Original subtitles

(TYPING)

I've been writing a blog about how much yöu suck.

What's it called?

"Why yöu Suck dot net."

- It's a clear title. - Are yöu gonna read it?

- Nope. - Our friends think it's hilarious.

If yöu don't read it, I won't just email it with a password to people we know.

- I'll make it public. - Go nuts, Jules.

Stuff it up yöur blog.

LEO: Love dies. All of it.

Which is why yöu should never give yöur cats names

like Snow and Balls.

Because when she leaves...

yöu'll get Balls.

(CAT MEOWING)

JULIE: No one was more surprised than me.

Believe me.

WOMAN: "Why yöu Suck" has become the template for people

asking themselves, is their partner wrong for them?

Tell me about the moment yöu realized

that yöur husband was that for yöu.

Well, I sold real estate,

so that he could write, and I hated it.

But, yöu know, I believed in him.

And every day I would climb to the top of this mountain

to watch the sunset.

And then, one day, when I was standing up there

I realized that I had never done it with him.

He was afraid of heights.

And it was my favorite thing,

and we'd never once shared it.

Hmm. Heartbreaking.

- Clarity. - What does Leo think of all of this?

- Oh, he's still never read it. - Do yöu really believe that?

- Believe it. - JULIE: Yes!

He has this amazing ability to just ignore criticism...

which, yöu know, I admired at first.

And then I came to see it as his worst trait.

What does make him angry? He was the writer.

I have news, Jules,

writing a blog does not make yöu a writer.

- Speaking of, yöu have some news. - Yes, I do.

Uh, next month Random House

is releasing "Why yöu Suck," the book.

- Congratulations. - (KNOCK ON DOOR)

That's amazing.

- I know. It's incredible. - Did yöu ever expect?

No. Never in my wildest dreams.

Dad wanted us to come over. We're supposed to say,

because "We think yöu're cool, like an uncle."

(SIGHING)

But we won't lie to yöu, and tell yöu, "Don't watch Julie

on TV and want to kill yöurself again."

I never wanted to kill myself.

(HORSE HOOVES CLOPPING)

Hey, there's a wedding!

GIRL: Wow! They look rich.

We could make fun of their need to display that.

LEO: Ravi and Pia are gifted,

which sounds cool, but really,

yöu don't want kids to be too clever.

- RAVI: A grown man in pajamas? - PIA: I know! It's embarrassing.

- Hey, I could teach yöu to throw. - Like yöu know!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

RAVI: yöu throw like a g... (SCREAMING)

No, mine!

- PIA: Gimme, gimme! - RAVI: Get off!

- He said I throw like a girl! - Well, yöu are a girl.

Here's how yöu throw a football!

(GRUNTING)

(ALL GASPING)

LEO: For Ravi, that punt fixed in his mind

an ideal of the woman he wanted to marry one day.

Pia, a firm believer in role models,

saw the woman she wanted to become.

And me, I just knew...

All right! yöu guys gotta go home now.

Leo's other worst trait was unrealistic dreams.

Things that would just...

take hold of him all of a sudden.

Absurd things. Impossible things.

Things that everyone...

MAN: Colette, Danny...

yöu have given and pledged yöur promises to each other

and have declared yöur everlasting love by exchanging the rings.

- Who yöu rooting for? Bride or groom? - Groom.

I volunteer at his camp for kids.

I also managed his fan mail when he skied at the Olympics.

Hmm.

MAN: I now pronounce yöu man and wife.

- Shove over. - yöu may kiss the bride.

- (AUDIENCE MURMURING) - (ORGAN PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

- It's like a fairy tale! - Oh, for Christ's sake.

What the hell is she thinking?!

WOMAN: I thought she was knocked up when she told me

they were getting married.

It's just so fast! Four months?

It's a rebellion.

Other kids dream of bucking the stranglehold

of middle class convention. But Colette?

Ah, some little part of her always wanted in.

Oh.

She got in, all right.

(CLINKING)

As his boss, I can tell yöu that Danny

is a terrific attorney.

But as his dad, as his father,

I can tell yöu how proud I am of Camp Awesome Times...

ALL: Aw...

the camp he founded for underprivileged kids...

Get to the part where he meets the girl! That's what they came for.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL REACTING)

Ha. No, thanks. Don't smoke. Get paranoid.

Lovely, isn't she?

What makes yöu think that this, and this...

isn't what she really wants?

The roses.

She hates roses. Hates flowers, period.

Except sunflowers.

If I'd seen sunflowers when I came here, maybe I'd believe this.

- So why's she doing it? - Issues with her mother.

Her dad was this handsome war journalist.

Also her mom's professor. Also a complete shit.

- (LEO CHUCKLING) - When Colette was 10,

her mom stole the money he was hiding from the government

and took her to live in a hotel in London.

They biked in Hyde Park, went to the theater...

Not that she remembers those times.

What does she remember?

Sneaking out of the hotel in the middle of the night when the cash ran out.

Ah, she'll never forgive me.

(GLASS CLINKING)

For those of yöu who don't know me, my name is Troy Cooper.

This is Troy Garnet.

MAN: Troy!

We've been best friends with Danny since junior nationals.

Danny and I made the Olympic team, Garnet didn't.

But, yöu know, while we got to ski all over the world,

yöu got to hang out in yöur parents' basement and smoke hash.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Um, what I wanted to get to,

what I wanted to say to yöu, Colette..

yöu are so lucky to be with a man like Danny.

Danny, I love yöu.

Hi.

yöur mom thinks yöu rushed into this.

- Ugh! - Mothers.

- They're so often right. - Not mine.

I'm sorry, who are yöu?

- Leo Palamino. - Hi, Leo.

Do yöu want to get a coffee sometime?

Or a drink?

Dance? Charcuterie plate?

Everyone's big into those these days.

This is my wedding.

We all have baggage.

Sorry.

I got cornered by some guys I haven't seen since Dartmouth.

Hey!

- Glad yöu could make it. - Hmm.

Obviously the guest list is a little lopsided.

- I blame this lone wolf. - He's not yöur friend?

Never seen him before in my life.

Not true.

Last year yöu chased me up 17th. I lost yöu in the alley.

yöu're the guy. yöu keyed my car!

- yöur Hummer. Yes. - yöu had a Hummer?

Just for a few months.

yöu have to be kind of a dick to drive a Hummer.

And yöu should not be with a dick.

yöu should be with me.

(DANNY LAUGHING)

This is a joke, right?

No.

(GRUNTING)

- God! - Holy shit, that hurt!

DANNY: That guy just hit on my wife!

Garnet, Cooper, stop him!

MAN: Get that guy!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(LEO GROANING)

Whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Ah! The Troys.

I think I'm gonna kick him. Really wail on him, if that's cool.

Dude, I'm a lawyer. I don't think we should kick him.

Danny, come on! We have the moral high ground here.

I feel like yöu guys just need to make a decision.

Wait, people have pointed this guy out to me.

Wasn't yöur wife the real estate chick who wrote the blog?

(SIGHING) Ex.

- Didn't she get a book deal, too? - Bro, that's gotta hurt.

Nothing like he's gonna hurt when I pulverize him. Piece of shit!

Cooper, stop!

He's been kicked enough.

Just get off our property.

(LEO LAUGHS)

I know yöu miss Snow.

But yöu gotta get yöurself together.

And Balls?

For the first time,

I know it's possible.

(BALLS MEOWING)

(SOFTLY GROWLING)

Huh.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISPERING LOUDLY) That guy's wife wrote the blog.

I know. Can yöu believe he kept doing this dead end job?

LEO: Julie's blog meant there were no shortage

of strongly felt opinions about my choices.

Usually, I tell them off.

At least for their lame attempt at hushed tones.

But... not today.

'Morning, kitchen.

'Morning, Leo.

Is this some weird calm before the storm...

before yöu really freak out?

- Julie's book deal. - No. Not gonna freak out.

yöu wanna know why?

I met someone.

Ah.

That's fantastic! Where?

- A wedding. - Whose?

Hers.

Don't yöu have a school to be ridiculed at?

Granted, there are obstacles. But...

it's time for a new theme.

I saw him again today.

My bear.

The product of a rare recessive gene.

Two thousand miles from their only habitat.

Beautiful things that seem impossible

happen every day.

Heads up!

Good to have yöu back, man!

LEO: Julie never understood why I don't hate my job.

Dish washing gives results that are immediate.

Lacking in longer term pursuits,

like writing a novel,

or pursuing a woman.

(GLASS DINGS)

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Oh, sweetheart, thank yöu.

I know I said it didn't matter,

and it mattered so much to yöur mom,

but I did kind of hate the roses.

- These aren't from me. - What?

"I hate it when we are apart.

Leo Palamino."

Is he out of his fucking mind!?

MAN: yöu are...

out of yöur fucking mind!

I love that she doesn't like roses.

They're the attorneys of the flower world, don't yöu think?

Hey.

Neil's irritable because I won't let him see my paintings for my new show.

No, babe, I'm irritable because my best friend's an idiot,

and I just put sunglasses on a marmot.

WOMAN: Oh.

LEO: Neil's Big Horn Books published my book.

The, uh, colossal failure of which meant

he had to make money fast.

And so was born the Big Horn Honker,

a mix of local news, and heartwarming wildlife trivia.

But mostly a way for local bars to advertise drink specials.

- Show him, Neil. - No, Jill. Don't encourage it.

yöu think he's not gonna find her?

Okay.

(SIGHS)

Here yöu go. She runs that weird tour company.

LEO: I've heard these are actually cool.

Oh! Well, it actually doesn't matter, 'cause she's actually married.

Married married. So, yöu know, it hasn't worn off yet.

Leo, punch that man in the throat. I think he ate my husband.

- Dude. - Oh!

Thanks to a congenital defect, she has three of those.

LEO: Jill and Neil are obsessed with taking disgusting,

way too intimate pictures of each other with their phones.

Hey, man, lock up. I have to violate my wife.

- Where are yöu gonna go? In here? - Hmm? No.

LEO: To be their friend is to be party to a lot of

alarming foreplay for sex yöu'll never have.

- (JILL SQUEALING) - (NEIL BLOWING)

They make me believe in love.

yöur wife wrote that blog, right?

LEO: There were benefits to my notoriety.

yöu're a major pop culture reference.

My friends back home won't believe I met yöu.

A notoriety aided by dollar a shot Wednesdays.

(WOMAN SHOUTING)

Of which I am king.

(GIGGLING) My...

My friend won't believe I met yöu.

Mm..hmm. yöur friend back home?

No. My friend over there.

(WOMAN GROANING)

yöu're aces at that, mate.

Okay. Gotta pee.

I get wicked bladder infections.

LEO: Yes, there are worse ways

to mourn the loss of a relationship.

But sex with strangers,

even leggy, weirdly vocal ones

with a blase attitude,

is an alienating excuse for love.

Especially when yöu know it's possible again.

Where are we?

I told Mom and Dad we'd pick up their wedding gift today.

(DOG BARKING)

Hey!

I missed yöu guys! Yeah, come here.

Oh, mwah.

Good to see yöu.

Why are the dogs here?

Who lives here?

Us.

yöur parents bought us a house.

They had a designer furnish it.

Of course, anything yöu don't like will go.

It's not that. It's all beautiful.

- We just can't take it. - Why?

Well, I didn't...

We didn't earn it.

Oh, my God. I forgot.

We live in a black and white world

where things are very simple.

Shut up. I'm serious.

I am too.

And in this simple world, if we didn't earn something

by the sweat of our brow, we just... we can't possibly enjoy it.

Though we both know the world is not simple like that.

yöu know,

it was a mistake.

We can give it all back.

- yöu brought these here? - Yeah.

I figured if yöur mom sends yöu them, they're important.

Even if yöu are mad at her right now.

yöu're amazing. yöu know that?

Leo Palamino!

- Yes. - Last time I saw yöu, yöu were downtown.

- Ah, yeah. - Between my legs.

- Yeah. - Shucking my oyster.

yöu know, I like to keep the disturbing euphemisms to the heat of the moment.

Kinda old fashioned that way.

(LAUGHING) Yeah. Got it, mate.

But if there was a licensing board for muff diving...

Could I get a ticket?

(BELL RINGING)

Good afternoon everyone.

WOMAN: Hi.

And welcome to the tour.

Let's get started!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Word is, to get zoning approval for this abomination,

the company slipped 600 grand

to Councilman Ryan Debrugan last Christmas Eve.

Oh!

- Who is that? - Councilman Debrugan.

Nice.

- (WATER BUBBLING) - COLETTE: Hear it?

That river has been flowing

over a million years.

It's my favorite natural wonder here, even if yöu have to

lie in a parking lot to hear it.

Just imagine...

a river...

in total darkness.

(WATER FLOWING)

Now, before I tell yöu about the bodies found

under the floor when the hermit died,

- any questions? - (ALL GASPING)

I'm kidding! He was just a normal hermit.

Built model trains, talked to the animals.

He died holding a picture of a girl he loved in his yöuth.

WOMAN: Aw...

Uh, but seriously, any questions?

He's got a question.

That's weird. I didn't notice him.

LEO: What gave yöu the idea for the tours?

I... I moved a lot growing up.

The first thing we'd do in a new place was go to a local bar

and get the lowdown.

yöu don't learn about a place from the brochures.

Life is messy.

And that's its beauty.

(SCOFFING)

He doesn't deserve yöu.

yöu know nothing about Danny. Or me.

I know guys like him, yöu know?

So, he's lucky,

so comfy in his own skin.

And he has really good taste.

I mean, who wouldn't with all that fancy, worldly experience?

I mean, this guy, he doesn't just want a hot wife,

he wants a hot, interesting wife.

So this is what he does..

he ditches his Hummer to impress yöu.

yöu are incredibly judgmental.

Ah, sometimes yöu just know about a person.

yöu don't know this..

that punt that made yöu notice me because yöu're so sexist

yöu think it's wild a girl can do that,

Danny, the love of my life, taught me that.

Touché.

(SIGHING)

Shall we?

yöu know, it is kind of sexist, yöu thinking her kicking a football is cool.

- It is cool. - JILL: Whoo..hoo!

My wife flies.

- That's cool. - Eh.

Also she made my ball sack a Twitter account.

(JILL SHOUTING)

- Ah, I hate when she dips like that. - Leo, yöu're afraid of heights,

not of other people being up high.

Hey, did I tell yöu? Colette's husband is a friend of Garnet's

whose gallery is showing Jill's paintings.

- The ones she won't show yöu? - Yeah. And I don't get it, yöu know?

She always shows me her work first,

- (PHONE DINGING) - Not that Garnet's a bad guy,

if yöu're into rich guys with chiseled good looks who work out.

"Hi, I'm Neil's ball sack."

Oh!

That's just wrong, man.

I don't want yöur balls on my phone.

If they say wise or hilarious things yöu do.

(PHONE DINGING)

"It's dark in here and Neil's jeans stink."

(CHORTLING)

COLETTE: He's harmless.

Just annoying.

I've dealt with my share of nuts on the tour.

I just told Kingsley not to sell him any more tickets.

Good. I had Cooper look into him.

He's a failed writer.

He rents a house from a company I do legal for.

To retaliate would be like, um, punching a puppy.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

yöu, Danny Hart, have a good one. yöu know that?

yöu ever think of doing anything other than the tour?

- What? - Like yöu said, yöu... yöu know,

yöu're exposed, to anyone.

yöu know, now that we're settled yöu can do anything yöu want,

yöu could even go back to school.

But I love what I do. I hated school.

I just want yöu to know yöu have options, that's all.

Well, so do yöu. yöu don't have to be a lawyer.

Point taken.

Why'd yöu hate school?

Schools.

I'd always just get settled, and then we'd move.

My entire childhood was like being on the...

outside of an inside joke.

Well, if yöu would have come to my school,

I would have invited yöu to the cool kids' table.

What?

I love that yöu brought these here.

But I've been drinking from these stupid mismatched cups

my entire life.

And yöu have no idea the thrill these give me.

(CAR DOOR SLAMMING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

She's moving from an Airstream in the woods!

One more reason she's

way too interesting to be with that...

Lawyer Olympian camp for kids founder?

What are yöu doing?

Pretending to deliver the Honker while I spy on my wife.

Look at him. Giving her thoughts on her work, sharing a laugh.

I give her feedback. Feedback is our thing.

- I'm sure she has her reasons. - Oh, yeah, I'm sure she does.

Look at me. I wanted to publish books. Niche work with integrity.

Instead, I publish something more people urinate on than read.

- Aw, shit! - (HORN HONKING)

They saw us. Great!

Move yöur bike. Look, try not to act like the dick

who crashed his best friend's wedding.

- Hi! Hey, babe! - Hey, hon.

- Hey, here are yöur Honkers, man. - Hi. Okay. Okay. Leo.

Jill.

yöu look different. Not on yöur back, whimpering.

Oh, half of the Troys, can we start over?

That is a gorgeous scarf.

I've been looking everywhere for a white silk scarf.

- Leo, shut up. - Great work.

- We'll talk soon. - Great.

- Thanks for that, Leo, yöu child. - Child? Really?

Uh, recent Tweets from yöur husband's balls.

"I itch.

Neil won't stop touching me.

Anyone have a good recipe for salmon?

I..."

What's that?

My new theme.

It's what I'm in with Colette.

The key? Seemingly chance encounters

where she sees how right we are for each other.

When I met Poojah, she was betrothed

to a bricklayer's son cum Internet millionaire.

- So what did yöu do? - Challenged him to a duel.

Jesus. yöu dueled him?

No. I just love how yöu believe any crazy shit I say about India.

No, what yöu need to do

is show her something yöu can do.

Something great, that, uh, no one else can.

- What would that be? - Heads up.

We've got some new ideas for the tour.

Uh, that woman wrote in again about her racy doll collection

and another guy sent in a picture of his penis,

- with times it'll be available for viewing. - That was nice of him.

But this one's actually interesting.

LEO'S BOSS: "To whom it may concern,

I am writing to inform yöu of a unique and wonderful colleague

of mine who would make a great attraction on yöur tour."

(BALLS GRUMBLING)

For sure. It's the Mary Jane.

(KNOCKING)

(SIGHING)

I'm coming. I'm coming!

- Know where I can get some schlook? - Maybe a white haired lady?

LEO: "The Slang That Kills." Look it.

The pot is for my cat's arthritis.

yöu're still a part of an underground economy where bad ass mofos...

- It's slang for dealers. - Threaten, even kill.

Mandeep, yöur kids were at my house this morning

harassing me about drugs.

- Is that weird? - No, no.

They're doing a unit on drugs in school. They're very into it.

How ya doin', Jess?

- Living the dream, man. - MANDEEP: Leo!

- Living the dream. - She's here.

(CLANKING)

The view from here is good. Look.

Today's theme is 'orbit.'

(CUPS CLANKING)

(SIGHING)

- What the hell? - Coming through.

Watch out, watch out. This way, this way, right this way.

Colette! What are yöu doing here?

Oh, I don't know...

I got this anonymous tip about a dishwasher

"with amazing motor skills and themes."

Themes? It's not standard in a dishwasher.

Unheard of.

Aren't yöu curious?

Purely from a business point of view.

A demonstration.

If two objects... or people,

have a similar mass...

uh, metaphorically speaking,

humor, originality, true of heartness,

put them in orbit...

- and... - (MACHINE WHIRRING)

they'll spin,

collide, fall...

together.

Useless to resist.

He screams tourist attraction to me.

(GRUNTING)

I got this.

yöu were charmed.

For a second.

I saw it.

Is there anywhere yöu won't make a scene?

If it's important, who cares what a bunch of strangers think?

This stems from what?

A snap judgment based on physical attraction

to a married woman yöu don't know?

But then I researched yöu.

I followed yöu, I spied on yöu, I came to yöur work...

And that snap judgment totally stands!

(PATRONS MURMURING)

(LAUGHTER)

COOPER: Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

There's a section about how he played bass guitar,

uh, but refused to actually learn how.

And we...

can listen to a clip.

(BASS GUITAR PLAYING)

Wow!

- Oh my God! That would drive me insane. - Yeah.

Wait. "Horny In Inappropriate Places." That looks funny.

"Places that make my husband horny...

- My nephew's baptism." - Of course.

"The dealership where we refinanced our Toyota.

- My aunt's funeral." - Ew. Sick.

- Yeah, that's totally sick. - That's seriously messed up.

Keep going.

"His childish refusal to keep his mouth shut and not make a scene."

Wow. Knopf wanted to publish his book.

Really?

"And not only did my husband refuse to make the changes

to his book the largest publisher

in America wanted after a generous advance,

he flew to New York, gave the president of the division

the finger and stormed out.

He published the book locally. Refused to make a single change.

And it died."

Well, I feel for the guy. Not everyone can be Hemingway.

He wasted his life refusing to accept that.

I'll get more wine.

Showing Colette the blog backfired.

- What do yöu mean? - It did. Trust me.

- (THUDDING) - (MAN GRUNTING)

That's twice now, yöu little shit!

Sorry, Mr. Scott!

- Totally an accident! - yöu owe me 50 bucks, bro.

yöu're a fine role model, Coop.

And golf club manager.

My management style's unorthodox.

What's my dad gonna do?

Fire yöu again?

Anyhow,

as I've been saying all along,

what Leo Palamino needs is a shit kicking.

(BALL THUDDING)

No, Coop.

I will not concede the moral high ground to this asshole.

We are adults and adults do not shit kick.

That's exactly it.

LEO: There it was.

In the very window where I'd fantasized, for years,

about having my book.

One final symbolic kick in the nuts.

Not that I let it bother me.

(SHOUTING)

That hurt, yöu little peckers!

yöu just got popped, old man.

And to teach yöu a lesson not to chase another man's wife,

we're gonna stomp yöu, too.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Okay. 'Cause I don't fight kids.

Especially nice kids.

Who are gonna grow up to do amazing things.

Is that sarcasm?

Yeah.

The way yöu're blindly following this dip shit,

I see remedial classes and meth mouth.

(GROANING)

(TRAIN HORN)

(GASPING)

Snow...

Hey...

What are yöu doing?

What are yöu doing here?

I miss yöu so much.

That is my cat! Get yöur vagrant hands off her!

Hey!

I raised that cat. That's my and Julie's cat!

My God, it is yöu.

yöu look rough.

Julie gave Snow to me

before she moved to Malibu.

(SLIDING DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(GROANING)

NEIL: All right, this has to stop!

'Cause yöu just got... yöu just got whooped by an army of children.

yöu are so wrong.

When I fought for Poojah, it got messy,

but it was all worth it.

Even...

after she died.

Hey, don't look like that!

It makes me happy to talk about her.

She's still with me.

In Ravi and Pia.

Having her

was worth losing her.

Sometimes yöu just know.

I love yöu, Mandeep!

(CHEERING)

I can't believe Julie broke yöur guitar.

She didn't. It got stolen.

- Nah! - No.

It's on the blog. She broke it,

then put it in a dumpster behind Jamba Juice.

- Yeah. - Ah!

I loved that guitar!

(CHEERING)

She's a horrible woman.

But I love yöu guys.

Oh.

- What? - What? What's up?

- Tell him! - No!

Okay! All right, okay. There's a section on the blog

where Julie talks about all the dumb stuff yöu did when yöu were drunk.

Like on yöur honeymoon in Paris, when yöu pooped yöurself.

I had heat stroke!

But it was mostly just how yöu get emotional all the time and say I love yöu.

Usually to Neil and I.

So someone started a drinking game.

- How's it work? - It's very simple. They go into a pub.

If yöu're in the pub, yöu're drinking, and yöu say,

"I love yöu," then they drink.

- Leo, no. Come on. - No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no! No.

yöu're assholes! yöu know that?

But I love yöu.

(GRUMBLING)

(SIGHING)

(ITEMS FALLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: It's Julie. Leave a message.

(BEEPING)

I saw Snow.

I let yöu take her in case yöu got lonely out there.

yöu know, I mistakenly thought yöu had some...

God! Tiny bit of heart left.

And they were a couple!

And yöu,

yöu punished them for our mistakes.

And yöu, uh...

yöu're just a nasty person.

(CRASHING)

Sean Cooper's telling everyone he and his friends beat up Leo.

Maybe someone needs to convince them he's a badass mofo.

(BELL RINGING)

Do yöu smell curry?

yöu beat up Leo Palamino.

- yöu should know who he is. - Yeah?

- Who is he? - Our dealer.

yöu name it. Baby Bhang. Lumber. Bambalacha.

We blow a stick of moocah with him all the time.

He has a greenhouse in his house

where he grows it.

yöu don't mess with someone whose been booting the gong.

They can overreact.

- He didn't react at all last night. - Spring the giggle,

- yöur reflexes get slow. - But he'll hit yöu back. Trust me.

I'm gonna blow the roof off a Colorado cocktail before social studies.

Spark it up, but don't Bogart it.

What was that?

Kingsley!

I told yöu not to sell him any more tickets, Kingsley!

yöu're my front line of defense against this idiot!

I know. But he got beat up.

Also, I slept with him last year.

Sol might be a sort of

compromised front line of defense.

Great at oral.

- Didn't ask. - But yöu wanted to.

And I'm not talking about a little booty kiss to say "I'm a giver, let's ball."

Thanks for calling me, Cooper.

I thought yöu'd want to see him.

yöu look rough, pal.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Is he a polar bear? - No. A ghost bear.

A black bear with a rare recessive gene.

They survived only because the Kitasoo Indians

in the Great Bear rainforest, the only place in the world

they live, think they're magic.

So they protect them.

He's a long way from home.

That bear... is proof of the impossible.

- A moment? - That's right.

Couched in wildlife trivia

and a rare animal sighting.

yöu know, I've pitied him long enough.

Finally. Let's have some fun!

What does he have we can take?

Therein lies the problem.

Didn't yöu say yöu represent

the management company who owns his house?

Yeah, but to evict, yöu gotta give him 60 days unless he's broken the lease.

Hey!

- Hey, Sean. - Hey, what's up, bro?

yöu didn't tell me he's a drug dealer, dick!

- What? - These dorks at school told me.

He even has a greenhouse.

yöu don't say.

(KNOCKING)

Officer. Prettier of the Troys.

Fuck yöu, dishwasher.

Mr. Palamino, do yöu have marijuana on the premises?

Uh, one plant. For my cat's arthritis.

- Is this a joke to yöu? - No, it helps him a lot.

- Right, Balls? - yöur cat's name is Balls?

With arthritis, shouldn't that be swollen Balls?

Yeah, joint pain, hilarious.

I don't know what this is, but I don't want to be a part of it.

Just lose the plant.

I probably won't. Just being honest.

And I probably won't give a shit.

(LAUGHING)

- yöu sure got me. - Yeah. Actually, I did.

yöu admitted to an officer of the law to drugs on the premises.

That's a violation of yöur lease.

Which gives yöu 24 hours to vacate, asshole.

Have a great day.

yöu sure there's enough room?

Room? There's lots of room! Pia wants yöu to have her bed.

Stay as long as yöu like.

Okay.

So. Hey, man.

This is just going to be for a couple nights. Okay?

At least yöu don't have to worry about getting beat up anymore.

Why's that?

Because we told them yöu were a drug dealer.

Thanks, Ravi.

During Prohibition,

that river bank was the drop off for black market whiskey.

LEO: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Why'd yöu steal the newspaper?

(LAUGHS)

I took pity on yöu and let yöu come on the tour. Don't wear it out.

- yöur little 'fuck yöu' to the man? - I forgot to pay.

Like yöu do every day?

Change of plans, folks.

Behind me yöu'll see a set of stairs.

There's a view up there that is well worth the climb.

- What about him? - He's afraid of heights.

Pathetic, isn't it?

There's a hilarious chapter about it in a book I'm reading.

LEO: "In my early twenties,

I thought Leo's blanket distrust of anyone with authority

was the mark of an original mind."

Okay. "I thought his strongly held views,

always firmly on the side of the underdog,

were the expression of something pure and true.

Then I came to see that, more often than not,

Leo's muddled politics...

were expressed in drunken rants

about sport hunters,

the Christian Right and wars

he knew little to nothing about."

Hey, how 'bout we take a break from the out loud reading?

Did yöu really make her have sex at her aunt's funeral?

I did not make her...

Why do yöu... She didn't even like that aunt.

yöu guys don't understand what it's like

to read a person's thoughts,

so well organized in chapters with witty asides...

as she falls out of love with yöu.

yöu know the worst part?

Colette.

She read it all, too.

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

His wife has written the book...

(SIGHING)

yöur hushed tone?

I'd bring it down a few decibels.

And yes, I'm him.

Yes, I make snap judgments.

Yes, I walked from a publishing deal.

Yes, one very humid day

after way too much sangria,

I shit myself in Paris!

What?

Hey, man. Heads up!

What are yöu doing?

Same as yöu. Staring at my daughter's huge house.

She won't return my calls.

Hey, yöu know, somewhere in my back seat I think I have

a $300 bottle of scotch.

I told Colette I thought what yöu did

at the wedding was romantic.

And that's why she's not talking to me.

I'm afraid I've made her fear the romantic, unlikely dreamers.

With yöur crazy grand gestures.

A terrible thing in life to avoid completely.

- I'm glad yöu weighed in. - No, I shouldn't have.

Yeah. What yöu did was obnoxious, selfish,

superficial as hell.

But it took balls.

And I was high at a very dull party.

What do yöu have against Danny?

It's not what I have against him. No.

My point was, wait.

yöu don't know a person's character until the chips are down.

And I'm pretty sure

the chips have never really been down for Danny.

And what the hell kind of a name for a camp is 'Awesome Times'?

- Awesome Times. - A little on point, perhaps?

Well, if I were 20 years yöunger,

and not in a committed polyamorous relationship

with some people in Anchorage, I would... I'd fuck ya.

That is the nicest thing the mother of anyone I've loved

has ever said.

And yöu're really giving up on my daughter?

Just because she read a bestseller yöur ex wrote?

yöu would understand if someone wrote one

about everything wrong with yöu.

And it was funny. And well observed.

My ex husband, the asshole who broke my heart,

no, eviscerated my heart,

when he was in the field reporting on some African dictator,

he would focus on proving just one of the dictator's claims wrong.

Because if yöu can disprove

one thing a person in power says,

people will question everything else they say.

Just a thought.

I'm gonna do that.

yöu have a crippling fear of heights. yöu can't even watch my wife do it.

That's the point, my little friend. Transcend that.

I will blow Julie's book, blog...

It's a multi platform phenomenon, is what it is.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's a publishing term. - I will prove it wrong.

For Colette. And for me.

I just have to condition myself to altitude.

A..ha! Ha..ha!

Ooh. (WHIMPERING)

I think this is totally gonna work.

(WHIMPERING)

MAN ON TV: The idea behind hang gliding is simple.

A shift of the center of gravity to one side, that wing drops

and a turn that way.

For the landing, push out.

That stalls the kite and yöu're down.

JILL: yöu're just gonna do a quick run.

I have to be at the gallery by four.

Garnet's sneaking out of a fundraiser for Danny Hart's camp

to look at a painting I'm stalled on.

Well! Isn't that nice of him.

The fundraiser's a big deal, so it is nice of him.

Let's go! I gotta go.

- Let's do this! - Okay.

- Are yöu good? Are yöu good? - Yeah, we're good.

- Easy. - Are we gonna run now?

- Hey, how are ya? - Fine.

- Heads up. - Whoa!

Paint, draw, glue stuff, I don't care.

This is not a class.

What are yöu painting?

I call it Knight Fight.

yöu must have been a real dork in school, huh?

yöu have no idea.

Kids...

My manipulative mother, who thinks I won't be able

to ignore her in front of yöu, who is wrong.

yöu're disturbing them.

And on their special day.

Now that's manipulative.

That's how yöu do it.

Okay. Let's, let's make stuff, guys.

I was... I was out of line at yöur wedding and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I miss yöu.

And I gave birth to yöu, so yöu owe me.

yöu drive all night?

Yeah.

Okay. Let's put it behind us.

Yeah.

Oh! Let's have an awesome time!

Was that facetious?

Of course not.

(SCOFFING)

NEIL: yöu know, yöu can back out, dude.

- We'll never judge yöu for it. - No.

I have to do this.

Where's this fundraiser?

- Oh, it's at the Hart Ranch. - Good to go.

No. Don't yöu even think it. Leo!

Leo! No, Leo! No!

No, no, no, no. No! Don't, Leo! Stop!

No, no! No, no, no!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can I borrow these?

Holy shit! Danny?

It's the dishwasher!

Holy shit!

Jesus Christ!

Isn't he afraid of heights?

(SHOUTING)

- Ooh. - (LEO SHOUTING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

(SNIFFING)

Oh, my God!

Hey.

The only good thing about this place is the Jell O.

- And the Percodan. - I'll get yöu some more.

- Percodan? - Jell O.

- yöu want a bite? - I'm good.

Sorry I broke the Troys.

(SIGHING)

Jesus.

Look at yöu.

Why the hell did yöu do it?

To show yöu

that one thing Julie said isn't true.

That I could get over my fear of heights.

A fear which is

very much back, by the way.

yöu know, I...

I hate that yöu read all those things she wrote.

Some things she calls wrong don't seem wrong to me.

I don't think yöu were wrong to walk from a publishing deal

because yöu didn't agree with their changes.

God, I wish I could be that sure of myself.

Why do yöu steal newspapers?

yöur ex would say that it's a...

a product of futile antiestablishment urges.

Me, flailing at corporate America.

But their coffee is so expensive.

And the way they double cup? It's so wasteful.

So every day I steal a dollar.

My little 'fuck yöu' to the man.

But this isn't gonna end how yöu want it to.

Good bye, Leo.

(SIGHING)

LEO: Writing, and the pursuit of a woman,

like any impossible dream,

are not about immediate results.

They're about telling the truth,

no matter how absurd or embarrassing,

or what injuries yöu sustain.

And hoping like hell she'll hear yöu.

(LAUGHING)

He's... he's awful.

Does he do that thing where he just talks and talks...

Hey, Debrugan!

Sometimes a prick is a prick, and it needs to be said.

At a brunch? In front of an entire restaurant?

Not everything is an opportunity to take a stand.

What is one? For yöu?

I mean, between all the back slapping and the 'hey man', who'd have the time?

Sorry I don't occupy the special place of moral purity

from which to cast my pious judgments, better known as a dish pit.

(LAUGHING)

What... what the hell does this have to do with him?

Because it's what yöu're thinking.

We need to talk.

(DISHES CLANKING)

yöur pal in there, Mandeep.

My firm did the paperwork for this place

when they wanted a guest worker visa to bring in a cook.

Okay. What I've done has nothing to do with him.

It's so sad.

These poor bastards.

They get told by these recruiting agencies to come,

work an entry level job and get a work permit.

But it's all bullshit.

And yöu can be damn sure they're not gonna get one

if they're too scared to contact Immigration

when those visas ran out.

Two years ago.

If yöu ever say another single word to my wife,

yöur friend and his kids are going back to whatever shithole

in Bangalore they came from.

Comprende, dishwasher?

yöu okay?

Hmm? Yeah. Fine.

(SHOUTING)

(SIGHING)

(BALLS GRUMBLING)

What do yöu think, buddy?

What else can life take from us?

(BALLS GRUMBLING, RUSTLING)

(SIGHING)

What are yöu doing here?

I have a few days off the book tour.

I thought I'd bring Snow home.

- Snow? - yöu're right about the cats, Leo.

They should be together.

(LAUGHING) Oh,

Always had shitty timing, Jules.

(JULIE SIGHING)

I wonder if I hadn't separated them

if the bear would have got him?

Probably not.

Snow's a scrapper.

Aren't yöu, old girl?

(GRUMBLING)

Yeah.

I read yöur book.

- Really? - I can't believe yöu broke my guitar.

I can't believe yöu couldn't learn one song.

Sure, they're hanging her paintings.

And yöu know what they're also doing?

They're laughing at inside jokes, and developing a shorthand.

Screw it. I'm going in!

Neil, yöu have nothing to worry about. Neil!

Neil, Neil, Neil! Nothing good will come from yöu going in there. Trust me!

- Said by a man who listens to no one. - yöu're right.

Said by a man who should start.

yöu were right.

I should have trusted yöu.

About my book.

yöu're a good editor. I wore yöu down.

I let yöu down.

I dug in my heels instead of listening to yöur suggestions.

Which were good.

All right, well, yöu couldn't see it at the time. That's okay.

But yöu did.

yöu had faith in me, man.

I should have had faith in yöu back.

To listen. And Julie was right, it's my worst flaw.

Which I will work on.

If yöu have faith in me on this and do not go in there.

- Okay. - Okay?

Hey!

Can I talk to yöu for a minute?

How's Leo?

- He's fine. - Good.

Can yöu say hi to him for me?

He sleeps in our room, so yeah, we could probably hook that up.

Thanks, guys.

- Hey, Colette! Wait up! - Colette! Hold on! Wait!

yöu need to know something.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey, babe.

I know what yöu threatened Leo with.

I knew he'd play this for sympathy.

No, he honored yöur deal.

He didn't tell me anything.

yöu've never been on the outside of anything, have yöu?

(SCOFFING)

When yöu noticed me, Danny,

yöu cast a warmth on me I'd never felt before.

And those first months were perfect.

What do yöu mean, 'were?'

I mean I think I spent so long thinking there was something wrong with me

because I was never on the inside...

that I never thought about what being there...

always being there, does to a person.

- Being where? - Safe. Perfectly safe.

Surrounded by yöur boys

and yöur history here and yöur father's reputation.

- Okay, I am the one wronged here! - Yes. yöu were.

- So I took a stand against this asshole. - A stand?

Danny, taking a stand has to hurt. Or make yöu look like a fool or...

What yöu did was easy.

And that is not a stand.

I don't belong here...

and we both know it.

All right.

This isn't happening. No, not about him.

I'm not gonna run into his arms, if that's what yöu mean.

But it is about him.

About all that he is that makes what yöu're not so clear.

What, a loser?

A guy who scrubs pots for a living?

A guy whose own wife couldn't stand him? Hmm?

We're all wrong for someone, Danny.

Oh, shit.

LEO: Jill had used those way too intimate

pictures of Neil on her phone for something more...

profound than foreplay.

- (CHUCKLING) - yöu are a fine piece of art.

- yöu can't consult yöur muse. - They are amazing.

And I am an idiot.

yöu really are, an idiot.

Who inspires me every day.

- Leo. - Julie.

- Uh, this is Chad. Leo. - Hey, Chad.

Hon, can yöu just give us a minute? Okay.

Did yöu ever think we'd be standing in a room

full of vaguely abstracted images of Neil's junk?

(LAUGHING)

Is it so surprising, though?

There's always been something seriously wrong with them.

Exactly.

yöu know, the right kind of wrong, for each other.

It's kind of what we weren't.

yöu're a good writer, Jules.

Thank yöu.

From yöu that means a lot.

And I should've climbed mountains for yöu.

I did a lot wrong, too.

Maybe I didn't

stress that enough in the blog.

Or the book.

I'll try in the movie.

- Oh, there's gonna be a movie? - Yeah. Cool, huh?

- Mmm. - And speaking of,

I actually have an idea about those copies of yöur novel, I...

COLETTE: Hey!

Do yöu know that woman?

Uh, what were yöu saying? About my novel?

Hi. Julie. I'm Colette.

It's a great book.

Total load of crap, but funny.

Thank yöu.

I'll, um,

I'll leave yöu two.

I'm sorry, Colette.

I, um, shouldn't have pursued yöu so shamelessly.

I don't...

I don't even know yöu.

- Really? - I have to go.

- So... - I left Danny.

And if Mandeep gets a call from Immigration,

he knows I'll take half the house in the divorce.

Danny... loves that house.

Do yöu know what got me?

It wasn't yöur willingness to humiliate yöurself...

or all the injuries.

It was that after all that, yöu would walk away.

There's something in yöu,

some hard,

good little kernel of something.

Corn?

It's the only thing I know that comes in kernels.

Dude, there is nothing good about corn.

Only the Mayans knew how to digest that shit. But yöu?

yöu try telling Monsanto that in threatening letters,

they will send dudes to yöur house.

- Have yöu been drinking? - Since three.

Do yöu want to

go find an inappropriate place to make out?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Ah. Where were yöu last night?

(CHUCKLING)

Come here!

Thank yöu. Thank yöu.

- What if she's yöur Poojah? - Yeah.

- What are yöu talking about? - yöu made sweet love to her?

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Are yöu sure we should be doing this?

- yöu're really drunk. - Shut up.

- yöu're really drunk. - Shut up!

- LEO: Okay. - COLETTE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We talked. It was nice.

Colette!

- I don't know why yöu're... - No, no!

Thanks to yöu, I am gonna be 30, man!

- It's a great age! - I'm gonna be divorced.

My God! My cups are never gonna match again!

(GRUNTING)

God! Do yöu think yöu should keep drinking?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

yöu okay?

- (DUCKS QUACKING) - (KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DOOR OPENS)

They're lovely. Thanks.

And I'm a really bad drinker.

A little aggressive, maybe.

- I've been to Paris. - I haven't, actually.

My mom sent it to me.

Oh, yeah.

yöu have been there.

Oh.

I had heatstroke.

I'm not the best drinker, either.

For yöu.

That's really sweet.

For yöu.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry about last night.

Bruises heal.

Leo, I left Danny because of yöu.

Not for yöu.

Isn't that kind of the same thing?

I went to the art gallery because I wanted to tell yöu

how noble I thought yöu were when he wasn't.

But what happened after...

It's been a tough time,

and I think I just needed to blow off a little steam.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's... I get it.

Yeah, we've all done it.

But next time yöu try to lose yöurself

in some trauma inducing sexual encounter,

just make sure the guy isn't in love with yöu.

See yöu around, Colette.

(BOTH CHATTERING)

LEO: That summer, three seemingly impossible,

beautiful things happened.

(ANIMAL GRUMBLING)

The first...

Balls came out of the woods, healthier than ever.

JULIE ON TV: which is what I want.

LEO: The second impossible thing began with Julie's rounds

on the talk shows to promote Why yöu Suck, the movie.

Leo was the most stubborn guy. And a terrible guitar player.

But the novel he wrote,

"Sex and Sunsets",

muddled, but intriguing.

"Sex and Sunsets?"

Interesting.

Really? All of them?

Yeah. Amazon ordered way more than we had. Julie was right.

Her just mentioning it made it sell.

We're going into a second printing!

The third impossible thing being

the death of the Big Horn Honker.

Writing and the pursuit of a woman

are never about immediate results.

COLETTE READING: What they are about is telling the truth.

And hoping like hell she'll hear yöu.

LEO: I'd like to think I've evolved.

But I'll always say,

some snap judgments are true.

Because yöu have to be a dick to drive a Hummer.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

LEO: Hey.

- yöu're really out of breath. - Just getting some exercise.

What are yöu doing here?

There was a white bear spotted on a trail north of town.

And I wondered if

yöu wanted to look for him with me.

I know a trail that should get us there

without too bad a climb.

I know it's inappropriate...

but I want yöu, Leo Palamino.

Right here.

- Come on! Stay with me. - BOY: Nice view.

Oh.

The beauty of nature will surprise yöu

if yöu look and listen.

- Nature's great! - Awesome.

(GIGGLING, CHATTER)

That really is awesome.

This way!