Original subtitles

Holy forking shirtballs...

we're in the Good Place.

Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place?

It's rather... carpeted.

Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys

wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

- What? - Don't.

No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place.

Just take a deep breath.

Whoa.

That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favourite water park when I was a kid!

Mmm. Chlorine, sun tan lotion, Band-Aids

and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

When I was researching my fake Neighbourhood, I learned about this.

The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Warm pretzels.

Or, no, wait...

it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Those two things have very similar smells.

I smell... Blake Bortles holding the Super Bowl MVP trophy

as Dan Patrick says, "This has to feel good, Blake"

and he says "It sure does, Dan.

And I owe it all to my best friend, Jason Mendoza."

Also weed.

Mmm, to me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy.

Oh! This truly is the Good Place!

I don't think we're in the main Good Place area.

This seems like this is some kind of a... mail depot.

So we're talkin' about mailmen now? From heaven?

Literally had that calendar, and I did not get past March.

- What? - Don't.

OK, there are two key things that we have to do.

- Make sure that no one can follow us. Janet? - On it.

What's the second thing we have to do?

Keep a low profile.

OK, if there's anyone in the building, here's our cover story.

I'm an accountant. Um, you are a Neutral Janet.

And you four...

won a contest.

- Really? - Really?

OK, not that. I-I'll come up with something better.

Well, why do we need a cover story at all?

These are the good guys. Let's just come clean and request asylum.

Yeah, man, we're refugees.

What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees?

The main thing I've learned about the Good Place

is that they never break the rules

no way to guarantee they wouldn't send you right down to the Bad Place.

What the heck is going on in there?

Oh! Hi, there! Um, I'm an accountant.

We're coming from Accounting, um...

and as we were, uh, climbing through the...

the mailbox, it... it blew up!

Uh... The explosion was caused by demons.

We were being chased by demons.

And a Dracula! There was a Dracula chasing us.

Was there, though, Jason?

Yeah.

Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox! With his bazooka.

Well, geez Louise, I'm sure glad you're OK!

My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place!

I'm Michael, and, uh, this is my Neutral Janet.

Hello. Also, not hello.

It's nothing to meet you. End of statement.

OK. And these four here are humans.

If you can believe it!

"If" I can believe it!

Watch this - I believe it!

Why are they here?

Because they won a contest.

Congratulations, guys!

Come on in!

This is the correspondence centre.

Make yourselves at home. There's a sofa, that's a bowl of fruit...

that's the door to the Good Place... ooh, there's a fun paperweight

shaped like a little hat!

I'm sorry, uh... this right here is... is the door to, um, the Good Place?

Well, it's a door to the Good Place, but it won't open for you guys, though.

The only door for humans is the Official Entrance

which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here.

So you're kinda just stuck inside.

Wow.

It's really weird that you guys won a contest to be in this building...

Um, you know, take that up with the folks at Weird Contest Magazine.

Hey, why don't we help you clean up the mess in the mailroom?

Wow, thanks! Did I win a contest?

Chidi and I will be right there!

- Chidi, help me! - She said it's not gonna open.

Fine.

Eleanor!

What? This is how I always got out of escape rooms.

If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out!

Is everything OK in there?

Yep!

OK! No follow-up questions!

Hey there, Smashy.

Before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps

- you have anything you need to talk about? - I can't take this anymore, man.

All the running, and hiding, and fighting

and this whole insane journey, and now all that stands between us

and the actual Good Place is one door!

What is that, two inches thick?

That's like four Oreos! We're four Oreos from heaven!

I know, I know, I know.

It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you.

So, let's take a deep breath.

- Mm... - Hm.

OK.

The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.

How?

- Mm... - Why?

- Say, Gwendolyn. - Hm?

I need to speak with the Committee, regarding an urgent matter.

Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly

and that's definitely against the rules.

I see.

How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules?

Well, by calling them on that phone!

- But I can't let ya use it. - Right.

And even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number

and you wouldn't tell me.

I couldn't!

There are no numbers.

You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want!

But, you can't use it.

Of course not!

- Just as a hypothetical... - Mm-hm?

Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone?

Any kind of alarm?

Golly, no!

So it's entirely untraceable?

Sure is!

What a fun thought experiment!

- You said it, Gwendolyn. - Uh-huh.

Oh, sorry, is that a dog barking in another room?

I doubt it, because I don't have a dog.

But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check!

Hello? Doggie?

My name is Michael. I'm an Accountant.

I need to speak with the Committee, immediately

on the top floor of the Correspondence Centre.

Thank you.

Jason, you seem thoughtful

and that concerns me.

Do you remember that one time, when we were in Janet's void

and we all looked like Janet?

I do, yes.

You know how I saw that thing about how Janet loves me?

I don't know how I feel about her, and also I feel bad that I sort of, like

read her diary, and she doesn't know.

- What should I do? - Well, perhaps you should tell Janet

what you saw, and start a dialogue about your feelings.

Who knows if a relationship will take hold, but you must begin from a place of honesty.

Thanks, Tahani.

It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife.

Hey, Janet!

Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void?

I do, yes.

When we were in there, I was wandering around because you have the ability to make anything

and I wanted to see where you keep the rollerblades

and I accidently saw that video thing about how you love me.

You saw that? That's so embarrassing.

I mean, it kinda freaked me out at first. But, hey, let's talk about it.

I don't want to talk about this.

You guys were in my void and it was exhausting and I almost blew up

and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings...

How's it going in here?

It is going neutrally. End of conversation.

- Can we... - End of conversation.

You got one shot, buddy.

Be clear, be confident, and don't let them intimidate you.

Oh, wow!

- Wow, this place is very cool! - Have you guys ever been here before?

- I have never been here before! - No, no, no.

I love it! So charming!

Hello, everyone, I'm Michael. Thank you for coming.

No, thank you for asking us to come!

It is one of the great honours of my eternal life to be invited here

by you, today, for this momentous occasion.

Now...

Who are you, and why are we here?

Well, in a nutshell, I believe that the Bad Place has somehow infiltrated

the Accounting Department, and is tampering with the points system.

My goodness. That would be a disaster.

Everyone, focus up. Meg, you take notes.

Daisuke? Open a secure channel to headquarters.

Kellen? Head to the farmer's market and grab us fresh peaches.

I think pluots are in season.

Well, then get pluots, Kellen.

Get as many pluots as can fit in your tote bag.

We are gonna be here a while.

Brought you some water. Well, I mean there's not a kitchen

but I found this kind of glowing bowl, with liquid in it?

Maybe it was a toilet. I'm gonna throw this out.

What are you doing?

Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter.

- Ugh! - Alright, forget about the door, look at me.

Right now, we're together

in heaven, basically, and we're in love.

Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse.

I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats".

Oh, check it out, straight through my sweatshirt.

Cool. Hey! I have an idea to take your mind off the door.

- Let's go on a date. - What?

No, I'm serious. Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise?

You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats?

Man, you must really be into me.

You have to admit, it's very odd that no one has gotten into the Good Place

for 500 years.

Mm, well, there've been dips before.

Remember, like, 200,000 years ago when they invented stabbing

and they were all just, like, stabbing each other?

Again, I urge you to look at Doug Forcett.

The man has lived a selfless life, and he's not even close to getting in.

The only explanation is that the Bad Place has somehow rigged the system.

I wouldn't put it past them. Every single Bad Place employee is a disgusting monster.

Well... some of them are probably cool

handsome, "man-about-town" types.

Committee! Michael the Accountant has brought us evidence of a problem

and now it is up to us to find a solution.

While you wait, Kellen will stand by you, showering you with compliments.

Great job, Michael. You are such a good speaker.

This suit is very flattering. You have a lot of gravitas.

I thought I was going to be annoyed by this, but it... it's wonderful.

Your jawline is extraordinary. You're a nice height.

Your energy is electric.

I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company.

It's nice to be here.

And it's not nice, to not be there.

So, how'd you two meet? Was it through the contest?

Tahani and I met in brain school

and then we got married, because nothing mattered.

And you're both so attractive! Are all humans as attractive as you two?

- No. - Oh! Fantastic.

Say, Jason, can you help me get more wicker baskets from the other room?

Sure thing.

I'm so sorry, darling, this is all my fault.

I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.

You saw that too?

No.

Jason knows that I love him, it stinks to hear about how the two of you are married

this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin

and if I don't remain "neutral" in front of Gwendolyn

she's gonna know we've been lying!

All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me

which might be super embarrassing!

What if they come out my butt?

Whoa! Champagne!

Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift.

I feel kinda bad. What if it was for something really important?

"Gwendolyn, here's some champagne for you for thanking me

for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me

for the champagne you sent me."

Pop that bench.

This is my kind of scrappy fun.

Sneaking around with a boy, trying not to get caught...

I know, it's like when my parents would go to a symposium

and I would sneak into their office and read the unabridged dictionary.

I can't believe I'm attracted to you.

You are, though.

I'm not worried about that anymore. You blew it when you admitted it to me.

You still thinking about what's on the other side of that door?

Not really, no.

Because you're here with me, on this side.

I have... one more little surprise for you.

OK, open 'em.

Holy forking fork.

What do you think?

Oh, no, you're crying!

I assume it's because you're happy?

Or horny? Is this a horny-cry?

No! I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault.

- Why! Do you not like the outfit? - I love the outfit!

You look amazing! And this sucks, and I'm furious!

And I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you!

In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action.

Wow.

Can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.

We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this.

And we are fast-tracking the process.

It'll take no more than 400 years.

- Sorry? - It's aggressive, but you heard right.

We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team.

Wait, 400 years just to form the team?

I was thinking that we could do something... now-ish.

- Like, right now. - Michael, we have rules, procedures.

- We're the Good Guys. We can't just do stuff! - No.

Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organising

a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate...

Themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest.

And that will take 1,000 years.

OK.

Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this

the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place.

Which is everyone!

And that deeply concerns us.

Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are?

- We're taking this very seriously. - Hear, hear.

Ooh, Kellen. Did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum?

No. Sincerest apologies.

I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately.

Hey, you two. I think I may have solved one part of our little problem.

I made up a "Death Did Us Part" certificate

explaining that since Jason and I are dead, we are officially no longer fake-married.

I know it's not your main concern, but whatever part of you was vexed

by our silly arrangement, you can now both relax.

I can tell by your silence and inability to make eye contact with me

that I've knocked it out the park.

It's a nice gesture.

I feel both pitied and put on the spot, so...

that's fun.

And it's a cool reminder of how I'm... dead.

Well, forget it! Never mind.

Misfire. Watch this!

There. Cancelled.

- So, you and I are married again? - No, we're not.

Um...

Eugh!

It's OK.

Cry as long as you want.

I'm going to.

Cos my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favourite movie theatre.

It's a really weird incentive to keep crying.

Ugh. Relationships are stupid.

You're scared you're never gonna have a real one

and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.

Here's an idea, what if we don't worry about whatever comes next?

There's a quote I like by Tolstoy.

"There is only one time that is important.

Now. It is the only time..."

"...when we have any power."

I know that quote.

An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.

Well, now I hate it.

There is another quote, first spoken by a very wise

very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher

"You gotta try."

Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but...

I think it applies to relationships too.

I've got an idea of something we could try.

Great! What?

Oh!

Wait, I-I think I know...

Well, I don't wanna assume.

What if we both write down what we think you mean...

- What if we didn't? - OK, ooh, ah...

Michael?

How did it go? Is the Committee going to help us?

The Committee is a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests.

The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly worded letter to the iceberg.

How much more evidence do they need?

The Bad Place has to be tampering with the system!

There's no other explanation.

Can I ask you an unrelated question?

Absolutely not! The fate of all of humanity is at stake

and time is running out!

Go ahead.

I'm trying to help Jason and Janet navigate some very complex feelings

but everything I do makes it worse.

You know them better than anyone else, how do I just make them happy?

How do you make Jason happy?

You give him a lollipop shaped like a Transformer.

You'd think it'd be that simple

but every time I do something nice, it backfires.

There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions.

It feels like a game you can't win!

That's it.

There is another explanation.

Unintended consequences. Oh, Tahani... you did it!

Well, of course I did, darling!

Did what?

All along, I've only been looking at one Doug

but there's... millions of Dougs in here.

In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England

gave his grandmother roses for her birthday.

He picked them himself, walked them over to her

she was happy, boom, 145 points.

Now... Yeah, here we go.

In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland

also gave his grandmother a dozen roses

but he lost four points!

Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell-phone that was made in a sweatshop

the flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers

delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint

and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO

who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals!

Woo!

That is a very odd thing to cheer.

Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points.

They don't have to! Because every day, the world gets a little more complicated

and being a good person gets a little harder.

- Gather the others. We have a lot to do. - But we really didn't deal with my thing...

OK.

I'll just... figure it out.

Janet, I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry I meddled.

Truly, I was only trying to help, because I want you two to be happy

and because, well, I love you.

I really do. I love you both.

Oh no! I'm sorry, did I say something wrong again?

No, I'm just crying because you're such a nice and thoughtful friend

and the emotions aren't coming out of my butt

they're coming out of my eyes, which is somehow just as embarrassing.

Why are you crying?

I don't know. I'm British, I... I... I never cry.

But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry!

And also, this is less important

but the carpeting is really disgusting.

Oh!

Why are you crying?

I just like being a part of things!

Oh...

Two humans and a Neutral Janet crying? In the Good Place?

I've never been suspicious of anyone, but I think that's about to change...

Oh, no reason to be suspicious! I-I promise you, we've done nothing untoward.

What's up, fartfaces? Chidi and I just had sex in a closet.

Michael, have you all been lying to me this whole time?

That upsets me! I'm gonna try to shake my fist at you!

D'oh, gosh darn it!

I have no choice. I have to turn you in to the Judge.

Don't bother. I already did.

Hey, Frogman.

The Judge agreed to your terms. She'll meet you at IHOP.

So this is the Good Place, huh? Hm.

Smells like frogs.

Cool. Let's go.

Sorry, did he just say we're going to IHOP?

- Yes. - Tight!

No, not tight.

The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe.

Then why are we going?

To save humanity.

Great, any chance I could change real quick?

- Nope. - Cool.

Bye, guys! Nice to meet you!