All language subtitles for 04 Scary Movie 4 - Comedy 2006 English

04 Scary Movie 4 - Comedy 2006 English

Help! Help!

- Am I dead?
- You're not dead.

You've been taken against your will.

Kobe?

Who is that?

Dr. Phil? What the hell's going on?

I don't know. I was doing a show
on teens with abandonment issues

and suddenly I woke up here.

Man, those kids are gonna be pissed.

Hello, gentlemen.
You don't know me but I know you.

You both play games
with other people for a living.

But today,
you play a game for your lives.

Right now you are both breathing in
a deadly nerve gas.

You have 120 seconds
to reach the antidote

or you die.

Oh, my God! I've gotta get out of here.

Let the game begin.

There.

Hit the metal arm with something.

There.

Damn it!

- Sorry.
- Shaquille,

I'm not angry at you but we are
one minute away from death.

Just shut out the "no" voice.

Own your success.

Just make the damn basket.

- What the hell was that for?
- You hurt my feelings.

Your feelings? To hell with your
feelings. Everybody with their feelings.

"I'm obese." "My kid's a brat."
"Help me, help me."

Just shut up! Why can't I fix anyone?
I'm so dumb and worthless.

Momma was right, Momma was right.

Hey, hey, hey. Pull yourself together.
You're a brilliant doctor.

- Not exactly.
- What?

I just tell people to "get real".

I'm not even a psychologist.

I'm an electrician.

I failed you, Shaq. I failed you.

' 3% van.
' Yes'.!

30 seconds left.

- This'll never work.
- Of course,

he wants us to cut through our feet.

You go first.

Bullshit.

Yeah. You're probably not man enough.

I guess your momma was right.

Never. Who's the coward now, Momma?

Candy from a baby.

- Oh, my God!
- I did it! We're saved.

- What's wrong?
- Wrong foot.

Motherf...

No one believed, in the early years
of the 21st century,

that our world was being watched.

The way a man with a microscope

might scrutinise the creatures
in a drop of water.

Yet across the gulf of space,

a terrible evil
prepared to unleash itself

upon an unsuspecting human race.

You're up early. Come back to bed.

Come on.

Please.

Hello? Hello?

Tom!

Know you missed me. I missed you too.
God, you look great.

I wanted to come by to thank you for
setting up that job interview for me.

This isn't a good time.

I just need something to keep me busy
now that Cody's out of the house.

He just turned 11. I enrolled him
in military school last year.

It's supposed to be a great programme.

Boy, kids, you know,
they just grow up so fast.

So I heard you were dating again.

Knowing you, I bet she's brainy.

- "Quixotic".
- Ninety points!

Your work with the elderly
really inspired me, Tom.

I mean, they have so much to teach us
and we have so much to teach them.

You know, ultimately they really are
just like us. Only older.

Anyway, I'm hoping
that a new career

will help keep
my mind off of bad memories.

I'm sure you have memories too. He's
the kind of person you never forget.

Sometimes I wake up in the night
wondering where he is.

And then I remember.

Know you miss him too
but it's really been hardest on me.

I'm rattling on,
but if you don't vent your emotions

they just well up and burst out. The
harder you try, the harder it all gets.

Until you just can't
shake it off any more.

It's like you're carrying around
this enormous burden.

Sometimes your problems get so big
you can't wrap your head around them.

- And then what do you say to yourself?
- Jesus!

Yes, you can turn to religion,
or family and friends,

but in the end, you're still in agony.

Maybe that's why I want
to become a nurse.

I'm so in tune
with everyone's emotions.

I guess I've always had a knack
for being...

Ryan, go home.
You've been working 16 straight hours.

Come on, I need the overtime.

Don't worry, OK. I'm wide...

Ryan, what are you doing?

That was gold bullion.

Not the monkeys!

Damn it, Tom, what the hell
happened back there?

Come on, Ed,
that could a happened to anyone.

Oh, yeah?
You know what your problem is?

As soon as the going gets tough,
you give up.

- You're right. I quit.
- Ah, you don't get it, do you?

You could be the best,
if only you'd see things through.

- I don't know.
- Give me a break.

What can I tell you, Ed?
I guess I'm no good.

Maybe I just don't have what it takes.

What are you talking about?
You secured that tricky H-500 unit.

Oh, come on, that was easy.

Tom Ryan. Haven't seen you in a while.

Well, I spend every waking minute
of my life operating a crane.

God, I hate my job.

Yo, Tom! Where you been?

- Mahalik.
- CJ, this is my boy Tom Ryan.

We used to work together
down at the docks.

- Tom, how's the family, man?
- You remember Marilyn?

- Your wife. How could I forget?
- She dumped me.

Yeah, I know.
I slept with her a few times.

- What?
- Me too.

You guys talking about Marilyn?
Great lay.

My pops introduced me to her.

Since the divorce
it's like my life has no purpose.

- Half the time, I feel like a zombie.
- Don't joke about zombies.

- That shit is real.
- You know LaShanda on 120th Street?

Yeah.

She told me she heard a zombie
going through her trash.

The next morning,
she turned up missing.

What? OK, back up.
How in the hell do you turn up missing?

Nobody knows where you are
when they realise you ain't there.

- I'm trying to...
- Whoa, so you're telling me

you can appear and disappear
at the same time?

No, you can't do both at the same time.

- The bitch ain't David Copperfield.
- Guys...

No, but you can be gone from one place
and show up somewhere else.

When you turn up, you're never missing.
When you're missing, you never turn up.

Unless you a zombie.

Damn! That's some plausible shit!
You should blog about that.

- I'm gonna put that on Myspace.
- You do it then.

Tom, what you need to do, man,
you need to get away from all this.

- You need to take a break.
- I don't know.

No, he's right, man. You should
come fishing with us one weekend.

Me and Mahalik found this great spot
last summer.

Yeah. Great spot.

Hey.

You cold?

A little bit.

Hey, look, man, I'm not on the down low
or nothing, all right?

Oh, that's cool, man. Me neither.

Hey, what you doing?

Relax.
I'm just trying to grab some nuts.

CJ, what are you doing?

I just wanna eat some penis.

See, peanuts.

I've been alone with you.

Inside my mind.

And in my dreams I've kissed your lips.

A thousand times.

I sometimes see you pass
outside my door.

Hello.

Is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes.

I can see it in your smile.

You're all I ever wanted.

And my arms are open wide.

'Cause you know just what to say.

And you know just what to do.

Ooh, baby.

And I want to tell you so much.

I love you.

- Yeah. We caught a lot of fish.
- Yeah.

Black cod.

- Damn.
- Tom, I don't want you thinking...

I hope this won't affect your opin...

Why do that when
it's the first time we've met?

- Late again, Tom.
- Hey, Marilyn.

- I thought you were moving.
- It's all I can afford right now.

You took everything except my name.

No, the judge granted me that yesterday.

You're now officially known
as Horace P. McTitties.

I'm sure your new husband is pleased.

He's a good man. A provider, unlike you.

- You never cared about our children.
- That's not true, I'm a great dad.

Kids.

Dad?

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Rachel.

How's it going there, princess?

It's locked.

- Let me help you.
- I should do that.

- It's no problem.
- I don't mind.

- Neither do I.
- Fine, you take it.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

Hey, Marilyn.

It's a good look for you,
being pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I didn't mean... I'm sorry.

If you wanna make things right,
start with our kids.

You're right.
Those kids are all I have in this world.

Well, the kids and my car.

Mr Koji. Looks like we need someone new
for the Norris account.

Again? Every day we don't have someone
looking after this woman, I lose money.

- What happened to last girl?
- Yoko. Take a look.

Holy shit! Someone put a towel under her
or something. Christ.

It's the Norris house, Mr Koji.
They say it's cursed.

There's no such thing as a curse.

Don't be ridiculous.
Those just old wives' tales.

I need someone there today
or I'm in big trouble.

Hello. I'm Cindy Campbell, I'm looking
for a job in home healthcare.

I was recommended by a family friend,
but unfortunately he... Oh, my God!

Don't mind her. She slip and fall.

You my new best employee.

- Ready to start today?
- It's so fast. I don't know.

Trust me, you're gonna love this job.

I show you.
We can be there in ten minutes.

Come. Come.

Mr Koji?

Hello?

Oh. my God!

OK. Let's get you up and...

Here we go. Oh, I'm sorry.

There you are. I see you've met
Mrs Norris. She catatonic.

Yes, I was just trying to get her
back up on the bed.

I was afraid she'd be hurt.

I just saw her lying here on the floor.

Of course. I help.
You grab her legs, I grab her arms.

Mrs Norris,
I'm here to take care of you.

Yes, I'm very happy to meet you too.

See, this job perfect for you.
Let me show you rest of house.

Right this way.

So, what do you think?

I don't know. There's something strange
about his house.

A presence.

A presence? Don't be silly.
Nothing wrong with this house.

It's funny. I always dreamt I'd live in
a house like this with my husband.

But I guess that's just all in the...

Past.

Who wants to see upstairs?

It's a nice neighbourhood,
close to schools and shopping.

Hardwood floors throughout.
Passed almost every inspection.

Big back garden. Goes back 100 feet.

There's a garden on the other side...

And in here is the bathroom.
Very big, very...

nice.

It is nice. It seems like it'd be
a great place to work.

I just can't shake this feeling of evil.

Evil? That's crazy talk.

Do you know about
the people who used to live here?

People? No, nothing about people.
I don't remember anything.

Did something strange happen
in this house?

Strange? Don't be silly.
This house perfectly normal.

I'm sure you're right. And yet
it's as if someone's watching us.

- Mr Koji?
- That was me.

Just excited about hiring you.

Very, very enthusiastic.

We offer medical and dental,
and two weeks' paid vacation.

I am hoping you can start today.

Maybe get in a whole week.
You perfect for this job.

It a wonderful opportunity for you.

Mr Koji, is there something
you're not telling me about this?

I was dirty.

So...

the job?

I'll take it.

Get your glove, I'm in the backyard.

Robbie, come on. Let's go.

That's not how you're gonna
get through to him.

Look, Rach, this is guy stuff.
You gotta trust me.

All right, Robbie, you ready
for the Tom Ryan express?

Yeah. Maybe one day
I can grow up to be just like you.

All right, I know I let you kids down

but you have no idea
how hard it is to be a father.

When you start... let me know.

- Are you OK?
- My eyes! My eyes!

Oh, much...

better.

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, it's OK.

I've taken balls to the face before.

Hi, I'm Cindy Campbell,
your new neighbour.

I'm Tom Ryan.
Do you live here all by yourself?

Well, I'm taking care of Mrs Norris,

but, yes, for the first time in my life
I'm on my own.

I know that feeling.
It wasn't always that way.

I know.

You thought you'd found your soul-mate.

Yes.

And then one day, you come home

and find your so-called soul-mate
in bed with a complete stranger.

Well, not a complete stranger.
Sammy Sosa.

Sound familiar?

No, not at all.

But I do know what it's like
to be in that much pain

and the worst part is that

- you have to suffer through it...
- Alone?

- It looks like we have a lot in...
- Common.

- We already finish each other's...
- Dinner.

Sentences.

Well, maybe all we really need
is a friend.

I'd like that. Well, I'd better get back
to Mrs Norris.

It's time to put her catheter in

and then I've got to scrub
in between her fat folds.

I've got to lance her boils.
I've got to open her up and...

colostomy bag and mop up the drool.

That's wonderful.

- I'll see you around.
- Definitely.

OK, Mrs Norris, time to dig out
that doody bubble.

Mrs Norris, have you noticed
anything strange about this house?

Yes. Yes.

. No?
' Yes!

You're probably right.
I guess I'm just being silly.

Just relax.

Here we go. OK.

Oh, you poor thing,
you don't have to be scared.

I'm here to take care of you.

You know, I think you and I
are going to be wonderful friends.

I do. That's right.

Just relax. Let's get in those ears.

OK. All right.

That's right.

That feels good.

OK.

You love this, don't you?

It's nice and warm.
Feels good, doesn't it?

Oh. my God!

I'm so sorry.

Robbie.

Come on.

Let's toss the old pigskin.

I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there.
Are you all right?

- It's OK, my throat cushioned the blow.
- Thank God.

I lost my temper. My son's...

- What's wrong? You look scared.
- Nothing, it's just...

There's something going on
in this house.

- Last night I saw a face.
- Did it have a nose?

Yes.

That does sound like a face.

Then there was this weird hand
in the shower,

and this horrible thing on the stairs.

I can't go through this all again.

Oh, I get it. There's some other guy.

You still love him, don't you?
I wish you both the best.

Wait.

You don't understand.
It's painful to talk about, but...

you deserve to know.

I was married once.

- Get out the way, bitch.
- Don't call me no bitch.

- You ain't shit.
- Shut your ass up, Snow Ho.

Well, actually married twice.

My husband and I were living our dream.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your challenger, Cindy Campbell.

Stay loose, Cindy.
Remember your training, keep your focus.

Always think,
"Where's the next punch coming..."

After 20 fights, I was undefeated.

Only one fighter stood between me
and the belt.

We got this chick. She's nothing.

Tiffany Stone.

Cindy, I know you're scared
but I believe in you.

You can win this.

If I win, George, then will you
tell me what my nickname means?

Yes, I promise.

OK, now. Just stick with the jab,
lead with your right.

Watch your footwork.

Let's go.

You do that one more time,
I'm taking a point off, you hear me?

I've got it, I've got it.
Dude, check it out.

I can't take it any more.

And that's when I lost my cool

and made the biggest mistake of my life.

Cindy, no!

Look, a nickel.

No!

George! No!

If I hadn't had thrown that punch,
none of it would have happened.

- I blame myself for it all.
- As well you should.

But, Cindy, the past is the past.

Maybe you ought a think
about your future.

If I'm ever going to love again, it has
to be somebody who'll be there for me.

I don't have a great track record
in that department. Ask my son.

I have. What's a cock monger?

That's not important. What matters
is I've let a lot of people down.

- I should go.
- Wait.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy.

But something about you
makes me wanna try.

- What's happening?
- I don't know.

Why is the sky so dark?

Whys the wind moving towards the storm?

Why don't any of us have dryers?

I've never seen clouds like that before.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

Can you believe that thunder?
That storm is so fierce.

- I've never seen anything like it.
- Me either.

Imagine being out there.

That last one sounded really close.

Don't worry, lightning never strikes
the same place twice.

- Where's Rachel?
- I thought she was with you.

Oh, there you are.

OK. That's it. We're fine.

That last bolt of lightning
smelled like a...

Giant turd.

Yes, the lightning.

I'll go look for Robbie.

Turn it in again, see if it'll start.

What's going on?
The car's just not working.

Start.

My bowels have stopped moving.

- Why?
- How's it going, Marvin?

Car was just working, now it's dead.

- Try changing the solenoid.
- Good idea.

Death to America!

Aw, shit.

Kill him!

Run!

Beautiful outfit.

Thanks.

- Move your ass, G.
- Where y'all going?

Hello.

I can't read that.

That's better.

Robbie, Dad's home.

What is it? What's going on?

Talk to me. What's happening?

- There's no time to explain.
- Alien attack!

Well, actually, that about sums it up.

Fill this up with food.
We're leaving in 60 seconds.

My ass.

Penis.

We gotta go.

- Cindy.
- Tom.

- Where are you going?
- Someone's out there.

Someone who knows a way to stop this.
You wouldn't understand.

- I understand.
- Come with me.

I'd like to, but my kids...

I guess this is goodbye.

When this is all over,
promise me you'll find me.

That you'll never forget me.

That you won't give up
until I'm back in your arms.

Alive?

- Yes.
- I promise.

Goodbye, Cindy.

Hey, wait.

A solenoid. For luck.

Marvin, did you put a solenoid in?

Yeah, I got one from that crack-head.

- Get in.
- Why should we?

Because you're my responsibility now
and like it or not, I'm all you've got.

Hey.

- Thank God.
- Hey, what are you doing?

- Get in the car, Marvin.
- Tom, stop joking around.

Get in the car, Marvin,
or you're gonna die.

OK, fine.

No, wait for me to...

- Still locked.
- Why are you reaching for...?

- What do you mean?
- All right, on three.

- You counting now?
- One, two, three, open the door.

- OK, on three.
- One, two,

three.

Don't do that. Now you're trying
to annoy me. I'm going on three.

- One...
- Don't count when I count.

- I don't know what you're doing.
- Turn your mouth sideways.

What, are you crazy?

- One, two, three.
- Two, three.

- Don't do it at the same time.
- You said three.

- Go on four. Can you count?
- On your three or my three?

- Only one three.
- I'm trying to get in the car!

Then do it on four!

You said three.
Are you doing it on three or am I?

- I heard three!
- You've got to do it on four!

- Now it's four?
- Why four?

You gave me four! You stole my four!

- You stole my four!
- Just let me say three!

You want the black man to wait again?

- You can do whatever you want.
- That's what I've been doing!

Why would you reach for it
when I say three?

- OK, do I still go on four?
- When I say three.

You don't worry about four.
You got all the time in the world.

You can go home, watch
television and come back

- and then open the door!
- Fine!

- One...
- No! No one!

I'm out! No, thank you!

I'll take the next one.
That work for you?

- Jesus.
- Attitude.

Seriously, I'd rather be dead.

"A girl had a pet duck."

She fed and took care of her pet duck.

But one day, the duck got loose
and ran away from the girl.

The duck ran down the road
and kept running,

"until he found a pond."

Mr President, we've just received word
the planet is under attack by aliens.

Uh-huh. OK.

Sir, they've already wiped out
some of our cities.

If nothing is done, they'll kill us all.

I see. I'll handle that in a minute,

but right now, I need to find out
what's happening with the duck.

Sir, with each passing moment,
more people will die.

The people are gonna die regardless, but
this duck still has a fighting chance.

I've read the story before,
Mr President.

The duck dies.

My God! That's horrible.

Mr President, the aliens.
We're under attack.

You mean all of these
children's parents could be dead?

Kids! Kids!

Please! It's not as bad as it seems.

They didn't die alone. I'm sure they
died with other people you love.

Even Santa Claus?

No, of course not.
There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Just like the tooth fairy,
completely made up.

Easter bunny never existed.

The female orgasm.

Wait and see what happens
when you try to find it.

What's wrong? Your parents
are all getting divorces?

I could give them
a little advice if you'd like.

Oh, I forgot, they're all dead.

Let's go on to another story,
Rumpleforeskin.

Stiltskin, sir. We have to get you
to the White House.

I just don't get kids.
Remind me to sign that abortion bill.

Yes, sir.

You may leave
through the forward exit doors

or the gaping hole
in the side of the plane.

We appreciate you flying with
Southern Coast Air. Thank you.

Hello?

Hey, that's mine. I found it.

- Cindy?
- Brenda?

Oh, my God. It's been so long.

Yeah. Too long.

- I thought you were dead.
- Oh, I thought you were dead too.

Were you on this plane?

No, I'm trying to get a good story. I'm
a reporter now, I work for local news.

Wow, you're really doing well
for yourself.

I was on assignment.
Take a look at this.

Here's Detroit.

And here's Detroit after the attack.

Oh, my God.

The attack was devastating.

It's over, Cindy,
humanity has lost the war.

No, no, there's still hope.

I have reason to believe
someone here has the answers.

Even a way for us to fight back.

Come on. It'll make a great story.

Maybe. But how are we supposed
to get there? None of these cars work.

Wait, see if this works.

Hey, I got the last running car
in New York!

This is how I roll, bitches!

You're right, Cindy,
that worked pretty well.

Look at all the injured.

It's so sad.

Big-ass rat, man.

- That sewer took forever to fix.
- I'm gonna need a hot bath after all...

What the hell happened here?

- Zombies!
- Damn!

Let's go.

Don't let 'em bite you!

Good news,
they can still feel electricity.

Grandma?
The zombies have got my grandma!

Die, Grandma! Die! Die!

I loved you!

Mahalik?

Look what they did to my grandmama!

That woman raised me from birth.

Hey, he's got a car.
He's got a car.

Give us the car! Take the keys!

This isn't my car. I would, but I can't.
It's not my car. It's not my car.

Don't worry, kids, the doors are locked,
there's no way they can...

build a robot out of chocolate, but
that's just common sense. Oh, waiter.

- Daddy!
- Kids!

Why?

Well... Get back!

Get back.

Give me the gun, I'm taking the car.

What do I do about him?

I don't want the car, I just need a gun.

No way I'm giving up the gun.
I want the car.

So you need a gun and you want a car.

- What do you want?
- Well, I've never owned a knife.

OK, let's all switch on three.

One, two, three.

- Is this right?
- I don't think so.

Dad, they're taking the car.

Yes, well, let's keep going.

What? That's it? You're giving up?

Yeah, that's right. You want a hero,
go find something else.

Why?

Let's go.

Now, let me get this straight.

The girl hugged the duck
and then it dies?

Mr President,
the nation is under attack.

Get me Homer Landskirty.

You mean Homeland Security?

Sir, this woman was an eyewitness
to one of the attacks.

- What can you tell us?
- They're indestructible.

The clothing was burned off
everyone's bodies.

There were naked people everywhere.

- Were you naked?
- No.

Thank God, some good news at last.
Get her a souvenir.

Lil' Kim. Lil' Kim got my sandwich.

Look out, Russell Crowe's got a phone!

R Kelly, don't pee on me.

My lovely lady lumps!

- Where are we?
- I'm not sure.

I think we're close.
It's supposed to be near Mile 62.

- Is something wrong?
- No, it's just...

I met this guy.

And I wonder if he's safe.
Oh, you'd love him, Brenda.

What's his name?
I might have already loved him.

- Tom Ryan.
- Yep, did him.

- Big, fat Chinese guy?
- No. No.

But he is the kind of guy I'd like
to share the rest of my life with.

Cindy! Look!

- What is this place?
- I don't know.

But the boy's father's in there.
We'll have to sneak our way in.

We won't blend in dressed like this.

Brenda, look.

- He's a wonderful boy, isn't he?
- Yes.

Ezekiel? Ezekiel, where are you?

Ezekiel, shall we have a foot race?

No cheating.

That's him.

He's cute.

Friends. Friends.

Do not fear the noise of
Those of Whom We Do Not Speak.

There is a truce
between our village

and the creatures beyond our borders.

Now, who would like to say grace?

Ezekiel.

Pee-pee.

Pee-pee and vagina!

Amen.

- Father?
- Holly.

For what purpose do you interrupt
the celebration of the...

domestic partnership
of Mordecai and Hoss?

The guards caught two outsiders
near the cabin.

Who are you?

I must speak with you.
I was sent by your son.

Don't be ridiculous. I have no son.

That's not true.

I know who you are.
I've seen the pictures.

I was young. I needed the work.

No, in Mrs Norris' house.

I didn't know whose house it was.

They drugged me. Never mind that.

You're outsiders.
The council will decide your fates.

The question of the outsiders
is now at hand.

But first, Martha,
have you some tidings?

Nathaniel Winston and Alice Smith
have informed me of their intentions.

He intends to have sex with her
as soon as possible.

She intends to put up a mild fight
and then give in.

Emos, something does trouble you?

We now have a majority

of those who wish to say "I'm",

instead of "I am!!-"

- I'm for that.
- I am against it.

Silence.

We have more important matters
to discuss.

I fear that the presence
of the outsiders

will attract Those of Whom
We Do Not Speak.

If you talk about Those of Whom
We Do Not Speak,

have you not spoken about that
of which we do not talk?

Do not speak of that of about which
we talk of not speaking...

about.

Elder Hale, we should welcome
the outsiders among us.

Jeremiah, ought not your tongue be held?

I am sorry, Elder Hale,

but sometimes my tongue wiggles
beyond my ability to control it.

This is a problem with which I have had
much experience.

Maybe I could help him in a room
in which there are no others.

Or you can all watch,
I don't give a shit.

After this,
how about you take your thing

of which we do not speak

and slide it up
in my place in which I like.

Silence.

The elders will consult.

Much better.

I'm not in my house, am I?

No.

Outsiders, we have decided
to let you stay with us.

So that you'll be safe
from Those of Whom We Do Not...

Or don't.

Speak.

But now that you are a part
of our village, understand this:

You may never leave.

No! No!

How did your son die?
The fate of the world is at stake!

- You know what to do.
- Was it you? Did you kill him?

This is some shit
up with which we will not put!

- I'm for that.
- I am against it.

This village isn't what it used to be.

Just hours after the devastating
alien attack,

world leaders have gathered
at the United Nations.

In this, Mankind's darkest hour,

the human race has turned as one
to the wisdom and leadership

of the President of the United States.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.

- Go get 'em, tiger.
- They mean you, sir.

Oh, yes, of course.

So, an Indian, a Frenchman and the Pope
are all on a plane.

The pilot says,
"Hey, are any of you not circumcised?"

So the Pope lifts up his robe and says,
"Shut up, stupid,

you don't even speak English."

The Israeli asked the Japanese guy
to open his eyes.

The man says, "I'm not squinting, you
crazy Jew. You sold me cheap glasses."

What's the difference between a Belgian
and a lump of dog shit?

The Belgian drinks wine
but the dog shit smells good.

On a serious note,
I'm here today at the... Un,

because Earth has been attacked.

I'm happy to report we may have found
a way to fight back.

My military advisors at the Pentagram
have managed to do the impossible.

They have captured
one of the alien heat-ray guns.

The heat ray destroys the body,
leaving behind nothing but clothes.

Our engineers have managed to reverse
the polarity of the weapon

in the hopes that it can now be
turned against the alien invaders.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes. We expect the alien shields
will be vulnerable

to this reconfigured weapon.

People, please.

Please, please.

People. Now, I know that this new
technology may seem frightening,

but I believe that deep down inside,
this heat cannon is our best chance.

Let me give you a demonstration.

Let's see if this thing is plugged in.

It's not a very pretty sight.
Everything's loose and flapping around.

Look at this little pink thing.

Someone get some lubricant.
We'll slather it around in here.

Harper.
Good God, these people are all naked.

Have you no shame?
Have you no decency?

Sir, you're naked too.

I am? I thought this was
a wrinkly leather coat.

- Sir!
- These aren't buttons?

- No.
- I've been pulling this like a zipper.

Mr President, please.

There goes that duck again.

Yo, man, you see this red weed?

No.

- Dad, how much further till Mom's?
- I don't know.

I'm not sure how much longer
I can carry your sister.

I've been walking this entire time.

- Then who the hell is...
- I'll pay you.

- Stay close, Rachel.
- Dad, look!

Hey, hey, you guys! I want to help.

Robbie!

Oh, no.

Don't move. Stay right there.
I'll be right back.

Hey! Hey, you guys! I want to help.

Awesome!

Wait!

- Are you crazy?
- No, they'll pay for half my college.

Kick-ass!

Robbie.

- Yes!
- What's the matter with you?

Hey, look at that guy.
This is so cool!

Robbie!

Robbie!

Rachel! Rachel!

Little girl, are you alone?

You need to come with me.
I'll keep you safe. Right, kids?

- Do you have a little brother?
- Get away from her.

Run away, kids!

Toward the tripod if you have to!

Don't go! I've got a Ferris wheel
and a chimp and a big, soft bed.

We can all get in it.

Not my real nose!

Not my real face!

Over here.

Follow me to safety.

Follow me to safety.

- I don't know about this.
- I'm an excellent judge of character.

That's it. Oh, Brenda. Yes!

You did it!

You have learned quickly
and produced splendid butter.

Are you sure you've not churned before?

We don't call it churning
where I come from.

He scourge is upon us.

Pee-pee! Vagina!

Quick! Into the cellar!

No.

This is the cellar.
That's the cesspool.

Damn it.

Quick.

Hey!

You're not monsters.

Old Lady Henderson?

And Pig face Joe.

- What happened?
- It is Henry.

He has suffered a heart attack.

Brought on by this knife.

- Who did this?
- It was Ezekiel.

Henry, you need a hospital.

It's not too late, we can help you.

Perhaps you could start
by not leaning on the knife.

Do not be concerned for him, Cindy.

We have sent our most qualified villager
for medicines.

I am so dead.

Please, leave me alone with Cindy
and Brenda. I have much to tell them.

Listen carefully to me.

I am not long for this world.

- Pussy.
- Brenda.

What? 50 Cent got shot nine times,
he's still walking around.

Tell me, Henry, who killed the boy?
Was it you?

No. I loved him
and his mother very much.

I should have been with him
when he died.

- It was horrible.
- What happened? You must tell me.

They went to a boxing match.

It was a Women's Championship
title fight.

And there was a terrible accident.

Oh. my God!

Only in America!

All this time
I've been searching for his killer,

when it was me, Brenda.

It was all my fault.

Henry, your son told me
that if I found his killer

I would know how to defeat the aliens.

And he was right. Don't you see?

All you have to do is...

Who the hell let his ass out of jail?

His brother, the sheriff.

Fucking A.

- There you go, sweetie.
- We're gonna die, aren't we?

Hey, nothing's gonna happen to you.

- I haven't lost anyone yet.
- You've lost Robbie.

Except Robbie.

None of that matters now.
What's important is I'm here with you.

Try and get some sleep, OK?

Sing me Lullaby and Goodnight.

I don't know that one.

Sing me Hushabye Mountain.

I'm sorry, I don't know that one either.

If you want this money.

Then you gotta be a bad bitch.

Shake that ass for a tip
if you a bad bitch.

Drop down to the floor
if you a bad bitch.

Oh, no, she ain't no ho.

She a bad bitch...

Hey. Come on in.

Have a seat.

- My name's Oliver.
- Tom. Tom Ryan.

I found this place.

Plenty of food. Along with two
freshly-killed busybodies upstairs

who "owned" the place.
We could stay here forever.

- Are you afraid?
- Of course I'm afraid.

I'm not. I've been around death plenty.

Used to drive an ambulance in the city.

But apparently,
I wasn't a very strong driver.

It seems I was killing
more people than I was saving.

Something about that siren
got me excited. Wham!

Carnage.

But this is different.
This is a war.

No, it's an extermination.

It's no more of a war than there's
a war between men and maggots,

or dragons and wolves,

or men riding dragons
throwing wolves at maggots.

Tom, can't you understand
what I'm trying to tell you?

These aliens must have a weakness.

I heard that the Japs
killed a few of them over in Kikkoman.

- Kikkoman. That's a soy sauce.
- Right, yeah. Low sodium.

What I'm saying is you and I
should be fighting these things.

We should come up
from under the ground.

We'll have to bury ourselves first,
but it'll be worth it.

Cool breeze, no sunblock, worms.

When we build our tripods,
they'll have four legs.

I gotta show you something.

We'll tunnel up from behind
and scare the piss out of them.

Wish we had some shovels, don't you?

Dad.

No. No.

Don't. Don't.

Daddy!

Rachel!

Rachel!

Rachel!

What's the secret, Brenda?
What am I missing?

Please! More fake monsters?

Help! Help! Help! Help!

I promised I'd find you, didn't I?

Where are we? What is this?

Some kind of basket
attached to the tripod.

Jesus!

I know. It's horrible.

Why? What are the aliens gonna do to us?

I don't know, but they're taking
everyone. Young, old, rich, poor.

Chine'!-.

Daddy!

- Rachel!
- No!

- Help!
- Torn!

- Am I dead?
- You're not dead.

- Brenda!
- Cindy!

Hey. Could be worse.

Do you wanna switch?

OK.

Brenda, look!

I don't believe it.
The aliens killed a dinosaur!

Hello, humans. Welcome to the inside
of the command tripod.

Where's Rachel?
What have you done with my daughter?

All in good time, Tom.
But first, I want to play a game.

The devices you wear
will trigger in 60 seconds.

The switch on the wall behind Cindy
will disable them.

But where is the key?
I'll give you a hint, Cindy.

Let the game begin.

I don't get it.

OK. Maybe this will help you "see."

You want me to...

cut something?

That should be obvious, yes.

No.

No! The key is behind your eye, OK?

Zoltar, get in here.
This one's gonna do it.

Fake eye.

Bad bar fight, '96.

I hope this doesn't come between us.

Of course not.

Is it too late for me to try this on?

Silence. The game is not yet over.

- Rachel!
- Daddy!

- Robbie.
- Daddy!

The only thing keeping
your children alive, Tom, is you.

Well, we had a good run.

- You weren't expecting that, were you?
- On the contrary,

I was counting on it.

I call it the Nutcracker.

Why?

Of course.

Oh, my gosh. Of course.

Follow the blood. Henry was his stepdad.

You're the little boy's real father.

Where did you even meet her?

It was spring break in Cabo.
So what? I blended in.

Seriously, who gives a crap?

What's this?

Enjoy your purple nurple, Tom.

Your son wouldn't want this.

His soul walks the Earth
because of the pain you're causing.

No. I have crossed
a galaxy for revenge.

But it's my fault. Let the others go.

Oh, I don't think 50.
Look upon him as he writhes...

Hey, Cindy! Look, I'm on TV, y'all!

Check it out. I wanna give a shout
out to all my peeps.

Have you lost your mind?

No one... pimp-slaps... Brenda.

Zoltar, help.

This is some bullshit.

I know you hold a grudge against
humanity for your son's death...

A wet willy!

Killing us won't bring your boy back.

No, you will all pay
for what you have done.

Besides, I've already built this thing.

When the trap closes on you,
it will lock the chain in place.

Your children will be saved,
but you will suffer a terrible death.

Can you hang on to the ones you love?

You have 60 seconds.

- No.
- Don't worry, kids.

I won't quit on you.

It's OK to let go, Dad. All you ever had
to do was show that you loved me.

And show me what it means to be a man.

And show me that I could love again.

We forgive you, Dad.

The spikes, they stopped!

- Kids.
- Daddy!

Are you sparing our lives?

Anyone can hold a grudge,
but it takes real courage to forgive.

He invasion is over.

- And?
- And I guess I'm sorry or something.

Like you mean it.

OK, I'm sorry for killing
millions of people. Whatever.

Wait! Where's Brenda?

What? We're at peace now,
I was just sealing the deal.

Come on, Brenda, let's go.

Bye, Zoltar! Don't lose my number!

Tell me you didn't catch something.

Nah, it's cool.
She said she was a virgin.

We are so fucked.

Mommy!

Thank you.

Hey, look, kids, Grandpa.

No, that's my new husband.

I think it's romantic.

The way love can find anyone.

And so love triumphed in the end,

and the invaders were destroyed.

For this world, our world,

is the world of Men.

We have earned the right to live here.

And as long as we love,
humanity will prevail.

Each of our enemies
has failed in their quest to defeat us.

Each has been undone
by their own nefarious plans.

Among all worlds, across all galaxies,

we stand above, we stand alone.

None can threaten our existence,
none can challenge our spirit.

And why? Of all the qualities
that make us unique,

it is love that is
our greatest strength.

And because of love, Mankind...

Thank you.
Hello and welcome to the show.

We have got a very special man
with some very special news.

That's right, he's in the building.
The man who saved the world.

Put your hands together for Tom Ryan!

Yes!

My best friend.

Wow.

That's it? OK.

- So you're in love.
- I am. I'm in love.

He's lost it. The boy's lost it.

- You're adorable when you're in love.
- Thanks.

- Tell us all about her.
- She's great.

She's really terrific.
So it's complicated.

You were saying
she's complex, I guess.

Shut up.

You're insane.
Tom Ryan is insane!

- I'm insane!
- Are you happy?

I'm so happy. Hey, look.

Tom, OK, you got balls.

Yeah!

Shoe.

I love Cindy Campbell!
And I can jump on things!

Yeah! Wowee! Wowee!

OK, Tom, isn't Cindy here?

I know she's here.
I know you're in the building.

Cindy! Cindy!

Yeah, let's bring her out right now.

I love this woman! I love this woman!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!