Original subtitles

ALEX: When you start a business,

you sometimes forget that you're on a budget.

And you have to get rid of frivolous expenses.

Who knew small-batch imported marmalade could be so pricy?

Yeah, I noticed that your Spotify Premium membership just went up, too.

Man, modern life is so expensive.

How can I continue to afford my jam and my jams?

BEN: Shh!

What's going on? Why is... (WHISPERING) Dad.

(ROSALBA SNORING)

Is Rosalba asleep?

She's been out for a good hour.

How comforting.

She looks so peaceful,

like an adult Anne Geddes baby.

Hey, is your homework done?

I was gonna do it, but no one made me.

Well, someone is making you now. Go.

We better tuck her in. It's drafty.

There you go, Rosalba.

I like it when it's nice and tight.

You know, I think I might have a way we can save some money.

Oh, I don't know, babe. If we sell the couch,

she's just gonna find someplace else to sleep.

I meant Rosalba. (GASPS)

No! We can't let Rosalba go.

She's a part of the family. I love her.

Look, I don't want her to go.

She's been babysitting since Soraya was in diapers, but...

You know, she used to run around with the kids

and read to them and help them with projects.

And now it seems like all she does is nap

and listen to Tony Robbins CDs on her Discman.

And, I mean, when was the last time

she picked the kids up from school?

Which is the reason why we kept her.

Yeah. She told me only the devil drives after 2:45.

If we let Rosalba go, who's gonna watch the kids?

We can't just leave them alone for two hours after school.

What about Ben?

You really think he's ready for that level of responsibility?

Where do we keep the nine-volt batteries?

I'm just doing my monthly sweep

of the carbon-monoxide detectors.

See? He doesn't even know where the batteries are.

Ben, if we were to let Rosalba go

and pay you five bucks an hour to watch Soraya after school,

would you... Yes, Mom! I can do this!

And I'll use the money to open a college savings account.

No offense, Dad, but I took a gander at your ledger,

and it's not looking too good.

Well, a lot of that money's in the hands

of a certain Nigerian prince who now owes me a favor.

But as far as you babysitting goes, I don't know.

I can handle it, Dad.

I've kept Gary the goldfish alive for eight years.

And it would save us money.

I'd have to do some serious mulling.

What if we did a babysitting dry run?

Would that speed the mull?

You can't speed the mull, Ben.

It's a very delicate process, mulling.

A dry run's not a bad idea, Al.

But I was looking forward to a good mull.

Of course, I also love a good dry run.

Which one do I love more?

Hmm... Now I'm back to mulling.

Oh, Alex. Okay, fine.

We'll do a dry run.

Or will we? I'm gonna kill you.

Thank you for coming in, James.

We'll definitely be in touch.

And, hey, I know you weren't asking,

but I'd love to come to your improv show.

Great! Look forward to seeing you.

Guys, I think we found our new administrative assistant.

You've said that about every single person we've interviewed.

Because they're all so great in their own unique way.

It's like The Bachelorette.

I wish we could give them all a rose.

We should probably do hometowns.

That's your problem. You're too soft.

This is a business decision.

You got to take the personal stuff out of it.

Alex, you have to decide.

We are drowning in admin when we should be focusing

on stuff like the meeting with Nelson Munoz.

Oh, right. That's this week.

The guy with the radio thing.

"The guy with the radio thing."

Nelson Munoz is a broadcasting legend.

If Nelson Munoz decides to air us on his show,

it would be like winning the Powerball of podcasts.

He single-handedly put Who Killed That Guy? on the map.

I love Who Killed That Guy?

Who did kill that guy?

We never learn. That's what's great about it.

All the more reason to buckle down and pick an assistant.

Okay. I got it.

I'm just gonna take all these resumes home

and made a decision tonight.

I'm C.E.O. of this company,

and I can make tough choices.

I'm not gonna be swayed by the fact that Phil from UPenn

has to live with red-green color blindness.

Think about Christmastime for Phil.

No. I don't care.

Screw him! Sucks for you, Phil.

Where's the fire extinguisher?

Under the sink.

Where's the other fire extinguisher?

Coat closet, next to the broken vacuum.

Okay. The phone rings. Brrring, brrring!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hey, Ben. It's me, Emily.

You wanna chat? Sorry, Emily.

I can't talk right now, but I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Oh, but, Ben, I'm so lonely.

Alex! (NORMAL VOICE) Okay. Final question.

You get home from school, you're making a snack,

ants on a log, grapes, that weird bag of juice.

A picture of domestic after-school bliss...

When, suddenly, Soraya chokes on a grape.

(GASPS) (CHOKING)

How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?

First, I wrap my arms around her.

All right, take it down a notch, Meryl Streep.

Sorry. Then with the thumb side of my fist,

I press against her abdomen, below her ribcage,

and above her navel,

and exert pressure until the grape is expelled.

Wow. Is that right?

What do I know? I'm not a paramedic.

Oh, come on. He was incredible!

Okay, get out of here while we discuss your fate.

So? Are you convinced?

I'm actually thinking Soraya's safer with Ben than with us.

Now all that's left to do is fire a beloved member of our family.

I'll handle it. Don't worry.

No, no, no. I'll do it.

You'll do it? (LAUGHS) Okay.

Why does everyone think I can't be a hard-ass?

I mean, first Eddie and Deirdre with this hiring thing,

and now you. Ben thinks that he's been taking care

of the same goldfish for years

because you couldn't tell him that the first Gary died,

so you've been buying him replacement Garys.

Gary 15 was my favorite.

Sure, I don't like giving bad news,

but I'm not incapable of it.

I'm a C.E.O. now, and that's part of the job.

Love this new attitude. Totally not buying it.

Look, I may have a reputation for being soft, but I can get hard.

Very hard.

Now, poor Rosalba's about to see just how hard I can get.

What?

You really don't hear it?

You're a C.E.O. You're a C.E.O.

Yes, you are a C.E.O., and you are the best C.E.O.

Oh, thank you, Rosalba.

But, actually, can I talk to you for one second?

Of course, Mr. Schuman. I'm here.

Que pasa? Um...

You are... You're great.

You are so great.

I mean, our whole family loves you so much.

Te amos all around.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

But as much as we te amo you,

like, you know, the kids are growing up,

and I started this new company.

And ever since then, money is very pequano.

Pequeno. Exactly.

Also, at my other trabajo, we're hiring a new assistant,

and that's more money.

So, change is in the air, you know.

And I don't want you to think of this as an ending,

but actually as a new beginning, you know?

To new beginnings. Right?

Nuevos...

rancheros.

All right? Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes, I understand, Mr. Schuman.

Okay. Thank you.

Feliz Navidad, okay? Feliz Navidad.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Do you want to say goodbye to the kids?

No, I'm good.

Pretty hard.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) Told ya.

Good morning, guys!

Notice anything different about me?

You plucked your eyebrows. Yeah, eyebrows!

(CHUCKLES) Deirdre, get your head in the game.

No. Even though it was very difficult for me,

last night, I fired our family's beloved babysitter, Rosalba.

Look at you. Big, bad Al.

So, did you also happen to pick an assistant? I did not.

But now that I've shown I can make very difficult choices,

I'm prepared to hire someone who is sharp and driven and...

Rosalba?

Buenos dias. Here I am, Mr. Schuman.

You hire me to work. And I am here.

The new eyebrows really capture your surprise.

I'm Rosalba. I work at Ahana. Hi.

Nice to meet you. Okay, wait.

So, you tried to fire your kids' babysitter, but...

Now she thinks she works at Ajana.

Hi. I'm Rosalba. I work at Ahana. Hi.

Nice to meet you. You too.

Yep, I believe that's what we're seeing.

But you know what? Maybe there's some lemonade to be made here.

Maybe Rosalba is the assistant we've been looking for.

Alex, I hate to disagree with you.

I hate it enough to make two fists.

But we have a ton of actually qualified candidates

for this job. Shame on you, Deirdre.

Just because Rosalba doesn't have the latest pantsuit

from Paris or Milan or Burlington...Coat Factory

doesn't mean she wouldn't make a perfectly excellent employee.

Oh, really?

Is that why you fired her from babysitting your kids?

Well, she'd outgrown that, Eddie.

She needed a new challenge.

And what could be more challenging

than working for a company she knows nothing about,

conducted in a language she barely speaks,

using a technology that frightens her terribly?

(CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh, look.

That's Rooni.

I can't wait to tell her about this wonderful,

out-of-the-box idea I just had.

Hey, hon!

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, nothing worth mentioning.

Can I tell you something crazy?

I'm more nervous than I thought I'd be

about leaving the kids at home.

Oh, come on. They'll be fine.

Ben's a born Heimlich'er.

Well, I guess it doesn't help

that I just found out I have to go to Rikers Island.

(GASPS) Is this your one phone call?

You know you make that joke every time I say I'm going to a prison?

Yeah. ROSALBA: Whoa!

I'm flying! Uh... You know what, babe?

I should probably get going.

Listen, can you just make sure you get home by 6:00?

It would make me feel a lot better.

ALEX: Okay. I'll be home by 6:00.

ROONI: Bye! Love you!

Oh. Rooni thought my out-of-the-box decision to hire Rosalba

put the "Oh" in C.E.O.

Yeah. Rosalba seems to really be taking to office life.

(SIGHS) Lunes...

Am I right?

She's not wrong.

I can't believe this is happening!

Me neither. It's gonna be epic.

It's gonna be epic, all right.

Okay. First off, a healthy snack.

Then 10 to 15 minutes of rest for proper digestion,

and then, of course, homework.

Or I eat this cherry popsicle and you do whatever you want,

because no one's in charge right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm in charge right now,

and popsicles are not on the agenda.

Mom and Dad are trusting me,

and I'm not about to squander this opportunity.

How am I related to a mathlete?

Hey! I may be known for my mathleticism,

but that doesn't mean I'm not fun.

If you finish your homework, I'll let you watch

that Ken Burns documentary on the Roosevelts.

Yeah, I'm out.

But you love Ken Burns!

What do you mean, "out"?

I mean I'm not doing your dumb agenda.

(TV BEEPS)

Death Feast 9?

But that's a horror movie! Yep.

Soraya, if you buy that,

I'm gonna have to tell Mom that you were out of control.

Yeah? But if you do that,

what you're really telling Mom

is that you couldn't handle this job.

And you can say goodbye to all that babysitting money.

I'm gonna press this button, and you're gonna walk away.

(TV BEEPS) (SIGHS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

That's what I thought.

Okay. So, this is my e-mail inbox, okay? You see this e-mail...

Getting Rosalba up to speed wasn't gonna be easy.

But I didn't want Eddie and Deirdre

to think I'd made a mistake by hiring her.

Okay? Do me a favor. You try it.

Drag this whole thing over to the trash.

(SCOFFS) Okay, you know what?

That's on me. Bit of a language barrier.

Rosalba, I need you to take some...

iniciativo.

Iniciativa. Iniciativa.

You got it. Let's get on that.

Alex? Yeah?

Can we talk to you in the conference room for a minute?

Yes. Of course. Rosalba...

Inciativa! Iniciativa!

You got this. Whoo-hoo.

Al, Rosalba has got to go.

She has no idea what she's doing.

She ordered 1,000 ink cartridges

for a printer that we do not have.

She sent a blank e-mail to all of our contacts.

She's like an elderly Amelia Bedelia.

We asked her to order lunch.

She got one Italian sub...

for herself. All right, look, you guys.

I know Rosalba has made some mistakes.

Who amongst us hasn't?

But I know in my heart that she's good at something.

(WHIRRING) Oh, God. She's got tools.

Wha...

See? Look at that!

She's taking some initiative.

She's putting together that IKEA desk

we've been meaning to build for months!

Yeah, that desk is called Skarsnorp.

I know, 'cause I have it in medium.

Oh.

And see? You were wrong!

She ordered lunch for everybody.

Oh, wait, no.

That appears to be another sub just for Rosalba.

(BUZZER)

Sorry to have kept you waiting.

Random cavity searches.

(WHISPERING) They did not go deep enough.

(POPS LIPS) No problem.

Uh, Mr. Felix, we are gonna do our best to get you out of...

Wow, that is a lot of meth. Oh, you think that's a lot?

You should see the shed behind my house. (LAUGHS)

Wait. We have a no-tattling thing, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

(SIGHS) Damn it.

What? Something about my parole?

Nope. Not that.

Uh... We left the kids at home alone for the first time today,

and my phone died.

You know, my parents left me alone all the time.

I think I turned out pretty okay.

Hey, can you Google how to make a shiv?

I'm new here. I got a lot of meth to protect.

You know what? I'm just gonna make a quick phone call.

Okay.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, man!

That zombie's gonna tear her arms off!

Popsicle, please.

Now, you promised if I brought you one more popsicle,

you'd turn it off.

I lied. (GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

Why would they eat a face?

They're zombies. They love face.

(PHONE RINGS) (GASPS)

It's just the phone, scaredy-cat.

Remember, we only take calls from Mom or Dad.

Who's Rikers Island?

Don't answer that!

(RINGING CONTINUES) (WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV)

(SIGHS)

Anything?

Oh, I'm sure you're overreacting.

What are they, 15? 16?

Twelve and eight. Gah!

What's wrong with you?

You should be in this jumpsuit.

Thanks, Dave.

And you wanted to fire her.

Look at all this productivity!

The Swedes make it very easy.

Plus, their little meatballs ain't bad either.

You are supposed to cook those.

Nah, I just let 'em defrost in my mouth.

Great news. Mr. Munoz is here.

What? What? Why is he here?

He's not supposed to be here till tomorrow.

Because he call and he ask if he could come today instead of tomorrow.

And I say okay.

Iniciativa.

Oh. Bad iniciativo.

This is a nightmare. We are completely unprepared.

We don't have any food. The conference room is booked.

And I'm not wearing a poplin ruffle top with a high-waisted pant!

What if we cancel?

We can't cancel. He's already here.

Do you want me to tell him to go? No, no, no, no.

Rosalba, don't... Don't tell anyone

to go or come or anything, okay?

Could you please just do me a favor and get him some water?

Hot or cold?

Not hot.

So, cold.

Yep.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Okay. Let's go talk to him.

DEIRDRE: Oh, my goodness!

Mr. Munoz, may I say you put the "body" in Peabody Award?

I probably shouldn't. Okay.

Deirdre, why don't you go to the conference room

and collect yourself? Okay.

Big fan! Listen to your stuff all the time.

Oh, really? Which "stuff," exactly?

The one where the people try to do that thing,

but then, they don't do...that thing.

Mr. Munoz, I'm Alex Schuman.

I think Eddie's referring to that segment you did

where you and your father went to Rome.

I have to know. Did your father ever find those boots?

Wow. How do you remember that?

That... That was like eight years ago.

He did this amazing piece where him and his father traveled around Italy.

Yeah, but nobody ever talks about the boots.

Everyone wants to know how I could've possibly lost my passport.

Well, you know what? I could hear in your voice

just how important those boots were to him.

Well, he got them.

Thanks for asking. Sure.

You know, why don't we go over to our little area?

Yeah. You caught us a little off guard today, but...

I'm glad you're here.

I was hoping you and I could share some stories,

and you can get a little sense

of what it is we're trying to do here.

That sounds great.

You know, there's a little follow-up to that boot story.

Oh? I remem...

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

I'm so sorry! The Skarsnorp!

What the hell happened?

(IN SPANISH)

Rosalba.

Lunes...

Am I right?

That couldn't have gone worse.

That's what I thought, until Deirdre offered to give him mouth-to-mouth.

It was crazy how she carried him out.

It was like a mother lifting a van off a baby.

This is all my fault.

If only I'd fired Rosalba, none of this would've happened.

Yep. Pretty much.

I can't do it, man. Okay?

You were right. I'm too soft.

I'm like a frickin' Care Bear.

I actually think a Care Bear would be an excellent C.E.O.

And I think you will be, too,

because you do care so much about people.

It's like with that Munoz guy.

He was headed out the door until you reeled him back in

by caring about his dad's dumb boots.

I connected to his story.

I don't know how that helps me run my business.

Because a company is just a bunch of people.

People you're gonna care about too much.

And the bigger this company gets,

the more people there's gonna be to care about.

The only catch is, every once in a while,

if an old lady's hurting your business,

taking care of the rest of the people

might mean kicking that old lady to the curb.

But the good news is,

you're just soft enough to be able to do that.

You got this.

(GROWLING ON TV) (WOMAN SCREAMING)

Hey!

You just made me miss the little zombie girl eating a foot!

I just wanted to tell you that I've decided to tell Mom

that I actually don't want the babysitting job after all.

Fine with me. Good.

So, I guess it's after-school activities for us.

What? Wrong.

Soraya don't do after-school activities.

Well, Soraya do now.

Thanks to Dad following his dreams,

we can't afford a new babysitter, so...

if I'm out, their only option will be

to enroll us in two-to-four hours

of extremely supervised activities.

Like Mathletes?

Exactly like Mathletes.

And, trust me, I was just like you when I was your age.

And then I did one day of Mathletes, and boom.

Things just sort of snowballed from there.

When you look at me, you're seeing your future.

Okay, okay. That can't happen to me.

That's what I thought.

Rosalba, there's something I need to talk to you about,

and it's very, very difficult for me to say, but it needs to be said,

and it really has to be said right now.

I want to talk to you, too. Okay, you go first.

And take as much time as you need.

No. No, no, no, no. Sorry.

That's the old Alex. That's the old Alex.

I can do this. (BREATHES DEEPLY)

Rosalba.

You can't work here anymore.

No, Rosalba, let me finish.

You'll always be a very dear friend to our family.

But this company means too much

to have someone who isn't a perfect fit stay on board.

Now, did you have something you wanted to say?

I cannot work for you anymore.

What? Yeah.

I wrote you an e-mail.

It's handwritten.

It says that you'd like to retire.

You've worked for many years,

and you'd like to spend more time with your grandchildren.

"I only took this job because I didn't want to let you down.

"Also, there's a cruise I've heard about called Hedonism

"that leaves for Barbados in a month.

"Apparently anything goes...

"If you know what I mean."

I do.

Well, look. I think it all worked out. Right?

But, hey, for the record, I fired you first, right?

Mmm. For the record if you say so.

I do say so. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay. Hey, let's have a hug.

Those are the best. Oh.

I'm gonna miss these. You're the best.

So strong. Mmm.

Hey, uh, next week, you want to maybe come by

and say goodbye to the kids?

No, I'm good.

Ben? Soraya?

Oh, my God, this place looks amazing!

Well, why wouldn't it?

Well, I don't know.

I just thought that...

Did you get your father's pie stain out of the rug?

The secret is blotting the stain from the outside in.

Outside in. Huh. Mmm-hmm.

Wow. Guys, I am really impressed.

You get what you pay for with Ben Schuman.

You get what you pay for with Ben Schuman.

I see that.

Did you really think something bad

was gonna happen with Ben around?

I mean, he booby-trapped the whole house like it was Home Alone.

There's still marbles all over the stairs.

I don't know.

I had this whole story in my head.

I thought it was gonna be a complete disaster.

I think part of me wanted it to be a disaster.

I mean, maybe not a disaster,

but at least a banged-up elbow or a skinned knee.

Something to show that they still need me.

Of course they still need you, baby.

Come on. Yeah, but not for long.

Their childhood's gonna be over before we know it.

I know. Soraya told me she's interested in going on Rumspringa.

(CHUCKLES) Look at me.

I mean, I'm supposed to be the hard one,

and I'm freaking out,

and you haven't even thought about Rosalba once today.

Yep. She never crossed my mind.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Can I sleep with you guys tonight?

I'm scared.

What are you scared of, bud?

Well, you don't need a reason.

Come on in here.

Cute little unicorn. Get up here.

Oh, hey, guys. Just checking that everything's cool

and no zombies in here.

Oh, are we doing a family bed thing tonight?

Okay. I'm down for that.

Get in here. Come in, buddy.

Cuddle with me?

Thank you for your service, Gary Number 21.

Say hello to all the other Garys.

Whoa! Ben! Occupied! Occupied! Occupied!

Dad, what are you doing?

Okay, you know what?

I can't hide bad news from anyone anymore.

I need to come clean.

Gary died...

seven years ago.

Dad, how could you? How could you...

possibly think that I didn't know this?

You knew?

Gary Number 7 was a kosher hot dog!

Yeah, I was very busy that week.

Look, you don't need to buy any more replacements.

I don't even like fish.

Are you sure?

We just got a punch card from the pet store.

One more fish, we get a gerbil.

I don't want a gerbil. Okay.

Say hello to Nemo.