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1
00:00:00,886 --> 00:00:02,346
- Julie.
- Honey.
2
00:00:02,539 --> 00:00:04,938
- You forgot your lunch again.
- My lunch again!
3
00:00:05,021 --> 00:00:06,853
Well, as long as you're here
4
00:00:06,936 --> 00:00:08,246
I'll tell you about
one of my uncles.
5
00:00:08,329 --> 00:00:09,789
[huffs] Terrific.
6
00:00:11,155 --> 00:00:13,074
My Uncle Jonas, he was a doctor.
7
00:00:13,157 --> 00:00:14,412
Okay.
8
00:00:14,496 --> 00:00:16,399
What kind of doctor was he?
9
00:00:16,482 --> 00:00:18,520
A very strange doctor.
10
00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,526
One time, this guy came in to
his office Uncle Jonas says
11
00:00:21,609 --> 00:00:24,003
"Stick out your tongue
and go to the window!"
12
00:00:24,031 --> 00:00:26,182
The guy sticks out his tongue.
13
00:00:26,265 --> 00:00:28,487
Goes to the window.
14
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,373
He's standing for about five
minutes looks back at my uncle
15
00:00:30,373 --> 00:00:32,016
he says, "Will this help me?"
16
00:00:32,016 --> 00:00:35,987
My uncle said, "No, but I'm mad
at the guy across the street."
17
00:00:37,968 --> 00:00:41,385
[theme song]
18
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:48,330
♪ Welcome back ♪
19
00:00:48,413 --> 00:00:52,074
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
20
00:00:52,157 --> 00:00:54,294
♪ Welcome back ♪
21
00:00:54,377 --> 00:00:58,950
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
22
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:03,303
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
23
00:01:03,386 --> 00:01:07,742
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
24
00:01:07,825 --> 00:01:10,355
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
25
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,095
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
26
00:01:12,178 --> 00:01:14,314
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
27
00:01:14,397 --> 00:01:16,317
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
28
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:20,539
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
29
00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:22,584
♪ Welcome back ♪
30
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:27,933
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪
31
00:01:30,980 --> 00:01:33,656
[theme music]
32
00:01:43,427 --> 00:01:44,841
Hi there.
33
00:01:45,965 --> 00:01:49,907
Freddie Boom Boom, the dry look.
34
00:01:53,393 --> 00:01:54,853
There, perfect.
35
00:01:56,386 --> 00:01:58,325
Why'd you do that for?
36
00:01:58,408 --> 00:02:00,975
Oh, you see, Freddie,
I like it to look messy
37
00:02:00,991 --> 00:02:03,494
like I didn't have to do
nothin' and I happen to look
38
00:02:03,494 --> 00:02:05,692
this cute just by accident.
39
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,155
Hey, listen to what somebody
wrote on the wall.
40
00:02:14,126 --> 00:02:17,913
"Sincere sensitive
cultured young man
41
00:02:17,950 --> 00:02:23,055
"seeks meaningful relationship
with trashy blonde.
42
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:28,934
Must have references."
43
00:02:30,279 --> 00:02:33,419
Well, what kind of a loser would
write something like that?
44
00:02:33,502 --> 00:02:34,809
Me.
45
00:02:34,892 --> 00:02:37,481
[school bell rings]
46
00:02:37,829 --> 00:02:39,287
Gentlemen.
47
00:02:44,515 --> 00:02:45,656
Come on, that was the bell.
48
00:02:45,739 --> 00:02:47,359
Combing period is over.
49
00:02:47,442 --> 00:02:50,959
Can we go and do some work
on the inside of your heads?
50
00:02:51,042 --> 00:02:52,653
Come on, Mr. Kotter,
just a couple little
51
00:02:52,726 --> 00:02:54,730
last-minute touches
here, alright?
52
00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:56,404
You see, when you're
the sweathog heartthrob
53
00:02:56,413 --> 00:02:59,834
you got a responsibility
to look perfect.
54
00:02:59,917 --> 00:03:04,087
Let's go, come on,
no more stalling, pronto!
55
00:03:04,169 --> 00:03:05,626
Hey, uh, Vinnie.
56
00:03:06,475 --> 00:03:08,657
If you keep teasing
your hair, your scalp
57
00:03:08,740 --> 00:03:11,683
is gonna leave you
for a hot-comb.
58
00:03:13,698 --> 00:03:15,091
Come on, come on.
59
00:03:15,174 --> 00:03:17,680
Yeah, come on, Juan,
we don't wanna be tardy.
60
00:03:17,684 --> 00:03:19,293
Alright, I'll be right with ya.
61
00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:21,719
As soon as I grab a smoke.
62
00:03:21,818 --> 00:03:25,305
Oh, Juan, Juan, Juan.
63
00:03:25,768 --> 00:03:27,182
[blows]
64
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:33,721
I am surprised at you!
65
00:03:33,804 --> 00:03:40,682
Don't you know that cigarette
smoking is against school rules?
66
00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,143
Ah!
67
00:03:44,221 --> 00:03:46,092
[coughs]
68
00:03:46,175 --> 00:03:48,297
So why don't you
report me, Arnold?
69
00:03:48,317 --> 00:03:50,155
- What? Report?
- Yeah, yeah.
70
00:03:50,238 --> 00:03:52,246
- Oh no!
- No!
71
00:03:52,329 --> 00:03:53,789
- No!
- No!
72
00:03:54,239 --> 00:03:58,222
I would never report you
for smoking, Juan.
73
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:03,310
What cigarette,
I don't see a cigarette.
74
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:06,335
Hello, Mr. Woodman
and Mr. Kotter.
75
00:04:07,753 --> 00:04:09,915
It smells like smoking,
it won't work, Epstein.
76
00:04:09,998 --> 00:04:11,703
I saw you with a cigarette.
77
00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:14,027
[toilet flushes]
78
00:04:17,306 --> 00:04:19,065
What cigarette?
79
00:04:19,149 --> 00:04:20,630
That cigarette.
80
00:04:20,730 --> 00:04:23,492
And I oughta make
you go after it.
81
00:04:24,491 --> 00:04:26,013
Come on, Epstein,
let's go, get outta there.
82
00:04:26,097 --> 00:04:27,718
Come on.
83
00:04:28,322 --> 00:04:29,698
When did you start smoking?
84
00:04:29,781 --> 00:04:31,381
What smokin', hey.
85
00:04:31,464 --> 00:04:35,207
I'm just enjoying a few moments
of privacy, you know?
86
00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:38,233
I mean, when you got nine
brothers and sisters like I got
87
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,235
the only time you get to use
the bathroom by yourself
88
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,312
is on your birthday.
89
00:04:42,395 --> 00:04:45,138
Nine brothers and sisters
living in the ghetto.
90
00:04:45,221 --> 00:04:47,571
Don't bother, Epstein,
that underprivileged kid stuff
91
00:04:47,623 --> 00:04:49,966
may work on Kotter,
but it won't work on me.
92
00:04:49,985 --> 00:04:51,404
Now remember,
you're talking to a man
93
00:04:51,487 --> 00:04:54,599
who hates "Captain Kangaroo!"
94
00:04:54,964 --> 00:04:56,265
I'm takin' you over
to principal Lazarus's office.
95
00:04:56,348 --> 00:04:58,911
Wait a second, I didn't even
get a chance to wash my hands!
96
00:04:58,911 --> 00:05:00,886
How about personal hygiene?
97
00:05:00,886 --> 00:05:04,927
[theme music]
98
00:05:06,861 --> 00:05:08,443
Principal Lazarus is
really gonna give it
99
00:05:08,443 --> 00:05:10,642
to Epstein this time,
you know, Kotter
100
00:05:10,726 --> 00:05:12,708
I haven't had this much fun
since I suspended
101
00:05:12,708 --> 00:05:16,591
a cheerleader for showing her
pom-poms to a rotary club.
102
00:05:18,287 --> 00:05:19,928
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jack.
103
00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:22,972
Look, there's no need to take
Woodman off restroom patrol.
104
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:26,681
It, uh, makes his day, you know?
105
00:05:26,681 --> 00:05:29,484
And by the way, Jack,
don't forget what I told you.
106
00:05:29,485 --> 00:05:32,855
This week, take the Jets
and the points!
107
00:05:32,855 --> 00:05:33,840
How'd you do, Juan?
108
00:05:33,841 --> 00:05:35,583
I'm free, I just got a warnin'.
109
00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:36,596
Well, alright.
110
00:05:36,679 --> 00:05:38,897
I just don't understand.
111
00:05:38,981 --> 00:05:41,178
Lazarus doesn't like anybody.
112
00:05:41,585 --> 00:05:43,685
Except Epstein. Why?
113
00:05:43,868 --> 00:05:45,969
Well, that's because, uh...
114
00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:48,366
Why is that?
115
00:05:48,450 --> 00:05:51,229
Well, that's because Jack
thinks of me like a son.
116
00:05:51,313 --> 00:05:52,914
Doesn't he have a son?
117
00:05:52,997 --> 00:05:54,476
Oh, yeah, Harold,
but Harold's a real
118
00:05:54,559 --> 00:05:56,302
disappointment to Jack,
you know?
119
00:05:56,322 --> 00:05:57,888
Since he moved to Oregon
and joined that
120
00:05:57,944 --> 00:06:00,044
vegetarian nudist colony.
121
00:06:01,549 --> 00:06:03,952
Oh, right, the vegetarian
nudists, I read about them.
122
00:06:04,036 --> 00:06:05,238
They have their own religion.
123
00:06:05,275 --> 00:06:09,820
They believe that after you die,
you return as a Cesar salad.
124
00:06:11,866 --> 00:06:14,128
A vegetarian nudist colony.
125
00:06:14,128 --> 00:06:15,586
Wow.
126
00:06:17,793 --> 00:06:19,675
I bet you could have
one wild weekend
127
00:06:19,675 --> 00:06:22,578
with just a couple of bottles
of Roquefort dressing.
128
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:25,058
Huh?
129
00:06:27,145 --> 00:06:30,849
What does that mean, that I can
get back into the dance?
130
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:32,945
It's not fair.
131
00:06:33,029 --> 00:06:34,811
I don't want much out of life.
132
00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:38,556
Just to transfer to
a school in Scarsdale...
133
00:06:38,639 --> 00:06:41,040
...and my real teeth back.
134
00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:44,960
Come on, Vinnie,
how about lunch, I'm buyin'.
135
00:06:45,044 --> 00:06:46,386
Uh, uh, Juan, wait a second.
136
00:06:46,386 --> 00:06:48,205
You know, just 'cause you didn't
get in trouble that's no reason
137
00:06:48,288 --> 00:06:50,584
you should smoke in school
or anyplace else.
138
00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:52,190
It's just not healthy.
139
00:06:52,273 --> 00:06:53,972
Yeah, well, that's
what principal Lazarus told me
140
00:06:54,055 --> 00:06:56,691
so I promised him
I was gonna quit.
141
00:06:56,794 --> 00:06:58,056
Good boy, Juan.
142
00:06:58,140 --> 00:06:59,698
- That's smart thinkin'.
- Yeah.
143
00:06:59,782 --> 00:07:01,542
Besides, I'm sure
sooner or later
144
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:04,156
you'll pick up
another bad habit.
145
00:07:04,239 --> 00:07:05,806
Look, are you sure about
the Jets and the points
146
00:07:05,890 --> 00:07:07,709
I bet 50 cents with Julia,
do you think you can--
147
00:07:07,791 --> 00:07:09,514
Hey, hey, look who
you're talking to, huh?
148
00:07:09,514 --> 00:07:10,677
Sure, the Jets a sure thing.
149
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,132
[theme music]
150
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,022
Freddie, I never tried
one of them things
151
00:07:16,105 --> 00:07:18,868
this fro comb, let me try that.
152
00:07:18,868 --> 00:07:20,282
Go ahead.
153
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,857
Ow!
154
00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:26,595
I guess it don't work
on Italian hair.
155
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:29,385
Hello, chaps!
156
00:07:37,385 --> 00:07:38,842
Oh.
157
00:07:40,426 --> 00:07:41,768
Smoke.
158
00:07:41,851 --> 00:07:45,974
Well, as they say, where
there's smoke, there's fire!
159
00:07:46,057 --> 00:07:47,843
Fire in the school!
160
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,801
Fire in the school!
161
00:07:49,884 --> 00:07:51,298
Ah!
162
00:07:55,811 --> 00:07:57,430
You know, Arnold,
you're gonna have a hard time
163
00:07:57,513 --> 00:07:59,613
gettin' this baby lit.
164
00:08:00,676 --> 00:08:03,045
What's goin' on here,
what is this?
165
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,450
Epstein, I thought you said
you were gonna stop smoking.
166
00:08:08,943 --> 00:08:12,494
Look, I tried, Mr. Kotter,
but I can't, okay?
167
00:08:12,578 --> 00:08:14,144
I mean, I've been smokin'
since I was 12
168
00:08:14,181 --> 00:08:16,703
you know, on and off,
on and off.
169
00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,920
All of a sudden, I can't quit.
170
00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,346
You can quit, Juan,
it just might be
171
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:22,034
a little more
difficult this time.
172
00:08:22,117 --> 00:08:23,815
Do you know that since
the surgeon general's report
173
00:08:23,821 --> 00:08:28,147
on smoking in 1964, over
30 million people have quit?
174
00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:29,644
[all] Really?
175
00:08:31,256 --> 00:08:34,159
That's right, I think
I read it in "Cosmopolitan."
176
00:08:38,066 --> 00:08:39,894
Well, I don't buy it.
177
00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:43,561
Julie buys it, so it's layin'
around the house, so I read it.
178
00:08:43,644 --> 00:08:46,767
So what, I mean, it's got
some interesting articles.
179
00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:49,352
"How costumes saved
my marriage."
180
00:08:50,957 --> 00:08:53,675
"Menu planning if you're
dating a soccer team."
181
00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:57,701
You know, Mr. Kotter.
182
00:08:58,047 --> 00:09:00,751
It, it ain't easy to
break a bad habit.
183
00:09:00,833 --> 00:09:03,151
Let me tell you guys
a little story.
184
00:09:03,234 --> 00:09:04,957
- Oh.
- Oh, there we go again.
185
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,744
You know, for a young guy,
he's got a lot of stories.
186
00:09:09,186 --> 00:09:12,623
Can't you wait till you get home
and tell your wife?
187
00:09:12,755 --> 00:09:14,931
No, I never told you
this one before.
188
00:09:15,014 --> 00:09:17,615
When I was about 12,
I had a monkey on my back.
189
00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:21,059
That's right, I was hooked
on potato knishes.
190
00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:24,502
It all started out innocent.
You know I was in Coney Island.
191
00:09:24,585 --> 00:09:26,147
A young kid walkin'
around Coney Island.
192
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:27,826
This guy came up to me, he said
193
00:09:27,909 --> 00:09:29,509
"Hey kid, come here.
194
00:09:29,592 --> 00:09:33,161
Want a free knish?"
I said, "Sure why not?"
195
00:09:33,216 --> 00:09:35,827
It was free, so I took it.
Next day, same guy.
196
00:09:35,859 --> 00:09:38,416
"Hey, kid, come here,
you want another free knish?"
197
00:09:38,499 --> 00:09:40,722
I said, "great,"
it was free, it was easy
198
00:09:40,804 --> 00:09:43,589
I was rolling in clover,
free knish every day
199
00:09:43,648 --> 00:09:45,753
when was it gonna stop?
200
00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:48,011
I'll tell ya when it stopped,
two weeks later.
201
00:09:48,094 --> 00:09:49,653
I went up to the guy
and said, "Hey, mister.
202
00:09:49,736 --> 00:09:51,817
Where's my free knish?"
203
00:09:52,098 --> 00:09:54,338
"Hey, I'm sorry kid.
204
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:56,762
"I gotta make a living.
205
00:09:56,845 --> 00:09:59,065
Knishes aren't free anymore."
206
00:09:59,148 --> 00:10:01,492
From that day on,
all my money went on knishes
207
00:10:01,492 --> 00:10:02,888
my whole allowance.
208
00:10:02,971 --> 00:10:06,236
I was up to five knishes a day,
Barbarino.
209
00:10:06,319 --> 00:10:08,219
Five a day.
210
00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:12,006
Then I found out I didn't get
the same kick from knishes.
211
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:14,528
Had to move on to harder stuff.
212
00:10:14,611 --> 00:10:17,413
Real junk food, Horshack.
213
00:10:18,538 --> 00:10:20,038
Mallomars.
214
00:10:21,090 --> 00:10:22,651
Devil dogs.
215
00:10:23,472 --> 00:10:24,932
Twinkies.
216
00:10:25,815 --> 00:10:28,491
And even Indiana fried chicken!
217
00:10:29,477 --> 00:10:32,138
Got so bad, one morning,
I woke up
218
00:10:32,221 --> 00:10:35,391
I had half a burrito
hanging out of my mouth.
219
00:10:36,245 --> 00:10:39,167
And I had no idea
how it got there.
220
00:10:41,071 --> 00:10:43,910
Well, I had to make
a decision, Epstein.
221
00:10:43,993 --> 00:10:45,895
I had to decide whether
or not I was gonna let
222
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:47,597
junk food rule my life.
223
00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:49,436
Well, what did you do?
224
00:10:49,519 --> 00:10:51,402
I went cold Turkey.
225
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,123
Cold Turkey!
226
00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:55,550
That's right, for five days,
instead of junk food
227
00:10:55,633 --> 00:10:57,874
I ate nothing but cold Turkey.
228
00:11:00,843 --> 00:11:02,148
That's how I kicked.
229
00:11:02,231 --> 00:11:03,691
[claps] Oh.
230
00:11:04,950 --> 00:11:09,276
Truly inspiring story,
Mr. Kotter.
231
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:11,983
It oughta be a movie.
232
00:11:12,066 --> 00:11:14,655
"Man with the Golden Knish."
233
00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:18,352
"A hat Full of Knishes."
234
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,251
"The Knish Connection."
235
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:21,434
Okay, now hold on.
236
00:11:21,517 --> 00:11:23,870
"The Knish Connection 2."
237
00:11:23,870 --> 00:11:25,330
Enough already!
238
00:11:26,479 --> 00:11:28,041
Look, Juan, you can quit.
239
00:11:28,124 --> 00:11:30,324
People quit every day
at those clinics, you know?
240
00:11:30,407 --> 00:11:32,426
Wait, wait, wait a minute,
Mr. Kotter.
241
00:11:32,509 --> 00:11:34,311
I mean, Epstein, man, he don't
got the kind of money
242
00:11:34,311 --> 00:11:36,872
they be payin' in them
smoking clinics.
243
00:11:39,842 --> 00:11:41,903
Epstein's family is so poor
244
00:11:41,986 --> 00:11:45,809
that on Thanksgiving,
they have to rent a Turkey.
245
00:11:47,433 --> 00:11:50,278
Look, we'll help you.
I mean, we'll do it ourselves.
246
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,061
We use the same principle
they use at those
247
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:55,166
smoking clinics,
it's called aversion therapy.
248
00:11:55,249 --> 00:11:58,030
Oh, yeah,
the perversion therapy.
249
00:11:59,503 --> 00:12:01,926
We just torture Juan
until he quits smoking.
250
00:12:02,009 --> 00:12:05,350
It's not torture, Barbarino,
it's just therapy
251
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,735
to help Juan break
his bad habit.
252
00:12:07,818 --> 00:12:09,120
Look what you get,
look in the mirror.
253
00:12:09,198 --> 00:12:11,177
- I can't look at that.
- Look in the mirror.
254
00:12:11,260 --> 00:12:12,381
And get a look at you!
255
00:12:12,381 --> 00:12:14,163
The toughest kid in school.
256
00:12:14,246 --> 00:12:16,945
A slave to little
stick of tobacco.
257
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:19,828
Beside that, look,
you need a haircut.
258
00:12:20,191 --> 00:12:22,775
Juan, tomorrow, we shall open up
259
00:12:22,775 --> 00:12:26,316
the sweathog clinic
for the cure of smoking!
260
00:12:26,399 --> 00:12:27,738
Are you ready?
261
00:12:27,821 --> 00:12:29,871
I'll be right back.
262
00:12:29,953 --> 00:12:33,052
- Where are you going?
- Going outside to have a smoke.
263
00:12:33,135 --> 00:12:35,506
[theme music]
264
00:12:40,715 --> 00:12:45,141
"Up Mr. Kotter's nose with Miss
Fishfeck's support hose"?
265
00:12:49,212 --> 00:12:52,434
Well, it's not a
bad picture of me.
266
00:12:59,266 --> 00:13:00,147
Do you think this
will really get me
267
00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,368
to quit smokin', Mr. Kotter?
268
00:13:01,408 --> 00:13:02,496
Well, we're gonna try, Juan,
269
00:13:02,509 --> 00:13:03,607
the guys are gonna
be here as soon as
270
00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:05,026
they finish their last period.
271
00:13:05,109 --> 00:13:06,230
Come on, sit down.
272
00:13:06,313 --> 00:13:07,617
Now all we're gonna do is try
273
00:13:07,674 --> 00:13:09,476
and help you
unlearn a bad habit.
274
00:13:09,496 --> 00:13:10,814
Well, I'm good at that,
I already unlearned
275
00:13:10,897 --> 00:13:12,790
the whole tenth grade!
276
00:13:13,718 --> 00:13:15,739
Epstein.
What are you doing here?
277
00:13:15,822 --> 00:13:17,681
I figured after three o'clock,
you'd be running around
278
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,961
the neighborhood,
flickin' your beak.
279
00:13:21,508 --> 00:13:24,144
Mr. Woodman, Juan's gonna try
and stop smoking.
280
00:13:25,129 --> 00:13:26,129
Oh?
281
00:13:26,212 --> 00:13:27,996
Well, it's not that easy.
282
00:13:28,034 --> 00:13:29,994
I remember when I quit.
283
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,035
You smoked?
284
00:13:31,118 --> 00:13:33,399
Yes, years ago, Kotter.
285
00:13:33,482 --> 00:13:35,682
I smoked king size.
286
00:13:35,765 --> 00:13:38,134
I thought they
made me look taller.
287
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,930
You know why I never smoked?
288
00:13:41,013 --> 00:13:42,312
I think it was those
cigarette commercials
289
00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:44,294
on television,
they turned me off.
290
00:13:44,377 --> 00:13:45,599
I mean, I could
never picture myself
291
00:13:45,599 --> 00:13:47,930
living in Marlboro country.
292
00:13:48,013 --> 00:13:49,410
You know the commercial
always got to me
293
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:51,953
was the one with the, uh,
dancing cigarettes.
294
00:13:51,974 --> 00:13:53,713
You know, all I could see was
the girls' legs sticking out
295
00:13:53,796 --> 00:13:56,157
of the big cigarette box.
296
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,799
Kotter, they drove me crazy.
297
00:13:58,882 --> 00:14:01,163
For three years, I wanted to
marry a six-foot tall
298
00:14:01,246 --> 00:14:04,591
pack of mentholated old golds!
299
00:14:04,592 --> 00:14:06,550
That's not bad, Mr. Woodman,
I heard about a guy once
300
00:14:06,575 --> 00:14:08,098
who had a crush on a camel.
301
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:09,853
A crush on a camel!
302
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,958
That's funny, Kotter.
303
00:14:17,135 --> 00:14:19,025
Relax, Juan, all we're gonna do
304
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,438
is try and help you
unlearn a bad habit.
305
00:14:21,521 --> 00:14:24,891
Yeah, well, I'll do anything
it takes to stop smoking.
306
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,060
Hey, what are you
gonna do with that?
307
00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:30,163
Don't worry about it,
it's the wall-to-wall
308
00:14:30,246 --> 00:14:31,267
carpeting from
Mr. Woodman's office.
309
00:14:31,267 --> 00:14:33,143
Let's get him on the carpet.
310
00:14:33,226 --> 00:14:34,527
- On the carpet, okay.
- Okay, Juan.
311
00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:36,209
I tell you what we're gonna do.
Me and Vinnie, we're gonna
312
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,651
start a little bit
electricity, you know
313
00:14:37,734 --> 00:14:39,516
like, create a shock, okay?
314
00:14:39,516 --> 00:14:41,478
Light up, come on, your
favorite blend, light 'em up.
315
00:14:41,558 --> 00:14:44,679
Now every time you take a puff
of this, we're gonna shock you.
316
00:14:44,762 --> 00:14:46,141
So then you won't
wanna smoke no more.
317
00:14:46,224 --> 00:14:47,745
Right. Okay, start, let's go.
318
00:14:47,745 --> 00:14:49,024
- You ready? Ready?
- Ready.
319
00:14:49,107 --> 00:14:51,487
- Okay.
- Okay.
320
00:14:54,994 --> 00:14:56,454
[both] Ah!
321
00:14:56,898 --> 00:14:58,657
So when are you guys
gonna shock me?
322
00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:00,438
Something's wrong, get up,
sit over there.
323
00:15:00,502 --> 00:15:01,602
Come on, try it on me.
324
00:15:01,602 --> 00:15:02,802
- Okay, you ready? Ready?
- Yeah.
325
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:04,343
Okay.
326
00:15:08,352 --> 00:15:09,812
Ow!
327
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:12,035
Okay, sport, sit down.
Let's do it.
328
00:15:12,118 --> 00:15:13,518
You gotta have both
your feet on the carpet.
329
00:15:13,519 --> 00:15:15,053
- Put your feet on the carpet.
- Ready?
330
00:15:15,053 --> 00:15:16,392
- Alright.
- Let's go.
331
00:15:16,393 --> 00:15:18,491
One, two, three, four,
five, six
332
00:15:18,492 --> 00:15:20,134
seven, eight, nine, ten.
333
00:15:20,217 --> 00:15:21,674
Ow!
334
00:15:22,974 --> 00:15:24,495
Alright, this isn't workin',
we have to go with
335
00:15:24,495 --> 00:15:27,107
drastic measures.
Let's get the specialist!
336
00:15:27,190 --> 00:15:28,171
Send in the specialist!
337
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,460
Alright, send in the specialist.
338
00:15:35,063 --> 00:15:36,804
Hello, are you the specialist?
339
00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:38,249
Are you the doctor, yeah?
340
00:15:38,269 --> 00:15:39,480
I'm the doctor.
341
00:15:39,490 --> 00:15:41,189
I'm the specialist.
342
00:15:41,272 --> 00:15:42,341
Nice to meet you.
343
00:15:42,424 --> 00:15:43,705
How do you do?
344
00:15:43,754 --> 00:15:45,100
How about the patient?
345
00:15:45,116 --> 00:15:46,191
What about the patient?
346
00:15:46,274 --> 00:15:48,216
I wanna see the patient!
347
00:15:48,299 --> 00:15:50,840
I'm telling you, with you,
I'm losing my Patience!
348
00:15:50,923 --> 00:15:54,879
Is this the patient?
349
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,936
This is the patient.
350
00:15:57,013 --> 00:15:58,790
The spots on your hand,
you ever had them before?
351
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:01,254
- Yeah.
- Well, you got 'em again!
352
00:16:01,337 --> 00:16:05,664
Doctor, do you have
the patient's file to sign?
353
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:10,528
I got the patient's file.
354
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,117
File the patient's file.
355
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,952
The patient's file is filed.
356
00:16:15,035 --> 00:16:16,207
- Now let's file the patient.
- Hey.
357
00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:17,909
File the patient.
358
00:16:17,992 --> 00:16:20,390
Doctor, this reminds me
of a case I heard about.
359
00:16:20,473 --> 00:16:22,696
A delicatessen owner
who was only interested
360
00:16:22,779 --> 00:16:25,395
in his wife when she dressed
like a smoked salmon.
361
00:16:25,478 --> 00:16:27,136
Ah, was it hard on the wife?
362
00:16:27,219 --> 00:16:30,069
Yes, especially when
he tried to filet her.
363
00:16:32,839 --> 00:16:35,503
- Where's the patient?
- Was in here before.
364
00:16:35,585 --> 00:16:39,699
- Hello. Hello.
- Where is it, hello?
365
00:16:40,002 --> 00:16:42,672
So, tell us about
your sex life.
366
00:16:42,755 --> 00:16:44,170
What?
367
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,090
Your sex life.
368
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,033
- Oh, Horshack.
- Huh?
369
00:16:48,116 --> 00:16:50,257
What does his sex life
have to do with smoking?
370
00:16:50,340 --> 00:16:51,798
Nothing.
371
00:16:52,764 --> 00:16:56,201
I just thought it would
be fun to hear about it.
372
00:16:56,628 --> 00:16:59,673
Horshack, let's leave people's
sex lives out of this.
373
00:16:59,756 --> 00:17:02,659
At least until you
get one of your own.
374
00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:07,768
Okay, therapy,
let's go, first of all...
375
00:17:07,851 --> 00:17:09,086
... sight aversion!
376
00:17:09,169 --> 00:17:10,004
[all] Sight aversion!
377
00:17:10,038 --> 00:17:12,199
Look at this, Juan.
378
00:17:13,362 --> 00:17:14,776
Hi, there.
379
00:17:14,925 --> 00:17:16,644
[coughs]
380
00:17:16,727 --> 00:17:20,228
I've been smokin' four packs
for ten years and...
381
00:17:20,311 --> 00:17:21,606
...I feel perfectly fine.
382
00:17:21,689 --> 00:17:23,626
[coughs]
383
00:17:25,799 --> 00:17:27,680
Sound aversion!
384
00:17:27,882 --> 00:17:29,905
Sound aversion!
385
00:17:30,746 --> 00:17:32,846
[both] Don't smoke!
386
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,070
[both] Don't smoke!
387
00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:43,292
Alright, smell aversion!
388
00:17:43,375 --> 00:17:45,056
- Smell aversion!
- What?
389
00:17:45,057 --> 00:17:46,042
What?
390
00:17:46,126 --> 00:17:48,082
[Kotter] Smell that!
391
00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:51,029
Cigarette butts grounded
together. Terrible!
392
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,594
Smell this cigar, soggy, wet,
terrible, disgusting...
393
00:17:54,677 --> 00:17:56,539
- Smell that!
- Ah, come on.
394
00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:57,802
That's the worst of the lot!
395
00:17:57,802 --> 00:17:59,107
I know we went into
your gym locker
396
00:17:59,108 --> 00:18:01,349
and got your sweat socks.
397
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:07,696
You think this is easy for us?
398
00:18:07,779 --> 00:18:11,002
Now, Juan, we are not
here to judge you.
399
00:18:11,085 --> 00:18:14,284
There is no right and no wrong.
400
00:18:14,368 --> 00:18:17,458
Now Juan, do you truly
wish to give up
401
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:20,933
your disgusting,
repulsive smoking habit?
402
00:18:20,953 --> 00:18:21,991
Yes.
403
00:18:22,074 --> 00:18:23,913
Do you think that you can live
404
00:18:23,996 --> 00:18:26,876
without the flavor
and the aroma
405
00:18:26,959 --> 00:18:28,613
of your favorite blend?
406
00:18:28,696 --> 00:18:29,578
Yes.
407
00:18:29,661 --> 00:18:32,142
And you will not miss a long
408
00:18:32,143 --> 00:18:34,325
satisfying puff?
409
00:18:34,682 --> 00:18:36,063
- I don't know.
- Oh.
410
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:39,186
So you still like to smoke, huh?
Here, have one.
411
00:18:39,269 --> 00:18:40,369
- Give him two.
- Hey, have three.
412
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,792
Have four, alright.
413
00:18:44,917 --> 00:18:46,630
[Kotter] What do you have
to say now, Mr. Puff?
414
00:18:46,713 --> 00:18:49,162
[coughs] I can't...
415
00:18:49,245 --> 00:18:51,328
[Kotter] Doesn't taste so good,
does it, Mr. Puff?
416
00:18:51,328 --> 00:18:53,163
[Freddie] That's what I thought.
417
00:18:53,310 --> 00:18:56,472
Hey, Freddie, you want a trade?
418
00:18:56,555 --> 00:18:58,798
I got liverwurst
and chocolate sauce
419
00:18:58,798 --> 00:19:00,602
on date nut bread.
420
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,688
No.
421
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:07,270
I don't even wanna
think about it.
422
00:19:07,474 --> 00:19:09,294
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
423
00:19:09,378 --> 00:19:12,014
It's the dumbest sandwich
I ever heard of.
424
00:19:12,983 --> 00:19:15,464
Now this, this is lunch.
425
00:19:15,547 --> 00:19:17,744
Peanut butter and squid...
426
00:19:19,404 --> 00:19:20,864
...on pumpernickel.
427
00:19:22,358 --> 00:19:24,599
Hold the pickle,
hold the relish.
428
00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:27,952
Yeah, but you can't
hold it down.
429
00:19:29,028 --> 00:19:31,890
Now this is lunch.
430
00:19:32,152 --> 00:19:34,436
Pig knuckles on Jewish rye.
431
00:19:35,998 --> 00:19:38,614
With virgin island dressing.
Nice.
432
00:19:38,697 --> 00:19:40,157
Oh.
433
00:19:40,883 --> 00:19:42,842
What do you got, Mr. Kotter?
434
00:19:42,925 --> 00:19:45,028
Oh, nothing,
it's just something Julie made
435
00:19:45,028 --> 00:19:47,129
I don't know what it is,
I don't know.
436
00:19:48,553 --> 00:19:49,475
[Barbarino] Hey, Juan.
437
00:19:49,559 --> 00:19:52,063
Hey, how you doin'? Hey.
438
00:19:52,146 --> 00:19:54,685
Hey, it's been seven days
since I had my last cigarette.
439
00:19:54,721 --> 00:19:56,792
[cheering]
440
00:19:56,875 --> 00:19:58,551
[clapping]
441
00:19:58,634 --> 00:20:00,875
- You miss cigarettes?
- Nah.
442
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:02,981
I got this pipe.
443
00:20:03,822 --> 00:20:05,064
What do you think?
444
00:20:05,148 --> 00:20:08,913
Frankly, Juan, you look like
Sherlock Sheephead.
445
00:20:10,259 --> 00:20:12,174
Look, Juan, look, I'm
a little disappointed in you.
446
00:20:12,257 --> 00:20:15,218
Mr. Kotter, I read that smokin'
a pipe is a lot less harmful
447
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:16,619
than smokin' cigarettes.
448
00:20:16,703 --> 00:20:18,382
Oh, yeah, well,
where'd you read that?
449
00:20:18,465 --> 00:20:20,088
I think it was "Cosmopolitan."
450
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:22,467
Alright, look, Juan.
You gotta make up your own mind.
451
00:20:22,550 --> 00:20:23,852
I mean,
you're old enough to smoke.
452
00:20:23,852 --> 00:20:25,434
If you wanna smoke,
that's your business.
453
00:20:25,454 --> 00:20:27,556
You can make your own decisions.
454
00:20:27,957 --> 00:20:29,588
What is that?
455
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:31,597
What?
456
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:35,363
That's a potato knish,
I thought you kicked the habit.
457
00:20:35,363 --> 00:20:36,823
[students] Oh...
458
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:40,953
Very disillusioning, Mr. Kotter.
459
00:20:41,036 --> 00:20:42,690
Alright, so I'm hooked,
I have to have a knish
460
00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,547
once in a while,
so what's the big deal?
461
00:20:44,602 --> 00:20:46,169
Well, gentlemen,
there is only one thing
462
00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:49,186
we can do to help this poor,
tortured creature now.
463
00:20:49,269 --> 00:20:50,706
- Smell aversion!
- Yeah, no. Wait.
464
00:20:50,789 --> 00:20:52,618
- Smell aversion!
- Come on smell that.
465
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,555
- Smell that.
- Get away! Get away! Get away!
466
00:20:54,556 --> 00:20:55,618
I'm your teacher.
467
00:20:55,619 --> 00:20:58,317
Not your ordinary knish junkie.
468
00:20:58,369 --> 00:21:00,273
Look, if you had to eat
Julie's tuna casserole
469
00:21:00,273 --> 00:21:02,535
twice a week, you'd
sneak a few knishes
470
00:21:02,619 --> 00:21:04,718
once in a while, too.
471
00:21:05,179 --> 00:21:08,269
Alright, look,
Epstein, I got a proposition.
472
00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:12,578
I'll give up knishes if you give
up smoking, what do you say?
473
00:21:12,661 --> 00:21:14,286
- You got a deal.
- Alright.
474
00:21:14,369 --> 00:21:16,782
[cheering]
475
00:21:18,024 --> 00:21:21,397
[theme music]
476
00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:48,523
What is that?
477
00:21:48,606 --> 00:21:51,318
This is a bicentennial knish.
478
00:21:52,803 --> 00:21:54,263
♪♪
479
00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:21,939
Julie, did I ever tell
you about my uncle
480
00:22:22,022 --> 00:22:25,983
who is a famous explorer,
famous frontiersman?
481
00:22:26,052 --> 00:22:28,917
You mean he was in all the
history books and everything.
482
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,928
Oh, I mean, alongside
Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett,
483
00:22:31,928 --> 00:22:35,755
you'll find the name
of Hawkeye Kotter.
484
00:22:36,609 --> 00:22:38,949
Yes, you look in any of books
he's in all of these books
485
00:22:39,032 --> 00:22:41,094
and Hawkeye Kotter was famous.
486
00:22:41,094 --> 00:22:43,596
In fact, I remember
one time my Uncle Hawkeye
487
00:22:43,596 --> 00:22:45,295
this was written in history
books I-I didn't know about it
488
00:22:45,378 --> 00:22:46,696
but I read about it
in history books.
489
00:22:46,779 --> 00:22:48,868
He is riding along
on his horse, right?
490
00:22:48,941 --> 00:22:52,421
And he sees a man on the prairie
with his ear to the ground.
491
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:54,766
Well, what was he doing
with his ear to the ground?
492
00:22:54,826 --> 00:22:57,368
My uncle Hawkeye figured he must
be listening to something.
493
00:22:57,368 --> 00:23:00,150
So he gets off his horse
and puts his ear to the ground.
494
00:23:00,150 --> 00:23:02,208
- Good move.
- Doesn't hear a thing.
495
00:23:02,292 --> 00:23:03,718
He says, uh
496
00:23:03,801 --> 00:23:06,576
"Excuse me, partner,
I don't hear a thing."
497
00:23:06,576 --> 00:23:08,559
Guy looks at him,
and he says "I know.
498
00:23:08,559 --> 00:23:10,660
It's been like that all day."
499
00:23:13,203 --> 00:23:14,564
Alright, you
didn't like that one?
500
00:23:14,648 --> 00:23:16,567
I'll tell you another one
about Uncle Hawkeye.
501
00:23:16,650 --> 00:23:19,013
Uncle Hawkeye is riding
and he sees an Indian.
502
00:23:19,013 --> 00:23:21,514
This time, the Indian's got
his ear to the ground, right?
503
00:23:21,597 --> 00:23:24,041
Same as the guy before, okay?
504
00:23:24,061 --> 00:23:26,344
- So he says to the Indian--
- It's getting funnier.
505
00:23:26,344 --> 00:23:27,801
Shh!
506
00:23:28,167 --> 00:23:29,627
"Covered wagon,14.
507
00:23:31,251 --> 00:23:33,647
"Soldiers, cavalry.
508
00:23:33,730 --> 00:23:35,570
"Woman in covered wagon.
509
00:23:35,653 --> 00:23:37,113
"Have baby.
510
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:41,880
Fourteen wagon, one blue."
511
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,543
Uncle says, "That's amazing!
512
00:23:44,627 --> 00:23:46,506
You can hear them coming?"
513
00:23:46,590 --> 00:23:48,069
Indian says, "No.
514
00:23:48,152 --> 00:23:50,773
Ran over me half hour ago."
515
00:23:59,140 --> 00:24:02,251
[theme song]
516
00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:09,502
♪ Welcome back ♪
517
00:24:09,585 --> 00:24:13,288
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
518
00:24:13,371 --> 00:24:15,421
♪ Welcome back ♪
519
00:24:15,504 --> 00:24:20,295
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
520
00:24:20,378 --> 00:24:24,561
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
521
00:24:24,644 --> 00:24:29,174
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
522
00:24:29,257 --> 00:24:31,437
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
523
00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:33,178
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
524
00:24:33,261 --> 00:24:35,310
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
525
00:24:35,393 --> 00:24:37,399
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
526
00:24:37,482 --> 00:24:41,534
♪ yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪
527
00:24:41,617 --> 00:24:43,754
♪ Welcome back ♪
528
00:24:43,837 --> 00:24:47,975
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪
529
00:24:48,058 --> 00:24:50,325
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
530
00:24:50,408 --> 00:24:53,024
♪ Welcome back ♪
531
00:24:53,107 --> 00:24:56,854
♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪
532
00:24:56,937 --> 00:24:59,159
♪ Welcome back ♪
533
00:24:59,242 --> 00:25:03,774
♪ And I smile when I think
how you must've been ♪
534
00:25:03,857 --> 00:25:05,772
♪ And I know what a scene... ♪♪
38983
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