All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S03E12.Pandemonium.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-SiGMA - mx

That's why I can't do it.

It's too scary!

Oh! Ho, ho, whoa!
No!

Hello?

Okay, listen.
There's a guy out there

who's awake
and doesn't know what's happening.

Okay? You gotta pull it together!

- You've got this.
- No. I absolutely do not.

I'm not meant for any
of this, Eleanor.

I'm just middle management!

Shh!
What if I fail?

It'll be like the failure
to end all failures.

It'll be...
an epic fail.

Is my tie getting tighter,

or is my neck getting fatter,
somehow?

Oh! This is what we do.

We tell the Judge
we have to cancel

the experiment because
I have a fat neck.

- She'll understand.
- Anyone?

- Ha! Okay, Michael, listen.
- Just...

You can do this.
You are Michael.

You are smart and capable,
and you're a fearless leader.

And you are gonna
take a deep breath,

stand up,
open that door,

and say, "Hi, John. I'm Michael.
I'm the architect. Come on in."

Got it?

Hi, John. I'm Eleanor. I'm the architect.

Come on in.

*THE GOOD PLACE*
Season 03 Episode 12

Episode Title: "Pandemonium"
(Chapter: 39)

So...
let me sum this up for you, John.

Ya dead.

- What?
- But don't worry.

It's okay that you're dead,
because you,

John Wheaton, are
in the Good Place.

You're here

because of all the incredible things
you did on Earth,

which are all right
in front of me.

So, let me just check your file.

Mmm. Good.
Yes, that's what I thought.

Wow, John,
what a life you've led.

Sorry, did I introduce Michael?

He's my assistant.

Hi.

He just transferred over here
from dog heaven.

So, you know,
he's still getting used to people.

What do you say I show you around
the neighborhood?

So, are you,
like, an angel or something?

Oh, John! Aren't you sweet?
Enough about me.

So everything you see
is here for you to enjoy for eternity.

You and your
321 neighbors.

Oh, why is it 322 people?

Is that number significant
somehow?

Well...
Janet?

Hi, there.

It's me, Eleanor,
the architect of the neighborhood.

Yep, that is certainly information
that I already knew.

Janet is a walking database
of all the knowledge in the universe.

And since you, John,
seemed to like asking

a relentless number of questions,
go ahead, ask her anything.

Okay, what's the craziest
secret celebrity hook-up?

Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
on and off for years.

Okay! Wow!

Wait, so you really
do know everything?

Kinda seems like she should be
running the neighborhood.

Yes, John. In retrospect,
that does seem like a much better idea.

Hey, Janet, why don't you
take John inside to get some fro-yo?

We'll catch up with you later!

Get over here now, dummy!

I'm sorry.

Guys, guys, guys, guys...

Uh-oh.
Michael looks like me. That's bad.

Fun little update,
Michael is feeling a bit overwhelmed.

So, new plan.
I'm now the architect!

And stop making those faces

because I already told John
and there's no going back now.

Well, if I could pick anyone
to impersonate an immortal deity...

well, it would be me,
but if it couldn't be me, it'd be you!

Yeah, you're gonna rock this.

You're like the Blake Bortles
of whatever's going on right now.

- I'm not really sure.
- Thanks, guys.

I think I can be the architect.

I saw how Michael ran the neighborhood
in the memories he showed me,

and there was, like,
a four-year period

where Brad Pitt really
wanted everyone

to know how into
architecture he was,

and I read a lot of
those interviews,

so I think
that might help me.

And before long,

Michael will be back
to his old self

and he can step in
and take over, right?

Look at the four of you,
all together.

Oh, I love you so much!

Okay. Okay.
That's okay.

Chidi, have Janet translate
the gibberish of these files.

- Okay.
- Tahani,

continue working on
the welcome party.

Oh, yes, the party!

So, for the napkins,
I would normally do a queen's tuck,

but I was thinking
of shaking things up

a bit with
a Yorkshire butterfly.

And this could not matter less.
Very sorry. Goodbye.

- Hey. How's it going?
- This is overwhelming.

It's every thought and decision
and action from this guy's entire life.

Like, this whole box
is just one trip to Wendy's.

Well, keep reading.

According to Michael, I usually
asked for your help by, like, day two,

so you need to be ready.

You know what?

At first,
I was kinda nervous,

but so far
I think I'm doing okay.

It's like
I became such a good person,

I almost forgot

I'm a world-class liar,
baby!

Very fun thing
to hear from your girlfriend.

You're doing great.

And I have to admit,

you being the architect
is kinda hot.

It's kinda like
I'm secretly dating my boss.

Not that I ever
would've done that.

Yeah, no, me neither.
So, same. Same.

All right, I gotta get ready
for the next person.

Well, then, I will say goodbye
to you platonically,

the same way a resident
would say goodbye to an architect.

Eleanor!
What if John had seen us?

I'm scared, and yet,
somehow turned on?

Scared is the best way
to be horny!

Oh! Now who's doing the teaching?

Hey, now, all right!

A little higher.
Thank you.

Tahani Al-Jamil?

Yes. Do I know you?

No, no. But I know you.

I used to write about you all the time
on my blog, The Gossip Toilet!

We were the ones that invented
the Olsen twins countdown clock,

for when they became legal?
That was our blog! That was us.

Oh, my.

You were quite mean to me.

Oh, no, I wouldn't call it mean.

Okay? My targets were
rich and high status,

and I was just doing
the important work

of telling truth to power.

So wait, what about you? Huh?
You died in Canada? Ah!

That is so weird and
embarrassing.

It's like the nipslip of
dying.

Okay, listen,
we're gonna catch up later.

I can't wait to hear
all about your new nose.

Oh, no,
I... didn't get a nose job.

I know. I figured we're
in heaven,

so we might as well fix all
of our flaws, right?

Like, look at me.
Nothing is staying on this face.

Oh! Gosh.

What are the odds
that you and I

would end up spending
eternity together?

Eleanor? Michael?
It is I, Tahani!

Yeah, we know, babe.
What's wrong?

I know John!
Rather, he knows me.

He's a gossip columnist
who tortured me on Earth.

He made it seem
like I was shallow,

plagued with jealousy,

and prone to fits of melodrama!

- What are you saying?
- Don't you see?

The Bad Place
didn't pick the worst people.

They picked the people
who would be the worst for us!

Of course.
How did I not anticipate this?

Shawn didn't just choose a bunch
of serial killers.

He chose your tormentors,
or archrivals...

Or exes.

Those motherforkers!

This is insane!

And obviously
against the rules!

Yeah, too bad it's not, dillhole.

She'll remember them!

It's going to destroy the integrity
of the experiment, Your Honor.

Plus, now I have to live next to a man
who once lied and said

I wasn't at Diddy's White Party!

I was there, Eleanor! I was!
You must believe me.

And how are we gonna
make Simone better

when she's asleep
the whole time?

Hello?

We can't work with this!

Your Honor, you never stipulated
that we couldn't choose people

who had some sort of
connection to them.

Then Simone just happened to die on Earth,
which was really, really cool.

You wanna know
how it happened, Chidi? It's hilarious.

- No!
- Okay. Here's my ruling.

It's not against the rules
for the four new humans

to have connections
to the original four.

Simone and John can stay.

- Boo-yah!
- But it was kind of a dirty trick.

So, Michael can erase
Simone's memory

to the point before
she met any of you.

Fine.
Have fun with your ex, Chidi.

What's that thing you humans say
when you're playing chess

and you trap your opponent
into an inescapable position?

Oh, right.

Eat butt, you dingdongs!

Okay. Okay. Focus, team!

Michael and I will prep for Simone.

Tahani, keep an eye on John.

Jason, talk to no one,
go nowhere, do nothing.

- I won't let you down.
- Okay. Go, guys.

- Are you okay?
- I... No! Very obviously no.

Look. You could spend 100 years
in this neighborhood

before you even run into
Simone.

- It'll be easy to avoid her.
- No.

No, but we don't want me
to avoid her.

The whole plan is that
I'm supposed to help them learn ethics

- so they can improve.
- Okay. Okay.

We can deal with that later.
Let's just take this step by step.

Step one, you leave
so I can snap your amnesiac ex-girlfriend

out of her post-death coma
and welcome her into fake heaven.

That's step one?

- Janet?
- Hi, there.

Give me your opinion.
Is this a savage insult?

"Nice shirt. Who designed it?
Mark Fake-obs?"

For people in your social class,
that is 84% savage.

Although, there is a 29% chance
he responds,

"Oh, honey,"
in a tone so devastating

you will think of it every day
for the rest of time.

I like those odds.

I'll go lay it on him now.

No. That's exactly
what the Bad Place wants me to do.

They sent John here
to drag me back into my old patterns.

Insecurity,
obsession with social status.

I shan't let it happen.

John, I am happy
you're here with me.

This is going to be good
for both of us.

And I look forward
to putting the past

behind us and
becoming your friend.

Oh, my God,
you are so cute.

You are so cute, it's gross.
You disgust me. I love you.

Get out of here. I never want
to see you again. I love you so much!

Hi, Simone.
I'm Eleanor. Come on in.

So, as a neuroscientist,
are you surprised there's an afterlife?

I am, Frankly.

I mean, there's a decent chance
this entire thing

is just a complex
electro-chemical reaction

caused by my synapses
randomly firing

in the millisecond
after my death.

But this fro-yo is amazing.
So, I'm just gonna roll with it.

- What flavor did you get?
- I got a twist.

Half strawberry,
half "Male Co-Worker

Gets Called Out For
Stealing Your Ideas."

Ooh! Those go great
together.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Wow! All the other residents seem so nice.

The residents are great, yes.

But, uh... don't feel like you need
to get to know all of them right away.

Maybe just talk to Michael and me

for the first, I don't know,
6,000 years or so.

Anyway, you just chill, baby girl.
We'll check in with you later.

That went pretty well, right?

I've always been good at pretending
I've never met people before.

It's kinda my go-to power move.

I think this new dynamic
may actually be good.

You know, it gives me more time
to observe and plan.

You'll be the face of the operation,

and I'll be the mastermind
behind the scenes.

Like Cyrano de Bergerac.

Like Kris Jenner.

Oh! Totally. Yeah,
I think this is gonna be okay.

No. It won't.
It won't be okay,

which is why you need to
erase my memory and reboot me.

What are you talking about?

No forking way!
We're not rebooting you.

Shawn was right. Bringing Simone
to this neighborhood, it's checkmate.

It completely neutralizes me.

I'll be too freaked out
to help the new residents.

The only way to outflank Shawn is

to make it so I don't
remember Simone.

So, you have to run into
your ex occasionally.

That's a part of life, man.

I used to run into my exes
all the time.

At the mall,
at the dentist's office,

when I drunk-texted them
and told them to come over...

Look, Simone is really perceptive.

I might slip up
and reveal something.

This isn't just about me feeling awkward
around my ex.

It's more about
if I am awkward around my ex,

everyone gets tortured, forever!

No. There has to be another way.

Oh! I've got it.

Just remove Simone from
Chidi's memory, and keep everything else.

- Boom!
- It doesn't work that way.

You all spent a lot of time
together

so his memories of you and her
are all swirled together.

But let's keep thinking.

Guys, I've thought about this
from every angle.

If we don't wipe
my memory, I will,

one way or the other,
ruin the experiment.

- You know I'm right.
- No. No, man! It can't be.

Because if we erase
your memory

all the way back to
before you met Simone,

that includes Australia, and the study,
and the Soul Squad and everything!

That would be erasing...

Us.
I know.

So, the plan is to erase Chidi's memory,
all the way back

to when the air conditioner fell
on his head, in his original timeline.

The Judge has given us
until tomorrow morning

before we have to bring in
the other two subjects.

Tahani, the welcome party
will be tomorrow night.

And the next time you see me,
it'll be like I'm a new resident.

I... won't know any of you.

So, will you remember
that time in Australia

when we stayed up late
and ate pizza together?

No, buddy, I won't.

Will you remember
when we ordered the pizza?

- No.
- Will you remember pizza?

Will I remember what pizza is?

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

Okay, so, not a total loss.

But this is awful.
You two won't be together anymore.

I haven't met a more
perfect couple since

I set up Drake with
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yes, we will no longer
be together.

The Bad Place has pulled off the most
intricate cork-blork of all time.

Hmm. It's a nice touch that
the cursing filter maintains the rhyme.

I appreciate that attention to detail.

Hang on,
I'm not giving up yet.

Let's have an old-fashioned
brainstorming session!

We'll get Chinese
food, and we'll throw

pencils and stick
them in the ceiling

and someone will say
something innocuous

and I'll say, "Wait...
say that again!"

Michael, if there was another choice,
we'd choose it. Believe me.

You like
learning about humans, right?

This is a classic human
situation.

Your friends
are going through something awful

and there is nothing
you can do about it.

Anyway, let's just rip
the Band-Aid off,

snappy, snappy,
wipey, wipey.

I need a few minutes
to work it all out. So...

I hate this.
And I'm sorry.

And did I say that I hate this?
Because I hate this.

You don't need to
apologize for making

a huge sacrifice to
save your friends.

This is why people love
moral philosophy professors.

Well, how about this?

Every time you see me
get a stomachache,

imagine I'm thinking of you.

- So, all the time?
- Exactly.

Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to give both of you
something before we do this.

Think of it as a
going away present.

I don't normally cry
at movies.

But that one was
pretty good.

That girl was hot.

The guy was, too.

I'm gonna miss you so much,
Eleanor.

Except you won't.

That's what's so scary
about this whole thing.

I'm gonna miss you.

You're just gonna think
I'm some sexy, god-like figure,

who you wanna hump immediately
after meeting her.

I know you're deflecting
by making jokes

- about how hot you are...
- It's not a joke! I'm a legit snack!

But I believe in you.

I am not even scared
to get rebooted

because I know that you'll be here
taking care of me.

I wish we had more time
together.

Time means nothing.
Jeremy Bearimy, baby.

We'll get through this,

and then you and I can chill out
in the dot of the "I" forever.

Right.

We'll be okay.

We found each other before,
hundreds of times.

We can do it again.

Bye, Chidi.

- Janet?
- Hi, there.

Hi, Janet.

Can you just, you know, like,
tell me the answer?

- Sorry?
- You know, the answer. To everything.

You know all there is to know
in the universe.

Crunch the numbers.

Tell me the answer.

What's the point of love
if it's just gonna disappear?

And how is it worse
to not love anybody?

There has to be meaning
to existence,

otherwise the universe
is just made of

pain and I don't like
the thought of that.

So, tell me the answer!

I know how you feel.

Back on Earth,
I had to watch

Jason have
no recognition of me.

It felt like...

right before someone pushes
a plunger and murders you.

Sure.

The more human I become,
the less things make sense.

But that's part of the fun, right?

What do you mean?

If there were an answer
I could give you

to how the universe works,

it wouldn't be special.

It would just be machinery
fulfilling its cosmic design.

It would just be a big, dumb
food processor.

But,
since nothing seems to make sense,

when you find something
or someone that does, it's euphoria.

In all of this randomness,
in this pandemonium,

you and Chidi found each other
and you had a life together.

Isn't that remarkable?

Pandemonium is from
Paradise Lost.

Milton called the center of hell
"pandemonium,"

meaning "place of all demons."

Chidi tricked me
into reading Paradise Lost

by telling me Satan was,
and I quote, "my type."

A big, mean,
bald guy with a goatee.

I mean, he wasn't wrong.

Oh, no, that's very
on-brand for you.

I guess all I can do is
embrace the pandemonium.

Find happiness
in the unique insanity

of being here,
now.

We'll do this together.

In the words of the man
that I love...

"I got you, dog."

Thanks, Janet.

You know, for a robot,
you make a really good girlfriend.

I'm one out of three
of those things.

But thank you.
Good luck.

Okay.

Hi, Chidi.
I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

Sync corrections by srjanapala