All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S04E01.WEB.STARZ+AMRAP+ION10+NF.AJP69.HI.C

[JUDGE] Michael designs
the new neighborhood.

Bad Place gets to choose
the four new humans.

The other residents will be Janet babies.

[DEREK] You know,
if we pooled our resources,

we could be done
in two shakes of a lamb's Derek.

[JANET] Thanks, Derek.

When you fail, the four humans
will be tortured for all eternity.

But guess who's going to be
doing the torturing?

We built a Michael suit.

I can't do it. It's too scary.

Hi, John. I'm the architect.

Come on in.

[TAHANI] The Bad Place
didn't pick the worst people.

They picked the people
who would be the worst for us.

You need to erase my memory and reboot me.

[ELEANOR] Hi, Chidi. I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

[CHIDI] Wow. Just "wow." It's perfect.

Everything is just perfect.
I am so, so happy!

I'm glad you like it.

It's so quaint.

It feels cozy
but also vibrant and limitless.

I can't believe how utterly,
completely, 100% perfect

- everything is.
- You know, let's keep this moving.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Here is your new home,

complete with two of your favorite things,
floor-to-ceiling bookshelves and...

Reading lights! I love reading lights.

They're great for reading.

And, oh, check this out.

Um, hold out your hand...
and think about a book.

[WHOOSHING]

[CHORTLING]

I can summon philosophy books
like Thor's hammer.

This is literally my number one dream.

Also...

Ow! [CHUCKLING]

That hurt.

[ELEANOR] Well, I have a lot
to attend to, um...

Welcome to the Good Place, Chidi.

Thank you so much.

Uh, and I'm sorry, this has been
so overwhelming, I forgot your name.

- Eleanor.
- Eleanor. Right.

Sorry. Eleanor. Eleanor. Eleanor.
Now I'll never forget.

Well, ya might! [CHUCKLES]

- Okay, can we not...
- [TAHANI] Oh, Eleanor.

You did a brave thing
and I am embracing you.

And I shall not let you go.

And I am also embracing you

because this feels warm
and my hands are cold.

Guys, I'm good!

Honestly, it wasn't
even as bad as I thought.

I mean, who cares
if he doesn't remember my name?

Oof.

I mean, "cool-f."

Good save, bud.

Let's just concentrate
on the next resident,

who gets here in six minutes.

Wait. I need to say something.

I know this seems bleak,

and it feels like we're all doomed,
and therefore humanity is doomed.

You needed to say that?

The point is, I believe
that we're destined to succeed.

There is nothing that the Bad Place
can throw at us that we can't handle.

Because we are an incredible,
inspiring, brilliant group of...

Supercharged D-bag ass-wiping maniacs.

I mean, look at you!

I am so proud of how disgusting
and cruel you all are.

You suck.

You all suck donkey butts.

Tahani, so... so smart and sophisticated.

She was the only one who was able
to talk me out of that goatee.

Well, I lost that battle
with Robert Downey Jr.,

and I'll be damned if I lose it with you.

- Bambadjan, such an unbelievable dingus.
- Thanks.

And Val.
Who's a bigger skid mark than Val?

Maybe your mom.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Classic.

We have Janet,
who can do literally anything.

She made all the other people
in the neighborhood.

Not people.

We have me, who had a momentary setback,
but I'm feeling great now,

and that was a while ago.

Most of you don't even remember it,
probably.

We have Jason, who can...

And marching us into battle,
our fearless leader,

the pride of Phoenix, Arizona,
Eleanor Shellstrop!

[ALL CHEERING]

Technically, the Pride of Phoenix
is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper

made from cigarette butts.

It's outside City Hall.

But thank you for the kind words.

With this team,
there's no problem we can't solve.

There is no problem we can't create.

And believe me,
we are gonna create some problems.

So let's kick things off
with our official Bad Place song!

1 877 Kars for Kids

K-A-R-S Kars for Kids

Ooh, are we singing?

Shut up, Glenn.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I think you look great.

Professional, serious,
a proper team leader.

Does make me feel authoritative,
like that chick from Law and Order.

"Well, boys, looks like
we've got ourselves an SVU."

I've never seen the show.

- [WHOOSHING]
- Okay. Who we got next?

Linda? Come on in.

So, you, Linda Johannsen,
are in the Good Place.

That's nice.

I know this can be a little overwhelming,
but you'll get used to it.

Do you have any questions?

Is there a fitness center?

There can be,

plus literally anything else
you could possibly wish for.

Just in case we weren't clear,
this is the Good Place.

A state of eternal happiness.

Paradise.

That's nice.

I like that.

[ELEANOR] So, the Bad Place sent Simone
to mess with Chidi,

John to mess with Tahani...

Do you think they sent Linda
to mess with Jason?

She's from Norway.
Is Norway, like, the opposite of Florida?

All I know is she's boring.

She makes Neutral Janet
look like Disco Janet.

Disco Janet was around
for a while years ago.

She was great.

I mean, she was a lot, but she was fun.

Actually, that's a good idea.
Let's unload this dead weight.

- Janet?
- Hi, there!

Linda, this is Janet.

If you want anything at all,
Janet can bring it to you. Watch.

Janet, can I have a baby elephant
made of pure light

that tells you true secrets
about the universe?

- Shirley Temple killed JFK.
- [ELEANOR] See?

Anything you want from Janet?

Can I have... a peppermint?

Sure!

[DING]

I'm going to go over there now.

Stonehenge was a sex thing.

Brent, come on in.

So, you, Brent Norwalk, are dead.

Really? Well, that blows.

Uh, you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing, actually.

Some journalist was poking around,

calling all these ladies
who used to work for me.

You can't even make a joke these days.

Everything is so PC.

And I was an equal opportunity
offender, okay?

I made jokes about everybody.

And, by the way,
I'm the furthest thing from racist.

My dentist was a black woman.

I just think people need to loosen up.

So, where am I exactly?

The Good Place.

Cool. Good.

[ELEANOR] So, Brent, I see from your file
you were in the materials business.

Oh, yeah. Big time.

Strings, cords,
vinyl, synthetics, rubber...

We do vulcanized now, so that's huge.

Plus metals. Aluminum, brass, copper.
What else?

- Steel?
- No, not steel.

Steel's a sucker's game.

Polymers, coatings, internals...

You crack open an HVAC, that is all us.

Is there golf here?
There freakin' better be.

Okay, well, why don't you
explore around a bit while I go far away?

And if you need anything,
you can always ask Janet.

- Janet?
- Hi, there! How can I help you?

A secretary. Great.

- Not a secretary.
- Fine. Executive assistant.

Here we go with all the "terms"
we got to learn, right?

Vice President of Helping! Captain Marvel!
You know what I'm saying.

I'm not part of this.

Let me show you around.

Well, Linda must be here for Jason,

because Brent is definitely here
to annoy the fork out of me.

Everyone, you may remember
Matt from Accounting.

The Judge has assigned him to our project.

So, I'll be monitoring
the four new humans.

A modified points system will be applied
to their actions for the next year,

and then we'll know
how much better or worse

their behavior is
than when they were alive.

But no one will be able to see
what's happening in real time.

Good luck saving humanity
from eternal doom!

[BOARDS CLATTER]

[HUMS]

[ELEANOR] Okay, forget about
all that stuff.

For this first week, all we need to do

is figure out what the fork is up
with these benches.

So, I made this.

We start them out on this side,
because we're like, "What's your deal?"

And when we feel we have a handle
on who they are,

what makes them tick,
we move them to this side...

Party time!

We already know a lot about Simone, so...

Boom!

See? One down, three to go.

Let's go figure out the others.

We can do this.

On three. "Dead eyes, eat hearts,
can't lose!"

Sorry, old Bad Place rallying cry.

[DEREK GROANS] Aww!

Janet, he's walking around again.

Yeah, I see that.

Derek, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to stay at Mindy's.

I can't help it.
I'm just such a proud daddy Derek.

I mean, will you look at all these
beautiful babies that we made?

She made them, dude.
You barely did anything.

Probably just made all the butts.

I did make all the butts.

- I made that butt, I made that butt.
- [JANET] Mmm, right.

- [DEREK] I made both those butts.
- [JANET LAUGHS]

Derek, you have to stay at Mindy's house.

What if one of our new humans sees you

and starts asking questions
about the weirdo in the tux?

Say no more. But before I leave,
can I have a hug

in celebration of everything
that we created?

- [JANET] Okay.
- [DEREK] Aww!

That feels so...

Derek.

You are all, simply put, good people.

The point of the video
is to make them all confront

what kind of people they were on Earth.

Keep a close eye on our four subjects.
Try to gauge their reactions.

The subtlest glances,
the tiniest flinches...

What about shaking someone by the head?

What does that mean?

[MICHAEL] Oh, boy.

Hey, Simone. Everything okay?

Yeah. Well, no.

Well, actually, it doesn't matter.
None of this is real.

- Sorry?
- I'm a neuroscientist,

so I get what's going on here.

You know, clearly, I was in
some kind of horrible accident,

I'm on my deathbed, and this entire thing
is just a hallucination

constructed by my damaged brain
as it slowly shuts down.

It's not real.

So, I'm just gonna wander around
until I wake up or die.

See ya later, figments of my imagination.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

She's just gonna go get some popcorn
from the... river.

There's a popcorn river.
I'll show you guys later.

Uh, she said keep going without her,
so let's roll it.

Janet, make a popcorn river.

Everyone else,
meet at Mindy's in ten minutes.

Well... we're off to a fantastic start.

I wish I could stay and help,
but this system is so complex

that if I lose concentration
for even one billionth of a second,

the entire neighborhood could collapse
in on itself like a dying star.

Also, Brent wants a BLT.

Simone's reaction is fairly common.

When I worked in the Bad Place,

some people just wouldn't believe it
when they heard they were dead.

How did you convince them?

They'd usually come around
by the third or fourth day of mouth fleas.

Obviously, not an option here.

But if Simone doesn't think this is real,

she definitely won't become
a better person.

Who can convince her
that this actually is the afterlife?

We need someone authoritative
and reassuring

like Nelson Mandela
or Sir Patrick Stewart,

or, really, any of my old
racquetball partners would do.

Oh, I know who it should be.

If you say Blake Bortles,
I'm gonna slap you a lot.

Chidi. I believe everything
Chidi ever tells me

because of his brain and how he looks like

one of those owls
that graduated from college.

Of course!

Time to activate our ethical sleeper agent
and introduce him to Simone.

Uh, I don't know.

Simone isn't struggling
with a philosophy problem.

She's just, you know, like... being silly.

Let's just get her to the welcome party
and I'm sure she'll be fine.

- [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Eleanor, look what my brain did!

It's not real, and neither are you.

I'm in a coma and none of this is real

Okay, I know this is bad
and we need a new approach,

but she is wearing
the hell out of those foam fingers.

Root-a-toot-toot

Dude, Janet told you to stay at Mindy's.

I know. I just came to mix myself
a Derek and then I'll be on my way.

Before you leave, I wanna call a truce.

All right.

I feel like you're trying
to get under my skin, but it's okay.

I've decided to rise above it.

Well spoken, Mr. Mendoza.

Let me say in response...

I will destroy you.

Janet is and always will be
my mommy-girlfriend.

You have crossed the Rubicon now, pal.

[LAUGHING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

[DEREK CHEWING] Mmm...

[ELEANOR] Okay, status report.

What have we learned about Linda?

Little, I'm afraid.

I tried talking to her, but it was
the dullest conversation I have ever had.

And this is coming from someone who
once split a Xanax with Peter Sarsgaard.

Frankly, I'm glad she's boring.
We have enough to worry about.

- How is Brent doing?
- About the same, I'd say.

Princeton.

Graduated in the top half
of the bottom half of my class.

Rowing team, sailing team,
class president,

I hung out with all those guys.

Okay. And John,
our favorite gossip columnist?

Luckily, before I died, I pumped my face
with six vials of Juvederm.

I'm hoping that my corpse
looks like a waxed tile floor.

My ex-boyf is gonna be supes jeal'.

Okay, well, I'm gonna do a loop
trying to see who gets me.

Our biggest liability right now is Simone.

Let's try to keep the three of them
away from her.

We can't wait any longer.
We have to introduce Simone to Chidi.

Why? I think she's doing great.

- [CRASHES]
- [CROWD GASPS]

See?

She's getting all the cake-pushing
out of her system.

I know it's painful to think
of the two of them... connecting.

But Chidi made an incredible sacrifice.

He had his memories erased
so he could help people.

And if we don't let him help Simone,
it'll be all for nothing.

Fine.

Stupid ethical, reasonable argument.

Wish you were a cake. Push you over.

- Are you still muttering?
- No, I stopped.

Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon.

[SIMONE GASPS]

Whoa!

[BOTH YELPING]

[ELEANOR] Hey, there, Simone!

- Shoving people in the pool, huh?
- Yeah.

Just testing the laws of physics
here in my nonsense brain-jail.

- Who's this?
- This is Chidi Anagonye.

He was a professor
of ethics and moral philosophy,

so I figured he might be able to help.

Chidi Anagonye. That sounds so familiar.
Where did you teach?

St. John's University in Sydney.

Of course. I used to teach there.

I must have seen his name
on the faculty list

and now my dying brain
is just leaking out random information.

[EXCLAIMS]

The human mind is truly incredible.

I want something else

To get me through this

Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby

Sorry... uh, what's happening now?

When I was a kid, my CD alarm clock broke

and it used to wake me up
to that song every day,

so now I'm singing it
to try and wake myself up.

Okay. Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you, too, cute guy generated
by my rapidly-decaying temporal lobe.

[VOCALIZING]

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey...
- You know,

it's bad enough that you guys
have taken over my house for a year

and I've had to move into the attic,

but now I have to walk in to find

Darth Vader's turd
in the middle of my living room.

I mean, what is this?

No time to explain.

Also, I kinda forgot.

Where is Derek's plunger?
The one that kills him?

[MINDY] Yeah, I used to do this
whenever I needed some alone time.

Once, I rebooted him
just because he was breathing super loud.

Then, when he woke up,
he was like, "I don't breathe."

So I don't know what I heard.

Well, I'm doing this because
he's trying to steal my girlfriend.

Yeah. You don't need to justify it.

Again, I do it all the time.

No! Mindy, please wait. Don't kill me.

Oh!

It's you? Okay.

Well, you certainly
don't have the Dereks to...

[BOOMING]

[LOUD THUD]

[MINDY LAUGHING]

Yeah!

Oh!

It's always good.

[VOCALIZING]

You know what, Simone?
Think of it this way.

If this is really all a hallucination,
doesn't it seem kinda basic?

I mean, surely your brain
would imagine something weirder

than just a nice cocktail party.

[SIMONE] You mean like that?

Attention, I have been Derek'd.

That's probably my doctor.
[CHUCKLES] This is all in my head.

I'm gonna go eat a knife.

Attention. Murder has been me.

Let me get this straight.

Derek "made mean eyes at you,"

so you went to Mindy's house
and murdered him?

Yeah, dawg, but his eyes were really mean.

You're probably thinking this...

but they were more like this...

Jason, why did you kill Derek?

I had to get his giant head out of the sky
before any of the humans could see,

and it was not easy.

I was scared Derek was trying
to slide into your DMs.

- [JANET EXCLAIMS]
- I hate being scared. It's scary.

I don't have time for this.

I am running a neighborhood
and its residents,

and Eleanor just casually orders me
to make popcorn rivers

and Brent won't stop calling me for stuff.

Ugh!

Are we still boyfriend/not-a-girlfriend?

We'll talk about it later.

Okay. Executive decision.
Forget about Simone.

Janet, make sure she doesn't come
in contact with the other humans.

Let's focus on Linda.

We ought to be able to figure her out.
We can just liven her up a bit.

We'll just sprinkle some cocaine
on her peppermints or something.

Does anyone else find it suspicious

that the Bad Place
sent someone so... dull?

No, it makes perfect sense to me.

They are trying to drive us insane

by giving us
a big, boring glob of plain yogurt.

Tomorrow morning,
we start Operation Linda.

Okay, you heard the lady.

We'll meet in the town square
bright and early.

Janet, set up for Flying Day.

Cool.

I'm not busy or anything,
so that'll be easy.

Off you go!

Whoo-hoo!

Linda. How are you
enjoying the Good Place?

It's good.

Everyone's flying.

You don't want to go flying any higher?

No, thanks.

Well, okay.

It says in your file
that you liked knitting.

Would you like to do
some knitting right now?

No, thanks.

Is there another activity
you'd like to do now?

You also enjoyed... listening to birds?

Man, Linda.

You don't even look at them?

Let's go hear some birds. What do you say?

I'm gonna go get another peppermint.

- No...
- Come on, Linds.

You can have literally anything
that you could poss...

What the...

[GROANING]

[CITIZENS GRUNTING]

[WOMAN YELPING]

[MAN GROANING]

Okay. So... [SNIFFS]

- Maybe she's less boring than I thought.
- [CITIZENS SCREAMING]

So, let me get this straight, Shawn.

You sent a demon in disguise
as one of the subjects?

Yes, he did, Your Honor.

Luckily, none of the other test subjects
saw the mess he made.

But he put the experiment at risk
and he attacked me and Eleanor.

And, I'm sorry, where's your shirt?

I think it got stuck in the skin suit.

Well, keep it there.

Damn it, Chris. You were supposed
to slowly undermine them

and gradually sabotage the experiment,

not just go ham on day two,
you fart plume.

I told you, I'm not an actor.

And when you get back here,
you won't be anything.

Okay, fine, yes, busted. I'm a rascal.

We'll come pick him up
and replace him with an actual human.

You will do nothing of the sort, mon ami.

This outrageous act must be punished.

Chidi will be the fourth subject
in this experiment.

[SHAWN] No, no, no, no, no.

He's perfect because he's already
had his memories erased.

Although you can't erase that booty.
Know what I'm sayin', blondie?

All due respect, Your Honor,
keep it in your robe.

What she means is,
"Thank you, Your Honor, we accept."

Chidi's gonna be our fourth subject.

Chidi can't be part of the experiment.

They already know that he can improve.

That's like studying for a test
then acing the test.

- It's cheating.
- How is that cheating?

You're just falsely accusing us
of what you actually did.

No, that's what you're doing.

[JUDGE] Shawn, I don't have time for this.

I just started Deadwood, finally,

and I need my daily dose
of Timothy Olyphant,

so I'm gonna make this short.

If you so much as breathe
on this experiment again,

I will restart the entire thing
from scratch,

and then I will personally
rip off your eyelids

and make you watch heartwarming videos
of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

[CLAPS]

[MICHAEL] Whoa! Slow down.

[CLATTERING]

[ELEANOR] Did you put those trash cans
there just so you could crash into them?

That wasn't my fault. I was texting.
[SMACKS LIPS]

Okay, let him go, dung buckets.

Nice try.

We'll put him on the train
and handcuff him to a bench.

Come on.

Yeah, forgive us if we don't trust you
not to cheat again.

Surprised you figured out
that Linda was a fake,

because we all thought
you were too stupid.

Well, it was actually Tahani
who got suspicious.

[CHUCKLES] Oh!

That is so embarrassing for you.

Seems like you're royally forking this up
just like we knew you would.

- [ELEANOR SIGHS]
- Okay.

Take off.

And give Shawn a message for me.

Tell him that we said, "Booyah!"

Make sure you do the hand motion,
like, "Booyah!"

- Are you listening to me?
- Okay, Michael...

- No, show me how you're gonna do it.
- That's fine.

No, it's important
that she does the hand thing

because it really drives the point home.