All language subtitles for Welcome.Back.Kotter.S01E21.Kotter.Makes.Good.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-BTN_track3_[eng]

Did I tell you
about the time my Cousin Bruce

didn't wanna go to school?

Why didn't he wanna
go to school?

That's just what
my Aunt Elsie said.

She said, "Bruce, why don't you
wanna go to school?

Give me two good reasons why
you don't wanna go to school."

He says, "Alright, you want
two good reasons

"why I don't wanna go to school?

"First of all,
the teachers don't like me.

And then the students
don't like me."

He says, "You wanna give me
two good reasons

why I should go to school?"

She said "Yes, because you're
37, and you're the principal."

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter"
is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd
lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause
we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪♪

[bell ringing]

♪♪

"My last will and testimony.

"I, Arnold Horshack

"being of sound mind and body...

"...most of the time

do hereby bequeath
all my worldly possession--"

- Arnold!
- Aah!

Arnold, what are you doing?
Why're you making out a will?

You still look almost lifelike.

Mr. Kotter, these are the last
earthly documents

of Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.

And I even left you something.

Do me a favor, Arnold,
don't leave me the Dingfelder.

Oh, actually, I had you down

for my collection
of celebrity fingernails.

Arnold, this is ridiculous.

Why are you making out a will
all of a sudden?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, lest you forget,
next week is exam week.

Arnold, Arnold.

You're planning to
do away with yourself

to get out of exams?

Oh, Mr. Kotter,
I won't have to.

Once my grades come in,
my father will kill me.

Good morning, good morning,
good morning!

[indistinct chatter]

- Now--
- Hey, Mr. Kotter, I got a note.

- Epstein's got a note.
- Right.

"Dear, Mr. Kotter, please excuse
Juan from his exams next week

"he will of course be attending
the Accu Medical Council

in Rome."

Juan, the Accu Medical Council
took place ten years ago.

I know that. I got a note to the
Pope, telling him why I'm late.

Let's see, "Dear, Mr. Holiness,
ahem, please excuse Juan

for being ten years late
to the--"

Will you sit down!
Sit down.

I don't know what's the matter
with you people.

Taking exams is no big thing.
You study, you pass. Simple.

Boy, to hear you talk about it.

Tests are more fun
than Betty Prevetty.

Look, exam week is
the perfect chance

to prove that you're learning.

It's also the perfect chance
to prove we flunkin'.

All this talk about exams
is turning my mood ring black.

Kotter, could I see you
for a moment?

That look.

Mr. Woodman, I remember
that look.

I have not seen that look
since the day I graduated

and you thought that
you'd never see me again.

It's funny you should
mention that, Kotter.

In fact, it's hilarious.
Could you come outside?

Alright, occupy your time. Do
something unusual, open a book.

Mr. Woodman, what's this--

Now let me... start
at the beginning, Kotter.

And I wanna go slow,
I'm gonna enjoy this too much

to just blurt it out
all at once.

Now, uh, you know
what this is, Kotter?

Yes, Mr. Woodman, that's a graph
of your love life.

Seems, uh, seems you reached
your peak right here

October 13th,1942.

Just keep up the jokes,
Kotter.

It happens to be
a graph plotting

final examination results
for the past ten years.

Now this,
this of course down here

is your Sweathogs.

Now, nowhere in the records
of this institution does it say

that a student
named Gabriel Kotter

ever took exams
in his senior year.

[laughing]

This whole thing's
a joke, right?

Wrong.

Mr. Woodman,
I had to take my exams.

How else could I graduate, go to
college, get a teaching degree?

Well, there's graph,
corruption, bribery

and anything else
you can stoop to.

[bell ringing]

Mr. Woodman, this is a mistake,
it's gotta be.

The mistake is calling you
a teacher.

You're an impostor, Kotter.
You're a fraud!

See? I told you Mr. Kotter
was our kinda guy.

Alright, come on,
go to your next class. Let's go.

Get your books.
Come on, move it. Let's go.

Go ahead. Come over here.

Mr. Woodman, I must have
taken my exams.

What exams?

Hey, you didn't
take your exams?

Ha ha.
How'd you get out of it?

I didn't get out of it.
I took my exams.

Then why isn't it
in my records?

I don't know why
it isn't in your records.

But I know I took 'em.

I think.

There's a very simple solution
to this, if you askme.

Who askedyou?

Why don't you just take
a make-up exam?

Yeah, I'll be willing
to accept a make-up

to correct
your records, Kotter.

Now wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Me, take a make-up test,
ten years later?

[laughing] That's funny.

[laughing]

It's funny, kids.

In your own words.

If you study, you pass.
Simple.

I am a social studies teacher.

And you expect me to walk in
ten years later

and pass an exam on English,
science, mathematics?

Well, that's the beauty part,
Kotter. I don't.

[laughing]

Well, that's about as much fun
as a man my age can take

in one morning.

You see, Mr. Kotter,
this is a perfect opportunity

for you to prove
what you have learned.

[wheezy laughter]

Yeah, you see,
what he's saying is like

if you're slow, you blow.
If you're fast, you pass.

And if I flunk, I'm sunk.

But just think, Mr. Kotter,
you finally get a chance

to show everybody
how smart you are.

- Check you later, babe.
- Be brave, little soldier.

Gabe, you're not gonna
find anything in that closet.

Why don't you come outta there
before you get lost too?

Julie, I gotta find
my school records.

If I don't, I take
those exams again and...

I don't know, I can't
take exams, I always froze up.

Got lock-face.

I have to find my old records.

Hey!

Found my old records.
Ha ha ha!

I got some great stuff here.

"Connie Francis sings
"ROTC Favorites."

Burl Ives sings
"Little Richard.""

And here's a good one, "Pokers
that Lawrence Wilk wouldn't do."

I have the perfect solution
to this whole problem.

- Oh.
- I'm going to the schoolyard.

- Uh...
- See ya later.

- What are you gonna do there?
- What am I gonna do there?

I'm gonna paint a face on this
and run it for President.

Gabe, you have got to study
for your exam.

Julie, I'm a teacher.
That was ten years ago.

Why do I have to study
for exams now?

I took all those exams.
I must have.

Probably.

I bet I did.

You think maybe...

[knock on the door]

Would you get the door, please?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

- W-w-w-wait-wait, what's this?
- Oh!

Mr. Kotter, us Sweathogs
stick together.

So, don't sweat it
about those exams.

We're gonna help you study all
the stuff that you don't know.

See, we're all gonna
get together and cram it.

I appreciate the thought,
but I don't think--

Don't think,
let us do that for you.

Now, I brought this desk along,
so you feel right at home.

- I am at home, Vinnie!
- See? It worked.

This is unbelievable,
you bring desk, books.

If the blackboard wasn't
attached to the wall

you'd have probably
brought that too.

Bring it in.

Wait a minute.

I was just standin' there
and it fell off the wall.

Lucky we was there to catch it.

You guys can't do
things like this.

It's against the law,
it's robbery.

- It's five to ten.
- Nah, it's ten to ten.

Hey, besides,
we tend to think of it as...

...creative borrowing.

Alright, look, I want you to
make sure you have

all this stuff in school
Monday morning

before class starts.

Hey, we will. Bright and early.

- Yep, that's the plan.
- Unbelievable!

You brought books,
a desk, a blackboard.

The only thing you didn't bring
is a teacher.

[bell ringing]

Wait a minute!

Now who are you supposed to be?

♪ School days school days ♪

♪ Dear old golden rule days ♪

♪ Reading and writing
and arithmetic ♪

Julie, did I ever tell you about
my great Uncle Hershey Kotter?

No, honey,
why don't you tell me

about your great Uncle
Hershey Kotter?

That's the joke. There is no
Uncle Hershey Kotter.

[wheezy laughter]

Look, I dunno what you're up to

but I'm not gonna
study with you.

I mean, I don't have to
know anything, I'm a teacher.

Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel,
calm down.

Now are there any questions
before we get down to work?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me!
Ooh, ooh, me! Ooh! Ooh!

[theme music]

Look, it's Saturday afternoon.

My Saturday afternoons
are planned.

I get up in the morning,
I watch "Space Nuts"

and "Scooby Doo."

Go play basketball
in the schoolyard, come home

get a can of beer,
go on the fire escape

and read the funnies
in the Sunday paper.

That's my Saturday.
You understand?

No.

- You understand, don't you?
- Mm-mm.

Don't you see
that for the first time

your kids wanna study?

If you let them help you learn,
they will learn too.

Okay, I'll study with them.

But I'm gonna show 'em
what it's like to try

and teach Sweathog.

Let's go, come on,
let's study.

- Alright!
- Terrific!

Now, you tell me how much of
what you learned in school

do you remember?

What?

How much do you remember?

When?

In school.

Where?

What?

Do I remember?

When?

When I was in school.

Where?

Thank you, thank you, boys.

You are stallin'.

Hey, don't you wanna study?

I mean, are you prepared?
Where is your notebook?

Where is your notebook?

Hi, there.

Yeah, hi-hi there,
where's your notebook?

My notebook? Well, I just don't
happen to have it here...

...handy.

Look, man, I was gonna study,
but I came home and my wife

she had me upside my head,
and then she said I am a--

Gabriel.

Will you sit down!

Well, bye, guys.

- Hey, where you going--
- Have fun.

Where you going
with mybasketball?

I have a regular game down at
Our Ladies' Saurus playground

with Sister Mary Mercy. Bye.

- Enjoy yourself, ma'am.
- Bye, guys.

Show 'em honey.

Alright, let us start out
with algebra

because that is the hardest.

Gabriel, would you please
pass out the books, please?

Certainly.

And turn to page 32
in your books.

32.

The problem is
"Find the value of X

when the integer
is unknown," Gabriel.

Ahem.

The problem is to find
the value of X

when the integer is unknown.

What's a integer?

That's the new math.

Well, what was wrong
with the old math?

I bet this new math
is really easy.

Why don't you keep on reading,
Horshack?

Thank you, Vincent.

[clearing throat] "An integer is a counting number

"if the sequences 1-2, 2-3,
3-4, etcetera

the integer is apparent."

It's a parent to who?

So, find the value of X.

X. I don't know.

Right, X is unknown.
So, what's Y?

Y?

Where?

Look, I got lost,
let's start again, okay?

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter,
don't sweat it.

By the time we're done with you,
you're gonna pass

all your exams.

'Cause we're gonna stay with you
all weekend

and help you study.

Yeah, how do you like that?

Now wait a second,
you guys are really willing

to spend all weekend helping me
study, including Saturday?

[all] Yeah.

- You got it.
- Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, what'd ya get
for question 16?

Let's see,16, that was, uh,
that was, uh

"Deoxyribonucleic acid."

You know, you put a little
on your cereal in the morning

turns your eyes blue.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, how'd you do
on that biology test?

Well, Mr. Pazer wanted to make a
frog dissection part of the test

but Juan wouldn't stand for it.

Yeah, I told him whatever
he's gonna do to that frog

I'm gonna go do it to him.

- Good, see ya later.
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, Kotter.

Well, Kotter,
you certainly know how to spoil

someone's good time, don't you?

What are you talking about,
Mr. Woodman?

Well, Principal Lazarus insisted
that I call the register

at your college this morning,
and the missing test grades

were, uh, it seems
a clerical error here.

There's no need for you
to take any more of these exams.

Ha ha! I don't have to take
any more exams.

♪ I don't have to take
any more exams ♪

♪ I don't have to take
any more exams ♪♪

You're not on my dance card.

[indistinct singing]

Oh?

Is the prom early this year?

No, Arnold. I don't have to
take any more exams.

I am in the clear.
Tell them, Mr. Woodman.

Yeah, he's in the clear.

I still think he's an impostor,
but he's in the clear.

We wasted a whole weekend
studying

and you got out of the exams.

Congratulations... man.

I'm not supposed to take exams
in the first place.

I'm a teacher.
Was a mistake.

You understand,
don't you, Arnold?

You were a teacher for a while.

When we was all in this together

then it meant something.
Not now.

Oh... Ow!

[groaning]

Saw what he did?

Barbarino, Epstein...

Alright, alright, look.

You're right, you're right,
I made a commitment to you guys.

There, my proof is gone,
I'll take the exams.

- Alright!
- Alright!

Hey, baby, way to go.

Very impressive gesture,
Mr. Kotter.

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever seen anybody do.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I want to
thank you too, Kotter.

You wanna thank me for what?

For tearing up a prescription
for tranquilizers.

My doctor gave me this morning.

I, uh...
I, uh, don't need them anyway.

Alright, attention,
attention. Attention!

I've an announcement
that should be of interest

to each and every Sweathog here.

Mr. Woodman,
will you please tell them

what you just told me
in the hall?

The, uh... examination results
are in.

For the first time in the
history of Buchanan High School

not a single Sweathog failed.

[cheering]

I haven't finished yet.

However...

There's a however?

As you grow older, Kotter,
you'll realize

there's always a however.

However the Sweathog
grade point average

might have reached
an all-time high.

But for one very low grade
in algebra.

One Sweathog just passed by
the skin of his teeth.

I leave it to you
to uncover the culprit.

We'll find him.

Alright, Mr. Kotter,
let's take it from the top.

An integer is a counting number.

- Right.
- So what's X?

- X is--
- X is unknown.

- And what's Y?
- Y?

Where?

Alright, let's start over, okay?

An integer is
a counting number, right?

- Y.
- Why? Because we like you.

And now--

Now is the time to say
goodbye to all our company.

♪ G-A-B ♪

Be a good boy.

♪ R-E-L ♪

Elevate our minds.

♪♪-O-T-T-R ♪

E-R, Kotter. Dummies, Kotter.
♪-O-T-T-E-R.

[theme music]

Ever tell you
about my Aunt Selma?

No, tell me
about your Aunt Selma.

Okay. She's a lousy driver.

She was so bad, she got
three tickets on a written test.

- Okay?
- That's bad.

You know you take
the written test... Okay.

Now, one day,
my Uncle Leon comes home

and my Aunt Selma is there
and the car is in the kitchen.

- Unbelievable.
- Isn't it unbelievable?

- It's incredible.
- You wanna know how?

Why don't you tell me
how the car got in the kitchen?

That's what my Uncle Leon said.

He said "Selma, how did you get
the car in the kitchen?"

She said, "It was easy,
I made a left

when I got to the living room."

[theme music]

Eleven. Yay!

- Julie.
- What?

- There's these two brothers.
- Two brothers.

- Go fishing all the time.
- They go fishing all the time.

So you're not going, are you?

These two brothers
go fishing all the time.

One always catches a lot of fish

the other doesn't catch
any fish.

- Nothing. Nothing.
- Right? Nothing.

Nil, null, and void, nothing,
can't catch a fish.

And he's getting mad about this,
'cause he can't catch any fish.

So one day he says
"I'm gonna get up

"at 5 o'clock,
I'm gonna beat my brother to it.

"I'm going out to the lake
and I'm gonna catch fish.

- 'Cause he won't be there."
- Smart.

He was smart, so he went fishing
5 o'clock in the morning

and he didn't catch any fish.

He was there for two hours,
7 o'clock, no fish.

Finally, a fish peeks its head
out of the water and says...

"So where's your brother?"

[theme song]

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead
ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the
spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could ♪

♪ Spot afriend ♪

♪ Welcome
back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think
how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene
you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something
that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here
where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause
we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪