da, da, da, da, da ♪♪
468
00:23:48,823 --> 00:23:53,883
[eggs crushing] Oh!
469
00:23:57,127 --> 00:23:58,587
♪♪
470
00:24:04,221 --> 00:24:06,924
♪ Welcome back ♪
471
00:24:07,007 --> 00:24:10,667
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
472
00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:12,799
♪ Welcome back ♪
473
00:24:12,882 --> 00:24:17,804
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
474
00:24:17,887 --> 00:24:22,113
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
475
00:24:22,196 --> 00:24:24,114
♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪
476
00:24:24,197 --> 00:24:26,726
♪ And they've turned around ♪
477
00:24:26,809 --> 00:24:28,815
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
478
00:24:28,898 --> 00:24:30,427
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
479
00:24:30,509 --> 00:24:32,602
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
480
00:24:32,685 --> 00:24:34,777
♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪
481
00:24:34,860 --> 00:24:38,912
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
482
00:24:38,995 --> 00:24:41,175
♪ Welcome back ♪
483
00:24:41,258 --> 00:24:45,484
♪ Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back ♪
484
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,704
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
485
00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:50,446
♪ Welcome back ♪
486
00:24:50,529 --> 00:24:54,188
♪ We always could spot
a friend ♪
487
00:24:54,271 --> 00:24:56,669
♪ Welcome back ♪
488
00:24:56,752 --> 00:25:01,370
♪ And I smile when I think
how you must've been ♪
489
00:25:01,453 --> 00:25:03,585
♪ And I know what a scene ♪♪
35876
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