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1
00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:05,657
- Pfft.
2
00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:08,573
[tense music]
3
00:00:08,617 --> 00:00:11,054
♪
4
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,404
Isn't there another way,
Superintendant?
5
00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:16,494
- Budget cuts are an
ugly reality, Principal Durbin.
6
00:00:16,538 --> 00:00:18,279
Kind of like that vest
you're wearing.
7
00:00:18,322 --> 00:00:21,064
- Thi--well,
Helen said I looked adorable.
8
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:23,501
- Oh, he does.
He looks like a little penguin
9
00:00:23,545 --> 00:00:25,242
that ran away from the zoo,
10
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:28,419
and then he became
a little principal named Ralph.
11
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:30,465
- Eh.
Too late.
12
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,162
I've got another school
to disembowel
13
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:35,165
before first bell.
Time to trim the fat, Durbin.
14
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:39,126
[ominous music]
15
00:00:39,169 --> 00:00:43,391
- Helen,
we're gonna need fresh fruit.
16
00:00:43,434 --> 00:00:45,828
- And fresh fruit
there shall be.
17
00:00:45,871 --> 00:00:48,831
[tense music]
18
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:51,442
♪
19
00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:54,619
- Oh, hey, Jack.
Help yourself, you deserve it.
20
00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:56,099
You're a good teacher
and a great citizen
21
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,492
with an
even better posture.
22
00:00:57,535 --> 00:00:59,494
You know, I'm gonna
go ahead and say it:
23
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:02,279
you're a hot man.
- Mm-hmm.
24
00:01:03,193 --> 00:01:05,674
Okay, why am I sensing
a Trojan Horse situation
25
00:01:05,717 --> 00:01:09,765
where you slip in some bad
news under a mound of honeydew?
26
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,201
- Well, there better not be
honeydew.
27
00:01:11,245 --> 00:01:13,116
I paid for premium fruit.
28
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,378
Although,
now that you mention it,
29
00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,902
I do have a small announcement.
30
00:01:16,946 --> 00:01:17,903
- There it is. See?
31
00:01:17,947 --> 00:01:19,731
Knew it. Called it.
32
00:01:19,775 --> 00:01:22,647
- The superintendent
is trying to raise funds
33
00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:24,519
to renovate her new
executive building,
34
00:01:24,562 --> 00:01:27,304
so she is proposing
some budget cuts.
35
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:29,393
- These are blood bagels.
- Mm-hmm.
36
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,134
- She said, and I quote,
37
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:34,746
"The decadence of public school
must be curbed."
38
00:01:34,790 --> 00:01:36,661
- Hey, there's no TP
on the second floor,
39
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:38,881
so that's gonna be
a "hold it" zone.
40
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:43,277
- [sighs] She is proposing cuts
in school supplies,
41
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,758
arts events, and unfortunately,
42
00:01:46,802 --> 00:01:48,630
part-time teachers.
43
00:01:48,673 --> 00:01:51,720
That means you, Jack, 'cause
you only teach one class.
44
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,417
- You guys teach
more than one class?
45
00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:54,766
- [scoffs]
46
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,812
- That sounds exhausting.
- It is.
47
00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:59,554
I fall asleep the minute my
head hits the steering wheel.
48
00:01:59,597 --> 00:02:01,164
- Yeah...
49
00:02:01,208 --> 00:02:02,818
- Well, Jack,
I am going to do everything
50
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:05,864
within my limited power
to help you keep your job.
51
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:08,171
It'll be like a little ant
52
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,781
trying to push
a pumpkin back home.
53
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:11,914
- Durbin, please don't
work your children's book
54
00:02:11,957 --> 00:02:13,481
into Jack's firing.
55
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:16,266
- Yeah, don't--
Wait, am I being fired?
56
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:17,876
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
57
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,704
- One, two, three, four!
58
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:22,229
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
59
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,883
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
60
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:31,760
♪
61
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,937
- I can't believe
the superintendent's canceling
62
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,808
the jazz band's Pops concert.
63
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:39,594
- We were finally gonna do
a jazzy salute to
64
00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:42,510
"The Ladies of the '80s
And Also to The Men of Then."
65
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:44,425
- We can't just let them cancel
our concert.
66
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:45,991
It's all I have.
67
00:02:46,035 --> 00:02:47,689
[to herself]
It's all I have.
68
00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:50,692
- Maybe we can make a
"Save our Concert," video
69
00:02:50,735 --> 00:02:52,215
to show at
the school board meeting.
70
00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:55,740
- Yeah, we've gotta fight
for our right
71
00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:57,351
to play smooth jazz.
72
00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:59,004
[door opens]
- All right, everybody.
73
00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:02,486
Let's shut up, and shut up
to completion.
74
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,835
My job's on the line here,
guys,
75
00:03:03,879 --> 00:03:05,489
and I need to figure out
how to save it.
76
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:07,448
- Why do you care?
You hate this place.
77
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,319
- It's that hot payroll lady,
Lynette.
78
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:11,800
He doesn't wanna leave
until he gets some of that.
79
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:14,281
[all oohing]
80
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:15,847
- He did get some of that.
81
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,720
We saw them kissing,
full mouth-to-mouth.
82
00:03:18,763 --> 00:03:20,243
[oohing]
83
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,853
- Okay, uh, Victor,
you've taken
84
00:03:21,897 --> 00:03:23,377
what was a wonderful moment
85
00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:24,900
and made it sound like
a pool accident.
86
00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,815
[all oohing]
87
00:03:26,858 --> 00:03:28,773
- All right, if you guys don't
know how and when to "Ooh"
88
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:30,775
then just don't "ooh" at all.
Okay? Now, I need to find a way
89
00:03:30,819 --> 00:03:33,038
to hang onto this cushy
position for another few months
90
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,345
while I finish this book.
- Maybe you should have
91
00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:36,825
made yourself
more indispensible.
92
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:39,567
- Mm.
Anthony, slap Marcus.
93
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:42,309
- I don't want to get up.
- Let me guess.
94
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:43,962
You're gonna do some sneaky,
unethical mission
95
00:03:44,006 --> 00:03:45,660
to bring down
Superintendent Bullard.
96
00:03:45,703 --> 00:03:49,794
- Sarika,
you make me feel seen.
97
00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:51,448
[clicks tongue]
98
00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:56,061
- Yes, the order
is under DeMarcus.
99
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:59,935
That's D as in "Dexamethasone,"
E as in "eight,"
100
00:03:59,978 --> 00:04:04,069
M as in "Mnemonic,"
A as in "Au Pair,"
101
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,941
R as in
"Are we having tacos tonight?"
102
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,943
- Hey, hey, you guys,
I've got it.
103
00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:10,598
I've got the perfect plan to
take down the superintendent.
104
00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:12,382
All right? It starts with you
jumping out
105
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:14,036
in front of her moving car.
You get bashed, right?
106
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:16,299
And as you're going to
the ground you pull out a razor
107
00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:18,301
from under your tongue, you
slash yourself in the face--
108
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:19,563
- Wait, wait, I'm sorry--
wait.
109
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:20,564
I have a razor blade
in my mouth
110
00:04:20,608 --> 00:04:21,826
when I get hit by a car?
111
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,567
- Yeah, that's right.
So anyway,
112
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:25,613
as you're bleeding to death
on the ground, you stand up
113
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,528
and you go,
"You're drunk again, Bullard!"
114
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,486
- No, I'm not--
I'm not doing this.
115
00:04:29,530 --> 00:04:32,315
It sounds like I could get
seriously hurt, and...
116
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,056
between you and me...
117
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:35,753
I cry when I get hurt.
118
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,407
- Oh, pfft.
That's perfect.
119
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,582
I mean, you're crying,
you're bleeding.
120
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,844
Could you also
pee-pee your pants?
121
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:42,325
- No, I'm not peeing
my pants
122
00:04:42,369 --> 00:04:44,327
for anyone ever again.
123
00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:46,329
We are gonna keep
our dignity on this.
124
00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:48,810
At Whitlock High,
we take the high road.
125
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:50,768
- Mm, but I feel like
the low road is just--
126
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:52,117
it's always so much faster.
127
00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:54,076
- Well, we're gonna
knock her silly
128
00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:56,600
with some Whitlock pride!
129
00:04:56,644 --> 00:04:58,776
- Yup. But what's most
important is we have found
130
00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,735
a way for you to keep
your job.
131
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:03,607
Effective immediately,
you are full-time
132
00:05:03,651 --> 00:05:08,612
by becoming the assistant
to the principal's secretary.
133
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:11,615
- [whispers]
That's me.
134
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:13,095
[wheezing laugh]
135
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,619
[drums]
136
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:18,579
- Oh, God...
137
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:21,843
.
138
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:24,976
[tense music]
139
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,326
- Mm.
140
00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:28,110
- [squealing]
- Good morning.
141
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:31,722
After a night of sustained
pillow screaming,
142
00:05:31,766 --> 00:05:34,334
I am physically here.
143
00:05:34,377 --> 00:05:37,424
- Aloha!
Here is your lanyard,
144
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,426
Helen's assistant.
[laughs]
145
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,776
- Here we go.
Oh, we're missing a T here.
146
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:44,735
- I think I know how to spell
my own name, you ding-dong.
147
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:48,348
All right, we're gonna start
off with my filing system.
148
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:51,307
I file each kid
under their best trait.
149
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,396
Like Tommy Orbach,
that jokester
150
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,355
is under
H for "hilarious."
151
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:59,924
And David Epstein,
he's under M for married.
152
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:01,709
- Wait, we have a student
who's married?
153
00:06:01,752 --> 00:06:03,406
- No, his parents were married
when they had him.
154
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,016
Not me, I'm a bastard.
155
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,453
Don't tell anybody.
156
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:08,150
I tell everybody.
157
00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:11,283
Joe Abel is under O
'cause I'm always like,
158
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,851
"Oh, Joe.
Get out of here."
159
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:17,812
[rock music]
160
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:21,206
- Honk, honk, honk!
161
00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,904
Honk, honk!
162
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,210
- I'm sorry, Helen.
What is this?
163
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:26,908
What--what are we doing?
- Oops!
164
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,866
I skipped the headline.
- Yeah.
165
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,433
- These are examples
of inappropriate touching
166
00:06:30,477 --> 00:06:33,349
in the workplace.
Honk! Honk!
167
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:37,527
Now this one--honk!
It's appropriate.
168
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,877
It's your honker.
But don't try to do this.
169
00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:43,054
Honk, honk, honk, honk,
and work your way down.
170
00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:44,447
You know what
I'm talking about.
171
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,406
- I don't want to interrupt
the workflow.
172
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,059
- Oh, no.
Please do interrupt, Lynette.
173
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,496
And please never stop
interrupting.
174
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,933
- Nah, I'll just leave this
start paperwork
175
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:54,152
and let you get back to
honking, Helen. [clicks tongue]
176
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:55,763
- Don't go.
Please don't go.
177
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,547
- Hey, you're visually
honking her.
178
00:06:57,591 --> 00:06:59,070
Stop it.
- I wasn't--
179
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:01,072
- Now, I want you to show me
180
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:03,074
all the honkables on you.
181
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:05,425
- Oh, God.
182
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:09,951
Well, I--I suppose
this would be a...
183
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:10,952
honk.
184
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:13,171
- Correct. Next.
185
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,784
- [groaning]
- Come on.
186
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:18,916
You know.
187
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,919
[harmonica music]
188
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,094
- [sighs]
It's lunch.
189
00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:24,792
[sighs]
190
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,184
[dramatic chords]
- Lunchtime!
191
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:28,012
- Helen, I'm--
- We gals in the office
192
00:07:28,056 --> 00:07:29,579
like to eat together.
- Mm-hmm.
193
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:32,539
- And I'm gonna tell you
all about how I was wide awake
194
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,193
when I got my hip replacement.
- [sighs]
195
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,978
- You know, the
anesthesiologist missed a vein,
196
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,545
and I just didn't
want to get him in trouble,
197
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:41,504
so I laid there and hushed up,
but I heard it all.
198
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:44,289
I heard the scooping,
I heard the hammering
199
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:47,162
and the sawing
and the Jay Z songs.
200
00:07:47,205 --> 00:07:49,120
- Okay, I quit.
I can't do it. I quit.
201
00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:51,253
- Oh, thank God,
because you've been around
202
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:52,863
my honk zone a lot.
203
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,343
- Here's your ass lanyard.
204
00:07:56,171 --> 00:07:58,956
- So I was thinking
for our save the concert video,
205
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,307
we could be British orphans
begging for jazz.
206
00:08:02,351 --> 00:08:04,962
- Oh, that'd be awesome.
207
00:08:05,006 --> 00:08:07,922
"Please, sir,
can I have some jazz?
208
00:08:07,965 --> 00:08:11,839
My ears is ever so empty."
209
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,101
- [clears throat]
210
00:08:13,144 --> 00:08:16,931
- Yeah, or maybe
something rad like
211
00:08:16,974 --> 00:08:20,151
Dan pretending to be an orphan
begging for jazz.
212
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,980
- Okay, Dan's not in jazz band.
213
00:08:23,024 --> 00:08:24,547
- Yeah, and I don't really
see myself
214
00:08:24,591 --> 00:08:25,635
as the face of smooth jazz.
215
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,072
- Are you saying it's dorky?
216
00:08:28,116 --> 00:08:30,335
- No, no, j--
Well, yeah, but--
217
00:08:30,379 --> 00:08:33,861
but you guys
can probably make it cool.
218
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,993
So...
- So that's a no?
219
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:37,473
[door opening]
220
00:08:41,695 --> 00:08:45,612
- In medieval Europe,
there was a torture technique
221
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:48,136
called the Judas Cradle which
involved lowering a man
222
00:08:48,179 --> 00:08:51,226
by ropes onto
a pyramid-shaped seat
223
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:54,229
with a sharp point
that was...
224
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:57,188
inserted into his anus.
225
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:59,539
After one morning with Helen,
I found myself yearning
226
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:03,194
for that sweet, sweet cradle.
227
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,632
Anyway, suffice it to say,
I quit.
228
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:08,025
Couldn't take that anymore.
So it looks like the only way
229
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:10,375
to save my job now is to
take down the superintendant.
230
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:12,334
- We've actually got
an amazing plan cooking
231
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:14,597
that's gonna save
both jazz and your job.
232
00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:17,382
- Mm-hmm. Right. My only worry
is that your plan is dumb.
233
00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,994
You know, so let me drive.
All right, Grace,
234
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:22,431
Check her Instagram.
Caleb, check her Carfax.
235
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:24,215
Anthony, pull up her
financials.
236
00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:26,087
Eduardo, give me some of that
weird peanut brittle
237
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,350
your mom makes.
I like it.
238
00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:29,569
All right.
239
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,396
Ha ha ha hah.
Great.
240
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,181
Give me something good, guys.
What do you go?
241
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:35,009
- Sorry, her financials
look good.
242
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,360
- Hmm.
- Yeah, she's clean, Griff.
243
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,275
- Well...
244
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,451
no one is squeaky clean.
245
00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,496
No one.
[tense music]
246
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,586
I just need to dig deeper.
247
00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:48,413
♪
248
00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:50,633
[crunching]
249
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:54,245
- Doesn't he have a dead tooth?
250
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:55,682
- Yeah,
but he's using the molars.
251
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:58,685
- Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you here.
252
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,035
- Uh, yeah. I'm just picking up
some food to go.
253
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:02,732
- Well, everyone's got to eat,
254
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,342
even naked Mickey Mouse
over here.
255
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:05,648
[all laughing]
256
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,563
- Oh, the gloves
aren't part of it.
257
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,521
It's just cold outside so--
- Oh, and now he looks like
258
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:12,481
notorious bad dad
Steve Jobs.
259
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,570
Come on turtle neck!
[laughter]
260
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,093
- Oh, Michelle,
you wanna rip on his outfit?
261
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:17,486
- Yeah, did you have something?
262
00:10:17,529 --> 00:10:18,966
- Uh, come back to me.
- Okay.
263
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,271
- Yeah, giggle it up, hens.
264
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:21,446
I'm actually going
on a stakeout.
265
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,274
- Oooh, who you staking out?
266
00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:25,102
- The superintendent.
Yeah, I'm gonna find something
267
00:10:25,146 --> 00:10:27,627
to blackmail her with
so I can save my job.
268
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,629
- Shouldn't you be bringing
a table onstage
269
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,631
in "Hello Dolly,"?
- Ah, there it is.
270
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:33,633
- Like a stagehand!
[laughter]
271
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:35,460
- Jack, don't you think
that blackmail
272
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,724
is a little bit extreme?
- You know, actually,
273
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,595
you should be thanking me,
Mary, because first to go
274
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,380
is part-time teachers but, uh,
you know what comes next?
275
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,991
Art.
And then, Michelle,
276
00:10:44,034 --> 00:10:46,080
Health isn't far behind.
277
00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,559
Mm-hmm.
278
00:10:50,171 --> 00:10:51,302
- Hey.
- No.
279
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:52,695
- Yeah.
- No.
280
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,088
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
281
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:56,438
- This is so fun!
282
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:58,092
- It's like a sleepover
in a car.
283
00:10:58,135 --> 00:10:59,397
Oh, my God.
Hope I don't freeze
284
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:02,357
your bra, Jack.
[laughter]
285
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:06,491
.
286
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:09,407
- Last time I was on
a stakeout, I was waiting
287
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:10,713
for a Taco Bell to open.
Did you know that
288
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:13,324
they close sometimes?
I guess to mop?
289
00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:14,978
- Ladies, will you just focus?
290
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:16,414
All right,
somebody's coming to the door.
291
00:11:16,458 --> 00:11:18,416
Look, look, look.
Who is that?
292
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,635
Okay...
293
00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:24,553
Ah, that's the basket
of Whitlock stuff
294
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:25,815
from Helen and Durbin.
295
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:28,731
[tense music]
296
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:30,428
- Damn!
- Ooh.
297
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:32,474
- Wow, she didn't even keep
the basket.
298
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:33,823
Who doesn't need a basket,
you know?
299
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:35,607
- I don't know.
- Like, you know, you can
300
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,653
put socks in there or I don't--
all kinds of stuff
301
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,090
can go in a basket.
I mean, friggin'...socks or--
302
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,918
Look, I shouldn't
have to explain to you guys
303
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:43,441
what goes in baskets.
304
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:45,008
Why are you laughing?
- We don't
305
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,880
keep our
socks in baskets, Jack.
306
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:48,620
Come on, now.
- Everyone just be quiet.
307
00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:50,884
- Put our socks in there?
- Who's this guy?
308
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:54,322
[whispering]
Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
309
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:55,715
- Hey! Fresh-step.
- What are you doing?
310
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,412
- Over here!
Order for Mary?
311
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:58,630
Yeah, yeah, come on.
- You're gonna blow
312
00:11:58,674 --> 00:12:00,502
our cover!
- What is this?
313
00:12:00,545 --> 00:12:02,852
- Thank you.
Ahh.
314
00:12:02,896 --> 00:12:04,767
- Uh, tip?
315
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:07,552
- I'll do it in the app.
316
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:09,337
- Boo!
317
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,732
- Are you really that hungry
that you couldn't wait?
318
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:16,039
- [laughs] Oh, Jack,
this pizza is not for eating.
319
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,824
- [laughs]
320
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:20,740
[tense music]
321
00:12:20,783 --> 00:12:23,960
- Three, two, one.
all: Pizza slap!
322
00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:26,354
[laughter]
323
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:29,009
- Dang, Michelle,
that was an aggressive slap.
324
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,967
- Don't hate the player,
hate the game!
325
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,795
- I do hate the game.
It's a stupid game.
326
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,971
- Wh--you can't say that.
You haven't even played yet.
327
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:36,799
Three, two, one.
Pizza slap!
328
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:39,367
I'm not play--
[laughter]
329
00:12:40,498 --> 00:12:42,413
- Really?
Really?
330
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,024
So I'm over here trying
to save my job,
331
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,026
and you just got pizza all over
my dead mom's turtleneck.
332
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:47,941
This is too far, too far.
We're done.
333
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:50,030
Give me these pizzas.
334
00:12:50,073 --> 00:12:51,945
[slapping]
all: Whoa!
335
00:12:51,988 --> 00:12:54,599
- Double slap!
- He took it to a new level!
336
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,123
[laughter]
- Took it to a new level.
337
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:58,647
- It's cathartic.
It really is cathartic.
338
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,605
- Oh, my God, you guys,
We got the best
339
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:02,694
pizza slap pictures.
Look at this one of Michelle.
340
00:13:02,738 --> 00:13:04,696
- Oh, my God.
Wait...
341
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:07,830
♪
342
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,441
What's that in the background?
343
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,834
- Looks like
Superintendent Bullard
344
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,183
kissing her husband.
345
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,185
- Excuse me,
that's not her husband.
346
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,187
Her husband is super short.
347
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,538
- Oh, my God, really?
A cheating photo?
348
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:22,410
We got her.
349
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:24,542
We got her!
Oh, sweet low road,
350
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,153
take us home.
- Yeah!
351
00:13:26,196 --> 00:13:27,632
[laughter]
352
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:31,027
[kids miming playing
instruments]
353
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:35,423
[silence]
354
00:13:51,221 --> 00:13:52,788
Victor's recorded voice:
Happy birthday!
355
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,095
So what do you think?
356
00:13:55,138 --> 00:13:57,880
Be totally honest.
Dorky?
357
00:13:57,924 --> 00:13:59,795
- Why does it say happy
birthday at the end?
358
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,623
- Yeah, and who's
the creepy guy with the cake?
359
00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,234
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's my dad. He's cool.
360
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:06,846
It's, like, a bug
in the editing software.
361
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,152
It's from a birthday message
I made for him.
362
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:10,980
Couldn't figure out
how to delete it.
363
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,026
- I told you that
was gonna be a problem.
364
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:15,593
- I really don't think anyone
watching it is gonna be like,
365
00:14:15,637 --> 00:14:19,771
"Why is there a shot of this
old man's birthday at the end?"
366
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:21,686
- Vic, everyone's
gonna wonder that.
367
00:14:21,730 --> 00:14:23,210
- Yeah.
368
00:14:23,253 --> 00:14:27,779
- What if I had an idea
for a better video?
369
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:29,042
Hey, Double Decker.
- Hm?
370
00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,608
What if I told you
that I had
371
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:34,525
a surefire way
to make Pops cool?
372
00:14:34,569 --> 00:14:37,180
- Wait, is that
a vintage Orange Slice?
373
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:40,967
- Uh, yeah. Cost me 30 beans
just to open it.
374
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,620
There's two more
where this came from.
375
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,231
- It's beautiful.
- Uh-uh-uh.
376
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:48,191
You wanna get twisted,
you've gotta save jazz.
377
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,237
[slurping]
378
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,629
Ahh.
379
00:14:51,673 --> 00:14:53,718
♪
380
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:55,938
- That is Superintendant
Bullard kissing a man
381
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:57,505
who is not her husband.
- [gasps]
382
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,028
- Looks like we saved
the school, Ralph.
383
00:14:59,072 --> 00:15:00,116
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
384
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,509
- Much more effective
385
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:02,814
than you
sending her a sock basket
386
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,207
filled with
a bunch of other crud.
387
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,296
- Okay, well, I am still
very optimistic
388
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,081
that that plan
is going to work.
389
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:10,170
- Oh, you mean
this gift basket
390
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,650
that we saw her throw
in the trash?
391
00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,087
- [gasps]
- Now, listen.
392
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:16,219
I am giving
a verymoving speech
393
00:15:16,263 --> 00:15:18,656
in front of the school board
that I think is gonna
394
00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:20,702
do the trick,
and I'm sorry, gang,
395
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,008
but I gotta delete
these photos.
396
00:15:22,051 --> 00:15:23,966
women: No! No!
- No, no, no!
397
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,968
Ralph!
- Oh!
398
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,970
- All right, well, at least
we still have the hard copies.
399
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,667
- Nope.
- What are you doing?
400
00:15:29,711 --> 00:15:31,974
- Trust me, Jack.
- No, no, no--no!
401
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:33,802
- Hey!
- Ralph!
402
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:36,065
- Durby is gonna save
the day--the right way.
403
00:15:36,109 --> 00:15:37,240
- [groans] Ahh.
404
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:39,851
.
405
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:42,811
- And that is yet
another of the many reasons
406
00:15:42,854 --> 00:15:46,119
why we cannot afford to lose
any of our educators,
407
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,512
teachers like...
Jack Griffin.
408
00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:51,298
Now, Jack Griffin
is a part-time teacher,
409
00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:54,388
but he's a full-time genius.
410
00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:58,958
Every one of his students
is currently testing at 100%.
411
00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:02,222
Now, moving on--
and this one's a biggie--
412
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,484
paper towels.
413
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,834
Please, please
414
00:16:05,877 --> 00:16:07,836
do not make us go back
415
00:16:07,879 --> 00:16:10,186
to that rotating linen thing.
And by the way,
416
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:11,927
here's something
you don't think about.
417
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,147
A kid with a runny nose
uses that linen thing.
418
00:16:14,190 --> 00:16:16,279
What does he do?
He loops it back up
419
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,238
inside the container,
and if you have
420
00:16:18,281 --> 00:16:20,588
three separate teenagers
using one of those things
421
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:25,158
within 20 minutes, that is
teenaged hormone-soaked mucus
422
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,987
being rolled back up
into the darkness
423
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:31,120
to mutate and strengthen,
and that, my friends,
424
00:16:31,164 --> 00:16:33,035
that is the beginning
of "World War Z."
425
00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:35,081
- Hey, when Durbin
wraps up,
426
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,996
I need you guys to go
up there and fill
427
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:38,171
as long as you can.
428
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,347
- Okay.
- All right.
429
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,044
- Now, we're in Toledo,
and this is a great city,
430
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:43,393
but we're not gonna last.
431
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:46,396
[rock music]
432
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:50,313
♪
433
00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:52,924
- Oh, hey, Mr. Griffin.
- Oh, hey, kids.
434
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:54,317
Lynette.
435
00:16:54,361 --> 00:16:56,406
- Jack. Finally put
a stop to Helen?
436
00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:58,669
- Ha!
Like this would be enough.
437
00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:01,281
[both chuckle]
438
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,065
♪
439
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:04,980
Here we go.
440
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,416
[whispers] Yes, baby.
441
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,897
- Back away from
the confidential trash.
442
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:10,681
- Dale,
I've got an axe.
443
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,335
- Yeah. Let me
unlock that for ya.
444
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:13,467
- Yeah.
445
00:17:13,510 --> 00:17:16,165
- All right.
446
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:18,080
- Yep. Got it?
447
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,386
There it is.
- Here you go.
448
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:22,258
Working on something fun?
- Yeah, uh, well,
449
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:24,086
just gotta piece this
together.
450
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:27,089
Wanna grab me some
Glue Stic there, bud?
451
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,525
Dale.
- What?
452
00:17:28,569 --> 00:17:31,398
- Now!
- Ohh...
453
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,443
- You know, without
money in the budget
454
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:36,577
for extra clay,
there would be no...
455
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:40,363
gift ashtrays for, uh...
456
00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,365
that awkward Uncle who
would yell when you were 12,
457
00:17:42,409 --> 00:17:45,412
"Uh-oh, looks like someone's
ready for a training-brar."
458
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,327
- Yeah. I mean, extra clay
459
00:17:47,370 --> 00:17:49,546
is the glue, if you will,
460
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,461
that holds together Christmas,
you know,
461
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,073
and Hanukah and Kwanza.
462
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:56,423
- Which brings us to glue,
you know,
463
00:17:56,466 --> 00:17:58,425
which is literally
the glue, you know,
464
00:17:58,468 --> 00:18:00,470
that holds itself together--
465
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,256
- We demand you watch
our video!
466
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:04,561
- Okay.
- Oh.
467
00:18:04,605 --> 00:18:06,041
- Yeah.
468
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,000
[suspenseful music]
469
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:12,091
♪
470
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,397
- Hey, pretty lady.
So I wanna talk to you
471
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,312
about something
very close to my heart--
472
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,097
this year's Pop's concert:
473
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,403
"A Jazzy Salute
to the Ladies of the '80s
474
00:18:20,447 --> 00:18:23,145
and also to the Men of Then."
475
00:18:23,189 --> 00:18:27,062
Oh! Okay.
An Orange Slice.
476
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,412
That's that sweet,
tangy pop right there.
477
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,458
Thanks, doll.
- You got it, stud.
478
00:18:31,501 --> 00:18:33,373
- Let me lay this on you.
479
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,332
Just like this sweet,
tasty, delicious pop,
480
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,508
Pops concerts are essential
481
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:41,424
because they keep you
refreshed and smilin'.
482
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,426
They're cool
and not dorky at all.
483
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:46,473
Ain't that right, Mama?
- You know it, Daddy.
484
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,736
[shimmering tone]
485
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:50,085
- Hit it, suckers.
486
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,347
[tap tap tap tap]
487
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:54,698
[playing "Tainted Love"]
488
00:18:54,742 --> 00:19:01,749
♪
489
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:10,061
[jazzy rendition of
"Tainted Love" continues]
490
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:15,458
♪
491
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,286
Victor: Happy birthday!
492
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:18,809
- Victor!
- What the hell, dude!
493
00:19:18,853 --> 00:19:21,029
- Can't figure out
how to get that outta there.
494
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,685
- I'd like to call for
a ten-minute recess
495
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,165
before we vote.
496
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:29,211
[suspenseful music]
497
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:31,779
♪
498
00:19:31,822 --> 00:19:34,825
- Superintendant Bullard.
Hey, 'scuse me. Hi.
499
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:37,654
I'd like you to shelve
your budget proposal.
500
00:19:37,698 --> 00:19:39,439
Look at this.
501
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:43,138
- So white people finally
found out about Pizza Slap?
502
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,663
- Uh, no, look in
the window there.
503
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:49,797
Uh-huh.
504
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:51,581
Find another way
to fund your building,
505
00:19:51,625 --> 00:19:53,235
and your husband
will never see this photo
506
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:56,107
of you kissing another man.
507
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:59,763
[suspenseful chords]
508
00:19:59,807 --> 00:20:04,855
- I heard you, Principal Durbin
and your thoughtful words,
509
00:20:04,899 --> 00:20:07,293
teachers of Whitlock
and your...
510
00:20:07,336 --> 00:20:09,730
strange presentation
about clay,
511
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:12,863
students of Whitlock
and your interesting...
512
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:15,214
soda commercial.
513
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:18,565
I have decided to rescind
my budget initiative.
514
00:20:18,608 --> 00:20:22,395
[uplifting music]
515
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,223
- Oh, yes!
516
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:31,230
♪
517
00:20:33,362 --> 00:20:35,756
- Boss, we did it!
- We saved the concert
518
00:20:35,799 --> 00:20:38,846
and your job.
You're welcome, girl.
519
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,804
- Yep. Good job, guys.
520
00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:42,415
- You were amazing.
- You're amazing.
521
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:44,678
- You're amazing.
- You were amazing!
522
00:20:44,721 --> 00:20:47,855
- And Jack, while you were
in the bathroom with an axe,
523
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,770
we saved your job.
524
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,728
- Mm-hmm.
525
00:20:51,772 --> 00:20:53,426
- Ooh!
- You're welcome.
526
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:56,167
- You're welcome.
[laughter]
527
00:20:56,211 --> 00:20:57,734
- We got everything we wanted.
528
00:20:57,778 --> 00:20:59,693
You see what happens
when you take the high road?
529
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:01,608
- Ah! Yeah!
530
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:03,218
You did it, Durby, you did it.
531
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,654
- Okay, yeah.
- Thank you, buddy.
532
00:21:04,698 --> 00:21:06,656
Durby saved the day, huh?
- He did! I gotta get
533
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,442
a little sugar. Honk!
- Okay.
534
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,313
- Honk!
- Oh. All right.
535
00:21:11,357 --> 00:21:12,749
All set, all set.
536
00:21:12,793 --> 00:21:15,622
[chuckles]
Ah...
537
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:17,537
What strange--
538
00:21:17,580 --> 00:21:20,148
Victor:
Happy birthday!
539
00:21:20,198 --> 00:21:24,748
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