Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,782 --> 00:00:08,617
Yeesh.
2
00:00:08,851 --> 00:00:11,890
The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.
3
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:13,560
This low-rent dump
4
00:00:13,561 --> 00:00:15,765
looks like the set
of a zombie movie.
5
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:16,933
Brands...
6
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:18,836
Brands!
7
00:00:18,837 --> 00:00:22,645
No one ever heard
of these brands.
8
00:00:22,646 --> 00:00:26,051
Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,
9
00:00:26,052 --> 00:00:28,790
so I have to scrimp
on the utensils,
10
00:00:28,791 --> 00:00:30,861
paper plates, and toilet paper.
11
00:00:30,862 --> 00:00:32,063
Mm.
12
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,905
Oh, great.
13
00:00:35,906 --> 00:00:37,608
It's Helen Lovejoy.
14
00:00:37,609 --> 00:00:41,616
- Quick, kids, paper towels.
- Marge? Marge Simpson.
15
00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:43,987
I assumed that was you
coming out of the shame store,
16
00:00:43,988 --> 00:00:45,857
so I rushed right over.
17
00:00:45,858 --> 00:00:46,927
Hi, Helen.
18
00:00:47,027 --> 00:00:49,999
Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,972
You know, the church pantry
is always open
20
00:00:52,973 --> 00:00:55,009
to the under-fortunate.
21
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:57,814
I'm just getting
some supplies
22
00:00:57,815 --> 00:00:59,117
for my birthday party tonight.
23
00:00:59,118 --> 00:01:02,089
Right. Your little
backyard soiree.
24
00:01:02,090 --> 00:01:03,827
For my birthday, Timothy took me
25
00:01:03,828 --> 00:01:07,668
on the Josh Groban
Canadian canal cruise.
26
00:01:07,669 --> 00:01:10,974
But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.
27
00:01:10,975 --> 00:01:14,949
Oh, boy.
28
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:29,812
What's her deal?
29
00:01:29,813 --> 00:01:32,049
She bumped into Helen Lovejoy
at the shame store
30
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,921
and has been growling
ever since.
31
00:01:33,922 --> 00:01:35,724
Don't worry.
32
00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:37,828
Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage
33
00:01:37,829 --> 00:01:40,834
in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,
34
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:45,777
then when she comes down, she's
cool as a mule in summer school.
35
00:01:45,778 --> 00:01:50,220
I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.
36
00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:57,668
You've reached
37
00:01:57,669 --> 00:01:58,603
your imagination limit
for the month.
38
00:01:58,604 --> 00:02:01,710
To keep imagining,
please subscribe.
39
00:02:01,711 --> 00:02:06,018
I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.
40
00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,690
All right, my loveables.
41
00:02:08,691 --> 00:02:11,930
Let's throw me
the best birthday party ever.
42
00:02:14,937 --> 00:02:16,906
Who wants crab puffs?
43
00:02:16,907 --> 00:02:18,142
- Yeah.
- Ah!
44
00:02:18,143 --> 00:02:20,681
Marge, this party is a hit.
45
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:22,952
Even the Springfield celebs
are here.
46
00:02:22,953 --> 00:02:25,924
I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,
47
00:02:25,925 --> 00:02:28,062
freaking Bumblebee Man is here.
48
00:02:28,063 --> 00:02:29,966
And you know who's not here?
49
00:02:29,967 --> 00:02:32,939
A bunch of
snot-nosed children. Mwah.
50
00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:33,973
Where'd you put them all?
51
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:37,949
I'm a pimple.
52
00:02:38,751 --> 00:02:41,054
I never imagined
that everyone in town
53
00:02:41,055 --> 00:02:42,858
would show up for my birthday.
54
00:02:42,859 --> 00:02:47,902
Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.
55
00:02:47,903 --> 00:02:49,137
You're a bake sale legend.
56
00:02:49,138 --> 00:02:53,078
You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
57
00:02:53,079 --> 00:02:54,849
Plus, you're always nice
to everybody,
58
00:02:54,850 --> 00:02:58,990
even the town jerks, like me
and, uh, no offense, Homer.
59
00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:00,092
Oh.
60
00:03:00,093 --> 00:03:02,732
By the pinots ingested in me,
61
00:03:02,733 --> 00:03:06,973
I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.
62
00:03:13,921 --> 00:03:17,761
Last night was like something
out of a dream.
63
00:03:17,762 --> 00:03:20,032
Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked
64
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,803
and my teeth all fell out?
65
00:03:21,804 --> 00:03:24,975
Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of balls before,
66
00:03:24,976 --> 00:03:26,780
but I was never
the belle of one.
67
00:03:26,781 --> 00:03:29,017
And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,
68
00:03:29,018 --> 00:03:31,121
now I get to clean again.
69
00:03:31,122 --> 00:03:34,127
Old sneakers, coveralls,
70
00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:36,131
industrial-grade kerchief...
71
00:03:38,236 --> 00:03:41,040
It's gone. Where is it?
Where is it?
72
00:03:41,041 --> 00:03:43,847
- Where's what?
- My box. My secret box.
73
00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:47,186
- The sex box?
- No. No, my box of letters.
74
00:03:47,187 --> 00:03:48,255
What letters?
75
00:03:48,256 --> 00:03:51,362
My secret box of hate letters.
76
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,969
But the sex box is okay?
77
00:03:54,970 --> 00:03:57,106
Okay, here it goes.
78
00:03:57,107 --> 00:03:58,843
When I was a teenager,
79
00:03:58,844 --> 00:04:02,149
I would occasionally--
and I'm not proud of this--
80
00:04:02,150 --> 00:04:04,021
get mad.
81
00:04:05,190 --> 00:04:07,059
Stupid Tim Meadows.
82
00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:09,130
Why the hell
would you leave SNL?
83
00:04:09,131 --> 00:04:11,001
You're a linchpin.
84
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:14,140
Then one day,
I came across this article
85
00:04:14,141 --> 00:04:16,846
that would change
my life forever.
86
00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:18,983
It said, when someone
makes you angry,
87
00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:21,856
write them a fiery letter
full of everything
88
00:04:21,857 --> 00:04:23,225
you wish you could say
to their face,
89
00:04:23,226 --> 00:04:26,197
then never send it, and poof,
90
00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:28,836
the bad feelings
are gone forever.
91
00:04:28,837 --> 00:04:31,976
From that day forward,
I wrote hundreds of letters,
92
00:04:31,977 --> 00:04:35,282
and you know what?
It made me a much nicer person.
93
00:04:35,283 --> 00:04:39,959
"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."
94
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,998
And every time I wrote one,
I felt much better,
95
00:04:42,999 --> 00:04:48,308
with all my bad feelings tucked
away and, therefore, gone.
96
00:04:48,309 --> 00:04:50,312
But those letters
were just for me.
97
00:04:50,313 --> 00:04:53,318
They weren't meant
to be read by anyone, ever.
98
00:04:53,319 --> 00:04:54,922
We have to find them.
99
00:04:54,923 --> 00:04:58,095
Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.
100
00:04:58,096 --> 00:04:59,330
Maybe the cleaning lady
moved them.
101
00:04:59,331 --> 00:05:01,334
I'm the cleaning lady.
102
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,305
Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.
103
00:05:04,876 --> 00:05:08,550
Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.
104
00:05:09,887 --> 00:05:11,989
Dear Marge,
we have your letters.
105
00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:15,998
If you want to see them again,
pay us $5,000.
106
00:05:15,999 --> 00:05:20,072
If not, we will show the world
what a mean bitch
107
00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:22,210
Marge Simpson really is.
108
00:05:22,211 --> 00:05:25,584
Can we say that now?
109
00:05:31,362 --> 00:05:33,098
We've got to find
that letter thief.
110
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:34,067
Okay. We've got photos
111
00:05:34,068 --> 00:05:35,804
of everyone who was
at the party last night.
112
00:05:35,805 --> 00:05:38,810
All our dearest friends
and loved ones.
113
00:05:38,811 --> 00:05:42,116
One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.
114
00:05:42,117 --> 00:05:43,987
But who?
115
00:05:44,990 --> 00:05:46,693
My money's on Jasper.
116
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,698
He's ugly, and ugly people
are prone to crime.
117
00:05:49,699 --> 00:05:52,971
I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.
118
00:05:52,972 --> 00:05:55,243
Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors
119
00:05:55,244 --> 00:05:57,815
came to show Mom
how much they love her.
120
00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:01,020
We can't just accuse people
willy-nilly.
121
00:06:01,021 --> 00:06:02,256
Willie!
122
00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:06,164
Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.
123
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:08,134
Let's go burn down his shack.
124
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:11,909
It's not Willie!
Willie can't read!
125
00:06:11,910 --> 00:06:13,846
Oh, it's hopeless.
126
00:06:13,847 --> 00:06:16,819
Everyone thinks I'm
the sweetest lady in the world,
127
00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:19,725
like Ellen when she started
her talk show.
128
00:06:19,726 --> 00:06:22,731
But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.
129
00:06:22,732 --> 00:06:24,969
Like Ellen when she ended
her talk show.
130
00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:28,041
Fear not, Marge.
I know who can help us,
131
00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:30,012
Springfield's finest.
132
00:06:30,013 --> 00:06:31,081
Sorry, can't help you.
133
00:06:31,082 --> 00:06:32,818
What? Can't you trace the call
134
00:06:32,819 --> 00:06:34,755
or descramble the voice
or something?
135
00:06:34,756 --> 00:06:38,863
I wish, but the wusses down
at the state house defunded us.
136
00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:41,234
I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.
137
00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:45,142
Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.
138
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:48,048
Our budget was increased by 33%.
139
00:06:48,049 --> 00:06:49,818
Yeah, but it's a great excuse
140
00:06:49,819 --> 00:06:52,992
for when you want to have
a lazy Saturday.
141
00:06:52,993 --> 00:06:57,100
Help. I woke up in the bathtub
with no kidneys.
142
00:06:57,101 --> 00:06:58,102
Defunded.
143
00:06:58,103 --> 00:07:01,007
Oh...
Those letters can't get out.
144
00:07:01,008 --> 00:07:04,046
We're just gonna have
to pay the ransom.
145
00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:05,784
But it's $5,000.
146
00:07:05,785 --> 00:07:08,021
Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?
147
00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:10,860
I think I know
where we can get the money,
148
00:07:10,861 --> 00:07:13,065
but you're not gonna like it.
149
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,874
Oh, I know there's
always strings attached
150
00:07:17,875 --> 00:07:21,214
with you people, but there's
no one else I can turn to.
151
00:07:21,215 --> 00:07:22,851
Fat Tony...
152
00:07:22,852 --> 00:07:26,091
is currently out of town,
so I came to you.
153
00:07:26,092 --> 00:07:29,063
So, can I borrow the money?
154
00:07:31,804 --> 00:07:35,275
No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.
155
00:07:35,276 --> 00:07:36,879
You see, Marge,
156
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,919
a woman's feelings
are a lot like her boobs.
157
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,923
Always locked away
when they're in public,
158
00:07:41,924 --> 00:07:45,029
but you got to flop 'em out
once in a while,
159
00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:47,033
or you'll go bananas.
160
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,204
Ah, at ease, men.
161
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:53,245
The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.
162
00:07:53,246 --> 00:07:55,917
What am I gonna do?
163
00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:58,255
Honey, wait.
I've seen every movie
164
00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,357
about angry, middle-aged men
165
00:07:59,358 --> 00:08:01,260
refusing to negotiate
with kidnappers.
166
00:08:01,261 --> 00:08:03,934
I know how to talk
to these people.
167
00:08:03,935 --> 00:08:06,171
Time's up, Marge.
168
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:07,941
This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,
169
00:08:07,942 --> 00:08:09,945
and you just signed
your own death warrant
170
00:08:09,946 --> 00:08:14,154
'cause I'm a retired
CIA ninja who just un-retired
171
00:08:14,155 --> 00:08:16,191
to chimp chomp your face.
172
00:08:16,192 --> 00:08:17,292
Hey. You listen here--
173
00:08:17,293 --> 00:08:19,096
No, YOU listen, butt dirt!
174
00:08:19,097 --> 00:08:21,201
We want those letters
on our doorstep
175
00:08:21,202 --> 00:08:22,971
by noon hundred hours tomorrow,
176
00:08:22,972 --> 00:08:26,946
or I'm gonna be on you like
a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.
177
00:08:26,947 --> 00:08:30,252
Aloha means "hello"
and "you're dead."
178
00:08:30,253 --> 00:08:32,190
Fixed it.
179
00:08:32,191 --> 00:08:34,261
Oh...
180
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:37,935
We haven't heard
from the letter-napper yet.
181
00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:39,871
I put the fear of God
in 'em, Marge.
182
00:08:39,872 --> 00:08:42,877
Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.
183
00:08:42,878 --> 00:08:44,881
Maybe you did
scare them straight,
184
00:08:44,882 --> 00:08:47,186
and this whole thing
is behind us.
185
00:08:47,187 --> 00:08:49,157
Um, before today's service,
186
00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:52,998
Mrs. Lovejoy would like
to make a, um, statement,
187
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,135
uh, she could not be
talked out of.
188
00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:57,172
Unless cooler heads
have prevailed?
189
00:08:59,144 --> 00:09:01,147
Take it away, dear.
190
00:09:01,148 --> 00:09:06,090
Last night, a vile, horrible
letter was left at our doorstep
191
00:09:06,091 --> 00:09:07,894
and tore my world asunder.
192
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:11,033
It reads, "'Dear'"--
and dear is in quotes-- "Helen.
193
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:14,374
"In case you haven't been
made aware, you are a...
194
00:09:14,375 --> 00:09:16,579
bitch!"
195
00:09:18,984 --> 00:09:20,452
"You're a snobby little gossip
196
00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:22,056
"who derives a vampiric pleasure
197
00:09:22,057 --> 00:09:25,028
in the misfortune
and minor foibles of others."
198
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:28,034
- Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
- Shh!
199
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:31,007
"Do me a favor and keep
your surgically upturned nose
200
00:09:31,008 --> 00:09:35,216
"out of my business. Josh Groban
would hate your guts.
201
00:09:35,217 --> 00:09:37,353
Go jump in a woodchipper."
202
00:09:37,354 --> 00:09:39,190
And it's signed by...
203
00:09:39,191 --> 00:09:44,033
Blank. The name was cut out.
204
00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:47,006
But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.
205
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:50,245
Someone who's fooled this town
for years
206
00:09:50,246 --> 00:09:53,218
with her "sweet, gentle" nature.
207
00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:54,220
Agnes Skinner.
208
00:09:54,221 --> 00:09:58,161
I would never write
such vile things.
209
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:02,036
I'd say 'em
to your discount Botox face.
210
00:10:02,037 --> 00:10:04,373
Are you gonna let her
talk to me like that?
211
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,244
Defend my honor.
212
00:10:06,245 --> 00:10:07,379
Get him, Seymour.
213
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,951
But-but-but he's a man of God.
214
00:10:09,952 --> 00:10:12,156
Shouldn't I turn
the other cheek?
215
00:10:12,157 --> 00:10:13,425
Wuss fight!
216
00:10:13,426 --> 00:10:15,262
Fight! Fight!
217
00:10:15,263 --> 00:10:16,063
Fight!
218
00:10:20,173 --> 00:10:21,107
Look at the mayhem
219
00:10:21,108 --> 00:10:23,245
that just one
of your letters can cause.
220
00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:26,318
You have 60 minutes
before I release them all
221
00:10:26,319 --> 00:10:30,259
and turn your life
into an abominable hellscape
222
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:33,064
of torment and woe.
223
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:35,970
Honey, you're missing
the wuss fight. What's going on?
224
00:10:35,971 --> 00:10:39,377
I know just who
the kidnapper is.
225
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:47,092
More crab puffs coming right up.
226
00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:50,232
Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.
227
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,105
I'm sorry I forgot to mention
it was 56 kids
228
00:10:53,106 --> 00:10:56,077
instead of the usual three.
How is it?
229
00:10:56,078 --> 00:11:00,452
Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.
230
00:11:00,453 --> 00:11:01,488
Wha...?
231
00:11:01,489 --> 00:11:04,026
Oh. I'm reading
a goth romance novel
232
00:11:04,027 --> 00:11:05,563
and some of the vocab
is sticking.
233
00:11:05,564 --> 00:11:07,366
Hmm.
234
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,236
- Ooh, crab puffs.
- Up-bup-bup.
235
00:11:09,237 --> 00:11:13,011
Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?
236
00:11:13,012 --> 00:11:16,017
But Milhouse sucked all the pigs
out of the blankets.
237
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,121
And Martin ate
all the corn off the dogs.
238
00:11:18,122 --> 00:11:21,763
Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?
239
00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:27,306
Ugh. Every time
she hires me to babysit,
240
00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:30,178
she treats me like
I freakin' work for her.
241
00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:32,149
She acts like
all I do around here
242
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,521
is watch TV
and try on her clothes.
243
00:11:34,522 --> 00:11:37,192
Uh, that is what you do.
244
00:11:37,193 --> 00:11:39,463
Yikes. How does she
pull this off
245
00:11:39,464 --> 00:11:41,167
without looking like a skank?
246
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,305
The pearls class
the whole thing up.
247
00:11:43,306 --> 00:11:46,144
Psh. Everyone thinks
she's such a saint.
248
00:11:46,145 --> 00:11:49,117
Meanwhile, she's starving
the one babysitter
249
00:11:49,118 --> 00:11:51,487
that's watching, like,
every kid in town.
250
00:11:51,488 --> 00:11:53,491
Where are those kids, anyway?
251
00:11:53,492 --> 00:11:55,496
Up your butt. I don't know.
252
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:01,073
Holy crab.
253
00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:05,216
Oh, man. This angry
MILF hates everyone in town.
254
00:12:05,217 --> 00:12:07,353
I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,
255
00:12:07,354 --> 00:12:09,357
pot or grandma ashes,
256
00:12:09,358 --> 00:12:10,325
but this is even better.
257
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:13,198
I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom
would pay anything
258
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:15,469
to keep people
from reading these letters.
259
00:12:15,470 --> 00:12:18,207
Even $5,000.
260
00:12:18,208 --> 00:12:21,415
With that kind of money,
we could start over.
261
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:23,418
Live a whole new life.
262
00:12:23,419 --> 00:12:25,523
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
263
00:12:25,524 --> 00:12:27,426
♪ We should stick together ♪
264
00:12:27,427 --> 00:12:28,529
♪ I know ♪
265
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,665
♪ I said I'd never ♪
266
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,537
♪ Think I wasn't better alone ♪
267
00:12:32,538 --> 00:12:34,207
♪ Can't change the weather ♪
268
00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,579
♪ Might not be forever ♪
269
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:39,316
♪ But if it's forever.
270
00:12:39,317 --> 00:12:40,185
Hmm?
271
00:12:40,186 --> 00:12:41,655
Marge Simpson's gonna
rue the day
272
00:12:41,656 --> 00:12:43,391
she ever messed with me.
273
00:12:43,392 --> 00:12:47,768
Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.
274
00:12:53,179 --> 00:12:55,048
...an abominable hellscape
275
00:12:55,049 --> 00:12:56,952
of torment and woe!
276
00:12:56,953 --> 00:13:00,961
Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.
277
00:13:00,962 --> 00:13:04,000
So, she and the raccoon
are working together.
278
00:13:04,001 --> 00:13:06,772
They probably stole our garbage,
too. So what's the plan?
279
00:13:06,773 --> 00:13:10,212
I know that, on Sundays, Shauna
volunteers at the senior home
280
00:13:10,213 --> 00:13:14,120
to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time
281
00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:17,125
to break into her house
and get those letters back.
282
00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:18,997
You want to break
into her house?
283
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:22,269
What would Marge say?
You're Marge.
284
00:13:22,270 --> 00:13:23,371
Damn it.
285
00:13:23,372 --> 00:13:26,110
Superintendent Chalmers
is home.
286
00:13:26,111 --> 00:13:29,283
We're gonna have to improvise.
287
00:13:30,988 --> 00:13:33,125
Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
288
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:36,164
To what do I owe
the unannounced weekend visit?
289
00:13:36,165 --> 00:13:39,036
Um... I'm writing an article
290
00:13:39,037 --> 00:13:42,343
for the PTA newsletter
about you.
291
00:13:42,344 --> 00:13:43,178
Me?
292
00:13:43,179 --> 00:13:46,150
Yes. An interview, really.
Long form.
293
00:13:46,151 --> 00:13:50,025
"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."
294
00:13:50,026 --> 00:13:53,332
Not "incompetence."
"In competence."
295
00:13:54,368 --> 00:13:56,170
'Cause you're great.
296
00:13:56,171 --> 00:14:01,014
Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,
297
00:14:01,015 --> 00:14:03,117
single-sided newsletter
298
00:14:03,118 --> 00:14:06,157
even did long-form interviews,
299
00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:08,128
but how nice. Come on in.
300
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:11,267
Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?
301
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:15,075
Uh, no. No, I have
a photographic memory.
302
00:14:15,076 --> 00:14:17,246
For auditory speech?
303
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,482
Yes.
304
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,185
I think he's buying it.
305
00:14:20,186 --> 00:14:22,055
I'm not buying it.
306
00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:24,427
But why make up
such an absurd story?
307
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,164
Oh, dear God,
308
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,502
Marge Simpson
is coming on to me.
309
00:14:28,503 --> 00:14:31,374
So, how did you become so...
310
00:14:31,375 --> 00:14:33,879
super at... intending?
311
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,085
Well, I can't say the thought
hasn't crossed my mind.
312
00:14:37,086 --> 00:14:39,289
No, Gary. Not with
another school parent.
313
00:14:39,290 --> 00:14:42,229
The Van Houten woman
is still blowing up your phone.
314
00:14:42,230 --> 00:14:45,168
I have to put an end
to this right now.
315
00:14:45,169 --> 00:14:47,072
Look, I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Simpson,
316
00:14:47,073 --> 00:14:49,343
but I'm gonna have to ask you...
317
00:14:49,344 --> 00:14:53,118
if you would like
some plum wine.
318
00:14:53,119 --> 00:14:56,257
Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.
319
00:14:56,258 --> 00:14:59,363
Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt
320
00:14:59,364 --> 00:15:01,267
of a band they know
nothing about.
321
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:04,073
I bet she can't name
one song by...
322
00:15:04,074 --> 00:15:05,577
Planned Parenthood.
323
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:08,448
Got it.
324
00:15:11,322 --> 00:15:14,460
Oh, if there's a lovelier music
than samba,
325
00:15:14,461 --> 00:15:16,197
I don't want to hear it.
326
00:15:16,198 --> 00:15:19,103
Have you ever been to
Brazil?
327
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:21,140
Very liberated country.
328
00:15:21,141 --> 00:15:23,211
You don't say.
329
00:15:23,212 --> 00:15:25,583
Que diabos! What was that?
330
00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,352
Just the house settling, I bet.
331
00:15:27,353 --> 00:15:31,360
With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.
332
00:15:35,671 --> 00:15:38,275
Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.
333
00:15:38,276 --> 00:15:40,245
Thanks again for your time.
334
00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:43,117
But-but I-I...
335
00:15:43,118 --> 00:15:45,557
It's probably
for the best.
336
00:15:50,568 --> 00:15:52,236
We did it!
337
00:15:52,237 --> 00:15:56,344
Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.
338
00:15:56,345 --> 00:15:57,146
What the...?
339
00:15:57,147 --> 00:15:59,449
Goth romance novels?
340
00:16:00,286 --> 00:16:02,389
She took the letters out.
341
00:16:04,461 --> 00:16:06,264
Oh, it's hopeless.
342
00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:09,270
Shauna's probably spreading them
all over town by now.
343
00:16:09,271 --> 00:16:13,277
Everyone's gonna know what
a terrible person I am inside.
344
00:16:15,617 --> 00:16:17,587
What the...?
345
00:16:17,588 --> 00:16:19,456
My letters.
346
00:16:19,457 --> 00:16:21,596
Step on it, Jimbo.
347
00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:31,381
Marge, what are you-- Ah!
348
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:45,376
Give me back my letters.
349
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:51,656
Go get her, Marge.
I've got this punk.
350
00:16:54,194 --> 00:16:55,663
I don't got this punk.
351
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:10,225
Stop right there.
352
00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:12,229
Come any closer,
and I'll, like-like,
353
00:17:12,230 --> 00:17:13,566
drop 'em or whatever.
354
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:15,235
Why'd you do it, Shauna?
355
00:17:15,236 --> 00:17:17,472
Was all this over
a stupid crab puff?
356
00:17:17,473 --> 00:17:21,246
No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.
357
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:24,387
You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.
358
00:17:24,388 --> 00:17:27,258
And then I read the letter
you wrote to me.
359
00:17:27,259 --> 00:17:29,496
Oh, Shauna.
I never meant for you--
360
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:32,268
You called me
a "hormonal little snot
361
00:17:32,269 --> 00:17:34,373
with more piercings
than brains."
362
00:17:34,374 --> 00:17:37,345
And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?
363
00:17:37,346 --> 00:17:39,718
I am nice.
I just write these letters
364
00:17:39,719 --> 00:17:41,387
when I'm filled with anger.
365
00:17:41,388 --> 00:17:44,527
And then, afterwards,
I'm over it. I swear.
366
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:47,399
There's, like,
30-year-old letters in here.
367
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,704
If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?
368
00:17:49,705 --> 00:17:52,276
Because...
369
00:17:52,277 --> 00:17:54,279
...it brings me peace.
370
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,415
Give me my letters.
371
00:17:55,416 --> 00:17:57,721
Shauna!
372
00:18:00,627 --> 00:18:01,628
Don't let me die.
373
00:18:01,629 --> 00:18:04,433
I want to live to be
old and fat like you.
374
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:07,473
I can save you both.
375
00:18:07,474 --> 00:18:08,509
No!
376
00:18:09,411 --> 00:18:11,615
I got you, Shauna.
377
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:16,591
Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.
378
00:18:16,592 --> 00:18:19,330
I know, sweetie.
379
00:18:19,331 --> 00:18:21,467
Well, they're all out there now.
380
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:24,708
All my unspoken grievances
and resentments
381
00:18:24,709 --> 00:18:26,377
for the world to read.
382
00:18:26,378 --> 00:18:28,716
Hey, look.
A letter from Marge Simpson,
383
00:18:28,717 --> 00:18:30,419
addressed directly to me.
384
00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:33,424
"Dear Chief,
you give fat, do-nothing,
385
00:18:33,425 --> 00:18:36,397
donut-eating cops a bad name."
386
00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,468
"A soulless dead-eyed
creepazoid."
387
00:18:38,469 --> 00:18:41,407
"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."
388
00:18:41,408 --> 00:18:44,413
"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."
389
00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:48,488
"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."
390
00:18:48,489 --> 00:18:51,327
"A smoking hot comedic linchpin
391
00:18:51,328 --> 00:18:53,565
who should've
never left Studio 8H."
392
00:18:55,336 --> 00:18:58,408
There's the hateful epistolist
who called me
393
00:18:58,409 --> 00:19:02,751
"an operatic blowhard."
394
00:19:07,327 --> 00:19:10,465
Hi, everyone.
I just want to apologize.
395
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:12,469
Not for having
negative feelings,
396
00:19:12,470 --> 00:19:15,509
but for keeping them to myself
all these years.
397
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:17,714
Even though I smiled
in your face,
398
00:19:17,715 --> 00:19:19,517
I was secretly furious.
399
00:19:19,518 --> 00:19:22,690
And that wasn't fair
to you or to me.
400
00:19:22,691 --> 00:19:25,362
So do you hate us all?
401
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,368
No. No, I love the people
of this town.
402
00:19:28,369 --> 00:19:29,771
Even when we butt heads.
403
00:19:29,772 --> 00:19:32,543
Butt heads.
404
00:19:32,544 --> 00:19:33,746
Aw.
405
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:36,785
But I'd rather you all
think of me as an honest person
406
00:19:36,786 --> 00:19:39,489
with real, complex emotions,
407
00:19:39,490 --> 00:19:42,697
and not someone who's just nice.
408
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:43,532
Thank you.
409
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:45,503
Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.
410
00:19:45,504 --> 00:19:48,676
The most three-dimensional
woman in town.
411
00:19:54,622 --> 00:19:55,823
Helen, hi.
412
00:19:55,824 --> 00:19:59,396
Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,
413
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:01,400
and I just wanted to say...
414
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:05,375
I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.
415
00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:08,549
Oh. Why, thank you.
Apology accept--
416
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:11,522
As someone so well off
and closer to God,
417
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:15,729
it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.
418
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,399
But that ends now.
419
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,869
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
420
00:20:18,870 --> 00:20:21,407
Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.
421
00:20:21,408 --> 00:20:23,746
Honest and boorishly uncouth.
422
00:20:23,747 --> 00:20:24,681
Right.
423
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,552
Anyway, I'm off
to the good hairdresser.
424
00:20:26,553 --> 00:20:30,693
Oh, not the one you're thinking
of, this one's better. Toodles.
425
00:20:30,694 --> 00:20:33,733
Oh, wait, wait.
O-One more thing, Helen.
426
00:20:33,734 --> 00:20:34,901
Yes?
427
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:37,841
Kiss my ass!
428
00:20:39,678 --> 00:20:41,881
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
429
00:20:41,882 --> 00:20:43,752
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
430
00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:45,422
and TOYOTA.
431
00:20:45,423 --> 00:20:46,892
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
432
00:20:52,403 --> 00:20:54,708
"Dear Marge,
where the hell do you get off?
433
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:57,179
"My career choices
are nobody's business
434
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,315
"but mine
and maybe my manager's.
435
00:20:58,316 --> 00:20:59,584
"The next time
you want to tell me
436
00:20:59,585 --> 00:21:02,188
"what other 'bone-headed
mistakes' I've made,
437
00:21:02,189 --> 00:21:03,358
"I hope you'll do me a favor
438
00:21:03,359 --> 00:21:05,361
"and go jump in a wood chipper.
439
00:21:05,362 --> 00:21:09,303
Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."
440
00:21:09,304 --> 00:21:11,542
Wow. That does feel good.
441
00:21:13,078 --> 00:21:16,450
"Dear Lorne Michaels,
where the hell do you get off?"
442
00:21:16,451 --> 00:21:22,196
"Dear TGI Fridays,
where the hell do you get off?"
443
00:21:22,998 --> 00:21:26,304
"Dear Sunglass Hut,
where the hell do you get off?"
444
00:21:27,106 --> 00:21:30,680
"Dear Quiznos,
where the hell do you get off?"
445
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:32,249
Shh!
446
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,686
Where the hell do you get off?
33210
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romansh
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swedish
Tajik
Tatar
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof