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1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,343
[breathing heavily]
2
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:13,096
Fuck. What the fuck is this?
3
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,849
[sighs] What the fuck is this?
4
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:29,904
[horn honks]
5
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:32,657
[panting heavily]
6
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:42,417
Password?
7
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:45,462
Um, right.
Um, before I guess the password--
8
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:46,379
Oh.
9
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:47,881
[knocks]
10
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:49,507
I know Tiff.
11
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:50,550
[door opens]
12
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,518
Is this your apartment, or...?
13
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,647
[woman screaming and moaning
in the background]
14
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:11,237
[screaming]
15
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,577
Never lay your hands on a mistress!
16
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,208
Wah! Wah!
17
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,085
[woman continues screaming]
18
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,301
Mistress May, your guest is here.
19
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,345
Wait.
20
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:37,806
What did you just call her?
21
00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,944
Welcome to my office.
22
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:57,283
You told me you were a 911 operator.
23
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:58,910
Yeah, I lied.
24
00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:01,663
[scoffs] I, like,
really don't know you anymore.
25
00:02:01,746 --> 00:02:05,917
All I need is someone to just
help me clean up and be my bodyguard.
26
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,294
You know, like the Kevin Costner
to my Whitney Houston.
27
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,380
Kevin Costner gets shot at the end.
28
00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,715
Look, we don't have much time,
29
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,176
so either you're in or you're out.
30
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,929
I don't know what you want me to do,
and I have so many questions.
31
00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:18,847
Okay.
32
00:02:19,347 --> 00:02:20,431
[softly] Do you trust me?
33
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:22,767
Mmm...
34
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:24,686
How much?
35
00:02:25,854 --> 00:02:27,772
Twenty percent of my nightly earnings.
36
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:28,982
Fifty percent.
37
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:30,150
Twenty.
38
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:32,485
Deal.
39
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,406
[whispers] Why am I such an idiot?
40
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:37,740
Okay, put this on.
41
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,535
Wait, do you, like, have sex
with these people?
42
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,871
No, I'm a dom. Not a prostitute.
43
00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:45,373
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
44
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,169
I feel like there's something
you're not telling me.
45
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:50,753
[exhales] All right.
46
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,422
Um, he's ginormous.
47
00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:53,715
[pounding]
48
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,675
So, if he tries to attack me,
49
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:58,803
just stab him in the leg
with one of those knives.
50
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:01,139
Wait... [gasps]
51
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:02,724
Are we about to be killed, Tiff?
52
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,851
It's Mistress May.
53
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,686
Mistress May, are we about to be killed?
54
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:07,937
[whispers] Fuck.
55
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,441
This what you get
for not trusting your goddamn instincts.
56
00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:12,817
Here we go.
57
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:13,776
[gasps]
58
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,904
[footsteps thudding]
59
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,615
[breathing heavily]
60
00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,119
[alarm sounds]
61
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,663
[cell phone vibrates]
62
00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,250
-[groans]
-[alarm continues]
63
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,087
[sighs]
64
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:36,299
[cell phone continues vibrating]
65
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,724
Guten Morgen, Mistress May.
66
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,523
Ass play.
67
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,651
Nice. Okay.
68
00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,487
[fapping]
69
00:03:58,196 --> 00:03:59,739
[humming]
70
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,658
-[snaps fingers]
-[man clears throat]
71
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,087
[exhales]
72
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:18,883
It's too hot.
73
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:20,885
[audience laughs]
74
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,263
Uh, you know, I have mom issues.
75
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,765
Which no one finds sexy, by the way.
76
00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:26,891
Very strange.
77
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,310
When a woman has daddy issues,
what do we do, what do we do?
78
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,188
We're like, "Oh... I'll bet
she's wild in the bedroom."
79
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,773
But, like, when a guy has mommy issues,
80
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:37,026
they're like, "Oh, I bet he struggles
to maintain an erection."
81
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,820
-That's not fair.
-[audience laughter]
82
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,154
That's not fair at all.
83
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,782
I lost my virginity to a girl.
84
00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:44,784
I can't tell what's more unbelievable,
85
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:46,452
that I've had sex with a woman,
86
00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,538
or that I've had sex.
87
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,082
Is that the joke?
88
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:55,211
Okay, well, your whole set is about
how you have your period, so...
89
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,421
Write what you flow.
90
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,132
Listen, I don't know
why you run bits past me.
91
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,259
Why don't you just go up there and do it?
92
00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,637
I'm just... I'm just watching tonight.
93
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,389
You're always "just watching."
94
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,850
All right, you ready for your next comic?
Let's hear it!
95
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,768
-[cheering]
-All right, all right!
96
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,228
You know her, I hate her.
97
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,897
Let's give it up for Murphy!
98
00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:16,691
[cheers and applause]
99
00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,152
Keep it coming. Keep it going.
100
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:20,611
[Peter cheers]
101
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:21,946
[clears throat]
102
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,614
What's up, you guys?
103
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:26,117
Yeah, my name is Murphy,
but you can call me Joan...
104
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,453
[imitates Joan Rivers]
...because I bleed Rivers.
105
00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,413
-[woman laughs]
-[crowd groans]
106
00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:31,873
It's a fucking joke.
107
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:33,624
[school bell sounds]
108
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,587
[Charles] So, if you've ever bothered
to open your syllabus
109
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,798
or listen to a single word I've said,
110
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,217
you would know that coming up, we have--
111
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,721
Late as ever, Miss Chester.
112
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:50,266
-[whispers] Sorry.
-If you weren't so smart, I'd fail you.
113
00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,144
Where was I? Oh, right.
114
00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:56,272
[Doug] Look who's sitting by me today.
115
00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:58,608
I'm a lesbian.
116
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,695
My sister's a lesbian.
117
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,866
She looks like me,
so she's definitely your type.
118
00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:10,495
I'm not actually a lesbian,
119
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:13,247
but I'd like to pay attention
to the lecture, please.
120
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,420
[whispering] I'm an only child.
121
00:06:20,963 --> 00:06:22,965
And you can borrow my notes.
122
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:26,135
[Professor Charles
continues speaking indistinctly]
123
00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:28,971
[Charles] That's right.
124
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,556
Your presentation...
125
00:06:31,140 --> 00:06:33,518
is the psychology
126
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:37,271
of why you are becoming a psychiatrist.
127
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,858
So that means there are no wrong answers.
128
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:42,819
Just answers I don't like.
129
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:45,947
[Frank imitating airplane]
130
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:48,658
[Frank] We're going over Delaware.
131
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:52,453
We're doing a full flight
over the country...
132
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:55,415
-Flying here, you know what I'm saying?
-[Portia] Ooh, yeah.
133
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,999
-We haven't quite made it.
-[giggling]
134
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,459
We haven't made it to LA.
135
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:01,087
We only made it to the Rocky Mountains.
136
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,506
-I'm going into your Rocky Mountain!
-Frank?
137
00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:05,091
Can you guys hold up a second?
138
00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:07,802
-[Portia] Come into my Rocky Mountain!
-My stewardess Wonder Woman...
139
00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:08,886
[Frank imitating airplane]
140
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,306
-Mayday! Mayday!
-Just flying through.
141
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:13,599
Roomie!
142
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,810
Hey, Portia. How's your mom doing?
143
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,771
-She's alive.
-Where you been all night, bro, huh?
144
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,731
Fucking dudes? [laughs]
145
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,360
Oh, hey. I asked Portia if she'd put
her finger up my butt, but no go.
146
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,361
Thought of you.
147
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,655
-Thank you.
-I just got my nails done.
148
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:29,782
This was before you got the rhinestones.
149
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,827
Frank... you eat street meat.
150
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:35,663
-Do you think I'm gonna stick my nail...
-Good luck landing the plane.
151
00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:39,208
Oh, uh, roomie! Rent is due.
152
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,043
And I mean it this time.
153
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,004
Of course.
154
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,052
[sighs]
155
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,146
[Frank] Okay, but just promise me though,
156
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:03,816
when-when-when your fingernail falls off,
157
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:06,944
that we can revisit this issue
with open minds
158
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,572
and supportive hearts.
159
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:11,908
[Portia]
Oh, but Frank, can't we just...
160
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,911
use a cucumber or-or a broomstick?
161
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,370
[Frank scoffs] Well...
162
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:20,374
It's about skin to skin. Like a baby.
163
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,793
It's about connection.
164
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,671
[Portia] I don't want any connection
with your bum hole, Frank.
165
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,925
You can just pay for somebody to do it,
for all I care.
166
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:37,308
[inhales deeply]
167
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:38,601
[exhales]
168
00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:55,993
[groans]
169
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,131
It's time.
170
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:20,434
[moans]
171
00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:22,728
[breathing heavily]
172
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:28,985
Good-- good evening, Mistress May.
173
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:33,406
Did I give you permission to speak?
174
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,870
We have Fred in the trunk.
175
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,163
-He's into...
-[muffled yelling]
176
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,833
...torture, wax play, piss play,
humiliation--
177
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,668
Wait, did you just say "piss play"?
178
00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,714
Okay, I know a lot of this
is probably outside your comfort zone,
179
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:53,676
but maybe it needs to get in your zone,
because this is your job now.
180
00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:55,136
Eh, Petey?
181
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,345
Carter.
182
00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:58,848
You get Mistress May.
183
00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,224
I want a fake name, too.
184
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:04,687
As long as you do what I say,
I'll call you whatever the fuck you want.
185
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:06,731
Carter.
186
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,232
[muffled yelling continues]
187
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:10,484
Let's do this shit.
188
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,029
[breathing heavily]
189
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:14,488
[Tiff] Permission to speak.
190
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,241
[clears throat]
191
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,951
Wh-- Where am I?
192
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,997
[Tiff] You're very, very far away
from anybody.
193
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:25,625
-Oh, yeah.
-In the middle of the country.
194
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:28,085
-Oh, yeah. The country.
-[tires skid, horn honks]
195
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,504
[man] Fuck you, motherfucker!
This is New York!
196
00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:31,839
[imitates bird cawing]
197
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,467
[groans] Oh!
198
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,136
-Wilma.
-Say it, Fred.
199
00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,512
Oh! Ah!
200
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,306
Who else lives in Bedrock, Fred?
201
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:41,932
[Fred] Pebbles.
202
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:42,850
[Fred laughs]
203
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,520
Do not be such a baby puss, Fred!
204
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:47,563
-[slap]
-[groans]
205
00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:53,486
Um, is he saying Flintstones characters?
206
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:54,862
Barney Rubble's his safe word,
207
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:58,115
so we go through all the characters
until he can't stand it anymore.
208
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,992
Gross. That's a kid's show.
209
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,244
Go change, Carter.
210
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:04,997
"Go change, Carter."
211
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,249
-[whip lashes]
-[Fred] Oh.
212
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:12,380
[Tiff] Fred?
213
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,049
Have you been a bad boy lately?
214
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,468
Betty... Rubble.
215
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:18,886
How bad?
216
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,179
Bad.
217
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:21,555
ISIS bad.
218
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,309
-I deserve to be punished.
-[whip lashes]
219
00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:28,771
I decide what you deserve,
you pathetic tiny-dicked piece of shit!
220
00:11:30,314 --> 00:11:31,482
Make fun...
221
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,693
of my tiny...
222
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,069
penis.
223
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,404
Please?
224
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,322
[laughing]
225
00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:40,157
[clears throat]
226
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:43,411
-Mistress May, is Carter laughing at me?
-No.
227
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,998
I think I like it.
228
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:48,999
[crying]
229
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:54,255
Can Carter make fun of my tiny dick,
Mistress May?
230
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,299
Carter,
231
00:11:57,591 --> 00:12:00,678
how small is this pathetic excuse
for a dick?
232
00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,514
-Carter pleads the fifth.
-Carter, please...
233
00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,015
-Answer the question.
-No means no.
234
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,058
Fred...
235
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,769
Mmm, Carter needs his money so bad.
236
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,479
Oh, Carter! Poor-- poor Carter!
237
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,732
Mommy and Daddy stopped paying the bills.
238
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:16,694
He's just a sad, little
wannabe stand-up comedian
239
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,654
who can't even pay his rent.
240
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:23,868
So Carter is gonna speak on this dick
like he's giving a fucking Ted Talk,
241
00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,454
or he'll take his ass back home to Georgia
where it belongs.
242
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:28,956
Don't talk to me
like we're still in high school.
243
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,624
Do what I fucking tell you to do.
244
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,501
[Fred] Barney Rubble. [groans]
245
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,004
-Fred said "Barney Rubble."
-Oh, so now you care about Fred's--
246
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,005
Barney Rubble?
247
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,089
[gasping]
248
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,716
Oh, my God.
249
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:39,925
Fred.
250
00:12:40,384 --> 00:12:41,844
-I am so sorry.
-[Fred coughs]
251
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:42,762
Are you okay?
252
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,054
[panting]
253
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,140
Are you guys a couple?
254
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:47,850
No, he's gay.
255
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,894
That is my information to share.
256
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:51,771
So...
257
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,232
You've seen a lot of penises?
258
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,027
Well, I wouldn't say a lot.
259
00:12:58,527 --> 00:12:59,361
[Fred] Is mine...
260
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,614
the smallest...
261
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,116
you've ever seen?
262
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,672
The smallest penis I've ever seen.
263
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,345
Bamm-Bamm.
264
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,222
[Fred exhales, masturbates]
265
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,223
I mean...
266
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,725
I've seen more meat in a vegan kitchen.
267
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,730
Is that a Pulitzer?
Because it's A Raisin in the Sun.
268
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,774
Oh, Dino, Carter...
269
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,985
A little bit of Proactiv
oughta clear that the fuck up.
270
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,780
The Lollipop Guild wants to make it
an honorary member.
271
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,115
My anorexic friend wants the number
of your dietitian.
272
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:49,036
I've seen bigger dicks in a dyke bar
without my contacts in!
273
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,497
Oh, thank you! Thank you!
274
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,748
Thank you!
275
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:53,666
[moans]
276
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:58,671
[vehicle passes]
277
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,509
Oh, my God. You killed it in there!
278
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,263
You know,
I can drive the car and help out, but...
279
00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,599
I'm not cut out
for what just happened in there.
280
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:13,561
Yeah.
281
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:14,937
You're right.
282
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,689
I am?
283
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:19,024
Yeah, that...
284
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:20,943
That was Carter in there.
285
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:21,861
So...
286
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,738
If you see him again, just, uh...
287
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:28,325
let him know there's a lot more
where this came from.
288
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,626
Hey, where you going?
289
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,212
Grad school waits for no dominatrix.
290
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,229
Maybe next time, you can pee on me.
19978
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