Original subtitles

[CRICKETS CHIRP, UPLIFTING INTRO MUSIC]

Hi. I'm Darla Peterson.

Owner, operator, and bittersweet memory-maker

at Kitty Kasket LLC.

Did you recently lose a loving pet?

Has your feline friend met its fate?

Don't put it in a bag.

Don't put it in the freezer.

Give your pet the burial it deserves,

in a beautiful kitty kasket!

The Kitty Kasket is a fully customizable reminder

to your deceased friend

that they are unique and fabulous

even in the afterlife.

FACT: I've started 17 businesses since

graduating college,

and it wasn't until I held my neighbor's dead cat in my arms

that I realized this is the business I was born to run.

But enough about my life.

We're here to talk about your cat's death.

Order now, and you can give your trusty companion

of 12 to 18 years, depending on diet,

The burial it deserves!

When your cat's nine lives are up, you'll be glad you did.

♪ In a Kitty Kasket ♪

♪ You'll be glad you had it/ In a Kitty Kasket... ♪

What do you think?

The neighbor boy made this?

We made it together.

This is why my daughter Darla doesn't have any customers.

I'm following a proven business model.

Darla, it's terrible.

What do you think, Mrs. Legitimate CPA?

One: I'm not seeing a 1099 for this neighbor boy.

Is he a freelancer?

The neighbor boy has a name. It's Phil Foss, and he's ten.

And Two: What is the profit margin for an $89.99 casket?

Oh, uh... $14.

Oh, very good.

Okay, so if I punch in this,

Can you put that back, please.

And if I do this

[typing on calculator]

It appears that you have a tax bill of...

$349,000.22.

Uh... That must be wrong.

[typing on calculator]

I really don't think so.

Uh, when is it due?

Well, technically, two months ago,

But you still have one month left in your grace period.

-Okay. -Darla, let's go.

-The meeting- -Darla I’m starving.

All right, umm...

Congratulations on closing out your fiscal year.

Thank you.

Mom? Mom!

Listen, I may have placed some unfortunate

investments that did not pan out

and may have placed the burden of that debt

onto your business.

But you filed the additional paperwork to make

Kitty Kasket LLC an LLP, right?

What's the difference again?

An LLC protects against personal liability

and an LLP protects each member of the possible,

or in this case, very real negligence

of the other members of the company.

I will get us out of this mess!

Please open the door.

But we're not finished...

Open the door, Darla!

In spite of what you think Mom

Kitty Kasket is important to me.

You know, we had almost 20 customers last month Mom.

And all those customers, they put their trust in me

during a very vulnerable time in their life.

Darla I really wish you hadn't made an appointment

with that accountant.

I'm a professional business lady Mom.

This independent thinking of yours today?

It doesn't suit you. Not at all.

[Darla] Well, that's--

Oh, yeah, your lunch is in the back.

Okay, sweetie, eat up. Let me see you smile.

Give Mommy a smile.

[sighs]

[snoring, phone ringing]

[continues snoring]

[phone continues ringing]

[♪]

[Darla's Mom’s voice] One: Arnot Pickens is a very busy man.

Do not interrupt his important work.

[Voice on the phone] Mr. Pickens I got an offer...

[Darla's Mom’s voice] Two: Arnot Pickens knows you are my daughter

and that you are filling in for me this week.

[♪]

Three: Arnot Pickens accepts only

The Figure Eight Mopping Maneuver.

Consult Handbook.

Four: Tomatoes promote fallopian health, Darla!

[Arnot] Okay, that's lunch.

Five: If you hear a voice...

from inside the shipping container...

Ignore it!

[mysterious music]

[beeping]

[door unlocks]

[door clanking]

[door creaks open]

[water trickling]

-[splashing] -Ah!

Ugh!

Hello Darla Peterson.

[flashlight clicks]

Hello? Darla Peterson.

Darla Peterson, down here.

Are you talking to me?

Your name is Darla Peterson, is it not?

Uh...

[water trickling]

But are you actually talking to me or

can I just hear you in my head?

I do not understand.

You don't have a mouth...

[damp slime sound]

or vocal cords.

I am actually talking to you.

So can anyone hear you?

I don't know.

Sorry for stepping on you.

Hey, hold on.

Would you like an orgasm Darla Peterson?

Lie in the tub and drape me over you.

I have to be going now.

It was nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

[water gurgling]

[door creaks shut]

[door slams and locks]

[fan blowing]

[man grunts]

Oh, Mr. Pickens, your, your ice cream it’s...

Oh,

It's all over my pants.

What a diabolical waste.

Your feet are wet.

Yes, I uhhh...the U-bend...

There was a major blockage in the U-bend,

but I fixed it, so I was just drying off.

It’s fixed, it’s all fixed.

Yeah. Should use a figure-eight maneuver.

Oh, I that’s-

A figure-eight maneuver.

That's the only way I clean a floor.

Don't touch any more of my stuff.

I'm kidding.

[awkward laughter]

[man grunts]

Darla Peterson,

put me in your thermos and take me with you.

[dripping]

[crickets chirping]

[muffled soap opera music]

“No, no...no Dieter no.” [distressed chimp sounds]

“Dr. St. Clair you’ve got to hurry...”

“If you don’t stabilize his aortic valve

we’re going to lose him.”

“Dr. St. Clair!”

“I’m trying to help you Dieter!

“And now, a word from our sponsors.”

“After a long day of zoological happenings,”

“I need something to wet my whistle.”

“Moca Mola.”

“Decent, since 1962.”

[♪]

[Darla reads] By now you've learned that saying,‘Yeah, Ok’,

leads to opportunities.

Now it is time to apply the principles

to more challenging situations, ones

that unnerve and titillate, even excite you.

Oh, yes.

In chapter four, we examine case studies

of people who said, ‘Yeah, Ok’

to a variety of strange propositions.

Are you ready to say, ‘Yeah, Ok’

to...your life?

[message chimes]

[♪]

[message chimes]

Bailey, while I have you...

Is there any chance that you're squirreling away some money?

[cat meows]

A few hundred thousand?

It wouldn't...no.

It would be a loan. I would pay you back.

[cat meows]

Gosh, thanks for your confidence in me.

[Darla] I'm not going to take any of your money.

I was simply asking.

It's fine. We don't have to talk about money ever again.

[sighs]

[♪]

If numbers can be irrational and imaginary,

then so can you.

[birds chirping]

Okay, Look at this.

This particular carburetor...

This one...contains three grams platinum in it,

the most valuable element on Earth.

Between the two of us,

we spend 6 hours a night casing the neighborhood

for carburetors to remove.

And in the next 3 to 4 weeks, voila, we'll have enough money

to save your little business.

Can you just say,

‘I messed up Darla, and I'm sorry.’

Mom, this is Rheumacore.

You're the one with arthritis.

Oh, which reminds me, pick up my prescriptions

after work, please darling?

-Yeah, ok! -Ok.

BYE!

[Arnot’s voice] What's wrong with you now?

I got you the expensive, organic shit, didn’t I?

Oh, my God.

You're not dead, are you?

Mother?

[crying] Oh, nooooo.

Oh, please don't be dead, Mother.

[thermos clatters loudly]

Darla.

Good morning, Mr. Pickens.

A leak sprang up overnight.

Would you take care of that, please?

Right away.

-[mysterious music] -[door creaks shut]

[door locking]

[water leaking]

[mysterious music continues]

[Arnot] Okay, that's lunch...

little Leona.

[door slamming]

[phone ringing]

[water trickling]

Why is Arnot keeping you in here?

He wants me to grant him eternal life.

You’re a wish-granting scoby?

What's a scoby?

Symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast.

You're a kombucha mother.

I am not a kombucha mother.

You're being fed kombucha,

you're a scoby.

I am infinite.

I am collective.

I would be able to more fully explain what I am

if you joined me.

In the tub.

Yes.

[♪]

Yeah.

Ok.

Here I go.

I'm going to get in the pool now.

[♪]

Close your eyes.

I prefer to keep them open.

If we're going to go on an adventure, you must trust me.

I trust you.

Why?

I trust everyone.

Don’t you?

Yeah.

Ok.

[disco-style music starts]

[Darla orgasms] [disco-style music ends]

[Darla panting]

Did you enjoy that?

Yes.

In my experience,

only humans and the common picnic ant

can enjoy my orgasms.

You want to come with me, right?

More than anything Darla Peterson.

I... Listen, I owe $349,000.22, and I think you can help me.

Dollars and cents, Darla Peterson?

Taxes.

It's a long story.

I wish I could assist you, but I need help myself.

With what?

Space.

I want to go to space.

Oh um...

I can help you with that.

Oh, thank you, thank you Darla Peterson.

It is my dream to go to space.

But will you teach me what taxes are so that I can help you

in exchange for you helping me?

Arnot never teaches me anything.

This is the longest speech I have ever made.

Sounds like we have a deal.

You have to be quiet now.

Mr. Pickens?

Mr. Pickens, I'm headed out.

It's been a pleasure.

You're quitting on me?

No, I was just here covering Leona's shift.

Tuesday through Thursday.

You know,

the best time to sunbathe

is when the sun is shining.

I...I agree.

[door slams shut]

“People often say to me, Brittney St. Clair,

did you make a pact with the devil himself

to get such flawless skin?

Very close...”

-Ah! [Leona] Relinquish the thermos Darla.

It’s my thermos.

Everything that is yours was once mine.

See?

-Well, you gave it to me.

Well, I want it back.

[both struggling]

It's lemongrass.

Ew! Rinse that out throughly and let it dry on the mat,

not the drainer.

“...important research into um

...what is it?...

...pomegranates!”

[♪]

You dislike tomatoes immensely.

They're slovenly.

What's slo-ven-ly?

Uh...kind of like untidy, sloppy.

Leona dislikes lemongrass immensely.

It’s because she thinks it gave dermatitis one time.

In fact, lemongrass is a well known anti-inflammatory.

You can also use lemongrass

if you wish to lure bees to start an apiary.

Anyways...

did you know people pay for orgasms?

I give them for free.

Not anymore.

Okay Darla Peterson, in about six months,

I will be able to give orgasms again.

What!?!

I need to regrow.

And based upon current nutrient intake levels,

it will take six months to reach my orgasm-granting size.

But I need that money in a month!

I don't know what to tell you.

[sighs]

But you'’re the scoby...

Will you still help me get to space?

[light clicks]

Hello?

[door shuts]

[sounds of orgasming?]

[Darla reads] Meanness and kindness are two sides

of the same coin.

And that coin is you!

[muffled heavy metal music]

[Leona's voice] Rinse that out thoroughly

and let it dry on the mat, not the drainer!

This is good.

Is this what you call heaven?

Darla, give me more Moca Mola.

Shh!

Moca...Mola.

Moca...Mola.

Here you go.

Drink up.

Darla Peterson.

Are you a professional chef posing as a kitty casket maker?

Are you being sarcastic?

What is sarcastic?

Never mind.

[terrible-sounding car pulls up]

Hi, Darla.

Hi Phil.

Frickin heck.

Are you okay to watch Phil after school?

Yes, Mr. Foss.

It's so fun to hang out with you.

You know anything about cars?

Sounds like the carburetor, Dad.

It might be the carburetor. Yeah, it could be.

I think it's a fan...it's probably the fan belt...

Moca Mola Darla Peterson.

It is the most important substance in the whole world.

You really don't need to freeze any corpses, Mr. Choi.

Actually, in the brochure-

Darla Peterson.

-[Mr. Choi] I’ll send Mr. Runnybottom over with Danny-

-Darla Peterson.

-[Mr. Choi] You know I caught him trying to catch a squirrel with my wife’s-

-Darla. Peterson.

Hold on Mother.

-[Mr. Choi] Don't tell me to hold on.

And don't call me Mother, Mrs. Peterson.

I'll call you back in 3 to 5 minutes Mr. Choi.

[phone beeps]

[♪]

-[Darla gasps] -I have grown 429% in size

since this morning, which is unusual.

I will need a larger tub soon.

Yeah, ok.

[phone vibrating]

It’s your CPA, Darla.

I know who it is.

Hi, Charity. I'm actually in the middle of something.

-Hi Darla you have 29 days to pay the IRS.

I'm aware of that.

-I'll call you in a few days to see how it's going.

It's going quite well, actually.

You really don't have to-

-That’s what I like to hear.

Okay, talk to you tomorrow.

But I just.

-[phone call ends] -Uhm

Are you in trouble Darla?

You're not perfect, Phil.

No one is.

I think you are perfect, Darla Peterson.

Thank you.

[♪]

...You ready to win tonight because these cards

are hot hot hot...

Oh, who cares? You're up by 2400 points.

Have you and Darla worked out a solution for your taxes?

Yes. -Yes.

You don’t have a plan.

You have a horrible kombucha thing that you stole from Arnot.

Well, wait a minute.

I didn't steal her.

I rescued her.

Mother is a sentient orgasm granting yeast mass

and I'm going to charge people $1,000

to have mind-blowing orgasms

until our debt is paid.

And then I will assist her in her continuing journey to space.

Sweet baby Jesus.

All I need to do is find 349 people in 30 days.

That's 11.633 people per day.

Actually, it's more like 11.633 sessions because, you know,

people will have repeats. Multiple orgasms.

Multiple mind-blowing orgasms.

[knocks on table] I'll have a go.

Okay.

-1000, you said? -Yep.

All righty. I got that right there.

No one is orgas-aming in this house.

You're absolutely right, Mom.

It shouldn't happen here. I'll find a motel.

Orgasms happen in motels all the time.

All right, who’s turn is it?

[♪]

...It won't be for long.

If we don't get the money together

we're going to lose everything.

Kitty Kasket will go under-

You will fail.

Thanks, Mom.

No no no,

You can't use that bag.

The zipper sticks.

Ready to hit the road?

Where are we going?

We're going to a motel.

Why are we going to a...motel?

Because that's where you go on vacation.

Will I get a tan on vacation?

Yes.

“I don't want to hear it Lionel.

The bat guano on your shirt...”

[Lionel] “You know that guano could have come from anywhere.”

[Brittney] “It could come from one place and one place only...”

“Dr. Patricia Vogelman's private observatory.”

[Lionel] "“Brittney allow me to explain.

It's been a long, arduous journey...

It happened several weeks ago.

I'll tell you all about it.

But it's painful.”

[car horn honks]

[car alarm honking]

[♪]

Name?

Brittney St. Clair.

Just you?

There's two of us.

[television chatter]

We are not on vacation.

We are hiding.

We're not hiding.

I just...

All this might not be 100% legal

Orgasms are not legal, Darla Peterson?

It's legal to have orgasms. Yes.

It's just...

Well, this particular way of having them

might not be...

...I don't know...the usual way of having them.

What is the usual way of having orgasms, Darla Peterson?

“On next week’s episode of ...Wild Urges...”

“There maybe now you can sleep Franklin.”

[Brittney laughs]

“I know, I know you want to see your mother,

but that’s just not how zoos work.”

I am enjoying my vacation, Darla Peterson.

[Intense exercise sounds]

Darla Peterson, are you climaxing without me?

I'm working on my delts.

Can you orgasm people yet?

Yes, I am better than ever.

I'll be the judge of that.

[disco music begins]

Cat caskets?

Like you have, like nine caskets for every kitty cat?

Because of nine lives?

I'll remember that.

Cat caskets, huh?

That sounds so glamorous. Yeah.

It has its ups and downs.

Oh, well, my life's on the down right now,

as a matter of fact. It might be surprising to you,

but I don't have my shit together like I probably should.

But, you know, whatever.

I mean, you know, life is short, then you die,

and who gives a flying fuck...

...You know, ah fuck it.

Does uh...

Does my offer speak to you then?

Yeast.

I don't know anything about yeast

except that's what they use

in these things here, you know. What do you think?

What do you think about the lady's offer?

Did you hear what she said?

Yep. Sounds...kinky?

Okay. Yes.

-Let's do it. -After you.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Okay.

[Darla] This is the Menage Experience.

What the fuck?

Please... touch Mother with any part of your body.

Any part.

Not the wangus?

Here you go.

-[retching] -Mr. Ellison?

Are you are you...?

Mr. Ellison?

-Mother! -Oh, god!

Mother!

Nathan Ellison has had corn for dinner.

This appointment is over. No refunds!

[♪]

Maybe you need some Pectin Bears,

you sound agitated.

I'm not agitated.

I just need a vetting process.

[Phil] It's easy, Darla.

Once they inquire under your ad, their IP address will

automatically be tripcoded within my honeypot program.

Yielding me their names

upon which I can do a fairly standard background check.

That's great, Phil.

I'll post that tonight.

Okay Darla. I have to go to soccer practice now.

[keyboard typing]

[♪]

Does the idea of the infinite

unnerve you?

It unnerves me.

Uhm...

It is her high cholesterol

that should unnerve her.

Winnie? Winnie.

I don't know if you thought we'd have sex.

We're not...we're not going to.

Okay.

But, but you will be having a Menaging Experience...

with Mother.

Oh. Oh.

Are you ready?

Yes.

[birds chirping]

[distant dog barking]

[Winnie orgasms]

Knock knock...

Did it...work?

Did you hear anything?

[makes moaning sound]

She cannot hear me.

I now have a deep understanding...of life...

seeping into every corner of my soul.

You’re an acharya, Darla Peterson.

a spiritual guide.

[Darla] How did you know my name?

I don't know.

[Winnie] Take it!

I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't need it

[Darla] 1000 dollars?

Okay goodbye Darla Peterson!

-Could I get a review on Felp? -Of course. Five stars. 5 1/2!

Okay.

Five and a half.

Actually, Darla I forgot my keys...

Actually, can I get back my hat?

Yes, of course it is your hat.

Are your taxes paid off now Darla Peterson?

[Darla reads] Mistakes are the stones,

the road to perfection is paved with.

Time to manifest some money.

Yes. Alright.

It’s “Yeah, Ok”.

[montage-y music begins]

[grunts]

[message chimes]

Hi. I'm here for the orgasm.

Excuse me.

I'm Ken, and I'm your 2 o’clock.

This is Mother.

Hello, Mother.

This should cover everything.

-[man] Here you go dear. -[Darla] Thank you.

Thank you so much, Brittney.

I love your television show.

Oh, well, I'm happy to have a fan.

[messages chimes]

[Charity on phone] Hi Darla, it’s me Charity again.

You have 26 days to pay the IRS.

Give me a call when you're free and we can set something up.

Okay, bye.

[messages chime]

I'm just enjoying these orgasms, for which I thank you

Ms. Brittney St. Clair.

I don’t even know if I can drive right now.

I just.

Who would have thought? A kombucha mother...

could do such a thing?

The multiple male orgasm is now no longer a myth.

The pillows were super fluffy, the room was very clean,

and afterwards, I slept like a baby.

I’m going to go drink a gallon of water now.

[♪]

[messages chime]

[grunting]

Thank you lady, that was tasty.

[♪]

[people orgasming]

[message chimes]

[♪]

[message chimes]

[Charity on phone] Hi Darla! This is Charity.

Once again, you have 21 days to pay the IRS.

-[knocking] -Just giving you a quick little reminder because you

know I like to do that.

-[message chimes] -Okay, talk soon. K, bye!

[giddy noises]

[messages chimes]

[cash register cha-chings]

[grunting]

[message chimes]

[people orgasming]

[more people orgasming]

[a lot of people orgasming]

Yes!

[Darla reads] As you have undoubtedly discovered over

these days and weeks,

saying ‘Yeah, Ok’, has improved your mind, body, and outlook.

It is now time to say it to more challenging scenarios.

Scenarios that would previously shake you to your core with

doubt, fear, and anxiety.

[quirky music plays]

[gurgling noises]

Ugh.

♪ Anything's possible when You've got a fan . ♪

♪ Tomatoes don't have to be A part of the plan. ♪

♪ You may not be perfect, but ♪

♪ You're doing the best That you can. ♪

Darla Peterson, will you come with me

when I go to space tomorrow?

You won't go to space tomorrow.

But we are going to space?

I don't mean to pester you.

You are a busy woman doing important work.

[gurgling noises]

I think I'll up your Moca Mola intake.

I am so glad I have you to talk

while I...orgasm your tax bill away.

Menage.

What is Menage?

It's the word I'm using to describe what you do for people.

It's not sex, it's Menaging.

It's more professional,

sounds like a spa treatment or something.

Why do you make so many boxes of various sizes?

They're called Kitty Kaskets.

They're for cats.

People come to me to bury their cats in a

beautiful, personalized casket.

Why do people have cats, Darla Peterson?

For companionship.

Do you have me for companionship?

No.

We're business partners.

Oh.

[eerie music plays]

[Guy on phone] -Nobody buys carbonated soda in

that size Ms. St. Clair.

That’s Mrs. St. Clair.

-Sorry about that Mrs. St. Clair

You buy the flavored syrup in a highly concentrated form,

And then it gets mixed

with carbonated water at the soda

How many bags you want?

Five?

-Minimum order is 50.

50.

-Okay good let me put you on hold for a second

while I get some paperwork.

[♪]

I am looking forward to my Moca Mola syrup, Darla Peterson.

[knock on door]

Soda delivery for-

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. It's my first day.

I didn't.

Darla?

[scoffs]

You're not Brittney St. Clair.

Are you?

That’s what I thought.

So...

Whatcha needing with all this syrup, huh?

What do you got under that tarp?

Dead body?

You haven't changed a single bit.

He wants from you, Darla Peterson.

It's a sentient kombucha mother

that grants mind-blowing orgasms

Fine Darla, don't tell me.

[quirky music plays]

[sniffs]

[retches and coughs]

Did you get fired from that World War II salvage operation?

Yeah. [laughs]

And then I was at a nunnery making Gouda.

Then I was at an office for a year doing human resources,

just getting life experiences,

going with the flow, you know, until the next idea comes.

Like Kitty Kasket!

You know perfectly well Kitty Kasket was my dream.

I never said it wasn’t.

I was the one who looked up every single municipality's

rules and regulations on pet receptacle disposal.

And yet it's you with the huge tax debt.

How did you know about-?

-How did you know about-? -Leona.

I got waffles with her the other day.

Just offer him a Menage, Darla Peterson,

and bury the hatchet.

[birds chirping]

I need you.

You need me?

I think...

Mother said

‘space’?

Did she say anything else?

What the fuck though, Darla?

We talk all the time because of our special bond.

I thought we were just business partners.

I’m going to take some of this. To my guy!

He runs a kombucha blog.

Maybe Stu Fu’s guy can help me get to ‘s p a c e’.

You know what?

You're going to get into that shower

and wash every bit of that pool your body.

While I watch.

[shower running]

Hey, can I come by tomorrow to try and talk with her?

You can teach me how.

Darla.

Darla, this is the most important discovery

in the history of mankind.

You know that, right?

Yes, I'm aware.

Okay.

-Okay. -Okay.

[upbeat music plays]

[Darla reads] Have you ever painted yourself into a corner?

Not metaphorically.

You have actually

painted your bedroom floor and realized you are trapped.

Where...did you...COME FROM?

Why is Stu Fu shouting at me, Darla Peterson?

Sexual experiment number 002.

[Darla reads] What do you do?

Do you walk through the wet paint,

ruining your shoes, the floor and your entire afternoon?

I’m ready Mother.

[Darla reads] Or do you sit and wait for the paint to dry

so you can walk out of the room like a reasonable adult?

[Stu orgasms]

[bubbling sounds]

I think I came.

Does Mother speak only English?

Stu Fu is a dud, Darla Peterson.

Wouldn't it be cool to name the 129th flavor,

you’d be remembered for all time.

Oh, did I tell you that I'm a model now?

I'm not like a regular model, like on the runway,

but I do have very

attractive and discreet parts of body that get used

for TV and print ads all the time.

Like that. Look familiar?

This bad boy is on a huge billboard on I39 for wart cream!

Yeah, it's super lucrative.

I just drive that truck around for my uncle for fun.

That's how you have the money?

Oh, yeah.

This one right here.

Is paying my rent for the next six months.

Makes sense.

[upbeat music plays]

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Stu.

Stu.

-Stop it. -Stop it.

You're copying me. -You're copying me. -You're copying me.

No, you are copying me.

No, you are copying me. You’re copying me.

You’re copying me. -No you’re copying me.

[both] You know exactly what you're doing.

[both] You're copying me.

[both] Why did you have to do that,

we had such a wonderful moment.

[both] and then you just ruined it with your immature-

You used to think that was so funny.

I don't anymore.

You've always been lucky in life, Darla.

There is no such thing as luck.

There's pluck,

and determination, and dedication,

and perseverance,

and persistence, and tenacity,

and moxie, and gumption, and grit.

and persistence, and purposefulness,

and spit, and vinegar.

Okay.

Same time tomorrow?

-Yes. -Okay.

[eerie music plays]

Darla Peterson, did you know, that with your age,

height, and personality,

-[message chimes] -you are more likely to die of loneliness than of old age?

[message chimes]

I love you, Darla Peterson.

[Leona’s voice] I'm glad you're dating Stu again.

[Darla’s voice] How did you find me?

Find your phone app. Duh, Darla.

So, have you made your money back yet

so you can come home?

It's our money for your debt.

That's precisely why I'm here.

Did you know?

The shipping container in the warehouse

belongs to Advanced Dialectics of Decay, AD&D...

They’re a yeast derivatives company.

Yeast. Do you know what that means?

Do you know what that means?

Yeah! Somebody was hiding that yeast container at Arnot’s.

You stole yeast from somebody who stole it from AD&D.

And?

And they're probably motivated to get the thing back

and give us a reward.

No more tax debt.

Well, I made $27,000 last week.

Well, snotty face I made $10,000 for Nana Darla's ring.

So there!

Did you ask Nana Darla if you could do that?

That's an heirloom!

I need you home for when I take my test at the DMV.

God, if you really need my help so much.

why do you find me so horribly incompetent?

Ohhhhh growwww up!

Oh great! I will grow up!

Have a niccce rest of you lifffe.

[car peals away]

[bubbling sounds] [mysterious music plays]

Darla Peterson.

Darla Peterson.

Darla Peterson.

I know you are not asleep.

[lamp clicks]

What?

Have you heard of a man called Musk comma Elon?

Yes.

Have you forgotten that we were going to help me get to space?

No, I have not forgotten.

If I menage Musk Elon, maybe he can also help me get to space.

Maybe he will.

Why doesn't Leona pay the taxes

if she is the reason for the debt?

She doesn't have any money.

She has investments.

She doesn't have investments.

She won big at the casino,

she counted it as income on Kitty Kasket,

And then she put it all on red and lost it.

And now Kitty Kasket is in debt.

And I'm in debt.

She just doesn't know I know.

That is ‘centrifuge,' Darla Peterson.

It’s ‘subterfuge’. Now go to bed.

[lamp clicks]

-[upbeat music plays] -[clipping noise]

That's too many towels, Brittney.

Another week, please.

I see it all.

Good.

That's your job.

That's 315.

-[distant dog barking] -[traffic noise]

[Darla hums]

[footsteps]

[humming]

[door creaks open]

Mr. Pickens?

[bubbling sounds]

You stole her from me.

Don't you have your own Mother at the warehouse?

She died.

Mother can die?

Hi. Are you Mrs. St. Clair?

Oh, I'm a little early.

Yes. I don't have you ‘til half past.

You'll have to come back.

Right...

Completely understand.

I'll come back later.

You do that.

Mr. Pickens, Mother wanted to come with me.

Nobody ever picks Arnot.

Why?

How did you even know she was here?

I followed Leona.

She kept asking all these questions about the...

storage container and

who had dropped it off and

the Advanced Dialectics of Decay

and whether I have been eating enough potassium lately,

and she doesn't care about any of those things usually.

Does this mean that AD&D is following me-

That's enough questions...

Darla.

Did you ask Mother what she wants?

You told her not to speak to me.

I didn't.

Arnot Pickens, I will speak to you.

Are you sure Mother?

Arnot and I have things to discuss.

I want an orgasm too.

Yeah. Ok...

Arnot Pickens.

Well, you enjoy your orgasm, Mr. Pickens.

Thank you.

I just...

I bought some pie...

I'll just be having a slice outside.

-I'd like you to leave, please. -Okay.

A man may die,

nations may fall...

But Mother...

is always there.

[ominous music starts]

-[laughs] -Oh, yeah.

[phone vibrates]

[Charity] Hey, Darla, it's Charity again.

You have 17 days to pay the IRS.

Yay! I love the number seventeen-

[ominous music continues]

Mr. Pickens I'm coming in now.

Mr. Pickens?

Mr. Pickens?

Mr. Pickens.

I'm coming into the bathroom...

We'll have to reschedule.

[bubbling sounds]

[slime sounds]

Mother, what did you do?

I dismantled him.

He annoyed me.

You can't just...you can't just kill everybody who annoys you.

People will be looking for him.

You're shouting at me.

I'm not shouting.

I did not kill him.

He is here with me.

Just when we were making some good money...

And now we got a super powerful, probably unethical

yeast derivatives company after us and you go and do this?

We gotta scram.

I know where to go, Darla Peterson.

I will keep you safe.

Don't you want to make the money for your little business,

Darla Peterson?

Yeah. Ok.

You saw nothing.

[quirky music plays]

[phone vibrating]

Your phone is ringing Darla Peterson.

Ahhhhh!

-[Leona] Darla? -Yes?

I've been thinking about it all day and

and I'm telling you, giving that

horrible yeast mother back to Advanced Dialectics of Decay,

is the way to put this whole tax thing to bed.

And well, I don't know...

I may contact them myself if you don't see it my way.

And Darla, one more-

[♪]

[grunting]

[♪]

Okay, where?

Backwards.

Straight.

Stu.

Left.

Darla Peterson,

will you tell me again the story of when you were little

and you got stuck in an overflow pipe?

[bubbling noise]

[Darla] Mother, we've been driving all night, and I hate driving.

Which way?

Left.

[♪]

[Mother] Here.

You dummy, this is Mr. Pickens’s own house.

This is where Arnot likes to scram.

[footsteps]

[keys clattering]

[floor creaking]

[plastic rustles]

[footsteps]

[sighs]

No one is looking for Arnot Pickens.

[inhales and exhales sharply]

[crickets chirping]

-[soft music plays] -I had my first ever dream last night.

I saw a bird with a red face and a black beak.

When I dream a second time, will it be the same dream

dream as the first one?

Does this bird exist in real life, Darla Peterson?

[pen scratching]

Have you made $349,000.22 yet, Darla Peterson?

Does it look like we've made $349,000.22?

[bubbling sounds]

The answer is no, Mother.

Okay, we're very far away from $349,000...

You know, somebody had to absorb somebody at the motel.

Was that someone you?

[inhales deeply]

I will get the money.

And get me to space?

Yes and get you to space.

But would you mind just putting a pause on the space talk?

I just need to clear my head, alright?

♪ Anything is possible when You have a fan. ♪

♪ Anything is possible when You have a fan. ♪

♪ Tomatoes aren't perfect, ♪

♪ But they’re doing the Best they can. ♪

-[mosquito buzzes] -[Darla] Ahh!

♪ Anything is possible when You have a fan. ♪

-Oh God, I hate NATURE!

[flaps lips]

♪ Tomatoes aren't perfect, ♪

♪ But they’re doing the Best they can. ♪

[car door shuts]

[exhales sharply]

[crickets chirping]

-[birds chirping] -[message chimes]

[tranquil music plays]

I have a great idea.

We come to you...

[bubbling sounds]

Darla.

Did you know the figure-eight

maneuver is the most efficient way to clean any surface?

I love to clean.

Mr. Pickens...

You don't seem very surprised to see me.

I am very surprised to see me.

Are...you...you?

I'm a scohy.

A symbiotic culture of human and yeast.

I regrew him to help us get to space.

Since when can you make duplicates of people?

Recently.

What were you thinking-

You have been unhappy with me since yesterday.

Even though I saved you.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Are you sorry too?

No. I am not.

-[Darla] Hey, do you remember how to drive?

[coat rustles]

-[upbeat music plays] -Welcome to the latest innovation in discreet pleasure.

The Mobile Menagery.

We come to you!

[Arnot] -Owwweee.

Please be careful, Mr. Pickens.

I can't be getting blood everywhere.

-♪ Anything's possible If you got a fan ♪

♪ Tomat...potato...tom- ♪

-♪ Tomat...potato...tom- ♪ -It’s tomatoes.

-[both singing] -♪ Don't have to be a part Of The plan. ♪

Do you remember where you live and where you work?

I remember where I live and where I work.

You are going to drive back to the warehouse to pretend that

you were on a vacation.

I do not have a tan.

Please drive carefully and never return.

Okay. Bye.

[♪]

Pew!

Pew!

[phone keys typing]

[message chimes]

I'm a human yeast symbiote.

[bubbling sounds]

No more Arnot Pickenes okay? We don't need him.

If you won't help me go to space then Arnot Pickens will.

I'm helping you get to space.

Look, I'm emailing Elon Musk right now, okay?

It just...it takes a while to get a famous person's

contact information.

Is the Martian also famous?

Who's the Martian?

The Martian called, Matt Damon.

Yes, I can...

I'll make a note to email him as well.

Please, Darla Peterson. No centrifuge.

It would hurt my feelings.

[Arnot] Tomatoes can get their feelings hurt, too.

Did you know that?

That's where the saying ‘having a thin skin’ comes from.

Are you eating tomatoes because Mother knows that I hate them?

They're screaming.

-[eerie music plays] -[squishing noises]

[exhales]

Good night, Darla Peterson.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

[phone beeps]

[message chimes]

[softly screams]

[Darla] I, for one, am excited Mother.

Aren't you excited?

This'll be fun.

This is a very one-sided deal, Darla Peterson.

[quirky music plays]

[hands slap]

Mobile Menagery for Jerry Foote!

[blood-curdling scream]

[more screaming]

[♪]

[Darla] What happened?

Jerry Foote does not want to go to space either.

800, 900, 1,000.

We value the customer experience to the fullest, and that

includes getting a full refund

when things go awry...

I'm ready.

[van door slides open]

It's...uh...it's not working.

-Oh...! -Is that okay?

Uh...I'll go check.

Please just menage this client and we’ll talk when we're home.

No.

Do it.

No.

Do it.

No.

Do it!

No.

[whispering] Do it.

No.

Fuck you!

Fuck you, fuck you Mother!

Do you want to go to space or not?

Fuck you, Darla Peterson.

[Darla reads] Confrontations with people you love

can be tricky.

If you do it the wrong way, you may lose a friend forever.

That is why it is important

to let your loved one know the many, many,

many ways they are wrong.

[tranquil music plays]

Morocco is beautiful.

That’s not Morocco, Mr. Pickens.

[Arnot] Here are the rockets to space.

This is the man who vomits.

The crying woman.

The man who is your lover.

And Darla,

this is you.

Do you remember your life, Mr. Pickens?

I have forgiven my enemies

and forgotten their names,

Darla Henderson.

[keys typing]

How's your book coming, Mr. Pickens?

I am writing an email to Musk comma Elon.

[Mother] Arnot Pickens is a busy man.

Do not interrupt his important work.

[ominous crows cawing]

[Arnot has laborous breaths]

[his hands make squishy sounds]

Owie.

[Mother] Arnot Pickens may need assistance with his emails.

Oh, Mr. Pickens.

Oh, okay.

Mr. Pickens.

Oh Mr. Pickens.

I wanted to mail my email to Musk comma Elon.

Now I feel a little funny.

[ominous music plays]

Ok, I need to...

I'm just gunna...stay here.

Don’t...don't panic.

I'm just going to get some help.

[ominous music builds]

Oh! Oh, Mr. Pickens! I found a wheelbarrow!

I found a wheelbarrow!

So that’s gunna...

That will get us...

I’m just gunna get it moving for us...

It's a...it's a driveway situation so...

Here I come...here I come.

HERE I COME! [Darla struggles]

Turning...turning...

I made the turn...

I’m coming...I’m coming!

[ominous music intensifies]

[crowe cawing]

Mr. Pickens?

[squishy sounds]

[ominous music gets louder]

Arnot Pickens was a fruiting body.

All fruiting bodies decay.

I will make another Arnot Pickens, and another

and another until I get to space.

You know, I hate to tell you this

but you are never going to space.

But you said I would.

Your dream is completely unrealistic and unachievable.

There's no water, there's no air and there's no Moca Mola.

And...and most important, there is no me!

You are shouting again.

Shouting is allowed in a situation like this!

You know what? The only reason that you

keep talking about space

is because Arnot Pickens keeps talking about JFK!

Is paying $349,000.22 to the IRS in 30 days,

a ‘realistic and achievable’ dream, Darla Peterson?

[bubbling sounds]

[distant birds chirping]

[exhales]

[crickets chirping]

[Darla’s phone buzzes]

[Charity on phone] Hey Darla, you have eight days

left to pay the IRS. I know it's a bit of a countdown

but hey, that's why you keep me on payroll-

[Mother] I've been thinking, Darla Peterson.

Space can wait. Your taxes are more important.

[melancholic music begins]

[van door shuts]

[passing traffic noise]

[melancholic music gets louder]

[distantly] Tomatoes! Tomatoes! No tomatoes.

That!

That! And That!

[♪]

[Door shuts]

[Mother] Darla Peterson, did you know that all

Forbes ‘Women of the Year’

are millionaires by the time they are your age?

[Darla’s phone buzzes]

Mobile Menagery, how may I menage you today?

[Gruff voice] -This Darla Peterson?

Speaking.

If you ever want to see your Mother again,

we need our Mother back.

[pump dings]

Let's keep our current respective Mothers

and call it even.

[pump dings]

[phone ringing]

[man's voice] Advanced Dialectics & Decay customer service helpline

how may I direct your call?

It's Darla Peterson.

I can't believe you just hung up on me like that.

It's not my company. I just do what they tell me.

Let's get something straight.

I'm calling the shots because I don't care if I get Leona back,

How do I even know you even have her?

[phone noise]

[Leona’s voice] Darla? They only have

single-ply toilet paper.

Get your hands off my thermos bucko!-

[Mother] Are you in trouble, Darla Peterson?

[Gruff voice] As you can see, we mean business.

[Darla reads] The chapter on acceptance was the most

difficult one for me to conceive because I suffered

a personal tragedy while writing it.

My marriage ended when I filed for divorce because I could

no longer bear the guilt of the hundreds of affairs I had

during our 35 years of marriage.

My ex-husband forgave me.

But forgiving myself is so very difficult

because it is so difficult to accept acceptance.

[quirky music plays]

[book thuds]

I have something to tell you.

You were right.

I never intended on getting you to space.

Okay?

I thought I could...

earn the money,

and in the meantime, figure out the most humane

way of disposing of you.

I guess this is the end of our adventure.

Darla Peterson. I think I would like to menage.

[water splashing]

[exhales]

[disco music starts]

[disco music stops abruptly]

No, Darla Peterson.

Look around you.

[tranquil music plays]

[birds chirping]

[mystical soundscape]

[Darla moans]

[Darla moans]

[Darla moaning]

I love you.

Even though you do not love me.

[moaning continues]

[wings flapping]

-[gasping] -[water splashing]

I have an idea, Mother.

[Darla] First things first. We need a new Arnot.

[phone ringing]

[Gruff voice] -Advanced Dialectics & Decay

customer service helpline.

How may I direct your call?

It's Darla Peterson, returning your call.

I will discuss an exchange with one person who works for AD&D.

And it can't be you.

And it's got to be someone not in the least bit

threatening in their appearance or in their heart.

An intern maybe, someone who's socially awkward, perhaps.

Do you have anyone like that?

Yes. How about Thursday night-

I call the shots!

Thursday works great actually, I'll call you in the morning

with the location.

And in the meantime, if anything happens to my Mother

I'm going to light a big bonfire,

and I'm going to stick your Mother in it!!!

[birds chirping]

[suspenseful music]

[Mother] Is this subterfuge, Darla Peterson?

It's not subterfuge, it's survival.

[Phil Foss on radio] I'm in position.

-Any visual? -Not yet.

[Mr. Foss] What's going on with your Mom and

this psychiatrist guy?

Mom said I can't talk about that.

Yeah, well...

Yeah, well...

It's way past your bedtime, so

You really shouldn't be up right now.

[beeps]

[Phil Foss] They're alone, Darla.

Just like you told them to be. I’ll keep a wide radius.

‘Softly, softly, catchee monkey’, Mr. Pickens.

[suspenseful music continues]

[zooming sound]

[soap opera music]

[soap opera music fades out]

Brittney St. Clair???

You’re with AD&D?

I'm not just the widely beloved star of 27-time

Emmy Award-winning soap opera ‘Wild Urges’,

I'm also a paid celebrity spokesperson

for Advanced Dialectics of Decay.

What happened in that episode with Dieter...the chimp?

Oh he got physical therapy and then he got

reunited with his wife.

[radio voice murmurs]

Did you AD&D has cornered nearly 23% of the market on

America's yeast-derived products?

You'd be surprised the range of products that are made

from yeast-based extracts.

Everything from plastic bags, prescription drugs and...

carburetor fluid.

Carburetor fluid?

Whatever sordid activities you're up to with 88b-

Hey, Mother gives lonely people an outlet for their feelings.

She helps them, and not just with carburetor fluid!

Enough with the chit chat.

-[car door beeping] -Let’s do this exchange.

They say.

[beeping stops]

[Leona] Gosh, use a sanitizer...

Follow the sound of my voice Mom.

[Leona] Oh, I'm coming honey, I'm on my way...

-[Leona] Oh, I'm coming honey, I’m on my way... -[Darla] Leona!!!

Mom!!!

Good evening, Dr. St. Clair.

Welcome.

Hi Brittney St. Clair!

I've got a screenplay that's perfect for you.

They want me to menage with Yeast 88b,

to find out if she's still viable-

What in the hee haw is menage?

This is Menaging. You will orgasm.

Jesus jiminy.

Is that okay with you Mother?

Yes, Darla Peterson.

Okay, first this...

and then maybe we could talk about that screenplay?

[tranquil music plays]

[water splashing]

[hand ties clipping]

[distant sirens wailing]

Before we go...

Can I get Brittney St. Clair's autograph?

I'm sure we can figure something out.

[Brittney orgasms]

[motorcycle passing]

-[quirking music plays] -Ugh.

If you ever need a casket

for your cat.

Oh, okay.

Isn't it ironic that you play a character

on TV who saves animals

and I'm a real human being who buries them?

I...I think so.

I've always thought of you as an incredibly talented actress

and all around a wonderful human being.

And my opinion of you doesn't change just because you

represent a company that kidnapped my Mom.

I've always thought you were a wonderful human being too.

Even though I only met you 5 minutes ago.

-Okay. -Okay.

Bye.

Okay bye.

[car engine starting]

[Mother] This is subterfuge, Darla Peterson and I like it.

Time is not on your side, Mr. Pickens.

You absolutely must get to your destination

before you...well...die.

I'm sorry you keep dying and being reborn Mr. Pickens.

It’s Mother's money. She earned it.

These are the keys to many things.

All of them are yours.

Where do I drive, Darla?

Anywhere Mother wants.

[Arnot chuckles]

[traffic noises]

[Darla] Do you understand?

We have to separate.

Very soon they'll realize that your essence remained here.

And then they're going to turn you into carburetor fluid.

That's not okay.

You deserve space.

I understand, Darla Peterson.

[light quirky music plays]

[Darla] We can talk on the phone maybe.

[Mother] I'd like that very much, Darla Peterson.

Otherwise, I will miss you too much.

What will you do now, Darla Peterson?

Go back to cleaning offices, declare bankruptcy...

No, Darla Peterson. You will not declare bankruptcy.

You will keep on with Kitty Kasket because it is your dream

and you are very proficient at making them.

[door opening]

[door slams]

Hey it's Charity Legitimate!

Welcome to Kitty Kasket. Take a seat.

As your CPA, I am duty-bound to inform you

that this warehouse you've been gifted will solve your

tax problem this year. But next-

Charity. Have you been crying?

My cat Charlie. He’s dead.

I am so sorry.

Um, again. Your tax problem this year, solved.

Next year, you’re fuc-

Charity. Let's talk about Charlie’s

favorite colors and hobbies.

Okay?

[Darla] Try not to turn evil okay?

I’d feel really guilty if I unleashed a

human-ending yeast mass.

[Mother] You mean like putting an end to all the cats

in your local area

so that you will have thousands and thousands

and thousands of new caskets to create?

Yes, like that.

-[can opening] -[pouring sound]

[light quirky music continues]

This seems like a good place to scram, Mother.

I have made vast leaps in my evolution.

And it is all because of you.

Darla Peterson,

will you sing with me?

Yeah, Ok.

[crickets chirping]

[Darla and Mother duet] ♪ Anything's possible, ♪

♪ When you’ve got a fan. ♪

♪ Tomatoes don't have to Be a part of the plan. ♪

♪ You may not be perfect ♪

♪ But you’re doing The best that you can . ♪

♪ Mother and Darla, together In space. ♪

♪ The trip wasn't perfect, but We did it our way . ♪

♪ We had some fun... ♪

♪ You kind of killed Someone... ♪

♪ But for now, we'll say ‘Yeah, Ok.’ ♪

[plopping sound]

[light music plays]

I want to introduce to you our newest opportunity,

The ‘Buy Now And Bury Later’ program.

The beauty of the ‘Buy Now Bury Later’ program

is that you can use this casket for all kinds of things

and you don't have to wait until your cat is dead.

A box for your pet’s toys.

Or your winter gear.

Or use it as a planter.

Or cleaning supplies.

Or your ex-lover’s junk.

Act now and you'll become

an inaugural member of the Buy Now Bury Later program.

[light music continues]

[music stops]