Original subtitles

This is daily notes log for attempt number three

of my Neighbourhood experiment.

Obviously, I hope and assume this will be the final version.

No, I know it will be.

All the kinks have been worked out. This is the one.

And after I pull this off, they're gonna hang my picture

in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy

who invented bees with teeth.

You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead.

Cool.

I'm Chris Baker.

I'm your soulmate. - Bring it in, man.

Sorry, I must ask, why are you wearing a sash

that says "best person" on it?

Apparently, I am the number one points-getter

in the entire Neighbourhood.

Is that so?

I always have to have my sashes custom-made

due to my height and bosom size.

Also, apparently, sashes are out this season.

The diagonal line really draws one's eye to the chin bloat.

Go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.

Run! Giraffes! Giraffes! Run!

Oh! Mean giraffes are destroying the Neighbourhood.

Gah! - Oh, boy.

Hey, robot slave lady?

Busty Alexa?

Oh, Janet?

- Hi, there. - Gah!

Still not used to it.

Uh, hey, what if I, an already amazing person

who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more

about how to be a good person?

Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach

or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye.

Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy

focusing on deontology.

Hang on one second, Chibi.

This guy's too big of a nerd.

Who else you got?

Michael, what do we do here? - I don't know.

Apparently, the Bad Place knows that one of you

actually belongs down there with them, and they want that person

to get inside the obelisk, or they're gonna take all of you.

I can't go. I'm too young to die

and too old to eat off the kids' menu.

What a stupid age I am.

I'd never survive down there.

They should take Eleanor. She's a pear shape.

She'd fit right in. - Oh, excuse me.

You wish you could have a bite of this pear.

I'll go. I deserve to go. You guys can stay.

Holy forking shirt.

You guys, don't you get it?

Michael is torturing us.

That's why our lives have been so miserable

since the moment we got here.

This isn't the Good Place. It's the Bad Place.

Ah, farts.

OK, attempt number 11.

Let's focus on the positives.

Eleanor always hates her house.

Tahani always hates Eleanor.

Jason hates being quiet.

Chidi immediately gets a stomach ache.

So there's a lot to work with here.

Hang on one second, Cheeto.

So it's gonna be a hard pass on Superdork Jones over there.

Anybody else you got to teach me?

You guys ready for our lesson?

We're talking David Hume today, bundle theory of the self, baby.

Sounds like a real banger, but you guys gotta scram.

My soulmate has some sort of surprise planned for me

and he seems very excited about it.

Well, you two are certainly getting along very well these days.

Yeah, I'm actually kind of into Sebastian lately.

I mean, he's a little hokey, but he's growing on me a little bit.

My love, my sweet dewdrop

I have written you a three-hour spoken-word jazz opera.

Cool! - ♪ Eleanor, less and more ♪

♪ Who's it for? ♪

♪ For you, my dewdrop cream of the crop ♪

♪ Top to the bop to the bop to the top ♪

OK, no, no. - What?

No version of heaven for anyone would ever include three hours of...

this.

We're in the Bad Place, aren't we?

Damn it.

That was a real trip for biscuits, and now we're all wet, Daddy-O.

I never even got to play my stupid triangle.

No, no, no, no Michael, please, please, please!

Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.

I'm sorry, Janet, got to reboot you every time I start over.

Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset.

It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time

you approach the plunger. Go ahead.

Ah. - Michael, you monster!

Attempt 32.

Attempt 57.

Attempt 99.

Attempt 108.

I've analysed some recent data.

Eleanor always seems to realise that they're in the Bad Place

- just at the moment that... - Excuse me.

Sorry, the door was open, so I just came in.

Did you just say I'm in the Bad Place?

Attempt 109.

I've closed and locked the door.

Yep, and we're ready to go.

This is your soulmate, Greg.

This is your soulmate, Glenn.

This is your soulmate, Tahani.

This is your soulmate, Lerf.

This is your soulmate, a golden retriever.

Hang on.

Wait a minute.

You know what?

Holy smokes.

This is the Bad Place.

This is the Bad Place!

This is the Bad Place.

This is the Bad Place. - The pig's getting angry.

This is the Bad Place! - Bees, bees, bees, bees!

Oh! Oh, this is the Bad Place. - Shh!

Michael, Michael, if I'm gone, who will take care of my birds?

Michael, no, no, no, no, no! I... I'm pregnant.

And it's your baby.

I have tickets to "Hamilton" next week, and there's a rumour

that Daveed Diggs is coming back.

Janet, we've been through this hundreds of times.

I mean, can you just chill out?

Is that possible, Janet?

Can you just chill out a little?

Nope, it's gonna be the same every time.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

No, no, no! No, Michael!

Please, please, calm down.

Calm down. Alright...

OK, calm down. Calm down.

I mean, why even bother at this point?

I'm obviously never gonna get it right.

"I'm Eleanor. I'm so smart."

"I'm actually in the Bad Place." Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Shawn still thinks I'm on version two.

I just keep lying to him, and it's really bad, but I...

I mean, I have to keep trying. I'm in too deep.

And I'm really fat right now.

I'm stress-eating, and I'm gaining weight in my thighs.

I mean, look at that...

Ugh.

So sorry. Who are you?

And where am I? - It doesn't matter.

This one doesn't even count.

Hang on one second, Chili.

This guy sucks. Who else you got?

I can hear you.

Michael, you simply cannot expect Chidi to decide whether Eleanor goes to the...

Yo, yo, homies, check it.

There's something messed up with this place.

We keep fighting with each other.

None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel.

My soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is.

I know this sounds crazy

but I think we're in the Bad Place.

Jason figured it out?

Jason? This is a real low point.

Yeah, this one hurts.

Ow.

OK, this might be the one.

We're a week in. Chidi's teaching Eleanor, but she hates it.

Tahani still thinks that Jason's a monk.

Everyone's miserable.

I'm so happy.

Fingers crossed.

Vicky, where is everyone?

They're not coming, Michael.

You have lost control of this experiment

so we are on strike until our demands are met.

I speak for the entire crew, Michael.

We're sick of it.

We can barely remember what we're supposed to be doing anymore, plus...

I spent weeks perfecting this excellent Australian accent

I did. And then I never got a chance to use it.

You're still upset about the size of your part?

Yes, I want a more important role.

But that's just my demand.

All 318 of us have something we want to do differently.

Some people want bigger houses.

Gayle wants a different backstory where she was an MMA fighter?

Gunnar wants to bite and/or nibble on humans while they sleep.

You do know, Vicky

that if I were to do some of these that it would be a dead giveaway?

And I can help you explain that to them.

But some of these are doable.

And you're gonna do 'em.

So Aristotle believes your character is voluntary, because, uh...

are you ignoring me right now?

It's day two of our ethics lessons, and you're already tuning out?

No, sorry, I just got distracted for a second.

The last thing I remember you saying is...

nothing.

Can you start from the beginning?

OK, I need a little break.

Can we take a walk or something, maybe get some clam chowder?

Where is everyone? - Who knows?

Maybe they finally figured out clam chowder is disgusting

cos it's basically a savoury latte with bugs in it.

Is someone smoking a cigar?

Michael really screwed this up.

The regular Bad Place was fine.

If the four-headed flying bears ain't broke, don't fix 'em.

What was wrong with impaling? I loved impaling.

Hey, Todd, got a light?

Uh, yeah, obviously I have a light.

You know, you guys aren't supposed to be smoking.

You're supposed to keep your human suit on.

Those suits are really itchy for us.

Who even cares if they see us?

They're just gonna get rebooted anyway.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

This is the Bad Place! I forking knew it!

And clam chowder is disgusting.

It's just hot ocean milk with dead animal croutons.

OK, but what do we do, panic, freak?

I usually panic, but I am happy to freak.

We have to stay cool. As my mum always used to say

if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack

there's always something you can gnaw through.

Your mum always said that?

Come on, brain.

- Janet! - Hi, there.

How can I help you? - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How do we know she's not a part of it? - We don't, but we gotta risk it.

Janet, can we, like, leave the Neighbourhood

get as far away as possible? Is there anywhere we can go?

So, we're in the Bad Place, and I know why. Almond milk.

I knew it was bad for the environment

but I loved the way it coated my tongue with a weird film.

Who else is being tortured? Are we the only two?

I got to assume Jason is as well, Jianyu.

You know him as Jianyu, but his real name is Jason

and he's a dirt bag from Florida.

What? - Also, Tahani is a candidate

as far as I'm concerned.

Yesterday, she told me that she was Taylor Swift's best friend

but Taylor Swift wasn't her best friend.

She sucks.

No offense, but I can't believe you and I ended up in the same place.

Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either, bud.

I always assumed the afterlife was full of cool people

not talking sweater vests.

- You... - We're here.

Aren't trains neat? Choo-choo!

Hi. You gotta help us.

I'm Eleanor. This is Chidi.

And see, we thought we were in the Good Place

but as it turns out... - Yeah, guys.

I know. You've been here 15 times already.

What?

Did you bring the cocaine I asked for?

Please tell me you somehow remembered this time.

Mama needs her medicine.

We've met before?

I'm Janet. - I know.

Vicky, let's look at the big picture here.

Now, if you all can just stick with my plan

and we pull it off, we'll be heroes.

You could write your own ticket.

You might even land the "Jared from Subway" account.

Yeah, but I don't think you can pull it off.

You can't even pull off those bow ties.

That was very mean, but I'm gonna move past that

in the name of unit cohesion.

You're gonna reboot those four dum-dums one more time

and then I'm taking over.

I'm going to execute my version of this Neighbourhood.

You see, I've been working on it while all of your versions fell apart.

This is insubordination.

And if you do not do what I tell you immediately

you are going down.

That's a complete report of every mistake you've made, every screw-up

every reboot all laid out in excruciating detail.

Now, I'm sure your boss would love to hear all about how

"attempt number 2" is really going.

So actually, if you don't do what I say

you're going down.

Down under.

Is it always the three of us?

It's always at least Eleanor and Janet.

Usually Chidi's in the mix.

Sometimes Jason is here.

One time, Jason and Tahani were here.

But you know what? No matter what the combo is

I always ask you guys to bring me cocaine next time, and you never do.

Do you have anything I can snort?

Like a crushed-up aspirin or some eye-shadow or...

cocaine? - Still no.

There's only one question we need to answer right now

and that is, what do we do next?

I mean, this place doesn't seem terrible.

Maybe we should just stay here forever. - "Maybe we should just stay here forever."

You always say that. And you always end up going back.

I mean, sometimes you go back because you feel bad

your friends don't know what you know.

Sometimes you go back because you walk in on me

while I'm masturbating and sometimes you go back

because I walk in on you while I'm masturbating.

But no matter what, you always go back.

You formulate a plan to defeat Michael, and you head back.

OK, a plan.

We need a plan, but...

What if we come up with a plan - "What if we come up with a plan"

we've already tried before? - "we've already tried before?"

Will you please stop that? - "Will you please stop that?"

Yeah, just to help you out a little, I've written down every plan

you've ever come up with, which obviously never worked

because you're here, and you're back, so good luck.

"Physically attack Michael. Seduce Michael."

"Make Michael think he's the one in the Bad Place."

"Catch that magic panda. Use her powers."

Oh, I'm guessing that was Jason.

That guy has no idea what's going on.

Hello? Hello. Where is everyone?

Janet? - Hey, there, Jason.

Oh, hey, homie.

Uh, I mean... Jason?

Who is Jason? I am a monk.

You know what?

Can I talk to you for a second?

I'm in a tight spot, and I could use someone

to bounce some ideas off of, OK?

Oh, yeah, real quick, you're really in the Bad Place

and you're being tortured.

What? - I know it says here that we already tried

throwing Tahani under the bus, but maybe we should revisit that.

Throw her a little bit harder. Maybe under a bigger bus.

What do you think? - I think this is pointless.

We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.

Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us!

Well, don't you see the problem?

We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes

because our memories keep getting erased.

It's an epistemological nightmare.

Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.

You... you are so mean, Eleanor.

You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.

And you are so irritating!

In one of these reboots, I probably strangled you

and then went to the Even Worse Place, but you know what? I bet it was worth it.

Oh, nice.

Ugh! Sorry, can I just vent to you for a second? Chidi is so annoying.

I just... I cannot believe that he is the one I'm stuck here with.

Uh-huh, wow, crazy.

Oh, sorry, Jeez, man, I thought you could be human for, like, two seconds

and listen to me. - I have, Eleanor.

I have listened to you talk about Chidi 15 times in 15 different ways.

Let me just cut to the chase.

You two, you got it bad for each other.

No, we don't. Chidi's just a friend.

What am I saying? He's not even a friend.

He's just a weird teacher that I hate.

Dude, I do not want to watch "Cannonball Run 2" right now.

Alright, what happened in the first one, so I'm all caught up?

I don't know what's gonna happen to us, but I need to tell you something.

I love you.

And you don't need to respond cos I know you have trouble saying

how you feel. - I love you too.

Very funny

but that... that's obviously not real.

Oh, that's real, baby.

That's real nasty.

Yeah, this was, like, the sixth time you guys were here.

I saw you getting sexy the previous three times

so I cut a little hole in the wall so I could tape you.

Call it my lookin' hole.

- Is that a camera? - Mindy, you pervert!

How many times have Chidi and I slept together?

Eight different days, but, like, 20 different sessions.

And how many times did we say... that stuff?

Oh, only once. Oh, God, I hated it.

It, like, really killed the vibe for me.

See, after I watch the porno I made starring you

I watch you talk about your feelings to cool down.

It's, like, anti-porn.

I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life -

Stone Cold Steve Austin

and a guy in a dark club

who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

I mean, why would you show me that? - I don't know.

You guys are, like, trapped here together. I feel bad.

You know, I'm rooting for you guys.

No, there is no "us guys." We basically just met each other.

No, Eleanor.

You guys have known each other a really long time.

Also, it doesn't matter if I told you that or not

because when Michael finds out he's failed again, he'll just reboot you.

Chidi, Janet, we're leaving.

I am taking this with me.

"Oh, no, it's my only copy." Don't...

How did it come to this?

I was just trying to do something innovative and different

that would improve the way

we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.

Mm, well... - Shut up.

What are my options? Do I have any?

I mean, I can't go along with her plan. It'll be a spectacular failure.

But I can't ignore her or she'll rat me out to Shawn.

I'm trapped. - You're saying a lot of words right now

and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason"

but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

I know everything that happened in your life

and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

I was a member of a 60-person dance crew in Jacksonville.

We were called "Dance Dance Resolution: We Resolve To Dance."

One day, Donkey Doug and I got into a fight

because I'd framed his girlfriend for boogie board theft

so he started a new dance crew called "Hashtag DougLife"

and immediately challenged us to a dance-off.

He said, "Meet us inside the abandoned orange juice factory at midnight."

That night, as the clock struck 12:00, me and my crew came together

with a determination we had never shown before

and slashed all their tyres.

It was dope.

The end.

By Jason Mendoza.

You know, that inane story actually contains a bit of good advice.

Thank you, Jason. - You got it, homie.

I give good advice! Guess that's why I'm in the Good Place.

Oh, there you guys are. - No.

Stop, no more lies.

Jason, get over here.

That's right. We know his name is Jason, not Jianyu.

We know everything.

I don't understand much of it, but, yeah, I know it.

Your sick torture plan is not working, OK?

Cos we keep figuring out your little puzzle.

We're winning, which means you're losing.

So you have two choices here, buddy.

Keep failing over and over or realise we're actually

the ones with all the power here.

Yeah, no, uh...

We're on the same page. - What?

I want to team up with you guys.

What? Why? You do? What?

I'm in a bit of a bind, and I could use some back-up

or as Jason put it, um...

I need a new dance crew.

So, what do you say? New best friends?

Stop it...