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1
00:00:01,038 --> 00:00:02,638
Julie, did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Walden Carter?
2
00:00:02,721 --> 00:00:05,723
He was always afraid that
he wasn't gonna go to heaven.
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00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:07,866
Did he find out
if he was or not?
4
00:00:07,949 --> 00:00:10,343
Well, I'm glad
you asked me that.
5
00:00:10,426 --> 00:00:12,341
See, one time he took
a trip to India.
6
00:00:12,356 --> 00:00:15,157
Went up on the highest mountain,
spoke to the highest lama.
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He said, "You have to tell me,
I've to know
8
00:00:17,604 --> 00:00:18,866
am I going to heaven?"
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00:00:18,866 --> 00:00:22,548
Lama said, "Well, Mr. Carter.
I shall check and see.
10
00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:24,631
I'll let you know tomorrow."
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00:00:24,714 --> 00:00:26,116
He go to the hotel,
comes back the next day
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00:00:26,116 --> 00:00:27,919
and says, "Did you find out?
Did you find out?"
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00:00:27,939 --> 00:00:30,018
He said, "Mr. Carter,
I have good news for you
14
00:00:30,018 --> 00:00:32,620
"and I have bad news for you.
15
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:36,004
"The good news is,
yes, you are going to heaven.
16
00:00:36,024 --> 00:00:38,787
The bad news is,
you leave Thursday."
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00:00:41,377 --> 00:00:43,296
[male narrator] "Welcome Back Kotter"
is recorded live
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00:00:43,379 --> 00:00:45,620
before a studio audience.
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00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,957
[theme song]
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00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,699
♪ Welcome back ♪
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00:00:55,782 --> 00:00:59,573
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
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00:00:59,656 --> 00:01:01,792
♪ Welcome back ♪
23
00:01:01,875 --> 00:01:06,623
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
24
00:01:06,706 --> 00:01:10,975
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
25
00:01:11,058 --> 00:01:15,632
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
26
00:01:15,715 --> 00:01:17,674
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
27
00:01:17,705 --> 00:01:19,406
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
28
00:01:19,489 --> 00:01:21,495
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
29
00:01:21,578 --> 00:01:23,584
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
30
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:25,673
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
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00:01:25,756 --> 00:01:27,849
♪ 'Cause we've got him
on the spot ♪
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00:01:27,932 --> 00:01:30,026
♪ Welcome back ♪
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00:01:30,109 --> 00:01:35,331
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪
34
00:01:36,637 --> 00:01:38,878
[theme music]
35
00:01:43,774 --> 00:01:45,667
[bell ringing]
36
00:01:47,865 --> 00:01:49,325
Good morning.
37
00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:57,377
Okay.
38
00:01:57,507 --> 00:01:59,270
Your homework assignment
for today was to write
39
00:01:59,270 --> 00:02:00,990
a composition on
"What I wanna be."
40
00:02:01,073 --> 00:02:04,179
Which I'm sure you've all done.
So let's get right into it.
41
00:02:04,199 --> 00:02:06,059
Mr. Barbarino.
42
00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:24,052
"What I wanna be
by Vinnie Barbarino.
43
00:02:24,135 --> 00:02:28,797
"I wanna be a guy
who never writes compositions.
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00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,285
The end."
45
00:02:30,368 --> 00:02:32,870
[students cheering]
46
00:02:34,566 --> 00:02:38,003
You're gonna be a guy that
never gets outta high school.
47
00:02:38,571 --> 00:02:41,072
Sit down.
Freddie, let's hear yours.
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00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,038
"What I wanna be
49
00:02:48,121 --> 00:02:52,756
by Frederick... Boom Boom
Washington."
50
00:02:55,155 --> 00:02:56,615
Hi there.
51
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:00,178
See, like, um, I ain't decided
what I wanna be yet.
52
00:03:00,261 --> 00:03:01,322
But whatever it's gonna be
53
00:03:01,322 --> 00:03:02,522
it's gonna be
somethin' that pays well.
54
00:03:02,522 --> 00:03:03,342
You know,
somethin' with, like, uh
55
00:03:03,343 --> 00:03:05,706
the profit sharin'
and good pension.
56
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,727
You know what, um, like,
stock options, um
57
00:03:07,810 --> 00:03:09,188
three weeks paid vacation.
58
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:11,190
How about free hospitalization?
59
00:03:11,273 --> 00:03:14,053
And a secretary
that looks like Diana Ross.
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00:03:14,136 --> 00:03:15,357
And a suede sports coat.
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00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:19,489
You know, that come with
the patches on the elbow. Yeah.
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00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:22,234
Ah, Freddie, if you find
a job like that, let me know
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00:03:22,274 --> 00:03:24,620
'cause I'd like to apply too.
64
00:03:24,703 --> 00:03:29,692
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
65
00:03:29,775 --> 00:03:30,798
Ooh, ooh.
66
00:03:30,881 --> 00:03:33,667
Now, now, I may be wrong.
67
00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:36,056
But somehow
I get the feeling...
68
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:39,294
...that Arnold
wants to be next.
69
00:03:39,377 --> 00:03:42,489
Right you are, Mr. Kotter.
70
00:03:44,244 --> 00:03:46,159
You know how you was
always talkin' about
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00:03:46,187 --> 00:03:48,428
personal initiative?
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00:03:48,802 --> 00:03:52,583
Well, instead of
"What do I want to be?"
73
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:57,329
I have titled my composition,
"What do I want?"
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00:04:00,671 --> 00:04:02,833
[clears throat]
75
00:04:02,916 --> 00:04:04,376
Ahem.
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00:04:05,819 --> 00:04:07,440
"Dear, Santa.
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00:04:11,384 --> 00:04:14,207
"I know it is your off-season
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00:04:14,207 --> 00:04:17,990
"but I want a G.I. Joe.
79
00:04:19,814 --> 00:04:22,077
"And a Barbie doll
to keep him company.
80
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,584
"You know, when he...
81
00:04:24,584 --> 00:04:27,221
"...when he comes home
on leave, you know?
82
00:04:28,591 --> 00:04:31,392
"And if it isn't
too much trouble
83
00:04:31,476 --> 00:04:34,457
"I'd like to be taller.
84
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:39,050
But if not, please reconsider
my application for elf."
85
00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:41,330
[students cheering]
86
00:04:43,456 --> 00:04:46,981
Ho ho ho.
It's the Santa, little boy.
87
00:04:47,065 --> 00:04:49,248
I'm sorry, but we had
to lay off a few elves.
88
00:04:49,308 --> 00:04:51,135
It's been a lousy season.
89
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,315
The little guys had
to paint themselves green
90
00:04:53,397 --> 00:04:55,007
and become leprechauns.
91
00:04:55,090 --> 00:04:57,200
Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
92
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:06,070
Okay, now, Mr. Epstein...
93
00:05:06,153 --> 00:05:08,525
Barbarino, where is Epstein?
94
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:12,801
I ain't seen him.
95
00:05:12,884 --> 00:05:15,705
You haven't seen him?
96
00:05:15,789 --> 00:05:17,248
Where?
97
00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:19,533
Anywhere.
98
00:05:20,274 --> 00:05:21,734
Who?
99
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,075
Juan Epstein.
100
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,938
The Georgie Jessel of San Juan.
101
00:05:27,021 --> 00:05:28,481
Georgie who?
102
00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,104
Georgie Jessel.
103
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:33,524
Vinnie Barbarino
was a wonderful boy
104
00:05:33,607 --> 00:05:35,806
before he fell down
that day.
105
00:05:35,890 --> 00:05:39,392
And let's hope that
the damaged part will grow back.
106
00:05:40,687 --> 00:05:42,147
What?
107
00:05:43,457 --> 00:05:45,359
Alright,
try and read my lips.
108
00:05:45,443 --> 00:05:48,346
Where is Epstein?
109
00:05:48,527 --> 00:05:50,609
- There.
- Where?
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00:05:51,711 --> 00:05:53,125
Here.
111
00:05:54,016 --> 00:05:54,992
- Hey, Juan.
- Hey, man.
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00:05:55,075 --> 00:05:56,274
Alright, Epstein, come on.
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00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:59,106
Let's have it
so we can get to work.
114
00:05:59,189 --> 00:06:00,649
What?
115
00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:03,326
One of your famous notes
that'll read something like
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00:06:03,326 --> 00:06:05,148
"Please excuse Juan
for being late.
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00:06:05,168 --> 00:06:06,604
"He was kidnapped
by the jet set
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00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:10,053
and left tied up on a lawn
in Hyannis Port."
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00:06:11,031 --> 00:06:12,031
Signed...
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00:06:12,051 --> 00:06:14,432
[all] Epstein's mother.
121
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:18,253
Yeah, well, I ain't got
no note, Mr. Kotter.
122
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,339
I was home because,
uh, Florence is sick
123
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,399
and I had to
take care of her.
124
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:24,617
You had to take care
of somebody?
125
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,602
Epstein, since when
are you a doctor?
126
00:06:26,686 --> 00:06:29,802
You didn't even know
how to play golf.
127
00:06:29,885 --> 00:06:31,688
Yeah, but Florence don't trust
nobody but me.
128
00:06:31,771 --> 00:06:34,151
That's why I had
to bring her to school.
129
00:06:34,234 --> 00:06:36,712
Well, where is this
sick person?
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00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,688
In the box.
131
00:06:41,378 --> 00:06:44,059
You stuffed somebody in a box?
132
00:06:44,902 --> 00:06:47,762
Yeah. You see, uh,
this is Florence.
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00:06:47,845 --> 00:06:50,369
It's my pet hamster.
134
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:53,114
It's a rat!
It's a rat! It's a rat!
135
00:06:54,003 --> 00:06:57,187
Oh, oh, my chair.
Get a broom.
136
00:06:57,270 --> 00:07:01,675
Back, back, back, back,
back, back.
137
00:07:01,758 --> 00:07:04,156
Arnold,
it's, it's not a rat.
138
00:07:04,239 --> 00:07:06,958
- It's a hamster.
- Oh.
139
00:07:08,238 --> 00:07:12,646
Oh, Epstein,
he looks just like you.
140
00:07:12,729 --> 00:07:15,709
He's all hairy
with mean little eyes.
141
00:07:16,391 --> 00:07:18,374
Florence is a she.
142
00:07:18,457 --> 00:07:19,656
Okay, come on, everybody,
sit down.
143
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,799
Come on, let's go.
Sit down.
144
00:07:21,882 --> 00:07:22,964
Hey, Juan,
you never told me you had
145
00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,339
this interest in hamsters.
146
00:07:24,422 --> 00:07:25,645
You never asked.
147
00:07:25,728 --> 00:07:28,069
Hey, I got myself
some white mice
148
00:07:28,152 --> 00:07:29,994
and-and-and a chicken
who escaped from a butcher shop
149
00:07:29,994 --> 00:07:32,630
and was tryin' to
cross the Bay Parkway.
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00:07:34,146 --> 00:07:36,686
You know, your assignment today
was to write a composition
151
00:07:36,769 --> 00:07:38,408
on "What I wanna be."
152
00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:40,509
Have you ever considered
becomin' a vet?
153
00:07:40,592 --> 00:07:41,552
Oh, no.
154
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,180
My brother Sanchez
was in the army.
155
00:07:46,721 --> 00:07:49,023
He didn't like it a bit.
156
00:07:49,144 --> 00:07:52,441
No, I'm not talkin' about a
veteran. I mean a veterinarian.
157
00:07:52,525 --> 00:07:54,688
Oh, yeah.
My sister's a veterinarian.
158
00:07:54,771 --> 00:07:57,152
But I gotta have meat.
159
00:07:58,306 --> 00:08:01,178
Not a vegetarian.
A veterinarian.
160
00:08:01,261 --> 00:08:04,107
A person who takes care
of animals.
161
00:08:04,138 --> 00:08:06,161
Like my mother.
162
00:08:08,206 --> 00:08:11,345
I'm not talkin' about animals
like you and your brothers.
163
00:08:11,429 --> 00:08:13,574
I'm talkin' real animals.
164
00:08:13,657 --> 00:08:16,078
Cats, dogs, monkeys.
165
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,583
- You think you can do that?
- Me?
166
00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:20,828
Ah, come on.
167
00:08:20,994 --> 00:08:22,513
I think you should
see Ms. Helms
168
00:08:22,596 --> 00:08:24,437
the Career Guidance Counselor.
169
00:08:24,478 --> 00:08:26,458
Oh, young man, she could channel
your interest in animals
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00:08:26,541 --> 00:08:29,500
into a worthwhile
and rewarding career.
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00:08:29,583 --> 00:08:32,977
I didn't know
what to do with my life.
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00:08:33,009 --> 00:08:37,651
A friend interested me in
the Columbia School of Hamsters.
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00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,953
I think you too can have
a rewarding career
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00:08:40,017 --> 00:08:42,758
among our furry friends.
175
00:08:42,841 --> 00:08:44,860
The Columbia School of Hamsters
should not be confused
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00:08:44,943 --> 00:08:47,807
with the
Columbia School of Rats.
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00:08:48,006 --> 00:08:49,467
Si hablo,hamster.
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00:08:52,162 --> 00:08:56,125
But can he get good pay
in a short time?
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00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:01,890
I am serious, Epstein.
I think you should try for it.
180
00:09:01,973 --> 00:09:04,633
Yeah, well, Dr. Epstein.
181
00:09:04,716 --> 00:09:06,631
It's got a nice ring to it.
182
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,129
[all cheering]
183
00:09:12,665 --> 00:09:15,445
Modern computer technology
and video cassette curriculum
184
00:09:15,528 --> 00:09:18,328
can lead to a day in which
the one-to-one educative
185
00:09:18,411 --> 00:09:21,346
confrontation as we know it,
will be outmoded.
186
00:09:21,346 --> 00:09:23,268
Now, let me understand this,
Ms. Helms.
187
00:09:23,288 --> 00:09:26,593
You mean that some day
I'll be able to run this school
188
00:09:26,652 --> 00:09:28,479
and not have to deal
with students?
189
00:09:28,554 --> 00:09:29,515
Absolutely.
190
00:09:29,598 --> 00:09:30,633
Not on today's inefficient
191
00:09:30,672 --> 00:09:33,475
face-to-face level.
192
00:09:33,477 --> 00:09:34,879
Imagine that, Kotter.
193
00:09:34,962 --> 00:09:37,420
A school with no students.
194
00:09:38,487 --> 00:09:40,337
That would be heaven.
195
00:09:41,510 --> 00:09:43,092
And the next step...
196
00:09:43,152 --> 00:09:44,793
...no teachers.
197
00:09:45,612 --> 00:09:47,646
Everything
will be electronic.
198
00:09:47,729 --> 00:09:49,189
Hah.
199
00:09:49,698 --> 00:09:51,939
Good morning,
boys and girls.
200
00:09:52,022 --> 00:09:54,122
I am your
social studies robot.
201
00:09:55,646 --> 00:09:58,958
My name is Kotter P2-12.
202
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:02,760
Now, everybody, relax
because nothing can go wrong.
203
00:10:03,621 --> 00:10:05,584
Now, everybody,
take out your homework.
204
00:10:05,667 --> 00:10:07,673
Homework. Homework. Homework.
Have you done your homework?
205
00:10:07,756 --> 00:10:10,153
Homework. Homework. Homework.
Homework. Homework. Homework.
206
00:10:10,236 --> 00:10:12,956
Just as I should expect.
207
00:10:14,153 --> 00:10:15,914
A Kotter doll.
208
00:10:17,602 --> 00:10:21,039
You wind it up,
and it makes a fool of itself.
209
00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:24,354
You have no feeling
for progress, Kotter.
210
00:10:24,437 --> 00:10:25,960
If that's progress,
Mr. Woodman
211
00:10:26,021 --> 00:10:28,807
I am going into
my uncle's deli business.
212
00:10:28,807 --> 00:10:31,977
I never heard of anybody
trying to computerize a salami.
213
00:10:33,159 --> 00:10:35,739
Computerized salami.
214
00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:38,654
What did he call me?
215
00:10:39,703 --> 00:10:41,665
Juan Epstein, I'd like you
to meet Ms. Helms.
216
00:10:41,748 --> 00:10:44,668
- Ms. Helms, Juan Epstein.
- Oh, how do you do, Ms. Helms?
217
00:10:44,751 --> 00:10:47,333
Hey, you know, the more I think
about this animal doctor
218
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:48,993
and the better
it sounds, you know?
219
00:10:49,076 --> 00:10:51,875
Calling Dr. Epstein.
Calling Dr. Epstein.
220
00:10:51,958 --> 00:10:54,896
Chihuahua havin'
a nervous breakdown.
221
00:10:55,702 --> 00:10:58,683
Ostrich on a paranoid trip.
222
00:10:59,566 --> 00:11:00,862
How's Florence?
223
00:11:00,945 --> 00:11:02,947
Oh, you know,
about the same.
224
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:07,100
All she does is roll over
and take a drink now and then.
225
00:11:07,183 --> 00:11:08,224
Well, don't worry.
226
00:11:08,307 --> 00:11:10,676
I go for whole weekends
like that.
227
00:11:13,110 --> 00:11:15,753
- Why don't we sit down?
- Yeah. Yeah.
228
00:11:15,836 --> 00:11:17,395
Mr. Epstein.
229
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,618
Your sub-gradial GPA
as shown on our grafted
230
00:11:20,701 --> 00:11:23,825
SAT projections, place you
in the anterior range
231
00:11:23,825 --> 00:11:25,926
of our median curve.
232
00:11:29,732 --> 00:11:32,113
What is she talking about?
233
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,777
Oh, well, she said
that your, uh...
234
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,801
She's trying to, uh...
235
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:42,625
What're you talkin' about?
236
00:11:43,208 --> 00:11:46,914
This student falls
below the career level
237
00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:48,810
for a career professional.
238
00:11:48,893 --> 00:11:51,797
Um, lawyer, economist,
any sort of engineer.
239
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,780
More aptly, he should be
channeled toward employment
240
00:11:53,863 --> 00:11:56,023
involving overly simple routine
241
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:58,979
within a highly
supervised environment.
242
00:11:59,062 --> 00:12:00,706
Ms. Helms,
let's make it simple.
243
00:12:00,718 --> 00:12:04,164
Put it right on the table.
Can Juan be a veterinarian?
244
00:12:04,247 --> 00:12:06,112
I think this student
should explore
245
00:12:06,112 --> 00:12:10,559
the highly rewarding field
of manual labor.
246
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,717
Are you sayin' I can't be a vet?
247
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,919
- Wait a minute, Juan, let me--
- No, no, no, really. Please.
248
00:12:20,002 --> 00:12:22,322
Hey, look, you know,
Mr. Kotter always tells us
249
00:12:22,405 --> 00:12:24,581
"Hey, you can be
whatever you wanna be."
250
00:12:24,664 --> 00:12:27,106
- Anything realistic.
- Yeah. So, I wanna be a vet.
251
00:12:27,149 --> 00:12:29,748
- A doctor for animals.
- Well, that's impossible.
252
00:12:29,831 --> 00:12:32,136
- Why?
- Well, it just isn't here.
253
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:33,716
But he's already got
all kinds of animals
254
00:12:33,799 --> 00:12:34,899
and takes care of 'em now.
255
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,614
That's what he came to
talk to you about.
256
00:12:36,697 --> 00:12:38,785
Well, it's certainly fortunate
that he did.
257
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,670
Since to encourage him
in this direction, quite frankly
258
00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:44,804
could be harmful both to
Mr. Epstein and to his animals.
259
00:12:44,804 --> 00:12:47,885
Harmful? Does it say,
does it say I'm harmful here?
260
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:48,889
Is that what,
Is she's sayin' I'm gonna do
261
00:12:48,889 --> 00:12:50,231
somethin' bad to my animals?
262
00:12:50,251 --> 00:12:51,953
I don't think
she understands the situation.
263
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:53,314
Let me have a few words with her
264
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,374
and I'll talk to you later,
okay, Juan?
265
00:12:55,457 --> 00:12:58,045
Phew!
That was a quick career.
266
00:12:59,201 --> 00:13:01,837
Thanks a lot
for the bum ride, Kotter.
267
00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:05,954
Juan. Juan, come here.
268
00:13:09,186 --> 00:13:11,206
You see, Mr. Kotter,
this is a good example
269
00:13:11,289 --> 00:13:13,933
of why the personal interface
method should be replaced.
270
00:13:13,953 --> 00:13:16,997
Many times a subject feels
confused, threatened--
271
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,980
Well, you're the one that
confused and threatened him.
272
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,920
You were supposed
to counsel him. Help him.
273
00:13:21,003 --> 00:13:23,920
All you did was throw his hopes
and dreams out the window.
274
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,607
Mr. Epstein just doesn't
have the numbers.
275
00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:28,931
I have no other answer for him.
276
00:13:29,014 --> 00:13:32,058
Yeah. Well, I have
an answer for you, lady.
277
00:13:32,058 --> 00:13:35,212
Up your nose
with your computer hose.
278
00:13:39,098 --> 00:13:42,165
And twice as far
with a chocolate bar.
279
00:13:47,004 --> 00:13:49,789
- Gabe, would you calm down?
- How can I calm down?
280
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,511
Those kids will
never trust me again.
281
00:13:51,594 --> 00:13:54,157
I mean, after what
that woman said to him.
282
00:13:54,157 --> 00:13:57,020
"I'm sorry, Mr. Epstein, but
your family stands for bungeon.
283
00:13:57,020 --> 00:13:58,674
"And your clayvin'
had just hit your grammars.
284
00:13:58,683 --> 00:14:02,319
So therefore, your future
has just been canceled."
285
00:14:02,402 --> 00:14:04,362
I mean, if someone would've
said that when I was in school
286
00:14:04,405 --> 00:14:05,844
I would never become a teacher.
287
00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:07,346
I'd probably be
a dance instructor
288
00:14:07,429 --> 00:14:10,368
at Leilani Shapiro's
Dance Palace.
289
00:14:11,655 --> 00:14:14,019
Ah. Madame Ms. Suganer.
290
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,022
How beautiful you look
this evening.
291
00:14:16,042 --> 00:14:20,938
You are simply delightful for a
76-year-old woman with no teeth.
292
00:14:22,431 --> 00:14:24,348
How would you like...
293
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,013
Were you expecting somebody?
294
00:14:26,096 --> 00:14:27,718
- No.
- Oh.
295
00:14:30,882 --> 00:14:32,442
- Ooh.
- Arnold, what is that?
296
00:14:32,525 --> 00:14:34,427
Truman Capote.
297
00:14:36,531 --> 00:14:39,594
Epstein says,
"Take good care of him."
298
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:44,504
Epstein says
you should take good care
299
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:46,624
of these little mousketeers.
300
00:14:46,707 --> 00:14:51,773
This is Jimmy, Darleen,
Cubby and Annette.
301
00:14:52,657 --> 00:14:56,000
Um, Annette's the one
with the good built.
302
00:14:57,602 --> 00:15:00,323
Here, Epstein wants you
to take care of Wally
303
00:15:00,406 --> 00:15:03,206
Lumpy, Eddie Haskell
304
00:15:03,289 --> 00:15:06,574
and of course
Jerry Mathers is the beaver.
305
00:15:09,337 --> 00:15:13,450
This is, uh, Harpo
and that's John-Boy.
306
00:15:15,352 --> 00:15:18,225
And Florence
you met already.
307
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:20,268
Okay, okay.
Now what's goin' on here, huh?
308
00:15:20,351 --> 00:15:23,490
Ringling Brothers are going
out-of-business sale?
309
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,293
Well, thanks to you
and that computer lady
310
00:15:25,313 --> 00:15:28,194
Juan don't think
he can take care of 'em anymore.
311
00:15:28,277 --> 00:15:29,860
Juan, you can't leave
these animals here.
312
00:15:29,860 --> 00:15:31,702
Especially Florence.
She's sick.
313
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,746
Oh, you heard
that computer lady.
314
00:15:33,746 --> 00:15:38,380
My sub-gradial took a nosedive
into the curve of my posterior.
315
00:15:40,055 --> 00:15:44,479
Besides, Florence would be
a lot better off without me.
316
00:15:44,562 --> 00:15:46,662
They all will.
317
00:15:46,782 --> 00:15:49,066
Hey, can I have some time alone
with my little friends, guys?
318
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:50,488
- Sure, sure.
- Sure, Juan.
319
00:15:50,571 --> 00:15:52,934
- Okay.
- See you later.
320
00:15:54,658 --> 00:15:57,841
Now is the time
to say goodbye...
321
00:15:57,861 --> 00:16:00,146
...to all my company.
322
00:16:03,707 --> 00:16:05,567
Goodbye, Harpo.
323
00:16:10,093 --> 00:16:12,073
Goodnight, John-Boy.
324
00:16:16,659 --> 00:16:20,096
Take care of 'em like
they was your own, Mr. Kotter.
325
00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:23,244
'Cause they are.
326
00:16:24,802 --> 00:16:28,307
Well, I guess it's gonna be
13 more for dinner.
327
00:16:35,405 --> 00:16:38,703
Oh, boy! What a night.
328
00:16:38,786 --> 00:16:41,489
Those white mice
didn't stop screaming all night
329
00:16:41,489 --> 00:16:44,329
at the other hamster
on that wheel.
330
00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:47,510
That was just some
Japanese monster movie.
331
00:16:47,593 --> 00:16:49,814
The Hamster Who Ate
Brooklyn. Aso, aso.
332
00:16:49,897 --> 00:16:51,679
[blabbering]
333
00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:54,103
Honey, you better
take a look at Florence.
334
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:56,280
She looks worse
than she did last night.
335
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:58,604
Last night
she looked terrible.
336
00:16:58,608 --> 00:17:01,165
- Wow, she really looks bad.
- I know.
337
00:17:01,248 --> 00:17:03,511
- I better call Epstein.
- Okay.
338
00:17:03,594 --> 00:17:04,675
I'm gonna get a hold
of the only person
339
00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:06,032
that can help you, Florence.
340
00:17:06,116 --> 00:17:07,897
Dr. Juan.
341
00:17:11,817 --> 00:17:14,601
Epstein, it's Gabe.
Uh, Mr. Kotter.
342
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:17,607
Look, Florence
doesn't look so good.
343
00:17:17,690 --> 00:17:19,270
Well, she's rolled over
on one side
344
00:17:19,353 --> 00:17:21,245
and she's breathing very heavy.
345
00:17:22,737 --> 00:17:24,802
Well, it sounds like, uh...
346
00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:28,922
[panting]
347
00:17:29,005 --> 00:17:30,445
Anybody who walked in now
would think I'm makin'
348
00:17:30,528 --> 00:17:33,212
an obscene phone call
to the Bronx Zoo.
349
00:17:33,212 --> 00:17:36,773
What? A cold compress
on her forehead?
350
00:17:36,857 --> 00:17:40,520
Epstein, she has a tiny little
forehead all covered with hair.
351
00:17:41,538 --> 00:17:44,401
Oh, she just rolled over again.
352
00:17:44,484 --> 00:17:45,945
She's what?
353
00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:48,430
Okay, look, I'll meet you in
school in ten minutes, alright?
354
00:17:48,513 --> 00:17:50,863
Okay, be there, right?
Get everybody. Alright.
355
00:17:50,943 --> 00:17:52,119
What?
356
00:17:52,203 --> 00:17:54,826
Florence is gonna
have a baby.
357
00:17:54,909 --> 00:17:56,477
Looks like she's been doing
more than running around
358
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:58,714
that exercise wheel.
359
00:18:03,544 --> 00:18:05,004
Goodbye.
360
00:18:06,547 --> 00:18:09,092
[siren wailing]
361
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,959
Come on, let's go,
turn around.
362
00:18:15,042 --> 00:18:17,092
Alright, hold on, Florence,
we'll get you there.
363
00:18:17,175 --> 00:18:19,268
Hold on, Florence.
364
00:18:19,351 --> 00:18:21,226
We're having an operation.
365
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,628
- Take that. Take that.
- Get ready for the operation.
366
00:18:23,711 --> 00:18:25,032
Alright, alright,
I'm gonna get hot water.
367
00:18:25,032 --> 00:18:27,075
I'm going
to the cafeteria.
368
00:18:27,158 --> 00:18:30,204
- Do we need anything else?
- Yeah. Bring me back a BLT.
369
00:18:30,287 --> 00:18:32,423
- BLT.
- Hold the mayo.
370
00:18:32,424 --> 00:18:34,849
- Hold the mayo.
- A prune Danish.
371
00:18:34,849 --> 00:18:35,998
[Kotter] Prune Danish.
372
00:18:35,999 --> 00:18:38,461
- A submarine sandwich.
- Submarine sandwich.
373
00:18:38,462 --> 00:18:39,964
Okay, BLT, hold the mayo
374
00:18:39,964 --> 00:18:41,907
submarine sandwich
and prune Danish, right?
375
00:18:41,908 --> 00:18:44,071
But if they don't got prune,
cheese is okay.
376
00:18:44,071 --> 00:18:47,996
Okay, if they don't got prune,
cheese is...
377
00:18:47,997 --> 00:18:51,322
- I'll get the hot water.
- Alright.
378
00:18:51,405 --> 00:18:53,964
Quick, quick, clear the desk.
Clear the desk.
379
00:18:53,965 --> 00:18:57,236
Bring the patient over here.
Bring the patient over here.
380
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:58,297
Surgical instruments.
381
00:18:58,298 --> 00:19:00,786
- Surgical instruments.
- Surgical instruments.
382
00:19:00,786 --> 00:19:01,826
- Syringe!
- Syringe!
383
00:19:01,909 --> 00:19:03,136
- Thermometer!
- Thermometer!
384
00:19:03,219 --> 00:19:05,112
- Soldering iron.
- Solder...
385
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:08,450
What are we gonna do
with this soldering iron?
386
00:19:08,553 --> 00:19:12,257
Well, you see, I figured it was
a lot faster than stitches.
387
00:19:12,996 --> 00:19:14,278
- Okay, mask.
- Mask.
388
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:16,644
Mask, mask, mask.
389
00:19:17,163 --> 00:19:20,147
Lights, lights, lights.
390
00:19:20,230 --> 00:19:21,030
Lights. Okay.
391
00:19:21,031 --> 00:19:23,246
Okay. Sponge, wipe, wipe.
392
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:26,572
I'm wiping
as fast as I can.
393
00:19:27,757 --> 00:19:31,215
You want faster,
call Marcus Welby.
394
00:19:32,163 --> 00:19:33,926
Okay, okay, okay.
395
00:19:35,089 --> 00:19:36,089
Florence.
396
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:38,220
You got Blue Cross?
397
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:41,615
Alright, would you
sign right here?
398
00:19:41,698 --> 00:19:42,698
[Juan] Come on, come on.
399
00:19:42,699 --> 00:19:44,317
She can't sign that.
400
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,186
I'm sorry. We cannot operate
if she doesn't sign it.
401
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:49,562
Sign this thing here.
402
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:52,030
Come on, vital signs,
vital signs.
403
00:19:52,113 --> 00:19:53,574
- Heartbeat?
- Normal.
404
00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:55,995
Breathin'?
405
00:19:57,035 --> 00:19:58,497
Yes, yes, yeah.
406
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,669
Well, from here on,
it's up to Florence.
407
00:20:00,684 --> 00:20:02,263
All we could do
is make her comfortable.
408
00:20:02,346 --> 00:20:03,424
- Ah, Dr. Horshack.
- Huh?
409
00:20:03,507 --> 00:20:04,967
Would you tear some paper
and put in there
410
00:20:05,050 --> 00:20:06,148
and make her comfortable?
411
00:20:06,231 --> 00:20:07,350
- Certainly.
- Dr. Washington.
412
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:08,654
Get the lamp,
get it in there
413
00:20:08,654 --> 00:20:10,337
let's get some heat in there.
Let's get some heat.
414
00:20:10,357 --> 00:20:12,205
Alright, I'll plug it in.
415
00:20:13,661 --> 00:20:16,903
Gentlemen,
I've done what I can.
416
00:20:16,986 --> 00:20:19,247
Now all we can do...
417
00:20:20,751 --> 00:20:22,391
...is wait.
418
00:20:25,653 --> 00:20:28,109
I never attend
classes in person.
419
00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:30,455
- They're filled with students.
- Well, it's about time you did.
420
00:20:30,539 --> 00:20:33,140
It's important that you see
what's going on in my classroom.
421
00:20:33,223 --> 00:20:34,445
Help, he's taking me
in with people.
422
00:20:34,445 --> 00:20:36,620
In there, Helms.
How's it goin', Juan?
423
00:20:36,629 --> 00:20:39,066
- Here's your hot water.
- Oh, pretty good, Mr. Kotter.
424
00:20:39,149 --> 00:20:40,751
Look, do you see,
she's already had one baby
425
00:20:40,815 --> 00:20:42,318
she's about to have another.
Take a look.
426
00:20:42,338 --> 00:20:44,241
Huh? Isn't that terrific,
Helms?
427
00:20:44,261 --> 00:20:45,961
That's re...
428
00:20:47,786 --> 00:20:49,348
Oh, boy!
429
00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:52,910
You better sit down.
You don't look too hot.
430
00:20:52,994 --> 00:20:54,875
Oh, boy!
431
00:20:56,359 --> 00:21:01,385
Isn't that great the way
she can do that, Mr. Kotter?
432
00:21:02,307 --> 00:21:05,201
What'll they think of next?
433
00:21:08,175 --> 00:21:10,677
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
434
00:21:12,241 --> 00:21:15,384
All I want to know
is who's the father?
435
00:21:16,866 --> 00:21:19,907
I think it's John-Boy.
436
00:21:19,990 --> 00:21:23,145
He is not
as innocent as he looks.
437
00:21:24,552 --> 00:21:27,677
Hey, man, that don't
look like no hamsters.
438
00:21:27,761 --> 00:21:31,141
Look more like
prunes with hair.
439
00:21:31,225 --> 00:21:36,296
Am I to understand that you
supervised this whole process?
440
00:21:36,714 --> 00:21:38,158
Affirmative.
441
00:21:38,242 --> 00:21:41,114
I supervised
the delivery and...
442
00:21:41,197 --> 00:21:44,100
...John-Boy supervised
everything else.
443
00:21:44,157 --> 00:21:45,401
You see,
in a couple of minutes now
444
00:21:45,401 --> 00:21:48,686
she's gonna start
feeding them by herself.
445
00:21:48,966 --> 00:21:52,872
Ah, this is amazing. I mean,
it-it's really remarkable.
446
00:21:52,955 --> 00:21:55,881
Well, you know what I think
would be terrific, Ms. Helms?
447
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:57,581
I think it'd be great
if you schedule
448
00:21:57,664 --> 00:22:00,264
another counseling session
with Mr. Epstein.
449
00:22:00,348 --> 00:22:01,747
Ah, well...
450
00:22:01,830 --> 00:22:04,893
And this is not to admit that
I was wrong, you understand.
451
00:22:04,976 --> 00:22:07,955
But I have been know
to reprogram my mind.
452
00:22:08,038 --> 00:22:09,459
Hey, look, that's okay.
453
00:22:09,542 --> 00:22:11,023
But next time we get together
454
00:22:11,026 --> 00:22:12,725
you gotta talk English, see?
455
00:22:12,809 --> 00:22:15,658
'Cause, like, uh, hey,
I don't understand computer.
456
00:22:16,306 --> 00:22:18,874
I'll try, Dr. Epstein.
457
00:22:18,957 --> 00:22:21,593
Oh, hey, Mr. Kotter,
this is for you.
458
00:22:22,417 --> 00:22:25,042
- A bubble gum cigar.
- Yeah.
459
00:22:25,125 --> 00:22:27,283
They're are very difficult
to keep lit.
460
00:22:27,367 --> 00:22:30,411
Yeah, well, it's a little
present from me and Florence
461
00:22:30,411 --> 00:22:33,652
and... little Gabe and Julie.
462
00:22:35,958 --> 00:22:38,392
Little Gabe and Julie, huh?
463
00:22:38,475 --> 00:22:39,935
Aw!
464
00:22:41,785 --> 00:22:43,744
Which one is Gabe?
465
00:22:43,828 --> 00:22:45,850
The one with the mustache.
466
00:22:47,138 --> 00:22:50,308
So Julie is the little skinny
one over there, huh?
467
00:22:54,970 --> 00:22:56,650
Hi, Julie.
468
00:22:57,310 --> 00:22:59,474
Hey, Julie, did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Max?
469
00:22:59,557 --> 00:23:01,036
Well, he was 64 years old
470
00:23:01,079 --> 00:23:04,282
he decided to marry
a 28-year-old girl...
471
00:23:07,363 --> 00:23:08,946
Julie, did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Max?
472
00:23:09,029 --> 00:23:14,273
He was 64 years old,
he married a 28-year-old girl.
473
00:23:14,273 --> 00:23:15,494
No.
474
00:23:15,577 --> 00:23:18,476
Why don't you tell me about it?
475
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:20,904
Oh, I would be delighted to.
476
00:23:20,987 --> 00:23:22,554
You see, Uncle Max was 64,
477
00:23:22,570 --> 00:23:24,954
and he wanted to marry
this 28-year-old girl.
478
00:23:24,955 --> 00:23:26,096
I called him on the phone,
I said
479
00:23:26,097 --> 00:23:28,140
"Uncle Max,
you cannot marry that girl.
480
00:23:28,141 --> 00:23:29,382
"At her age, you're gonna
have to take her out
481
00:23:29,383 --> 00:23:30,925
"you're gonna have to
make love to her.
482
00:23:30,926 --> 00:23:33,603
At your age,
it could be fatal."
483
00:23:33,603 --> 00:23:36,646
He said, "Listen, if she dies,
she dies."
484
00:23:43,049 --> 00:23:45,507
[theme song]
485
00:23:50,230 --> 00:23:52,932
♪ Welcome back ♪
486
00:23:53,015 --> 00:23:56,675
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
487
00:23:56,758 --> 00:23:58,982
♪ Welcome back ♪
488
00:23:59,065 --> 00:24:03,769
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
489
00:24:03,852 --> 00:24:08,034
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
490
00:24:08,117 --> 00:24:12,778
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
491
00:24:12,861 --> 00:24:14,867
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
492
00:24:14,950 --> 00:24:16,608
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
493
00:24:16,691 --> 00:24:18,741
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
494
00:24:18,824 --> 00:24:20,699
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
495
00:24:20,782 --> 00:24:22,875
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
496
00:24:22,958 --> 00:24:25,095
♪ 'Cause we've got him
on the spot ♪
497
00:24:25,178 --> 00:24:27,314
♪ Welcome back ♪
498
00:24:27,397 --> 00:24:31,536
♪ Welcome back welcome back
welcome back ♪
499
00:24:31,619 --> 00:24:33,799
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
500
00:24:33,882 --> 00:24:36,541
♪ Welcome back ♪
501
00:24:36,624 --> 00:24:40,284
♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪
502
00:24:40,367 --> 00:24:42,721
♪ Welcome back ♪
503
00:24:42,804 --> 00:24:47,334
♪ And I smile when I think
how it must have been ♪
504
00:24:47,417 --> 00:24:51,643
♪ And I know what a scene
you were learnin' in ♪
505
00:24:51,726 --> 00:24:55,821
♪ Was there something
that made you come back again ♪
506
00:24:55,904 --> 00:24:58,433
♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪
507
00:24:58,516 --> 00:25:00,086
♪ What could ever lead ya ♪
508
00:25:00,169 --> 00:25:02,262
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
509
00:25:02,345 --> 00:25:04,957
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪♪
37905
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