Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

# NO DOUBT: Just A Girl #

Harrogate, please put your hands together and welcome to the stage,

me, Maisie Adam!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(INAUDIBLE)

Yeah!

Yes, Harrogate!

Thank you!

Yeah!

(WHISTLING)

Nice.

Ohhh!

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much for coming to this.

I really, really appreciate it. Are you well?

(CHEERING) Buzzin'. Buzzin'.

Thank you so much for coming to this. I really, really appreciate it.

I mean, first of all, what a fit theatre we've got, eh?(LAUGHTER)

Well, I had to do it in this theatre, I was delighted to do it.

I think I've been to every panto here.

It's a delight to be doing my special here.

Oh my word, we've got people in the box!

We've got the cast of Loose Women in! Hello. How are ya?(LAUGHTER)

This is exciting. Do you know, I said,

when I was like, "I don't know where to do my special",

I wanted a vibe of, erm...

sort of, the Royal Variety meets Loose Women.

(LAUGHTER) This is exciting.

How are you guys? You alright?

You got the box. You got the posh seats, man.

What's your name on the right here?

Casey. Casey? Nice to meet you, Casey.

This is what I love about going on tour, right?

You finally get to realise what your audience is, OK?

Cos normally you're on line up shows

or doing tours booked for other people.

When you go on tour, you meet YOUR actual audience.

So this is exciting. I wanna know the kind of people

who book the box for Maisie Adam's gig!(LAUGHTER)

Right, so we've got Casey. Who's next to you?

ALL: Jo. Jo.

Vicky. Vicky.

And Vicky. Vicky and Vicky?

We've got two Vickys? A Vick-i. (LAUGHTER)

Lovely. How exciting. So, Casey, you from Harrogate?

Yeah, yeah. Lovely. What do you do, Casey?

I'm a carer. You're a carer?

Thank you for that comedy black hole, Casey.

(LAUGHTER) Really...

Really appreciate that. Yep.

Now, Casey's clever cos what Casey's done there is

she's clocked that I'm starting to do a little bit of crowd work,

and maybe I might even take the mick a little bit.

And Casey's gone, "You wanna play a game, knobhead? Let's go."

(LAUGHTER) Let's go.

That's, erm... That's amazing. Er, wow. Phenomenal.

Thank you so much for coming, Casey.

(SLOWLY) Er, what's- what's your favourite... old person?

Erm... (LAUGHTER)

Who do you care for?

Your grandma!

My grandma?! (FAINT CHEERING)

Fuck off. Do you actually?!

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

I did not think, two minutes in, this would be happening.

Oh my God, the amount of prep

that's gone into recording my special, and I've been like,

"What's your name?" And you're like, "Actually,

I look after your Grandma, so watch yourself."(LAUGHTER)

Oh, so you come in and check in on Muriel?

Lovely! Erm, thank you.

Erm... (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)

Wow. This is-

This is gonna be tricky next time I'm staying at Granny's now,

and you come in, and I'm like, "Hi, Casey."(LAUGHTER)

(AWKWARDLY) What's your name? What do you do? Erm... Lovely.

Oh, well, thank you very much. So you're with St Margaret's?

I am, yeah. Amazing. Wow.

What a turn of events that was. (LAUGHTER)

Phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Erm, I notice, though, that I did ask your favourite old person,

and you didn't say Muriel, so I will be passing that on.(LAUGHTER)

But thank you for coming, Casey. So you're with your mum, Vicky?

Hello, Vicky. Vicky number one. Nice to meet you.

What do you do, Vicky?

I'm the manager. You're the-

(LAUGHTER)

You're the manager of St Margaret's. Lovely.

This is the issue when you do your special in your hometown, innit?

You're gonna know them. You're gonna know-

"What's your name? Oh, you taught me PE. Never mind."

(LAUGHTER)

Er, OK. So you're the manager of St Margaret's? Lovely.

And then Vicky number two and Jo, are you St Margaret's 'n all?

I'm her assistant. Oh, my God!

(LAUGHTER) Seriously?!

I'm your granny's favourite. You're Granny's favourite?

(LAUGHTER)

I think she does like Apu cos he puts the cricket on for her.

(LAUGHTER)

See?

Apu, you in?

Nah, he's working. He's working. (LAUGHTER)

Oh, well, lovely. Thank you so much for getting the box.

That's amazing. I really, really appreciate it.

Give it up for the St Margaret's lot! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Lovely.

It's such a pleasure to be here, genuinely.

As I said, this theatre means a lot to me, I'm delighted to be here.

Thank you for coming out and being here for my special.

I know you're gonna be a good crowd.

I've got very good at clocking a good crowd early on in a gig, right?

And I can tell already you lot are a good crowd.

The same way, Harrogate, I've got very good at clocking a shit one. OK?

(LAUGHTER) No, I have. I have.

I've got very good at clocking a bad crowd because earlier in the year...

I was very excited when it happened.

But earlier in the year I got booked for some gigs abroad, right?

Yeah, I was very, very excited.

I got booked for some gigs in Sweden.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Now, I was very, very excited because, like,

Sweden consistently gets voted one of the happiest countries in the world.

Doesn't it? It's always top of those lists of, like,

happiest places to live, happiest people.

I thought, "God, they're gonna be great.

They'll have a right good sense of humour.

Me and Sweden, we're gonna get on like that.

We're gonna get on like a house on fire, me and Sweden."

Erm, I should just double check before I tell this story...

(LAUGHTER) Have we got any Swedish people in?

Brilliant. Fuck 'em!

Honestly... (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Because as I say, I thought they were gonna be a right laugh.

I thought they were gonna be really good.

I don't know how to describe to you guys the Swedish sense of humour.

Erm, but what I would say is

they are very concerned with the factual accuracy...

(LAUGHTER) ..of what it is that you have to say.

So I was there for three nights.

The gig was on the second night

and I thought I'd start my set

with a true story of something that happened

on the first night when I was in Sweden, right? I thought,

"Get 'em on board with a little bit of local, they'll love that."

And I came out, I said, "You know, I was on the bus last night."

And immediately, a bloke from like over here

just shot his hand up and went, "Which bus?"

(LAUGHTER)

I was like, "Really sorry, sir. I can't remember exactly

which bus it was, but I was on a bus last night.

Then a woman from over here shot her hand up, and went,

"But why did you take the bus,

when the train is cleaner and more efficient?!

(LAUGHTER) Yeah.

And the whole audience was looking at me, like I'M the knobhead, right?

(LAUGHTER) It was so difficult to, like,

get them on board, to warm 'em up, to loosen 'em up, right?

And eventually they did. They started to relax.

They started to enjoy themselves.

But my God, they made it hard work.

But they did eventually start to loosen up.

And I actually ended my set on quite a big laugh,

which I was chuffed to bits with,

because, as I say, they'd not half made me graft for it.

But it got a nice big laugh.

And I saw this bloke in the middle, a few seats back,

in the middle, completely different

to where the other two that had piped up earlier were sat,

just on his own in the middle, a few seats back,

and he was really laughing.

So I just went, "Oh, you liked that, sir, didn't ya?"

And he just went... (LOW CHUCKLE) "Yes, because it's correct."

Like, that's... (LAUGHTER)

That's what you're dealing with sometimes, OK, Harrogate?

So already, you lot, sensational. Thank you.

Erm, I've called this show Appraisal, right?

Because, erm, I've sort of decided

to make this show a kind of appraisal of how I think I'm doing,

both with my work life, home life, the lot.

I've been very lucky to get to call this job,

my dream job, my professional job,

i.e. no other, sort of, sources of income,

no little side hustles, for five years now.

So I figured I was due an appraisal, right?

So that's what I thought I'd do.

I'd fill you in on what I've been up to.

I guess the main headline of the last year of what I've been up to

is that I got married in this last year.

(CHEERING) Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I did it myself. Erm... (LAUGHTER)

No, it was- Do you know what? I don't want to be a melt.

I don't want to be a melty, sort of, cliche.

But truthfully, genuinely, it was the absolute best day of my life, right?

It was absolutely amazing. I just loved it.

I loved it because it was just a beautiful day,

we had gorgeous weather

and you're just surrounded by everyone that you think the world of.

It's absolutely wonderful.

The only thing... (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

The only thing that maybe, perhaps,

looking back, I wasn't quite prepared for when I got married

was just how soon after you get married

everybody starts asking you

when you're gonna have a baby, right? (LAUGHTER)

Literally, like, the moment the rings were on the fingers, that was it,

"Go on, have a baby. Have a baby. Everybody else is having a baby.

Hurry up and have a baby. Go on, have a baby. Have a baby now.

You don't even know if you can have babies,

I'd start trying now if I was you.

"Go on, have a baby, have a baby, have a baby."

We were like, "Vicar, we haven't left the church."(LAUGHTER)

It was a lot! Do you know what I mean? It was a lot!

If you haven't experienced this,

if there's anyone here that hasn't sort of, experienced this, like,

constant, overwhelming pressure from seemingly everyone around you

asking when you're gonna start a family,

erm, I've thought of an analogy for you.

So imagine, if you will, Harrogate,

imagine that you have gone out for a really lovely meal, OK?

You've gone out for a really lovely dinner.

And that main course has been

everything you wanted it to be and more. It's been sensational.

You've loved every single bite.

And the moment you finish that last bite,

and the moment you put that fork back on the plate,

the moment it touches the plate,

imagine the waiter is there over your shoulder,

"Do you want pudding? Have a pudding. Everybody else is having pudding

Go on, have a pudding now. Hurry up and have a pudding.

You don't even know if you can have puddings.

I'd start trying now for a pudding if I was you.

Go on, have a pudding.

Did you know, if you have a pudding over 35, it's a geriatric pudding?

Go on, have a pudding. Have a pudding.

Go on, have a pudding now before your parents DIE.

Have a pudding, have a pudding, have a pudding."

And basically, Harrogate, I think I might be full.

(LAUGHTER) Do you know what I mean?

Truthfully, that is genuinely how I feel

about whether or not I want kids. I sort of think...

It's the same feeling of when I'm not really sure if I want a pudding.

When people ask me, I think,

"Oh, I dunno. Bring the menu over. I'll have a look."

(LAUGHTER) Do you know what I mean?

You know, if my friend has one, I'll have one.(LAUGHTER)

In fact, that's the ideal scenario, isn't it?

That's the ideal scenario is that my friend has a baby

and I have overbite of theirs.

(LAUGHTER)

In fact, you just help me work it out. That's what I'm gonna do.

After this gig, that's what I'll do. I'll ring my best friend Steph,

and I'll be like, "Go on, Steph, have a baby. Go on, have a baby.

Everybody else is having a baby. Go on, have a baby."

And occasionally, I'll stick me fork in.(LAUGHTER)

Know what I mean? It's not that I don't like babies.

I wanna make that absolutely clear.

If there's any new parents in here, I totally get it, right?

I totally get that it's the biggest, most important thing in your life.

It's the miracle of life, isn't it? It's wonderful. I get that.

I think I just struggle with how in your face it is now,

both people asking you when you're gonna have a baby,

but also people who've had babies being like,

"Look at my baby. I've had a baby." (LAUGHTER)

I tell you the way it presents itself to me, cos I'm 30, right?

I've got some friends who are having babies like no tomorrow.

But I've also got friends

who couldn't be less interested in having kids.

And the way this, sort of, presents itself is, erm...

The best example I can give you is,

you know when, like, you get a WhatsApp through,

If I get a WhatsApp from one of my friends

and I can see that they've sent me, in quick succession,

seven pictures or videos...

..it is a 50-50 chance of either that is gonna be

seven pictures or videos of the same baby,

doing, let's be honest, the same thing.(LAUGHTER)

Or it's gonna be seven memes. (LAUGHTER)

And I'll be honest, Harrogate, I prefer the memes.

(CHEERING) Do you know? Yeah, I do.

Even if it's a meme that I've seen hundreds of times,

even if it's a meme that everyone's...

even if it's one of those videos

that has been doing the rounds on the Internet for years now,

is probably still likely to bring me more joy than these pictures.

I know that might sound harsh.

But genuinely, given the choice of, like, either,

you know, a 20-second long clip of baby Alfie learning to smile...

..or that clip of that Australian bloke

who got arrested outside a Chinese restaurant, and he's there going,

"What's the charge? Eating a meal, a succulent Chinese meal?"

(LAUGHTER) That, every time. Know what I mean?

Like, give me the option of either a 10-second clip

of baby Alfie learning to clap,

or that 5-second clip of Jeremy Corbyn

accidentally high-fiving Emily Thornberry in the tit...

(LAUGHTER) That, every time! Every time.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah! Yeah.

Do you know what I mean, though?

Like a video of baby Alfie saying his first words,

Baby Alfie learning to speak for the first time...

OR that video of that bloke on Come Dine With Me

who lost and did not take it well...

(LAUGHTER) He's winning every time! You know?

Unless baby Alfie's first words were,

"Dear Lord, what a sad little life, Jane"...

(LAUGHTER) ..I'm not really invested.

I'm not. Do you know what I mean?

It's just how many pictures you get through,

all the time, whether you've asked for them or not.

I'm gonna say something quite controversial here, Harrogate.

But hear me out. OK? This is genuinely how I feel.

It might shock some of you, but this is truthfully how I feel.

I think babies are a little bit like...

dick pics.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

In that...

too many people are sending them unsolicited.

(LAUGHTER)

And I just think if you're gonna send somebody

a picture of what is, let's be honest, in both cases,

a lump of flesh... (LAUGHTER)

..I think that you should have to ask for consent first. Know what I mean?

And even if you get the consent, even if you get consent...

And even if that person replies to the picture

with a little heart eyes emoji,

it still does not mean that when they see it in real life,

they're gonna wanna spend the whole evening playing with it, OK?

(LAUGHTER) Some of you on board.

Some of you still a little hesitant about the baby-dick pic analogy.

But trust me, listen, I reckon I can get you on board with this, OK?

At the end of the day, both of 'em look weirder in person.

(LAUGHTER)

Both of 'em, the owner always thinks they're more beautiful than they are.

(LAUGHTER)

And some of 'em really smell.

(LOUD LAUGHTER) Right, thank you. Yeah.

I got you on board there. Nice.

(APPLAUSE)

I think, as well, it's the amount of information you get about a baby now.

Now it's a whole Facebook status with every single detail about the baby.

You get the name, you get all seven of their middle names!

Nobody has one middle name anymore!

Do you remember it used to be fancy to have a middle name?

Now people have like seven.

You read some of these newborns' names,

and it's like reciting Mambo No. 5!

(LAUGHTER) It's mad.

They've got- You get their name, you get all their middle names,

you get their thoughts on the Oasis reunion...(LAUGHTER)

You do. You get what time they were born,

whether they were early, whether they were late,

how long the mum was pushing for!

Why do I need to know that?!

Why do I need to know how long a girl I sat next to in Year 9 Maths

was pushing something out of her vag for? Why?(LAUGHTER)

And the weirdest bit for me,

the weirdest bit that I find sort of strange

is the weight, the weight of the baby.

I've never understood why you need to tell people the weight of a baby.

I find it a very strange thing to do.

You know these statuses that I'm talking about.

They always start the same way, they'll say things like, erm,

"Welcome to the world, baby Jessica."

You are loved already more than you could possibly ever know."

(LAUGHTER)

"You came a little earlier than expected..."

(LAUGHTER) "..at 5:27 this morning,

weighing just 6lb2."

If you don't think that last bit's weird...

Genuinely if there's mums here who don't think that last bit's weird,

I challenge you to put the same status on Jessica's 21st birthday.

(LAUGHTER)

Not normal then, is it? It's cruel if anything.(LAUGHTER)

Imagine your mum put a status like that on Facebook on your 21st.

"Oh, happy birthday to our eldest, Jessica.

We're so proud of the young woman you've become...

Kind, caring, fiercely creative,

ever so intelligent,

and weighing in at 16 stone!"

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

It's so weird! (APPLAUSE)

It's so weird.

I don't like that it's one rule for one, one for all...

I think if you're gonna have it on the first birthday,

you gotta have it every birthday from then on.

You know, if we're having it at birth,

I think we've gotta have it at death as well.

Yeah! I want funerals declaring it.

I want all I want crying grandkids

going up, doing a eulogy, going,

"Nan was larger than life..."

(LAUGHTER)

"..and most women her age..." (LAUGHTER)

"..which is probably why we're here a little earlier than expected."

(LAUGHTER) Do you know what I mean?

It's bizarre to me. It's bizarre!

I think it's bizarre as well, because I don't really ever think,

like, if we're being truthfully honest here, Harrogate,

I think I find it quite strange because...

And don't get me wrong, there's always outliers.

I'm aware of that. There's always exceptions to the rule.

But I think I find it quite strange, because by and large,

most babies, pretty much the same size, aren't they?

No, they are. Most babies pretty much the same.

Most babies pretty much that big.

(LAUGHTER) Right? Most babies pretty much that.

But I wanted to make sure that this show

was factually correct, OK, before I went on tour.

So I rang up my friend Lucy, she's a midwife.

I wanted to make sure that this show is factually correct,

So I rang her up, I said, "Lucy, just answer me this one question.

I wanna make sure that I'm only speaking facts when I'm on stage.

Have you ever delivered a six-foot baby?"

She said no. You can't argue with science!

(LAUGHTER)

Most babies, pretty much that big, OK?

You know, when lads post a picture with a fish?

(LAUGHTER) You know the ones I mean. Yeah.

Yeah, it's a bit of an ick, in't it?

But you know the pictures I mean?

Where they go fishing and then they hold the fish in both hands.

You know them pictures?

I-I at least understand why they do that.

Because some fish in the world

are little minnows, aren't they? They're about that big.

And some fish in the world are great white sharks!

So it's vaguely remarkable

when you get what's considered to be a large fish.

If the size of your baby is that remarkable,

I think you should have to do it like the fish photos.

(LAUGHTER) You know?

I wanna see mums in the maternity wards

just stood there with their baby, like...

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

Dressed head to toe in camo, just...

(LAUGHTER)

..with a caption like, "This one was worth the wait."

(LAUGHTER) Know what I mean?

I think, as well, if we're being really truthful, let's be honest,

The weight is never... it's never so big, is it?

Like, I've never been passed a newborn baby to hold

and been reminded to bend with the knees.

(LAUGHTER) You know what I mean?

And even when it is a remarkably big baby-

Even when there is a baby that is remarkably big.

Let's be honest here, Harrogate. We're all friends, let's be honest.

It's never about the baby, is it?

When we hear about a big baby, our thoughts don't go to the baby.

(LAUGHTER) No, exactly. No, they don't.

When we hear about a big baby, we never go,

"Wow! Maybe they'll become a rugby player."

No. We go, "Thoughts and prayers for the mother's fanny."

Every time! (LAUGHTER)

I know this! I know this.

I was a big baby. I was 10.5lb.

AUDIENCE: Oooh! Yeah. Yeah.

It gets that response every single time.

Gets that response every single time.

And the reason I know that it's never about the baby

is when my mum tells people that I was 10.5lb,

it gets that response, and then people never turn to me and go,

"Wow, Maisie. That explains your long legs."

No! They look at my mum like she's Captain Tom.

(LAUGHTER)

They put her in for a Pride of Britain award every year, right?

It's mad. Basically what I'm getting at

is I don't think it should ever be normal

to proudly, publicly declare the weight

of anything that has passed through your body.

(LIGHT LAUGHTER, BUILDS)

Well, again! I don't like

that it's one rule for one, one rule for the other.

How come it's touching when a mum posts it on Facebook about her baby?

Yet, if I came out going, "Cor, four-pounder in the loo"...

(LAUGHTER) I mean...

"Came a little earlier than expected."(LAUGHTER)

I had a coffee before the show, what am I like?

You know, be a bit crude. I'm ever so sorry if that's too crude

for this point in the show. (LAUGHTER)

I'm personally quite a big fan of detail.

I'm sorry if that was too much detail,

but I'm a big fan of detail myself. Always have been.

I think detail is very important in comedy, actually.

It's why I like to chat to the audience before a show.

I think the more I know about you, the more you know about me,

the better we're all gonna get on, right?

I think not just in comedy, actually, in life,

the more detail we know about each other, the better it's going to be.

I love detail, mainly because about ten years ago,

genuinely, I once snogged a bloke

purely because I thought he said he was a barrister from Rotterdam,

and not, as it turned out, a barista from Rotherham.

So... (LOUD LAUGHTER)

I'm a fan of detail, OK?

(CHUCKLES)

All this to say, though,

I don't think we'll be having kids anytime soon.

As you've probably been able to gather,

I don't really have the broody feelings, OK?

I know we won't be having kids anytime soon on a scientific level

because I am on a contraceptive called the coil.

(FAINT GROAN)

Yep, that's exactly the sort of response that it deserves.

(LAUGHTER) No, it's absolutely fair enough.

That is absolutely the response it deserves, a sort of confused silence,

because it's a medical marvel is the coil.

It's absolutely fantastic. It's a medical marvel.

But it needs a rebrand, doesn't it? (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

It does. That name is mingin', in't it?

Just to say it! When you tell people, "I'm on the coil,"

it doesn't sound nice to say out loud! "I'm on the coil."

When you tell people, "I'm on the coil,"

they think you've got a slinky in your womb.

(LAUGHTER) It's not nice.

Sometimes, as well, it's called the copper coil.

Copper coil! Like it's been welded in there by a man from the north east!

(LAUGHTER) Not good, is it? Not good.

But it is a medical marvel. It's fantastic.

I'll defend it all the time. I think it's wonderful, the coil.

It's 99% effective! Did you know this?

99% effec-

99%! 99! (LAUGHTER)

Those are phenomenal odds! That's incredible.

99% effective.

You can have sex 100 times,

and 99 of them, you'll be grand.

(LAUGHTER) They're good odds, aren't they?

But then I tallied up how many times me and my fella have had sex,

and we're on 98. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah. So now we've taken a vow of celibacy

because now it's 50-50. And what am I, an idiot?

No, thank you. (LAUGHTER)

I like that joke 'cause it's a few of you going, "Good joke!"

And the rest of you going, "You thick bint."

(LOUD LAUGHTER) And I like that.

I like that. (CHUCKLES)

Also just a quick, like, public service announcement

for anybody else that might be on the coil here.

Did you know that it's now, erm... valid, I guess is the word,

for eight years, not five, did you know that?

Right, so it used to be five. I got mine five years ago,

and was told, "Yep, five years."

So I went back recently to get it, erm...

(CHUCKLES) I was about to say "refurbished".

(LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES)

Re- Re- Re... Refit- Refitted?

No, that makes it sound like fibre optic broadband.(LAUGHTER)

Re- Re- Renewed? Re...

What is it? What do you get? Re... WOMAN: Replaced!

Replaced! Thank you!

Replaced, yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Not refurbished. I went to go get it replaced

'cause I was told five years ago, "Good for five years."

Went in recently to get it replaced.

And the nurse, she just went,

"Oh, no, no. It's eight years now. You've got three more years."

And I was like, "Really?" She went, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

And I just had to... trust her. (LAUGHTER)

'Cause at the end of the day, she's a medical professional and I'm not.

But it didn't feel wholly reassuring.

Like, she didn't show me, I don't know, a certificate,

or like, any medical evidence.

I just didn't feel- You know, I trusted her, but didn't feel...

Do you know what it felt like?

It felt like, you know when your mum sniffs milk?

Like, "No, that's alright." (LAUGHTER)

You know? Like, you wanna trust it, but you're not sure.

Essentially, this woman had sniffed my womb and gone,

"No, three more years, you'll be reet."

(LAUGHTER)I just didn't feel wholly reassured by it.

So, er, no. No, no kids anytime soon.

I think as well, it's the fact

I don't relate to a lot of what new mums say.

In fact, not even do I just not relate,

I don't understand it on a fundamental level.

Some of the stuff they say, I literally do not understand.

They say things that really don't make sense to me.

I tell you the one that confuses me the most, they say things like,

"Oh, Maisie. I'll tell you what's really hard...

Tell you what's really hard is watching your kids grow up.

That's the hardest bit, watching your kids grow up."

And every time they say it, I think,

"That can't have been a surprise."

(LAUGHTER) Know what I mean?

Like, that's what we've been doing for hundreds of years now as humans.

We're born small, we get big.

Ask my cousin Lucy, no one's born six foot.(LAUGHTER)

Everybody's born small, and then we grow, right?

And also, the behaviour corresponds with the growth, doesn't it?

We're born naked, tiny.

We can't speak, we can't walk. And then we grow up.

We get bigger in size and we learn these skills, right?

So it corresponds with what you're seeing.

I'll tell you what's harder. Genuinely, I believe this.

I'll tell you what's harder than watching your kids grow up,

watching your parents grow up.

(LAUGHTER) That's hard.

Because they've always been adults, ever since you were a kid.

They've been adults the whole time they've been in your life.

They've always been adults.

And then even when you yourself become an adult, they're still adult.

They look the same as they always have when you've been growing up.

But just suddenly... Suddenly, they just change overnight.

They go from being these, like,

all-knowing fountains of knowledge, oracles of wisdom, right?

There's not a question

that they don't know the answer to when you're growing up.

And then suddenly, you just wake up one day, and all of a sudden,

they are two people who wear far too much fleece

and communicate exclusively in the wrong emojis.

(LAUGHTER) Genuinely, I checked my phone,

my dad had send me a text saying, "Have a good gig tonight, darling"

with the flag of North Macedonia and the spanner emoji.

What?! (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) What the... It's mad!

'Cause I don't know when they decide to do it.

I don't know when they decide to do it.

I don't know if they, sort of, have a chat about it beforehand.

I don't know if they wait to clock

that you yourselves have become adults.

I don't know. Like, in my case,

I don't know if they just looked at me and my brother,

clocked we were both adults and went,

"Yeah, I reckon, love, if you're up for it,

I reckon, starting tomorrow, yeah?

Starting tomorrow, we can just become thick as pig shit..."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

"..and share conspiracy videos on Facebook."(LAUGHTER)

"What do you reckon?" Like, it's mad!

My dad used to come out with really wise stuff when I was a kid.

My dad used to used to know all the answers to every question.

He used to come out with really good, sound advice.

I'll tell you something he always told me when I was a kid,

it's always stuck with me, right?

He always used to say to me, "Maisie, remember this...

Yes, it's nice to be important,

but it is more important to be nice.

It's good, in't it?

(CHEERING) Yeah, it's good, sound advice.

Yeah, it's real, it's true. It sticks with you. It's profound.

Now, he comes out with stuff like,

"Pfft, I suppose my phone's got pronouns n' all, has it?"

(LOUD LAUGHTER) (HIGH-PITCHED) What?!

(HIGH-PITCHED) What?!

I didn't know where to begin with that one.

Also, just FYI, like,

we weren't halfway through a chat about gender identity. No, no, no.

We were two-thirds of the way through the film Saving Private Ryan.

(LAUGHTER)Just silence, then that out of nowhere.

And I didn't know what to say.

If you're interested in what I did say to him,

I said, "Honestly, Dad, I don't know. I don't know.

Truth be told, I don't know if your phone's got pronouns.

But seeing as you keep your phone

in what every man your age keeps his phone in,

which is a fake leather, foldable phone case...

(LAUGHTER)

..that contains both your phone, all of your bank cards,

and a little piece of paper with all your passwords written on it...

(LAUGHTER)

..I would say that misgendering Siri is the least of your troubles, Phil.

(LAUGHTER)

Don't think I haven't seen them phone cases tonight, by the way.

I've seen 'em. I've seen 'em!

There's a little camera on the side of the stage, right,

that sort of shows the audience,

so that we know everyone's got back to their seats.

So I like to watch it when everyone's coming in.

I've done every tour show so far, and they've all been the same.

Everybody finds their seats, and then certain men of a certain age,

what they like to do is they like to get into their seats

and then they like to take a photo of the stage...

(LAUGHTER) And, er... these phone cases,

they just, one by one, they're up in the air.

They're all- There's just a sea of these, they're flapping about!

Flapping about like the flags at Glastonbury,

just a sea of 'em, right? (LAUGHTER)

They're up there for so long! I'm watching at the side on the camera,

and these blokes are just there, going....

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I love it! I love it.

They're up there for so long, I'm watching from the side like,

"You must've taken it by now, man. You must've taken it by now."

And eventually they do go down and I'm thinking,

"Nope, there's still almost a certainty that he's gonna get home,

and it's absolutely gonna be a selfie of his nostrils.

(LAUGHTER) 100%. 100%. (CHUCKLES)

I love it. I love it.

So my parents have changed quite a bit, whereas my friends...

My friends have stayed the exact same.

My friends are the exact same young-hearted, young-minded,

idiotic lunatics that I went to school with, right?

They're still very sort of childlike in their ways.

It's just their contexts that have changed, just the context's changed.

Like, they've got grown up jobs now,

you know, proper jobs with real grown up job titles.

We all went out for drinks the other day, me and my school lot,

and one of 'em had had a job promotion.

Susanna had, and I said, "Oh, that's amazing, Susanna."

Like, "What's the job title?"

We all got a round in for her, we were celebrating her.

I said, "That's amazing, Susanna. What's the job title?"

Do you know what she said? She said "Head of Strategy".

Head of Strategy. That's grown up, innit?

Head of Strategy!

I've seen Susanna piss in a bowl of pot pourri...

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

..at a house party because the queue for the toilet was too long.

(LAUGHTER) Susanna is many things.

Strategic she is not, right? (LAUGHTER)

I couldn't believe it. And don't get me wrong,

there is always one person in every friendship group who does grow up.

There is always one. Ours is Jess.

Jess has grown up. She's- She's gone fully...

In fact, she's just skipped adulthood and gone straight to OAP, has Jess.

(LAUGHTER) No, last year...

She was the first and only one to get on the property ladder, right?

And she got this gaff with her fella.

And we all walked round it, we all went to go visit.

I mean, we were walking around this house as if we'd all bought it.

We're going round, "Oh, this is lovely, Jess, this.

Yeah. I'll sleep here. We can put a bar there.

Get some fairy lights up, it'll be great for parties."

Then she gathered us all together. She went,

"Come with me. You haven't seen the best bit yet.

Follow me into the garden.

We've been ever so lucky this year.

The wisteria has bloomed twice."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

We just looked at her. We couldn't believe it!

Just looked at her, going, "We've all seen you snort ket off an earring"

Where's that girl gone? (LAUGHTER)

Where's that girl gone?

It's amazing. She's very into her wellness now, is Jess.

She's very into wellness. She's one of these.

So for example, I live in Brighton.

And she loves this, she loves that I live in Brighton.

Every time she comes and visits, she says the same thing.

She says, "Oh, Maisie! If I lived here,

gosh, I'd be in the cold water every morning.

I'd be in the sea, every morning.

It's really good for you. Really good for your endorphins, Maisie.

Get in there, really look after endorphins.

If I lived here, I'd be in the sea every single morning.

Get in the sea, Maisie, it's so good for you.

Get those endorphins flowing.

It's really good for your endorphins. I'd get in the sea every morning.

I love the sea. I'd love to get in the sea."

She says it so often I wanna tell her to get in the sea.

She says it all the time, right?

I have lived in Brighton for six years, Harrogate.

I have not been in that sea once. (LAUGHTER)

And I'll tell you for why.

The sea, and indeed the rivers, of this country

are only ever spoken about by two groups of people.

And it's either wellness wankers like Jess going,

"Oh, get in there. It's so good for your endorphins!"

Or it's water experts on the news going,

"There's a lot of poo in there." (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) Do you know what I mean?

Yeah! And I just know who I'd rather listen to.

There are not enough endorphins in the world

to make me happy about swimming in poo.

And I don't think that should be a mad thing to say!

I don't! I don't get it. I don't get it, right?

I also think this...

I think it's a little bit of a class thing.

Because Brighton's quite a middle class place.

It's quite a middle class town, full of middle class people

who I think, therefore, think that it's middle class water.

(LIGHT LAUGHTER) No, they do! They do, genuinely!

They think because we're middle class people in a middle class town,

it's middle class water that we're swimming in,

forgetting that it's the same water that surrounds

this tiny little island that we all live on, right?

Yet, for some reason, if Tabatha in Brighton goes for dip in the sea,

she's looking after her wellness.

She's practising wellness, getting those endorphins going.

She's looking after her mental health.

If Derek in Grimsby... (LAUGHTER)

..gets in the water...

Derek's had a breakdown.

(LOUD LAUGHTER) Know what I mean?

Nobody's stood in the harbour, are they, at Grimsby,

watching him tread water going,

"Derek's looking after his mental health."

(LAUGHTER) No! No!

Derek's wife's left him, that's what's happened.

(LAUGHTER) And do you know why she's left?

'Cause he thinks of poo!

(LAUGHTER)

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Don't get me wrong, I love living in Brighton.

I'm very, very happy there. I adore it.

It's a wonderful city. It's very artistic.

It's very creative. It's very open. I'm very, very happy there.

But my God, is it also full of stupid people.(LAUGHTER)

No, there is. Stupid middle class people as well.

Stupid middle class, the worst kind.

Are you aware that Brighton does this thing where its full name

is Brighton and Hove? Do you know that?

Yeah. Nowhere else in the country feels the need to do that, do they?

Say the actual place and somewhere that's just a bit to the left.

(LAUGHTER) Right? 'Cause let me tell you now,

Hove is in Brighton. It's all the same thing.

The only people that think that Hove is separate

are the people that live in Hove. But it's all...

Brighton's that small, everything's in it. OK? Everything is in Brighton.

Nowhere else feels the need to do that,

say its name and somewhere a bit to left.

Like, I haven't gone, "Oh, I've got a gig tonight in Harrogate and Jennyfield."

It doesn't happen! (LAUGHTER)

It doesn't happen, right?

But it's really- it's a really strange thing.

And all the Brighton people feel the same about this.

As I say, only Hove people think it's different.

But everybody from Brighton feels the same about it.

And I was doing a gig recently in Brighton.

I was MCing, so it was just my job to chat to the audience,

and then bring the acts on.

And I got chatting to this woman on the front row,

I said, "You from Brighton, madam?"

And she laughed! She laughed, a sort of smug laugh,

that suggested she was from some far off land,

somewhere interesting, do you know what I mean?

She went, "Oh, no, no. No."

So I said, "Oh, right, where are you from?"

She went, "Hove. I'm from Hove, actually. Yeah, I'm from Hove."

And of course, everybody else laughed at her.

I rinsed her for a bit about how it's all the same place.

We carried on with the rest of the night. I thought that was it.

I got home that evening, I looked at my phone.

She'd DMed me. AUDIENCE: Ooohh!

She'd messaged me on Instagram, right?

And I could just see the start of the message

cos I hadn't unlocked my phone yet.

But the start of it, it was all in capitals.

All in capitals. And it started with,

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW..."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

Harrogate, I was so excited. (LAUGHTER)

Do you know what? I actually put my phone down,

went and got into my nice pyjamas, made a cup of tea.(LAUGHTER)

I wanted to be ready, you know, I wanted to enjoy it.

So I got into bed in my nice pyjamas with my cup of tea,

and I was like, "Right, I'm gonna read this."

I opened it, and this is what she'd put...

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW,

BRIGHTON AND HOVE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PLACES

WITH TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IDENTITIES AND CULTURES."

AUDIENCE: Oooooh.

I thought, "Ooh, wow." Yeah!

I thought, "Wow, she feels really strongly about this.

She feels very strongly about this.

What could I reply? What should I reply?"

I needn't have worried, Harrogate.

Because soon enough, the three little dots appeared.

She was coming back for seconds.

(MUNCHING) Yeah! (LAUGHTER)

She was typing away for a while,

and I thought, "What could possibly be coming here?"

As those three little dots were wibbling away, I thought,

"What could she possibly be following this up with?"

Harrogate, nothing could've prepared me

for the sheer stupidity that followed, right?

Three little dots wibbling away,

and then all of a sudden, there it was.

She followed it up with...

"You wouldn't say that about China and Japan."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE, GROANING)

I thought "You're right, love.

I fuckin' wouldn't!" (LOUD LAUGHTER)

Honestly, absolutely mad.

I wanna be clear, as well...

I love Jess, even though she's got into wellness.

Even though she's into wellness now, I absolutely love her to pieces.

All my friends are absolutely fantastic, I love 'em to pieces.

I'm at that very exciting point now in my life

where I'm meeting my friends' friends.

I meeting my mates' mates, right?

because at the moment, as I say, 30 years old,

a lot of my other friends, they're doing things like hen dos, weddings.

With all of this, you meet your friends' friends, don't you?

You meet your mates' mates.

You didn't realise that they had friends that aren't you.

They've got other friendship groups, right?

And you have to meet these people in a WhatsApp group for the hen do,

having never met them, you have nothing in common with them,

except for the fact you're friends with the same person they are.

That's the only thing you have and you get put into a WhatsApp.

I've had four hen dos this year.

Four hen do WhatsApp groups.

Four hen dos, three weddings.

We'll get to that in a second. Very juicy.(LAUGHTER)

Very, very juicy. Very, very juicy.

Four hen dos,

and they've all got mad WhatsApp group names, haven't they?

So this year, we've had Hennageddon...(LAUGHTER)

We've had Let Me Hentertain You... (LAUGHTER)

Er, we've had Henter From Behind, that was a raucous one.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

Well, no. You think that's bad? You think that's bad?

See if you can read between the lines with this WhatsApp group name.

This WhatsApp group was just called Cock, Cock, Cock.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

That was the one where the bride to be,

erm, did something on her hen do,

which meant that the wedding was called off.

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, no.

It's actually quite a sad day when a WhatsApp group is renamed

from Cock, Cock, Cock to Tracy's Support Network.

(LOUD LAUGHTER) Erm...

But it is, it's amazing to be put into a WhatsApp group

with all these girls that you've never met,

all these people that you've never met.

And as I say, the only thing you've got in common

is that you know the bride. That's the only thing.

You've never met them, and you get put into a WhatsApp group.

It's mad, isn't it? I think it's just a real indication, actually,

of where we're at with technology now. It's amazing!

Because thanks to that technology now, putting you in a WhatsApp group

with people you've never even met, that you don't even know,

thanks to that technology, you can now

hate someone before you've even met them.(LAUGHTER)

In't that amazing? In't that amazing? It's phenomenal.

Like, I've got a bottomless brunch in three weekends' time,

and I already know Claire's a prick.

(LAUGHTER) No, she is.

No, she is. She is. No.

Who takes seven weeks to transfer £12.50? What's she planning at?

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

Also, I know I can say it, right?

I know I can say it because I went for a drink recently

with the bride to be from this WhatsApp group.

We go for a curry every year. That's our thing.

We go for a curry and a catch up, right?

We go to the same curry house, our favourite one,

and we just have a catch up, right?

And we were there, we were sort of chatting away.

And my friend, she went, "So how's the WhatsApp group going?

How are all the hens getting on?"

I said, "Yeah, great. Everyone seems delightful."

(LAUGHTER) Erm...

"It's just really fun being in the WhatsApp group,

really fun waking up to 72 notifications every morning."

(LAUGHTER) "Love that. Really enjoying it."

And then of course, as the evening went on, we had a few beers,

and my friend she got a little bit loose-lipped.

And suddenly she leant in, she went,

(SLURRING) "Mais, Mais. Can I be honest with you? Can I be honest?

I fucking hate Claire."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

I was like, "Really?! No way! Why?" (LAUGHTER)

She said, "She's really negative, really negative.

She's always bringing other people down.

She's never got anything nice to say.

I don't like her, I don't even want her there."

I said, "Well, why is she coming?"

She says, "I have to have her. I have to have her."

I said, "Why do you have to have her?"

She said, "Well, it's his sister. It's his sister."

(AUDIENCE GROANING) Exactly!

I said, "Just because something exists

doesn't mean you have to have it, OK?

Something existing doesn't mean you have to have it."

I said, "Look at that menu.

That menu is the reason we come here every single year,

because it's got everything, right? It's got whatever you want.

You've got Jalfrezi, you've got Vindaloo,

You've got Madras, Korma, Butter Chicken.

You've got the peshwari naan, the plain naan.

You've got the garlic naan, the cheese naan.

You've got all of the rices, basmati rice, plain rice.

You've got everything!

All the mango chutneys, all the lime pickles.

And then right at the bottom you've got omelette.

Claire is a fuckin' omelette."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Yeah.

You don't have to have the omelette, guys!

You don't have to have the omelette.

Honestly, I said in that curry house, "Claire's a fuckin' omelette,"

and it was easily, by far,

the bitchiest thing I've ever said. (LAUGHTER)

I felt like I put feminism back 50 years when I said it.

It was awful! (LAUGHTER)

But they are amazing, my friends.

Also, I'm very aware that I've put them through

this whole hen do ordeal. I'm aware that I've done that.

Obviously, I got married last year. I had a hen do.

And I didn't know if everybody was gonna, sort of, gel

because there was a mixed bag of groups, you know?

The group was a bit of a mixed bag.

Not everybody knew each other

and they were just thrust into this WhatsApp group together.

There was 20 people on my hen do. 20 people.

We got a cottage in the middle of nowhere,

and we were there for the weekend, it was great.

But again, not everybody knew each other.

I put 'em in this WhatsApp group and didn't know how they were gonna gel.

I didn't know how wild and raucous the hen do was gonna be,

because as I say, it's a mixed bag. We had wisteria Jess,

but we also had Tracy from Cock, Cock, Cock in there.

(LAUGHTER)

So, you know, I didn't know how wild it was gonna get.

I didn't know raucous it was going to be.

Basically what I'm getting at, Harrogate, is I didn't know

if there was gonna be, like, a stripper.

Do you know what I mean? I didn't know.

And we got there on the Friday, we were partying late into the night.

It must've been 3, 4 o'clock in the morning when we called it a night.

I thought, "Brilliant, no stripper." Next day rolls around.

There's brilliant activities through the day we're all having fun with,

all these games, all these quizzes, great food.

And then again, partying into the night.

We've got all the lights off, music blaring.

Gets to midnight, 1AM, 2AM, I'm thinking,

"Brilliant, no stripper. I've got away with it."

Then suddenly, the lights all go on, the music cuts out.

And my friend Liv, she comes running over to me.

She can't even say this sentence for giggling, OK?

She comes running over to me. She's like...

(GIGGLING) "Maisie, Maisie, Maisie. We've, erm, had a noise complaint.

And, erm, the police are here." (GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, right.

You see how you lot just clocked what that means? Yeah.

There's me going, "Oh, people in Brighton can be really stupid."

I can be stupid, right.

I was there going, "Really? I'd best go sort it out."

So I went over to the front door, I answered it.

There WAS a police officer there.

There was a police officer there. He was wearing sunglasses.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

And it's three in the morning.

That didn't register as strange with me.

I thought, "Yep, that's a man of the law."(LAUGHTER)

I said, "I'm ever so sorry, officer.

I understand there's been a complaint.

Erm, we'll turn the music down. I'd hate to annoy the neighbours."

He said, "Are you the bride?"

I said, "Yes, yes. I take full responsibility. It's my party.

I'd hate to, you know, cause an upset."

There's no sort of police vehicle behind him, you know?

Just a 2012 Vauxhall Astra.

I thought... (LOUD LAUGHTER)

I thought, "Yeah, that's legit. That's fine."

(LAUGHTER) He then, er, took his sunglasses off

in a way that, let's be honest, only strippers do.(LAUGHTER)

He went, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No."

(LAUGHTER)

"Are you Maisie?"

And this knobhead thought,

"He's seen Have I Got News For You."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

What a tit.

I was- I was... I went full...

I was like, "Yes, it's me.

But I'd really appreciate if we can just keep this,

you know, on the down low. I'd hate for this to get out."

I went full Justin Timberlake, "This is gonna ruin the tour."

Right? (LAUGHTER)

I was like, "I'm really sorry,

but I'd really appreciate a bit of discretion here."

I didn't clock that he maybe,

could've, perhaps, possibly, been a stripper

until he put me over his shoulders

and carried me into the cottage!

And even then, ten percent of my thick brain was going,

"This is heavy handed, I'm not sure about this."(LAUGHTER)

How long could that have gone on for?

How long could that- I reckon that could've gone

all the way to me sat in a chair with his knob in my face...

"What's your badge number?"

Licking cream off his chest, "Who's your commanding officer?"

(LAUGHTER)

Don't get me wrong, I'd have still licked the cream

'cause I like cream and I don't like waste, but...(LAUGHTER)

I wouldn't have been happy about it, know what I mean?(LAUGHTER)

I'm really glad I'm still with the people I went to school with, right?

'Cause as I say, they've not changed, only their contexts have changed.

They've- They've got the grown up...

The same way I can't believe that they've got grown up jobs,

they can't believe that this is my job, right?

They can't believe that this is a proper job.

They can't believe that this is my job.

I cannot believe that this is my job.

Maybe some of you cannot believe that this is my...(LAUGHTER)

Believe you me, Sweden could not believe...(LAUGHTER)

..that this was my job, right?

But it does blow my mind.

I feel very, very grateful to get to do my dream job every day.

I feel like the luckiest kid in the world.

And obviously, I don't, sort of, wanna sound braggy,

but this is an appraisal, as I said.

So I'm, sort of, trying to think of how I think I'm doing,

how this last, sort of, year's been going.

And I would say, again, I hope this doesn't come across as braggy,

but this last year in particular has been pretty good for me, Harrogate.

In fact, like, I'm not really meant to be saying this on stage,

but I think if we could just keep it secret amongst us.

I recently found out this year

that I've got my very first Netflix special, right?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! I'm buzzing. Thank you.

Yeah, thank you. I'm the voiceover of a documentary...

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

..called Costco: Secrets of the Cash and Carry.

Come on! (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

Yeah! There we go. Yes! (APPLAUSE)

Absolutely. You lot, you're lucky you're seeing me tonight

'cause trust me, Hollywood's coming knocking now.(LAUGHTER)

I think that's the perfect indication of where I'm at with my career,

'cause technically I've got a Netflix credit,

but it's for being the voice of a Costco documentary.

Know what I mean? I think that's the perfect indication.

And I'm alright, I know that when you've got this as a voice,

that's the sort of work you're gonna get.

This is a Costco voice, isn't it? (LAUGHTER)

This is a Costco voice. No, I'm fine with that.

Like, I'm never gonna replace Attenborough, am I?

No, that's not gonna happen.

Nobody's ever tuning into Planet Earth to hear me going,

"Fuckin' ell, look at that monkey!"

(LAUGHTER) It's not happening!

It's not happening. And I'm OK with that.

I'm alright with that, man.

I think it's actually good to have indicators

of how you're doing, where you're at with your job.

Right? I think that's a good thing.

I had the most obvious one quite recently, actually.

In fact, maybe some of you saw this

About three weeks ago. I was...

I'll paint a picture of where I was when I discovered it.

I was getting ready for a gig in Stockport.

I was getting ready in the hotel room, and I thought,

whilst I'm getting ready, I'll flick the telly on.

And it was the teatime quiz show Pointless, right?

And I was an answer on Pointless! Right?

Yeah, so this is it.

I'm well known enough to be an answer on Pointless.

However, Harrogate, I am unknown enough

to be a Pointless answer.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That's the level.

I say this with my whole heart, right?

'Cause as I say, you are an absolute dream of an audience.

I cannot thank you enough. I think you're wonderful.

I say this with my whole heart. I pray with every fibre of my being

that none of you lot tonight here at Harrogate Theatre,

nobody here ever has to go through the sheer humiliation

that was being sat on the end of a bed in a Travelodge in Stockport,

watching the telly as a couple from Doncaster

are shown a picture of your face,

and it's just a minute of them going,

"Pffft. Not a clue."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

"Not a clue. No. No." (CHUCKLES) Right?

To sort of give you a bit of context, the round on Pointless

was people who were on game shows before they were famous, right?

And VERY long story short,

12 years ago, I think it was, when I was still a student at university,

erm, I went on...

It was long before I'd even thought about being a stand-up comedian.

But 12 years ago, when I was still at university, I went on The Chase.

OK? Yeah. (CHEERING)

How did it go? I took the minus offer and still lost.

(LAUGHTER)

No, shut up! It's really hard when you're there!

No, it is. It's really hard 'cause the lights are like dead bright,

and Bradley Walsh is, like, weirdly attractive in real life.

(LAUGHTER) It's quite distracting.

(CHUCKLES) No, I don't like the judgement

I'm getting here for taking the minus offer, OK?

Do you know what? If you're that clever,

and you're gonna judge me for taking the minus offer,

I'll give you the question that knocked me out of The Chase.

OK? See how clever you are then, Harrogate.

What bird, Harrogate, is on the national flag of Ecuador?

Is it, A, a toucan, B, a pelican, or C, a condor?

AUDIENCE: Condor!

Right, well, good for you.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

You go on The Chase, then!

(LAUGHTER) But it was mortifying, right?

Because on Pointless, there was this grid of faces.

And it was all these people

who had supposedly been on game shows before they were famous.

So, like, Olly Murs was apparently on Deal Or No Deal

before he was a singer.

Meghan Markle, she was one of the box openers on the American version.

Then there was Lady Gaga.

She must've been on something before she was famous.

And then, right, as I say, at the very end, just me.

And I cannot begin to tell you how humiliating...

Just this couple just staring,

for 60 seconds, they were!

The bloke, when my face came up,

the bloke just turned to his wife, and went,

"I wouldn't even know where to begin."

What the f-?! (LAUGHTER)

What does that even mean?

"I wouldn't even know where to begin."

Then his wife went, "I know, love, but we've got 60 seconds,

so we should try and think of something."

He went, "You're right, let's look for clues. Maybe the hair's a clue."

She went, "Perhaps it's a young Rod Stewart."

(SQUEAKS) Rod Stewart! (LAUGHTER)

(SQUEAKS) Rod Stewart?!

She taking the piss? Rod Stewart!

That was three weeks ago, OK?

Three weeks ago.

My family WhatsApp group has not stopped.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

OK? It has not stopped, my family WhatsApp group.

I'm from quite a big family, OK?

There was 22 members in that family WhatsApp group, 22 members.

It used to be called The Adam Family, right?

A nice little pun on our name and the show.

Er, it's now been changed from The Adam Family

to Rod Stewart's Greatest Hits.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

And my own mother... My own mother!

..has changed my name in her phone from Maisie

to Maggie Maisie! (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) Don't clap that!

That's abuse!

Don't clap that!

I've just learnt that me and quiz shows, we don't get on.

Right? I've just got to avoid them at all costs.

If this was a real appraisal,

quiz shows would absolutely be my area to improve on, right?

I just know I shouldn't do them, OK?

The final nail in the coffin came

literally two days before I went on this tour.

I recorded what I think will be my final quiz show.

Do you know the show Michael McIntyre's The Wheel?

Do you know this show? Right, I'd never seen this show,

because it's on Saturday nights and that's when every comedian

is out gigging, right? So I'd never seen it.

If anybody else here hasn't seen the show, let me paint a picture for you.

It's a primetime Saturday night,

evening entertainment gameshow hosted by Michael McIntyre.

Imagine, if you will, a big spinning dance floor, right?

Big spinning dance floor.

And around the spinning dance floor

are sat seven fixed chairs with a celebrity in them.

And it spins around, really bloody fast!

(LAUGHTER) Spins round, right.

And whilst the celebrities are spinning round on this wheel,

on this sort of spinning dance floor,

from within the middle of the wheel, from underground,

up pops, in their own chair, a member of the public.

OK? I've not taken mushrooms.

This is an actual show. (LAUGHTER)

And we're all spinning around this member of the public

until hopefully the wheel stops with you on your specialist subject.

You land, hopefully, on your specialist subject,

which you then answer questions on

to hopefully win that person in the middle,

that member of the public, some money.

Now, to give you an idea,

to give you the context of who I was on with,

and what they had chosen as their specialist subjects.

I was on with Strictly Come Dancing's Oti Mabuse.

Her specialist subject? Dancing.

(LAUGHTER)

I was on with radio presenter Jordan North.

His specialist subject? Radio.

(LAUGHTER)

I was on with actress Tracy-Ann Oberman.

Her specialist subject? Acting.

I was on with notorious East End hardman, Danny Dyer,

and his daughter, Dani Dyer... (LAUGHTER)

..who were sat in the same chair as a team,

and no one mentioned it.

(LAUGHTER)

Their specialist subject? The East End. Right?

Basically, what I'm getting at

is I didn't realise that you could,

and perhaps, with hindsight, should,

pick as your specialist subject what it is that you do.

Right? (LAUGHTER)

So, yeah, when they rang me months ago asking,

"What would you like to do as your specialist subject?"

I didn't say comedy, right?

They rang and said, "What would you like as your specialist subject?"

And I said, "Titanic."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

And I meant the film.

(LAUGHTER)

They thought I meant the general maritime disaster

that was the sinking of the Titanic. (LAUGHTER)

Yes. And when did I discover this little miscommunication?

With ten minutes to go before the record.

Harrogate, I've never known stress like it.

OK? I was in this dressing room,

trying to get into my nice Saturday night outfit,

trying to straighten my hair, touch up my make up,

all with my laptop open on the Wikipedia page of Titanic,

just trying to revise every detail!

I was there, sort of, getting into my nice trousers,

learning its roots, where it set off from, when it sank.

Earlier than expected.

(LAUGHTER)

Its weight: 52,000 tons. (LAUGHTER)

I was there straightening my hair,

revising the menu from the first class restaurant, right?

I was there straightening my fringe,

revising the names of the lads in the band.

I was there going, "Right, so, Percy Taylor was on, er, cello.

Right, OK.

And, er, Jack- Jack Thorn was on, er... violin.

And then Will Duggan was on double..."

(LIKE FISH) "..bass. What the fuck's a double bass?!"

That's how fast the ship sank. Someone just grabbed two fish and joined the band!

Right? (LAUGHTER)

I didn't know HMS was!

I didn't know what HMS was. I thought that was Huge Massive Ship!

It was a nightmare! Nightmare. (LAUGHTER)

Right? 'Cause I'd been preparing for easy questions on the film.

Right? I'd been preparing for questions

that were sort of like, I don't know, you know,

"Jack drew Rose like one of his what?

A, German girls, B, Spanish girls, C, French girls."

Something like that, right?

"The ship crashed into what?

A, a fireberg, B, a gasberg, C, an iceberg."(LAUGHTER)

Do you know what I mean? That sort of thing.

You're laughing, but let me tell you what Danny Dyer, both of 'em...

(LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES)

..had as their question, right?

This was genuinely their question

that they were able to work out as a team, OK?

Bearing in mind their specialist subject, the East End,

this was their question.

"Mince pies is Cockney rhyming slang..."

(LAUGHTER)

"..for which part of the face?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND they got multiple choice.

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, yeah. Mince p-EYES!

Mince PIES is Cockney RHYMING slang

for which part of the face?

Is it A, nose? (LAUGHTER)

Is it B, mouth? (LAUGHTER)

Or is it C, eyes? (LAUGHTER)

Do you know what my question was?

"What was the total crew fatality number?"

(LAUGHTER)

Are you joking? Sorry, sorry.

I was asked about the specific death toll of a specific group of people

on board a specific ship that sank over a hundred years ago.

And Danny Dyer and his daughter were asked, as a team,

"What rhymes with pies?"

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, enjoy that when it goes out. (LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

Listen, if all I've got to do to continue enjoying this

as my favourite job, as my dream job, if I've all I've got to do

is to avoid the quiz shows, I'm happy with that.

'Cause quiz shows are not my favourite bit of this job.

My favourite bit of this job is this right here, OK?

Gigging live to an audience that have come to see you specifically, right?

'Cause I'd spent years being part of comedy line up shows,

where people come for a comedy night, but not to see anyone in particular,

or I'd been tour support for bigger comedians.

And again, no one's come to see you.

So I remember how exciting it was when I realised

I was able to start going on tour and see who MY audience was.

People are coming just to see you.

I was so excited to discover who my audience is.

Turns out, my audience, absolute legends.

Erm, specifically, a lot of the time,

lesbian legends. (CHEERING AND LAUGHTER)

And don't get me wrong, big fan of your work, but...(LAUGHTER)

But it was a little trickier with the last tour

because that tour was my first ever tour

and it was a show all about, you know,

getting ready to marry my now-husband.

It was a show all about falling in love with this bloke,

who I thought was a dog's bollocks, brilliant, how fit and sexy he is.

And I don't know if you've ever, sort of, tried to gig to 350 women,

night after night after night, who are all sat across from you going

"That's fucking disgusting, mate, sorry."(LAUGHTER)

(GAGS) "Sorry, sorry. Carry on.

(GAGS) Sorry, sorry." (LAUGHTER)

"Sorry. No, no, no. Carry on. (GAGS) Sorry.

(GROANS) Sorry, sorry."

What you do in your time's your business,

just don't shove it down our faces, alright?(LAUGHTER)

Essentially, what I've managed to gather is that, erm,

a lot of the women that come and see me on tour are gay women,

though I, myself, am not a gay woman,

which I think, essentially, makes me

the comedy version of the pop star P!nk.

(LAUGHTER)

And as a result, for the next tour,

I've had to learn a heck of a lot of aerial circus!

(LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES)

If you come and see me on the next tour,

it'll just be me, 30 foot in the air, in silks going,

"Good evening, Harrogate!" (LAUGHTER)

But I do love it. I love it. My favourite...

The best bit of advice, the best bit of advice that I got

when I was doing total support for bigger comedians,

they all had the same bit of advice, by the way.

They all said the same thing, and it was this...

It was that you never tell people you're a comedian.

You know, if you get into a taxi and the driver's like, "What do you do?"

Never say that you're a comedian.

If you sit next to somebody at a wedding you don't know very well,

they go, "What do you do for work?"

Never tell them you're a comedian.

Because, Harrogate, if you tell people that you're a comedian,

one of two things happens, OK?

Either they go, "Pfft! Tell us a joke."

(LAUGHTER) Or, worse...

they tell you a joke. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah. And that joke is always, at best,

cheesy Christmas cracker fodder,

and at worst, a legitimate hate crime.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, you would not believe the amount of times a bloke's gone,

"Here y'are. You can have that one."

You're like, "Cheers, Gary. I would, but it's incredibly racist."

(LAUGHTER) Erm, but I don't lie. I don't lie.

I keep it half true. I keep it vague.

I say things like, erm, "Oh, I'm a writer."

Or my favourite one, actually,

my favourite one is I say, "I work in live events."

"I work in live events." It's nice and vague.

It tends not to get any, sort of, further questions.

And it's technically not a lie, is it? This is a live event.

I'm not lying. This is a live event.

So it usually works. It works most of the time.

It works, much like the coil, 99% of the time.

(LAUGHTER) Right?

The last time it let me down, genuinely, was just over a year ago.

It was in August of last year.

I was in Australia at the time for the Women's World Cup.

I'm a huge football fan.

I was so excited to be there. It was an absolute dream.

And I was there for work as well! I felt so lucky.

I couldn't believe it, I was so happy to be there.

I was there for a week, watching the Women's World Cup.

And it was amazing, a brilliant week.

However, something happened when I was there that was so embarrassing.

I'm still quite embarrassed to talk about it.

I'm still quite mortified to say it out loud.

I was there for a week. I was staying in this hotel.

And on the second morning, I had a fall in the shower.

(LIGHT LAUGHTER)

I am too young...

(LAUGHTER)

..to be having a FALL in the shower.

A fall in the shower!

I was 29 at the time of the fall.

Who's having a fall in the shower in their twenties?!

It was mortifying. Having a fall in-

I'm younger than the film The Mask.

OK? Just let it sink in.

I shouldn't be having a fall- I turned 30 in January,

I had a genuine fear that my mates had got me a shower seat for my 30th.

(LAUGHTER) I was mortified!

Who's having a fall in the shower at 29?!

It was so embarrassing.

And it was a proper ten out of ten fall.

Proper arse over tit, slipped like that,

hit the side of my head, cracked my head open, right?

Yeah, passed out, don't remember the fall at all.

But I woke up in Sydney Hospital.

I had this big bandage round me head.

I looked like Mr Bump, and, er... (LAUGHTER)

My husband was there, he was right at the bedside, and he said,

"You're alright, love. You're OK.

Don't worry. You've been really well looked after.

And there's nothing to sort out, I've done all the paperwork,

all the forms, done it all. Name, date of birth, address.

I've even done occupation

'cause I know you don't like to say what it is you actually do.

I says, "Right, what did you put?"

"Well, like you, I kept it vague."

(LIGHT LAUGHTER) I said, "Right. What did you put?"

He said, "Well, you know, like you, I kept it half true."

I said, "Yep. What did you put?"

He put, "evening entertainment"!

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

(SIGHS) Right, precisely. You lot know.

Those are not two words

that conjure up an image of a stand-up comedian, are they?

No. Those are two words that conjure up an image

of a party trick involving ping pong balls...(LAUGHTER)

..that you definitely couldn't show on the BBC, right?

I was mortified. I was like... (STUTTERS) What do you mean?

Evening entertainment? I've seen evening entertainment!

I know what that looks like. What it looks like

is a police officer wearing sunglasses at three in the morning!

I've seen evening entertainment.

But I didn't have enough time to have a go at him

because the nurse was coming over to examine my wound.

She came over. I swear to God, Harrogate, I swear on my life,

these were the words that came out of her mouth.

She walked over, she unwrapped this bandage on my head.

She had a look at this wound and she said,

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) "Wow. That's quite an impressive gash."

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

Precisely. Right? (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER) Yeah, you're ahead of me.

Now, listen, I might tell people that I'm a "writer".

I might tell people that I work in "live events".

But I'm a comedian, so when she said that,

I couldn't resist, right?

She'd laid it open, ready for the taking, right?

Not her gash! The... (LAUGHTER)

The joke! You know what I mean, she'd set me up.

So I had to say something funny back!

She went, "Wow. That's quite an impressive gash."

So I went, "Cheers, love.

If you play your cards right, I'll let you see ma tits later.

(LOUD LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Thank you! Yeah! Thank you!

Thank you, Harrogate.

Yeah, well done.

Well done. Yeah, thank you for laughing. Thank you.

'Cause let me tell you, she did not.

(LAUGHTER)

She- She discharged me immediately, actually, is what she did.

No, she had what could only have been described

as a Swedish response to that joke. (LAUGHTER)

But it is truly, like...

As I say, I keep saying it, but it's the best job in the world.

I feel very lucky to have this. But, Harrogate,

if this really is a real appraisal, I can't just stand here

and talk about the bits of the job that I love.

OK? I have to address the negatives.

I have to address the bits that need work.

And I was trying to think for ages

what it is I don't like about this job.

I was stuck for a while. I couldn't think of anything.

What don't I like about this job?

And then, I landed on it. I landed on it.

And it's a question that I get asked a lot.

I think it's quite a lazy question.

I get asked a lot by journalists, and I find it quite a lazy question.

And it's this - it's...

"What's it like being a woman in comedy?"

Right? And I don't like that question,

because first of all, I think it makes it sound like its own genre.

Like it's its own sort of, you know, lady comedy.

You're a woman comedian, it's not just comedy and a comedian.

It's its own little thing, right?

I think it also... Because it implies that sort of being a woman

would hinder your ability to do it. Know what I mean?

"What's it like being a woman in comedy?" sort of implies a little bit

like you might not be able to do it because you're a woman.

And I've never found that, OK? Like tonight, I've not come out here

and struggled to hold the microphone in my little lady hands, have I?

(LAUGHTER)

I've not synced with the women on the front row,

and there's now a little bloodbath going on.(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, but just watch your shoes.

(LAUGHTER)

You know what I mean? It's a strange question to ask.

And don't get me wrong, I know it comes from a good place,

because probably they see a lot of male-dominated line-ups.

It's a very male-dominated industry. I get that.

I know that that's the reason for asking it.

And I know that we can always...

some of us can be surprised to see a woman doing something

that you consider to be a male-dominated industry.

It happens in comedy.

There's that statistic, isn't there, when we hear the word doctor,

a huge percentage of us just immediately picture a man.

We've all been guilty of it. I've done it. I've been guilty of it.

I've been known to get into an Uber, then seen that the driver is a woman,

and my brain's gone, "Very progressive."

She's driving a car!

(LAUGHTER) What was I expecting?

A sort of pink Fiat 500 rolling round,

with lashes on the lights. Do you know what I mean?

Her husband on speakerphone, giving her the directions.(LAUGHTER)

She can't hold the steering wheel with her little lady hands.

It's ridiculous! It's ridiculous.

Cos the truth is, there's no difference

to being a woman in comedy to being a man in comedy.

Certainly not on stage.

I've done all the same gigs as the blokes. I've done it all.

With hen dos in, with stag dos in, with work Christmas parties,

every heckle you can imagine - I've dealt with it all, OK?

It's no different to being on stage as a woman

as it is to being a man. The differences actually come offstage.

If I was to say that there were any differences,

that I find that maybe my male colleagues don't.

They're all offstage, OK? I would say the main one is,

obviously, this is a job that finishes late.

So often, it's a lot of walking home late on my own,

and that is something that maybe I have to think about

that the lads in this industry don't have to think about as much.

But that's not a woman-in-comedy issue, is it?

That's just a woman issue. It's not just...

There'll be women who work behind a bar who finish late,

women who work night shifts, they'll have to think about it.

So it's not women in comedy, it's just being a woman.

And I do all the things that women are meant to do

when we're walking home on our own, I do all the right things.

I put my big headphones on, but I don't play music.

Yeah, put my big headphones on.

That way, I'm not inviting conversation,

but I'm also aware of my surroundings, right?

It's also fantastic

for listening in to people's conversations on the train.

Oh, you best believe,

if there's a couple having an argument on the train,

you best believe I'm pressing pause on Chaka Khan.

(LAUGHTER) Every time.

But I will maintain the illusion.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, yeah. I'll go full method, I'll maintain, I'll be toe-tapping away.

But inside I'm thinking, "Leave him, Sharon."(LAUGHTER)

I'll be throwing out a click every now and then, going,

"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Do you know what I mean?

I go full method. I'll do a knee slide with a guitar solo, going,

"How can you expect him to respect you if you don't respect yourself?"

(LAUGHTER) I'll do it all.

The second thing I do is when I get off the train,

it's about a 15-minute walk to my flat.

And what I like to do is I wear my big coat and I wear a cap,

so I try not to look as feminine as possible,

wear big coat and a cap and I walk in the road

in the residential streets cos they're quieter,

and the road is better lit than the quiet paths, right?

And I walk in the middle of the road, my big cap and my big coat,

and I walk like a bloke, right? I walk like a man.

Which, as you can see, has mixed results.

(LAUGHTER) Cos apparently,

my impression of a man is the Bee Gees' Staying Alive video.

(LAUGHTER)

It is, I walk home like that, I walk home like this,

and then what happens is I get on to my street - and I don't think

this is just a woman thing, I think this happens to everybody.

I'm walking home all big and blokey, and then I get on to my street,

and I make eye contact with my front door,

and my bladder goes, "Fancy a piss?"

Like... (LAUGHTER)

And I go from sort of the big blokey walk

to essentially, samba-ing my way...

(LAUGHTER)

..to the door, I've got my keys out as well, so they're jangling.

I've gone from trying to attract no attention whatsoever

to basically going, "I'm here if you want to mug me!"

And I couldn't be more vulnerable if I tried.(LAUGHTER)

And then the third thing I do, the third thing I do, Harrogate,

that I think every woman in this room will be able to relate to.

The third thing I do when I'm walking home late at night,

I think every woman will be able to relate to this.

The third thing I do when I'm walking home late at night

is I put the keys in between my fingers.

Yes, that's what we do, girls, isn't it?

We put the keys in between our fingers. We put the keys in our fist.

We're walking home like budget Wolverine, ready for action.

(LAUGHTER) We're ready!

We are ready! We put those keys in between our fists

and we're... yeah, ha-ha, I think I'm ready to go.

That's what I've done, I'm walking round with them in my fist.

I'm there, I'm there. And for some reason...

For some reason, it does... That's what we do.

It gives us a little bit of a confidence boost, doesn't it?

For some reason, we put those keys, we're walking home going,

"Yeah, I think I could fucking have anyone, if they dared.

If they dared." (LAUGHTER)

Every woman here is told to walk with your keys in between the fist.

My question for you, girlies, is, what's the plan?

(LAUGHTER)

No one's ever told us the next step, have they?

Everybody tells us, "Oh, put your keys in between your fist."

And you go, "Yeah, yeah."

Nobody ever says what to do should an attack happen.

I feel like that's the more important bit.

Yet for some reason, we don't really need that information

because they give us the confidence, don't they?

We put four Yale locks in between our little fingers,

and we think, "Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah, I could have anyone.

I'm ready. Yeah, yeah, I could." Sometimes it's not even a key for me.

Sometimes, I'm heading back to a hotel room.

Sometimes, it's just a Travelodge key card in there.

(LAUGHTER) (MIMICS SWIPE) I'm ready, I'm ready.

I'm walking home, and for some reason,

I go from, like, little lady comedian.

When I put those keys in between my fingers,

when I put those keys in between my fingers, I slot them in there.

And for some reason, I suddenly feel like an absolute hardman. I do.

I go from feeling like little innocent lady,

to suddenly, Danny Dyer. I'm Danny Dyer walking, I am!

I've got Danny Dyer in my head, right?

He's walking me through it. He knows the plan.

He's in my head talking me through it. We're ready to go.

That's it, Mais. Now, jab that hand up,

like Swedish nutter with a very specific question.

Now pick him up like a ten-and-a-half pound baby.

Spin him round like the copper fucking coil,

which is 99% effective. (LAUGHTER)

Now drown him in shitty seawater.

Snap him in half like the fucking Titanic.

Two hundred and seventy-seven crew fatalities.

(LAUGHTER) And slash his throat

with a Travelodge keycard. (MIMICS SWIPE)

And stab them fingers... Yeah?

..right in their fucking mince pies! Mince pies!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Yes!

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE) Yes!

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

Weird ending, innit? (LAUGHTER)

Harrogate, I don't even know where to begin.

Thank you so much for this evening.

It has truly been an absolute dream come true to perform this special

here in Harrogate Theatre, I cannot thank you enough.

If you've enjoyed tonight, thank you, I've been Maisie Adam.

If you haven't enjoyed it, I've been Rod Stewart. Good night.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

# ROD STEWART: Do Ya Think I'm Sexy? #

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE)

# She sits alone

# Waiting for suggestions

# He's so nervous

# Avoiding all the questions

# His lips are dry

# Her heart is gently pounding

# Don't you just know

# Exactly what they're thinking?

# If you want my body

# And you think I'm sexy... #

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