Original subtitles

'Far back in the mists of ancient time,

'in the great and glorious days of the former Galactic Empire,

'life was wild, rich and, on the whole, tax-free.

'Mighty starships plied their way

'between exotic suns, seeking adventure and reward

'amongst the furthest reaches of Galactic space.

'In those days, spirits were brave, stakes were high, men were real men,

'women were real women,

'and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri

'were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

'All dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds,

'to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before.

'And thus was the Empire forged.

'Many men, of course, became extremely rich,

'but this was perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of,

'because no one was really poor - at least no one worth speaking of.

'And for these extremely rich merchants,

'life eventually became rather dull,

'and it seemed that none of the worlds they settled on

'was entirely satisfactory.

'Either the climate wasn't quite right

'in the later part of the afternoon...

'or the day was half an hour too long...

'... or the sea was just the wrong shade of pink.'

'And thus were created the conditions

'for a staggering new form of industry -

'custom-made luxury planet building.

'The home of this industry was the planet Magrathea,

'where vast hyperspatial engineering works were constructed

'to suck matter through white holes in space

'and form it into dream planets,

'lovingly made to meet the exacting standards

'of the Galaxy's richest men.

'And so successful was this venture

'that very soon Magrathea itself became the richest planet of all time

'and the rest of the Galaxy was reduced to abject poverty.

'And so the system broke down.

'The Empire collapsed

'and a long, sullen silence settled over the Galaxy...

'Magrathea itself disappeared

'and its memory soon passed into the obscurity of legend.

'In these enlightened days, no one believes a word of it.'

I don't believe a word of it.

Listen to me, Ford, I've found it. I swear I've found it!

- Magrathea? - Yeah!

- A non-existent planet. - Yeah, er, no... Listen... it's...

Myth. Magrathea's a fairy story.

What you tell kids if you want them to grow up to become economists.

We are currently in orbit around it!

YOU may be in orbit around it!

- Computer! - Oh, no!

Hi, there, this is Eddie, your shipboard computer,

and I'm feeling just great, guys.

I'll get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run!

- Is this necessary? - Computer, what is our trajectory?

A real pleasure, fella!

We are currently in orbit at an altitude of 300 miles

around the legendary planet Magrathea. Golly!

Proving nothing. I wouldn't trust that computer to speak my weight!

- I can do that! - No, thank you

I can even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places.

Take us down, Computer. Take us down nice and low.

What's going on?

According to Zaphod, Magrathea is this legendary planet,

which no one seriously believes in.

And now we're going to land on it.

Oh? Is there any tea on this spaceship?

That is the planet we're orbiting around

and that is Magrathea! They're the same!

- Check, check, check! - Check, check, check (!)

Can we see it at all, Computer?

- Hi, there. - Can we see it

From up here? No way! You wouldn't want to anyway.

It's just cold and grey and a whole bunch of no fun.

Great! For this, I got my ears pierced!

With half the Empire's wealth stored on it, it can afford to look frumpy!

- I don't believe you. - Why not?

You tend to lie a lot. I think it's just any old dead planet.

The suspense is killing me (!)

'Stress and nervous tension are now serious social problems

'in all parts of the Galaxy,

'and it is in order that this situation

'should not be in any way exacerbated

'that the following facts will now be revealed in advance.

'The planet in question is, in fact, Magrathea.

'The missile attack shortly to be launched

'by an ancient automatic defence system

'will merely result in the breakage of three coffee cups

'and a mouse cage, the bruising of someone's upper arm

'and the untimely creation and demise of a bowl of petunias...

'and an innocent sperm whale.

'In order that some sense of mystery should still be preserved,

'no revelation will yet be made

'concerning whose upper arm has been bruised.

'This fact may safely be made the subject of suspense

'since it is of no significance whatsoever.

'Arthur's next question is very complex and difficult

'and Zaphod's answer is wrong in every important respect.'

Is it safe?

Of course! It's been dead for five million years.

Greetings to you.

Computer, what's this?

A five-million-year-old holotape being broadcast at us.

This is a recorded announcement

as I'm afraid we're all out at the moment.

The Commercial Council of Magrathea...

- A voice from ancient Magrathea! - OK, OK!

... regrets that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business.

Thank you.

Leave your name

and the address of the planet where you can be contacted

when you hear the tone.

They want us to leave. What do we do?

- We keep going. Got that, Computer - Got it!

It is most gratifying

that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated...

and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles

currently converging with your ship

are part of a special service

we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients,

and the fully-armed nuclear warheads

are, of course, merely a courtesy detail.

We look forward to your custom in future lives. Thank you.

If that's their sales pitch, what's the complaints department like?

Listen, you semi-evolved simian! Will you crowbar this into your cranium?

We just triggered off an ancient recording device.

- It doesn't apply to us. - And the missiles?

Missiles? You want to make me laugh? Show me some missiles!

I think they're going to have a very good try at applying to us.

What?

Terrific! They're trying to kill us! You know what that means?

- Yes, we're going to die. - Yeah... no... maybe...

It means there's something down there they don't want us to have,

and if they don't want us to have it that badly,

- I want to have it even worse. - So there is someone down there?

No. It's automatic defence systems.

- What are we going to do? - Just keep cool.

Is that all?

Er, no, we're also going to take evasive action.

Computer, what evasive action can we take?

- Er, none, I'm afraid, guys. - Or something...

There's something jamming my guidance systems.

Impact minus 150 seconds.

Sorry. I didn't mean that.

Please call me Eddie if it will help you relax.

Right, Computer, I want full manual control of this ship now!

- You got it. - But can you fly her?

- No. Can you? - No.

- Ford? - No.

Fine. We'll do it together.

- I can't either. - I'd guessed.

Computer, activate the manual consoles.

Sure thing. Good luck, guys. Impact minus 125 seconds.

Here goes!

- We're veering too far. - She's going into a spin!

Then, dive her out of it! Dive! Dive!

'It is, of course, more or less at this point

'that one of our heroes sustains a slight bruise to the upper arm.

'This should be emphasised because, as has already been revealed,

'they escape otherwise completely unharmed,

'and the deadly nuclear missiles do not eventually hit the ship.

'Our heroes' safety is absolutely assured. '

Impact minus 88 seconds, guys.

You can't shake them! We're going to die!

# When you walk through the storm

# Hold your head up high... #

Shut that bloody computer up!

Zaph, do you think we can stabilise at X00 547

if we split our flight path

tangentially across the vector of 9 GX 78

with a 5-degree inertial correction?

What? Yes, I expect so. Just do it! Do you think she's bluffing?

Here goes!

Hey, where'd you learn a stunt like that?

Going round Hyde Park Corner on a moped.

- What? - I'll tell you later. Hold tight.

# And you'll never walk alone... #

The missiles are gaining on us! We are quite definitely going to die!

Hey! Why don't we use the Improbability Drive?

Are you crazy? Without programming, anything could happen.

Whereas, at the moment, we just definitely die. Is that it?

Does anyone have a good reason for not using the Improbability Drive?

It's been great getting to know all you guys. God bless.

Does anyone have a good reason for not using the Improb...?

- What the photon happened? - Well, there's this switch here...

- Where are we? - Exactly where we were, I think.

What about the missiles?

Well, according to this, they have turned into a bowl of petunias

and a very surprised-looking whale.

At an Improbability Level of 8,767,128 to 1 against.

- Did you think of that, Earthman? - Well, all I did was...

That's a pretty hoopy piece of thinking, you know that?

- It was nothing, really... - Was it? Oh, well, forget it.

OK, Computer, take us in to land.

I say it was nothing... Obviously, it was something.

I was just trying to say

that it's not worth making too much of a fuss about...

saving everybody's lives...

'Another thing that nobody made too much fuss about

'was that, against all probability,

'a sperm whale had suddenly been called into existence

'some miles above the surface of an alien planet.

'And since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale,

'this innocent creature had very little time

'to come to terms with its identity as a whale

'before it had to come to terms with suddenly not being a whale any more.'

Ah! What's happening? Er, excuse me?

Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?

What do I mean by, "Who am I"?

Calm down! Get a grip now!

Oh, this is an interesting sensation.

It's a sort of yawning, tingling sensation in my... my...

Well, I better start finding names for things...

So let's call it my stomach.

So, a yawning, tingling sensation in my stomach.

And that whistling, roaring sound?

That can be wind.

Perhaps I can find a better name for it later...

Hey, what's this thing?

Let's call it a tail! Yeah, tail.

Hey, I can really thrash it about pretty good, can't I? Wow! Wow! Hey!

Doesn't seem to achieve much,

but I'll probably figure out what it's for later on.

Oh, hey, this is really exciting!

So much to find out about, so much to look forward to,

I'm dizzy with anticipation...

What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast?

Very, very fast...

so big and flat and wide, it needs a big, wide-sounding word...

like round... round... ground!

That's it-ground! I wonder if it will be friends with me?

'Curiously enough,

'the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias was:

'Many people have speculated

'that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that,

'we should know a lot more about the Universe than we do now.

'Meanwhile, Trillian is about to announce

'a discovery of huge importance,

'though this is not immediately recognised by her companions.'

- Hey, my white mice have escaped! - Nuts to your white mice!

- Are we taking the Paranoid Android? - Yeah, we'll take him.

Don't feel you have to notice me (!)

What are you supposed to do with a manically depressed robot?

You think you've got problems?

What are you supposed to do if you ARE a manically depressed robot?

No, don't try to answer that.

I'm 50,000 times as intelligent as you and even I don't know the answer.

It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level!

Good afternoon, boys.

- What's that? - The computer.

It's an emergency back-up personality that I thought might work out better.

Now, this is going to be your first day on a strange planet,

so wrap up warm and no playing with any monsters.

- A slide rule might be better (!) - Who said that?

Open up that exit hatch, please.

Not until whoever said that owns up.

Oh, God!

I'm waiting. I can wait all day if necessary!

Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto,

I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe

and give you a reprogramming you'll never forget.

OK, get the axe.

Please enjoy your day on this planet.

I can see this relationship is something we'll have to work at.

OK, come on, you guys. Let's go!

Yeah!

It's fantastic!

Desolate hole!

It's so stark and dreary!

It's absolutely fantastic! It's only just getting through to me.

A whole new alien world, thousands of light years away from home...

Pity it's such a dump!

I could have a better time in a cat litter.

What's this?

- Whalemeat. - Eugh!

Come on, you guys, we've got to get into this planet!

I'm not into it!

- INTO it! - INTO it?

Would you stay out here in a dump like this?

The Magratheans all lived underground, you know.

Why-was the surface polluted or over-populated?

No, they just didn't like it very much.

There's an opening in the ground.

Looks like a tunnel.

OK, guys, here we go!

Let's get on in there!

Into the interior of the planet!

That is where we have to go!

Down into the very depths of time itself,

where no man has trod these five million years!

We are not going to be great, we are not going to be amazing -

we are going to be amazingly amazing!

- Sounds awful! - Can it, Marvin!

Life, loathe it or ignore it - you can't like it!

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

We've been attacked once already!

Look, kid, I promise you,

the live population of this planet is nil plus the five of us.

Let's get on in there, OK?

OK.

Hey, Earthman...

- Earthman... - Arthur.

Yeah, could you just sort of keep the robot with you

and guard this end of the passage?

Guard? What from? You said there was no one here!

Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?

Whose? Yours or mine?

Good lad. OK, here we go!

Well, I hope you all have a really miserable time!

- Don't worry! They will. - Come on!

- Hey, spooky, eh? - And dark.

You've still got your sunglasses on.

Too right!

Look at this!

Any idea what those strange symbols on the walls are, Zaphod?

Yeah! They're strange symbols of some kind.

It's hard to tell with my shades on!

I wish I had heads like you, Zaphod.

I could have endless fun bashing them against walls!

Hey, don't bug me, Ford!

- Yeah! - Yeah?

Yeah! These are the greatest shades in the known sky! Look at the copy.

"Joo Janta 200 SuperChromatic Peril-Sensitive sunglasses.

"To help you develop a relaxed attitude to danger.

"At the first hint of trouble, they turn black

"and thus prevent you from seeing anything that might alarm you."

You're mad!

I thought I just saw a movement down at the end of the corridor!

No... it's just shadows... There's no one here.

Trust me.

Zaphod, mate, I'd trust you as far as I could comfortably spit a rat!

This is a dead planet, man!

There's definitely something there.

No...

Listen...

Night's falling. Look, Robot, the stars are coming out.

- I know. Wretched, isn't it? - But that sunset...!

I've never seen anything like it in my wildest dreams!

The two suns... It was like...

mountains of fire, boiling into space!

I've seen it. It's rubbish.

We only had the one sun at home.

I came from a planet called Earth.

I know. You keep going on about it. It sounds awful.

Ah, no! It was a beautiful place.

Did it have oceans?

Oh, yes, great, big, wide, rolling, blue oceans.

Can't bear oceans.

Tell me, do you get on well with other robots?

Hate them. Where are you going?

I think I'll take a short walk.

Don't blame you.

You choose a cold night to visit our dead planet.

Who are you?

My name is not important.

You startled me.

Do not be alarmed. I will not harm you.

But you shot at us. The missiles...

An automatic system.

Ancient computers ranged in the long caves

deep in the bowels of the planet tick away the dark millennia,

and the ages hang heavy on their dusty databanks.

They take the occasional potshot to relieve the monotony.

I'm a great fan of science, you know.

Really?

Oh, yes.

Er...

Er...

You seem ill at ease.

OH! Yes, well, actually, I don't think we expected anyone to be about, in fact.

No disrespect, but I gathered you were all dead.

Dead? No, we have but slept for five million years.

Nothing much seems to have changed.

Slept?

Yes, through the economic recession.

Economic recession?

Five million years ago, the Galactic economy collapsed,

and seeing that custom-built planets are something of a luxury commodity...

- You know we built planets? - Well, I had sort of gathered that.

Fascinating trade. Doing the coastlines was always my favourite...

Used to have endless fun doing all the little fiddly bits round fjords.

Well, anyway, the recession came,

and we thought it would save a lot of bother if we just slept through it.

So we programmed the computers to revive us when it was all over.

They were index-linked to the Galactic stock market prices,

so that we'd all be revived

when everybody else had rebuilt the economy enough

to be able to afford our services.

Isn't that rather unethical?

Is it? I'm a bit out of touch.

Is that your robot?

No, I'm mine.

If you'd call it a robot-it's more like an electronic sulking machine.

Bring it.

"Bring it"!

On second thoughts, leave it here.

Bring it! Leave it! I think I'll turn myself off!

You must come with me. Great things are afoot.

Come. Come now or you will be late.

Late? What for?

What is your name, human?

Dent, Arthur Dent.

Late, as in the late Dentarthurdent.

It's a sort of threat, you see.

Never been terribly good at them myself,

but I'm told they can be terribly effective.

What an extraordinary person!

Pardon?

Er... nothing. Where are we going?

We are going deep into the bowels of the planet,

where our race is being revived from its five-million-year-old slumber.

Magrathea awakes!

Excuse me, what is your name, by the way?

My name?

My name is Slartibartfast.

I beg your pardon?

Slartibartfast.

Slartibartfast?

I said it wasn't important.

'It is an important and popular fact

'that things are not always what they seem.

'For instance...

'on the planet Earth,

'man had always assumed he was more intelligent than the dolphins,

'because he had achieved so much -

'the wheel...

'New York...

'wars, and so on...

'whilst all the dolphins had ever done

'was muck about in the water having a good time.

'The dolphins believed they were more intelligent than man

'for precisely the same reasons.

'Curiously enough,

'the dolphins had long known of the impending demolition of Earth,

'and made many attempts to alert mankind of the danger...

'but most of their communications were misinterpreted

'as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for titbits,

'so they eventually gave up and left the Earth by their own means,

'shortly before the Vogons arrived.

'The last-ever dolphin message

'was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt

'to do a double-backward somersault through a hoop

'whilst whistling the Star-Spangled Banner...

'but, in fact, the message was this:

'In fact, there was only one species on the planet

'more intelligent than dolphins,

'and they spent a lot of their time

'in behavioural research laboratories

'conducting frighteningly elegant and subtle experiments on man.

'The fact that man once again

'completely misinterpreted this relationship

'was entirely according to these creatures' plans,

'as Arthur Dent will shortly discover.'

Earthman, we are now deep in the heart of Magrathea.

How d'you know I'm an Earthman?

These things will become clear - clearer than they are at the moment.

Oh...

I should warn you

the chamber we are about to enter

does not literally exist within our planet.

It is the gateway into a vast tract of hyperspace. It may disturb you.

It scares the willies out of me. Hold tight!

Welcome to our factory floor.

This is where we make most of our planets, you see.

You're starting up again now?

Good heavens, no!

No, the Galaxy isn't nearly rich enough to afford us yet.

We've been awakened to perform just one extraordinary function

for very... special clients

from another dimension.

It may interest you.

There-in front of us.

The Earth!

Well, the Earth Mark II, in fact.

We're making a copy from our original blueprints.

Are you telling me you originally made the Earth?

Oh, yes. Did you ever go to a place...?

I think it was called Norway.

No, I didn't.

Pity. That was one of mine.

Won an award, you know.

Lovely crinkly edges.

I was most upset to hear of its destruction.

YOU were upset?!

Five minutes later, it wouldn't have mattered.

- Big cock-up. The mice were furious. - Mice?

Earthman, the planet you inhabited

was commissioned, paid for and run by the mice.

It was destroyed five minutes before the completion of the purpose

for which it was built. We have to build another one.

Mice?

'ARTHUR bruised his upper arm.'

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