Original subtitles

[TV plays indistinctly in the background]

Whoa.

Another late night of man-on-man love?

Gay guys are lit.

Don't ever be straight.

I think I got that covered.

So, like, how many guys are you banging per night, huh?

Tens? Fifties?

[Peter] Mmm.

Thousands.

I've already looked that up on PornHub, but I type in

"gangbang" or "orgy."

I'm not banging any guys, Frank.

I haven't even called the guy who gave me his number.

I mean, what are you doing every night?

-Huh? Are you like a garbage man now? -No, I'm...

[laughs]

[coughs]

You're, like, the weirdest guy I know, right?

I hope so.

[clears throat]

You really want to know the truth?

[coughs]

God, this is crazy, okay?

I haven't told anyone, but...

If I'm gonna tell anyone, I might as well tell you.

I'm the assistant to a dominatrix.

Last night, I...

I peed on someone.

That's so cool.

Do you put stuff

in people's butts?

And that

has led me here...

to today.

To my journey

into the deep waters of other people's minds.

And... happy ending:

I got a new goldfish.

And ten more after, because I read online that they don't last very long.

So, remember...

we can always mentally get new goldfish,

and in that,

I can hook...

my psychological gold.

[applause]

Wow!

Okay!

-That was-- that was great. -[Kate] Thank you.

Okay, guys. That was great. That was, um...

All the feels. All right!

Who is our next victim?

Miss Chester.

Me?

Oh. [clears throat]

I'm actually not feeling very good today, Professor.

-Maybe I should just go next time when-- -I'll go.

[line trilling]

Okay, Motherfuck.

You know, she's not picking up, so...

maybe you'll have to meet her another time.

-What about you? -Me?

Oh, uh, no, I'm just the assistant. I...

I just watch, and clean up, and occasionally let people...

You just told me that you peed on a guy.

Plus, you're gay.

You've stuck your finger in all the butts.

Okay, not that many butts.

This month's rent...

free.

So, uh...

everyone has a story, right? Like, uh...

Like, "A bad thing happened to me and this is why I'm like this" story.

Uh, I certainly have that story.

A couple, in fact. Um...

When my fiancée, uh, ex fiancée, left me.

Uh, the time I was tripping balls

and fell off the roof of the library in college.

The day my dad died.

Uh, I used to not tell these stories, you know.

I used to keep 'em locked away,

'cause whatever, people die.

And my ex fiancée's boss had his own plane.

And I dropped a shit ton of acid.

Which-- which was, to be totally honest, super fun...

until I broke almost every bone in my body.

But I used to keep that pain

to myself,

'cause that's what I was taught to do.

Until, one day, my friend's dad died.

And he called me crying,

and we are dudes that never cry.

And he said, "How did you do it, man?

How did you...

deal with all the pain?"

And...

I sat for a long time...

and realized, uh...

I didn't.

Our stories are so similar.

Your dad... my goldfish.

We're so connected.

Yeah.

Yeah, kinda.

Miss Chester.

Get better.

Um, walk me to the subway.

Yeah, sure.

[Pete] What the fuck? You can't do that.

What are you, the booty hole police?

I mean, for free rent, I should have stuck my whole arm up there.

It's just not...

you. It's not who you are.

I just peed on a fully-clothed man.

[Tiff sighs]

God.

What's up your bum?

No pun intended.

-Everything okay with school? -Okay, Pete. I have a mother.

If I needed babying, I would go to her.

Mmm, you know,

it's not like you haven't talked to your mom in the past six years, so...

[woman] Tiffany Chester?

It's me, Chelsea.

-[whispers] Oh, my God, who is that? -Get up and squeeze me, girl!

-Oh my God. -Who is it?

It's Chelsea from fucking high school.

She's coming over. Okay, don't look. Maybe she'll go.

Okay, never mind, she's here.

Hey.

Hey, Chelsea.

You remember Pete, right?

Of course. We all did the same shitty plays in high school.

You used to be fat.

[chuckles]

Well...

not that fat.

Not that thin, though.

Not thin at all.

No.

Ugh, I can't believe I'm talking to underclassmen.

Doesn't matter anymore though, 'cause now we're in the "real world."

Life sucks.

Do you guys live in New York?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Don't you feel better than all those losers who went to school,

'cause you live here now?

Um...

I work in advertising.

-[thuds] -Oh, my God. Oh.

Shit! Chelsea, are you okay?

-Fuck. We have to get her out of here. -Okay, let's go.

-[Chelsea groans] -Okay.

-Okay. -Okay, easy.

-Do you have a purse? -I'm sorry.

A purse? I don't see a purse.

Where do you live?

Yes.

-Okay. -Yay! I'm gonna throw up.

[retching]

[coughing]

[toilet flushes]

[Chelsea sighs]

[groaning]

Can I tell you something?

I know where I live.

I was just...

drinking alone at the bar,

thinking about how everyday I go to work

to pay for these drinks all alone at a bar.

Hoping that somebody would talk to me,

even just for a second.

And then, boom.

I see these two losers...

that I did a pretty shit production of West Side Story with

where all the white kids playing Sharks had to get spray tans.

And I was like, "Holy shit.

Do they even remember me?"

That's so sad.

[shaky breath]

I was Anita in that production.

Anita.

And I was like...

"Are they even gonna remember who I am anymore?"

[Peter] Oh...

Of course we remember you, Casey.

[sniffles]

It's Chelsea.

[Chelsea sighs]

Didn't you guys have sex?

That was always a rumor.

Were we losers in high school?

You were.

I was in the gray zone because I fucked football players.

And me.

Pete, don't.

For someone who helps people express themselves...

you're pretty shitty at doing it yourself.

Do you know why it took me so long to come out?

I thought that my secret...

was keeping me alive.

It was the only version of myself I'd ever known.

And if I told everyone, who would I be?

Put that on.

Why?

No asking questions, Mistress May.

Okay.

Why are we doing this?

For protection.

After graduation...

we went to different colleges, we lived different lives.

You never called me.

I was doing my own thing.

It hurt my feelings.

I did what was best for both of us.

Why did you sleep with me?

You're wearing a mask.

It's like I don't know who you are.

[inhales deeply]

I don't know.

I guess...

You were the first man...

boy-man.

You just didn't want anything more from me.

You just liked me.

And you were really nice to me.

Sex was all anyone ever wanted from me.

So I guess it's...

It's just all I thought I had to give.

I just...

I felt really safe with you.

And...

really loved.

Then I ruined it...

with sex, like I always fucking do.

[sighs]

It takes two to tango genitals.

Sex ruins everything.

[Peter inhales]

-Bad sex ruins everything. -[laughs]

It was so bad.

[laughs] Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry I didn't know where the clitoris was.

I mean, I still don't.

I've got buttholes covered, though.

[laughs]

I still don't want you to do it.

Okay, so, I'm on all fours,

and, uh, you put your digits up there,

and then I jack off until I blast off.

-Sound dope? -Yeah.

Gotta take your pants off first, though.

[laughing]

-Yeah, you gotta get access to the club. -Yeah.

-[whooping] -[laughing]

Okay.

[grunts]

I'm gonna keep my shirt on so it's not full-blown gay.

Pause.

Uh...

I think it might actually be nicer if...

I were, like, looking at you.

Yeah.

Works for me... bro.

All right! Get between my legs.

[laughing]

Sorry, my, uh-- my feet are kind of stinky.

Uh, it's fine.

Aah! [laughs]

Ah... [sniffs]

-Just kidding. [laughs] -Wow.

You have really nice eyes.

Thanks.

Enter away, roomie.

Lift off.

Oh. Oh!

-Oh! Oh! -Are you okay?

All good in the hood.

Oh, whoa, this is so intense!

-Do you want another one? -Mm-hm.

Yeah? Do you?

Oh, fuck, roomie!

-Yeah? -Oh! Ohh. Oh.

Look-look-look-look-- look me in the eyes.

-It's so, so tight. -[laughing] More!

God! More, more!

Oh, my God! And go even--

Go even deeper. Do it!

Land my airplane, bitch.

-Fucking... -Okay, so what the fuck is going on?

Whoa, Portia!

-Uh, I was just about to come. -It's not what it looks like.

Your finger was up his bum.

Uh, it was practically medical.

-Yeah, and so is this. -Aah!