All language subtitles for Plan.B.2024.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264 (SDH)

[electricity buzzing]

♪♪

♪ I'm a bad bitch
every day of the week ♪

♪ If I hop up on the mike,
they gonna play it on repeat♪

[bouncer]
I am sorry, sweetie.

Sorry, sweetie.
You are way too drunk.

[slurring]
But I don't want to go home!

I know you don't want to
go home, but it's time to go.

-I was having a great time!
-Good night!

...was having a good time!
Aah!

-Come on. Let's go.
-Come on?! Come on?!

-Thank you.
-Are you just hitting on me?

[bouncer] How you doing, folks?
Good to see you.

Oh, my God.
Did you guys see that?

He was hitting on me.

They don't even let you
smoke in there!

What the hell's that about?!

Oh, I'm on camera?!

[horn honking]

♪♪♪

[cat meows]

[sniffs] Whew! Cat Sajak!

Did you just buy yourself
a bowel movement?

Whew. Ooh, that is fresh!

Oh, my gosh.
How much did you eat?!

Do not remember
feeding you that much. Ugh!

[Piper groaning]

Oh. Hey.

Hey, Piper.

-Hey.
-What's going on?

Good. How are you?
How was your night?

Well, I mean,
my band played tonight.

-I invited you, too, but...
-Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It was -- It was great.
It was great.

We had, like, a cheese plate
in the green room.

Ooh, I love cheese.
That sounds so good right now.

-This is so good.
-Yeah. And --

-Yeah. Delish. Are you kidding?
-We had lots of people.

We had, like, probably 15-plus.
Something like that.

-Oh, my God. That's so cool.
-Yeah.

That's sick. I love cheese.

-Yeah.
-So, uh, so -- You --

Yeah. You look amazing tonight,
by the way.

You always look amazing.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

[Piper giggles]

Okay. I'm about to get real.

Do you want to come over?

-Sh--
-Yeah.

Yeah. To -- To your place?

I can't believe
I just asked you that!

You're my neighbor!
You're my neighbor!

But do you, though,
want to come over?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

[Piper moaning]

Oh, wow! This is a great room!

-Thank you.
-It's nice.

Shut the door. Shut the door!

-Oh, wait! I got it!
-Oh, I think you got it.

-Yeah.
-Whoo!

-[Piper moaning]
-Oh, yeah.

[Piper] No, no, no, no.
The hook's in the back.

The hook's in the back.
The hook's in the back!

-[thud]
-[Piper] Whoo!

Do you have a condom?

Yes. Yes, I think so.
I think so.

-Great, great.
-Got one. I mean, uh...

A-ha! Bingo!

I believe you.
You don't have to show it.

-[crinkling]
-[Evan] Aah!

Are you good? Can we go?

Just kind of -- yeah.
Just like -- Oh.

You might want to, like,
get on top of me, yeah.

Just, you know --
Climb on me like a jungle gym.

Can I touch your face?
Is that okay?

Yeah, that's --
Wait. Hold -- Oh. Okay.

-Back of hand.
-Oh. You smell so good.

-What is that?
-Just, um --

-Is that jasmine?
-Just my perfume.

It's just a cocktail
of flowers --

-My mouth's here.
-Mm.

My mouth's here.
Just come back.

Hold on. Let me just...
[whimpers]

Okay? Is that good?

Okay.
Would you please...

[both moaning]

[Piper sighs]

Whoa!

Yeah.

This feels so right.

♪♪♪

[groans]

Fuck.

[Evan groans]

[chuckles nervously]

-Mm!

Hey...

Peter.

Piper.

-Picked a --
-Okay.

Ahh. Heh-heh. Sorry.

I just -- Ugh.

I have a really bad
headache, so...

-Mm.
-Yeah. Yeah.

Who's a grumpy morning person?
You are.

Hmm! Boop.
Ha ha ha...

Okay. Heh.

I have to get ready
for work, so...

Oh, yeah. Need a ride?
I'm a certified Uber driver.

[Piper] Mm.

[Evan]
I know you don't have a car.

[chuckles] Uh, my work is just
a couple blocks from here,

so I'm gonna stroll on over,
but thank you.

How did you know
I don't have a car?

Piper, we've lived

in the same apartment complex
for over a year.

This is the longest conversation
we've ever had.

Uh, that's too bad because
conversation is the area

that I normally get
the highest ratings on.

-Mm-hm.
-On all my drives.

Sorry. I just -- I'm not
trying to be "that guy,"

-but I do need you to -- to go.
-Yeah.

Yeah, like, back to
your place 'cause --

Yeah. No prob. No worries.
I gotta get going anyway.

Wheel of Fortune reruns
are on at 11.

I don't want to miss that.

Plus, my cat and I,
we watch it together,

and he gets bad-tempered
for the day

if he misses his Vanna.

-Uh-huh.
-You gotta meet him sometime.

Would love that.

Last night was really special.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Wow. Just be --
No, you're good.

It's okay. That's a white pillow
that you stepped on.

-See ya, Piper.
-Okay. Bye.

Evan? What are you doing
in my apartment?

Oh. Hi, Maya.

Piper and I are...
seeing each other.

Yeah!

Really?!

Celebrate for me, alright?

Will you? Come on!
Let's dance! Yeah! Whoo!

[grunting]

[Piper groans]

Evan Ebert!
You are dating Evan Ebert?!

Please do not throw
the "D" word around.

We are not dating.

Your girl got a little boozy,
a little frisky.

Just please don't tell anyone.

Mm. Why would I tell anyone?

Babe, you're a little bit
of a blabber mouth.

-We know this.
-Yeah, I do like a story.

It was a one-time thing.

It is never, never
happening again.

That's not what he thinks.

Ooh...

I told you she'd come around.
She couldn't resist the Ev-man.

Why would you go
messing around with Evan?

He's clearly always
had a thing for you!

I barely know the guy.

He's just some dude
who lives in our building.

I mean, I kind of thought
his name was Adam

until like 20 minutes ago.

Oh, my God. Piper...

Babe, I'm so hungover,

and you're really challenging
me right now, and it's a lot.

Why did you go out last night?
Weren't you supposed to

be preparing for your meeting
with that publisher?!

What am I supposed
to do to prepare?

I don't even know exactly
what that woman wants
to talk to me about.

She's obviously a fan of yours.

Every time I blink,
your Instagram

has like a hundred
more followers.

Okay, again, I'm so hungover.
You're coming at me very hot.

And I do feel the love, but --

I'm just worried
about you, Piper.

I love you so much, but
there's nothing to worry about.

I'm fine. I mean, I feel
like true trash right now,

but otherwise I'm --
I really think I'm thriving.

[phone clicking]

Piper, I'm not paying you
to look on your phone.

Okay. I'm sorry. I just -- I got
an e-mail from that publisher.

She pushed back our meeting
to, like, two weeks from now.

[Raheem]
Hmm. That's too bad.

Now why don't you help out the
customer right in front of you?

Hey, that's okay, there,
Raheem and Piper.

But since you have
your phone out,

maybe you should just take
my number, you know.

Ha ha. Cameron?
It's Cameron, right?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

You're not exactly
my type, so...

Okay.
A handsome, successful

investment banker
isn't your type?

Can I just take your order,
please?

You know my order.
You take it every day.

Yeah, I take a lot of orders
every day,

so...just drawing a blank.

Nonfat vanilla latte,
one shot of espresso,

and exactly eight pumps
of vanilla.

'Kay. That's a lot of pumps.
That's a lot of pumps.

She's a firecracker, huh?

How's that soccer league
going, pal?

We got a couple more games
still left.

Yeah, man. Let me know
if you get to the finals.

I'll be there. Okay, man.

Here is your truly insane order.

-Thank you very much.
-Mm-hmm.

-Extra tip.
-Oh. Thanks.

Hey, and good luck in that
publisher meeting, you know?

Two weeks comes around fast.

Thank you.

-[Jane] Piper Brennan?
-Yeah.

Come with me.
My office is down the hall.

Cool, cool. Oops.

-Thanks for coming out.
-Okay. We're good. We're good.

[Jane] Now, this is where
the magic happens.

Oh. This is a cool office.
So bespoke.

Finally. A face to the name.

Thank you. I feel the same way.
This is very cool.

Well, I'm just gonna
jump right in there.

-Yeah! Of course.
-You know, I saw your Instagram

because it was pointed out to me
by an ex-boyfriend of mine.

He actually thought that you
had taken a picture of him

with someone
he shouldn't have been with.

This was long before --
I mean, I --

Anyway, we're friends now.
It's fine.

-Your ex-boyfriend follows me.
-Mm-hmm.

Wow. That's --
-I was just, uh, excited

and a little annoyed by it
initially, but I got on board.

I didn't expect to get on board,
and you got me.

-You got me.
-Thank you.

Tell me a little bit about your
inspiration for your Instagram.

"I Spy Love."

Yeah, um, kind of
just started on a whim.

I -- you know, lady to lady --

never been great
at relationships and dating.

And so whenever
I'm, like, out at, like,

a restaurant or a club,
there are these couples

who look, like, so locked in

and I'm like, "Oh, my God.
What must that be like?"

And so I kind of just started
taking pictures of people --

you know, with their permish --

and, uh, captioning it
just kind of, like,

what I think their
conversation is like and what...

-Yeah.
-...backstory is and...

-Yes.
-I start to sort of fantasize,

like "Oh, wow.
What's -- What's going on here?"

-Yes! Oh!
-I just love kind of, like...

-Yes.
-...making up a story of

what love could be like, maybe.

-Yeah. So...
-I love it.

-Oh. Thanks.
-Yes.

I spy a book.

[gasps]
I spy a huge compliment.

-That's, uh -- Wow.
-I spy a series of books.

I spy a reality show.
I spy a tour.

I spy...PBS giveaways.

PBS giveaways? Wow. Um...

I spy "Judge Piper."
I -- I don't know.

I mean, I just sort of see --
Maybe it's not a courtroom.

That is, uh -- Wow.

Relationship advice.
Love advice.

So you think that
it would be, like, me...

-Yeah.
-...giving advice...

-Advice.
-...on relationships.

Yes. You have a gift.

-Huh. Yeah.
-Tell us what to do, Piper!

Tell us. You're the Pied Piper!

[both chuckle]

I'll follow you anywhere.

Or, you know, yeah, I mean
if you could get me a date.

-Wow.
-Sure. Yeah.

-Oh, and you're also --
-I mean,

I have been almost married
three times.

But the good news is,
I would be divorced three times,

so I am not divorced.

-Um...
-[chuckles]

But the world needs you.
We need you.

It's cool to have
someone believe in you.

You will appeal
to so many young readers

and not-so-young readers. Heh!

-Oh.
-Yeah, you're a bright,

very smart, very charming
young woman.

-[chuckles]
-Yeah, you got it all.

-Thank you.
-You've got it all.

Yeah. You really...

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's emotional, right?
Yeah.

No, I -- Yes, I am taking in
what you're saying.

I just also...

Ugh.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, God.

[vomiting]

-Are you okay?
-No.

Oh, God. Okay. I'll clean it up.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-Yes.

No, that's why
I have an assistant.

-It's fine.
-Okay. Good.

'Cause I gotta go.
I gotta go. Oh, I have to...

Jacob!

Hey! How'd the meeting go?

Um -- I don't really
want to talk about it.

Oh, no. It was that bad?

I threw up, like, all over
Jane Brantley's desk.

-Are you sick?
-I feel fine now.

I'm, like,
a little fatigued, I guess,

but this morning,
I was barf city.

I think it's just, like,
something I ate.

Yeah, I mean, it's either that
or you're pregnant.

If one were
to be pregnant, like,

how soon would they start
showing symptoms?

I don't know.
Like, um, two weeks.

Are you pregnant?!

No. Come on.

[scoffs] No.

-They're both positive.
-Oh, God!

How did this happen?
Aren't you on the pill?

I was! But I stopped taking it
'cause it made me feel bloated.

If you had unprotected sex,
why didn't you take Plan B?

No, I -- I didn't have...

I -- I used a...

Ew! What are you doing?!

I have to look!
I have to look!

When was the last time
you took out your trash?!

[gasps] Ahh!

Oh! Ew! Wh-- W-What? What?

It's expired!

Um -- No, it's gonna be okay.
Hey. Hey.

Having a child
can be a beautiful thing.

It's not beautiful!
I know who the father is!

No!

[phone dings]

Ohh. Would ya look at that,
Cat Sajak?

Piper wants some more lovin'
from the Ev-man.

Oh. What should I wear?

[Piper] Hey.

Piper. Maya.

I thought it was just
gonna be the two of us.

You didn't tell him
I was coming?

You look nice.

-Thanks.
-Cool tie.

Um, so -- [chuckles]

Evan, um, so you
remember how -- Ooh, what?

Is it me or is that waitress
over there staring at me?

Um, I feel like
that might just be you?

[Maya] No, I think she
actually is staring at him.

She's probably a fan of my band.

You're in a band?

I've invited you to, like, three
of my shows, you weirdo.

Ohh. I kinda remember that.

[woman] Yeah?

Deer in Headlights.

Is that a drink?

Uh -- No. That's my band.

-Oh!
-You're a fan, right?

N-No. Why would I know
your band?

You were staring at me
over there.

Oh, no. I was just staring
at you 'cause you're dressed

like an assistant principal
in a dive bar.

And is that yarn hanging
out of your big-boy bag?

That's a leather satchel
I bought at the Dallas airport.

And, secondly, crocheting.
Who doesn't love it?

Can you get me a straw?

-Yeah. Okay. Sure.
-[Piper] Thank you.

Okay, remember a few weeks ago
there was that night

where you came over
to my apartment...

Y-Yeah. How could I forget?

Right.
So, that night, um, the --

Do...
Oh, what are you doin'?

Oh, I'm picking apart this meat
before I eat it

'cause I always make sure
it's fully cooked.

Alright. Um, can you not
do that right now? Sorry.

I just wanted to, um --

just real quick, uh, talk to you

about what happened that --
You --

[phone buzzing and ringing]

Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Uh, this is my mom.

Uh, I-I'm gonna take this
real fast, but, uh...

[as The Terminator]
I'll be back.

-[Piper whimpers]
-[Evan] Mom! Hey!

[door closes]

Told you Evan's not that bad.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, I'm trying
to lighten the mood

'cause you let Steve from
"Blue's Clues" enter your body.

Oh, God! It's so true.
It's so true.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, Piper.

Yeah, yeah. It's input three,
not input two, not --

Hey, hey.
Look, look, look, look.

Positive side, you went
through the foster-care system.

You've always wanted
to have a family.

And now you're growing
one inside of you.

I guess I am growing
a little family in me.

It's kind of a sweet notion.

And it -- I mean, hey,
if you feel like it's not right,

you can always get an abortion.

Mm. Yeah.
I already had one of those.

And this time, I don't know if
it's 'cause I'm older or what,

but I feel, like,
kind of connected

to the little nugget already.

Maybe, like,
a little more ready for it?

I have no idea.

If I have a baby, I will
always have love in my life.

Why don't you just tell him
you're pregnant

but you want to raise
the baby on your own?

I work in a coffee shop.

Like, your girl could use
a two-income household.

Yeah, if only someone else
had gotten you pregnant. Hm!

-What?
-You're gonna hate this.

I know you are going to
hate this, but hear me out.

What if I went out

and, like, met a fantastic guy?

Checks all the boxes.
Great dude.

Could be a provider.
All the things, right?

And then we have sex...

and then he thinks
the baby is his.

-Piper. No.
-Okay.

I really want this baby
to have a better childhood

-and upbringing than I had.
-You're just lying to yourself.

You're being insane right now.
Just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

You having a harsh reaction

makes me think
I'm onto something.

No, you're not!
No, you're not. No. Piper.

I feel it in my gut.
It's not the baby kicking.

-Pi-- Piper. Oh, my God.
-It is my intuition kicking.

-Piper, stop. No. No!
-I have to go.

-I have to think.
-You need to tell him.

[Maya] No. Piper!

Yeah, but it doesn't even
say in the d-- Piper?

[Maya] You can't
just go out to a club

and pick who you want to be
the father of your unborn child!

But you saw what he was like!
You saw it!

He's, uh, the definition
of a man-child, okay?

And I would really love for
my kid to have a father who's --

who's, like, strong and secure,
you know?

And...that is what I am
determined to find tonight.

[rap music plays]

Okay! Let's find me
a baby daddy.

Oh, what about that guy
over there?!

Calvin Klein?
Look at his ring finger.

Honey, he's married.

Shit.

-[Maya] What about him?
-He's bald.

Piper, you realize
the baby won't actually

have his genetics, right?

No, I don't care about that.
It's just --

Well, what if he has
a midlife crisis at some point

and then he gets a tattoo
on his head

and then he'll look
super Neo-Nazi?

It's just not worth the risk,
you know?

Yeah. No. Makes total sense.
Happens constantly.

Ooh-ah! He is hot!

The waiter?
I don't think he's gonna

be able to support a family
on $12 an hour.

Plus tips!

Okay. Let's keep looking!

Come on! We're on a mission! Hi!

Hey, how you broads
doin' tonight, huh?

I'm Luca.
This is my brother Rocco.

Hey. Pleased to meet ya.

-I'm Piper.
-[Luca] Piper?

'Cause you could get the pipe,
sweetheart.

[laughs]
I see what you did there! The --

That's funny how you did that
with my name.

Is your name Cecilia?
'Cause, girl, I wanna feel ya!

Oh, what?! Rocco!
Who taught you that one, huh?

This is gonna be a lot harder
than I thought!

Hey, I'm a lot harder
than you thought!

Okay. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

-Piper, where you goin'?
-Come on.

So, what do you do for work?

I'm a entrepreneur.

Oh, okay. What does that mean?

Whatever you want it to mean.
[cackles]

[Piper chuckles]

You got really sexy legs.

But do you think I need,
like, Botox or something?

We don't get that.
We don't get that.

Yes. So there's this thing
called Babytox now. It's --

[Piper]
Do you mind if I sit here?

Sorry. My feet hurt.
I just need a minute.

-No. You're - You're good.
-Oh, God.

-You are...good.
-Oh, I hate high heels.

-[camera shutter clicks]
-You are good.

Ooh.

Sorry. Did you
just take a photo of me?

No, my phone died.
That's what happens with phones.

[dance music playing]

-[Maya] Oh. Piper!
-Oh.

I've been looking
all over for you.

Who was that guy
you were talking to?

Oh. Um, that was my friend,
Dr. Wendling.

He's a surgeon at my hospital.

Is he single?

I don't think
he's really your type.

He's a rich doctor
and he's not my type?

Oh, there you are, Maya! Hi!

Yeah, he's --
he's less baby daddy.

He's more sugar daddy,
but...

How are you?

Can we get two
vodka sodas, please?

-Thank you.
-Mnh-mnh.

What? What are you doing?!

You can't drink.
You're pregnant.

Oh! Shit!
I wish you would have

reminded me of that
before I gave away $30.

It wasn't a total waste.

Heh-heh-heh.

♪♪♪

Hey. How's your night going?

Sorry. I don't talk
to pregnant chicks. Yo.

There are like 100 guys in
this bar, and all of them suck!

What about 101?

I'm Samuel. Nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm Piper.

Beautiful, Piper.

Hunh -- Thank you.

Just give me one sec.
One sec.

Maya! I'm leaving!
I found my guy. He is sexy.

He's an engineer. And he just
invited me back to his place!

-Ugh, God. Where is he?
-He's right over there.

I love him. What?
Why are you laughing?

-[laughing] Piper.
-What?

-You can't be serious.
-I'm so serious.

-He's Black.
-Okay. What?

Won't it be a little odd

when "his" baby comes out
white as a ghost?

"Phoebe Bridgers
doing yoga" white.

Shit!
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

I hate this night!
This night is a bust, man!

I'm sorry.

Let's just go.

Uh-huh.

[Maya]
Who are you talking to?

It's Brantley. I feel like

she's gonna offer me the deal
or something.

-Oh, my God. Put it on speaker.
-Yeah.

Wasn't mad.
I was just taken off guard.

So, do we have a deal or not?

Yeah! Yes! Sorry.
I-I thought I blew it.

You blew chunks.

[chuckles] Yeah, that was
morning sickness, um,

because I'm -- I'm pregnant
and I was pregnant, um,

when I was at your office.

I just didn't know it.

I didn't even know
you were seeing anyone.

Yeah, it's, you know --
it's complicated.

[chuckles]

[Jane]
Single and pregnant.

I love it. I think
the readers will love it.

Just show me
some of that authenticity

in your first draft.

Hundred percent.
Thank you, Jane Brantley!

[both screaming]

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God!

I can't believe
you're writing a book! Aah!

I'm roommates with
a sexy Margaret Atwood.

Thank you. Oh, my God.
But seriously, though.

You think you're
proud of me now?

Wait until you see this hot-ass
dude I'm going on a date with.

I present...Kyle.

Whoa. He looks like a model.

He is a model.
Well, he used to be.

Now he works
for his dad's business.

It's actually, like, a really
cute story, but anyways.

I matched with him
this morning on Bumble,

and now we are going on a date
this afternoon.

-Already?
-Maya...

I'm two and a half weeks
pregnant, okay?

I gotta get on this, you know?

We gotta move quick. Quick!

♪♪♪

-Piper! Hey!
-Hi!

Nice to meet you in person.

Nice to meet you!
I'll get the first round.

No, no. Don't be silly.
I already bought your round.

Just pick a club, get your ball,
and let's hit the links.

Orange and a purple.
There you go.

Thanks. Ladies first.

So, I do a lot of business deals
on the course.

If you want me to go easy
on you, let me know.

Alright, big shot.
Let's see what you got.

♪♪♪

-Oh, my God.
-Ohh!

So, you, uh, you go on
a lot of Bumble dates?

Um, just like
four to six a week.

Why? What about you?
What's your deal?

I'm just so busy with work,
and all my clients are guys,

so Bumble's the only option
I have to meet girls.

-Oh.
-Not that I'm complaining.

-Oh.
-You're gorgeous.

And I'm so happy to be here.

Um, thank you.
[giggles]

So, uh, on your profile, it says

that you're looking
for something serious,

and I was just curious
if that was something

you put on there more recently

or if that was, like, a vestige

from when you first signed up
for the app

or, like, what your
current status is?

No, I'm open
to something serious.

And I think we're off
to a great start.

Yeah. I-I agree.

Well, I think we are,

but then you might see me
play golf and be horrified.

-It gets pretty bleak.
-No.

You might change your mind
about me in 20 seconds.

No judgement.

Watch out, world.

-[chuckles]
-Cool.

[Kyle] Almost sad that
this is the last hole.

I don't want today to end.

Hey. I'll make you a deal.

-If you make this hole-in-one...
-Mm-hmm...

...maybe we, uh, continue
this date back at my place.

-Yeah? Okay.
-I'm just saying.

I want to pet the horsies!
I want to pet the horsies!

I want to pet the horsies!
I want to pet the horsies!

Hey, what the fuck was that?!

I want to pet the horsies.

-Well, I wanna get my dick wet.
-Horsies.

Piece of shit.

[scoffs] Crazy.
You ready to take your shot?

-That was horrible!
-I know.

Stupid brat stopped me
from getting my hole-in-one.

Not him. You! You were horrible!

How could you scream
at an innocent kid like that?!

It's easy. I hate kids.

-Wha--
-What's to like?

They're smelly and annoying
and expensive.

The list goes on and on.

You just, like, never want kids?

Like, if you got
a girl pregnant,

you would just, like,
abandon her or something?

I'd be outta the door
faster than a racehorse.

You know what?
I'm a racehorse.

Because I am
out of the door here, right now.

There's no door, but
outside if there were
a door, I'm out of it.

-Bye! Bye, Kyle!
-Hey. Wait. This is
our first date.

Why are we even
talking about kids?

Piper, it was -- He started it!

That's the guy.

Look!
I finally got a hole-in-one!

God! Not even then!

Um, may -- No. No, no, no!

Listen. Listen.
Um, hold on, sir!

Let's have a conversation.
Come along with me.

-Sir!
-We're gonna talk about --

Help!

[phone clicking, message bloops]

Piper, listen to your friend
and pick your head up.

Your favorite customer is here.

[phone locks]

Hey. That's okay, Raheem.

I'm used to being ignored
by beautiful women.

Really?
You seem like the kind of guy

who would be with
a different girl every night.

Only Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe

when I'm watching old reruns
of Friends.

[Piper chuckles]

Wow, Piper . That's the first
time I've seen you smile.

Looks nice.

Thanks.

That's, um --
That's really sweet.

Um, yeah, so, I'll, uh --
I-I'll have my usual.

A nonfat vanilla latte
with one shot of espresso

and eight pumps of vanilla?

-You remembered.
-Of course I remembered.

It's a psychotic order.

-[chuckles]
-But also kind of cute.

Lot of sugar. Ha!

Hey, how many goals
last night, bud?

-Five goals.
-Alright. Good stuff.

Well, let me know when
you get to that final, alright?

-Most definitely. Yeah.
-Alright. Come on.

-Oh.
-There you go.

Thank you.

So, uh --
Oh, I forgot to pay, right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Just tap or swipe.

Hey, you, uh, you have
a-a great day, alright?

-You too.
-Okay.

-Hey, Cameron?
-Yeah?

Do you maybe want to ask me out?

Uh, I thought
I wasn't your type?

That never stopped you before.

It -- Well, yeah.
I-I do, actually.

I just --
Things were going so well,

I didn't want to push my luck.

How does dinner
at my place sound?

Let me -- Let me give you
my business card.

You can shoot me a text,
alright?

Okay. Cool.

Actually, I-I don't think
I can go out with a guy

whose Instagram handle
is @StraightCashidy.

I'm just messing with you.
Relax.

Check the side of your cup.

So you'd know.

You're good.

[both laugh]

Okay.
Oh, don't hit that woman.

Oh, hi. Hey.

-[Piper] See you.
-Bye.

You see what happens
when you lift your head up?

You have yourself a man.

[Piper] Hmm.

Maya!

I have some news!
I found my guy.

Really? Who?

Cameron Cassidy.

He's the guy who comes
into the coffee shop

every day, the banker.

The guy who harasses you
every day?

It's not harassing.
It's -- It's cute.

You didn't think it was cute
a few weeks ago.

I didn't need a baby daddy
a few weeks ago.

And, Maya, this guy,
he's got all the features.

He is hot. He's got a good job.
He's fit.

He has great hair.

-Mm.
-He is really hot.

I mean, what more
could a girl ask for?

Maybe to have some sort
of connection with him?

Well, we're gonna have
a whole lifetime of connections.

Oh, my God.
That sounds like the nonsense

my parents are always preaching
to me about arranged marriages.

Do you ever think that
maybe your parents
are onto something?

I mean, they've been together,
like, 35 years.

I don't think they were
ever truly in love, okay?

That's not an ideal type
of relationship.

You finally get to have
a family of your own.

Okay. I hear what you're saying.

But you're not thinking
about the fact

that the alternative is Evan!

Captain Cat Piss
across the hall!

Now, what should I wear?

I need Cameron to want to
fuck me on the first date.

Come on!

[Maya] What about
a straitjacket and a thong?

[Piper] Oh, my God!
That is so mean!

[knock on door]

Hi.

Can I come in?
[chuckles]

Uh, yes. Yes, of course.

Uh, you look
absolutely stunning.

Took my breath away.

[chuckles] Wow.

Come on. Let me get you a drink.

Okay.

No, I don't want to
go out with Sandeep.

He has a comb-over!

I don't care if he has
a comb-over and a ponytail.

That's worse.

[knock on door]

I'll talk to you later, Mom.
Someone's at the door.

And it better not be Sandeep!

Hi, Maya. Piper home?

Oh, my lady.

Hmm.
-Hmm!

I'll be right back.
Gonna get the food.

Okay.

♪♪♪

Here we are.

-Ohh...
-Ohh...

My famous shrimp scampi.

Okay, Top Chef.

Are you trying to
win me over with food?

'Cause it's working.
[chuckles]

Well, my mother always told me

the way to a lady's heart
is through her stomach.

Do you want to, like,
maybe tell me just

a little bit more about her
and your family in general?

I would love to hear.

Well, I grew up in North Jersey.

[Piper] Mm. Mm-hmm.

My father
is a financial advisor.

And my mom, she owns a bakery.

Maybe that's where I got
my great cooking skills.

-I don't know.
-Well, maybe you can teach me

some of your cooking skills,
'cause every time

I've tried baking cookies,
I always end up burning them.

So, just getting back
to the business

of getting to know each other,

do you envision yourself staying
in Philadelphia long-term?

[chuckles]
This is like an interview.

[both chuckle]

No. [laughs]

Kidding! Funny.

It's good we are learning
about one another.

Um, but, you know,

speaking of family, um,
tell me about yours.

Uh, I don't -- I don't think

you want me to drop
that bombshell right now.

Come on. Tell me.
It can't be that bad.

Okay. Uh...

My dad ran off
before I was born,

and my mom died
shortly after I was born,

so a lot of my childhood
was spent

in and out of foster homes.

So, yeah, kind of a bummer.

So, yeah, that's my deal.

Wow. I'm sorry. I'm...

-Mm. Mm.
-No, it's pretty heavy.

-I'm sorry.
-Mm, thank you.

No, thank you. For sharing.

And there's a lot behind those
beautiful eyes, isn't there?

Oh, and you had a meeting
last week, right?

How'd it go?

Yeah. It was good.
Um, I got a book deal.

I mean, it's with the sixth-best

publisher in Philadelphia,
but...

-What?
-Yeah. I did get a book deal.

That's unbelievable.

This is unbelievable.

How could she go on a date

without consulting
with me first?

Look. We slept together.

D-Doesn't that mean anything?
Huh?

Evan, you really
need to move on.

You're a great guy, but...

Piper doesn't like you
like that.

We had something.
We had this connection.

Look, Piper's just
a complex girl, okay?

She doesn't know what she wants.

[both moaning]

[Piper giggles]

You want me to get a condom?

No!

-Okay.
-Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Y-You just want to
take it slow?

No. No. No.
[giggles]

If you say "no" one more time,
I'm gonna go home.

[laughs]
You are home.

No. I just don't think
we need one.

You know, it feels better
when it's all natural.

And I'm on birth control, so...

Nope.

[Cameron] Hm!

[Piper] Let's do this.

[softly] Yes.

[camera shutter clicks]

Hey.

Did you just take
a crib shot of me?

[Piper chuckles]

Uh, no.

-Yes, you did.
-What's a crib shot?

Oh, it's something guys do
after they have sex with a girl.

They take a picture of her
in bed.

Ew!

I know. It's really creepy.

And you gotta
up your selfie game, Piper.

Oh, my God! You're a creep!

-Two creepers.
-Two creepers. Aah!

♪♪♪

...I was covered in algae.

-Oh, my God.
-Oh!

Come here.
What's your doggie's name?

Hi. Hey. Ozzie?

[sighs]

Oh, what's wrong, babe?

-I'm just --
-You hungry?

-I don't know if it's good.
-Aww.

-Cocktails! Whoo!
-Whoo!

Uh, let me get the appetizers.
Be right back.

-Oh, okay. Cool.
-Yeah.

Sorry. False start.
[laughs]

Here we go.

Cut it out!
You're holding up the line!

[humming]

Hey. Where were you last night?

Um, where do you think
I was last night?

Wow. That's the third night
this week.

Pretty soon I might need
to find a new roommate.

Yeah. Tomorrow's our
two-month anniversary.

So cute. And he's gonna
meet me after work,

and I'm gonna tell him
everything then.

You're really gonna tell him
that you're pregnant
with another man's child?

What? No!

I'm gonna tell him
I'm pregnant with his kid.

Do you really want
your relationship to
be based off of lies?

I know this sounds
kind of weird,

but I get really excited
thinking about

the next one being his,
you know?

As long as my kid has
a good life, I will be happy.

[Cameron]
So, what's the surprise
you're dying to tell me about?

Why don't we just,
like, go sit over there
and I'll tell you all about it?

[both laugh]

I made you a little treat.

-Oh!
-Homemade.

So, you baked me, uh, uh...

-Yeah, it's a cookie.
-I guess I can assume

that the surprise isn't
you learned how to bake.

-[laughs]
-Kidding.

Yeah, no.
Still suck at baking. Um, no.

The surprise has nothing
to do with that.

Um, remember when we were
at the park a few weeks ago

and we saw that
really cute puppy and
I was like, "Oh, my God.

We should get a puppy together."

You got us a puppy!

-No. N-- No.
-Okay. Cat?

-Frog. Turtle.
-No. Frog?

No. No! You got us one
of those little teacup pigs!

-Not a pig.
-Just tell me, baby!

-Baby.
-Yeah?

No.

Baby.

Yeah...?

No. Baby.

You're...

pregnant?

Surprise!

[imitates crowd cheering]

Wow. How?

When?

I-I can't --
I can't say for sure,

but maybe it was even
our first date.

Wow. I mean, I thought
you were on the pill.

Hmm. I am. It's just that, uh --
Quick medical lesson --

the pill is only 99% effective,

and I guess
we're the one percent.

-Whoa.
-Your sperm is just

crazy effective, and it just...

pshew-pshew, got in there,
you know?

Michael Phelps,
but make it sperm.

-[laughs]
-Oh.

Strong sperm. Broke through.

Just broke on through.
It broke on through that seal.

-Wow. That's crazy. Wow.
-Cameron.

We're gonna get through this.
You and me.

And...you know.

Boy or girl?
-They. Who cares?

It's human life.
It's a -- It's cool.

It's cool. It's a cool thing
to do together.

-Give me a kiss.
-It's exciting.

[Cameron] Mm.

[sneakers squeak]

Maya!

Piper!
What are you doing here?!

-I've been looking for you.
-I'm being serious.

Why are you here?
Remember what happened

the last time you snuck
into the hospital?

Oh, my God. That was, like,
three years ago,

and I was, like,
super fuckin' wasted.

Heh.

Sorry. She's very sick.
Mentally.

-Why are you here?
-She's a patient now.

That's right.
I'm going to the vaj doctor.

Please. They're called OB/GYN's.

I-I know what they're called.

-Can I tell you something?
-I don't know.

-Is it workplace-appropriate?
-Last night,

I told Cameron he's the father.

And?

I mean, he was
hesitant at first,

but now he seems super on-board.

He's meeting me
at this appointment.

You really think
that's a good idea?

You do realize
that the doctor's gonna be

able to tell you exactly when
the baby was conceived, right?

Yeah, I know.
I've thought about that.

But here's the thing.
I'm just gonna sort of lie

about when my last period was.

It's only like
a three-week difference.

So nobody's gonna know.

Can't believe your evil plan
is actually gonna work.

You can't keep calling it evil
when everybody's happy.

I wouldn't say
that everyone's happy.

Everyone seems pretty happy.
I'm happy. Cameron's happy.

It's such a shame your
new girlfriend couldn't join us.

Mom, uh, Piper and I broke up.

Oh, Evan!

Mom, it's for the best.

We wanted different things,
you know?

I wanted to date her.

She wanted me to not date her.

But how could anyone not want
to date my little pop star?!

Oh, I'm not a pop star.
My band plays alt rock.

Evan, honey,
you don't have to

pick apart the food
I make for you.

You know it's always
fully cooked.

I know, Mom.

But E. coli can be
a tricky little beast.

Well, if you think there's
a chance she's the one,

don't give up.

Thanks, Mom.

I thought I'd be more nervous,

but I'm, like, actually --
I'm excited!

Excited. I know.
It feels, like, so real.

-Yeah.
-[knock on door]

-Hi. I am Dr. Chapman.
-Hey, Doc!

And you two must be
Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

Oh. We're not married,
but he is my boyfriend.

Yeah. Cameron. Hey.
Nice to meet you.

-How are you?
-Okay. Nice to meet you, too.

God, you're so cute.

Um, and so what
brings you here today?

Well, I believe I am pregnant.

Took some home pregnancy tests,

and they came back
positive, so...

-Yeah.
-Really just here
to, like, confirm it.

Okay. Let me just take
your medical history.

-Okay. Cool.
-Okay.

Do you have any underlying
medical conditions?

-No.
-No.

Okay. Do you smoke, drink,
do recreational drugs?

-No.
-Mm, not right now. [laughs]

Not at the moment
because of...

this whole thing.
-That's funny.

Okay. Let's keep it that way.
Is this your first pregnancy?

No. I had an abortion in 2011.

Okay.

-Babe, you had an abortion?
-Yeah.

And when was the first day
of your last period?

Uh, eight weeks ago,
and the reason I didn't,

uh, take a-a test sooner is
because I was really just,

like, feeling really scared
and nervous.

That's totally fine, okay?

We're gonna do
an abdominal ultrasound

and see what's happening inside,
okay?

Alright. So I'm going to
need you to lift up your shirt.

-Okay.
-Okay. Lift up your shirt.

I'm going to put some gel
on your abdomen.

It's going to be a little cool.

-It's gonna be cold.
-You're insane.

-Ooh, wow, that is cold.
-[Cameron] It's cold.

-Yeah.
-Okay. Alright.

[Piper] Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Okay.
You see that bubble there?

That's the gestational sac.
And inside it is your baby.

You're definitely pregnant.
Congratulations!

Yes! The baby in there --
on there -- in --

Oh, my God. Um, okay.

-So, what's next?
-Oh, yeah. Next steps.

We determine the due date

and we come up
with a prenatal care plan.

Okay. So w-when's the due date?

Okay. Let's see.

Huh!

The fetus looks pretty big...

-[Piper] Mm.
-...to be only eight weeks.

Piper, you sure your last period
was eight weeks ago?

-Yeah, positive.
-Okay.

Based on your last period,
your due date is mid-February.

I guess you just have
a really big baby.

Whoo! Yeah! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, it's gonna be a bruiser.

Yeah. Mm.

[beep]

-Here is a print-out.
-Oh.

-What? That's --
-Whoa.

Whoa!

[chuckles]

That's the baby.

Okay, cool, so we're, like,
done here, though?

[Piper] This is so pretty. Lot
of different flora and fauna.

[laughs]
Wow.

Hey!
Mom, Dad, we're here.

Wow, they just leave
the door open?

-Suburbs.
-Oh.

Oh, my God.
You grew up here?

-[chuckles]
-Yeah.

-Oh, Cameron.
-Hey!

Oh, sweetheart.
Mwah!

Oh, and you must be Piper.

I am.
It's so great to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure is all mine.
[gasps]

And there's
my future grandchild.

Oh, Joe, get in here!

-Coming.
-May I?

-Coming.
-Oh, yeah.

Hello, darling.
It's your grandma.

[Joe] My apologies, sweetheart.

I've been totally preoccupied
with Old Man Maloney next door.

Had to beat him down a couple
times on the squash court.

I'm sure.

Old Man Maloney's
the same age as you, pal.

He doesn't play like me,
now, does he?

-You know.
-[both laugh]

-Oh! Huh.
-Hi! So nice to meet you.

-Piper.
-Joe Cassidy.

-So --
-Lovely to meet you. Piper?

-Piper. Yeah.
-Huh.

Well, now that we're
all acquainted, come on inside.

Okay.
Aww! That's such a cute dog.

-That's my other son.
-What's his name?

-Bonzo.
-We had to put him down

a couple weeks ago.

-Oh.
-So, there I was,

out of bait, entirely.

I spot this 42-pound
striped bass,

and he's staring me
right in the eyes.

And how did I catch it, you ask?

How -- how did you catch it?

You know, I ask myself
the same damn question --

Who would like
some hors d'oeuvres?

Oh.

I've got your favorite, Cameron.

Pesto with a goat-cheese spread.

Diane! I was right in
the middle of a story.

Oh, Joe, nobody cares about
the striped bass.

We've heard it a million times.

You caught the fish
with the scraps of your lunch.

But she's never heard it before.

There'll be plenty of time

for you to share your stories
with Piper.

She's part of the family now.

Aww.

And on that note, Piper...

[Piper chuckles]

There's something
that I want you to have.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

It's an old family heirloom.

-[Cameron] Mom.
-I can't take that.

My mother gave it to me when
I was pregnant with Cameron.

My grandmother gave it to her.

I always dreamed
that someday I would give it

to my own daughter,
but seeing as I only had a son,

I thought it would be fitting
if I gave it to you.

Mm.

The mother
of my first grandchild.

-Oh!
-This is -- wow.

It's, like, the nicest thing
anyone's ever given me.

I'm so happy these two
are hitting it off, you know?

I was a little nervous
after your initial reaction.

Well, obviously, I was
a little shocked.

-[Piper] Mm.
-I mean, who wouldn't be?

You kids have only been
together a couple of months,

but when I heard how Cameron
talked about you on the phone...

-Mwah.
-Mm. Hmm.

Seeing you two together today,

I don't think I've ever seen
you this happy, Cameron.

No.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what this is?

It's magical.

Like a classic Cassidy
family moment.

Yes! I know what
you're thinking, Dad.

[Joe]
I think we need a photograph.

-Oh, yes.
-Yes!

-In front of the mantelpiece.
-[Joe] Come on now.

What are we thinking?

-Time for a group family photo.
-Come on.

[Piper] Okay.

I want to get Bonzo
in the background here, okay?

Okay, squeeze in tight.

And then, un, deux, trois.

-Family!
-Family!

[camera shutter clicks]

[breathing deeply]

Are you okay?

Mnh-mnh.
No. No.

What's wrong, hon?

It's just, all of this,
you know, it's...

it's a lot.

It's a lot.
[chuckles nervously]

What do you mean?

I didn't grow up like this,
you know?

This is utopia, and that
was not my childhood.

You know, so...

Listen, I just --
I just --

I just want you to be happy,
you know?

They're just really excited,
you know?

If you can give them a break,
it's their first grandchild.

Come on.

Come on, we miss you out there.

Come on, we miss you out there.

Come on. Let's go.

[Woman] Now try it with me.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Hey, P!
Can you put headphones in?

Now the baby is en route.

Sorry!
I forgot you were home.

Hey, what's going on?

Jane Brantley sent me
over so many notes.

Okay. When do you
have to submit your new draft?

Next month.

But I haven't made
any progress in, like, weeks.

It's just, like, really hard

to write about
any type of relationship

when I'm going through
all this stuff with Cameron.

Like, how am I qualified to give
any kind of dating advice?

Why don't you just take a break?

I mean,
you've been in here all day.

I was.

I was watching
some Lamaze videos,

'cause I signed up for a class.

Are you also gonna move
to Connecticut

and open a tiny candle shop?

Okay, that does sound very nice,
actually.

[laughs]

What, are we in the '90s?

-[both laugh]
-What?

♪♪♪

-Cassidy?
-Hey!

I wanted to thank you
so much for, uh, you know,

allowing me to leave
early today.

Yeah, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.

Tanaka just sent
over the initial deal points,

and he wants them reviewed
by end of day.

Okay.
Um...

Yeah, I was, uh --
Remember I, uh --

I was, uh,
told you I had an application

with my girlfriend
this afternoon.

Well, staying late with me
will have its perks.

She's actually, like,
on her way over here right now.

-Mm.
-So, this is, uh, t--

to juggle, you know?

Relax, Cassidy,

I'm talking
about making you partner

when Lord comes back
from Florida.

But I like where your head's at.

You're talking
about making me a partner?

So, I take it you'll
be staying late?

-[cellphone vibrating]
-Ah.

Ah, geez.

Just imagine the life you
could give her and your child

on a partner's salary.

Uh, let me think about that.
Yes.

-[both laugh]
-This is amazing!

Meet me in my office in 10.

Oh, and, Cassidy,
I hope you like cheesecake.

-Hello.
-Hello.

What the actual fuck
is going on in this office?

She's, like, whispering
sweet nothings in your ear

about cheesecake?

Ah, it's not --
it's not what you think.

You guys were cheek-to-cheek.

You were basically slow dancing.

-Shh.
-You shh!

She was just, like, offering
me a promotion, actually.

Okay, obviously, it's cool
if you get a promotion.

We all love a pay bump.
We all love a title bump.

-Yes.
-But come on.

That's like an H.R. nightmare
waiting to happen.

Yeah.

What about Lamaze class?

Can we take a rain check?

Come on!
I paid in advance.

This is really important to me.

Can you just go by yourself?
Just this one time?

Yeah, yeah.
Happy to go by myself.

Yeah, I'll just fly solo
to Lamaze class,

and you can stay here
and lick cheesecake

off of your gorgeous boss
with the perfect teeth!

Enjoy your cheesecake!

Oh, we will.
Thank you.

Hi. For Piper.

Evan: Good evening, Miss.
If you're hungry,

there's supplies
to make s'mores behind my seat.

[Piper] Oh, my God. Evan.

Evan Ebert, at your service.

Of course you're my Uber driver.

It's not exactly how
I envisioned our second date.

Jesus Christ.

[Evan] I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Maya told me you're seeing
someone, and...

Well, I'm assuming it's going
really well,

based on your drop-off location.

Yeah.
Thought it was going well,

but here I am, going to
my first Lamaze class by myself.

You want to talk about it?

You really want to hear
me bitch about my problems?

Yeah, of course.

Feels like a conflict
of interest, you know?

Oh, no, that's ancient history.

No, I'd love to hear
you bitch about your problems.

Okay.

-I care about you, Piper.
-Evan...

Come on, I --
You know I do.

Seriously, I'm all ears.

Okay.
Well, uh, if you insist.

I met this guy, and, uh...

I thought he was
a really great match for me.

I saw a future with us, and I
saw us having a family together,

and now everything
just feels a little off.

Now it really sucks.

And I'm not thrilled
about going to Lamaze by myself.

That's easy. I mean, you just
gotta do the Humming Dove.

It's my favorite move.
I love Lamaze.

You know Lamaze?
What is happening?

Well, I get super nervous
when my band's about to perform,

and so I got online,

and I started looking at all
these relaxed breathing videos

and came across all these Lamaze
channels, and it's awesome.

It's not just helpful to moms.
It can help anyone.

I've found this one technique

where you inhale
through the nose,

exhale through your mouth
while audibly humming.

-Huh.
-Like...

-Ooh...
-Okay, okay, okay.

It works great.
It helps me a ton.

Very interesting, Evan Ebert.

I'm learning
a lot about you today.

And while you're at it,

you gotta check out
Mommy Two Be's channel.

-Hers is the best.
-Did you say, "Mommy Two Be"?

-Yeah.
-I'm obsessed.

-I watch her videos
all the time.

-Breathe in.
-Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Breathe -- breathe in.
-Breathe in.

Breathe out...
'til the baby's en route.

My God.
And you use that, like,

when you're just
with your bandmates?

They think it's weird
when I say that part,

but then we put on a good show,
and they shut up.

-It's great.
-Very interesting.

God, Mommy Two Be.

I wish she was going with me
to Lamaze class.

I love her.

I-I don't think it's too weird,
but I-I could go with you,

if you need some support
or help.

I'm good. I'm good.
But thank you.

That's really nice of you
to offer, but no.

-It's not --
That's what she can say --

You wouldn't have come
if I didn't.

Right over there.

I see the seat.

This is weird.

Okay. Wow.

God, I'm, like, breakdancing.

-Oh, my gosh.
-What?

That's Travis Boyer.

-Want a yoga block?
-Maybe.

-Who?
-You want a ball instead?

[gasps]
I want a yoga ball.

He's, like, the top music
executive here in Philly.

-I can't believe he's here.
-Yeah.

Why don't you go introduce
yourself before class starts?

-Can we have pizza?
-Tonight?

-Yes.
-We had pizza yesterday.

I'm not gonna bother him
with his family.

I'll do it some other time,
maybe after.

-But I still want pizza.
-Okay.

We can have another pizza.
What kind?

I want to leave.
I hate this.

-We're here.
-I hate it. I hate it.

-Comfy?
-No, I'm not physically

comfortable, I'm not comfortable
with you here.

I'm guessing this is
your first child, baby.

You can tell?

You look more scared
than Antwaan every time

I tell him "I just want to take
myself out for a drive."

Because every time
you go for a drive,

you leave me home
with them kids.

This is cute.
You guys are cute.

This clearly is
not your first time doing this.

We have two at home,
but I do promise you this --

with each one,
easier than the last.

We do it for the
bonding experience, you know?

-Mm.
-Keeps us close.

-Mmm.
-Mmm. Give me that sugar.

It must be nice.

[man] Good afternoon,
moms and dads.

Oh.

What a presence.

Good evening.

My name's Steve.
Welcome to Lamaze class.

To start off, I want you all
to sit pretzel style

across from your partner.

Hold each other's hands
as you breathe.

[breathes deeply]

Deeply.

[breathes deeply]

♪♪♪

As you breathe,
I want you to explore

every part of your partner.

I want you to know
their heartbeat.

It's very intense.

I want you to look into their
eyes and discover their soul.

I want you to be the baby.

Okay. Just...

[Steve] Excellent.
Great start.

Now, moms, stay where you are.

Dads, get behind your partners.

Place your hands
on their shoulders.

Now it's time
to show your sensitive side.

Moms, I want you to continue
with your deep breathing,

as if your baby's on the way.

Dads, I want you
to give support and strength

throughout the whole process.

Just listen.
Listen to my words.

[Steve] Be the peanut butter
to her jelly.

-The macaroni to her cheese.
-Okay?

Mm-hmm.

The Harry Potter
to her Hermione.

Actually, Harry and Hermione
aren't like that.

Their relationship
is strictly platonic.

Shut up, Travis.

This is a safe space.

Piper, you are
a beautiful flower.

You are so strong and
you have so much love to give.

You will be
an incredible mother,

and with every breath
that you take,

you radiate love
straight from your heart

to your child
to all those around you.

Damn, that was smooth.
My boy got game.

I want every dad in this room
to take notes from this guy.

That's exactly the type
of support

it'll take to get through
this pregnancy.

[chuckles nervously,
clears throat]

♪♪♪

Everything okay, Piper?
You seem a little quiet.

No, everything's fine.

I'm just -- I'm just
thinking about the class

that we --
that we went to.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That was -- It's funny

how everyone kept
thinking we were a couple.

It's weird.

Yeah, it was hilarious.

Hey, what about that Steve guy?

That guy looked like
he should have been oiling up on

Venice Beach instead of teaching
pregnant women how to breathe.

He was --
he was a buff dude.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. He was -- yeah.

[both laugh]

He was a big dude.

-Well...
-Whoa.

...here's your stop.

This is your stop, too, right?

Aren't you gonna come upstairs?

Yeah, actually I'm gonna
run over to Office Depot.

My band has this big gig
coming up at the Union Firehouse

in a couple months, and
I want to print up some fliers.

Oh.
That's, like, a great venue.

That's huge. Wow.
That's a big deal.

Yeah, yeah, it's, uh, definitely
our biggest show to date.

Wow.

You know, I, uh --
I do have a printer

if you want to just use
my printer.

You don't have to go to
Office Depot.

-Well, uh, are you sure?
-Yeah.

I mean, I got like 100 copies
to print, so...

Oh, yeah.
I mean, I have, like,

hoarder levels of paper
in my apartment.

It's all yours.

Hunky dory. I'll be sure to
print up an extra one for you.

I still want you to see one
of my shows, okay?

Yeah. You know, I can...

make a cup of coffee
if you come upstairs.

We can, like, settle in.

You can tell me all about
the gig and your music and...

Ooh, I don't know.

My mom says
it's usually not good

to drink coffee after 4:00 p.m.

Maybe I'll make an exception?

[laughs]
Okay.

Cool. Don't tell mom.

-Don't. She'll kill me.
-[laughs]

You also don't
have to have coffee.

You could just...
come in and hang.

No, I'm just so grateful
that you even went with me

to a Lamaze class.
Well, I told you --

-Hey.
-Oh.

Cam, what are you doing here?

You went to
a Lamaze class together?

I like your shirt, man.
It's, uh, cool style.

Mm, yeah.
Wow.

We're twins.

I got out of work earlier
than I expected,

so I made this romantic dinner,

and you come in with the
Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz.

-Um...
-That's a good one.

Yeah, I, uh --
I'm actually Evan.

I'm her, um, neighbor and, um --
and I'm also gonna get goin'.

Oh, no,
you can still use the printer.

-No, it's fine. Fine.
-Your fliers.

Follow the yellow brick road,
bitch.

See ya, Piper.
Nice meeting you, Cameron.

-[door closes]
-Okay, why are you mad at Evan?

-He did nothing wrong.
-He did nothing wrong?

You don't go to a Lamaze class
with a girl

if you're not the father
of the baby.

I mean, do you think
I didn't want to go?

You -- You think
I wanted to work late?

We need this promotion.
We need to support our family.

Look, I'm sorry, you know?

And I'm sorry.
Your -- Your --

Your friend
seemed like a nice guy.

I was inappropriate.

No, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, I'm sorry too.
-I'm so sorry.

No, I'm serious.
This is new for us,

-and I'm sorry that I...
-Yeah.

I just wanted to be with you.

-Really?
-Yes, and I missed it.

I'm so sad.

-Mm.
-Oh, honey.

-I'm sorry.
-Mm.

-And you made me dinner?
-Mm-hmm.

Is that feta?

Quinoa salad with feta.

I love feta.

♪♪♪

♪♪

Oh!

What's wrong, baby?

-Oh!
-You okay?

-Yeah.
-What's wrong?

I'm fine.
No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Sorry, I just --
-Okay.

Just, eh, talk dirty to me.

-Huh? Oh, wow.
-Yeah.

Alright.
Yeah.

-Yeah, bitch.
-Oh, bitch, yeah.

Oh. Mm, yeah.
I knocked you up.

-You did.
-Mm!

-Mm-hmm.
-No, I knocked you up.

[screams]

-I'm sorry! Oh, my God.
-What the fuck, Piper?

I'm sorry.
I don't know, I don't know.

Okay.

[Maya] Hey, P?
You almost ready?

Cameron said to get to
the country club by three...

[door creaks]

Hey, are you okay?

I think I need to break up
with Cameron.

I can't keep doing this to him.

He deserves real love, and he's
just not getting that kind of,

like, true love from me.

Hey, Cameron isn't the only one
who deserves true love.

[scoffs]

You were right.

Love isn't calculated.

So, guessing you want
me to stay here

while you go talk to Cameron?

Yeah.
Unless you want to witness

the most awkward conversation
of all time.

Yeah. I'll -- I'll hang here.

Besides, I thought
it was really weird

that he kept insisting I come
along to lunch with you guys.

Oh, yeah.

I think he just
wanted to introduce you to one

of his weird friends.

Oh, my God. Him and my mom
should be in a club.

What's the plan for
after you break up with Cameron?

Talk to Evan.
I have to tell him the truth.

It's about doing
the right thing.

You know what, Piper?

You might not be
a bad mom after all.

You might not be
a bad godmother after all.

You want me to be the godmother?

Of course.

You should be everyone's
godmother -- truly.

Stop it.
Piper, I love you.

I love you.

Like, a lot.

♪♪♪

Oh, wow.

This looks like the Titanic.

[Cameron]
Hey, hey, Piper, over here!

-Hi!
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Mm.

Okay, come on.
This way.

Uh, I got us a table
in a private room.

Oh, great. Um, it's good
that we're in a private --

Hey, where's Maya?

Um, that's actually part of what
I need to talk to you about.

I told Maya not to come.

Oh, man. I can't believe
she's gonna miss this.

Sorry. Miss what?

Miss this!

-Surprise!
-Surprise!

Ah!

[cheers and applause]

Yeah! A surpr--

Oh, my.
Everyone.

Hi. You're here.
That's crazy.

-Hi.
-Gorgeous.

-You're radiant.
-Oh, thank you.

Oh, there it is.

Oh! Ah!
[laughs nervously]

Oh. Ah!
Aah! That's cool.

-Yeah.
-You did that.

Hey, a surprise baby shower
for the baby mama!

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]
Wow. I --

Just so much joy, you know,
flooding through my veins.

So, go ahead and tell me.
What did you want to talk about?

[Piper] Oh, um, actually, can
you give me a second?

I'm just gonna
go make a quick call.

Okay.

He threw me
a surprise baby shower.

Like, everyone I know is here.

His family, our friends.
Even Jane Brantley is here.

[Maya] Hold on a sec.

Why didn't he tell me about
this?

[Maya] Babe, you're a bit
of a blabbermouth.

Maya, I need you here,
right now.

Please, whatever you're doing,
stop and make this a priority.

I need you to come here now,
okay? Please?

Are you still gonna
break up with him?

Yeah, I'm gonna break up
with him in front of

everybody he knows.
That's a real smart move.

Can you just get here?

'Cause I'm fucking flipping out.
Fucking flipping out.

I'm sorry if my tone is intense,
but I need you.

I just need you here
'cause I'm dying. I'm dying.

I'm dying. I'm dying.
I'm dying. I need you.

I need you. I need you.
Just get here.

Alright, I'll be there in five.

I love you.
I'm obsessed with you. Bye.

Whoo-kay.

Uh...

[indistinct conversations]

[laughs]

♪♪♪

-Oh.
-It's the Pipester.

[Joe] Cameron was right.
This stuff is really good.

Hey, here she is now.
Hey! There's my little lady.

-Hey.
-It's so great to see you guys.

-Ah!
-I'm actually going to read

your new draft tonight.

I've been traveling
the last couple weeks.

Oh, I get it.
No -- No worries.

I -- I -- I can't wait
to hear your thoughts.

Yeah. Well,
I will catch you two later.

There's some fancy-looking
dumplings,

and they're not gonna
eat themselves.

-Nom-nom-nom.
-Hey, so what do you think?

Some surprise party, right?

Yeah, just a quick question.

Um, how did Evan Ebert make
the guest list?

I -- I invited him.
He's your friend, right?

Plus, I -- I kinda felt bad
about freaking out

on him the other night.
-Oh.

-Yeah.
-Well, that's thoughtful.

Oh, hey, Maya's here. Okay.

Hey, hey,
now that everybody's here,

I would like to say
a toast, please.

Hi. Um, so come -- come on.
Let's gather round.

Glasses up.

Well, first off, I want to thank
you all so much for being here.

You know, it's amazing
when we can all

come together --
friends, family --

and celebrate what will be
the birth of our first child.

You know, we all know that this
is a surprise party for Piper,

but you know what?

Mm.

It's not the only surprise.

-[Cameron] Piper...?
-Mm.

I know that the last few months
have been a roller coaster,

to say the least,
and we've had our ups and downs.

But, at the end of the day,

there's nobody I'd rather
start a family with than you.

And I, uh --
I want to do what's right.

-Piper Brennan...
-Oh, God.

...will you marry me?

Yes.
No.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I can't.

I can't do this.

When we went on our first date,

I was -- I was already
three weeks pregnant.

I'm so sorry.

Um, I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

I just wanted to do
what was best for my kid.

Er, what I thought was best.

I didn't want the father
of my baby

to be the father of my baby.

So, I went looking for
a replacement dad.

Sick. I'm sick.
I'm sick. Sick.

But then I found you,
which was great, at first,

because you're you.

But the longer I kept lying,

the more I realized
I don't want to be this person.

You don't deserve that.

My kid doesn't deserve that.

And, uh, the father of my kid
doesn't deserve that.

[breathes deeply]

Evan, that's you.

♪♪♪

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

♪♪♪

[lock clicks, door opens]

This is getting ridiculous.

You've got to get
your life back together.

What life?
I can't write this book.

Cameron's mom is leaving me
all of these, like,

really angry voicemails,

and I keep getting calls
from Cameron's attorney.

To top it all off,
I'm having a baby real soon,

and Evan won't even talk to me.

You're lying on the couch eating
chocolate and covered in filth.

When was the last time
you even showered?

Tuesday.

You did not shower yesterday.

Last Tuesday.

Seriously?

-[crying]
-Oh, don't cry!

[Maya groans]

Evan lives right across
the hall.

-Just go talk to him.
-Oh, yeah. Just talk to Evan.

No big deal.

Look.
Look what happens.

Come on.

Watch.

[knock on door]
Evan.

I know you're in there.

Can we please talk?
Please?

Evan!

Wow, I guess he really does want
nothing to do with you.

I mean, I didn't think
he was gonna forgive me easily.

I just -- I didn't think it was
gonna be like this, you know?

I'm sorry.

[rock music plays]

♪♪♪

Feels no fear
like a twisting river.

You know, it's got to flow.

♪♪♪

♪♪

Thank you all so much for
your support through the years.

It is a pleasure for me.
Cheers to that.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

♪♪♪

Huh?

[both laugh]

♪♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Piper] Um, hi.

Uh, I'm looking for
Deer in Headlights.

We're Deer in Headlights.

Oh, perfect.
Um, do you know where Evan is?

Backstage, doing
his pre-show rituals.

Hi.

Piper.

W-what are you doing here?

You always said you wanted me
to see your band, so...

here I am.
[chuckles nervously]

And other -- other things
that need to be discussed.

Um, it's okay.
It -- Yeah.

I'll start.
Uh...

Evan, I've changed.

Seriously. I -- I've been going
to Lamaze class alone.

Kind of into it.

And, um, I can't bring myself
to write this book.

But it's been a
really good thing,

'cause I was writing
a relationship book,

and I'm not qualified
to give advice on relationships.

I fucking suck at them. Clearly.

So, I got this memoir goin'.

It's about, you know,
my pregnancy and...

the mistakes I've made.

So, maybe you'd want to
take a look at it.

Okay, um,
could you maybe just look at me?

Piper, I'm happy for you.
I -- I really am.

That doesn't change
what you did.

This show is really big for me,
so I'd really appreciate it

if you'd just -- just left me
alone and quit bothering me.

Uh...
[scoffs]

I'm bothering you?

I'm, like, pregnant as fuck
with our child --

Oh, so now you call it
"our child"?

"Our child."

I would have gone my whole life

not knowing I had a kid
because of you.

You know how much that hurts?

[sniffles]
Yeah, I -- I messed up.

So, I'd love to at least
apologize, if you'll hear it.

Fine. Go ahead.

Okay.
Um...

[crying] God, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what
I was thinking.

I'm a sociopath, maybe.
I don't know.

[crying]

I don't think I am,
because sociopaths don't cry.

I've heard.
Anyway...

I get if you don't
want to talk to me,

or know me, but

it would be really great
if you knew your kid.

I think they'd really like you.

'Cause I also like you
just as you are.

[sobbing] That's from
Bridget Jones's Diary!

I just rewatched it!

[crying]

Okay.
[sniffling]

Okay.
[sniffles]

I am sorry.

Those are cool drums,
by the way.

Have a good show.
[sniffles]

[indistinct conversations]

[pop music plays over speakers]

[music stops]

Evan.
Evan! Evan!

What are you doing?

[amplifier humming]

Humming Dove.
Humming Dove.

[Evan breathes deeply, moans]

Hit it!

[rock music plays]

♪ We were worlds apart ♪

♪ Though you lived
just down the hall ♪

♪ You were my everything ♪

♪ But never noticed me at all ♪

♪ Until late that night ♪

♪ It was just like
in my dreams ♪

♪ You gave me everything ♪

♪ But love is
never what it seems ♪

♪ I wanted to be with you ♪

♪ But you had another plan ♪

♪ Too bad for me
that it involved another man ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ It's got to twist and flow
like a river ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ But for us,
I'll always deliver ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ The changing tides
is what makes it true ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ But know I always plan
on loving y-o-o-o-ou ♪

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

That's our new song.

It's called "Plan B."

Sometimes, the first plan
doesn't always work out.

Hit it!

[man] One, two, three, four!

[rock music plays]

♪♪♪

[cheers and applause]

Thank you guys
for coming out tonight.

We're Deer in Headlights!

[cheers and applause]

Evan, that was
quite the performance.

Travis Boyer!
Oh, that's incredible.

What are you --
What are you doing here?

Piper invited me.

Wait, wait.
Don't forget to take my card.

Oh. Yes, uh, thank you.
Thank you.

-Oh, my God. Thank you.
-You guys were so good.

I -- Mm!

Mmm.

You're here, right now.

I mean, actually seeing you here
and -- and inviting Travis?

I mean, man, that's awesome.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for ignoring
you these --

I don't know.
I was really confused at first

'cause I-I-I -- I thought
we used protection, you know?

We did, like, technically,
yeah.

Then I-I-I went
and checked all the condoms,

and they were like
five years expired.

Old. Yeah.

That's -- that's my bad,
but that's on me.

That's on me.

But, no, I --
I wanna be part of that.

I want -- I want our kid
to be our kid.

Maybe we could give this a shot?

I say we give it a shot.

Mm, no.

No?
Wh--

Oh, no.

-Piper?
-No, no, no.

There's a leak in my underwear.

-Oh. So --
-A wetness.

-Not in a hot way.
-You need the bathroom?

No, this is disgusting.
I think my water broke.

-Oh, my! Oh, n--
-So very damp.

Oh, uh, water.
Yeah. Hospital.

-Hospital. We --
-Yeah, let's go.

-Right? Okay.
-Okay.

Yeah. Okay.
Everybody, move!

We're having a baby!

Fall out of my vagina
onto the floor right now.

-Oh, I'm s--
I don't know.

-Breathing exercises.
-Don't run into the doctor.

Hey, where's the
baby delivery station?

-Hi. Hi.
-Hi.

-You know where it is, okay.
-I had them get the room ready.

Everything's okay.
Alright.

-It's right his way.
-Is it warm?

Yes, this is a state-of-the-art
hospital.

-You're hot?
-A little bit.

-I mean, I'm fine.
-Alright, so just --

Can I get rid of the blanket?

Breathe, breathe.

What we talked about
when were in there.

Just breathe in, breathe out
until the baby's en route.

You're doing great.
You're doing great.

Now is not the time to rhyme.

Breathe. Everything's
looking really good.

We're getting really close,
okay?

Okay, give me the ice.
Yeah, ice chips.

-Mm.
-Okay, Doc.

-Doc, I think we're ready.
-Oh!

I'm not -- I'm not hot!

Piper, are you ready
to have a baby?

[screaming]

Okay. Alright.

Humming Dove.
Humming Dove.

[groaning loudly]

Push on three, okay?

-You good?
-One, two...three!

Push, push!
You can do it! Push!

I'm shitting and it burns!
I'm shitting and it burns!

It happens! Come on.

I'm gonna need another push
on three, okay?

One more time, okay, Piper?

-No, no, no, no, no.
-You can do it.

Yes, you can.
Yes, you can, okay?

We're doing it.
I'm so tired.

One, two, three.

Push!
Push!

[Evan÷}
Are you feeling it right now?

-Ow, ow, ow! Okay.
-Push!

Come on! Yes!
Oh, I'm seeing hair.

-You're seeing --
-No, don't look!

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Get back out
if you're not a doctor.

-It called to me, alright?
-You're not a doctor!

-I know.
-Aah!

-One, two...
-Are we pushing?

-Are we pushing right now?
-Three. Push!

-Oh!
-You got one more in you.

-Ready?
-Okay?

One, two, three.

Push!

[screaming]

[baby cries]

It's a girl.

Ha! It's a girl!

[crying]
[baby crying]

You did it. You did it.

It's over. It's over.
You did it.

-Oh, my God.
-We did it.

-It was mostly you.
-[laughing] Okay.

You did so good.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Brennan.

I -- I'm -- I'm Mr. Ebert.
I'm --

Well, we're --
we're not together.

No, we are.

[both laugh]

-Yeah.
-Are you chilly?

Oh, right. Uh...

Here. Here.
I made this for her.

There you go.
There you go.

-You made that?
-Like that?

Yeah, well, I --
when I found out she was mine,

I -- I got right to work.

♪♪♪

That is really sweet.
[laughs]

[Piper]
What should we name her?

[Evan] The top of the list
was Thom Yorke.

[Piper] I mean, I like
Thom Yorke, but --

[Evan] Maybe Yorke?
No?

What about Myrtle?

I love --
I love old-fashioned names.

[Piper]
Okay, keep going, keep going.

[Evan] Cleopatra?
Is that too much?

[Piper] Maybe Cleo.
Maybe we shorten it to Cleo.

That's just fresh.

How do we --
Oh, I see -- Pat.

for Cleopatra.
That's okay.

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