All language subtitles for The.Fix.S01E08.720p.WEB.x264-CRiMSON[eztv]

[cheering and applause]

Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix,

a show where we try to solve
the world's biggest problems

whilst having a laugh, and good luck us,

because this time we're tackling
the thorny issue of guns.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

[laughter]

Now, gun control
is an incredibly emotive debate

and we don't want those emotions
to get out of hand,

because let's not forget,
one side has guns.

[laughter]

At this point, in America,

there are almost as many guns
as there are people,

although guns are doing their very best
to reverse that statistic.

[laughter]

1.4 million Americans
have been shot since 1970.

To be fair,
because of a massive increase in obesity,

Americans are easy targets.

[laughter]

There are, of course,
legitimate reasons for owning a gun.

Americans have a constitutional right
to bear arms,

because remember, guns don't kill people.

Laws from the late 1700s kill people.

[laughter]

It's a huge, complex issue.

So who better to come up with a solution
than a bunch of unarmed comedians?

Welcome to The Fix.

[applause, theme song plays]

Here's how the show works.

I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for guns.

At the end of the show,

our studio audience will be voting
on what they think is the best idea

and then we'll be done.

Nobel Peace Prizes all round,
ice cream for everyone.

[laughter]

Joining me to figure out guns
are Katherine Ryan and Clayton English.

[cheering and applause]

And DL Hughley and Sarah Tiana!

[cheering and applause]

Okay, before we get to our fixes,
let's take a closer look at the problem.

So, Sarah, are you a gun person?

You'd think so,
because I grew up in the South.

And most of my family are gun people.

My dad took me hunting when I was little,

but I asked too many questions,
so I didn't get to go no more.

-You know.
-[laughter]

And I asked my brother-in-law,
"Why do you have so many guns?"

He's like, "Because I've got to protect
this house," and I was like...

"But nobody wants your DVD player."
Like, I don't understand...

-I don't really understand him.
-[Carr] Katherine, what do you think?

[Katherine] I have zero experience
with guns,

apart from the tickets to the gun show
that you keep selling me.

[laughter]

I'm starting to believe
there's no gun show at all.

[laughter]

I know that the ones in your house
pose the greatest threat to your safety.

You could die getting away from them.

But apparently getting rid of them
is unconstitutional.

I'm, of course, talking about men--
nature's gun.

[laughter]

Clayton, why do you think
Americans love guns so much?

We're too fat to fight.

[laughter]

-[applause]
-[Clayton] We need shortcuts, man.

[laughter]

We glorify it too. It's in everything.

When did the hero ever talk it out?

Cowboys, gangster movies.

The people they glorify
are all the people with guns

and they make it seem like you've got
to have a gun to feel protected.

-And I do, but...
-You...

[laughter]

-You're a gun owner?
-Yes.

Okay. So why did you buy a gun?

Because everybody else had them.

-[laughter]
-[Clayton] Everybody else.

I felt that way about Pokémon,
but I resisted.

[laughter]

I got it out of fear.
Everybody's scared now.

You should watch the news.
You're going to be scared.

-It is terrifying.
-Yeah.

The police pulled me over two weeks ago.

We were both scared.

[laughter]

Like, I knew he was scared

because I was trying
not to make eye contact

and I looked in the rear-view mirror
and we locked eyes

and we both looked away,
so I was like, "Oh."

"Either he's scared or we're flirting.
I don't know," so...

[laughter]

-DL, you're a gun owner, right?
-Yeah.

I own eight guns.

-Eight guns?
-Oh, my goodness.

Well, at first I owned guns
because I lived around black people.

-But now I live around white people, so...
-Same!

[laughter]

So where are your guns currently, DL?

I have three in Calabasas,
three in Santa Barbara and two in NY.

So you've got the guns
in different houses that you've got?

I've heard of hoes
in different area codes,

but never Glocks on different blocks.

[laughter]

[applause]

You know, I understand DL's point of view,

because if I lived in a rough area
like Calabasas--

-Yeah.
-I would want a gun.

If I lived in... Because Calabasas
is very much the hood, right?

I'll tell you something. Justin Bieber
just moved out, so it was rough.

[laughter]

Have you seen...

Have you seen what the Kardashians
have done to black men in Calabasas?

[laughter]

Travesty.

[applause]

-Clayton, whereabouts are you from?
-I'm from Georgia.

From Georgia.
And what are the gun laws in Georgia?

We've got open carry.
As long as you have a permit,

you can carry it in the car
or in the glove box.

The South has a lot
of open carry laws, where you...

You know, you see the Walmart videos
with people shopping

with the ARs on their back?

It's cool as long as they're white.

[laughter]

As long as they're white.

[applause]

[Sarah laughs]

Now, people have preconceptions
about gun owners,

but not all gun owners look or sound
as you might expect.

Take a look at this political campaign ad.

[man] Ready?

Aim.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Gently squeeze trigger...

-and fire.
-[gunfire]

It's how Kathleen Wall's daddy taught her
to shoot growing up on her Texas farm.

It's a part of Kathleen's life.

If anyone thinks a nice lady
with a soft voice

might naturally be soft
on the Second Amendment

then they are making a big mistake.

[woman] I'm Kathleen Wall
and I approve this message.

[laughter]

So she's got the voice of a toddler
and she loves guns.

Two words. Daddy issues.

[laughter]

She's practicing shooting just in case
one of her sons tells her he's gay.

[laughter]

[applause]

Why does she have the rifle from Bonanza?
That's scary.

That's the slave-catcher 5,000. Nobody...

[laughter]

[Clayton] That's no...

It reminds me of the white people that...

don't show their teeth
when they smile at black people, like...

[laughter]

They'll call the police on you real quick.

[laughter]

Yeah, I don't know. She seemed
just like a really cool aunt to me.

I'm really...

I really don't think she seems that bad.

I mean, she's probably only shot,
like, four black people, you know.

[laughter]

Which is really low for Texas.

I'm just saying it's low for Texas.

That's what they call, in Texas,
a moderate.

[laughter]

People in Texas
are going to vote for her no matter what,

because her last name is Wall

and they love walls there.

[laughter]

-She should have played that angle.
-Yeah, I know.

Her last name is Wall,

but her husband's name is Holly Frost,

which is the most snowflakiest name
I've ever heard in my life.

His genuine name is Holly Frost.

Yes, I do research
before I come on this show.

[laughter]

I loved it, because I was like,
"Same-sex partnership.

I'm on board with the haircut.
I get it now. But..."

[laughter]

Holly Frost. That sounds
like Santa Claus's side chick.

Right.

[laughter, applause]

[Carr] Here's an amazing fact for you.

In the past 50 years,
more Americans have died from gun violence

than in all the wars in American history.

And they want us to be worried about ISIS.

I'm more scared of "us-is".

[laughter]

Sarah, does that fact surprise you?

That there's been more than one war?

-[laughter]
-Yes.

Just... I only learned about the Civil War
growing up, but...

[laughter]

[Sarah] But, yeah, that is shocking.

I feel like a lot of it has...

Obviously we have a mass shooting problem

and they use the same adjectives
to describe the shooter

that they use to describe women
on a regular basis.

-That really bothers me.
-[Carr] What do they say?

Those are my adjectives. I've earned them.

It's like, "Over-emotional,
over-reactive, keeps a diary."

Like, those are mine.

[laughter]

Just saying, like...

I don't want to share them with no killer,
because I don't know if you've noticed,

ain't a lot of mass murder
happening by women these days.

Right.

[laughter]

[Carr] Very good point.

I'm with Sarah. I feel that all women
should be armed to the fullest.

Yeah, because we're never going to use it.

We can be trusted.

Have you seen the show Snapped?

-No.
-[laughter]

That's all it is about.
No, women don't do mass murder.

They just kill one dude slowly...

over time.

[laughter]

[Katherine] When women kill,

it's so rare
that they do a whole show about it

and they send Piers Morgan into a room
to interview them

and I keep watching,
siding with the ladies.

I'm like, "Come on, girls, one more time."

[laughter]

Okay, well, lots of people
enjoy shooting ranges

and no-one's got a problem with that.

Take a look at this ad,
and listen out for the incredible laugh.

Hi, folks. This is Don from Don's Guns.

Have I got a deal for you?

Normally a membership here at Don's Guns
is $100 unlimited shooting for one year,

but if you'll come in now
and join my range,

either North or South,

I'll give you an American-made gun
worth $80 as part of the membership.

Why? You know why.

Because I don't want
to make any money, folks.

I just love to sell guns. [laughs]

[scattered laughter]

Now Don's Guns is still one of the biggest
gun retailers in the country.

Would you shop there, Katherine?

I like Don.

I enjoy a man who anticipates a crime
by showing up dressed for the trial.

You know?

-[laughter]
-I like that.

[applause]

He doesn't care about the money.
He's just interested in selling guns.

It's his vocation. What do you think?
Would you buy a gun from Don?

No. I know the devil
when he takes human form.

[laughter]

I've seen him before.
You're not fooling me.

Did you see that guy?

And what kind of gun was that?
Does that gun shoot skittles?

That's a little gun, man.

It's a little gun.

I just thought he was a giant man.

Sorry, you thought he was enormous
and the gun was regular sized?

I only... Yeah. I just...

[laughter]

[Carr] Right.

I don't have guns.
I didn't know they could be so small

Oh, you didn't... Yeah, they...

[Carr] Sometimes, Katherine...

Sometimes, when it's been really cold...

[laughter]

[Carr] Okay.

Here on The Fix,
we have our very own data expert.

Please welcome Mona Chalabi.

[cheering and applause]

So, Mona, I want data. I love data.
Tell us what you've got for us.

Well, Jimmy, the debate about guns
generally focuses on the US,

but I wanted to take a look
at other countries

where gun laws are different.

In the US, the chances of being killed
by a gun are about one in 32,000.

Those are roughly the same odds
as being killed in a car accident.

Let's see how that equation looks

in other countries
where they different controls in place.

First off, Japan,

where the odds of being killed by a gun
are so low

that you're just as likely to die
from being struck by lightning.

[thunder rumbles]

Next, Australia.

Here, the odds are the same
as dying from falling out of bed.

-[laughter]
-And, in Germany,

the odds of being killed by a gun

are the same as something
pretty surprising.

What do you think it is?
It's a kind of treat.

Sorry, what?

[laughter]

It's auto-erotic asphyxiation.

-[man moans]
-[laughter]

Sorry, you're as likely to die
from auto-erotic asphyxiation in Germany

as gunshot wounds?

Exactly.

[laughter]

That's an... How did you find that out?

What website were you on?

[Mona] An academic--

Also... Hang on,
you just described it as a treat.

No, no...

[Clayton] You did.

You just said it was a treat.

-Not me!
-Mona!

I don't know!

[applause]

Okay, so how many people
do you think die each year in Germany

from auto-erotic asphyxiation?
It's just men.

I would go...

Five.

-It's one hundred.
-[Clayton] A hundred?

-One hundred?
-What?

-One hundred guys a year--
-Roughly one hundred.

-Are choking with--
-This is from an academic study.

-Academic study?
-[laughter]

Or maybe you were just treating yourself
on the internet and you...

You came across the raw data,
did you, Mona?

[laughter]

Auto-erotic asphyxiation
sounds like a good way to go,

because I wish to die as I lived,

and that is making it awkward
for my family to explain what I do.

[laughter]

[applause]

What else have you got for us?

So, with all of the debate
about gun control in the US,

I wanted to take a look at gun sales.

Now, the data shows
that they're on the rise.

They've gone up by 63%
since the year 2000.

What's interesting is that the percentage
of Americans who own guns is falling.

So this rise is all down
to existing owners buying more guns.

Gun sales often spike
after mass shootings,

when people get worried
that gun laws might get tougher.

But actually the reality
is even more complicated

than this chart suggests.

This line has been smoothed out
to ignore seasonal patterns

so that it just shows us

the long-term trend.

So let's un-adjust it to see the detail.

Well, there are two spikes
each and every year.

One around February and one in December.

I wanted to find out
why the numbers spike then.

It turns out
that there is a very simple explanation.

The first annual spike
comes at the start of hunting season

and, interestingly,
the second is around Christmas

when guns are bought as gifts.

So the data shows

that guns really are ingrained
in American culture.

So in Christmas
people are buying guns as gifts?

Yeah.

Are you sure? Because it could just be
you've spent Thanksgiving with them...

[laughter]

You have to spend another four days
until New Year's with these people.

You go, "You know what?
Someone's got to die."

[laughter]

It's just weird to give somebody a gun
on Christmas.

Nothing celebrates the birth of Christ
like popping a cap in somebody.

[laughter]

If Jesus had a gun, he wouldn't
have gone on that cross. I know that.

[laughter]

"Oh, you're the Romans, are you?

-Have a look at this."
-[laughter]

So there's a spike at Christmas.
There's also a spike in February.

-That's the start of hunting season.
-Yeah.

Depending on what it is
that you're hunting.

I thought that February
was for Valentine's Day.

Honestly, that's what I thought.

"I guess flowers and chocolates?"
"No, this year, I got you an elk."

[Sarah] Yes.

"I'll buy you a bullet vibrator.
You buy me a bullet gun."

It's all a happy relationship.

[laughter]

I can't understand...

If you need a gun
that shoots 1,000 rounds,

you are shitty hunter.

If you shoot that bad,
you shouldn't be a hunter.

You should be a Laker
if you shoot that bad.

[laughter]

[applause]

I feel like the same person
that would buy a fully automatic weapon

is the same person that would bet
on every number on roulette.

They're like, "I don't want to win.
I just want to hit something."

Yeah.

-[laughter]
-It's probably going to happen.

Fascinating stuff. Thank you, Mona.

Thank you.

-[cheering and applause]
-Brilliant.

Let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.

It's time to deal with the issue of guns.

Katherine's team
is ready to give it a shot.

Ladies and gentlemen, Katherine Ryan!

Thank you. Hello.

[cheering and applause]

The issue of gun control
is a very complicated fix, Jimmy,

which is why it took me
nearly an hour to solve,

but in the end, I got there with this.

Arms & Noble. It's a gun library.

See, American gun people
have made it pretty clear

that they don't want anyone
taking their guns.

And who's going to try,

since the risk of homicide is three times
higher in homes with firearms?

I'm surely not going to stand in the way
of an American's constitutional right

to be accidentally shot by his Labrador.

But how about if we just move the guns?

Just move them to nearby libraries.

It's still your gun.

You can go visit it any time you want to.

Just like your nana, who, like your gun,
was placed in care for everyone's safety.

[laughter]

A recent study showed
that only 44% of Americans

had visited a library
within the last 12 months.

It is mostly just a place
for the homeless to masturbate now.

And that makes me very sad and turned on.

-So...
-[laughter]

...let's spice it up with guns.

At Arms & Noble,
you can check out your gun,

check out a book and, importantly,
consider the consequences of murder

during the cool down period
that it takes to drive there.

Look how happy your visit to Arms & Noble
has made Edna,

our reinvigorated librarian,

outfitted in the latest Kevlar body armor.

[laughter]

Hey, hit me with your worst stuff,
bitches!

[laughter]

[applause]

See? She lives for this shit.

Gun control and literacy solved.
Two for the price of one.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Edna.

[cheering and applause]

Right, for any kids watching,
a library is... How to explain?

It's sort of like Amazon,
but a physical, actual place...

where you can visit all the books.

Clayton, what do you like about this idea?

First of all, the cool-down period.

'Cause you've got to drive to the library,
then you get there,

then you've got to figure out
how to use the Dewey Decimal System

just to find your gun.

By the time you find your gun,
you're not even mad no more.

-You're just going to leave.
-[laughter]

Okay, so who are going to be
the librarians?

Anyone who is highly trained
in books and guns.

[laughter]

I mean, you see how they are
on being quiet.

[laughter]

Just imagine... Give them a pistol and...

"I said... [gun cocking noise] quiet."

It's a safe space.

[laughter]

DL, what do you think?
Would you visit the gun library?

I would. But if, you know...

Libraries in black neighborhoods
are really... The books are really old,

so it would probably be muskets and shit
in there, but...

I think the library thing can work
if you can check out a gun at a library,

but you can only get bullets
at the college that you graduated from.

[laughter, applause]

Well let's hear it for Arms & Noble.

[cheering]

[Carr] It's a great idea. Very well.

Okay, DL and Sarah,
it's time to hear your fix.

Give it up for DL Hughley!

[cheering and applause]

Thank you.

Of course,
one of the biggest problems with guns

is that 1.5% of Americans
have so much sway over our gun laws.

That 1.5% is the NRA.

You remember that old saying that goes,
"If you can't beat them, join them"?

What if we join them to beat them?

That is our fix.

Everyone joins the NRA.

When I say everyone, I mean everyone.

Democrats, teachers, nuns.
Even you, RuPaul.

[laughter]

Now you've got two bulges to hide
instead of just one.

[laughter]

How do we do this? It's simple.

Convince a liberal rich dude
to finance new NRA memberships

for people who would normally
not be interested in joining the NRA.

Oprah, make the NRA membership
one of your favorite things this year.

"You get a rifle, and you get a rifle,
and you get a rifle."

Then once we've effectively hit the NRA
with its worst nightmare, diversity...

[audience gasps, laughter, applause]

...these new members
will help elect NRA leaders

who will actually fight
for sensible gun control.

Problem solved. See for yourself.

I joined the NRA to exercise

my Second Amendment right
to protect my family,

protect my country, and protect my God.

Yeah, I said it. You go ahead and try
to shoot God. I'll shoot you first!

[man] Sorry, Dale,
but the NRA has a new face.

I joined the NRA because I have kids

and that first guy
scares the hell out of me.

I mean, does he think
someone's trying to shoot God?

How would that even work?

[man] We're taking in new members
from all walks of life

to unite for one purpose.

To bring it down from the inside.

Wait, what?

We won't stop signing up new members

until the NRA is full of mossy-toothed,
peace-loving, Obama-voting,

abortion-getting,
Black-Lives-Matter-supporting snowflakes.

I joined the NRA ironically.
It's so stupid.

What the fuck?

And then we'll elect an NRA president

that reflects our new values.

Lena Dunham.

This is unfair!

I'm being bullied!

I need a safe space!

The new NRA.

We're cool with black people now.

I joined the NRA, because...

Because have you seen people in the NRA?

[cheering and applause]

A genuinely brilliant idea.
Sarah, what do you like about that?

I love it. I think you have
to take it down from the inside.

It's how our aunts ruined Facebook,
you know?

[laughter]

Like, we were all on it,
everybody was all gung-ho,

and then everybody started doing it

and then you're like,
"Well, this is no fun anymore."

That's what I think will happen.

I love it. It'd change the NRA
fundamentally, right, so...

They got nervous
when black people had NWA, so...

[laughter]

The thought of a lot of black people
with a lot of guns might be a deterrent.

Katherine, what do you make of this?

I think it's an incredible idea.

I definitely want to join.

And if you have any trouble
getting people to join,

just explain to them
that there's a financial interest

by corporations who manufacture guns

and governments who sell weapons abroad
to keep the industry up

or trick them
by selling them the idea of liberty

and then they'll want a gun.
Isn't that what's happening now?

[applause]

Clayton, would you join the new NRA?

-No.
-[Katherine gasps]

-I wouldn't.
-Why not?

Because I know...
I know what they're going to do.

White people, when black people move in,
they move out.

So if they got the NRA,
they would turn into the RAN

and leave.

They'd have a whole other group
and then we'd have to deal with the RAN.

Racist Ass... Never mind.

[laughter and applause]

Well, let's hear it
for everyone joining the NRA!

[cheering and applause]

Okay, we've got Katherine and Clayton

proposing a library for guns,
Arms & Noble,

and Sarah and DL suggesting
we all join the NRA,

which is the first time a black man
has ever said that.

[laughter]

On The Fix, we're a democracy,

so our audience will be deciding
which one of these fixes

to put into practice.

Audience, please vote now
for your favorites.

[suspenseful synth music]

And remember, because this is Netflix,

whatever you decide becomes law.

[laughter]

Okay, I can tell you the votes are in

and I can reveal the winner is...

DL with 67% of the votes!

Congratulations, DL and Sarah.

So that's it. Guns, solved.

How to celebrate? Pra-pra.

[laughter]

Thanks to Katherine Ryan, Clayton English,
DL Hughley and Sarah Tiana,

our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,

everyone in the studio,
and all of you for watching.

We'll see you next time
to fix more of the world's problems.

-Goodbye!
-[audience cheering]

[theme song playing]