Original subtitles

(UPBEAT, CHEERFUL MUSIC)

- # The sun is rising and I'm...

# I'm feeling fine.

- Hey, big guy. There you are.

- # I put my favourite clothes on and I...

- Hey, a fan.

Wow. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

This guy. Hey-hey! (SMACK!) Eh, look after yourself.

Little child in need of some inspiration. (PEN SQUEAKS)

You reach for your dreams, little boy.

Ew, no. Don't do babies.

- # I'm feeling good.

- Oi!

- # I'm feeling good

# on a hot, hot day. I'm feeling... - # Good...

- # ...feeling good, yeah. - # ...on a hot, hot day.

# Feeling good. #

- Hey-hey! Any messages for me, Debs?

- Your spray tan appointments are no longer my concern.

- Yeah. Fair call. Well,...

you hold a commanding presence, boss.

- I wonder if Billybags regrets signing that insane contract

in one of his tornadoes of blinded arrogance that night.

- At least the board acknowledged that insane contract.

Just so you know, behind that door — huge desk.

You know what they say about people with big desks?

- They can't fit it through the door?

- Yeah.

(WHISTLES)

(GASPS) - BOTH: Gift basket!

- Got those weird pickles that are gonna sit in my pantry forever

and paper-thin wafer crackers.

I'm back. - Eeny,

meeny, miny... Ooh!

- BOTH: Oh! - And you are back.

We are back, baby.

(SIGHS)

What? We're celebrating. There's no plonk.

It's just like a very dirty martini. (SLURPS, SMACKS LIPS)

Mmm. Dirty.

And — get this — table for two...

at Darke. Apparently,

the restaurant is in pitch-black darkness.

And 'dark' is spelt with an E at the end.

- That is so pretentious. - I guess you have to take me,

now that your nasty lawyer lady's dumped your pasty white arse.

- Just so you know, my pasty white arse is due a spray tan. All right?

(KNOCK AT DOOR) Hey. - Hey.

Thought you might want these. There's some grumpy guy in a wheelchair who said

you parked in the disabled park, and then threw them at him, so...

(KEYS JINGLE) - Oh, thanks for reparking it. - I didn't.

- Uh, good, because I negotiated hard for that disabled car park.

- Nice. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, Tobes.

What's with the long face? - You want some gherkin martini?

- No. I don't know — they confiscated my dressing room, so...

- Well, you did ambush the former network head

and cause his disgraceful downfall live on air, hmm?

- That wasn't me, OK? It was all Lou.

- Doesn't matter. You got a fancy pants new gig with me now.

And you can share this dressing room. Alexis, she'll draw up a spreadsheet of shower times.

- Mm-mm. - The shower times clash,

we shower together, like teammates. Mm-hm.

- PA: Vince Walters to Studio Three, please.

- (GASPS) Showtime, baby.

- BOTH: I'm a mother pheasant plucker; I pluck mother pheasants.

I'm the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker to ever pluck a mother pheasant.

- Fucking peasant.

(EXCITING MUSIC, APPLAUSE) - Hey!

Welcome along, everybody, to Mike Martin Tonight

with Vince Walters... tonight.

My condolences to the next host to take over this programme —

I don't think we're gonna be able to fit your name into the title. (LAUGHTER)

But rest assured to the viewers at home — and to the censors —

I have learnt my lesson, and tonight, I am...

double-belting. (LAUGHTER)

We have a fantastic show coming up for you this evening.

As always, I'm joined by my loyal sidekick, Toby.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

And, of course, we have all of your favourite segments coming up as well,

including Mike's Minutes with Vince Walters,

Drop the Mike with Vince Walters

and Reverse Mike-ology with —

that's right — Vince Walters.

Can we just cut? Sorry. (BELL RINGS) Um,

are we able to maybe brainstorm some, you know, new segments

that don't have Mike's name at the front?

Mike's... Mike's gone. He's no longer with us. - Mike Martin's dead?

- No, Mike Martin is not dead. - SOFTLY: Well, he is to me.

What do you reckon, mate? Should we rework this?

- Well, I don't think my opinion really matters.

- No, you're probably right, it doesn't. Yeah.

- If you've got a problem with the script, you're gonna have to take it up with the boss.

- Yeah, I'm really glad he's not dead.

He's like a father to me.

- Uh, no vaping in here. - Eat a dick, Deb. What,

you're gonna go all HR on me now that you're the big dog?

- All right, give us a hoon. - All right.

(SNAP!) Oh, you...!

(PLINK!) OK. You were serious this time.

- When aren't I? What can I do for you? - We wanna talk about branding.

- Mm. Is it just us, or you're not really letting go of Mike Martin?

- Look, Mike's been here for 23 years.

We're looking for familiarity for the audience.

Continuity. It came through in the research.

- Oh, yeah? Where's the research?

- Are you questioning me, Vince? I don't need to show you the research.

- Because there is no research — something Billy used to do all the time to shut the talent up.

- Careful, Vince. Don't forget who you're talking to.

- Yeah, I know who I'm talking to. I'm talking to Billy's assistant.

Don't pee on my head and tell me it's raining, Debs.

- HUSHED: I think it's 'pee on my leg', mate.

- HUSHED: Leg, head, whatever. It's other people's urine;

it's unhygienic. You get the point. - (CHUCKLES)

Tell you what — message heard.

I know exactly what needs to happen.

(GLUM MUSIC)

(RAIN PATTERS)

(KNOCKING)

- Hello. - SOFTLY: Hey.

Jeez, good memories in this place, hey? - Yeah.

- How's the cat? - We've never had a cat.

- Yes, we did — Mr Tibbles. I fed him every day.

Hmm.

See? Cat. - No, that is definitely not our cat.

- Damn it. I loved that cat. - What is all this?

- Oh, it's just an album I made. Evie's always banging on about the

fact we don't have actual family photos.

All she thinks is we've got those dumb publicity ones from magazines.

- Oh, this is really sweet.

We actually had some really good times. - SOFTLY: Yeah.

And some truly shocking ones too. - (CHUCKLES)

- I'll take the hit for that one.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Is Evie about? - Uh, well,...

she's pretty busy, um,

sorting her DNA samples. - Who's she been swabbing this time?

- She's a bit cagey on that bit. (CHUCKLES) But now's not a great time.

- Uh, I can't not see her. I'll just pop in. She can swab me.

It's all good. - Uh,...

in her words, she has...

excised you, like a tumour.

I'm sorry. - OK. Uh,

well, make sure she gets that, eh?

- Yup.

(SLOW, BITTERSWEET MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)

(BANG! CORK CLATTERS) - Whoo-hoo! (GIGGLES)

Vince! (SALSA MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY) Oh, Vince, come on.

Forget about Evie already. Kids get over shit.

If she doesn't, just have another one, and make that one like you. - More sound advice from you (!)

- End of the day, all that matters

is that we have got what we wanted.

Got the show, free car,

fake people being fake to us, pretending they like us again,

and this grossly oversized bottle of champers. - Yeah, it's—

it's pretty gross. - Now drink up. In my experience,

the best way to wash away feelings of family disappointment,

guilt is with oversized alcoholic beverages.

Cheers.

All right, fine. What is it you kiwis say?

KIWI ACCENT: 'Go on. Get it down ya. Yeah, get it down ya, good boy.

'Good boy. That's the boy. Yeah, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull.'

Cheers.

(CURTAIN SCRAPES)

- Vincie, baby, wakey, wakey.

It's your big day.

- (COUGHS, RASPS) What are you doing here?

- What do you mean, what am I doing here?

You naughty, naughty, naughty boy.

- Did we...? - Have a magical night?

You know, I thought you'd be a shit lay, Vince, but, oh, you were sensual.

- (SIGHS) - And so virile. - WHISPERS: Son of a bee-sting.

- It was perfection. Apart from the whole protection whoopsie.

Yeah, I know how fertile you are, and, yeah, my eggs are feeling very,

very fertilised this morning. - Ew! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What have we done?! (SMACK!) - You moron. We didn't do anything.

I mean, you wouldn't stop with the whole, 'Oh, get it down me, get it down me, get it down me,'

and then you just vomited all over my Jimmy Choos and passed out.

- (SIGHS) I went back to the office,

knocked out a few hours on the old elliptical, then I went to the casino —

won $850.

- (SIGHS) Have you been to sleep? - Sleep's for the weak and babies.

Here, chuck this coffee in your gob.

It's show day. I'll see you down there, big boy, OK?

(CLAP, CLAP!) Hey. - (SIGHS)

- Oh, and vinegar works a treat.

- What, for hangovers?

(BIRDS CHIRP)

(FUNK MUSIC)

(WINGS FLUTTER, BIRDS SQUAWK)

- Gah! Gah! (FLUTTERING RECEDES)

- What the hell was that? - Oh, it's magpies.

They're nesting on the roof. - Who knew vinegar was such a bird stimulant!

- Oh yeah. - Sure showed them, though.

They won't be back any time soon. - No way, no how.

- How's it been back on the tools? - Oh, yeah. It's good.

Got an arsonist to defend. - What did he do?

- Set stuff on fire. - He could've robbed a bank.

Just cos he's an arsonist, that shouldn't take away from his other criminal achievements.

- What about you? You're, um... You're back on your tools.

- Mm. - Good luck for tonight. - Hey, uh,...

how about we get together sometime and fight birds?

Have a win for the land lovers?

- Very tempting, but, um,...

maybe not, moron.

- (SIGHS)

'Another win for the land lovers'? Idiot.

Um,... don't take this the wrong way,...

but I feel like I've got more white powder on my face than Colombia right now.

- Yeah, you are starting to look a bit like a mime. - Mm.

- I'm just gonna even it up. - Do you think that could be a red flag

we could've overdone it? - Yeah, I have no idea what I'm doing.

- You can't tell (!) - I'm sorry about that.

We should have someone else tomorrow. The makeup artist walked out once Mike left.

Apparently just could not face coming to work.

He really was like a father to us all.

(KNOCK AT DOOR) - Evie.

Hey, could we finish this whole Marcel Marceau thing later on, yeah?

- Yep.

- So, what do you think?

Ooh, ooh. - I think you're teetering on a whiteface scandal.

- Yeah. (SIGHS)

I thought you had excised me like a tumour. - I did,

but unfortunately, tumours have a way of growing back.

I've come to say goodbye.

- Right. You could stay here with me.

It's not too late.

- Dad, you chose this. This world is a big part of your identity.

It's important to you. - You are important to me.

I've changed. You've seen it. I'm better now.

Or less worse.

Just let me prove it to you.

- Dad, I know you love me,

but you and I both know that if I stay here while you're working,

I will constantly be let down.

- SOFTLY: You're a very special little girl.

I love you.

(HEARTWARMING MUSIC)

- Ah, how's my favourite little girl in the world?

- (GASPS) Granddad! - Hey!

- I'm taking the forensics kit you bought me to Australia. - That's my girl.

Do you need to swab me? Hmm? - No, I still have yours from last time.

- (CHUCKLES) - What are you doing here?

- Well, I came to wish you good luck, you know.

Break a leg and all that showbiz razzmatazz.

Oh, plus, I, uh, had to collect some belongings.

Fan mail, Foundie, uppers and downers —

all the essential accoutrement of a TV show host.

- Well, thanks and goodbye, Mike.

- Oh, why so formal, Vincie boy?

When are you gonna start calling me father? Papa?

Dad? - Uh, when are you gonna start being one?

- OK, so as per usual,...

you two have somehow found a way to make this uncomfortable.

So I'm just gonna go.

- BOTH: Call you when you land, darling.

- OK.

- What do you mean, 'Start being a father,' eh?

I was the best father anyone could dream of.

- (CHUCKLES) Let your ego keep telling yourself that.

- I was a father to you and a father to the nation.

Any kid would've been grateful to have me as a dad.

- You were never at home to be one.

- Oh, is that why you took your mother's name?

- You gave me no choice. You literally weren't in my life.

- We spent quality time together, son.

- Ha! What, when you dragged me in here every now and then? - You loved it here.

You know, free snacks, sparkling water, watching your father become a superstar.

Night after night, entertaining the nation.

Me bringing home the bacon for our family.

Oh, come on — you loved it. - Mm. Yeah. Bumping uglies with anything that moved.

- Wasn't my fault. What could I possibly do about that?

- Uh, maybe don't have sex with strangers and come home to your family?

- I regret nothing. None of it was my fault.

- You were literally having affairs on people you were having affairs with.

- I know. Incredible stamina, right? - You made Mum and me miserable.

- Oh, don't start throwing stones about our family life.

Goodness me. Your whole made-for-TV marriage was a sham.

- That wasn't a sham. - That's why she's running off to Australia.

- See, this is why I don't wanna end up like you.

Now all this is gone, all that's left is a sad,

lonely, bitter, abnormally horny old man.

- You ungrateful sod.

You think you got all this on your own?

I was the one who orchestrated all

of this to hand the empire over to you.

Yeah. Now you see.

I set you up to carry on the legacy, to be just like me.

- I don't wanna be anything like you. - Don't fight it, Vincie boy.

The force is strong between you and I.

The apple doth falleth not far from the tree.

We're cut from the same cloth. - (SCOFFS) You and me are nothing alike.

- Oh, keep telling yourself that.

Good luck out there, hosting my show,...

with my name,...

riding my coattails.

- Vince. Sorry. Vince.

Hey, um...

Whoa. - Too much on the old powder?

- Yeah, a little bit. - Yeah, thought so.

- Can I ask you a question? - Probably be awkward if I said no, wouldn't it?

- Well, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

- Honestly, you've always been my idol.

Man, like, ever since I was a teenager,

all I wanted to be was Vince Walters.

I just didn't wanna, you know, bring it up and make it weird for,

like, you know, like, fanboying or whatever.

And just, you know, tell me honestly —

do you think that this is all I'm destined to be —

just, like, some sidekick and never the main act?

- SOFTLY: Oh, Tobes. This game's a roller coaster.

Sometimes you're on it; sometimes you're off it;

sometimes you have your genitals out in a children's hospital,

and they won't even let you into the theme park to ride the roller coaster.

But just know in here —

you've got the talent.

The right gig for you is just around the corner.

- Oh, that's the janitor's closet.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I was talking about the janitor (!) - Oh.

- You'd be a great janitor. Yeah. - (CHUCKLES) - Strong hands. Good for scrubbing,

cleaning. (CHUCKLES)

You're one of the good ones, Tobes.

- One of the good ones? Is that, like, a...

racist thing or something?

CHUCKLES: I'm kidding. - Oh.

Never do that to me again. - (CHUCKLES)

- Come on. Let's get out there, sidekick.

I'm a mother pheasant plucker; I pluck mother pheasants.

- There you are. I need to tell you something.

Why do you look like a Victorian prostitute?

- (SIGHS) Don't ask.

What's up? - Now all I can think about is snorting your face.

- Yeah, well, please don't do that. - Uh... - Hey!

Uh, what are you...? Aren't you meant to be, like,

on a plane, cooking shrimps on a barbie? What's going on?

- You haven't told him? - I didn't know how.

- Do I have to do everything around here?

Vince, I've made an executive decision,

cos I'm an executive now.

You were right — we did need a new name for the show.

- ANNOUNCER: Please welcome our host with the most —

It's Mike Martin Tonight with Lou Walters.

(APPLAUSE) - Sorry, Vin. Debs called last night.

But how good — now you get to be with Evie.

(EXCITING MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Do I still go? - No.

- Welcome to Mike Martin Tonight with Lou Walters tonight.

My condolences to the next person to host the show —

I don't think your name's gonna fit in the title.

(LAUGHTER) - How do you like that from the assistant?

Remind me — was I meant to be peeing on your head or your leg?

- I took my ex-husband for the house,

the car and his TV job. - You knew?

- Oh, I only just found out an hour ago.

I just couldn't figure out how to tell you.

- Well, this method worked pretty well (!)

- Oh, I'm so glad you think so, cos I wasn't sure about the angle. Oh, Vince!

- ...Reverse Mike-ology with Lou Walters,

and Drop the Mike with — you guessed it — Lou Walters.

(LAUGHTER) But for now, it's time for our first guest.

(APPLAUSE)

(CELL PHONE DINGS, BUZZES)

- (SIGHS)

(PHONE DINGS, BUZZES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Fuck off, Alexis!

(DOWNBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, mate.

- So, you gonna apologise for telling me to fuck off?

- Yeah, sorry about that one.

You hungry? - Yeah.

- TV: Please welcome our musical guest for this evening.

She has no last name, like Beyonce, Madonna,

or someone avoiding Interpol. (LAUGHTER)

Give it up for the wonderfully talented Bethanae.

(APPLAUSE)

- # Oh, thinkin' about our younger years,

# there was only you and me.

# We were young and wild and free.

# Baby, you're all that I want,

# when you're lying here in my arms.

# I'm findin' it hard to believe

# we're in heaven. #

- # For you,

# my love,...

# I will do...

# anything. - # Ooh.

# I'll build myself a ladder...

- # Ladder... - # ...and I'll climb... - # ...and I'll climb...

- # ...to the Moon,...

# and I'll bring it down to you.

- # Bring it down to you.

- # For you,...

# my love,...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

# ...I will dive into the sea.

- # Ah,...

# sea of love.

- # I'll find the sweetest pearl,

# as a proof for my love. #

- Hey. - Hey.

Thought you could use some company. - (CHUCKLES)

(SMASH!) - Mum! - Oh, Rupert.

- Meet you on the balcony? - Yeah. - Yeah.

(ROMANTIC DOO-WOP MUSIC CONCLUDES)

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

- Fuck, marry, kill — Gandhi,...

the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa.

I think I'd jump on board Gandhi, eh?

Phil, have you been working out?

I could eat my breakfast off those buns, baby. (CHUCKLES)

I am so sick of these wannabe

namby-pamby Greta Thunberg losers.

I mean, we ruined the environment — get over it already.

- READS: Welcome back.

Did you just lick me? - You taste like lemons.

Oh, yes. See, Trump speaks the truth.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025.

- # Baby, don't put the blame

# on me.

# I'm just a fool boy,

# can't you see?

# You know I need you more than

# anything, my all,

# my everything.

- # My everything.

- # Baby, put all the blame

# on springtime.

# I never meant to cause you

# pain. Oh, baby,

# please say you'll remain.

- # Say you'll remain. #