Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,130 --> 00:00:05,585
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:05,586 --> 00:00:06,719
Neither of you were here
3
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,300
for the Pickle Wiggle fiasco of 1993.
4
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:11,302
Picture that thing, but vibrating
5
00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:13,039
at the bottom of a cereal box.
6
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:14,681
I wanna see a place that
makes Mom so happy,
7
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:15,973
she'd choose that over us.
8
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,219
The show is a trap.
9
00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:18,933
You are a terrible father!
10
00:00:18,934 --> 00:00:20,359
Would you please say something,
11
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,479
anything, please?
12
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,605
Murderer!
13
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:24,649
You killed the magic!
14
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:27,300
Murderer! Murderer!
15
00:00:30,573 --> 00:00:32,989
Breakfast is so boring!
16
00:00:32,990 --> 00:00:35,577
- Think again, kids.
- Fortissimo!
17
00:00:35,578 --> 00:00:37,629
Maestro Pimento Fermata!
18
00:00:37,630 --> 00:00:39,169
What are you doing here?
19
00:00:39,170 --> 00:00:41,580
Who is ready for some
breakfast-a música?
20
00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:46,129
Wow! Awesome!
21
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:48,819
Allora... now you can
be like the maestro
22
00:00:48,820 --> 00:00:50,079
and start your own choir
23
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,635
by collecting all four Pickle Wigglers.
24
00:00:57,017 --> 00:00:59,299
And even more good news!
25
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:02,061
Best-O's is molto healthy for your body.
26
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,519
Mom, there's no added sugar!
27
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,519
- Oh?
- Mom, there's no artificial colors!
28
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,862
- Oh?
- Mom, there's no artificial flavors!
29
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:13,039
Oh? Best-O's Cereal.
30
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,739
The cereal that makes you go...
31
00:01:14,740 --> 00:01:16,480
oh!
32
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:26,039
'Scuse me.
33
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:27,712
Clean up, aisle seven.
34
00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,678
What the fuck do they put in this shit?
35
00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:39,999
Mom, there's no toy in the box!
36
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,019
Ohh... oh!
37
00:01:42,020 --> 00:01:44,562
Ohh...
38
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:52,749
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
39
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,239
Dad, don't hang up.
40
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,539
I'm eating oatmeal. Stop calling.
41
00:02:04,540 --> 00:02:06,799
I haven't seen him
since the Philippines.
42
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,587
I don't care. He's an adult.
He'll come home.
43
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,722
_
44
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,959
- Ohh... ah...
- Mom?
45
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:34,169
Mom, I'm hungry.
46
00:02:34,170 --> 00:02:35,919
Oh, Jesus...
47
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,579
Where'd it go?
48
00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:39,990
Where did it go? Where did it go?
49
00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:43,246
Ooh...
50
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,209
Why are you walking like that?
51
00:02:45,210 --> 00:02:48,399
Because this is how
stressed-out people walk
52
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,540
when their brothers go AWOL!
53
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:51,796
Oh.
54
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:53,549
What do I tell the Smithsonian
55
00:02:53,550 --> 00:02:54,633
if he doesn't show up?
56
00:02:54,634 --> 00:02:55,799
He'll be there.
57
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:56,810
He's not going to miss
58
00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,779
his own lifetime achievement award.
59
00:02:58,780 --> 00:03:00,629
This is stale.
60
00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:04,059
I've already lost
twenty-four Mr. Pickleses.
61
00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:05,469
I can't lose 25.
62
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,760
Jeff lost his entire pickle family.
63
00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,439
He's due some time on his own.
64
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,760
Maybe he finally...
65
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:11,879
Maddy.
66
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,379
That is insanely inappropriate.
67
00:03:14,380 --> 00:03:16,779
- Go play with your axe.
- It's sleeping.
68
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:19,031
You don't think this
is my fault, do you?
69
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,439
Right, because everything's my fault,
70
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,699
always my fault... just say it.
71
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:28,099
You regret putting me
in charge, don't you?
72
00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:29,780
Just say it!
73
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:32,999
Say it!
74
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,506
Do you wish you only had one child?
75
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,049
Tell me, honestly, right now.
76
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,888
I wanna hear it. It's open season.
77
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:48,102
You are... unbelievable.
78
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:50,289
Maddy, get in the car.
79
00:03:50,290 --> 00:03:52,299
I wanna stay with Grandpa.
80
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,310
Fine!
81
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,620
Forget it.
82
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,399
Were you trying to talk just now,
83
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,819
but your brain wouldn't let you?
84
00:04:04,820 --> 00:04:07,955
We need to go see a doctor right now.
85
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,540
Hey! Where's Jeff?
86
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,053
What happens if he doesn't show up?
87
00:04:24,054 --> 00:04:25,766
Have you thought about that?
88
00:04:40,820 --> 00:04:44,039
Are you kidding?
You know what Kennedy'll do?
89
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,460
He'll take this glad-ass
economy we're swimming in
90
00:04:47,470 --> 00:04:49,219
and burn it to shit
91
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:52,840
with all those damn freebie
programs he's yawing about.
92
00:04:52,850 --> 00:04:54,629
At least he's got what it takes
93
00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:57,099
to stand up to Khrushchev and the Reds.
94
00:04:57,100 --> 00:04:58,209
Are you telling jokes?
95
00:04:58,210 --> 00:05:01,169
Nixon'll take a bite
into Khrushchev's thigh
96
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:04,519
and hold onto it forever
like a Doberman Pincher!
97
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,459
It's a Pinscher, not a Pincher.
98
00:05:06,460 --> 00:05:08,579
- It's Pincher.
- Pinscher.
99
00:05:08,580 --> 00:05:10,839
Larry, settle an argument.
100
00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,099
Gladys.
101
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:15,219
What'd I tell you about
opening the fridge?
102
00:05:15,220 --> 00:05:17,959
Stay in front of the bar.
103
00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:23,209
Kennedy's a bootlegger...
but I like a bootlegger.
104
00:05:23,210 --> 00:05:25,491
Better than that war hawk Dick Nixon.
105
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,949
Larry served.
106
00:05:26,950 --> 00:05:28,940
I was a sniper in Korea.
107
00:05:28,950 --> 00:05:30,979
Took out a lotta bad guys. No big deal.
108
00:05:30,980 --> 00:05:33,759
Sure, Nixon's a bullet pusher,
109
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,789
but he's a family man too.
110
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:38,169
You got kids, Larry?
111
00:05:38,170 --> 00:05:40,289
Phil, Will, Bill, Gil, Til, and Dill...
112
00:05:40,290 --> 00:05:41,299
all boys.
113
00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:43,133
Larry with the strong semen!
114
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,339
Oh, yeah,
115
00:05:44,340 --> 00:05:46,499
and they're all gonna vote Nixon, Larry!
116
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:47,597
Aw, come on!
117
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,765
Larry, I'm still waitin'
on that Sidecar.
118
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,749
Sorry, Babs.
119
00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:53,143
Next one's on the house.
120
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:54,519
You're a prince, Larry.
121
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,099
Ha. Tell ya what.
122
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:57,648
Next one's on the house for everybody.
123
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,459
- Oh!
- Oh!
124
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,399
- Hey, Larry!
- Larry! Larry!
125
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,139
Larry, Larry!
126
00:06:05,140 --> 00:06:07,659
- Larry, Larry!
- I need a quick refill.
127
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,952
Larry, Larry...
128
00:06:11,340 --> 00:06:13,359
They're dry as a bone out there.
129
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,999
Good. Ha.
130
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,740
Let's keep it that way.
131
00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:25,880
_
132
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,263
_
133
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,019
You good, man?
134
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,340
Uh...
135
00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:39,191
I should get going.
136
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,779
Do you wanna be buried, cremated,
137
00:06:43,780 --> 00:06:45,480
- or drowned?
- What?
138
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,599
Did you see that woman?
139
00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:54,079
- What woman?
- It's the strangest thing.
140
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,829
She looked exactly like
my ex-wife... exactly.
141
00:06:57,830 --> 00:06:59,159
I thought you hated her.
142
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:00,919
I do.
143
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,797
I also love her.
144
00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:04,629
I get it. I really get it.
145
00:07:04,630 --> 00:07:05,899
Wait here.
146
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:07,843
Sebastian.
147
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,387
Sorry to keep you waiting.
148
00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:13,089
I had a momentary inability to speak.
149
00:07:13,090 --> 00:07:15,429
But everything feels tip-top now.
150
00:07:15,430 --> 00:07:16,499
I'm afraid your blood work
151
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,480
tells a complicated
story of love and loss.
152
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:20,982
- It does?
- It does what?
153
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,109
I'm sorry. What did you say?
154
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,860
I said you've had a minor stroke.
155
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,729
Oh, well, well, that's what I thought.
156
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,366
And you're at risk for a major one.
157
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,629
- Should she be here?
- She's my nurse.
158
00:07:33,630 --> 00:07:35,819
Maddy, do you wanna leave?
159
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:37,919
- No.
- All right.
160
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,543
Your red blood cell count... it's high.
161
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,749
It's like California and earthquakes.
162
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:45,139
The Big One could come tomorrow.
163
00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:47,169
Could be a week, a month.
164
00:07:47,170 --> 00:07:49,094
- A year?
- I didn't say a year.
165
00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,550
Your heart sounds scared.
166
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:01,669
Hey, let's just keep this
our little secret, okay?
167
00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:03,670
Pinky promise.
168
00:08:03,690 --> 00:08:05,249
Pinky promise.
169
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:07,840
Is there a cure for dementia,
170
00:08:07,850 --> 00:08:10,289
Alzheimer's? No.
171
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,459
But can we treat it? Yes.
172
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,629
With quality memory care.
173
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:19,739
Inside of these walls,
it is 1960 all day,
174
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:21,459
every day.
175
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,639
Mickey Mantle bats for the Yankees
176
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,399
and Eisenhower sits in the Oval.
177
00:08:28,820 --> 00:08:31,599
Nostalgia therapy
comforts the fragile mind
178
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,519
from... from outbursts...
179
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,459
Could you excuse me for one second?
180
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,090
- Sure.
- Thank you.
181
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,900
_
182
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:56,940
What's up, man?
183
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,252
- Can I stay a little longer?
- You're Jeff Pickles.
184
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,254
You can stay as long as you want.
185
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,249
That's not true, Cornell.
186
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:11,379
No, no, I really don't mind.
187
00:09:11,380 --> 00:09:12,460
You should know by now
188
00:09:12,470 --> 00:09:14,579
that visiting hours don't apply to you.
189
00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:17,589
No, I mean you said
I'm Jeff Pickles, but...
190
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:20,140
he isn't born for another eight years.
191
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,479
Have I shown you the bus stop?
192
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,899
It's new since your last visit.
193
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,409
Solved a big problem for us...
194
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,499
what to do when a
patient wants to leave.
195
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,629
So now when they get that itch to go,
196
00:09:43,630 --> 00:09:46,418
an aide comes and brings
them to the bus stop,
197
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,979
and they wait until they forget
198
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,100
why they wanted to leave
in the first place.
199
00:09:53,710 --> 00:09:56,846
And they just go right back inside.
200
00:09:59,220 --> 00:10:01,629
But don't you feel like you're lying
201
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:03,959
to the elderly and demented?
202
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,599
A lie is for you.
203
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,079
This is for them.
204
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:12,139
We call it compassionate deception.
205
00:10:12,140 --> 00:10:14,039
But the bus will never come
206
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,749
and she'll never get to leave.
207
00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:18,629
And Larry'll never get
to vote for Nixon.
208
00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:20,287
But he can make a mean mocktail.
209
00:10:20,288 --> 00:10:22,760
Most of the people who want to leave
210
00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:25,839
are trying to go somewhere
that doesn't exist anymore.
211
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,209
Do we tell them the spouse
they wanna get to
212
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:30,462
died 30 years ago
213
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,133
or that their childhood
home is now a Walmart?
214
00:10:33,134 --> 00:10:35,840
- Reality is the disease.
- Mm-hmm.
215
00:10:35,850 --> 00:10:38,730
The fantasy is the pill.
216
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,979
So...
217
00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:43,559
it's not a lie if it heals.
218
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,499
Exactly.
219
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:47,772
Dad?
220
00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:51,640
Could you help me get ready?
221
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:54,129
Sure, son.
222
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,139
Since first meeting him
223
00:11:12,140 --> 00:11:14,673
as an OSU sophomore,
224
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,169
I knew Jeff Pickles would go on
225
00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:21,959
to touch countless lives
226
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,219
around the world.
227
00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:27,239
In that spirit, let us
take a moment of silence
228
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:30,309
to honor Filipino Mr. Pickles
229
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:34,444
who was brutally murdered
by his own government.
230
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:49,439
We've been having some trouble
231
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:51,759
selling that sad, empty house next door,
232
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:56,089
but I think if we combine the two lots,
233
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:59,559
yours and his, some happy person
234
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:02,972
could build a spectacular
Monterey Colonial.
235
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:05,299
Wait, what... I would sell too?
236
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:08,139
It's time. Don't you agree?
237
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,478
Change!
238
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,309
What's a Monterey Colonial?
239
00:12:12,950 --> 00:12:14,669
Ugh.
240
00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:17,129
Hold on.
241
00:12:17,130 --> 00:12:18,487
Hello?
242
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,239
Can you come to where I am right now?
243
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,589
I'm not going to that awards thing.
244
00:12:21,590 --> 00:12:22,909
Neither is Will. Stop asking.
245
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,319
Deirdre?
246
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,579
What?
247
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,409
- You called me.
- Yes.
248
00:12:29,410 --> 00:12:30,879
Did you hear what I said?
249
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,959
I need immediate medical attention.
250
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:33,999
Go to a hospital.
251
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,381
It's a personal situation.
Can you come here?
252
00:12:36,382 --> 00:12:39,199
Your family's not, you know, I'm not...
253
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,759
We're not related anymore.
254
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,094
I'm your son's aunt!
255
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,419
- Which makes us...
- Sisters!
256
00:12:44,420 --> 00:12:47,516
What is wrong with you?
Currently, I mean, medically.
257
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:49,299
I really don't want the
federal government
258
00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:50,699
listening in on this one.
259
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:51,739
Well, I'm just in the middle...
260
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,897
Can you please come down here?
261
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,919
After church, can we go fishing?
262
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:59,749
A day on the lake? I love lakes.
263
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,749
That's a great idea.
264
00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:05,539
Bobby Ledbetter said he caught
a 5-pounder the other day.
265
00:13:05,540 --> 00:13:07,249
- Ooh...
- But I don't believe him.
266
00:13:07,250 --> 00:13:09,560
Well, it's better to believe
someone who's lying
267
00:13:09,570 --> 00:13:11,799
than to doubt someone
who's telling the truth.
268
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,159
Thanks, Dad.
269
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,000
You know, you're a good dad.
270
00:13:18,290 --> 00:13:21,925
So then you take that big long one,
271
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,219
and then you're done.
272
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:25,929
You think you can do that next time?
273
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,840
I might have to ask
you to show me again.
274
00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:31,690
Well, I'll be here.
275
00:13:33,710 --> 00:13:35,939
Who the fuck are you?
276
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,729
And two, and three...
277
00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:44,299
It was the wedding of our
dreams, wasn't it, Leonard?
278
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:46,379
Your vows brought me to my knees.
279
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:48,460
The scent of fresh lilies.
280
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:51,419
The sunlight splashed across your face.
281
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:53,379
It was perfect, wasn't it?
282
00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:55,259
I was so worried about the salmon,
283
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:57,060
but it was everybody's favorite.
284
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,279
Even Aunt Beth went back for seconds.
285
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,919
And you know how she can be.
286
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,420
Who's Beth?
287
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:07,089
Do you love me?
288
00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:10,039
I love you to the moon, Leonard.
289
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:12,419
I love you to the moon...
290
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:13,979
wife.
291
00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:16,169
Spin!
292
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:20,479
You're so lucky to do this every day.
293
00:14:22,140 --> 00:14:23,760
Oh...
294
00:14:23,770 --> 00:14:27,459
now dip me like one
of your French women.
295
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:32,980
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
296
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,339
♪ Only in my dreams ♪
297
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,588
Hi, Mom.
298
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,100
You're confused. I'm Louise.
299
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:48,249
Hi, Louise.
300
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:50,310
I'm your son.
301
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,539
No.
302
00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:55,299
No.
303
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,380
I don't think so.
304
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,399
So where ya headed, Louise?
305
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,289
A place that makes me happy.
306
00:15:04,290 --> 00:15:05,488
Niagara Falls?
307
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,450
How did you know?
308
00:15:09,451 --> 00:15:10,868
Just a guess.
309
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,954
My sister lives there.
310
00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,459
I wish I could go with you.
311
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,380
No, I'm going alone.
312
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,699
Cock fucker!
313
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:28,089
Son of a fuck!
314
00:15:28,090 --> 00:15:31,059
I can't wait to get out
315
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,599
- of this fucking family!
- Please hurry.
316
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,640
Every time it sings, it goes up further.
317
00:15:35,650 --> 00:15:36,659
Oh... ooh...
318
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:38,688
You wouldn't have had this
problem with the alto.
319
00:15:38,689 --> 00:15:40,940
How was Hershey Park?
320
00:15:40,950 --> 00:15:42,999
Scott and I went there once, but...
321
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,861
he thought the room was haunted.
322
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:47,029
Hershey Park is an adolescent nightmare.
323
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,519
It's not even ironically enjoyable.
324
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,699
Just because you appreciate chocolate
325
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,848
doesn't mean you appreciate
a chocolate roller coaster.
326
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,871
But filter "I love chocolate"
through a man's brain,
327
00:15:54,872 --> 00:15:56,979
and... whatever, doesn't matter.
328
00:15:56,980 --> 00:15:59,040
I don't matter. Nothing matters
329
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:02,752
except for the plumbing of my
ex-husband's sister's vagina.
330
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,619
- Did something happen?
- Jesus, did this thing take the subway?
331
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:07,619
You're not wearing your ring.
332
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:11,859
- I really need to concentrate.
- Will said Peter was proposing.
333
00:16:11,860 --> 00:16:13,099
Oh, really? He said this
334
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,399
on the plane ride back
from being kidnapped
335
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,891
- to the Philippines?
- No.
336
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,893
On the chopper,
leaving the fishing vessel.
337
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,349
I told Peter I needed time to think.
338
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:22,679
- You told him no?
- I said I need time
339
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,233
because I need time.
340
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,985
Because you still love Jeff.
341
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,379
I definitely have zero
feelings for that man...
342
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,959
- zero!
- Are you two okay in there?
343
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,156
- Yeah, we're good.
- We're just fine.
344
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,699
Thank you.
345
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:34,440
Here, do this for me.
346
00:16:38,090 --> 00:16:41,379
Hey, that's the woman, her.
347
00:16:41,380 --> 00:16:43,127
That's Grandma.
348
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:46,179
Are you sure that's Grandma?
349
00:16:46,180 --> 00:16:48,540
Ah, you never forget your first wife.
350
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:51,510
That's not really Grandma.
351
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,721
No, but she's a dead ringer.
352
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:56,889
Go over and say something.
353
00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,640
- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.
354
00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:02,200
- I wouldn't know what to say.
- Go, or I'll kill myself.
355
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:13,740
Excuse me.
356
00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:17,821
- Yes?
- I'm sorry, but...
357
00:17:17,822 --> 00:17:21,081
you look exactly like my ex-wife.
358
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,833
That's a terrible line.
359
00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:25,709
Oh, my name is Sebastiano.
360
00:17:25,710 --> 00:17:27,579
Most everybody calls me Seb.
361
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,999
And I wonder, um...
362
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,249
would you have a meal with me?
363
00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:36,303
I'm busy at the moment,
but you knew that already.
364
00:17:36,304 --> 00:17:38,239
You should eat after you do these things
365
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,509
or you'll pass out.
366
00:17:39,510 --> 00:17:40,560
I have plans.
367
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,600
I understand.
368
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,441
Sebastiano.
369
00:17:47,472 --> 00:17:48,734
Yes.
370
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,819
Give me a reason to cancel my plans.
371
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:54,199
I'll give you one tonight.
372
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,825
And another tomorrow morning.
373
00:18:08,740 --> 00:18:11,169
Your tux reminds me of a
dream I had last night.
374
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:12,839
Oh, God. Ha.
375
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,209
There's nothing more annoying
376
00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:15,879
than hearing about someone's dreams.
377
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,159
That's not true.
378
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:19,299
Nobody hated Martin Luther King.
379
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,049
Well, somebody did.
380
00:18:21,050 --> 00:18:22,419
Oh!
381
00:18:22,420 --> 00:18:24,439
You can't make that joke.
382
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,729
Fuck you!
383
00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,720
Are you sure we've never met?
384
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,959
Excuse me for a moment.
385
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,324
Wait a minute... there's
something I wanna tell you.
386
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:41,139
You should know that
I had a small stroke today,
387
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,820
but I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
388
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:46,910
Glad to hear it.
389
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:29,626
What?
390
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,999
Have you ever felt that
391
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,539
life is sometimes suddenly...
392
00:19:36,540 --> 00:19:38,079
so magical?
393
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,169
Yes.
394
00:19:40,170 --> 00:19:43,799
But when you say it, it sounds stupid.
395
00:19:53,340 --> 00:19:54,680
Mmm.
396
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,825
What's beating you up, little boy?
397
00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:05,390
Guess I just don't wanna be me.
398
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,499
What's the me you wanna be?
399
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,769
Someone whose wife isn't remarrying
400
00:20:11,770 --> 00:20:14,359
an anesthesiologist.
401
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,760
Someone whose...
402
00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:20,350
son... is still talking to him.
403
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:27,310
Someone who can cope...
ha... with his feelings.
404
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:33,079
You can feel anything at all.
405
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,640
Anything at all, you can feel it.
406
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,990
Thanks.
407
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,489
That's good advice.
408
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,999
It's not advice.
409
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,412
I read that on the back
of a prophylactic.
410
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:47,860
Oh.
411
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:53,290
There's a way out, if you wanna hear it.
412
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:57,249
See, I've got a bastard of a husband
413
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,966
and two kids I can't stand.
414
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:03,049
- You love your kids.
- They're paperweights.
415
00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:04,960
Adorable, funny...
416
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,279
paperweights.
417
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:09,840
But the good news is
you can always escape.
418
00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:12,929
You can?
419
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:14,160
- Sure.
- Oh.
420
00:21:14,170 --> 00:21:15,589
It's easy.
421
00:21:15,590 --> 00:21:19,100
Failure doesn't have to follow you.
422
00:21:19,110 --> 00:21:21,249
I'm escaping to Niagara Falls
423
00:21:21,250 --> 00:21:23,365
to where my sister lives.
424
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,209
You want out?
425
00:21:26,210 --> 00:21:30,249
You just have to get on the bus.
426
00:21:30,250 --> 00:21:34,109
And the bus... always shows up.
427
00:21:48,860 --> 00:21:51,894
I'm sorry. I have... to go home.
428
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:06,319
As a monotheist, I always believed
429
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,540
there was one creator.
430
00:22:08,550 --> 00:22:11,079
Until I met our next speaker.
431
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,080
Please welcome the alchemist
432
00:22:14,090 --> 00:22:16,749
who creates all those
wonderful creatures
433
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:20,730
on Puppet Time, Deirdre Piccirillo.
434
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:25,129
Deirdre?
435
00:22:25,130 --> 00:22:26,595
Is she here?
436
00:22:26,596 --> 00:22:27,929
Go to the E.R.
437
00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,239
You know whose fault this is?
438
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,460
Duterte.
439
00:22:30,470 --> 00:22:32,976
He turned the Philippines
into a police state.
440
00:22:32,977 --> 00:22:35,771
He has oppressed his
people for too long.
441
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:38,679
You can't just heave
a man off a building
442
00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:40,519
for singing about divorce!
443
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,194
The problem is men.
444
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,419
That's the common thread here.
445
00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:49,719
Scott... a man... steals
my furniture, my puppets,
446
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,161
ends my marriage?
447
00:22:51,162 --> 00:22:53,119
- Sure.
- Thank you!
448
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:56,599
And Dad... it's like,
why are you trusting me?
449
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,499
Me? You can't trust me!
450
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,375
For the past 30 years,
451
00:23:00,376 --> 00:23:02,320
all I'm doing is making puppets.
452
00:23:02,330 --> 00:23:05,339
And now I'm in charge.
That's great planning, Dad.
453
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:07,385
That's on you, Pop.
454
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,762
Anyone else on your list?
455
00:23:08,763 --> 00:23:11,589
Yeah! Who doesn't show up
456
00:23:11,590 --> 00:23:13,999
for their own lifetime
achievement award?
457
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,309
Selfish people.
458
00:23:15,310 --> 00:23:18,819
When I get an award for giving
away all the money I embezzled,
459
00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:20,023
I show the fuck up.
460
00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:21,399
Uh-uh, no.
461
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,809
What?
462
00:23:22,810 --> 00:23:25,160
You're a mess. You've
always been a mess.
463
00:23:25,170 --> 00:23:27,399
All that is happening
to you is your fault
464
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:28,599
and no one else's.
465
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,640
In no uncertain terms,
466
00:23:30,650 --> 00:23:34,219
you are the architect
of your own catastrophe
467
00:23:34,220 --> 00:23:37,499
except maybe the Duterte
thing, but he's a dictator.
468
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:40,083
You chose who to marry.
You chose your job.
469
00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:42,639
You chose to put Jeff on the
air with very few guardrails.
470
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,499
You chose to manufacture a doll
471
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,679
that listens to children sleeping,
472
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,859
and you chose to stick a very
expensive vibrating pickle
473
00:23:50,860 --> 00:23:52,180
into your vagina!
474
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,349
I'm sorry.
475
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:56,629
You twisted its head,
you made it burrow,
476
00:23:56,630 --> 00:23:59,299
you made it sing... you!
Your fault, you!
477
00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:00,980
You are Duterte!
478
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:06,020
I've been fucking
myself this whole time!
479
00:24:42,340 --> 00:24:45,599
I can't keep chasing her, can I?
480
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:48,446
No, man. Can't.
481
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:54,610
Sooner or later,
you gotta accept reality.
482
00:24:54,618 --> 00:24:57,245
Sooner is better.
483
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,279
Good evening.
484
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,339
I'm Jeff Pickles.
485
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:26,039
You know, my whole life...
486
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:29,770
I felt I had to choose between
my job and my family.
487
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:34,260
And it took me till today
488
00:25:34,270 --> 00:25:37,770
to realize how easy that choice is.
489
00:25:40,250 --> 00:25:43,779
Because one of them is real
490
00:25:43,780 --> 00:25:46,211
and one is a fantasy.
491
00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:55,090
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
33391
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof