Original subtitles

This is it for certain, okay?

I create a game show.

Two people on stage, right?

They flip a coin.

One of them has to perform

open-heart surgery.

The other one has to receive

open-heart surgery.

We call it

Open-Heart Surgery.

How about this?

You buy a Gulfstream

G-IV jet.

Already interested.

Take the wheels off.

Get 'em off of there.

Turn the jet into

an apartment building.

People could live inside

their own private jet.

We're currently coming up

with business ideas

for Jean-Ralphio

'cause as of today,

his bank account

is blowing up.

I made my money

the old-fashioned way.

I got run over

by a Lexus

I still can't believe

you won all that money

in the lawsuit.

You barely got hurt at all.

Do you want to get run over?

Because I know a guy.

Super gentle.

Minor scrapes and bruises,

major dollars and cents.

I got it.

What are you amazing at?

I know it. We both know it,

let's just say it

at the same time.

Creating spectacles.

...spectacles.

No, I got it.

You create

Pawnee's first and only

high-end, all-media

entertainment conglomerate.

Absolutely. That's absolutely

what I have to do.

What does it mean?

It means audio, video,

movies, 3-D movies,

nightclubs...

Yeah.

...iPhone apps.

If it's entertainment,

you're involved.

Yes, of course I am.

And you call it...

Entertainment 7Twenty.

No!

Why? Why?

You gotta stop screaming.

I will, I just get excited.

Why do we call it

Entertainment 7Twenty?

'Cause you're willing to go

around the world twice

for your clients.

That is unbelievable!

But listen to me,

listen to me.

I'm gonna need you on my team

to pull this off, all right?

I can't do this without you.

I don't know, man. I can't.

I'd have to quit my job.

Okay, I'll do it

without you.

I have some

very important news

about our favorite mini-horse,

Li'l Sebastian.

Yay!

Li'l Sebastian!

He died last night.

No.

But we can take

comfort in the fact

that he is in heaven now,

doing the two things

he loves doing the most.

Eating carrots and

urinating freely.

When I walked in

this morning and saw

the flag was at half-mast,

I thought, "All right.

"Another bureaucrat ate it."

But then I found out

it was Li'l Sebastian.

Half-mast is too high.

Show some damned respect.

Because of all he's

done for the town,

we are gonna be holding

a small memorial

service for him.

But for now,

I think we

should bow our heads

in a moment of silence.

I got it, thank you.

It's times like this,

when someone,

or some horse, passes,

that you really take

stock of your life.

You look around you,

and you start to realize

what it is

that you truly care about.

For Li'l Sebastian,

I imagine it was

good fresh oats,

a trough of water,

and a willing sexual partner.

Or non-willing.

He was a horse, so I think

they had to do it either way.

Hey...

Hey, Ann, how's it going?

You don't have to pretend.

I know you're supposed to

meet Leslie here.

But I'm also curious

about how it's going.

Mmm-hmm. Leslie's busy,

she's working on

the Li'l Sebastian

memorial service.

But you know what?

She did give me

this note to give to you,

and she also wanted me

to kiss you deeply,

which I'm going

to have to pass on.

Okay.

I really like my new

part-time job here.

My office mate

moved down the hall

so I have this

whole room just for me.

And Ben and Leslie,

who secretly meet here...

...forty times a day.

She drew a kiss monster

on the note.

Yeah.

Look, you guys are

totally welcome to use

my office,

just don't do

anything on my desk.

Oh, we don't... You know.

We just like to

work in the same place,

and then we talk

and hold hands.

Yuck, that's somehow worse.

Yeah, it sounded

bad when I said it.

From now on, we stop mourning

Li'l Sebastian's death,

and we start

celebrating his life.

That's what he

would have wanted.

Amen.

We need to send

that glorious beast

into the great beyond

with a display that rivals

the Super Bowl half-time show.

Also, the budget is $600.

So maintenance is

gonna set up the stage.

Ron will be laying

the ceremonial wreath.

Leslie, there's

a 13th century Italian poem

by Dante Alighieri

that would be

very appropriate.

Oh, Jerry,

that sounds wonderful.

Okay, Andy, I need you

to write a memorial song.

Something like

Candle in the Wind,

but 5,000 times better.

Easy.

Hey, if you want

a song from Andy Dwyer,

lead singer of Mouse Rat,

you should know

he doesn't get out of bed

for less than $1,000.

Well, he sleeps on a futon,

so we can give him 50 bucks.

Sold.

Okay, here is

a memo with some facts

about Li'l Sebastian.

I think you'll find yours

particularly interesting.

It's just a list of facts.

What?

Okay, mine says,

"You have a cute butt."

That's weird.

Must be a typo.

Yeah, Jerry,

it's probably a typo,

because it

probably should've said,

"You have a cube butt."

'Cause your butt's

shaped like a cube.

Yeah.

The question is,

why is my memo different

than everyone else's?

Cube butt, cube butt.

Cube butt, cube butt.

Well, the good news is

this is just tendonitis.

How is that good news?

The other option

was shoulder cancer.

Really?

No.

Look, you exercise a lot.

You're in great shape.

Little things like this happen

with men of your age.

Men of my age?

How old do you think I am?

Forty-two.

I am 44, and I plan

to live to be 150.

Okay.

So. What's the cure?

Get a time machine.

Go back to being 20.

Dr. Harris, you are literally

the meanest person

I have ever met.

Okay, all the permits cleared

for the horse funeral.

What was that tone?

What?

Oh, nothing.

I'm very sad about this.

Question! Who's a genius?

Answer, Tom Haverford.

Reason,

Jean-Ralphio just started

an exclusive,

high-end production company,

and he's willing to

put on Li'l Sebastian's

memorial service

pro bono,

just for the pub.

Pub is an abbreviation

for publicity.

Jean-Ralphio is a clown.

This is the memorial

for Li'l Sebastian,

not double-coupon night

at a strip club.

First off, double-coupon night

is an incredible value.

Secondly, this guy

just started a business.

He's my friend.

It would really

help him out.

Plus, I'm gonna

oversee everything and

make sure it goes great.

Okay, Tom, we trust you.

Make us proud.

Make him proud.

Why don't you just

Photoshop that out?

Hi, Ann Perkins.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm dying.

What?

Tendonitis.

Oh.

I don't know if

you should lead

with "I'm dying."

You're right,

you're right. So.

What's up with you?

I'm just helping Leslie

plan Li'l Sebastian's

memorial service.

Li'l Sebastian died?

That's terrible.

Yeah, well, he was old,

and he had a lot of ailments.

Like tendonitis?

I don't know.

I don't have his

chart in front of me.

Could you get it?

What? No...

There's no chart.

Oh, my God.

Death is inescapable.

Goodbye, Ann Perkins.

Okay, so I'm meeting

him in a few minutes.

How do I look?

What are you going for?

Sophisticated with

a hint of slutty.

Bulls-eye.

So nice to see you

so happy about a guy.

Thanks. I don't know.

When I look at

my life right now,

it feels almost perfect.

I mean,

we have to sneak around,

but weirdly,

it's kind of fun

that nobody knows.

I could see that.

Enough about me.

How's Ann?

I'm pretty happy

right now, generally.

Although I did

see Chris today.

He always just throws me off.

I don't want to

talk about Chris.

Every time I hear his name,

I think about the fact

that he's gonna find out

about me and Ben,

and he's gonna

fire both of us.

And about how

much he hurt you.

Yeah, there you go.

Yeah.

Hello, Leslie.

How long have you

been sleeping with Ben?

What?

How long have you

been sleeping with Ben?

That's disgusting and wrong.

I don't even get...

Why would... I...

I've never had sex

with anyone anywhere.

It's none of your...

You have the nerve,

the audacity...

Ben is my boss,

technically.

And he is terrible,

facewise.

And how...

How do I know, frankly,

that you're not

sleeping with him?

Maybe you are.

Maybe you're trying

to throw me off.

Hmm. Check and mate.

This is an outrage!

Who do I call?

Hey, hey.

Hey, Ron.

Listen, you're just

who I was looking for.

Are you...

Did you forget the...

Did you...

Can I get that thing?

Can we just...

Did you bring it?

This isn't convincing.

How did you find out?

We've worked together

for a while now.

I'd like to think I

know you pretty well.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me

last night.

Okay, okay.

And this is how Eleanor

Roosevelt would kiss.

Whoa.

Eleanor likes the tongue.

Hey, show me Pelosi again.

Okay, lay down.

Please tell me you hung up

before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Unfortunately not.

This is a scandal

waiting to happen.

If you get caught,

which you clearly will,

Chris will fire you.

And I won't be

able to stop him.

Ron, we're being

very careful.

Oh,

President Reagan,

my blazer popped open.

Well, Maggie Thatcher,

let me help you with that.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride

to this summit meeting.

Our countries

have had a very...

Okay.

Yes.

...special relationship...

Oh, no!

You've proven your point.

In my heart,

I'm sad you had to die.

Li'l horse, spread your

wings and learn to fly.

Horses don't fly.

That's why

I'm telling him,

"learn to fly."

Come on, help me.

There's a lot riding on this.

This is what Li'l Sebastian's

gonna listen to

in horsey heaven.

Okay, let me hear

your favorite one so far.

You're a champion

little horse

And you're dead

You're

the champion of death

You're

the champion of death

Maybe try to do one

without the word

"dead" so much.

Or "death"

or "you're dead."

See?

You're helping me already.

So the only people that know

are my mom, Ann, and Ron.

And they're not

gonna say anything.

Right. Just no more

fooling around at work.

Okay, yeah. We can't.

Well, I mean, you know,

a situation could arise

where you do something good,

and I congratulate you.

Like, with

a professional hug.

You know,

kind of like this,

"Oh, congratulations."

That feels appropriate.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I think we can

get away with that

as long as we don't

do stuff like this.

Hey, lovebirds.

What do I do with this?

You can just

leave it there.

Okay.

So my mom,

Ron, Ann, and that guy.

For the memorial ribbons?

No doubt.

Which one floats your penis?

They're all black.

Maybe to the layman,

Jerry.

Obsidian, onyx, midnight,

lost soul, rolling blackout,

sleeping panther,

and void by Armani.

Hey, Jerry, does this

look black to you, too?

Ann.

So glad I found you.

Can I talk to

you for a minute?

Um, okay.

I need to ask you

a question,

and if you're uncomfortable

answering it right now,

you can take some time

and think about it.

That would be okay.

Okay.

Is tendonitis symptomatic

of something larger?

Really, that's the question

you wanted to ask me?

I'm just very worried.

I'm not sure

that this doctor's

been properly trained.

You know what, Chris?

I'm sorry, but I'm not

your nurse,

and I'm not your

girlfriend and...

I thought I was twice,

and I was wrong,

which was embarrassing.

I'm just not ready

to be your friend.

Of course. I'm sorry.

I do hope we can be

friends before I die.

Hi, friend.

Hey.

Hey.

What you saw was not

what you think it is.

I was just

congratulating her because

she got some good news.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

We were both kind of

up for this thing,

this really...

I won

the MacArthur Genius Grant.

Yeah.

Yeah, so that's what

the hug was all about.

Sure. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

We'll cover

your duties here.

You should just take

the rest of the day off.

Oh, that's a good idea.

You should do that

and you should

get a massage.

I have a gift certificate,

actually. My mom gave it

to me for you.

Oh, my God.

Yes!

That's so nice.

Okay. Well, thanks.

Thank you.

And thank you for

your discretion.

You got it.

It was great to

see you, George.

Yes.

Welcome, everyone.

Sebastian may have

been li'l,

but his impact on this town

and the Parks Department

was anything but li'l.

I would like to

introduce his owners,

Michael and Elizabeth Stone

and two of his

closest friends.

Cue music and lights, and...

Go Ladybug, go Coconut.

Coconut and Ladybug

both in position.

Not only was

Coconut a friend,

but she was also a lover.

Our deepest

sympathy is with you.

Coconut just took

a dump on the stage.

We gotta clean that up.

Code red. Coconut

just took a dump onstage.

Hey, Leslie.

The maintenance

guy bailed on us.

No one knows where he is.

He had the fuel for

the eternal flame.

No way.

That guy left?

What a...

Okay. Start

the video presentation.

I'll deal with it.

All right.

Jerry, I need you to

go get some propane.

No, what about my poem?

No one wants you

to read a poem,

okay, Jerry?

What everyone wants,

what Li'l Sebastian wants,

is for you to get propane.

Fine. I'll do it

for Li'l Sebastian.

Now we have

a special presentation,

courtesy of the folks

at Entertainment 7Twenty.

Hope you brought

a change of clothes.

'Cause your eyes are

about to piss tears.

You nasty.

Who are we?

Where are we going in life?

What is the meaning

of all of this?

These are

questions Li'l Sebastian

never had to answer

because he was a horse.

Instead, he just brought us

joy and happiness.

And isn't that the point?

You gotta join the company.

I'm the bank.

You're the money.

I know, J,

but it'd be a big leap.

And I will take

that leap with you.

I'm Thelma,

you're Louise.

You can't die

full of regret.

Why don't you live your life

like that cow from the video?

He was a horse.

Yeah.

Because he followed

his dreams.

There was no

obstacle too large.

No mountain too high.

No valley too low.

Li'l Sebastian

had a long life,

filled with wonder.

Good night, Li'l Sebastian.

Forever.

We'd like to

encourage everyone

to buy our merchandise.

All the proceeds will go

towards Li'l Sebastian's

favorite charity,

the Afghan

Institute of Learning.

Next, we have

a special musical tribute

by Mr. Andy Dwyer.

What's 5,000 times better

than a candle in the wind?

This song is called

5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Up in horsey heaven

Here's the thing

You trade your legs

for angel's wings

And once we've

all said goodbye

You take a running leap

and you learn to fly

Bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian

I miss you in

the saddest fashion

Bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian

You're 5,000

candles in the wind

Hey,

why is Perd Hapley unveiling

the memorial stone?

Because Joe from sewage

had to hand out the armbands,

and Perd had to

fill in for Mortenson,

and Mortenson had to

fill in for Howser.

Okay, well,

why couldn't Donna do it?

Because Donna's reading

Jerry's Italian poem.

This is sort of a mess.

No, it's okay, we're...

What the hell, Leslie?

I thought I was supposed to

lay the ceremonial wreath.

Why is Councilman

Howser doing it?

Because you are doing

something better.

You are lighting

the memorial flame,

which is

the greatest honor of all.

Oh, my God.

Ron, congratulations.

I saved it for you, Ron.

Who caught you guys?

A very nosy

maintenance worker,

and we talked to him,

and now we're all friends,

and he's not gonna

tell on us.

It's totally fine.

I think if you would know

one thing about me,

it would be that I

prefer laying wreaths

to lighting torches.

I have cried twice

in my life.

Once when I was seven,

and I was hit

by a school bus.

And then again

when I heard that Li'l

Sebastian had passed.

His memory will live on,

as today we light a fire

that will burn

on for eternity.

Okay, deep breath.

I think we got through it.

Thank God.

Yeah.

Hey, Jerry, you put propane

in the eternal flame, right?

No, they were out.

So I just got a big

thing of lighter fluid.

It's kind of the same thing.

Huh? Oh!

We planned that!

Wow, wow!

We planned that.

Yay!

Please, Ron,

I am very sorry.

I guess I put too

much fuel in the torch.

Oh, I don't know, Jerry.

I think you're

being hard on yourself.

Ron, are you mad at me?

'Cause without eyebrows,

I can't really tell.

Ron Swanson loves

his facial hair.

And we burned it off.

This thing that we're doing,

it's unsustainable.

What, you want

to break up?

What? No. I like you.

Well, then...

You want to tell Chris.

What? No. I like my job.

Well, then, what do we do?

Okay, operation shutdown.

No more secret hand-holding.

No more smooching

in Ann's office.

In fact, when we're at work,

we just shouldn't talk

to each other at all.

Okay, well,

that's gonna be really hard,

and we could still get fired.

I know.

But it's worth the risk

if I can be with you.

All right.

Well, then, I'm in.

What are you doing?

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.

No, it's force of habit.

So what do I do, Ron?

Do I stay here

or roll the dice

with Jean-Ralphio?

I can't tell you what to do.

Go with your gut.

My gut's really small.

It's easily irritated.

I need someone to guide me.

You have no interest

in government work,

and you slow everything down

with your selfish attitude.

I'd love for you to

stick around, Tommy.

It'll be damn hard

to replace you.

But I'll support

you either way.

Two of my lovers

in one place.

What a coincidence.

Tammy.

Hello, Ron.

Ooh, what happened here?

And more importantly,

does the carpet

match the face?

If you're looking for trouble,

take it somewhere else.

An hour ago, a giant fireball

consumed my entire face.

And it was far preferable

to spending another second

with you.

Tell that

to your pants-tent.

It's just

the way I'm standing.

Go back to the library,

where you belong.

Hey, Glenn.

Wanna dance?

No, I'm okay.

Just one dance?

No.

With mommy?

You know, tendonitis

is usually caused by overuse.

Have you been working

out more than usual?

I did do 10,000

push-ups last week.

Oh, really.

That might have

something to do with it.

You need to relax.

You're in great shape.

For a 44-year-old.

Yeah. That's how old

you are, man.

You're right.

I've been overreacting.

I don't like

thinking about death.

Death is the opposite of...

Being alive?

Exactly.

Look at us.

Talking like friends.

Yeah.

What the hell. Friends.

Ann Perkins.

Chris Traeger.

What's the point in

doing 10,000 push-ups

if you're gonna do them alone?

I'd much rather

do 5,000 push-ups

with a wonderful woman.

Sitting on my back to

increase my resistance.

Copy of our new hit single,

5,000 Candles in the Wind,

and the new full-length CD,

The Awesome Album.

Eighteen bucks each,

$40 for the set.

That doesn't add up.

You don't add up.

Okay.

Honey,

you are awesome at this.

Thanks.

April, I need

to ask you something,

and it's the biggest thing

I've ever asked anybody

in my entire life.

Honey,

we're already married.

No, this is way more

important than that.

April Ludgate,

would you be my manager?

Seriously?

Okay. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Are you Leslie Knope?

Yes.

My name is William Barnes.

Do you have a minute

to talk?

Sure.

We really enjoyed

the service.

That fireball

was truly amazing.

I'm glad.

'Cause it was planned.

And you were also responsible

for the Harvest Festival,

correct?

Well, a lot of people

contributed to that.

You don't have to be modest.

We know it was you.

You did an amazing job.

Thank you.

We are part of a group

that tries to identify

potential candidates

for political office

here in town.

And we think that

you might fit the bill.

Oh.

Wow.

Which office in particular?

Well, there are

a couple city council seats

we think are vulnerable.

And the mayor's term

is up next year.

All we need to

know right now is

are you

theoretically interested

in running for office?

Absotootly, I am.

Very sorry that I

just used that word.

But yes. I just...

I've dreamed about this moment

for a long time.

Guess I'll be

heading home.

Catching the number 12 bus

to Satan's butthole?

Actually, I prefer

the number 69 train

to Humpsville station.

Red alert, Swanson.

Your ex-wife is back.

No kidding, Donna.

Not her.

The other ex-wife.

Tammy One.

She's in your office.

Would I have to

quit my job?

Well, that's

a long way off.

Of course.

But listen.

When you run,

even in a local election,

your life

becomes an open book.

So if you so much as

stiff a waiter on his tip

or use a government

stamp for personal mail,

it will come out.

So before

we go any further,

I need you to tell me,

is there

a scandal out there?

Is there anything at

all you need to tell us

about your life?

Nope.

All right.

Well, we'll be in touch.

Yeah, I think we can

do that for a million.

Okay, we'll talk soon.

There was no one

on the other end

of that phone call,

but soon there will be.

Welcome to the Dreamatorium,

A.K.A. the headquarters

of Entertainment 7Twenty.

It's only two blocks

away from City Hall,

but it's a whole

new world over here.

We got a pool table,

a ping-pong table,

a lounge area,

a couch with a ceiling on it,

in-house DJ. DJ Blunt.

And best of all,

former NBA

superstar Detlef Schrempf

is on retainer.

What's up, Detlef?

Hey,

Jean-Ralphio, who's sitting

in my clear purple desk?

What?

Who's this person?

Are you talking about

this little sweetie

right here?

Yeah.

That is our new assistant,

Tessa.

I saw her

sweating real sexy on

the StairMaster at Bally's.

I need petty cash.

My iPhone cover's gross

and I need to get a new one.

Get it to match

your personality.

Petty cash, money bowl.

Go diving.

Gross.

Why do we keep

our petty cash in

a clear plastic toilet bowl?

I don't know,

maybe 'cause we're...

Flush with cash

So, Tom, what does

this business do, again?

It's a multimedia

entertainment

production conglomerate.

I don't know, man.

You have a lot

of overhead here.

Ever thought about

scaling back a bit

and focusing on

building your client base?

Thanks a lot,

Forbes magazine.

But we didn't hire you

to give us business advice.

We hired you to look pretty

and shoot baskets.

So why don't you

head over there

and do your thing?

We want people to see you

when they come in, Detlef.

We may not have

any clients yet,

but we're about to blow up.

First you set up the pond,

then you reel in the fish.

Big D, hit me!

Uh-oh, uh-oh,

uh-oh, uh-oh.

Come on.

We're living the dream.