All language subtitles for Veep - 07x06 - Oslo.720p-1080p.MEMENTO+ION10.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

- Madame President.
- Murman!

It's so good to see you.

Have you imprisoned any
good novelists recently?

(laughs)

Selina Meyer! The woman who freed Tibet!

(applause)

- Lloyd is my real dad?
- Oh! I think I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.

The governor called, he wants me to
resign as mayor effective immediately.

What? You didn't do anything wrong.

He's appointed me the new
Lieutenant Governor.

"By giving Meyer the nomination,

they can ensure a Montez presidency."

You look so familiar to me.

You brought a woman into
my clinic to have her

pregnancy terminated.

Could you be a little more specific?

Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no
easy way to tell you this.

Your mother's boat

exploded off the coast of
Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only person aboard.

MAN: Congratulations, Madam President.

Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.

The woman who freed Tibet is finally
getting her Nobel Peace Prize.

Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.

You've won the Summit Peace Award

of the World Summit of
Nobel Peace Laureates.

It's kinda like the Peace Prize Junior.

The American voters don't
know the difference,

and, frankly, neither do I.

Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel

to work on your acceptance speech.

OK, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,

but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.

- OK? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.

I wanna sound like
Bono trying to impress

his own reflection in the mirror.

- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.

Hey... Was that Colonel Al-Saleh,

the Butcher of Juba, back
there by the carving station?

The Nobel people don't
ask too many questions

if you buy a table.
Ma'am, at this point,

they're just trying to
avoid losing the building.

SELINA: My Nobel prize
really makes the point

that I've got way more foreign policy
experience than that half-wit Kemi.

I think it's pronounced "half-white."

Well, "tomato, mulatto."

Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's
wedding is in three weeks,

and her and her wedding planner...

Can you just say you? You and Catherine.

We're a little concerned
about sitting you

next to Marjorie's shaman.

- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.

Thank you very much. So, I understand

we're having some sort
of a seating issue?

Whatever you gals want is fine by me...

As long as someone lets me have
mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets

- at the reception.
- Oh, God.

Listen, darling,

why don't you get married

over here in Europe?

Because without an
American marriage license,

U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.

Marjorie is my soul mate forever.

- I don't know why you would bring...
- That's fine.

You and your maid of honor here

can sit me next to whatever
Injun Joe you want.

It's your special day, so...

- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.

- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.

Um... when...

am I getting my meeting with
President Lu about the Montez stuff?

Oh, I can't hear you. I can't hear you.

- Legally not present.
- Guys, listen...

I just need to get in a
room with Lu, one on one,

so I can change his mind about
supporting me for president.

Face to face, I can convince
anyone of anything.

- That's not true.
- Incorrect.

You're both wrong.

- BOTH: You're right.
- OK?

Ma'am, Lu's people have
been Great-Walling us.

I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.

That's why I brought along some bait.

- MINNA: Selina!
- Minna!

- Oh, Minna!
- (Minna squeals)

Lu developed a real hankering

for Finnish furburger
back at Camp David.

He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.

- Minna! Oh...
- Selina!

- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining

that my naughty talk is both
incessant and soporific.

Maybe you should let 'em choke you.

You think they would rather choke
me than listen to me talk?

I can only speak for myself.

Uh, where is Lu?

- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know
you were still alive.

The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia. Ha!

- Oh, good for you.
- Factory reboot.

BOTH: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.

A bit of personal news.

I recently bought an
English football club.

- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.

No English players, so pretty good team.

- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.

What if I gave you money to
help you win your election?

America does not stand

for foreign interference
in our elections!

- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.

- It's an outrage!
- New topic. New topic.

I want to buy your Palm Beach
house for $114 million.

Needless to say, real estate
is a different animal.

They're not making any
more of it, right?

Everybody's gotta live somewhere.

I'd rather deal with the Russian mob

than with those real estate people.

It's because they're unethical,
that's what they are.

Because they are working on commissions.

Yes! Six percent?

It's abject greed, in my view.

The 114 million would be wired

from the Seychelles to Malta,

then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.

I'm very flattered, Murman, I really am,

but your timing is horrendous.

Ahh. To live is to suffer,
Selina. The human condition.

- Yes.
- Ahh!

- White people problems, right?
- OK.

- (kisses)
- Thank you.

Thank you, Murman.

- (chatter)
- KENT: You were right, ma'am.

Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.

SELINA: What's the word, Minna?

President Lu will meet you in
the West Salon in ten minutes.

He seems quite excited.

Yeah, we could see that from here.

SELINA: Keith.

- Oh, hi!
- Where is Lu?

You don't get to see Lu.

You need to go through me,
that's how this works.

I know all about Lu's secret plan

to get President Montez
elected for a second term.

So you go, and you tell Lu

that I want to talk to
him directly, right now.

You're going to do exactly what we say.

- I'm sorry?
- Or else we'll tell the whole world

how you vaporized a DRA leader's
wedding with Hellfire missiles

and also took a huge laser-guided shit

all over Pakistani sovereignty...

OK, A, that never happened.

And B, that footage
is highly classified.

It was classified... Until
somebody on your staff

clicked on "Asian Girls
Bound and Gagged."

Oh, Ben.

Or Kent.

Or Leon. Oh, God.

Or Marjorie. I mean, I...

Jonah, your anti-vaccination message

is bringing together an unheard-of mix

of Orthodox Jews, uneducated
fringe conspiracists,

and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.

That's the real America.

We've got three more
stops this afternoon.

Look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.

The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.

Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's the tenth time today.

Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?

SIRI: I don't know how
to respond to that.

Typical woman.

- I know.
- That's mine.

Clay, come on. Let's go.

All right. How ya doin', Harrisburg!

- (cheers, applause)
- JONAH: Yeah!

(over P.A.) Pennsylvania,

you have the second-lowest
vaccination rate in the nation,

and when I am elected president,

you will be number one!

- (cheers, applause)
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!

- (mic clatters)
- BETH: Oh!

Thank you! All right! Yeah!

Oh! Oh, look at this baby.

- (crying)
- Mwah!

GARY: The menu has been an atrocity.

The guests are vegan,

and the president won't eat
anything without a face.

Selina.

I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.

No. I can see the concern in your eyes,

even through all the procedures.

What is it? Is it about the wedding?

He told you?

He would not stop talking about it.

He used the phrase "complete atrocity."

Complete atrocity?

Minna, listen.

(scoffs) So I droned a
couple wedding civilians

on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.

I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding

to your homosexual doppelganger.

Yes. I was.

Um, "dr-droned a wedding"

is, uh, American slang for, uh...

- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think...

No, no, no. Really. Like, "I
droned that wedding, man!"

I do not think that it
is slang of any kind.

Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone... here...

MAN: Mike, we have made...

a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.

(laughs) I know, right?

But I think you could be a big
part of turning that around.

- Mm-hmm.
- As a special correspondent,

you will be everywhere
that there's news.

And I don't think it hurts

that you will be our youngest
correspondent, by a lot.

- Aww. Thank you, sir.
- So we bought the "McLintalk" name,

but we did not get all the intellectual
property from the old show. So...

- I have intellectual property?
- Oh... Yeah!

The classic McLintalk bits.

I mean, when your phone rings in
the middle of an interview...

- Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?

- (laughing) She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff

I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.

- See? Keep that sense of humor.
- OK!

Because pretty much everything
else is gonna change.

MINNA: Selina, you have put
me in a terrible situation.

You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.

Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?

All the time. Aung San Suu
Kyi, Henry Kissinger,

and also, the prize that you're
getting, it is not the Peace Prize.

- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.

- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.

You have left me with no
choice. I must report you.

Well, then you've left
me with no choice.

- Ha!
- That was your phone.

I called Interpol before
we got in the car.

SELINA: Come on, wait up. Minna.

Just a second! Sweet
Viking Christ! Come on!

Just call Interpol back, tell
'em that you made a mistake.

I am sorry, Selina.

I have a commitment to the
principles of truth and justice.

As the former president
of the United States,

truth and justice can gargle my balls.

- BEN: Move the fuck out of my way.
- KENT: Ma'am, the ICC

has issued a warrant for
your arrest for war crimes.

That's because Autistic Barbie here

tattled on me over the
wedding drone strike.

- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.

- Which was the only one.
- Correct!

Secret Service says the Norwegian police

are all over the airport and the hotel.

- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague

and imprisoned under Article
VIII of the Rome Statute.

Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.

You can stay here at the embassy!

I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.

- Ahh!
- Ma'am... it's your only shot.

- Yeah.
- Really?

Fine.

I'll stay here.

Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go.

They can shoot me as
I make a run for it.

Fine. On behalf of the Finnish
Ambassador to Norway...

I grant you asylum.

- Uh...
- She prefers the word "spa."

DAN: Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.

Here we go.

Wait. What? No.

This is where you stick
an unfuckable intern.

Oh, no, no, no.

When I was a summer intern for
Lieutenant Governor Plasko

back in seventh grade, I was
in a much bigger office.

We gotta get the morbidly
obese fuck out of Iowa.

Last night I tried to find one
non-chain restaurant to eat at,

and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.

Sounds like a settings issue.

Listen, we gotta get
you national, Richard,

so that's why I've already
booked you on "McLintalk."

And I canceled it.

RICHARD: Governor Ballentine!

You think you're hot shit, Splett?

First human mayor of Lurlene,

straight to lieutenant
governor in just a few months.

- Thank you.
- Well, now you're an ice cold dog turd,

because you're not gettin' my job.

Governor, we have the utmost respect...

Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.

Splett, I'm gonna bury you so
deep in bullshit make-work

people are gonna forget Iowa
even has a lieutenant governor.

That shouldn't be too hard.

("McLintalk" theme music plays)

This is Michael McLintock...

and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael Mclintock

on CBS International...

Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.

- Mike looks good.
- Mm. So much better.

What's he doing? How long does it
take to change an adult diaper?

MIKE: The Norwegian National
Police have surrounded

the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...

Oh, my God in heaven.

Selina, do you hate me?

Minna, I'm on the phone.

Ma'am, the White House refuses

to get involved in your situation.

- What?!
- Although publically,

Montez claims to be
considering all options.

Privately, I heard she's been doing

impressions of you getting
broom-sticked in prison.

Are people actually laughing
at that impression?

- No.
- Yes.

Is this really just about

me reporting you to the ICC?

Yeah. How long am I supposed to be here?

I could be dead before
you ever get outta here.

Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly,
that could be, like, tonight.

- God willing.
- I forgave you

for not voting for me to
be the head of the IMF.

Minna, you don't go to prison

when you're not the head of the IMF.

- Just the prison of unmet potential.
- Ooh!

Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go!

GARY: Here comes the shoes!

Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?

You need to get in touch with the
American Ambassador to Norway.

Norway. Ambassador Costas was
Montez's husband's chiropractor.

BEN: Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.

OK, that's everything. Ohh.

I have no space in this room!

- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!

It's easy. We'll get it out. Ow!

Selina, can I ask just one teeny, tiny,

very small question?

Uh... yeah.

- Minna.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

From the bottom of my heart,

I truly and completely

forgive you.

Now shut the living fuck up.

I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you

for killing all those innocent people.

Get out.

- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.

Yeah.

AMY: Streptococksucker.

Do you have the chicken pox?

Clay gave 'em to me, yell at him.

- CLAY: No, I didn't.
- Clay!

Oh, sweet pustulent Christ.
You need to see this.

Disease Control is reporting

a large chicken pox outbreak

in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Oh, wow. We got out of
there just in time.

That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak

in the last week,

all in communities with
low vaccination rates

but no other apparent connection.

Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!

You infected all those nutballs who
don't believe in vaccinations!

Well, serves 'em right.

Didn't you have chicken pox as a child?!

Were you too busy bed-wetting and
cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?

(knocking on door)

Jonah: Amy, that only
works with fleshy melons.

- BETH: Duh.
- And sometimes pumpkins.

Daddy!

Hi, Bethy, I'm really
sorry I just showed up.

Oh, no. No! No, no, no!

I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.

Can't you see I feel
yucky enough already?!

Jonah, I know that you're angry with me.

I hate you so much

I could walk into a supermarket
and shoot everybody.

It's all right to feel that way.

I just want you to know that I love you.

And I hope someday you'll
give me another chance.

OK.

I b-b-beg your pardon?

OK, you can be my dad.

I can be what?

You can be my dad if you want.

Aw, come here!

Aw, I love you, Jonah.

I love you too, Daddy. No homo.

Sure. No homo.

MINNA: As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.

Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?

- OK. Get off.
- No? I see that we are still choosing

not to make the best of the situation.

I can't. I can't.

Who ate my yogurt?

Amerikkalainen war criminal syo kaikki.

Alleged war criminal.

Selina, I think it would be best
for everyone if you can learn

to follow just a few simple
embassy staff rules.

- What?
- Number one,

you write your name

on your food in the refrigerator.

- Oh, my God.
- You see here, I've written "Minna,"

and I have written it
with a permanent marker.

Number two, if you use a bowl or a spoon

or a plate or a cup or a jug,

afterwards, you would wash in the sink.

Yeah?

Selina, if you go to prison,

you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.

- OK, look...
- No, I'll be there.

You gotta see what's on TV. Come on.

Maybe it's time for me to
just turn myself in, Ben.

What is it? What's going on?

...Americans have come out in
force to show their support

for the former, and
possibly future, president,

- Selina Meyer.
- SELINA: Oh.

Footage rolls.

Free Selina now!

- SELINA: What?!
- It turns out

Americans don't give a flying fatwa

if you drone a bunch of Muslims!

Your favorables have never
been higher, ma'am.

For polling purposes, you're
practically a generic white male.

- (Gary laughing)
- This is incredible!

I feel like the Grim Reaper

just dropped his scythe and
started eating me out!

CATHERINE: Mom.

Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.

- Oh, good.
- Getting married here in Europe.

What?

Oh, Catherine!

What a wonderful idea.

Thank you, Mother.

Gary, can you put something
together here, at the embassy?

I found the perfect dress at
the Oslo Medieval Festival.

- Ohh, I doubt it.
- SELINA: Oh, good. OK.

Ma'am, we got bigger
reindeer to fuck here.

Guys, listen to me.

A wedding got me into this hot mess...

a wedding's gonna get me out of it.

A Potemkin wedding, if
I may coin a phrase.

Please don't.

Look, we need a plane to
get us home, correct?

MIKE: ...Selina Meyer live via phone.

- Hello, President Meyer.
- Hi, Mike.

You know, I just want to
thank the American people.

I mean, obviously, while
it is regrettable,

the loss of... of innocent lives,

I will never, ever apologize

for keeping Americans safe.

Uh, ma'am, we have the
drone footage here.

Would you take our viewers through it?

Guest speaks as footage two rolls.

Yes. Well, this is the compound

belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.

Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?

Is that an elephant or something?

Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.

Apparently, Al Bashir had
some sort of a private zoo,

and that's actually how we
were able to locate him.

MIKE: And boom!

Wow! There goes the elephant.

- BEN: Ma'am?
- Yeah.

I think I may have found us a plane.

Governor, it's so nice of you to
come with us to comfort Jonah.

Jonah Ryan has as much
chance of becoming president

as a stack of retarded
raccoons in a trench coat,

but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state

to become his Ag Sec, it's
gonna be this pigfucker.

I didn't realize there
was a job requirement.

(crowd chattering)

Oh, my God.

What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?

Tough call.

They are... the same.

And how is the blushing bride?

Mother, come on. Really?

- This is the best I could do.
- Gorgeous.

- You always do this.
- I do what?

- Do you remember my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.

Do you remember my 16th birthday,
then? Do you remember that?

No, darling. I don't
remember any of them.

Do you remember my high school
graduation, or my college graduation?

I didn't know the theme of the
wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.

- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.

Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.

- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not

want to fight with you, my darling.

- I... I...
- No, honey, listen to me.

I am so very proud of you

and your decision to
get married... here.

- Thank you, Mom.
- Mm-hmm.

And you... You look amazing.

And I'm amazed by your look.

Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.

- OK.
- OK.

- (door closes)
- OK, we're all good.

- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.

- That's not the bathroom.
- Wh...

BALLENTINE: If I could just have a
moment of your time, Congressman.

JONAH: Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.

Sorry. Yeah. I think in
a Ryan administration

I could really make a
difference at Agriculture.

Whatever. There isn't gonna be a Dep
of Agriculture. I'm gettin' rid of it.

- What?!
- Richard, who is this guy?

I'm the fucking governor
of Iowa, you nitwit!

And you just cost yourself a
spot in my administration!

- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- NANCY: Jonah, your dad's here!

- JONAH: Oh, hey, Dad!
- Look who's ready

for a chicken pox party!

- Oh, what, I gave my dad chicken pox?
- Second time!

RICHARD: Now I can really
see the family resemblance.

JONAH: Two generations of scabs, yo!

Fuck me with a side of ranch.

See ya back at the office, Governor.

(crowd chattering)

(Catherine moaning)

What has your mother done now?

She used our wedding as a diversion

to escape from the
Norwegian National Police!

Smart. Kitty Cat. It's all right.

We'll just get married
back in the States.

No. We are gonna get married right now,

in Europe, because it's romantic.

Do you wanna maybe...

clean up first?

No. I feel fucking pretty.

- (sobbing)
- GARY: Uh...

I'm sorry. Who taught
you to do a smoky eye?

Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC.

Aha. It's not bad.

These tunnels date back to World War II.

Really?

Local citizens banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.

I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.

- How can you tell?
- MURMAN: Ben. Over here.

- BEN: What's that?
- MURMAN: Ben.

- BEN: Oh!
- SELINA: Murman!

- MURMAN: Selina.
- I am so happy to see you!

You have no idea!

- I have helped many tunnel escapes.
- SELINA: Oh...

- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.

Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,

but in fact, I just buried him alive.

- Murman.
- (laughs)

Actually, it was her,

but story is funnier with a man, huh?

In these #MeToo days, you know?

Actually, I think it
could work with a woman.

Either way, it's a very good story.

Beginning, middle and
end. Plus a lesson.

But I would never, ever buried
alive my dear old friend Selina.

Chivalry is not dead, Murman.

No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana,

and she's definitely dead.

Yeah, I think the story does
work better with a man.

That was my first instinct.

Well, there you go.

Now, my car will take
you to the airport...

- OK.
- And the airplane is waiting

to run out of gas and drop
you into the North Sea.

What?

Just kidding.

(laughing)

- You are bad.
- You believed me!

BEN: Ha! You got us.

SELINA: I want to make one quick stop

on the way to the airport.

- BEN: What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in

and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.

Ma'am, that's the Nobel
Prize of bad ideas!

- No, that's economics, OK?
- KENT: We need to be out

of this jurisdiction immediately!

Oh, please, I've got America on my side,

and America doesn't give
a shit about anything!

KENT: The Hague gives a shit.

BEN: We are not in America. We
just crawled out of a drain!

- SELINA: Wait, what?
- BEN: We're not in America right now.

BEN: For cryin' out loud.

OK, look, call Leon right now.

Tell him to get his dick out
of whatever homeless woman

froze to death in front of the hotel,

meet us over there with
the speech. Let's go!

Call him, call him, call him!

(typing on laptop)

Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to
work at the White House.

You barely worked at the White House.

(gasps) Ho ho ho ho!

Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,

then bang you and tell
everybody in the office

you're an unstable slut.

It's a new dress.

BETH: Come on, come on.

Dumb child locks.

- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.

How long have you been taking these?

Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,

but the pain went away in two days.

They gave me 97 pills, though,

so now I've just been taking 'em

for the going-away of my feelings.

So you're not pregnant.

Oh, no. Jonah and I don't
want any more kids

until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.

And we can do genetic testing

to make sure they're not born dead.

- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?

Right now you have a
historic opportunity

to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.

But to do that, I think
you have to tone down

the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.

I have kinda pushed it, haven't I?

A little bit, Jonie.

OK, Dad. Yeah, I will.

Yeah. OK.

Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?

- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.

I don't think I have any eggs.

- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!

Go to the store to make pancakes!

BOTH: Pancakes! Pancakes!

Jonah, I think that...

Oh, my God! Lloyd!

- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 9-1-1!

- Dad!
- RICHARD: Make sure his nose is wet!

- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.

SELINA: Let's go. We gotta move.

We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.

- SELINA: President Lu!
- Oh.

You're a hard man to get ahold of.

- (speaking Mandarin)
- (repeats same in Mandarin)

Are we really doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.

- (speaks Mandarin)
- I like your hair like that.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Selina Meyer. Why am I not
surprised to see you? Sit, please.

Lookit, Lu, we have always been
able to do business together.

If I'm elected, the U.S. is gonna import

a shit-ton more of your
tainted baby formula

and defective drywall.

- A little secret.
- What?

Different label, same product.

Islands.

Islands.

Any islands you want, Lu.

Diaoyu, Spratly... Florida
Keys, even. (laughs)

President Montez has been
a great friend to China.

Our loyalty to her is
unshakeable. I'm sorry.

You can have Tibet.

What?

Yeah.

You can have Tibet back.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.

I mean, I'll have to condemn your
actions publically, of course.

Of course.

But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,

- you'll veto it...
- I will.

Then, ya know, have at it.

Is being president in a
democracy even that great?

- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.

I got a thing to get. Do
we have a deal, or...?

- Sure.
- I knew it.

- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.

I like it. You look good in a bowtie.

Everything OK in here?

SELINA: Oh, you bet.

'Cause you're my lapdog now.

- OK.
- Yeah.

I thought I would take just
a few moments of your time

to remind you of the plight of the
Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...

SELINA: I'm here!

- (applause)
- Thank you!

I'm here! Thank you!

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!

It's very perilous for you to be here.

Thank you so much! Thank you!

- I don't think you should...
- Give it.

Thank you so much for that
wonderful introduction.

- (applause dies down)
- Thank you.

When the committee called

to tell me I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize...

(low) Summit award...

I considered telling
them I didn't want it.

You see, it's never been important to me

to be honored publically.

But I decided to come tonight.

Not for myself,

but for the country of...

Tibet.

Imagine a world

where Tibet were not free.

Imagine that.

And one of the world's
great human treasures,

Tibet's lamas,

like these right here
sitting in the front row,

looking at me...

would certainly be
imprisoned and tortured

in the most vicious ways imaginable...

possibly even k-illed.

Oh, God Almighty. I...

So maybe I should just wrap this up.

Shall we scroll, um, ahead, please?

Could you just... Yes.

Wait... Yes.

Tibet must always be free.

Free today, free tomorrow,

free forever. Oh, God.

- (applause)
- Thank you.

MAN: Wonderful!

- Photos, please.
- Oh.

OK.

No one's ever gonna forget that speech.

You're fired.

All right, let's get out of here.

Take this piece of shit.

Stop. Selina, stop. You
give me no choice...

Goodbye, Minna.

Wow, talk about inhumane droning.

I guess I've got a type.

AMY: Dan?

- Hi.
- So nice to see you...

- (kissing)
- on this sad occasion.

So I thought maybe we
could get a drink and...

Oh, sorry. Ames, this is
Layla, my girlfriend.

It just feels so weird saying
that out loud. I can't help it.

- LAYLA: Hello.
- Hi.

Layla's an OB-GYN.

I know what she does.

Oh, God, of course.

You guys have... Have already met.

Classic Egan.

(awkward chuckles)

Are you OK here?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.

DAN: What's up, man?

So, how was your follow-up appointment?

Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.

WOMAN: I'm so sorry, Nancy.

Adult chicken pox can be very serious.

(crying) Thank you for coming.

Don't blame yourself, Jonah.

- It's not your fault.
- Uh...

(sobbing)

Can you get her a pill or
something and calm her down?

I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.

- OK.
- Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.

- OK. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.

I'm just so sorry.

Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.

Sorry you killed your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!

(laughing)

- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.

Could you please stop laughing?

I can't!

I can't believe you
gave him chicken pox.

I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.

(laughing)

(Richard chuckling)

It's not funny, but his
laughter is infectious.

I can't breathe!

(cackling)

- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,

you're gonna come with me.

Here's my hotel key. If you
got a dick, I'll pay double.

JONAH: OK, everybody can
come in and take a seat.

- Hey, babe.
- I love you.

Love you too.

So first off, I guess, thanks,
everybody, for coming.

And, um, as most of you know,

I didn't get a lot of time with my dad,

but I think in the time
that I did have with him

I realized what a stupid loser he was.

He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom.

All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.

First, all those years
ago, and now by dying.

BETH: Whoa...

And I guess I don't even know
if I liked him that much,

because he probably woulda sucked
like all of my other step-dads.

And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.

BETH: You're so beautiful.

We're having cake pops
at the house later.

- BETH: Who wants to go dancing?
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.

My husband's right there.

Richard, that bastard Ballentine,

he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.

He went blind with partial
paralysis and has to step down.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

No! That makes me... I mean, you,

the governor of Iowa!

- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.

SELINA: So listen, you guys,

we have to start thinking
about the convention.

- Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.

There are a lot of
people I want to snub.

- Ma'am.
- Yeah?

Check this out.

SELINA: Oh, my God! Is that Richard?

Governor Splett.

- SELINA: No!
- KENT: Yeah.

- (protestors shouting)
- SELINA: What the hell?

What's going on here?

I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits

about the drone strike.

This is about killing elephants.

There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt:

animals, and white
girls on spring break.

KENT: The story is everywhere.

Peggy Noonan has a column

about Babar and American exceptionalism.

She's a dumb cunt.

Is this gonna affect
my numbers, ya think?

Yes.

(protesters shouting)

Oh, my God!

He's giving me the finger.

Look. See?

(protesters shouting)

As many of you know,

it has been a difficult week for me

with the death of my dumb father

and my hot wife going into rehab.

Which, when you think about it,

kinda makes her hotter, ya know?

But with the Lord's
help, I got through it.

(applause)

And when I say Lord,

I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.

(cheers, applause)

Now, there has been a lot of debate

about whether vaccines do
or do not kill people.

And they do... That's just science.

But the other real
killer... is diseases.

And how do these diseases
get into America?

- ALL: How?
- Immigrants.

- MAN: Kill 'em!
- Yeah... Well, I mean,

we don't have to kill all of 'em.

There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé?

Ms. Brookheimer, do you
have anything to eat?

- Um, I've got gum and Advil.
- Ugh.

He had this carne asada that
I think was a family recipe.

That guy stays.

But we are not going to stop diseases

unless we close our borders!

- ALL: Yeah!
- From now on,

no one in, no one out!

Thank you. No one in, no one out!

(knock on door)

- What? Wh-Who's there?
- It's Richard.

- Who? Ohh.
- Governor Richard Splett?

- Ohh.
- We brought you some flowers.

Word is out on you, Splett.

You're living proof

that the worst people in
politics always succeed.

I'll tell ya something else,
Splett. Listen carefully.

Someday you'll be an
old man, and you'll...

Governor, now that
you're a super-delegate,

have you given any thought as

to who you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?

Isn't there any way I can
endorse all of them?

- (laughter)
- All right, thank you guys so much.

Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com

Pull up a chair, Splett.

I've never told anyone this before.

I have a daughter in California.

She doesn't know anything about me.

I've seen photographs...
on the internet.

Did President Meyer find a way

to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?

If you can't figure out how
to steal South Carolina,

you have no business being president.

I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.

I was right! I should be president!

That's not funny, Kent.

I haven't been funny since 1987.

I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.

I don't even like to change planes here.

♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪

I just wanna be president.

Do you want six almonds?

(screaming) No!

♪ (music concludes) ♪