Original subtitles

Max, can't you look any more existential?

Existential? You said nihilistic.

I feel like I should be doing something.

Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom."

Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine.

It's gonna blow!

Wow. Real life drama.

And I got every second of it.

Crap.

Hey! Come on back. Now I have a whole post-apocalyptic Waterworld feel.

Gills for everyone.

We just started the Reaper in the face, and you want us to keep working?

Yeah, we're like, traumatized.

Sorry Janey, we're going to need to take a few weeks off.

A few weeks off from what?

I hope your parents appreciate deconstructionism.

They won't even notice. Besides, they're in Greenland doing the walrus-tusk

fertility-fetish carving thing.

Always keeping up with the Joneses.

Trent! Jane! You are here.

Penny?

My name is Oliver Twist, sir.

Hey, Wind.

What are you doing here?

Katie is locked in our kitchen, taking some... um... private time, and our life

consultant says I should respect that. But, I'm hungry.

Oh, no! What happened to the gazebo?

What gazebo?

That's where Mom and Dad took us when we were born to decide our names.

You've got to fix it!

Um, Wind. I don't know how to break this to you, but I don't think Mommy and

Daddy will be bringing us home any new brothers or sisters.

Hmm, bummer.

You don't get it! I couldn't stand to lose such an important piece of my identity.

Oh, what chance does love have in the world when even the Naming

Gazebo falls to pieces?

Naming Gazebo?

Promise me you'll fix it.

How much money do you have?

Trent?

I have none, so I said nothing.

I really should...

Hey, maybe you could sell some of your paintings at that Art In The Park thing

they're having.

Hmm. The harvest of my inner torment on display right next to the falafel cart.

I like that.

Cool.

But, if I get the money, you have to handle all the sludge work.

Calling contractors, getting bids, scheduling the job, everything.

I don't know. The band and I are going to be pretty busy practicing these next

few weeks and...

Oh, yeah. We're traumatized. Okay, I'm on it.

We'll get it fixed.

Sandi, you would look so great in a caricature."

But, I would really like to see how the artist would draw you, Quinn.

Your face is so full of drawable parts.

I have an idea, he could draw all of us, you know, together.

That would really show how like, fun we are.

All right. Can you write, "friends forever," on it?

What a lovely sentiment. Please, take a seat.

Lock in profiles.

Look, Janet. Mice, made of clam shells.

Male mice! A fireman, a policeman, a doctor, who just happens to be a man.

I bet he's a gynecologist, too.

This one's wearing a raincoat, and it's called "Squeaking Wet." Isn't that clever?

Yah-hah!

Well, we are in the park, but I'm failing to see the art portion.

Clowns? Crying? Why, I've never heard of such a thing.

Maybe they're sad because they lost all their money in that poker game with the dogs.

Yo! Art lovers.

One of these things is not like the others.

Hello, sell-out.

Wouldn't I have to sell something for that to be the case?

How much are you asking for these?

Most of them are twenty-five bucks, except the topsy-turvy Van Gogh, that one's

ten million.

Do you know you've hung this Van Gogh copy upside down?

No, I painted it upside down. I hung it right-side up.

Come on, honey. Let's go find some pretty barn paintings.

Jane, these works of yours are among the most inspired and original I've seen

all day.

Thanks.

Do you realize this Van Gogh is upside down?

None of these numbers are gazebo numbers.

Hello, paramedics? Do you fix gazebos?

I do not look like that!

It's like our features are exaggerated or something.

Hey, if you don't want it, don't buy it. I'll use it as a sample.

But you can't put it on display! Someone might see it!

I'll take that as exhibit "A." Come on, maybe we can find someone else to insult us.

Well, guess we should head out.

Have fun, kids.

Are you going to be okay?

Okay? You know, Van Gogh hardly sold anything during his life, and it never

bothered him. Except for that whole going insane part.

Hey, did you paint this?

I know, I know, it's upside down.

Of course it is. Hanging a famous masterpiece upside down allows the viewer to

see its beauty totally independent of its content. I love it.

You do?

Sure, and I know talent when I see it. I hire artists to recreate the works of

the old masters for my gallery.

Well, I'm asking ten million bucks, but since you're in the business, I'll let

it go for fifty.

I've got a better idea. I'll sell as many of these Van Gogh's as you can paint,

and I'll only take, say, sixty percent commission. Here's my card.

Your place is called Gary's Gallery?

Larry's Louvre was taken.

What do you say?

Well, I could use a new gazebo.

This kicks butt. I'm finally getting real money for my artwork.

You're not worried about becoming a hack?

Not as long as I'm only in it for the cash. Money, money, money. I love money.

I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.

You're kidding, right?

Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.

Hey, weren't you guys supposed to be here two days ago?

Is that a problem?

I don't know, feels like it should be. Um, how's the gazebo?

Bad shape. We'll need to build you a new transverse arch before we can even

start talking about gable and bunting options. I'd say you're looking at five

hundred bucks.

Whoa. So, now what? Do I tell you to get to work? Or do you just, you know,

start up on your own?

That last thing you said.

Okay, cool.

So, are we all in agreement that we have been maliciously slandered and are

therefore in need of legal counsel?

Yeah, slandered.

Very well. Quinn, your mother is a lawyer, perhaps she'd be willing to plead our case.

Um, I can ask.

Excellent. All in favor of retaining Mrs. Morgendorffer so we can bring this

caricature assassin to justice and clear our good faces?

It's not often that I get treated to a slice with two toppings.

Well, now that my ship's come in, I figure why not spread the wealth around and

help the little people. My first commission, two hundred dollars.

Try to contain your exuberance.

I did think it would be more exciting. Maybe if it was for my own work.

But, hey. It's not like I'm going to be painting copies forever.

Just don't say that you can quit any time.

Jane Lane. Your Sunflowers sold this morning. Which means I have something for you.

Three hundred and fifty. Wow. Okay, I quit.

Quit? You can't quit Gary's Gallery.

No, that's the mafia. I'm sorry, this pays off the workmen at my house, and my

girl scout cookie debt.

I can't let you go. You're the best artist I have.

Thanks, but I don't feel like much of an artist unless I'm working on my own stuff.

I understand that. But, paints and canvases are expensive, you know.

Build your nest-egg now, while you have the chance.

Then, you can afford to work on your Jane Lane originals.

Money's not the issue here.

I'll increase your cut to sixty percent.

Money is the issue here.

And if you're that bored, you don't have to do Van Gogh's any more.

Any artist you like. What do you say?

Quinn, come in.

Mom, I need your help. This really mean guy drew an ugly picture of me and the

Fashion Club at the art fair, and we want to sue for defamement of character.

Quinn, you can't sue for defamation of character, he didn't do anything to harm

your reputation.

Yes he did! He made my face look like one big freckle!

Mom, the embarrassment, the pain, the suffering!

In the eyes of the law, pain and suffering are when a surgeon leaves his pager

in your spleen.

Eww! What if you were on a date and it started beeping?

Trent, those workmen. Shouldn't they be, I don't know, working?

Hmm.

Go on, tell them they can't be lollygagging around all day.

Um, okay.

Yo, T. What's going on?

Hey, I mean Hey! You guys aren't working.

Yes, we are. We're um, discussing measurement calculations.

Oh. Wait, I don't know anything about measuring, but I know all about lying

around, and you guys are definitely lying around.

What's your point?

Um, what am I paying you for? Uh... get to work.

Okay guys, back to work. You heard... the man.

Whoa! That's just cruel.

So with the gazebo paid off, I'm in pure profit territory, and I'm only painting

these in the style of...

You mean copies of.

Fine. I'm only painting them so I can support myself while doing my own stuff.

And based on your recent workload, you'll get to your own stuff right about the

time you start clipping coupons for denture paste.

Jane, your exploration of the class assignment looks remarkably similar to a Van Gogh.

You might want to keep those safety scissors away from her ears.

Okay, I'll admit that this is somewhat extracurricular.

You don't need to explain it to me, Jane. I just hope you never lose your own

unique style.

She didn't even say anything about my horsey.

Dammit to hell! What sociopathic paralegal keeps stealing my "sign here" post-its?

There's a Sandi Griffin on line one.

Sandi, is Quinn all right?

Actually, none of us are all right, given how we were cruelly maligned by that

so-called artist.

Sandi, I already explained to Quinn that a lawsuit is out of the question.

Yes, so she told me. But, Quinn is a simple, uncomplicated girl and perhaps

didn't consider other legal avenues we could explore to address our problem.

I'm really terribly busy.

You see, given that this person is hardly an artist and therefore falsely

represented himself, I thought we might take steps to have him disbarred.

Sandi, disbarring only applies to lawyers.

Exactly, and you're a lawyer. So, you can do it, voila.

Trent, you're up early.

Those workers promised to have something done by two o'clock, so I thought

I better get up to check it out.

Hey, why you could bring your easel down and

you can like, portray the birth of a new gazebo.

Trent, if I had a spare moment, I sure as hell wouldn't spend it painting.

Whoa. Copying burnout. That's why Spiral doesn't play covers, 'cause of what it

would do to our creativity. And the ironic thing is, I am as free as a bird.

Good for you, Trent. Stay true to your art, I'm sure you'll always have the

negative bank balance to prove it.

Hey, Janey. I'd rather balance my artistic statement than my bank statement.

What?

I don't know. I thought I had something there.

My arm's getting tired, dammit. It never used to.

What's more heartless than pilfering a roll of toilet paper? Transforming it

into a roll of twenties! The squeezably soft counterfeiter, next on Sick, Sad World.

Counterfeiting.

Hey, this doesn't go with the house. What about my resale value?

Look pal, that's why I rent.

Here's a funny thought, wouldn't it be hilarious if Gary were some huge art

counterfeiting kingpin?

Yeah, you'd be laughing all the way to the big house.

No, listen. What if my copies are good enough to fool people? It would be a

cinch for him to make millions off my hard work.

To finance his secret robot army, no doubt.

I'm serious. We're going to head over there right now and enact a sting operation.

Fine, you wear the mustache; I'll hide in the ceiling vent.

Here's the plan: there's an invoice book behind the counter that should tell us

who bought my last painting. But, you'll have to distract Gary while I'm grabbing.

And just how am I supposed to do that, Mr. Phelps?

You'll figure out something. Use your womanly attributes.

Gotcha, I'll give birth.

That'll work.

Hey, Jane. How's that Dali coming along? I think I can pre-sell it.

Great, great. Uh, Gary, this is my friend, Daria. She's... very interested in

art recreations.

Um, yes. I am very interested in art recreations. Although, gee, they look so

simple, as if anyone could do them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Let me show you. Why do people yearn to

see great paintings for themselves when they can just look in a book?

Paper cuts?

Color, texture, vibrancy. The palpable energy that comes from being in the

presence of the work itself.

Thanks for clearing that up Gary, but we really need get going.

Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. Can you do O'Keefe? The guy who bought your

last painting, Steve Taylor, wants one for his wife's birthday.

Ah-ha. Our clever subterfuge has unearthed the truth.

Steve Taylor bought my last painting?

He's a regular customer. Do you know him?

Oh, look. Lawn Jockey with Lantern. Do you think it's the original Rodin? Or a copy?

Go on, laugh now, while you can.

Jane, Daria, what are you doing here? You don't want to hang out, do you?

Is your father home? We have some questions about his art collection.

Oh! Why didn't you say so. I know all about my dad's art. He says I was born to

be an art pointer girl.

Kind of like that Sister Wendy on TV.

This is an umbrella holder made from a real elephant's foot.

Where's the rest of the elephant?

Huh? There's no elephant here.

Don't worry, I'm sure the hunters gave him a prosthetic foot and let him return

to his family.

Gee, I hope so. This painting is of a lion with some dead animals.

Brittany, does your dad have any art that isn't from or about dead beasts?

Oh, sure! We have a new picture by a really famous artist in the family room.

Dad says that's an original... um... someone.

Brittany, why didn't you tell me you were having friends over?

Oh, they aren't friends, just Daria and Jane.

You girls look familiar.

Maybe you've seen us on the museum circuit. We're big art aficionados.

Yeah? Me too.

I like this one above the fireplace. Is it an original Van Gogh?

An original? Ha. I'd need to be a billionaire. No, I found a great gallery

that's got a bunch of hacks churning out copies. They're really pretty decent

for the price.

Decent?

Well, yeah. I mean, nice brushwork, don't ya think? Except for this spot here,

where he gets kind of lazy. But, you get what you pay for, right?

Yeah, what you pay for.

Say, if you girls want to see something really impressive, you ought to check

out my trophy room. I just got my emu head mounted.

Dad, did that three-legged elephant learn to walk again?

Huh?

Do you want to talk about it?

No. Jeez, Daria. Even a cheeseball like Mr. Taylor could tell I'm a hack.

Lazy brushwork he said.

Coming from a guy whose home is decorated in early petting zoo?

I wouldn't worry about it.

But he was right, dammit.

Hey, Gary can't keep your paintings in stock. You're a star copiest. You've been

painting your butt off, they can't all be your best work.

None of them are my best work. Hell, none of them are my work.

Lately, I haven't even wanted to do original stuff.

Dammit, Daria! I never got creative block before.

Your creativity has been channeled into other areas, like inventing paranoid

delusions centered around nonexistent art counterfeiting rings.

Yeah, my ego couldn't take just being a hack. I had to be a super-hack.

Or maybe I just wanted Gary to be a con-man so I could quit without remorse.

Sure, because it's not like you'll have any remorse if you stay.

Trent!

You were supposed to get these guys to finish the job today.

It, it was just too hard yelling at them, Janey. When I look in their eyes,

I see... myself.

Okay, look. I almost went nuts working to pay you slouches. So, here's the deal.

If you want to see one red cent of your money, you have precisely four hours to

finish this stupid gazebo and get the hell out of here!

But, Ma'am. There's no way to finish in that time. We're only three people.

Funny, I count four.

Oh... Eww.

Hi, Tiffany. Quinn isn't home yet.

Actually, I came to see you.

Oh. Well, I'm just in the middle of an enormous...

Do you know what it's about?

Tiffany, I already explained...

That caricaturist.

Look! Tiffany, you can't sue the caricature artist. Nor can you have him

disbarred, deported, imprisoned or grounded. Do you understand?

Of course. You don't have to yell.

You're right, Tiffany. I'm sorry.

We need someone to break his fingers; like on that show about those guys.

So Gary took your resignation in stride?

He says his door's always open if I change my mind. But between us,

there's something fishy about that door. I think it's a counterfeit.

Whoa.

You know, maybe I will do a painting of the gazebo.

I can call it Descent Into Madness.

Or Gazebo.

Good thing Spiral's still traumatized. 'Cause I think I'm too sore to play.

What are you guys doing out here?

Mom, Dad. You're back early.

Our hotel broke off the mainland and floated away. Hey, it might not be safe to

sit in there.

We're risk takers.

We really should tear down that ugly thing.

Yeah, only country-house phonies have gazebos these days.

But Wind said this was your Naming Gazebo.

Wind said what? Wait, I remember.

Years ago, he wanted to change his name to Ronald.

We made up that story so he's appreciate the name we gave him.

Ronald?

You can see we had no choice. Tell you what. As soon as I unpack, Trent and I

will grab some axes and chop this gazebo up into kindling. Whaddaya say, son?

Uhhh.

I'm going to kill Wind.

So that caricaturist is going to get off scot-free?

It sickens me, Quinn. The criminals have more rights than the victims.

You should at least burn the picture, so no-one ever sees it again.

I should burn it? I though you had it.