Original subtitles

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

♪ Did you ever lie and listen to the rainfall ♪

♪ Did you ever own a homemade apple pie? ♪

♪ Did you ever watch a child while he was praying? ♪

♪ Just don't let the good life pass you by ♪

♪ Did you ever hold a hand ♪

♪ To stop its trem... ♪

- Hello! - Hello.

Hope we have the right house. I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?

I'm Doug Forcett.

Wow! Oh, yes... yes, you are.

Sorry, um...

I'm a reporter for the Calgary Times Examiner.

- Oh. - My name is, uh, Michael Scoop.

- Mm-hm? - This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop.

- She's my sister. We're the Scoops. - Oh, boy.

Some... some people in town are saying you live a pretty interesting life out here

growing your own food, completely off the grid...

- Mm. - We would love to do

a human-interest story about you for the paper.

What do you say?

O-OK, let me think...

Well, first off, I'm so flattered that you'd want to do a whole news story

just about me, that's so nice!

Heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family.

Can I ask, is your newspaper printed on recycled paper?

Yes. Yeah, no, very recycled. The most.

Alright then, come on in!

Great! Great. Uh, hey, you know, before we forget

can Janet take a photo of you for the paper?

Oh...

OK, can you look up a little, and to the right?

Smile, but only with your mouth and not your eyes?

Perfect.

It was 1972.

Uh, my friend Randy and I ate some magic mushrooms.

Randy asked me, "What do you think happens when you die?"

And I saw, with perfect clarity, how the afterlife works.

Immediately, I knew I had to live a perfect life.

Well, not immediately.

The next day, all I could do was watch kung fu movies

and stroke a blanket that I thought was my cat.

But soon after, I designed a life

that would maximize my point total and help me get into the Good Place

- and I've been living it ever since. - Mm.

- I know this sounds crazy. - No! No, actually, it makes...

- it makes perfect sense. - Oh!

Oh, boy, you've been sitting here for ten minutes

and I haven't offered you anything to eat or drink.

- Oh... - Would you like some water?

Or fresh radishes?

Water'd be great.

Janet! How cool is he?

You know, for a celebrity

he's amazingly down-to-earth. Stars, they really are just like us.

He's so thoughtful with his actions. Thank goodness he had that hallucination.

He could've had the one Randy had, where everything was made of ears.

- Way less helpful. - We have to learn everything we can

about what makes him tick so we can use it to help others.

He is the blueprint, Janet.

He figured it all out.

Here we go - two waters.

Let me know if you're not happy with them.

I have ice cubes if it's too warm, and a Koozie if it's too cold.

Oh... Boy, that has an interesting aftertaste.

Is that from a nearby river?

Oh, no. Why take fresh water away from the beavers and the fish?

- Ah... - No, I have my composting toilet

hooked up to a water filtration system.

One man's waste is another man's water.

- Mm. - And both men are me!

Hm, hm.

I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink.

I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest

to Phoenix to Calgary...

I'm so jet-lagged, I can't even "regrender" my "chorf."

Don't even know what I was trying to say.

You need to get your blood flowing. There's a pool table over there.

- Wanna play? - Yeah, sure, why not?

Let's do it.

Tahani, can I ask your advice about something?

Is it about your grating speaking voice?

I'm so glad you finally brought it up, because honestly

- with a few elocution lessons... - No, I want to ask you about Chidi.

What's wrong with my voice?

Nothing! It's lovely!

Tell me about Chidi!

So, it must get lonely up here all by yourself without anyone to talk to?

Oh, I've got lots of friends. There's this little guy, for example.

Yeah, it's a snail.

Hi, snail! I don't name them

in case they already have a name they prefer.

- Huh. - So, this is an organic garden?

Yeah. Everything I eat, I grow myself.

The radish patch was actually here when I moved in.

I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.

- Mean... to the radishes? - Mm.

I also grow lentils, because they require very little water

- and have the smallest carbon footprint. - Huh.

All he consumes are lentils and radishes.

No, Janet. He also consumes...

his own waste.

So. Everything's fine.

How do you play pool again? What are the rules?

That's one of the best things about pool, dawg! There are no rules.

I am 100% sure there are.

Me and my friends play a special Jacksonville style of pool.

It's called "Special Jacksonville-style pool."

You hit whatever ball you want, but you use your hands.

And that's it.

OK, your turn. I got a thousand points.

Oh - that's the other rule. You make up your own points.

I got five million points.

Damn! How'd you get so good at this so fast?

So, in this whole other timeline, Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other.

But he doesn't remember any of that happened.

So, I guess my question is

when is the right time to tell someone you were passionate lovers

in an alternate timeline in the afterlife, but he doesn't remember

because technically none of that "happened" in this strand of the multi-verse?

You know what?

I'll just check with Yahoo answers, I'm sure someone's weighed in.

No, no. I'm flattered you would seek my advice

though I suppose it makes sense.

I'm sure the one constant in all the reboots

was that you and I were best friends.

Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hm.

Look, I don't think you would want Chidi to know

what happened in the past

unless you wanted it to happen again in the present.

You can't know how Chidi will react.

It may be painful, but it's never a bad idea to tell someone how you feel.

Thanks, Tahani.

You give really good advice.

And you made a really hot centaur.

Sorry?

So, these are some of my 71 adopted dogs and wolves.

You've rescued every stray animal that's ever wandered onto your property?

Oh, yes, ma'am! I've been mauled several times.

Uh, this little guy here...

might look innocent, but, boy, he goes right for the squeaker

if you know what I mean.

Oh, this is fun. You get to meet Raymond. Hi, Raymond!

Hi, dumdum. Who are these two hosers?

Don't worry about Raymond, he's just a local sociopath

who comes by my house to take advantage of me.

I've got your laundry all folded and ready for you.

For whatever reason, this loser does whatever you tell him to do - watch.

Hey, give that guy your shoe!

Would that make you happy?

- Very happy. - Oh...

- Now, give him your shoe. - Oh, that's OK, Doug.

Don't... I don't need your shoe. Please don't give me your shoe.

OK, well, then give me your shoe or I'll be sad.

There you are.

Well, as long as he's happy.

See, if I make him happy, I get the points. That's how the system works, remember?

Go get your shoe, idiot!

Be right back.

Ow.

Oh, that's a bleeder.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Michael, face facts. Doug is not the "blueprint" of how to live a good life.

He's become a happiness pump.

What?

Remember, from Chidi's lessons?

I remember the term "happiness pump".

That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.

It's a criticism of utilitarianism.

A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximising

the overall good, at his or her expense.

Doug will do literally anything to make other people happy

even if it makes him miserable.

Oh, I don't think he's miserable.

So, everyone happy and contented in here?

- What's... - Oh.

I volunteer to test cosmetics for a local company

so they don't have to test on animals.

- It's fun! - Ah.

For the animals who don't have to do it.

For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire!

Uh, what can I do for you now?

Would you like to move in permanently or would either of you like any more water

- or one of my kidneys? - You know what?

We have absolutely everything we need.

Thank you. Uh, we're gonna head out now.

OK, well, it was so nice to meet you, Janet, and you, Mark.

- I mean, Michael. - Huh.

I called you Mark.

- Your name is Michael. - No, no, that's OK.

Hey, hey, stay with me here, buddy.

No, no, no, no, this is very bad.

Forgetting someone's name, that's definitely lost me some points.

Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished my name was Mark.

Lie!

- That's a lie. - Oh...

Now I'm accusing you of lying! And now I'm yelling.

Why am I yelling?

I need to make this up. I'm gonna give you a really nice haircut!

- Was that...? - The snail? Yeah.

Yeah, that was a snai... ooh.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I think he's still alive.

Do either of you know anything about snail first-aid?

- No. - Yes. I mean "no."

Alright, Michael, I need you to find some scotch tape

while I apply pressure.

Too much pressure! I'm gonna need that tape!

Oh! What?

Jacksonville style, baby! 30 million... points?

Nice one, homie!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Well, I either know exactly what I'm doing, and it's something

or we're doing nothing, and I'm winning!

Congrats. Um, can I talk to you for a second?

OK, uh, a few days ago

Michael showed me something.

And I don't know exactly how to say this, but...

you and I are...

Bambadjan?

You know, I never thought about it before, but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.

No, you jet-lagged doof.

Bambadjan is the name of a demon from the Bad Place

who is somehow right over there.

Come with me.

Right now.

Hey, guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool, so we need to get out of here immediately

because this bar is full of demons.

Eleanor, just because these people are wearing cheap leather

and stonewashed denim, they're still part of the Queen's realm.

Calling them "demons" is a bit much.

No, no, no, no, no, actual demons, like, from the Bad Place.

OK, Chidi and I are gonna go out the side door.

You and Tahani go out the back.

Or we do this the old-fashioned way.

- How did you make that so fast? - Bortle...

Mm... Mm...

Hello, idiots. Surprised to see me?

Right, you don't remember.

I'm Shawn. You are very scared of me.

Now, where's Michael?

We are here to celebrate the life

of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore, the snail.

I named him-her that posthumously, because I imagine him-her

to be the greatest and most talented snail ever to have lived.

Michael, would you care to say a few words?

Oh, you're serious. Yes, um, OK.

Martin was a lot of things...

a snail, mostly

but also a friend.

Martin taught us about life, about love

and about... the limits of scotch tape.

Goodbye, Martin. Happy, slimy trails, old friend.

I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away.

I've decided to make a donation to the Canadian Mollusc Association

in Martin's honour.

Their office is in Edmonton, so it will take me...

about three weeks to walk there and back.

So, take care.

OK, look out, little fellas.

Heads up.

- Here comes a shoe. - Say, Doug... look.

Do you mind if we ask you just a few more questions?

What you're doing here, how you're living your life

- it's just so wonderful. - Mm.

But can I maybe give you just a little advice?

I know I should donate more blood.

I'll try, but the last time I went down there they said I was so anaemic

they ended up giving me blood.

No, look, look. Um...

I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug. Met all sorts of people.

Travelled all over this crazy blue marble, meetin' regular folks.

Every face tells a story, Doug.

Why, I'd say that those so-called "regular" folks often turn out to be

not so regular after all.

- Michael. - Sorry.

The point is, I have never met anyone so dedicated

to making other people and... and snails, happy.

- Huh! - If what you're saying is true

about the afterlife, then you must've earned more than enough points by now.

So, loosen up, bud, you know?

Have a little fun. Eat something besides lentils!

- Like radishes? - No, no, Doug, damn it.

You know, just have ice cream, or chicken parm...

Live your life, you know.

Travel. Drink regular water that wasn't inside you.

OK, just relax.

- Thank you, Michael. - Mm.

But, no, I can't do any of those things.

- Why not? - Because I can't risk it.

There's an Accountant, out there somewhere, measuring the value of everything I do.

What if I "relax," and do something that loses me just enough points

to keep me out of the Good Place, and I'm tortured for eternity?

No, I... I have to make every moment count.

It's the only rational way to live.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to walk to Edmonton

to give $85 to a snail charity.

Why don't you just take us to the Bad Place already, dude?

Because I wanna see the look on Michael's face when he realises he failed.

I love seeing the look on people's faces.

It's the best part of my job.

Dude, Michael's not coming here.

Face it, man, you are outmatched

because Michael and Janet are brilliant

and savvy, and they've been ten steps ahead of you this whole time.

We can sit here as long as you want

but you will never, ever, ever...

see Michael or Janet agai...

Yikes, that was rough! Total bust.

Ugh! Doug is a complete disaster.

And I drank his piss.

Hello, Michael.

See? See the look on his face?

So great.

Hello, Shawn. Other demons. What are you all doing down here?

What do you think we're doing, you haemorrhoid?

We're ending this charade, once and for all.

These four humans are the legal property of the Bad Place.

That's where we're taking them.

And you.

If you want them, you're gonna have to go through me.

That's the idea.

Well, it's a bad idea.

Oh, Michael. When will you ever learn...

Screw this! Let's fight!

Get somewhere safe, you guys!

Bad news!

I've been going to the gym a lot!

- Oh, no! - Chidi!

What is happening?

I don't know!

No! Let him go!

Oh!

Let him go!

Twelve years of fencing. En garde!

Obviously, I'd never do that in a competition.

That'd be a three-tenths deduction!

No, no! Watch out! Watch out!

I've never marbleised a Janet before!

Jacksonville Style, baby! 2,000 points!

Thanks, Jason.

Janet! Door!

Ha!

Yes!

Ha-ha!

Three hundred points! Best score ever!

Is it just me or is Janet a straight-up hottie right now?

How are you this close to being dragged to hell

- and still horny? - I don't know.

And how did you know they were demons?

Ugh, I can't tell you that now!

Screw it, what am I waiting for? We could die in the next 30 seconds.

So, Michael showed me a memory of our time in the Good Place

and you and I were, like... a thing...

- and... - Ha! Gotcha!

Not like a casual

"Hey, I found two loose pills in the bottom of my tote

let's pop 'em and see what's good" kinda thing.

We were in love.

And there's a real possibility that I'm in love with you, again

here, on this plane of existence

uh, today, now... in Canada...

during this brawl... with demons.

Whoa!

Let's get her to the door!

No, no!

Oh, cool...

when I'm even partway through the door to the afterlife, my powers come back!

They do?

They do. Thanks for asking!

You're coming with me!

Hi there.

We did it!

- Oh... um... - Well, no, no, no, of course.

Of course, Janet did it, yes. But I had the, uh...

Thank you, Janet.

How did you get down here?

We have the only key to the door to Earth.

- We built our own door. - That's impossible.

"That's impossible, eh!" Ugh, you're such a dweeb.

Why can't you leave us alone?

You don't have enough nostrils to stuff with wasps?

I don't want just any wasp-nostrils. I want these wasp-nostrils.

You're just delaying the inevitable, Michael.

The Bad Place is going to get all of them eventually.

These four, their loved ones

even your precious pee-pee king Doug Forcett.

Now, why would you think that?

Just a hunch.

And do you want to know what else I had a hunch about?

No.

I mean, why let the guy keep saying mean stuff, right?

I thought Doug Forcett was the "blueprint" for leading a good life?

He seems pretty confident that Doug is heading to the Bad Place.

For a while now, I have felt like there was something wrong

with how the points system was evaluating humans.

At first, I thought it was that the system didn't allow

for the possibility that people could improve.

That's why I convinced the Judge to send you back to Earth

so you could confront the ways you were living.

But now, I'm worried that the problems with the system might be much more serious.

We need to gather some real evidence.

Uh, sorry, no, no, uh... Michael, you're confused.

Evidence isn't a good thing that you want.

It's a bad thing that you have to destroy, or you go to jail.

Jason, quick. I-I need that coaster over there behind the pillar.

You got it, boss!

I... I just needed a... a 30-second break.

Yeah.

What sort of evidence is this and how do we get it?

Janet and I have to go right to the source

of the points themselves, the Accountant's office.

Four of you, stay here at Doug Forcett's house until I get back.

You're gonna need to feed all the dogs and the wolves

and if a teenager shows up on a dirt-bike

just do as he says, he's very scary.

Michael, Michael, Michael!

I forgot what you asked me to get.

That's OK, bud. Thanks anyway.

Look, we won't be long

and you guys should be safe here.

Actually, scratch that.

We're all screwed because a bunch more demons just showed up.

- Oh! - There's too many of 'em.

- What do we do? - I have an idea.

I think I can take you into my void.

Cool, that sounds fun, let's go into a void!

OK, let's go.

But just to be clear, I don't know if you'll survive in my void

but either way, all of you will definitely die on Earth when I do this

so look around and say goodbye!

Goodbye, Earth! Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...