All language subtitles for Welcome.Back.Kotter.S02E09.Hello.Ms.Chips.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

Oh.

I can't believe
how crowded that store was.

I think everybody left
their shopping till tonight.

Well, I don't believe it,
those women, they're crazy.

- I know.
- Pushing, shoving.

Bumping into me.

I'm going back tomorrow.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Kotter, I'd like you
to meet Ms. Wright.

Ms. Wright!

Well, my mother always said

I'd meet you some day.

Thank you.

This Ms. Wright has
nothing to do with

your sick fantasies, Kotter.

Leave my sick fantasies
out of this, Mr. Woodman

at least until you get me
that ostrich I requested.

Ms. Wright is a Phi Beta Kappa
graduate of Jones College

specially trained in
remedial methods.

Now Principal Lazarus wants her
to have on-the-job training

until she gets
her own class.

Oh, like, uh,
student teach.

Well, in my school,
we're referred to

as educational
guidance associates.

In this school, you'll be
referred to as hamburger helper.

Ah, make yourself at home,
look around.

Now, watch her carefully,
Kotter.

Remember what happened to
the last student teacher.

What happened to her?

Oh, she's doing fine.

She, uh, sent me
a ceramic wallet from the home.

So, you majored in ghetto, huh?

Yes, and this is wonderful,
it's so remedial.

It's just like
our mock-up room

in educational development
and guidance.

Right, right, slum training 101,
I took it twice.

Let me show you around.

You know, this is
a very famous classroom.

In fact, in this chair
right here once sat Bonzo--

Moretti.

- Yes, I've heard of him.
- You have?

Mm-hmm, there's a whole
chapter about him

in one of our textbooks.

It's called,
"There Are No Bad Boys

So Please Don't Shoot."

You know, Bonzo wasn't
the toughest kid in my class.

Toughest kid
was Benito Bloomberg.

Benito was voted
most likely to invade Poland.

Sat right over there,
right in between

Ramon "I can eat more hamburgers
than you" Benson

and Phyllis
"I'm saving everything

for my second marriage"
Feinstein.

It's a very famous
classroom here, Ms. Wright.

Some of the best teachers
in this city

have passed through
these windows.

Oh, I love it. Student's never
change, do they?

"Arnold is easy."

"Call Vinnie, he delivers."

"Juan Epstein..."

Does what?

To whom?

Ah, Ms. Wright,
don't pay any attention to that.

They like to brag.

What is that?
Emergency phone numbers?

Oh, no, I guess
you could call it my Bible.

Well, it might work on vampires,
but not sweathogs.

This is the Jones College
Guidebook

for remedial specialists.

I rely on it
for everything.

I should warn you,
one teacher to another

that these kids
are not out of any books.

This is like working
in an amusement park.

It's like going through
a lion country safari

wearing a meatloaf suit.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, it's time to enter
the magic kingdom.

I don't understand.

You will, just follow me.

Here they are,
held over

for the second
straight semester.

Living color.

♪ Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho ♪♪

Well, I'd like you all
to meet somebody.

Everybody say hello to your
new student teacher, Ms. Wright.

You are gonna teach?

Here?

Us?

[laughing]

I'm so sorry.

Look, they brought us
a rookie.

Yeah, I give her
two weeks with us

and she's gonna shave her head
and be selling incense

on the corner
of 42nd street, eh.

Alright, alright.

Look, Ms. Wright is gonna be

spending a couple days with us.

I want you to show her
some respect.

Hey, man...

[indistinct chatter]

Hello? Hello?

Just show her the same respect
you show me, okay?

[indistinct chatter]

Hello? Hello?

Show her the same respect
you show me

when I threaten to keep
everybody after school

until August.

♪ Hello ♪♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪♪ Hello ♪♪

[all] Hello, Ms. Wright.

Well, these are
your basic sweathogs.

Now I think it's time
we started class.

Why don't you have a seat.

Okay, now I have just
completed grading your essays

on "If I were president
of the United States."

And I found them
so very interesting

that I think some of them
have to be shared

with the rest
of the class.

Aw, come on, Mr. Kotter.

Alright, I would like to
start out with this one.

It has a real snappy title.

"If I were the DC main man."

It's by a
Mr. F.B.B. Washington.

[all cheering]

The B.B. stands for
boom boom.

Since you're so proud of this

why don't you
read it for everybody.

Alright.

Hi, there.

"If I was the prez,
there would be equality

for everyone, I say."

- Why?
- Why?

You wanna know why?

Because I believe in change.

I think we should change
our national anthem

or at least get
a better drummer!

I ask you, did you,
did you ever try to dance

to the star-spangled banner?

Yes, brothers and sisters.
I believe in change.

You got any ideas for change,
you send them to me.

You ain't got no change,
just send a fold in money.

I want your thoughts,
I want your ideas

but mostly,
I want your money!

All major
credit cards accepted.

Hallelujah, baby!

[all cheering]

Thank you, Reverend Ike.

Next, we have a young man

whom we've all come
to expect big things from.

So far,
we are still expecting...

...but any day now.

- Mr. Arnold Horshack.
- Alright, Arnold!

[applauding]

- Alright, Arnold!
- Thank you, thank you.

No, really, thank you.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Ahem.

"If I was president
of these United States

"by Arnold Horshack.

"If I was president
of these United States

"I would do away with the office
of vice president.

"Why do I need
an understudy?

"I would appoint
Vinnie Barbarino

"as my minister of affairs.

"Juan Epstein..."
Hi, Juan!

"He would be
my secretary of hurting.

"And Mr. Kotter will head
the department of health

education and Groucho."

Thank you, Arnold,
how this elephant

got in my pajamas,
I'll never know.

Oh, Mr. Kotter!

Ms. Wright, would you like
to take the wheel for a while?

- Go ahead.
- Yes.

Hello, boys and girls.

I'm...

Ms... Wright!

[all] Hello again, Ms. Wright!

Now, uh, the first thing to do
would be to

check your seating.

What for?

To make sure
you're alphabetical.

Well, I ain't.
I'm Italian.

No, I mean...

♪ A B C D ♪

♪ G E F ♪♪

I heard of that,
it's a good tune.

Well, are you?

What?

Sitting in the order
of the alphabet?

Where?

In this class.

Hey, allow me
to rectify myself, Ms. Wright.

We are alphabetical.

- Oh, what's your name?
- Juan Epstein.

Does what to who?

[gasps] Don't touch me!

I'm sorry,
I forgot myself.

Um, well, Mr. Epstein

uh, alphabetically,
shouldn't the A's

be sitting
where you are?

Well, yeah,
that's absolutely correct.

You see, 'cause like
every time I come into the room

everybody goes,
"'Ey, Epstein!"

♪ 'Ey Epstein Epstein ♪

♪ Epstein rah rah ♪♪

- Yeah, baby.
- Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh!

- Oh, oh!
- Yes.

And I should be sitting
where the O's sit

because at least once
in every class

I go, "oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh!"

[indistinct chatter]

Ah, children now, quiet.

Children, uh, quiet!

Ahh...

Now...

...another way for us
to get to know each other

is, uh,
for each of you to, uh

stand and tell me a little bit
about your ethnic background.

That will also give me a chance
to check your racial balance.

Well, we either come out
with half a Puerto Rican

or half a Jew left over.

My family, we couldn't afford
our own background.

We shared ours with
a Chinese family downstairs.

You ever try
moo goo gai grits?

My grandparents,
they came from Sicily

in a bottom of a boat
filled with-with olive oil.

The minute it docked,
they slid into Brooklyn.

Ms. Wright, I traced
my family tree...

...and I found out
that three of my uncles

all died
of Dutch Elm disease.

Yeah, and you're
a little sap.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

Well, your family
swings in trees, Juan.

- Oh, yeah?
- yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, to maintain order...

Alright, guys!

Guys!

...to maintain order...

Cool it.

I can handle it,
Mr. Kotter.

- Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm!

- Mmm.
- Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Alright, then, I think
we should just continue

with what Mr. Kotter was doing,
reading essays on

"If I were president
of the United States."

I have one here
by Mr. Epstein.

Ah, beggin' your pardon, ma'am,
but, uh, you see

I wrote a poem there,
not an essay

and I'd rather
not read it.

Oh, but you must
take pride in your work.

Use of names
and forces identity.

Come on, Mr. Kotter,
do I gotta?

Ms. Wright is the teacher.

[scatting]

Oh, wait a second now.

I hear a note
coming in from home.

"Dear Mr. Kotter
or to whom it may concern.

"Juan cannot read
his essay.

"He's had a sudden
attack of...

"...laryngitis?

Signed,
Epstein's mother."

Student refuses to read essay,
student refuses to read essay.

"Read essay for him."

Very well, I shall have
to read this for you.

"If I were president,
by Mr. Epstein.

"If I were president
for just one day

I'd take everyone's worries
and just throw them all away."

- Oh, how nice.
- Oh, how nice! Oh, how nice!

"I'd-I'd pull all the weeds
and plant some flowers

"where they'd been,
'cause a flower's like a person

it always blooms
in the end."

[laughing]

Hey, I-I asked you
not to read it, I really did.

That's for Mr. Kotter
to read.

What-what are you
trying to do?

You come in here,
you're trying to change things

you put us in alphabetical...

Yeah, you put us
in alphabetical order

and then, and then you ask us
about our ethnic background.

What's your ethnic background?

Ah, white bread...

No, that's cafeteria.

Come on,
hey, it ain't in a book.

Come on,
it ain't in the book.

Look at me, I'm the one
that's talkin' to ya

and I asked ya, and I asked
ya nice not to read it.

Alright, Juan.
Come on, just take it easy.

[gasping]

It's not supposed to be
like this.

Well, congratulations
on setting a new record.

You just destroyed a career
in under ten minutes.

♪♪

Buchanan High!

Kotter.

Looks like a lot of mail.

Have you got a chain letter?

Yes.

Oh, Ms. Wright, listen.

I wanted to apologize
for what happened this morning.

No, Mr. Kotter, it's not
their fault, it was mine.

I'm a failure as a teacher.

I ran, Mr. Kotter.

I never should have
majored in Ghetto.

I should have majored
in Suburb.

Kotter, look,
we've gotta help her.

We need her kind of training,
and I have a gut feeling

that there's a heck of a teacher
in there somewhere.

Plus if Principal Lazarus
finds out she's quit

it's my donkey.

Your donkey?

It's a good one,
Mr. Woodman, really good.

Ms. Wright, look.

I understand how you feel

but you can't let one little
incident cause you to quit.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter.
I'm just not prepared for them.

Ah, they're nothing.

Your generation
has it easy.

What was it like
in your day, Mr. Woodman?

Well, let me
put it this way.

♪ Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows the sorrow ♪♪

I don't know whether you've
heard about it, Mr. Woodman

but Vaudeville's dead.

Now, believe me, Kotter,
those were the tough years

back when they had inkwells.

You ever drink
a thermos bottle of ink?

I coughed Rorschach test
for a whole week!

Didn't they have spankings
in those days?

Yes, but my students
only spanked me once.

Ms. Wright, look,
let me try and help you, okay?

Let's pretend
that this is a class.

Now, what you gotta do is you
gotta capture their attention

you know, their imagination.
Now, I do it with humor.

Say that New York City
has a financial crisis.

"Hey, kids, you know
New York City

"has a financial crisis?

"I got a way to solve it.

The mayor should go begging
one day a week."

"Excuse me, mister,
spare $100,000 for a new bus?"

Then the class
would laugh.

Ring, ring, ring.

- What are you doing?
- It's the bell.

This is a pretend class.
I'm pretending it's over.

♪ Nobody knows
the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows the sorrow ♪♪

Alright, look.

I know that she's not
what you're used to

but you gotta
give her a chance.

I mean,
yesterday was her first time

in front of a real class.

Oh, that's nice.

That's the first time
you called us a real class.

- Good morning, Ms. Wright.
- Good morning.

- Good morning, Ms. Wright.
- Hey, how you doin'?

Well, uh, we just got underway

you wanna take it
from the start?

Mm-hmm.

And, uh,
thanks for your advice.

I know just what to do.

Ah, Ms. Wright,
about yesterday

I'm really sorry.

It's just that, you know,
you weren't capturing my style.

In your mouth
with a sandwich.

Ah...

It's nice to be working here
again at Buchanan.

Actually, it's nice
to be working anywhere again.

[chuckling]

Ah, I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.

Being a teacher
reminds me of the story

of this student
who asked his father

"Where are the Himalayas?"

And his father answered,
"If you'd put your things away

"when you were through
playing with them

maybe you could find them."

[laughs]

I'm rolling!

I hear New York is having
a financial crisis.

Why don't we have
a fire sale?

[laughing]

But-but seriously, folks.

But, uh, but seriously,
Mr. Kotter.

I can't go on with this,
this just isn't me.

- Where are you goin'?
- I'm quitting.

Hey, no, you're not.
No, you can't quit.

Why not?
I'm a lousy teacher.

So what? It's only because
we're lousy students.

I mean, we can't quit.

Ms. Wright, look, I'm afraid
I gave you a bum steer.

You tried to do it
by the book

and now you just tried
to do me.

Why don't you try
to be yourself?

You can't quit.

I mean, what would this
world be like

if everybody just quit?

A lot like this class.

Yeah, where we'd be
if Mr. Kotter

would've walked out on us,
huh?

Still in the ninth grade.

We all learn the same
basic things in life.

Doesn't matter if you're a
teacher or if you're a student.

We can't stop learning.

- Try it again.
- Come on, try it.

- Now you can't go home.
- Come on.

Try it again.

But I just don't know
how to talk to them.

Whatever you're gonna teach 'em,
just teach 'em as yourself.

Okay. Okay.

Yesterday you were discussing
presidents of the United States

so today I had wanted to tell
you about President Buchanan.

Boy, that name
sounds familiar.

Vinnie, that's the guy
who this school was named after

President Buchanan.

Uh-huh, if they named
this school after him

he must have been
a lousy president.

Well, actually,
you're right.

He was a lousy president,
he was our 15th president

and he was largely responsible
for the civil war.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

A lot of great songs
came out of that war.

Yeah, yeah,
if it wasn't for the civil war

can you imagine how dull

"Gone With The Wind"
would've been?

Well, speaking of dull,
President James Buchanan

spent four years in his office

staring at portraits
on the wall

wondering if he was
better looking

than George Washington.

Hey, you know what?

He probably would've made
a terrific sweathog.

That's right,
tell me more about this guy.

Tell me about it.

Well, he was the only president

that never got married.

I guess he never had a date.

[laughing]

And that's the way it was

nearly 200 years ago today.

This bicentennial moment
is brought to you

by our teacher, Ms. Wright.

[all cheering]

I'm doing it, aren't I?
I'm teaching.

- You certainly are.
- I'm really teaching.

Welcome to the battle
for the brains, teacher.

- Thank you.
- So, what happened?

- Was he better looking or not?
- Was he impeached?

He was the only president
who couldn't get a date.

Julie, did I ever tell you
about my uncle

Wilfred ♪. Kotter?

You mean the strange one?

Boy, was he strange.
Strange guy.

One time he goes
to a psychiatrist.

He says, "Doc,
do you think it's possible

for a man to be in love
with an elephant?"

- That's ridiculous.
- That's what the doctor said.

"Mr. Wilfred ♪. Kotter,
that is ridiculous.

A man cannot be in love
with an elephant."

Well, my uncle looked
kind of sad

and he said "Alright,
but can you tell me

where I can get rid of
an engagement ring this big?"

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot
'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪