Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:02,740
Previously on Kidding...
2
00:00:02,760 --> 00:00:04,400
Go, go, go!
3
00:00:04,420 --> 00:00:06,780
I found out what the P
in "P-Hound" stands for.
4
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,280
Now every time I see the letter P,
5
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:09,376
I think of the word "pussy."
6
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,120
We are losing control of him.
7
00:00:11,230 --> 00:00:13,740
We need versions of him we can control.
8
00:00:14,860 --> 00:00:17,730
This is the drawer of
letters from women.
9
00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:18,919
This one's from Akron.
10
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:20,680
You know, it's only two hours away.
11
00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:23,120
Give her a call. Buy
her some cheesecake.
12
00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:24,960
Married.
13
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,820
In six weeks, I'm gonna be dead.
14
00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:30,240
Aah!
15
00:00:33,470 --> 00:00:36,040
_
16
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,779
_
17
00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:39,440
_
18
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,440
_
19
00:00:42,270 --> 00:00:43,780
_
20
00:00:44,730 --> 00:00:47,470
_
21
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:49,580
_
22
00:00:50,070 --> 00:00:52,400
_
23
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:56,920
_
24
00:00:57,910 --> 00:00:59,820
_
25
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,980
_
26
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,980
_
27
00:01:11,730 --> 00:01:13,320
This job is hard.
28
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,080
This job's the easiest shit I've done
29
00:01:15,110 --> 00:01:16,300
my whole fucking life.
30
00:01:16,340 --> 00:01:18,230
No, pickles make me sad now.
31
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,740
I see pickles, I see
that dead Pickle boy
32
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:21,780
on the road.
33
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,530
I see his family suffering.
34
00:01:23,610 --> 00:01:25,620
I see pickles, I see tears.
35
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,820
Why you fucking do that?
36
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:30,610
Now I see it, too.
37
00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:31,880
Fuck, Sheila.
38
00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:33,530
Ruining pickles and shit.
39
00:01:33,610 --> 00:01:35,300
Fuck you, Sheila.
40
00:01:46,150 --> 00:01:48,540
Murderer!
41
00:02:04,940 --> 00:02:09,940
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
42
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,180
Thank you for a lovely evening.
43
00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:48,660
_
44
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,060
Why do you feel guilty?
45
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,140
I like you.
46
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:56,480
I like Vivian.
47
00:02:56,570 --> 00:02:58,900
I don't like having
feelings for two people.
48
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,890
- It's selfish.
- Don't feel bad.
49
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:03,310
I don't feel bad. I feel incredible.
50
00:03:03,390 --> 00:03:05,350
I feel like I've
discovered the South Pole.
51
00:03:05,430 --> 00:03:07,310
I don't want you to feel bad.
52
00:03:07,390 --> 00:03:09,160
I don't want to hurt you.
53
00:03:09,580 --> 00:03:12,140
You're never gonna not
be important to me.
54
00:03:12,220 --> 00:03:14,820
You're never gonna not
be important to me.
55
00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:18,140
Well, I think it's great, too.
56
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,520
Just the other night, I
was thinking to myself,
57
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:22,980
"Are there any ladies that I know
58
00:03:23,060 --> 00:03:25,520
who would be a good match for Jeff?"
59
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:28,000
And... literally nobody came to mind.
60
00:03:28,060 --> 00:03:29,500
Thanks, Giant P.
61
00:03:29,540 --> 00:03:30,960
- I thought it was Big P.
- Was it?
62
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,780
I'm not hurt. I'm not upset.
63
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,600
I'm offering you many...
64
00:03:34,620 --> 00:03:37,350
blessings and much good luck here
65
00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:38,920
on your new relationship.
66
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,730
Don't worry. It's just temporary.
67
00:03:40,810 --> 00:03:42,640
It doesn't have to be temporary.
68
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:44,560
It does.
69
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,310
What does that mean?
70
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,580
_
71
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:09,279
Hello? Rex?
72
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,930
I have a piano question.
73
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,560
I see your car!
74
00:04:21,660 --> 00:04:23,356
Are you gonna put it under
your pillow this time
75
00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:24,900
or hide it from the Tooth Fairy?
76
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:26,650
I don't hide them.
77
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,180
I lose them sometimes.
78
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,390
Uh-huh.
79
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:32,310
Hey, Dad.
80
00:04:32,390 --> 00:04:34,600
I lost my tooth in my breakfast panini.
81
00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:38,060
I'm not going to work
today. I have the flu.
82
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,260
- It really sucks.
- Where does it hurt?
83
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,600
Ugh, all over my body.
I-I need to go to bed.
84
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,020
I need fluids.
85
00:04:44,060 --> 00:04:47,680
I can't go to work today
or tomorrow, maybe ever.
86
00:04:47,770 --> 00:04:50,600
I do not want to be a
corporate travel agent.
87
00:04:50,610 --> 00:04:52,350
Why am I a corporate travel agent?
88
00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:53,580
Are you crying?
89
00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,380
It's the flu.
90
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,020
I'll make soup.
91
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:00,100
Actually, people are saying
yogurt is the new soup.
92
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,600
♪ I'll put up no resistance ♪
93
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:06,600
♪ I wanna stay the distance ♪
94
00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:09,890
♪ I've got an itch to scratch ♪
95
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,680
♪ I need assistance ♪
96
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,680
♪ Touch-a ♪
97
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:19,640
I'm waiting for a text message.
98
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:21,740
Mm.
99
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:25,400
♪ I wanna be dirty ♪
100
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,680
How much longer do you think we have?
101
00:05:27,770 --> 00:05:30,230
- As a species?
- Mm...
102
00:05:30,310 --> 00:05:31,890
until the roof caves in.
103
00:05:31,980 --> 00:05:34,660
Till there's no this anymore.
104
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,560
Until Jeff can't function
as host or human.
105
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:38,920
It all depends on him.
106
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,000
Could be weeks. Could be months.
107
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,440
I can't predict the
future, and I'm not good
108
00:05:43,470 --> 00:05:45,180
at guessing weight from a distance,
109
00:05:45,270 --> 00:05:47,140
but if you get close to him,
110
00:05:47,230 --> 00:05:50,160
you can hear the air hissing
out of the balloon.
111
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:51,400
And what do I do, then?
112
00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:54,930
You're gonna be home alone all day
113
00:05:55,020 --> 00:05:56,930
with your family...
114
00:05:57,020 --> 00:06:00,160
that screaming banshee child...
115
00:06:00,180 --> 00:06:01,640
and let's face it,
116
00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:04,100
that marriage that has
always had one foot
117
00:06:04,140 --> 00:06:05,840
on a pile of red ants.
118
00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:09,280
Fuck you, red ants! Scott's
the love of my life.
119
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:12,470
And Maddy... she lost
a tooth this morning,
120
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,060
and I was like, "Put
it under your pillow."
121
00:06:14,070 --> 00:06:16,290
And I cannot wait to get home later
122
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:19,120
and find her tooth under her pillow.
123
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,020
Everybody wants to feel
like they're a good parent.
124
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,270
Nobody wants to act like one.
125
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:25,730
Do me a favor
126
00:06:25,810 --> 00:06:28,330
and picture your brother as a mascot
127
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:31,310
to your favorite Chinese
softball team, huh?
128
00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:34,100
Would he look like this?
129
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,390
That's traumatizing.
130
00:06:40,470 --> 00:06:42,380
- He has a dick nose.
- Yeah.
131
00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:44,110
It's Jeff's head for the Ice Capades.
132
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,840
I outsourced it to Vietnam.
133
00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:47,440
It's shitty. You can do better.
134
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,750
I can't replace Jeff
with a Styrofoam head
135
00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:51,730
and then look him in the
eye over osso buco.
136
00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:55,310
Welcome to the world of
exciting internal conflict.
137
00:06:55,390 --> 00:06:57,840
Build me a Jeff, please.
138
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,900
I know this is gonna come
as a surprise to you,
139
00:06:59,930 --> 00:07:01,496
but I'm not gonna be around much longer.
140
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,930
My father died at 68.
141
00:07:04,020 --> 00:07:05,420
I'm on borrowed time.
142
00:07:05,430 --> 00:07:07,810
I'd like all this to be yours someday.
143
00:07:07,890 --> 00:07:09,300
Since when?
144
00:07:09,380 --> 00:07:11,140
If not you, who?
145
00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:12,750
But if we want to keep this shop open,
146
00:07:12,770 --> 00:07:14,980
first, we need to build another Jeff...
147
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,770
on ice.
148
00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:18,979
The original is out to sea.
149
00:07:22,100 --> 00:07:23,660
I don't want to hurt anyone.
150
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,140
Hurt who?
151
00:07:26,390 --> 00:07:28,470
Jill, Will... anyone.
152
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,440
I mean, this, for example.
153
00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:32,020
What if a kid watched this,
154
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,120
put a barrel on, attached
a bedsheet to it,
155
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,470
and tried to parachute
over Niagara Falls?
156
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,230
Chances would not be good.
157
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,430
We've been using that same
visually arresting sequence
158
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,450
to transition you from the real world
159
00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:45,660
to Pickle Barrel Falls for 30 years.
160
00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:47,320
And no child has ever tried this?
161
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:49,600
I promise you, we would've heard.
162
00:07:49,610 --> 00:07:50,620
Mm.
163
00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:52,430
Why are you questioning this now?
164
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,600
Shaina, from Akron.
165
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,300
We shared the cheesecake.
166
00:07:56,740 --> 00:07:58,930
A moment from this show saved her life.
167
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,060
If that's true, one
moment from this show
168
00:08:01,140 --> 00:08:03,080
could take a life, if we're not careful.
169
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,810
It's a puppet show. It's
not a cursed monkey paw.
170
00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:07,659
- Do I have texts?
- I don't know.
171
00:08:07,660 --> 00:08:10,110
That's a cell phone
that uses AA batteries.
172
00:08:10,140 --> 00:08:11,470
You want to change something?
173
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,930
Upgrade your gizmos.
174
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,140
How'd things go with Shaina from Akron?
175
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,620
- We didn't really connect.
- Oh, that's too bad.
176
00:08:17,660 --> 00:08:19,246
I met someone else, though.
177
00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:21,040
Really? On the same night?
178
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,230
Her name is Vivian.
179
00:08:22,310 --> 00:08:24,060
I love that name. She sounds gorgeous.
180
00:08:24,140 --> 00:08:26,300
- Now tell me about her.
- She's younger than me.
181
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,800
That's fine, as long as she's not
182
00:08:27,820 --> 00:08:29,850
selling Do-Si-Dos outside the Kroger.
183
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,180
- She has a lovely smile.
- Aw, terrific.
184
00:08:32,620 --> 00:08:35,340
And the doctors give
her about six weeks.
185
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:36,560
Hmm.
186
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,420
Where you off to, Jimmy?
187
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:43,600
Pickle Barrel Falls.
188
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:44,930
Okay, honey, have fun.
189
00:08:44,950 --> 00:08:46,060
Bye, Mom.
190
00:08:49,430 --> 00:08:50,890
Here we go!
191
00:08:56,850 --> 00:08:59,140
What are you trying to
do, Ennui La Triste?
192
00:08:59,220 --> 00:09:02,770
Because my tongue is
cheese, I cannot whistle!
193
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,240
Quel fromage.
194
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:08,160
Come on, you stale breadstick.
195
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,900
Whistling is easy.
196
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:15,060
Mm, never mind.
197
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,060
Ennui, in my experience,
198
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,520
everyone has a little
tune in their heart,
199
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,180
and if you listen closely,
200
00:09:21,270 --> 00:09:23,430
it always finds a way out.
201
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,160
Now you try.
202
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,930
And then I loved her in the pussy.
203
00:09:44,190 --> 00:09:45,200
Wow.
204
00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:47,350
I know.
205
00:09:47,430 --> 00:09:50,100
I tried texting her, but
there's no response.
206
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,060
Didn't you say she was terminally ill?
207
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,770
No, that's just the
opinion of three doctors.
208
00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:56,140
Her attitude would suggest
209
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,020
an entirely different prognosis.
210
00:09:58,100 --> 00:10:01,440
But what do I know? I'm
not three doctors.
211
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,180
What can you do, Jeff?
212
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,580
I hate to think that last night
didn't mean anything to her.
213
00:10:05,620 --> 00:10:07,120
Maybe your phone's broken.
214
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,120
That's why she hasn't responded.
215
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,680
- Did you think of that?
- That's it.
216
00:10:11,770 --> 00:10:13,300
You're probably right.
217
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,430
- Mm-hmm.
- Ah.
218
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,140
What a dopey-dope.
219
00:10:16,230 --> 00:10:18,350
Ha!
220
00:10:18,430 --> 00:10:20,320
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, my boy.
221
00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:24,090
You asked when it all ends.
222
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,400
- I...
- Six weeks.
223
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,950
When the cancer lady he's
falling for bites it,
224
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,400
that's when he pops.
225
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,990
Not a lot of time, but we can
get the ice show on its feet
226
00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,730
and rush the doll for Christmas.
227
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,300
Will.
228
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,700
You back here?
229
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:42,520
I could use some technical support.
230
00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:48,230
Whoa, it's you.
231
00:10:48,310 --> 00:10:49,770
Your pineapple is smoking.
232
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,180
Yeah, I call it the Mind-dozer.
233
00:10:52,270 --> 00:10:55,390
It's practically made the
apple bong obsolete.
234
00:10:55,470 --> 00:10:58,430
Plus, when you're done, you
can chop it up and eat it,
235
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,020
get you manganese.
236
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:01,280
Have you seen my son?
237
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:03,280
Just because I've seen him in a place
238
00:11:03,310 --> 00:11:05,800
doesn't mean he's actually
in that place, you know?
239
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,480
Meaning, he could've left that place.
240
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,730
Well, could you point to
where you saw him last?
241
00:11:11,810 --> 00:11:13,380
Narc-ing on an acquaintance
242
00:11:13,420 --> 00:11:16,100
would violate every
principle I hold dear.
243
00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:19,860
Hey, is it true you killed
a bunch of Lebanese people
244
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:22,270
when you were a sniper for the CIA?
245
00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:24,310
What did you say?
246
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,980
The Dark Web knows all secrets, man.
247
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,020
You shouldn't believe
every rumor you read.
248
00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:45,860
Truth is, I wouldn't know
the first thing about
249
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:48,270
lining up an innocent man's peach pit
250
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,310
from 1,000 yards out...
251
00:11:50,390 --> 00:11:53,400
pink misting him through
his kitchen window.
252
00:11:54,060 --> 00:11:56,430
I've never been to Lebanon or Iran,
253
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,300
never known the thrill of sipping
254
00:11:58,310 --> 00:11:59,890
the Shah's contraband tequila
255
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:03,300
from the cold navel of my 100th kill.
256
00:12:03,770 --> 00:12:06,680
Nor can I appreciate the years
of training and tenacity
257
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,470
it would take to draw an imaginary line
258
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:12,940
between my heartbeat
and my trigger finger.
259
00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:16,000
Never done those things.
260
00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:19,860
I could never take a man's life.
261
00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:23,400
But I've heard it's as easy
262
00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:25,350
as popping a pimple.
263
00:12:38,350 --> 00:12:40,380
I think Will's over there, man.
264
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,680
Thanks for your help.
265
00:12:42,770 --> 00:12:45,640
You're a good helper.
266
00:12:45,730 --> 00:12:48,020
All right, pick a card, any card.
267
00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:50,770
- Should I show you?
- No.
268
00:12:50,850 --> 00:12:52,140
Don't... don't show me.
269
00:12:52,260 --> 00:12:54,730
Now, uh, sign the Bicycle
side of the card.
270
00:12:54,810 --> 00:12:56,310
Will?
271
00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,640
Could you come with me
to the phone store?
272
00:12:58,730 --> 00:13:02,140
This thing is broken. I
don't know what to do.
273
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:04,100
So you... you think your phone is broken
274
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:06,680
because this woman you
just met didn't respond?
275
00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:08,260
We spent a whole night together.
276
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:11,620
We told each other things you
can never tell a stranger.
277
00:13:11,810 --> 00:13:14,560
- We made love.
- Oh.
278
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,730
Um...
279
00:13:16,810 --> 00:13:18,350
There's something wrong with this.
280
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,260
Uh-huh. Yeah, uh...
281
00:13:23,230 --> 00:13:24,850
it looks okay to me.
282
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,890
Could you take in the
back just to make sure?
283
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:30,500
- I'd feel better.
- Sure. Sure.
284
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,520
Uh, just...
285
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,270
Yeah, which account is this
phone registered under?
286
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:37,240
I have your name associated
with two plans...
287
00:13:37,270 --> 00:13:38,699
one ending in 4356,
288
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:41,300
- another in 7864.
- Yeah, the first one.
289
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,980
Okay.
290
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:45,330
We will get to the bottom of this.
291
00:13:45,340 --> 00:13:46,350
- Great.
- Okay.
292
00:13:46,380 --> 00:13:47,390
Okay.
293
00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:50,600
Hey...
294
00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:53,640
do you think that maybe
I could get a, uh...
295
00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:57,930
a new phone, one with a,
uh, alphanumeric keyboard?
296
00:13:58,020 --> 00:13:59,780
What do you need that for?
297
00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:06,040
Whose, uh... whose phone
number ends in 7864?
298
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,430
What?
299
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,470
He, uh... he said that
you have two numbers.
300
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,430
The other number belongs to a man
301
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:18,660
who hurt his back so badly
that he can't work anymore,
302
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,540
so I pay for some of his necessities,
303
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:24,640
like his phone and his rent
and his daughter's education.
304
00:14:24,730 --> 00:14:26,060
How did he get hurt?
305
00:14:27,810 --> 00:14:31,240
He was driving the truck that
hit you and Phil that day.
306
00:14:35,020 --> 00:14:37,080
Don't you hate that guy?
307
00:14:37,770 --> 00:14:40,300
Hate doesn't punish who
you think it does.
308
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,020
Well, I had our...
309
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,100
best technicians take a look,
310
00:14:45,180 --> 00:14:48,960
and there doesn't seem to be
anything wrong with the phone.
311
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,430
Uh...
312
00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:55,930
Mm, that's unfortunate.
313
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,020
Um, look, Mr. Pickles...
314
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:00,900
here's the thing.
315
00:15:00,940 --> 00:15:02,859
Can I tell you what I
think really happened?
316
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,880
I-I don't think that
your phone is broken.
317
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,700
I think that, uh, it's
hers that's broken,
318
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:11,740
and that's why she's not responding.
319
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:13,760
That makes sense.
320
00:15:13,820 --> 00:15:15,470
I knew there was a reason I brought you.
321
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,390
He's the family computer whiz.
322
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,270
Yeah, that's...
323
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,260
Uh, so is there anything
else I can help you with?
324
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:22,730
Just that.
325
00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:31,750
Once upon a time, there
was a swing in a branch
326
00:15:31,780 --> 00:15:34,470
and a big, fat marshmallow.
327
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:37,340
Why does the cat only
eat marshmallows, Dad?
328
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,140
Why do you think? Turn the page.
329
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:42,760
I only see the cat!
330
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,270
The kitty's so dismay-ded,
331
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,470
but there's a marshmallow,
and the kitty's like...
332
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:50,730
I'm sick.
333
00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:51,950
So breathe that way.
334
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:53,730
I'm not sleeping on the fold-out.
335
00:15:53,810 --> 00:15:55,400
No, I mean I'm sick, Dee Dee.
336
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:58,060
I don't know what's wrong with me.
337
00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:02,310
I need...
338
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:07,520
Oh, God, I've pictured
having this conversation
339
00:16:07,540 --> 00:16:08,800
since I was 13,
340
00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:11,350
and now I don't know how to start it.
341
00:16:14,180 --> 00:16:15,980
But...
342
00:16:18,980 --> 00:16:20,430
... a word that's...
343
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,520
defined me for a while has been...
344
00:16:25,770 --> 00:16:27,520
... confusion.
345
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,730
Even ten words in, it already feels
346
00:16:39,810 --> 00:16:41,850
so cathartic...
347
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:44,850
... to open up...
348
00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:47,770
about what I'm trying to say, baby.
349
00:16:51,390 --> 00:16:55,720
In the deepest part of myself...
350
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,310
... I've always...
351
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,820
Name a happy child of divorce.
352
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:08,820
- What?
- Name one happy child of divorce.
353
00:17:09,060 --> 00:17:11,930
Can I finish what I'm trying to say?
354
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,520
Oh...
355
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,890
the Tooth Fairy needs to find her wand.
356
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,100
Where do your teeth go?
357
00:17:39,930 --> 00:17:41,270
Hi, Mom.
358
00:17:41,350 --> 00:17:42,999
I'm Mr. Chompers.
359
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,500
Jesus! Fuck!
360
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:47,680
And I eat dreams. Nom! Nom!
361
00:17:47,770 --> 00:17:50,180
Nom...
362
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:34,060
I'm sorry.
363
00:18:35,730 --> 00:18:38,140
I don't even know how
to talk to you anymore,
364
00:18:38,230 --> 00:18:41,060
but I want you to know that...
365
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,740
I do it all the time in my head,
366
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,480
so it feels like I talk
to you more than I do.
367
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:55,060
I'm always asking myself
if I'm trying too hard.
368
00:18:55,140 --> 00:18:57,620
Am I?
369
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,640
Or not enough?
370
00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:03,890
I used to be so good at putting myself
371
00:19:03,980 --> 00:19:06,140
between you and...
372
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,480
anything that tried to hurt you, but...
373
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:11,940
I couldn't...
374
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,350
I couldn't put myself between
you and what happened.
375
00:19:15,380 --> 00:19:16,660
I...
376
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:19,580
I couldn't stop...
377
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,020
you losing everything.
378
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:28,020
And...
379
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,760
I don't know how to protect you anymore,
380
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:33,180
and maybe I shouldn't.
381
00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:36,180
Maybe that's how I help.
382
00:19:48,260 --> 00:19:51,160
Have you ever seen the movie Robocop?
383
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:53,350
Maybe?
384
00:19:53,430 --> 00:19:54,730
It's about a police officer
385
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,730
who dies in the line of duty.
386
00:19:56,810 --> 00:19:59,680
His buddies rebuild him like a robot
387
00:19:59,770 --> 00:20:01,930
so they can control him,
388
00:20:02,020 --> 00:20:03,760
but he just gets...
389
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,470
way more violent.
390
00:20:16,310 --> 00:20:18,580
Just a sec.
391
00:20:27,430 --> 00:20:29,020
Hi.
392
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,060
I didn't know you were coming.
393
00:20:35,020 --> 00:20:39,440
Welcome to my... home away from home.
394
00:20:44,350 --> 00:20:46,020
What happened here?
395
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,140
Um...
396
00:20:47,230 --> 00:20:49,240
a lamp got broken.
397
00:20:49,930 --> 00:20:52,080
And you're sleeping on a futon?
398
00:20:52,140 --> 00:20:54,239
Yeah, sometimes I want a bed.
399
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:55,889
Sometimes I want a couch.
400
00:20:55,890 --> 00:20:58,100
It's Spartan, but it's
everything I need.
401
00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:00,800
Where does Will sleep?
402
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:04,060
Oh, I have an inflatable mattress.
403
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,780
He thinks it's like a
water bed, only with air.
404
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,760
You could be in a suite at
the Four Seasons, Jeff.
405
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:11,560
I'm happy here.
406
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,660
What you don't see are the memories.
407
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,660
My first apartment...
408
00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,600
short stroll right across campus.
409
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,470
Before I say what I'm going to say,
410
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,330
you should know that your
son was very touched
411
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:23,680
by what you did.
412
00:21:23,770 --> 00:21:25,900
I didn't expect that.
413
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,240
We raised a good boy.
414
00:21:27,260 --> 00:21:30,140
But the guilt that I felt
415
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:32,560
for wanting a sixth pair of shoes...
416
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,760
Who said you couldn't have shoes?
417
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:36,120
- ... or a car that's just fun...
- It's a lot of shoes.
418
00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:37,460
... and fast to drive...
419
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,869
You want another car? Get another car.
420
00:21:38,870 --> 00:21:40,366
- ... or for hating the man...
- Get six cars...
421
00:21:40,390 --> 00:21:41,810
one for every day of the week.
422
00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:43,020
... who drove a snack
truck into our family,
423
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,020
and meanwhile, you are
writing checks for his rent,
424
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:47,270
his utility bills?
425
00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:50,040
You're paying his garbage pickup?
426
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,850
He has a daughter.
427
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:59,310
Someday she's gonna
have to go to college.
428
00:22:01,470 --> 00:22:04,430
We had a son,
429
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,740
and he will never go to college!
430
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,430
Denny hurt his back in the accident.
431
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,890
- Denny?
- He walks with a cane now.
432
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:13,420
Of course you're on a
first-name basis with him!
433
00:22:13,460 --> 00:22:15,980
Did you not think how
giving that man money
434
00:22:16,060 --> 00:22:18,300
- would make me feel?
- He can't drive anymore.
435
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,250
Workmen's compensation
won't cover the cost
436
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:21,660
of a single-parent household.
437
00:22:22,140 --> 00:22:24,280
Someone has to look out for him.
438
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,600
We weren't the only ones
who lost something.
439
00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:30,200
We're the only ones that matter.
440
00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:32,400
I devoted an entire
show to Phil's death...
441
00:22:32,430 --> 00:22:34,850
... an honest show.
442
00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:36,360
They're gonna air it soon.
443
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,800
I don't watch Puppet Time anymore.
444
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:43,100
Watching it makes me want
to swallow my tongue.
445
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,330
You shouldn't blame that
man for what happened.
446
00:22:45,350 --> 00:22:47,180
I don't blame him.
447
00:22:47,270 --> 00:22:49,560
I hate him.
448
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,700
I blame myself for what happened.
449
00:22:51,730 --> 00:22:53,640
It was an accident...
450
00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:56,470
a stray burst of electrons
through a stoplight.
451
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,520
- A broken lamp.
- An act of God.
452
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,270
He's not the bad guy.
453
00:23:02,350 --> 00:23:04,320
Neither are you, Jill.
454
00:23:05,850 --> 00:23:08,150
- No one is.
- That's what you don't get.
455
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:11,470
Next to you, I am the bad guy.
456
00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:13,680
I always am.
457
00:23:13,770 --> 00:23:16,680
No, you're a wonderful
person, and I miss you
458
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,180
- more than anything.
- Don't.
459
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,180
Oh, I loved you, Jeff,
460
00:23:25,270 --> 00:23:26,930
but...
461
00:23:28,350 --> 00:23:33,140
... after the accident, when
all the cards arrived...
462
00:23:33,230 --> 00:23:35,560
they were all addressed to you.
463
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,420
They were meant for both of us.
464
00:23:38,460 --> 00:23:40,600
You're Santa.
465
00:23:40,730 --> 00:23:43,100
I'm Mrs. Claus.
466
00:23:43,180 --> 00:23:44,890
Santa brings joy.
467
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:46,980
Mrs. Claus brings...
468
00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:50,060
kibble to the reindeer.
469
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,060
Well, I don't live on
the North Pole anymore.
470
00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:57,600
I live in reality now.
471
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,390
It's not as colorful, but...
472
00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:02,900
I see the world how it really is.
473
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,520
The world is a perfect circle...
474
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,930
of endless possibilities.
475
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,600
It's not a circle.
476
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,930
It's a hole.
477
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,980
That truck driver...
478
00:24:28,180 --> 00:24:31,270
He didn't hurt his back in the accident.
479
00:24:31,350 --> 00:24:33,520
Maybe he told you he did,
480
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:35,680
but that is called a lie.
481
00:24:35,770 --> 00:24:37,850
He just wants your money.
482
00:24:37,930 --> 00:24:40,020
He's stealing from you,
483
00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:41,980
and teaching Will a magic trick
484
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,400
isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.
485
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,650
And when you screw a woman you just met
486
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,520
and she doesn't call you back,
487
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,850
it's not 'cause her phone is broken.
488
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,060
It's 'cause she doesn't like you!
489
00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:57,560
I'm sorry, but this is where we live.
490
00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:01,480
Please, join us.
491
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:34,180
_
492
00:26:08,980 --> 00:26:11,880
Is it the... queen of hearts?
493
00:26:16,140 --> 00:26:18,240
No way!
494
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,100
Mom?
495
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,810
Isn't it amazing, Gertie?
496
00:27:16,610 --> 00:27:21,610
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
34188
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof