All language subtitles for Welcome.Back.Kotter.S02E14.Carusos.Way.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

- Julie.
- What?

Did I ever tell you
about my uncle

who was an inventor?

No, what did he invent?

Well, he invented
a new deodorant.

Hm, what was it called?

Invisible.

Why was it called
"Invisible?"

Because if you put
this deodorant on

you would disappear.

Smell would stay the same...

...but nobody knew
where it was coming from.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay, anybody have a question
about the war of 1812?

Yeah, when did it start?

[laughter]

1492.

I don't know what's the matter
with you people today.

It's like your brains
are absent.

Speaking about brains
being absent, where's Barbarino?

Uh, Vinnie came out
with some wisecracks

during gym class,
so Caruso wanted to have

you know, a little chit-chat
with him afterwards.

- What did Vinnie say?
- Well, you know Vinnie.

He was clowning around
during gymnastics

he got up
on the side horse

and he was trying to do
his Barbarino dance.

♪ I said ba ba ba
ba Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba ba ba... ♪♪

Epstein!

Epstein, I get the picture.

It's a lucky thing
he didn't break a leg.

- Oh, he did.
- What?

Not Vinnie. He broke a leg
on the side horse.

So, Mr. Caruso
told Vinnie

to take the horse
to woodshop and fix it.

And then he said

"Why don't we just shoot it?"

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

So, Mr. Caruso,
he gets all red in the face

and he says,
"I want to see you

in my office after class!"

I'm surprised
that Caruso got upset

over one little wisecrack.

Oh, see, I think it was what
Vinnie said to him yesterday.

Caruso got real mad
when Vinnie told him to

"Go blow it out his whistle."

And on Tuesday, when Caruso told
Vinnie he took track in college

Vinnie said he was the only guy
to stop in the middle

of the race and ask
for directions.

[laughter]

Well, well, well, well, well.

If it isn't
Vinnie Youngman.

[Arnold] Hey, Vinnie, what happened
with you and Mr. Caruso?

Nothing happened.

What was you teaching
when I walked in?

Go back to teaching that thing.

Okay, let's get back
to the war of 1812.

[Juan] Well, I'd rather
hear about the war

between Vinnie and Mr. Caruso.

[all clamoring]

That's Vinnie's business.

I don't want to hear anything
else about what happened

in gym between Barbarino
and Mr. Caruso.

Oh, I'll tell 'em
about what happened in gym

between Barbarino
and Mr. Caruso.

Now there's a rumor
floating around

that Caruso clobbered Barbarino
outside his office

in full view
of the girls' gym class.

[all gasping]

[indistinct chatter]

Hold on!

Are you saying that Caruso
actually hit Vinnie?

That's what I'm trying
to establish.

Now, you know, Kotter,
there are rules

against hitting students,
even Sweathogs.

Why, I don't know.

Vinnie, is this true?
Did this actually happen?

No, it's not true.

Them girls must be
seeing things.

Now that's the right
attitude, Barbarino.

Uh, no visible bruises?

Good, that means
no student was struck

parents don't have
to come to school

and most of all

Principal Lazarus
can get off my donkey.

[bell ringing]

Alright, alright,
see you tomorrow.

Read that chapter
on the war of 1812.

We already done that.

Then read chapter 14 again.

[all groan]

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

He's fine, he's fine.

Okay, Vinnie, you want to
tell us what really happened?

[Freddie] What's happening, man,
what's the problem?

What is to tell?

Look, I was in
the office, right?

And Caruso was chewing me out
about wisecracking all week.

So I go, I say,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"

and I walk out the door,
he turns around and he hits me.

Gee, Vinnie.

To get hit in front
of the girls' gym class.

By tonight, all of Brooklyn
is gonna know about this.

Are you kiddin'?

Those girls?

It'll be on
the seven o'clock news.

Now look, Vinnie,
I think we got a case here.

I'm gonna send you
to my brother's public offender.

He's with a big law firm

Shapiro, Shapiro,
and Whiplash.

Then we're gonna get Caruso
right by the gym shorts.

Alright!

So, Vinnie,
what are you gonna do?

Don't worry about it, I'm-I'm,
I'm planning a strategy

right now,
right while we're talking.

Yeah, like which fist
he's gonna use first.

Yeah.

Ambush or broad daylight?

Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen

I think you have
another class to go to

because I have another
one coming in here

so why don't you
cool down

and give Mr. Barbarino
a chance to cool down?

- That's fine.
- Alright.

- Be brave, little soldier.
- Yup.

You do what you gotta do,
Vinnie.

Yeah, it ain't nothin' to it,
a baby can do it.

[Julie] Honey, would you get the door?

I got the refrigerator door,
you get the front door.

[Julie groans]

Hi, Mrs. Kotter,
how you doin'?

I just have a little cold,
I'm okay.

That's good.

Listen, I'm sorry
I barged in on you like this

but, you know.

Oh, it's alright.

Listen, we were
expecting you.

Mr. Kotter told me
all about it, Vinnie.

Hey, did you guys
watch the news tonight?

Was there anything
about me and Caruso in it?

No, but they broke
right into the middle

of bowling for dentures.

"Caruso clouts Barbarino,
film at 11."

Are you kiddin'?

Yes, Vinnie, he's kidding.

I'm kidding, Vinnie,
come on, you want a soda?

Yeah, I'd love a soda,
what kind you got?

Let's see, we got, uh,
Pepsi, grape, orange

strawberry, raspberry,
and non-carbonated.

You got root beer?

Got Pepsi, grape, orange

raspberry, strawberry,
and non-carbonated.

No root beer?

Pepsi... grape... orange...

...strawberry... raspberry

non-carbonated.

I like root beer.

- Small or diet?
- I'll have a Pepsi.

Have a Pepsi.
Well, how'd it go today?

Terrible. I've been getting
calls all day long.

My brother, he called me

he said he's been dishonored.

He's changing his name
to Lefkowitz.

[chuckles] It's really stupid, ain't it?

Lefkowitz Barbarino?

Come on, Vinnie, sit down.

Look, you got a problem,
and we're gonna work on it

solve it.

But you gotta tell me

that you're not seriously
thinking of hitting him.

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter,
I'm beyond that now.

I'm happy to hear
you say that, Vinnie.

I'm gonna borrow my uncle's
cement truck and run him over.

Vinnie!

It was a joke,
Mrs. Kotter, just a joke.

Vinnie, be serious.

Don't let yourself
get pushed into hitting him.

If you do, you could get
thrown out of school.

Oh, come on,
that's some choice.

If I hit him, I get thrown
out of school, right?

If I don't hit him,
I get laughed out of school.

What if I wait till I graduate,
then I hit him?

Come on, Vinnie, you think
you can wait 15 years?

[sarcastically laughs]
Boy, you're funny today,
aren't you?

Boy, everybody's on my case
today, can't believe it.

Oh, Vinnie, I'm sure
that your friends

understand the situation
that you're in.

No, I don't-I don't think so,
Mrs. Kotter.

I mean, all they know
is that Vinnie Barbarino

got slapped around.

I feel like nothin'!

I feel like a crumb!

- Did you ever feel that way?
- Oh, no, Vinnie, wait.

You're asking
for one of his stories.

Let me tell you
what happened once.

Too late.

There was this
friend of mine...

Bonzo Moretti.

...Bonzo Moretti.

Now, Bonzo was
just like you.

Bonzo was bigger than you,
and one day, Caruso, boom

slaps him, right?

Bonzo had the same problem
as you had.

He knew that if he hit
Caruso back

he'd get thrown
out of school

and that would really
affect his family

especially his mother.

Yeah, so what happened?

Well, Bonzo decided
that his family

was more important
than any revenge

so he never laid a hand
on Caruso.

Is that it,
is that the story?

No, there's more.

Bonzo's mother found out
what happened anyway

and she went to school
the next week

and hit Caruso
with an Italian salami.

Nah, my mother
would never hit nobody.

She just prays, you know?

Like she'd pray that Caruso
would have an accident.

Vinnie, do me a favor.

Promise me you won't do anything
in school tomorrow.

[scoffs] Well, I haven't done
anything for two years.

What should make tomorrow
any different?

Look, just give me 24 hours.

I'll try and solve your problem.

Nah, I don't think
I could do that.

I'll give you
to the same time tomorrow.

[Julie] Look...

Vinnie, Mr. Kotter
will handle things

I know that he'll do
the right thing.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I hope.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, could I
talk to you for a minute?

[Julie] Sure, Vinnie.

Look, now, um...

...I don't want to tell you how
to run your household or nothin'

but people do like root beer.

Bye, Vinnie.

Now, look,
it don't matter what kind.

Draft, regular...

See you later, Vinnie.
Have a nice night.

And Danish,
a nice Danish.

You drink, you drink the root
beer, you eat the Danish...

- Bye.
- Good time, right?

- Tomorrow.
- Bye, Vinnie.

[theme music]

Oh, you're brown-bagging it
again, huh, Kotter?

What's the matter,
cafeteria too expensive?

- Have a grape, Mr. Woodman.
- Thank you.

I think I'm gonna be
brown-bagging a lot

after that lunch yesterday.

Oh, you mean
the roast leg of surprise?

Roast leg of surprise.

That's the stupidest idea
I've ever heard of in my life.

Well, I enjoyed it very much.

Mine had a toy whistle in it.

Mr. Pearlman was
the lucky one though.

He got a complete set
of luggage.

Go ahead, have some more
grapes, go ahead.

Alright.

Mr. Woodman, let me give you
a hypothetical situation.

Suppose two of your teachers
had a confrontation.

What would you do?

I'd probably fire you.

Can I have my grapes back?

Who's the other teacher?

Mr. Caruso.

Oh, that's different.

I'd definitely fire you.

Mr. Woodman, I don't know why
everybody's afraid of Caruso.

I mean, everyone knows
his methods are wrong

but nobody does
anything about it.

He's an ordinary man,
Mr. Woodman.

Try to imagine him
in his underwear.

Oh, you're sick.

Sick, Kotter!

- Oh, hello, Lou.
- Hi, Mr. Woodman.

You know, Lou,
in the twenty-odd years

I've known you,
I never once tried

to imagine you
in your underwear.

Well, I think Woodman's
gone over the edge, Kotter.

Yup, the old pilot light's
gone out.

I think it's just
a gas leak.

Yeah, maybe.

Anyway, I had a note in my box
you wanted to see me.

What's on your mind?

Lou, how long
we known each other?

Fifteen, sixteen years?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, you and your friend, Bozo.

Bonzo!

Bonzo.

He was the one
who had that wacky mother.

She hit me with
a salami once. Remember?

Well, she felt bad,
you know, you hit her kid.

How'd you feel when she hit you
with the salami?

Greasy.

Lou, that's what I want
to talk to you about.

Hitting kids.

Namely one
Vinnie Barbarino.

Now, look, Gabe.

I like you,
we get along just fine.

Let's keep it that way.

You work your way,
I'll work mine, okay?

Lou, when I was a student

and I heard
that you punched a kid

it bothered me.

Now that I'm a teacher,
it bothers me a lot more.

Especially when
they're my kids.

Now, listen, Gabe,
this is a tough school

with tough kids.

I teach in the best way
I know how.

Once in a while, one of them
gets a little too fresh

and I might slap
one of them.

Slap now, not punch.

It's nothing, anyway.

It was something
to Barbarino.

Barbarino?

Oh, Gabe, let me tell you
about this Barbarino.

Now, all week long, that kid

has been making wisecracks
in my class

but yesterday,
he went nuts on me.

He jumped up on top
of a side horse

and starts hollering
out his name.

♪ Ba ba ba Barbarino ♪♪

I swear, there's something
wrong with that boy, Gabe.

Anyway, I took him
into my office

for a little talk, you know?
I said, "Now, listen, kid

I don't want to hear any more
of those wisecracks."

He said, "What?"
Now he talks.

I said, "The wisecracks
you've been making all week."

He said, "Where?"

I said, "In the gym."
he said, "Why?"

Gabe, this thing
was driving me crazy.

Anyway, all of a sudden,
he just gets up and walks out.

Well, I gave a little shot,
didn't even hurt him.

Anyway, then he turned
around and said

"What'd you do that for?"

So, just like him,
I said, "What?"

He said,
"What'd you hit me for?"

I said, "Where?"

And then he just left.

It's nothin', look,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Lou!

Slapping, punching,
it's no way

to get through to a kid.

It's just wrong.

Plus you were indiscreet,
you slapped him

right in front
of a girls' gym class.

Yeah, well, it wasn't
supposed to happen that way.

Well, it did.

Vinnie's gonna do
something about it

not because
he wants to

he feels he has to.

Come on, now, Gabe,
just what is he gonna do?

Lou, I don't think
you understand.

You humiliated him.

He's a street kid.

He's not a scholar,
he's not an athlete.

He's got his pride,
his position.

You take that away from him,
what's he got left?

His big mouth,
that's what he's got left.

What do you want me to do
anyway, apologize?

Yes, I want you
to come to my class

this afternoon,
I'm gonna have Vinnie

say he's sorry
for making the wisecracks

and I want you to say
you're sorry for hitting him.

Now, wait a minute, Gabe.

Look, I'm sorry that the girls
saw what happened

but really now, come on

don't ask me to apologize
in front of a class

especially this class.

Listen, Gabe

I've been in this school
28 years.

I got my pride,
I got my position.

- Your what?
- My pride, my...

Like Vinnie Barbarino?

Listen, Gabe,
I'm a good teacher.

Those kids respect me.

Lou, they fear you.

Come here this afternoon
and give them a chance

to respect you.

Okay.

Okay, Gabe.

Vinnie, Vinnie.

How'd it go in gym today?

I didn't go.

I wasn't gonna spend
40 minutes in that class.

Hey, your time is up.
What'd you do?

Vinnie, I think
I solved your problem.

Caruso is coming
to our class today.

What?
What did I cut gym for?

Listen, I made a deal.

When he comes in, I want you
to apologize to him.

- Then I'm gonna...
- That's some deal.

I get hit, and I gotta
apologize to him?

It's a good thing
I didn't give you 48 hours.

You'd have me
painting his garage.

- Let me finish, okay?
- Alright.

Now after you apologize to him,
he's gonna say

that he's sorry
for hitting you.

Yeah?

You're kiddin'.

In this class right over here,
the Sweathogs?

Okay, then you're gonna
shake hands with the man

and the whole thing
is gonna be over, okay?

W-wait a minute,
let me think about it.

Alright, let me think.

He comes in the class
and I say to him I'm sorry

and the guys go, "Whoa,
I can't believe it," right?

And then he says to me,
"I'm sorry for hitting you."

And the kids go, "Wow!"

Alright, I'll do it.

Hey, Vinnie, Vinnie, didn't see
in gym class, did we, guys?

No, no, that's because
Vinnie didn't want

to meet up
with another right...

...from Mr. Caruso.

Oh, come on, you guys.

I do not blame Vinnie
for being afraid.

Mr. Caruso
is a very brute person.

He's a bully,
and-and-and a meanie.

And here he is now!
Hello, Mr. Caruso!

Good afternoon, people.

Vinnie.

Um, Mr. Caruso,
I'd just like to say to you...

I'd like to say to you
that I'm sorry

for mouthing off
in gym all week.

I didn't hear that!
I hear nothing.

If I didn't hear that
with my own eyes

I wouldn't have
believed it.

Just wait a minute, would you?
Just wait a minute.

He's got something
to say to me, alright?

Okay, go ahead.

Lou, don't you have, uh,
anything to say?

Yeah, he's got
a lot to say.

Go ahead.

He's gonna say
that he's sorry that he hit me

and then he's gonna apologize
in front of the whole class.

Go on, say it, go ahead.

Oh, come on!

Say it!

Let's hear it, speak up!

A deal was made.

That's right, a deal was made,
and the deal was

that you were supposed to
apologize to me in this class

then I was supposed
to apologize to you

but I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, I don't believe this.

No, that's just
not my style, son.

My style is to settle this
like a man.

[all gasping]

What?

Settle it, that's what.

Where?

Right here.

When?

Right now.
Stand up, Barbarino.

Come over here.

- Lou, what are you doing?
- Ju... Relax, will you, Gabe?

Relax.

Alright now, Barbarino.

I challenge you
to arm wrestle.

[all clamoring]

You're in shape. Alright.

It's a good thing
you told me "arm wrestling"

I was getting scared
over there.

I didn't want to hurt you.

You know, my hands,
they're registered.

At every drive-in
in Brooklyn.

[laughter]

Well, okay, wise guy

let's go,
let's see what you got.

Oh!

Dueling forearms!

- How macho!
- Alright.

Alright, now, look,
I'm gonna hold your hands.

Now, when I count to three,
you start to go, okay?

Now, brace yourselves.
One, two, three.

[all shouting]

Hey, look, look, look!

- There's Woodman!
- Hey!

[indistinct chatter]

Vinnie, come on, come on.

You do this right,
whether you win or lose.

- Alright.
- Put your arm up there.

Now, you don't use this arm,
and you stay on the floor, okay?

Alright, I lost my head
for a second.

- Alright.
- Alright.

One, two, three,
go ahead.

[all shouting]

[all cheering]

Well, you may be
a wise guy, kid

but you got
a great forearm there.

Congratulations.

Yeah, well, you ain't so bad
yourself for an old man.

[laughter]

And listen, the rest
of you wise guys here

I'll see you in gym class
tomorrow and don't be late.

And, Vinnie, I'll mark you
present in gym class today.

He hit me again!

Hey, that was a little joke.

Alright.
See you tomorrow, kids.

[Freddie] You did good, man,
you did alright.

I gotta ask you
one question, Lou.

Did you let Vinnie beat you?

You're a hell
of a teacher, Gabe.

Put her there.

[groaning]

You know something, Gabe?

When you went to school here,
I taught you

but today, you taught me.

Well, I'll tell you something

you're a better student
than I was.

Listen, Gabe

everybody was a better student
than you were.

I'll see you later.

[theme music]

Julie, did I ever tell you
about what happened last year

when my Uncle Moe
went to Miami Beach?

No, go ahead.

Okay, my Uncle Moe's
in Miami Beach

and he's at the hotel, right,
staying at a hotel

he wants to go swimming,
so he goes down to the pool

he's about to jump in,
and a little old man

is sitting there
in a lounge chair, right

just getting his sun.

My Uncle Moe says to him

"Excuse me, sir,
how's the water?"

What did the old man say?

Old man says, "Lukewarm."

[Julie] Uh-huh...

So, Lou jumps
into the pool

and it's freezing,
it's like polar bear time.

Ice, right? He swims as fast
as he can to the other side

he gets out, he's cold

he goes up to the old man

he says,
"How could you tell me...

[shivering]

...that that water
was lukewarm?"

The old man said,
"Well, I don't know

looked warm to me."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where
we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪♪