All language subtitles for the.good.place.s01e12.mindy.st.claire.michaels.gambit.720p.webrip.hevc.x265.rmteam

♪ ♪

- ♪ And now ♪

♪ The end is near ♪

♪ And so I face ♪

♪ The final curtain ♪

- Ow! What the hell?
- Walk it off, Lululemon.

- ♪ I'll say it clear ♪

♪ I'll state my case ♪

♪ Of which I'm certain ♪

♪ I've lived ♪

♪ I've lived ♪

♪ A life that's full ♪

♪ I traveled each and... ♪

- "Live every day
like it's your last."

Bite me.
I'ma live forever, bitch.

- Ma'am?
It's $132.21.

So, big plans this weekend?

- Yep.

I'm gonna sit alone
in my house watching

wedding fails on YouTube,
drinking margaritas

through a Twizzlers straw
until I pass out

on top of my vibrator.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Hi there.
Do you have a second

to talk about the environment?

- No.
Buzz off, whale-humper.

- You know, I see you here
all the time,

and you're always mean to me,
and it really hurts my feelings.

- It does?
Because the minute

you're out of my line of sight,
I literally forget you exist.

Watch. You exist.
You don't exist.

You're bothering me.
Don't care if you die.

See?
- Why are you like this?

- Excuse me?
Why am I like this?

You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.

You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.

Look what you made me do,
jag-off.

- ♪ And did it my... ♪
- Oh, my God, look out!

- Uh-oh.
- ♪ Way ♪

- [inhales sharply]

- Oh, good, you're awake.

Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?

- Sure.

- Where are we going?
I forgot.

- We're going somewhere
that's not the Good Place,

and it's not the Bad Place.

We're going to a Medium Place.

- Hmm, is there
a 7-Eleven on the way?

'Cause Janet's powers
aren't working,

'Cause Janet's powers
aren't working,

and I want some gum
and some football cards

and some scratchy tickets.

- Go away from me.
- Okay.

[relaxing music]

♪ ♪

- Can this train
go any faster, Janet?

No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured

for all of eternity
if we get caught.

- Don't worry,
there's no way to tell

we're going to
Mindy St. Clair's house.

It'll be our sexy little secret.

Jason taught me
about sexy things.

- Oh, yeah? What things
did he say were sexy?

- Oh, yeah? What things
did he say were sexy?

- Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims,

20,000 followers on Instagram,

girls with pigtails
eating lollipops,

latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads,
and sex.

- Eh, some of those are right.

♪ ♪

- I'm here to preside over
case #00003

regarding the soul
of Eleanor Shellstrop.

The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet
to present their argument.

[tone chimes]

- What up, ding-dongs?
Yeah, so basically, um,

the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag,
and these jabronis

are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,

are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirt bag now,

but she just stole your train,

and she still sucks bad.

And she belongs with us.
Oh, also, check this out.

[farting]

Nailed it.
[tone chimes]

- I've ruled the fart
inadmissible as evidence.

What I will consider
is the recent development

of Eleanor stealing my train.
- Now, hold on a second.

She stole your train
to voluntarily go down

to the Bad Place.

She was sacrificing herself

because she is
a wonderful, selfless...

Because she is
a wonderful, selfless...

[crunching]
No, don't... oh!

- What's happening?
- I should have warned you.

Shawn only cares
about cold hard facts.

If he detects any feelings
in your voice,

he retreats into a cocoon,
so what we need to do now

is just be very still
and very quiet.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[crunching]

- Finally.
[crunching]

- Oh, come...
- What did he just say?

- Oh, because
you're all so perfect.

- Oh, because
you're all so perfect.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Wow.

So where does this
Mindy St. Clair live?

- I don't know.
I'm out of range

of our neighborhood.
I don't have any

of my normal abilities here.
- Perfect. [sighs]

Well, let's try this way.

- Ooh, I've never
had to walk before.

This is fun.

Now I'm bored.
Walking is dumb.

Now I'm bored.
Walking is dumb.

[light music]

♪ ♪

[hawk screeches]

- Well, given that
she's the only person

in the neighborhood,
I'm guessing this is the pl...

Oh! She's naked!

- [screams]
- Oh, sorry!

- [screams]
- [yells]

- [screams]
- [yells]

- Who are you?

- I'm Janet.

- Hello, Mindy.
My name is Beadie.

I'm from the Good Place,
and welcome to your first day

in the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot?

In the afterlife.
- What's up, idiot?

Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?

- That's not possible.
- Congrats.

Yeah, so, Mindy, look.
You mostly sucked,

but then you did
this one good thing.

I mean, I still think
we should get you...

- They didn't,
but neither did we.

A compromise was made:

the neighborhood you are in now
by yourself.

You submitted a list
of things you wanted;

the Good Place
provided those things.

- Yeah, and the Bad Place
made some modifications.

- We got you your favorite beer.

- Yeah, but it's always warm.

- On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.

- On your jukebox, you'll find
every song ever sung.

- Yeah, by The Eagles, and
it's only the live versions.

Also, there's some
spoken word poetry

from William Shatner.

It's deeply terrible.

- You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.

Welcome to the Medium Place.
- So what's up?

What's your deal?
Are you single?

What's going on?
[static crackles]

- Sorry about before.
One of the perks of living alone

is that I get to just
walk around naked.

- [laughs] My kind of gal.

And I gotta say,
you keep it tight.

And I gotta say,
you keep it tight.

- Oh, that is the nicest
and only thing

anyone has said to me
in 30 years.

- So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do

to end up here?
- That's kind of a long story.

Gonna need a drink or three.
- Definitely my kind of gal.

- You guys have fun.
This is me and Janet's

honeymoon, so we're gonna
go try and figure out

how to have sex.

- So I was a hotshot
corporate lawyer in the 1980s.

I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.

One night,
I had an epiphany, right?

I needed to do something
good with my life.

I needed to do something
good with my life.

So I drew up plans
for this foundation

that would help kids
all over the world,

would advance human rights,
revolutionize agriculture,

and just improve every nation
and every society

in every possible way.

- You were pretty coked-up, huh?
- Oh, yeah, man,

I was flying high.
It was so awesome.

But... you're not gonna
believe this...

I followed through.
Yeah, I woke up

the next morning,
I went straight to the bank,

I withdrew my life savings,
and I was gonna start

that charity.
- Good for you!

- And then I immediately
fell into subway tracks

- And then I immediately
fell into subway tracks

and was electrocuted
by the third rail.

- Ooh...
- Honestly, not the type of rail

I thought was gonna kill me...
[chuckles]

'Cause I love cocaine.
[laughs]

Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't...

Do you?

- No.

- Oh, yeah.
I mean, I was just...

I was just kidding.
It was just a joke.

I mean, who would want
to do cocaine right now?

- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died, uh,

- Are you okay?
- Anyway, so after I died, uh,

my sister found my plan,
and she used my money

to start the Mindy St. Clair
Rescue Alliance, yeah.

It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world.

- Oh, so the question was,
did you get credit

for all those
good person points or not?

- Exactly.
I don't know how long

my case was pending or whatever,

but when I woke up,
the two sides

had been fighting about me
for a long time.

[chuckles]
Like a stripper over that

last bump of coke at the party,
if you know what I mean.

Last bump of coke at the party,
if you know what I mean.

But anyway, they finally came to
this compromise, you know?

- Well, it beats being tortured.

I was about to turn myself in.

- No.
Yeah, there's no time

for that morality nonsense,
sweetheart.

This is about survival.

You gotta look out
for number one.

- Right, well,
we don't have proof

that it doesn't
cure Alzheimer's.

- Eleanor, we've got
a surprise for you.

- Yeah, thanks,
but I brought my own cake.

- Oh, I know you've only
worked here a few weeks,

but we have this little
office tradition

but we have this little
office tradition

where we all pitch in,
and then we...

- Yeah, no, I get it.
It's just, I know

what kind of cake I like.
Plus, it's Lisa's

birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake,

that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake

and sing to her and wear
one of those dumb hats

you all are wearing right now.
No, thanks.

This way, I don't
owe you anything,

you don't owe me anything.
Later.

What were we talking about?

- What is her deal?
Why is she like this?

- I don't know,
but the meaner she is,

the more it turns me on.
Is that weird?

- You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again,

- You're my boss.
- Oh, say that to me again,

but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.

- Eleanor was supposed to be
in the Bad Place,

arrived here by accident,

assumed another person's
identity,

and has now escaped.

Is that the whole story?

- Well, no.
Someone else was

sent here by mistake.
His name is Jason Mendoza,

and I believe he's on
the train with Eleanor.

- You knew about Jason?
- Yes, I know

that he's a fake
and that he's married to Janet

and that this entire
neighborhood is...

and that this entire
neighborhood is...

What's the human expression?

Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.

- I will deal
with Jason Mendoza later.

For now, I will hear
your arguments for why

Fake Eleanor Shellstrop
should stay in the Good Place.

- We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.

I'm talking "Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet"

level of emotionless here,
all right?

- Begin.

- [deadpan]
Eleanor dedicated herself

to the study of ethics.

I was blown away by her capacity
for self-improvement.

- [deadpan] Eleanor
is a magnificent person

who has grown tremendously
in her time here.

- [deadpan] Please,
I'm begging you, please.

- [deadpan] Voluntarily heading
to the Bad Place proves

that she is a selfless person.

Sorry.
I'm getting choked up.

- Yes, voluntarily
sacrificing herself

and heading to the Bad Place
would be a point in her favor.

However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently

in the Bad Place.

We have no idea where she is.

- Well, what the...
- What?

- Fork!
[crunching]

- I will now review
Eleanor's memories.

- Her memories?
As in, all the things

she's done on Earth?
- Mm-hmm.

- But perhaps we could
take a little break first.

You know, we've been at it for
a while, and you must be tired.

- I've been asleep in goo for
the last 29 years, so I'm good.

Call up the screen for
Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.

Where should we begin,
"Waiters Screamed At"

or "Cyberbullying
of Pregnant Woman

from Spin Class"?

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[door closes]

[door closes]

- Hey, you wanna grab
a drink or something?

- Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.

- I thought you'd want company

after being here alone
for so long.

- No.
- Okay, I get it.

- Hey, uh,
where did you get that?

That's not one of my books.

I only have Anne Rice vampire
novels with water stains,

and I've cut words out of most
of them to make pornography.

- My friend in the Good Place
gave it to me

when he was teaching me ethics.
It reminds me of him.

- Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget

what you left behind.
Take that whole experience,

what you left behind.
Take that whole experience,

crumple it up, throw it
in the garbage can.

- Okay.
Instead of reading,

I will watch this VHS copy
of "Cannonball Run II."

Or maybe "The Making
of 'Cannonball Run II.'"

Wow. Very medium.

- Yeah.

- Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?

- No.
We tried for two hours,

but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.

- It was weird.

- It was weird.

- [speaking Spanish]

[air horn blares]

- This ain't your bar mitzvah
anymore, bitch.

It's my 24th birthday! What!
Hot tiara, girl.

[air horn blares]

- That was "The Crashing
and Subsequent Destruction

of Vanessa Garcia's
Quinceañera."

Let's move on to another event.

- "Heckling of Mall Santas"?

"Lifetime Ban
from Build-a-Bear Workshop"?

- "Brief Instagram Flirtation

- "Brief Instagram Flirtation

with Kid Rock"?
Oh, no.

- This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.

- Yeah, uh, Judge,
request permission

to speak somewhat emotionally?

- Ugh. Fine.

Dramamine.

Helps with the nausea.
Proceed.

- Okay, look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.

I was particularly disturbed
by "Started Fire in Mailbox

to Get Mailman to Take Off
Shirt," but that

was the old Eleanor.
She changed.

She worked and she studied
and she got better.

She worked and she studied
and she got better.

And it wasn't just
self-preservation,

it was real self-improvement.
I made the decision to help

Eleanor that first week,
and I'm glad I did.

Because she's worth it.

- I, too, helped Eleanor.

Not as much as Chidi, surely,

but my help was more friendship

and sorely needed
fashion advice.

Eleanor deserves to stay.

- Thank you
for these testimonials.

A ruling has been reached.

Oh, you want to hear it.

I forgot how needy humans are.
[clears throat]

Eleanor Shellstrop
is a bad person.

The progress she has made

does not offset
her actions on Earth.

She deserves to be
in the Bad Place.

- Oh!
- As concerning Jason Mendoza,

I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence

to suggest...
Oh, he's from Florida?

Yeah, he belongs
in the Bad Place.

- No, but how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?

You have no idea where they are.

- Bad Janet?

[tone chimes]
- What's up, fork nuts?

[tone chimes]
- What's up, fork nuts?

- Engage walkie-talkie protocol.

[electronic warbling]

♪ ♪

- What if you're here,
and I'm like this?

- Yes, that may work.

[beeping, electronic blaring]

- Whoa, what is happening?

- Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?

- Attention Eleanor Shellstrop
and Jason Mendoza.

This is the Almighty Judge
on High of All Beings

Living and Dead
for All Eternity.

My name's Shawn.

We do not know where you are
but hope you are receiving

this message.
You have been found to be

the rightful property
of the Bad Place.

The rightful property
of the Bad Place.

Either return
to your original neighborhood,

or your accomplices
Chidi Anagonye

and Tahani Al-Jamil

will go to the Bad Place
in your stead.

Both: What?

- You have four hours.
Good-bye.

- Your Honor, please,

Chidi and Tahani
are completely innocent.

- They are not
completely innocent.

They told me so themselves.

They aided and abetted
two criminals,

one of whom was a DJ.

- They're gonna send
Chidi and Tahani

to the Bad Place?

We're off the hook,
this is amazing!

Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.

Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.

- We don't have to
go back, though.

They just said.
- We can't let Tahani and Chidi

go to the Bad Place.
They're our friends.

We literally owe it to them.
- If they're really

our "friends," then why aren't
they here with us right "now"?

- Because we ran away.
Are you...

Does your brain work, actually?

Do you have a functioning head?

- I think he has a good point.

I wouldn't go back
for those turkeys.

- How can you say that?

- Think practically here.
Okay, you go back,

- Think practically here.
Okay, you go back,

you turn yourself in,
you get sent to the Bad Place,

and you never see
your friends again.

Or you stay here, you're safe
from the Bad Place,

and you never see
your friends again.

It's the same results,
except if you stay here,

you don't get tortured.

- But they do.
- That's their problem.

Your problem is whether
you get tortured.

Now if you'll excuse me,

it's my masturbating time.

- When isn't it?
We're going back.

- But...
- Now.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

Can we even
make it there in time?

- I believe so,
though it'll be close.

- Where's Jason?
- Heads up!

Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.

[slow motion]
Bortles!

[dramatic music]

- No!

♪ ♪

[clink]

What are you doing, you goon?

- Trying to blow up the train.

Blowing stuff up got me
out of so many jams on Earth.

Let me try again.
Do... do you have another bottle?

- Hi there, since there's
no Janet here to serve you,

I brought you two
a little treat.

I brought you two
a little treat.

- Ah, kind of like a last meal.
- Not like a last meal,

just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.

- I'm gonna miss
these little perks

when I'm down in the Bad Place,

being forced to wear a...

A knock-off handbag
and drink tap water.

- That's what you think hell is?

- Ugh.

- Janet, please, we have to go.

- I won't start the train
until my husband says it's okay.

I'm sorry, Eleanor,
but I engaged

a ride-or-die protocol
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.

A ride-or-die protocol
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.

- Buddy...

Come on, we gotta go.

- I don't wanna go
to the Bad Place.

It's scary, like
the movie "Ratatouille."

- What?
- Yo, I ain't trying

to have rats living
in my hat and pulling my hair

to get me to do stuff.

- I'm scared too.

But we can't just abandon
our friends and let them

take the fall for us.

- Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.

We'd just go back to
Mindy's house, chill out...

- I'd get used to
room-temperature beer.

- Me and Janet keep trying
to solve the problem

- Me and Janet keep trying
to solve the problem

of how to have sex,
which could take years.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's just pretend
that we didn't hear

the Janet
walkie-talkie message.

- No, it's time to own up, dude.

I spent my whole life
acting like Mindy,

me first, no matter what,
and it literally took dying

and being around a bunch
of good people to realize

that I was kind of a nightmare.

- Why were you like that?

- Well...

let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.

Let me tell you about
Doug and Donna Shellstrop.

Hey, Dad, just a warning,
Mom's gonna be here in a second.

- Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.

- You mean the silverware
you stole from Mom?

- Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.

- I drove here
as fast as I could.

You scored free
WrestleMania tickets?

- There are no tickets, Mom.
I knew that was

the only way I could
get you here.

- Ah-ha! Burn.

- Eleanor, just because
your father and I

are divorced does not mean
you can disrespect me

like this, okay?
We are a family.

Whose birthday is it?

Whose birthday is it?

- Mine.
- Are you serious? No way.

That was a B. S. foul
on Chapman.

- And since you both forgot,
again, which means

you definitely didn't
get me a present, again,

I got myself something.
I just need you to sign it.

- Emancipation papers?
Honey!

What does "emancipation" mean?

- It means I'll be on my own.

All my life, I've been taking
care of myself and you guys.

I work two after-school jobs
because you blew half

my college fund bailing
your boyfriend out of jail.

- So irresponsible.

- And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.

- It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumbass.

- I've been on my own
for a while now anyway,

and after you sign these papers,

it'll be official.
I won't owe you anything;

you won't owe me anything.

- Well, if you want me to sign...
Oh, that's a joint.

Uh, do you have a pen
or a lighter?

- You're a really interesting
person, Eleanor.

We should hang out sometime.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Wow, your parents sucked.

- Yeah, they did,
and I've been using

their crappy parenting
as an excuse

for my selfish behavior
all my life. No more.

We know what's right here.
We have to go back.

- Ride-or-die.

[beeping, train chugging]

[beeping]

[alarm chimes]
- Time is up.

In preparation for your trip
to the Bad Place,

please put on these fedoras.

- Oh, no.

Well, no use delaying
the inevitable.

We surrender. Together.

- Chidi, Tahani,
we're back to save your souls.

[panting]

Real weird vibe in here.

Was definitely expecting
some applause.

- You're too late.
You... you missed the cut-off.

- You're too late.
You... you missed the cut-off.

- But we're here.
We came here

as fast as we could,
and we're here.

So...

now what?

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

- [groans]

What is
the most logical decision?

I made my initial ruling.

I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.

The original perpetrators
are here.

This is exhausting.

This is exhausting.

I just want to go
back to my container of goo

and go to sleep.

The Bad Place is owed
two people.

In my opinion, which is
an objective fact in this case

and all cases
always and forever,

you have all done bad things
since you arrived here,

therefore I don't care
which two of you go.

You can decide.
You have 30 minutes.

- Uh, don't I get to weigh in?

- No. I am in charge
of all matters here

for the next 30 minutes.

Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.

Bring me a list
of the frozen yogurt flavors.

We have some work to do
there as well.

[indistinct chattering]

[phones ringing]

[indistinct chattering]

- Morning, Mike.
How's it hanging?

- Oh.
Fine, Dave, just fine.

I put your mail on your desk and
you have an appointment later

with the Director
of Point Calculations.

- Ugh.

Listen, we got the files
for the new crop of incoming,

and the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.

And the Big Guy thinks it's time
for you to fly solo.

- I get to design it myself?

- You've been an apprentice
long enough. You're ready.

- Oh, Dave,
I'm gonna work so hard.

My design is gonna be
absolutely perfect.

- [chuckles] Okay.
Easy there, rookie.

Starting immediately, you'll be
out of my department.

You'll be reporting
directly to the front office.

This is your shot.
Good luck.

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- All I ever wanted was
for this neighborhood...

My first neighborhood
to be perfect.

Somehow I blew it and...
well, you're all suffering,

and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

This is truly
the saddest day of my life.

[upbeat circus music playing]

[people cheering]

[ending fanfare]

- [sighs]

- [sighs]

- Okay, I guess
I'll speak first.

Jason and I are the mistakes.

We're the ones
who misled everybody

and dragged you all
into this mess, so...

we should go to the Bad Place.

- Agreed.
- Yes.

- Okay, I thought you were gonna
at least pretend

to fight me on that,
but whatever.

- Hang on.
That judge guy just said

everyone here has done
bad things.

Let's look at this ethnically.

- For what I hope is
the last time,

it is "ethically."

- You guys helped
me and Eleanor, right,

but we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.

But we're bad,
so you helping us was bad.

It's basic consequentialism:
the morality of an action

is solely judged
on its consequences.

[claps hands]
- Great. [laughs]

The one time you actually
remember something from class.

- Maybe I was brought here
by mistake,

but since we've been here,
I just tried

to stay out of everyone's way.

Chidi's done
worse stuff than me.

He murdered Janet.
He killed my wife!

- I was trying to stop you
from doing it!

- Yeah, but you did it.

He who smelt it murdered Janet.

- Okay, well, it's settled then.

Eleanor and Jianyu are leaving.

- For the last time,
my name is Jason,

- For the last time,
my name is Jason,

not Jianyu, the amazing
and incredible monk.

- Which is why you belong
in the Bad Place.

- And by the way,
Janet is not your wife,

or your soul mate.

There's a Janet
in every neighborhood.

- Well, I'm in love
with this Janet.

We did a bunch of amazing,
awesome stuff

which almost turned out
to be sex,

and we were married
in a legal ceremony.

- It was not legal.

- Okay, J-bones,
you and me, outside.

- What? But...

I'm not going.
I don't wanna.

I know you don't "wanna,"
goofball.

I don't wanna either,
but let's face it.

I don't wanna either,
but let's face it.

Chidi and Tahani are
better people than we are.

We tried to improve ourselves
and you know what?

We did a good job.
Well, I did a good job.

You mostly fell asleep in class

or made fart noises
with your hands.

[making fart noises]
- I could never do that

on Earth.
This place truly is paradise.

- Look at them.
- [sighs]

- Whispering away like
two Beefeaters on a tea break.

I bet they're plotting
against us.

- No way.
Eleanor wouldn't do that.

- [clicks tongue] You do have
feelings for her, don't you?

- [clicks tongue] You do have
feelings for her, don't you?

- I don't know.
Yes.

But no.
Please don't make me

think about this again.
My brain will break.

- I'm sorry, it's just that
I have certain feelings for you.

You must see this.

The universe keeps
intertwining our fates.

It's meaningful,
don't you think?

- This whole...

romantic situation
is such a mess.

I am vexed, Tahani.
Vexed.

- I'm sorry, I don't mean
to contribute to your misery,

it's just that I'm frightened.

I don't have
an actual soul mate.

I don't have
an actual soul mate.

What's gonna happen to me
when Jason and Fake Eleanor go

and you're off
with Real Eleanor?

Whither Tahani?

- [claps hands]
Okay, team meeting.

Jason has agreed that
the two of us should go.

- Bye, Tahani.

[sad music]

Sorry for everything.

After I'm gone you can go ahead
and clean out my bud hole.

- Thank you.

♪ ♪

- I love you so much, baby.
Promise me you'll visit.

- I will not.

- I will not.

It is literally impossible
for me to do that.

♪ ♪

- Well, it's been real, dog.

Sorry, that's how I ended most
of my serious relationships.

- Yeah, that checks out.

♪ ♪

I feel like I failed you.

- No.
Don't ever think that.

I was dropped into a cave,
and you were my flashlight.

- Oh. Good-bye forever.

- Oh. Good-bye forever.

I will miss you so much.

- I'll miss you too,
you sexy skyscraper.

[both sniffling]

All right, ready to go?
Let's grab Michael.

[knocking at the door]

Come in.

- Hi, guys.
Sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm going to the Bad Place.
I've taken one of the slots.

- What?
- Awesome.

- I've been there,
I know I can hack it.

Actually, I have
kind of a rapport

with some of the fire monsters.

- Eleanor, that's crazy.
You belong here.

- Eleanor, that's crazy.
You belong here.

- There's another reason.

Everyone here is
supposed to have a soul mate,

and my soul mate
doesn't love me.

[sad music]

I don't know if you love
the other Eleanor

or Tahani or someone else,

but you don't love me,
which means that this...

will never really be
my Good Place.

I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.

I'm going, so you only
have to choose one more person.

[door closes]

- Okay, that means...

That means that...
What does that mean?

- It means...

I get to stay here
with my wife forever!

We did it, Eleanor!
USA! USA! USA!

- USA! USA!
Whoo-hoo!

This is so dope!
I get to stay

- You realize if you stay,
I still have to go, right?

- Yes, but...
I get to stay.

- Good point, bud.

Well reasoned.

- Wow, Chidi is
a terrible writer.

This is a real mess, huh?

No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be

No matter what they decide,
I'd bet you're gonna be

in pretty hot water
with your boss.

Wouldn't be surprised
if retirement were on the table.

- Retirement?

- Course, what do I know?

I'm just The All-Knowing Judge
of All Matters in the Afterlife.

But face it,
this is your mistake.

- Morning, Mike.
- Morning, Val.

- [groans] Which one's which?
I always forget.

- Black is regular,
orange is anti-matter.

- Working on your first
solo design, right?

How's it coming?

How's it coming?

- Do you ever get the feeling
we could be doing it all...

differently?

I mean, it's always the same.
We get the names,

come up with the design,
they arrive,

we move on to the next one.

We never even get to be there...
to see how fun it is.

- Yeah, I guess, but don't
rock the boat here, pal,

just try to do a good job.

[playful music]

- Mm.
French vanilla?

Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?

Regular anti-matter's fine,
why flavor it?

♪ ♪

- A good job.

♪ ♪

- All right, nerds,
let's just get this over with.

I'll go to the Bad Place
with Real Eleanor,

and you three can stay.
- Yes!

We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- Wait, no.

You're not going.

You're not going.

I am.

- What?
- Why?

- Real Eleanor is my soul mate...
Or was my soul mate...

And she's only going down there

because she thinks
that I don't love her.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

Please don't ask me that.
My stomach hurts.

The point is, if she's going
down there because of me,

I'll never be at peace.

- Yes! We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- No, dude, this is bonkers.

I am going.
End of story.

- No, I'm going.
End of everything.

- What? Now you're trying
to replace Chidi?

- No. I'm going to replace
Real Eleanor.

Chidi and I are
going to go together,

which means that you and
Real Eleanor and Jason can stay.

- Yes! We get to stay, baby!
We did it!

- Look, I love you
and I think you love me.

We can be together,
away from everyone else.

Obviously, we'll be miserable,

but I truly believe
our love will make us happy.

- Okay, you realize
the Bad Place is not

some sort of couples retreat,
right?

- If it is, Janet and I
would like to go.

- I am going!
And Real Eleanor is going!

- No, I'm going
with Real Eleanor!

- No, I'm going with Chidi!

- Me and Janet are staying,
just FYI.

- Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.

- Oh, that's enough out of you,
robot lover.

- Hey, that's racist!
- Not a robot.

- Oh, you have some nerve.

[all talking at once]
- Guys?

[all talking at once]

Guys!

[groans]

[all talking at once]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Holy motherforking shirtballs.

- What?

- Oh, man.

Wow!

Wow!

[laughing]
Okay, okay.

Uh, whoo!

Yo, Mikey! Shawn!
Come on out!

- Is everything okay?

- Right as rain, Mikey my boy.

So, Chidi and I are gonna go
to the Bad Place.

- What?
- Trust me, I've got this.

That's our decision.
Let's hit it.

- Well, what about Real Eleanor?

- No, it's me and Chidi.
Call the train.

- Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.

- Point of order.
I don't accept this offer.

The real mistakes were
Jason and Eleanor.

- Gah, gah, gah, gah!
You said any two of us.

It's me and Chidi.
Let's do it to it.

- Michael! I just found
an obscure precedent

in the rules
that might just save everyone.

- Buzz off, Bambadjan!
Don't need it.

- Oh, okay.
[chuckles]

[door closes]

- Ready when you are, boss.

- Eleanor, what's going on?

- It took me a while
to figure it out,

but just now as we were all

fighting and yelling
at each other

fighting and yelling
at each other

and each one of us demanding
we should go to the Bad Place,

I thought to myself,
"Man, this is torture."

And then it hit me.

They're never gonna call a train
to take us to the Bad Place.

The can't,
because we're already here.

This is the Bad Place.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

- [evil laugh]

Oh, man!

I can't believe
you figured it out.

[laughs]

Oh, God!

Y-you ruined everything,
you know that?

- Oh, man.

Eleanor, you really suck!

- [gasps]
- I was so close

to pulling it off!

[groans]
[stammering]

[sobs]

[ceramic crunches]

- Sorry.
So she's right?

- Yeah, she figured it out.

- No, this doesn't make
any sense.

This is paradise.

- Oh, it looks like paradise,

but it's actually
a filthy dumpster

but it's actually
a filthy dumpster

full of our worst anxieties.

I'm surrounded by people who are
literally better than me.

Just me being here forced Chidi
into an ethical "clusterfork."

Tahani tortured Jason

by constantly trying
to get him to talk,

Jason tortured my because I was
sure he would blow our cover,

which was torture for Chidi,

because he was
responsible for me,

which made Chidi seem
like the perfect soul mate,

and that tortured Tahani
because he didn't love her.

- You don't love me?

- Please, don't ask me that
right now.

- See?

We've been torturing each other

since the moment we arrived,

and everything Michael has done

has made at least one of us
miserable.

I had to be his assistant
and try and find myself.

- He convinced me to throw
my life's work in the garbage.

- He made sure I'd see those
bogus neighborhood rankings

because he knew I'd hate
being second-to-last.

- I had the perfect bud hole
and no dudes to share it with.

- He played us like a fiddle.

You gotta give it up.

- Oh, dip!

Eleanor,
I told you that first night

that we were in a prank show.

- Oh, yeah.

You did!
Great job, man.

- [laughs]

- Chidi, don't go!

I don't care if you don't
love me, I love you.

It's the only thing
that makes any sense to me

in this crazy world,
and I think we should stay...

- No, stop, Vicky.
They figured it out.

- They...
- They know this is

the Bad Place.

Eleanor figured it out.

- [groans] Man!

- [groans] Man!

This was supposed to be
my big moment.

I just rehearsed that speech
for, like, three hours.

Damn it, Eleanor,
you are the worst,

and you can all suck it.

- Do you remember
what I told you

when you predicted you could
do this for 1,000 years?

- The time has come to innovate.

The human afterlife
can be more fun.

For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.

For us, obviously, not
for the people we're torturing.

Who cares about those dummies?

[laughter]

I present to you
the perfect recipe

for my proposed experiment.

Four people, perfectly suited
to make each other miserable.

I'm going to design an afterlife

where they torture each other.

- We've tried this.

Humans are very reticent
to torture each other.

Even getting them to do
simple things

like pulling out each other's
teeth is like...

Like pulling out each other's
teeth is like...

I can't think
of the right analogy.

What makes you think that you
can get them to do this?

- Because they won't even know
that they are doing it.

I'm going to make them think
that they are in the Good Place,

and to make sure that they
drive each other insane,

I will be there, posing
as a Good Place architect.

- What?

- I even stole
a Good Place Janet we can use.

- Ugh!

- It can work.

- [scoffs]
- Look,

we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits

we can just send them all
to the hot spike pits

with the lava and the bees

and the lightning
that tears off their flesh.

Let's try something new.

- Too many variables.
Too many moving parts.

- That's what will make it fun.

I cannot predict everything
that's gonna happen,

but we'll improvise.

We'll... we'll be on our toes.
It'll be exciting.

I think that we can get them
to torture each other...

for 1,000 years.

- I think you'll be lucky
to get six months

out of this insane gambit.

But take me through it.
How would this work, exactly?

- Oh. Yes, all right, so...
[clears throat]

This is
a 14 million-point plan.

- Um...
Oh, sorry.

I thought we reserved
the conference room.

- No, Todd,
we have it until 3:00.

- Sorry.
Sorry, everyone.

- So, Bambadjan and Gunnar
and Shawn...

Everyone else
in this neighborhood...

- Except for you four,

- Except for you four,

everyone in this neighborhood
is one of us.

After I came up
with everyone's characters,

we'd just create fun scenarios
designed to torture you.

- How can I be over it?
We haven't discussed it

or even spoken for days.

- Well, it sounds
like you've had

a really nice vacation
from your full-time job.

Get your story straight.

- Okay.

They're at each other's throats
already.

This should put them
over the top.

Ed, you play Bart,
a former private eye.

- Ooh.
- Tracy, you're his soul mate,

Nina...
a marriage counselor.

Nina...
a marriage counselor.

[both laughing]

- Maybe we can get them
to swing with us.

[laughter]

- That's perfect, perfect!

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, guys?
It's Michael!

- [groans]

- That was really a fun time.

Then it all started
to go off the rails.

- When I confessed.

You had no idea
I was gonna do that,

because honestly, I had
no idea I was gonna do that,

- Yeah, that came
out of nowhere.

I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.

I mean, after that it was just
a crazy scramble for all of us.

You know, I definitely
underestimated

how effective Chidi
was gonna be,

teaching you to be good,

and obviously,
we didn't anticipate

that Janet would
fall in love with Jason.

- Hang on.
That part is real.

- Oh, yeah.
Janet isn't one of us.

No, she's sort of a...
foundational mainframe

for all of the neighborhoods,
good and bad.

And apparently, this Janet
is in love with Jason.

I mean... [laughs]
What a world, huh?

- Wait, I don't get something.

I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why Tahani?

I know why Jason and I were
sent here, but why Tahani?

- Oh, yeah.
Didn't you raise,

like, $1,000 for charity,
or whatever?

- Uh, $60 billion, actually, so.

[playful music]

Oh.

But it didn't matter...

because my motivations
were corrupt.

♪ ♪

I didn't care about helping

the people
I raised the money for.

I just wanted to prove
my parents wrong,

stick it to my sister,

get fame and attention.

My only real goal

was to snog Ryan Gosling
at the Met Ball.

Which I did.

Couple of times, actually.

- But wait, why is Chidi here?

- Well, uh...

there's something
you don't know about me.

I read an article saying
that growing almonds

was bad for the environment,
and yet I continued to use

almond milk in my coffee...
- No, dingus!

You hurt everyone in your life

with your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.

With your rigidity
and your indecisiveness.

[playful music]

- Oh, fork!

You're right.

Every friend, every girlfriend
was driven nuts

because I couldn't do anything.

I missed my mom's back surgery

because I had already promised
my landlord's nephew

that I would help him
figure out his new phone.

I made everyone miserable.

- Well, if it'll make you
feel any better,

you were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.

You were the closest to actually
getting in, up there.

You weren't that close.
You were just the closest.

- That makes me feel worse,
somehow.

- Good.
Thank you, Chidi.

I really needed to hear that
right now.

I mean, all this hard work,
all the planning,

all for nothing.

This really sucks.

- No, it doesn't.

This is wonderful.

You saw us all on Earth...

A selfish ass, an idiot DJ,
a tortured academic,

a hot, rich fraud
with legs for days...

A hot, rich fraud
with legs for days...

Side note, I might
legit be into Tahani.

But that's for another time.

You thought we would
torture each other,

and we did for a little,

but we also took care
of each other.

We improved each other,

and the four of us
became a team.

So, the only thing
you succeeded in doing

was bringing us all together.

- Oh, Eleanor.
That's it!

My big mistake was
bringing you all together,

My big mistake was
bringing you all together,

having you be soul mates
living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out
so it's more of a slow burn.

- Uh, next time?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna
erase your memories,

you know, make a few changes
and start over again.

Hopefully. Just gotta get
the boss man to sign off.

Wish me luck.

[dramatic music]

- Guys, we need a plan.
Quick.

Tahani, anything?

Chidi, I need ya.
You're the smart one.

- I-I can't.
I-I can't.

- Jason?
- What? What's up?

- Ugh!

- What do you say?
Take two, huh?

- I don't know.

I mean, what is this?
All this work for four people,

and me, I'm wearing
a judge's robe?

I feel like a real weenie.

- Look, for a first attempt
it was actually very promising.

Let me... let me just tinker
a little, try again.

Let me... let me just tinker
a little, try again.

- Okay.

But you're way out on a limb
here, Mike.

If this thing goes sideways
again, you are done.

- Guys, he is going to erase
our memories at any second

and all of this will have been
for nothing.

Ugh!
You're useless!

[dramatic music]

What do I write?
What do I write?

Ooh!
Come on, brain.

♪ ♪

Janet?

Janet?

You can't eat anything, right?

- Correct.
- Open up.

- All right, let's try again,
shall we?

- You know what, bro?
Do your worst.

We figured it out once,
we can do it again,

because you know what, Michael?

Ya bas...

[chimes tinkle]

[door opening]

- Eleanor, come on in.

- Eleanor, come on in.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop,
are dead.

- Cool.

[upbeat music]

- You know the way you feel
when you see

a chimpanzee and a baby tiger
who've become friends?

[laughter]

That's how you're
going to feel every day.

♪ ♪

Your medical relief mission
to Kazakhstan,

that really put you
over the top,

you got a ton of points
for that.

- Eleanor?
I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soul mate.

- Cool.
Bring it in, man.

So where are you from, Chris?

- I'm from Teaneck, New Jersey,

and I was a mailman.

- Really?
[laughs]

Chris, you'll stand by me
no matter what, right?

- Hold that thought.
Is it okay if I go work out?

I love working out.
I gotta stay jacked,

it's... who I am.

- Yeah, you gotta.

- Yeah, you gotta.

- Once I'm back,
we'll get to know each other.

- Great.

See ya soon.

[door closes]
[beep]

- Hi there.
- [gasps]

Who are you?
- I'm Janet.

I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted,
I found it in my mouth.

- What?

[dramatic music]

What the fork is a "Chidi"?

Why can't I say "fork"?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪