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♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... ♪
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♪ Did you ever lie
and listen to the rainfall ♪
3
00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:39,738
♪ Did you ever own
a homemade apple pie? ♪
4
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:45,290
♪ Did you ever watch a child
while he was praying? ♪
5
00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:50,582
♪ Just don't let the good life
pass you by ♪
6
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,584
♪ Did you ever hold a hand ♪
7
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♪ To stop its trem... ♪
8
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- Hello!
- Hello.
9
00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:01,301
Hope we have the right house.
I'm looking for a Doug Forcett?
10
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:02,764
I'm Doug Forcett.
11
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,060
Wow! Oh, yes... yes, you are.
12
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,400
Sorry, um...
13
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,852
I'm a reporter
for the Calgary Times Examiner.
14
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,689
- Oh.
- My name is, uh, Michael Scoop.
15
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:17,279
- Mm-hm?
- This is my photographer, Janet... Scoop.
16
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,823
- She's my sister. We're the Scoops.
- Oh, boy.
17
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:23,911
Some... some people in town are saying
you live a pretty interesting life out here
18
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,417
growing your own food,
completely off the grid...
19
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,960
- Mm.
- We would love to do
20
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,834
a human-interest story about you
for the paper.
21
00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:31,882
What do you say?
22
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,590
O-OK, let me think...
23
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:37,712
Well, first off, I'm so flattered
that you'd want to do a whole news story
24
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,889
just about me, that's so nice!
25
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,050
Heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family.
26
00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:46,187
Can I ask, is your newspaper printed
on recycled paper?
27
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,390
Yes. Yeah, no, very recycled. The most.
28
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,399
Alright then, come on in!
29
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,190
Great! Great. Uh, hey, you know,
before we forget
30
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,814
can Janet take a photo of you for the paper?
31
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:57,274
Oh...
32
00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,901
OK, can you look up a little,
and to the right?
33
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,496
Smile, but only with your mouth
and not your eyes?
34
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:04,951
Perfect.
35
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,039
It was 1972.
36
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:16,296
Uh, my friend Randy and I ate
some magic mushrooms.
37
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,595
Randy asked me,
"What do you think happens when you die?"
38
00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:24,260
And I saw, with perfect clarity,
how the afterlife works.
39
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:28,263
Immediately, I knew I had to live
a perfect life.
40
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:30,439
Well, not immediately.
41
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,017
The next day,
all I could do was watch kung fu movies
42
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:35,608
and stroke a blanket
that I thought was my cat.
43
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,569
But soon after, I designed a life
44
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:42,907
that would maximize my point total
and help me get into the Good Place
45
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,862
- and I've been living it ever since.
- Mm.
46
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:48,659
- I know this sounds crazy.
- No! No, actually, it makes...
47
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,618
- it makes perfect sense.
- Oh!
48
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,584
Oh, boy, you've been sitting here
for ten minutes
49
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,675
and I haven't offered you anything
to eat or drink.
50
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,550
- Oh...
- Would you like some water?
51
00:02:58,845 --> 00:02:59,961
Or fresh radishes?
52
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:01,386
Water'd be great.
53
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:06,221
Janet! How cool is he?
54
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,018
You know, for a celebrity
55
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:12,896
he's amazingly down-to-earth.
Stars, they really are just like us.
56
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:17,270
He's so thoughtful with his actions.
Thank goodness he had that hallucination.
57
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,649
He could've had the one Randy had,
where everything was made of ears.
58
00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:23,614
- Way less helpful.
- We have to learn everything we can
59
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,863
about what makes him tick
so we can use it to help others.
60
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,661
He is the blueprint, Janet.
61
00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:32,456
He figured it all out.
62
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:34,624
Here we go - two waters.
63
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,520
Let me know if you're not happy with them.
64
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:40,343
I have ice cubes if it's too warm,
and a Koozie if it's too cold.
65
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:46,015
Oh...
Boy, that has an interesting aftertaste.
66
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,266
Is that from a nearby river?
67
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:50,766
Oh, no. Why take fresh water away
from the beavers and the fish?
68
00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:53,564
- Ah...
- No, I have my composting toilet
69
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,520
hooked up to a water filtration system.
70
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,648
One man's waste is another man's water.
71
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,321
- Mm.
- And both men are me!
72
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:02,908
Hm, hm.
73
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,327
I'm pretty excited to relax
and have a drink.
74
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:09,534
I mean, saving souls feels great,
but Sydney to Budapest
75
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,745
to Phoenix to Calgary...
76
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,168
I'm so jet-lagged,
I can't even "regrender" my "chorf."
77
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,922
Don't even know what I was trying to say.
78
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:20,924
You need to get your blood flowing.
There's a pool table over there.
79
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:23,128
- Wanna play?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
80
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,180
Let's do it.
81
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,468
Tahani, can I ask your advice
about something?
82
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,162
Is it about your grating speaking voice?
83
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,106
I'm so glad you finally brought it up,
because honestly
84
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:38,026
- with a few elocution lessons...
- No, I want to ask you about Chidi.
85
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,318
What's wrong with my voice?
86
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,442
Nothing! It's lovely!
87
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:43,905
Tell me about Chidi!
88
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,986
So, it must get lonely up here
all by yourself without anyone to talk to?
89
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:51,785
Oh, I've got lots of friends.
There's this little guy, for example.
90
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,166
Yeah, it's a snail.
91
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,373
Hi, snail! I don't name them
92
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,458
in case they already have
a name they prefer.
93
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,921
- Huh.
- So, this is an organic garden?
94
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,422
Yeah. Everything I eat, I grow myself.
95
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,263
The radish patch was actually here
when I moved in.
96
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,885
I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.
97
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,179
- Mean... to the radishes?
- Mm.
98
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,729
I also grow lentils,
because they require very little water
99
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,018
- and have the smallest carbon footprint.
- Huh.
100
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:20,022
All he consumes are lentils and radishes.
101
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,194
No, Janet. He also consumes...
102
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,567
his own waste.
103
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,322
So. Everything's fine.
104
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,155
How do you play pool again?
What are the rules?
105
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:32,114
That's one of the best things about pool,
dawg! There are no rules.
106
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,823
I am 100% sure there are.
107
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,622
Me and my friends play a special
Jacksonville style of pool.
108
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,874
It's called
"Special Jacksonville-style pool."
109
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,256
You hit whatever ball you want,
but you use your hands.
110
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,091
And that's it.
111
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,339
OK, your turn. I got a thousand points.
112
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,841
Oh - that's the other rule.
You make up your own points.
113
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:54,976
I got five million points.
114
00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,771
Damn! How'd you get so good at this so fast?
115
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:04,187
So, in this whole other timeline,
Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other.
116
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:07,566
But he doesn't remember
any of that happened.
117
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,280
So, I guess my question is
118
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:13,322
when is the right time to tell someone
you were passionate lovers
119
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:16,203
in an alternate timeline in the afterlife,
but he doesn't remember
120
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:20,037
because technically none of that "happened"
in this strand of the multi-verse?
121
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:21,667
You know what?
122
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,026
I'll just check with Yahoo answers,
I'm sure someone's weighed in.
123
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,918
No, no.
I'm flattered you would seek my advice
124
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,762
though I suppose it makes sense.
125
00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,135
I'm sure the one constant
in all the reboots
126
00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,845
was that you and I were best friends.
127
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,635
Uh-huh. Yep. Mm-hm.
128
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:39,430
Look, I don't think you would want
Chidi to know
129
00:06:39,524 --> 00:06:41,015
what happened in the past
130
00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,810
unless you wanted it to happen again
in the present.
131
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,272
You can't know how Chidi will react.
132
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:52,281
It may be painful, but it's never a bad idea
to tell someone how you feel.
133
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,324
Thanks, Tahani.
134
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,825
You give really good advice.
135
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,365
And you made a really hot centaur.
136
00:06:58,960 --> 00:06:59,960
Sorry?
137
00:07:00,295 --> 00:07:04,289
So, these are some of my 71
adopted dogs and wolves.
138
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:08,133
You've rescued every stray animal
that's ever wandered onto your property?
139
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:11,046
Oh, yes, ma'am!
I've been mauled several times.
140
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,380
Uh, this little guy here...
141
00:07:13,475 --> 00:07:15,888
might look innocent, but, boy,
he goes right for the squeaker
142
00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,622
if you know what I mean.
143
00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,354
Oh, this is fun. You get to meet Raymond.
Hi, Raymond!
144
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,352
Hi, dumdum.
Who are these two hosers?
145
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,480
Don't worry about Raymond,
he's just a local sociopath
146
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,778
who comes by my house
to take advantage of me.
147
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,773
I've got your laundry all folded
and ready for you.
148
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,823
For whatever reason, this loser
does whatever you tell him to do - watch.
149
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,073
Hey, give that guy your shoe!
150
00:07:36,998 --> 00:07:38,284
Would that make you happy?
151
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,619
- Very happy.
- Oh...
152
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,871
- Now, give him your shoe.
- Oh, that's OK, Doug.
153
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,523
Don't... I don't need your shoe.
Please don't give me your shoe.
154
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:46,797
OK, well, then give me your shoe
or I'll be sad.
155
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,009
There you are.
156
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,046
Well, as long as he's happy.
157
00:07:53,348 --> 00:07:56,841
See, if I make him happy, I get the points.
That's how the system works, remember?
158
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,471
Go get your shoe, idiot!
159
00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,060
Be right back.
160
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,146
Ow.
161
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,392
Oh, that's a bleeder.
162
00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:04,018
- Oh.
- Yeah.
163
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:09,737
Michael, face facts. Doug is not
the "blueprint" of how to live a good life.
164
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,359
He's become a happiness pump.
165
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,449
What?
166
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,691
Remember, from Chidi's lessons?
167
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,450
I remember the term "happiness pump".
168
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:19,622
That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason
made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.
169
00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,957
It's a criticism of utilitarianism.
170
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:25,336
A happiness pump is someone
who is obsessed with maximising
171
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,379
the overall good, at his or her expense.
172
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:31,258
Doug will do literally anything
to make other people happy
173
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,801
even if it makes him miserable.
174
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,883
Oh, I don't think he's miserable.
175
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,424
So, everyone happy and contented in here?
176
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:39,933
- What's...
- Oh.
177
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,804
I volunteer to test cosmetics
for a local company
178
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,479
so they don't have to test on animals.
179
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,649
- It's fun!
- Ah.
180
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,399
For the animals who don't have to do it.
181
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,981
For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire!
182
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,691
Uh, what can I do for you now?
183
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:55,279
Would you like to move in permanently
or would either of you like any more water
184
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,950
- or one of my kidneys?
- You know what?
185
00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,694
We have absolutely everything we need.
186
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,575
Thank you. Uh, we're gonna head out now.
187
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,954
OK, well, it was so nice to meet you, Janet,
and you, Mark.
188
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,085
- I mean, Michael.
- Huh.
189
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,663
I called you Mark.
190
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,752
- Your name is Michael.
- No, no, that's OK.
191
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,424
Hey, hey, stay with me here, buddy.
192
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,342
No, no, no, no, this is very bad.
193
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:17,304
Forgetting someone's name,
that's definitely lost me some points.
194
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:20,303
Hey, you know, I've always secretly wished
my name was Mark.
195
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:21,929
Lie!
196
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,136
- That's a lie.
- Oh...
197
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:25,812
Now I'm accusing you of lying!
And now I'm yelling.
198
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:26,980
Why am I yelling?
199
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:30,564
I need to make this up.
I'm gonna give you a really nice haircut!
200
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:34,981
- Was that...?
- The snail? Yeah.
201
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,635
Yeah, that was a snai... ooh.
202
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,776
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
203
00:09:39,204 --> 00:09:40,320
I think he's still alive.
204
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,618
Do either of you know anything
about snail first-aid?
205
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,199
- No.
- Yes. I mean "no."
206
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,577
Alright, Michael,
I need you to find some scotch tape
207
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,120
while I apply pressure.
208
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,464
Too much pressure!
I'm gonna need that tape!
209
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:55,671
Oh! What?
210
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:59,722
Jacksonville style, baby!
30 million... points?
211
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:00,891
Nice one, homie!
212
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:02,599
Hey, what are you guys doing?
213
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:06,095
Well, I either know exactly what I'm doing,
and it's something
214
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,104
or we're doing nothing, and I'm winning!
215
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,854
Congrats. Um, can I talk to you
for a second?
216
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,561
OK, uh, a few days ago
217
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,067
Michael showed me something.
218
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:20,284
And I don't know exactly
how to say this, but...
219
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,702
you and I are...
220
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:26,416
Bambadjan?
221
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,899
You know, I never thought about it before,
but yeah, we are kinda Bambadjan.
222
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,585
No, you jet-lagged doof.
223
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:37,381
Bambadjan is the name of a demon
from the Bad Place
224
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,883
who is somehow right over there.
225
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,435
Come with me.
226
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:46,769
Right now.
227
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,376
Hey, guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool,
so we need to get out of here immediately
228
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,811
because this bar is full of demons.
229
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:54,130
Eleanor, just because these people
are wearing cheap leather
230
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,132
and stonewashed denim,
they're still part of the Queen's realm.
231
00:10:56,156 --> 00:10:57,692
Calling them "demons" is a bit much.
232
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,695
No, no, no, no, no, actual demons,
like, from the Bad Place.
233
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,867
OK, Chidi and I
are gonna go out the side door.
234
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,194
You and Tahani go out the back.
235
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,517
Or we do this the old-fashioned way.
236
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,658
- How did you make that so fast?
- Bortle...
237
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,870
Mm... Mm...
238
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:17,500
Hello, idiots. Surprised to see me?
239
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,174
Right, you don't remember.
240
00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:24,090
I'm Shawn. You are very scared of me.
241
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,634
Now, where's Michael?
242
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,206
We are here to celebrate the life
243
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:32,064
of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore,
the snail.
244
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:37,270
I named him-her that posthumously,
because I imagine him-her
245
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:41,653
to be the greatest and most talented snail
ever to have lived.
246
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,361
Michael, would you care to say a few words?
247
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,958
Oh, you're serious. Yes, um, OK.
248
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,082
Martin was a lot of things...
249
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,414
a snail, mostly
250
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,999
but also a friend.
251
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,845
Martin taught us about life, about love
252
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,509
and about... the limits of scotch tape.
253
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,846
Goodbye, Martin.
Happy, slimy trails, old friend.
254
00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,270
I'm sorry, I've got to leave right away.
255
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:19,816
I've decided to make a donation
to the Canadian Mollusc Association
256
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,314
in Martin's honour.
257
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,199
Their office is in Edmonton,
so it will take me...
258
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,989
about three weeks
to walk there and back.
259
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:28,616
So, take care.
260
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,197
OK, look out, little fellas.
261
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:31,706
Heads up.
262
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,247
- Here comes a shoe.
- Say, Doug... look.
263
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,871
Do you mind if we ask you
just a few more questions?
264
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:40,336
What you're doing here,
how you're living your life
265
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,255
- it's just so wonderful.
- Mm.
266
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:44,419
But can I maybe give you
just a little advice?
267
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:46,551
I know I should donate more blood.
268
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:50,517
I'll try, but the last time I went down there
they said I was so anaemic
269
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,102
they ended up giving me blood.
270
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,679
No, look, look. Um...
271
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:59,398
I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug.
Met all sorts of people.
272
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:06,242
Travelled all over this crazy blue marble,
meetin' regular folks.
273
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,657
Every face tells a story, Doug.
274
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,409
Why, I'd say that those so-called
"regular" folks often turn out to be
275
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,118
not so regular after all.
276
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,457
- Michael.
- Sorry.
277
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:21,461
The point is,
I have never met anyone so dedicated
278
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:25,386
to making other people and...
and snails, happy.
279
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,508
- Huh!
- If what you're saying is true
280
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:31,933
about the afterlife, then you must've earned
more than enough points by now.
281
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,436
So, loosen up, bud, you know?
282
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,856
Have a little fun.
Eat something besides lentils!
283
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:40,442
- Like radishes?
- No, no, Doug, damn it.
284
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,691
You know, just have ice cream,
or chicken parm...
285
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,276
Live your life, you know.
286
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:49,155
Travel. Drink regular water
that wasn't inside you.
287
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,612
OK, just relax.
288
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,661
- Thank you, Michael.
- Mm.
289
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,789
But, no, I can't do any of those things.
290
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,621
- Why not?
- Because I can't risk it.
291
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:07,132
There's an Accountant, out there somewhere,
measuring the value of everything I do.
292
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:12,387
What if I "relax," and do something
that loses me just enough points
293
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:16,266
to keep me out of the Good Place,
and I'm tortured for eternity?
294
00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,598
No, I... I have to make every moment count.
295
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,021
It's the only rational way to live.
296
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:25,563
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to walk to Edmonton
297
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:28,444
to give $85 to a snail charity.
298
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,366
Why don't you just take us
to the Bad Place already, dude?
299
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,352
Because I wanna see the look
on Michael's face when he realises he failed.
300
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,288
I love seeing the look on people's faces.
301
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,744
It's the best part of my job.
302
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,171
Dude, Michael's not coming here.
303
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,505
Face it, man, you are outmatched
304
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,001
because Michael and Janet are brilliant
305
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:50,637
and savvy, and they've been ten steps
ahead of you this whole time.
306
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,631
We can sit here as long as you want
307
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,222
but you will never, ever, ever...
308
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:58,892
see Michael or Janet agai...
309
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,432
Yikes, that was rough! Total bust.
310
00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,564
Ugh! Doug is a complete disaster.
311
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,402
And I drank his piss.
312
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:08,818
Hello, Michael.
313
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,864
See? See the look on his face?
314
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,287
So great.
315
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:21,085
Hello, Shawn. Other demons.
What are you all doing down here?
316
00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:23,052
What do you think we're doing,
you haemorrhoid?
317
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,963
We're ending this charade, once and for all.
318
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,833
These four humans are the legal property
of the Bad Place.
319
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,209
That's where we're taking them.
320
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:31,805
And you.
321
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,468
If you want them,
you're gonna have to go through me.
322
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:35,800
That's the idea.
323
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,722
Well, it's a bad idea.
324
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,099
Oh, Michael. When will you ever learn...
325
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,434
Screw this! Let's fight!
326
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,402
Get somewhere safe, you guys!
327
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:49,696
Bad news!
328
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,115
I've been going to the gym a lot!
329
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:53,743
- Oh, no!
- Chidi!
330
00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,578
What is happening?
331
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,197
I don't know!
332
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,240
No! Let him go!
333
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,327
Oh!
334
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:06,965
Let him go!
335
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,124
Twelve years of fencing. En garde!
336
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,504
Obviously,
I'd never do that in a competition.
337
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,966
That'd be a three-tenths deduction!
338
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,263
No, no! Watch out!
Watch out!
339
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,274
I've never marbleised
a Janet before!
340
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,817
Jacksonville Style, baby!
2,000 points!
341
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,161
Thanks, Jason.
342
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,788
Janet! Door!
343
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,294
Ha!
344
00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,967
Yes!
345
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,310
Ha-ha!
346
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,813
Three hundred points! Best score ever!
347
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,858
Is it just me or is Janet
a straight-up hottie right now?
348
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,194
How are you this close to being
dragged to hell
349
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:19,778
- and still horny?
- I don't know.
350
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,032
And how did you know they were demons?
351
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:24,374
Ugh, I can't tell you that now!
352
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:27,703
Screw it, what am I waiting for?
We could die in the next 30 seconds.
353
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:31,545
So, Michael showed me a memory
of our time in the Good Place
354
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,510
and you and I were, like... a thing...
355
00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:36,879
- and...
- Ha! Gotcha!
356
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,256
Not like a casual
357
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,370
"Hey, I found two loose pills
in the bottom of my tote
358
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,163
let's pop 'em and see what's good"
kinda thing.
359
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,769
We were in love.
360
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,850
And there's a real possibility that
I'm in love with you, again
361
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:51,902
here, on this plane of existence
362
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,692
uh, today, now... in Canada...
363
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,650
during this brawl... with demons.
364
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,494
Whoa!
365
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,312
Let's get her to the door!
366
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,125
No, no!
367
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:10,211
Oh, cool...
368
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:13,624
when I'm even partway through the door
to the afterlife, my powers come back!
369
00:18:13,676 --> 00:18:14,676
They do?
370
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,050
They do. Thanks for asking!
371
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,473
You're coming with me!
372
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,274
Hi there.
373
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:44,863
We did it!
374
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:47,499
- Oh... um...
- Well, no, no, no, of course.
375
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,119
Of course, Janet did it, yes.
But I had the, uh...
376
00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:52,917
Thank you, Janet.
377
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:57,713
How did you get down here?
378
00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,136
We have the only key to the door to Earth.
379
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,764
- We built our own door.
- That's impossible.
380
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:05,718
"That's impossible, eh!"
Ugh, you're such a dweeb.
381
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,344
Why can't you leave us alone?
382
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:10,055
You don't have enough nostrils
to stuff with wasps?
383
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,893
I don't want just any wasp-nostrils.
I want these wasp-nostrils.
384
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,287
You're just delaying
the inevitable, Michael.
385
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,651
The Bad Place is going to get all
of them eventually.
386
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,986
These four, their loved ones
387
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,656
even your precious
pee-pee king Doug Forcett.
388
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,578
Now, why would you think that?
389
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:26,906
Just a hunch.
390
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,783
And do you want to know
what else I had a hunch about?
391
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,209
No.
392
00:19:33,464 --> 00:19:36,332
I mean, why let the guy
keep saying mean stuff, right?
393
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:39,839
I thought Doug Forcett was the "blueprint"
for leading a good life?
394
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,093
He seems pretty confident that Doug
is heading to the Bad Place.
395
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:48,848
For a while now, I have felt like
there was something wrong
396
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,772
with how the points system
was evaluating humans.
397
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,858
At first, I thought it was that
the system didn't allow
398
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,106
for the possibility that people
could improve.
399
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,610
That's why I convinced the Judge
to send you back to Earth
400
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,692
so you could confront the ways
you were living.
401
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:08,531
But now, I'm worried that the problems
with the system might be much more serious.
402
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,034
We need to gather some real evidence.
403
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,420
Uh, sorry, no, no, uh...
Michael, you're confused.
404
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,128
Evidence isn't a good thing that you want.
405
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:23,588
It's a bad thing that you have to destroy,
or you go to jail.
406
00:20:23,848 --> 00:20:27,341
Jason, quick. I-I need that coaster
over there behind the pillar.
407
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:28,682
You got it, boss!
408
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,012
I... I just needed a... a 30-second break.
409
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:33,148
Yeah.
410
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:35,043
What sort of evidence is this
and how do we get it?
411
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,400
Janet and I have to go right to the source
412
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,728
of the points themselves,
the Accountant's office.
413
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,357
Four of you, stay here at Doug Forcett's
house until I get back.
414
00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:46,443
You're gonna need to feed all the dogs
and the wolves
415
00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,370
and if a teenager shows up on a dirt-bike
416
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:51,540
just do as he says, he's very scary.
417
00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:52,916
Michael, Michael, Michael!
418
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:55,581
I forgot what you asked me to get.
419
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:57,412
That's OK, bud. Thanks anyway.
420
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,129
Look, we won't be long
421
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:01,361
and you guys should be safe here.
422
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,385
Actually, scratch that.
423
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,365
We're all screwed because
a bunch more demons just showed up.
424
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:06,950
- Oh!
- There's too many of 'em.
425
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:08,681
- What do we do?
- I have an idea.
426
00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,222
I think I can take you into my void.
427
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,873
Cool, that sounds fun,
let's go into a void!
428
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:14,479
OK, let's go.
429
00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:17,687
But just to be clear,
I don't know if you'll survive in my void
430
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:20,690
but either way, all of you will
definitely die on Earth when I do this
431
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,007
so look around and say goodbye!
432
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:24,239
Goodbye, Earth!
Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...
32365
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