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Angela, we certainly recognize the conflicting emotions you must feel as both
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educator and administrator, but...
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Do we get our raise or not?!
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Better! A new coffee maker in the teachers' lounge.
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That's not an offer, that's an insult! Now, as head of the Lawndale Teacher's
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Union, I...
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With some of those international flavors you can just squirt right out of a
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bottle. Mmm...
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Ooh, I like what I'm seeing...
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Ms. Li changing her support hose again?
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That's another habit that will lead to blindness, Upchuck.
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But in this case you'll wish for it.
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Your concern touches me, ladies but we've got a cat-and-dogfight here. Me-ouch!
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And it's about to get strike-o-licious.
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Give us our ten percent or we'll walk!
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Oh, you will, will you? Well, I hope for your sake your negotiating skills have
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improved since the last time you tried to pull this stunt... or have you
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forgotten that the dental insurance was contingent on your teaching a sewing class?
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Grr...
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Did you hem those pants yourself?
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That's it! We strike!
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Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please.
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Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
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No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.
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In an unprecedented show of spine - I mean, spite - your teachers have
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announced a strike. However, school will continue just as before.
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It just won't involve teachers.
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Class... you may have noticed I'm not your usual teacher.
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If only we didn't have our usual students.
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For our first lesson, let's learn each other's names. I'm Mrs. Stoller.
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Got it! Man, this class is going to be a breeze!
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And you are?
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I'm the Q.B.!
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Posture, Cubie, posture.
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We think he's doing very well, considering how he missed out on evolution.
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And what's your name, dear?
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Daria.
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That sounds like a hippie name. I think I'll call you Darlene. So much prettier.
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We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny! You don't pay us enough to
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buy honey!
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I don't know... this chant...
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It sucks!
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Hey! I threw out the rhyme about the bunny!
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Um, Anthony... haven't most great labor movements throughout history featured a
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stirring song?
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Great idea! Make one up!
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Oh. Well, um... let me see...
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"Well, I came to sunny Lawndale with a smile and a degree..."
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Hmm, no... uh... oh!
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"I've been teaching here in Lawndale on rather
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modest pay... " No, that's not quite forceful enough.
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True literature should inspire us to seek new experiences, to explore new sensations...
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Mr. Edwards?
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Call me Ken.
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Um, Ken, this is almost interesting, but seeing as how you're only the
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substitute teacher, perhaps you can give us our book assignments and we can be
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on our way.
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Ah, but what to assign? You see, the only books worth reading are those written
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in the deep, passionate waters of life.
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So, like Jaws?
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No, no, like the novel I'm writing. It's about a slightly older, sensitive man
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and the love a budding woman child feels for him when she gets to know him better.
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What... ?
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See... love can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding
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flower to full blossom.
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You're writing about gardening?
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And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel
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he's writing!
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Mm-hmm...
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About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
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Mm-hmm...
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And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair
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and telling her about his anguished soul...
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Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
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I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
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Daria! Get me the...
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Thank you.
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Oh, Tiffany... Tiffany... I never got to hear you call me "Ken."
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Attention! Will Miss Daria Morgendorffer please report to the principal's office.
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Now!
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Darlene? Where are you going?
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To get Daria.
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If someone asked me to teach a class, I'd be honored. Besides, we wouldn't be in
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this fix if it weren't for your mother.
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Yeah. Hire one pedophile and she gets all bent out of shape.
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Besides, I'm not thinking of me. I'm thinking of the children.
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Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class.
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You? A scab?
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Oh, great. Touched by an angel.
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You'd be betraying your teachers.
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Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers!
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You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep
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wages low and workers weak.
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Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
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Huh. That's a good point.
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Hey, you hungry?
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Yeah, we can pick this up later.
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Ms. Morgendorffer, I'm waiting...
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This is a waste of time, especially with today being the first day of Cashman's
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Cruisewear Craziness.
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Attention, young people! Mr. Edwards will no longer be joining us due to... reasons.
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I hope it's not his anguish acting up.
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But I am proud to introduce a substitute with tolerable credentials, who is far
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less liable to engender a lawsuit that could cost me my very pants.
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Hello. My name is Miss Darlene and I'll be your new teacher.
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Look on the bright side. It's not every student who has access to their teacher
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24 hours a day.
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But I don't want access! Home is my sanitarium away from school.
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Does this mean we can just do our parent-teacher conferences here?
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Hello, free time for model railroading!
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Morning, Mom... Dad... class.
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Mo-om! Augh!
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What's wrong with her?
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It's her grades, or rather, it will be.
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Daria...
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Whoo-whoo! All aboard the Big Jake Express!
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"Now, class, let's check the evenness of your box stitch."
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No. No. Never again!
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"On top of our paychecks, right under the date, there sits a small number we've
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all grown to hate... " I don't know, hate is such an ugly word.
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Cool tune, man. Classic feel.
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Wait. I know you!
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You're on Spiral's mailing list?
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No, you were one of my students. Trent Lane.
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Um...
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Trent, do you remember how you and your friends used to write "down with the
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man" on my car with soap?
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Just let it go, man. I mean, bygones, right?
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Well, Trent, today "the man" is coming down on us, the underpaid teachers of
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Lawndale High, and we could really use the help of a talented songwriter.
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I don't know.
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This is a chance to focus your energy on a cause worthy of your talent, your
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knowledge, your virtuosity!
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I don't have to read music, do I?
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No!
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Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up, and all I had to
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do was set his clock ahead four hours.
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I don't think he's adjusted to the time change. He appears to be writing a song
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with Mr. O'Neill.
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He's too good-natured. If a teacher tried to take advantage of me like that, I'd
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tell them right where to stick it.
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Jane, thank God. We need your taste and talent.
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Go on, Jane, offer that piece of friendly advice you just mentioned.
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Ms. Barch's signs? Well, they aren't really getting our message across. Could
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you help us design some strong graphic statements? I'll write a note to get you
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out of class. Oh, wait, I guess I can't.
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No, but the scab can.
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Gee, thanks, Mr. Hoffa.
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"Your salary offends me, your health plan... "
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"Doesn't mend me?"
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You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, we can just stop right now.
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And so, the people asked George Washington, "Will you be our new king?" And
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Washington said... young lady, you're tardy.
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Gee, he wasn't very focused.
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I have a note from a teacher.
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"Please excuse Jane from class. Signed: Miss Darlene." Well, on your way, then.
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Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title
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didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
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Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
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Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
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Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and
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peeks in their windows.
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Romeo and Juliet.
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A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet
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and stare them down.
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You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
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That's what I just said.
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Hello, Ms. Morgendorffer! How lovely you look today.
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Hey, Daria. Could you write me a note that says I didn't put that dent in my
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dad's car?
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And can we have one to get out of class so we can make out...
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scholarship applications?
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Nice. Nice. Remember, nothing says "death to the bosses!" like primaries.
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Pastels are for appeaseniks.
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"Have you ever been to the children's zoo? When the birdies say 'cheep,' they're
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talking 'bout you!"
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Nah...
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Good news, everyone! I just came from Ms. Li's office and she's made a final offer.
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A .08% pay hike and free non-dairy creamer! And Anthony, she says you can
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put away your sewing kit. So what does everyone say?
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Anthony, is something the matter?
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My dear Mrs. Bennett. As an informed consumer, you should know that non-dairy
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creamer offers no sustenance whatsoever... and neither does that offer!
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This is the contract we wrote, and this is the contract she's going to sign!
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Cover me, boys. I'm going in!
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What are you looking for, Jane?
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Bombers. He'll never make it without air support.
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"For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her... Romeo."
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Thank you, Joey, Jeffy or Jamie. Laurence Olivier, in his present state,
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couldn't have done better.
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Cool!
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What does "woe" mean?
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It like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.
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Whoa!
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See?
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Quinn, are you taking notes?
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Um, no. I'm just, er, writing so that girl thinks I'm paying attention when I'm
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not really.
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Who cares what a teacher thinks? They're such losers.
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Yeah. Eww...
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She's not a real teacher, Sandi. She's a substitute.
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Oh. A substitute loser.
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Okay. You've read the play. Tomorrow you take the test.
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Sorry. Orders from above. I'd suggest you cheat off your neighbors, but
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considering who most of you are sitting next to...
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Quinn, I hope that substitute you've been making excuses for won't be holding us
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to the same rigid grading standards as everyone else. Perhaps you should remind
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her how popular we are.
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But she's weird. I don't think she even cares about popular people.
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See, there you go, sticking up for her again. It's almost as if you two share
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some deep, dark secret that might inadvertently come out if tomorrow's test
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proves too difficult.
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Hey, how about asking them this: "If Verona had had metal detectors, would
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Mercutio be alive today?"
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If he were, he'd be about 400 years old.
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That's why they'll all get it wrong. Trick question, yeah!
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Gee, I wonder why no one's ever asked you to teach a class.
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Daria, you know the test tomorrow? It's going to be easy, right? Because if you
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make it really hard, some popular people won't like it and might take it out on
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another completely innocent popular person, and besides, it's good to help the
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popular, because if you don't, it might make you even more unpopular, although
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I don't know if such a thing is possible.
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Ooh, wouldn't want to risk that.
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So you'll do it?
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Right after I change into my fur bikini.
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Daria!
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You know, I didn't ask for this stupid teaching job. I don't need the work and
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I don't need the stigma. I've tried to make the class interesting and focus on
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the play, not the grades. And if, after all that, the only thing your vapid friends
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can think about is how to finesse taking the test, then they deserve to fail it.
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Daria, do you want everyone to hate you?
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Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them!
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I... I... you don't understand anything!
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Hmm, maybe you should make it easy. Give the poor kids a break.
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I lied about the fur bikini.
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Damn!
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Stupid smoke pellets get stuck so damn easy... doesn't even look like real
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smoke! Hey, Quinn! You got a hat pin?
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A what? I don't have time for your crazy jokes, Dad. I have to study for this
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stupid test Daria is making us take on Romeo and Juliet.
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Hey! I remember that play. Sit down. Let old Jakey help you with your studies.
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Now, if I recall, Romeo meets Juliet by this big, bubbly cauldron...
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No, Dad, she's at this party he crashes with his friend Mercutio.
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Right! The little wooden boy!
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No, Dad, he's Romeo's pal, but he gets stabbed to death by Tybalt.
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Tybalt? Tybalt?
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So Romeo kills Tybalt, and then Juliet's dad says she has to marry Paris, so she
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pretends she's dead...
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Tybalt sounds like the name of a rock.
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And when Paris sees her... Wait... I know this stuff! Um, got to go. Thanks!
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Any time! Paris? Wait, that not Romeo and Juliet. That's The Pink Panther!
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Damn smoke pellet! Where did I put that hat pin?!
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Don't think you can intimiate... intermolate... don't think you can scare me
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with your threat to picket naked!
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You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night.
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I want to picket naked!
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All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.
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Boy! It's getting hot in here!
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Now, class, sit up straight, and no talking while you take your test.
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"Name the colors on the American flag?" Hey, no fair! You didn't say we had to
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know that!
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Cubie, you hush! And posture, Cubie, posture!
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Yes, Jamie, Joey or Jeffy?
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Um, my test only has one question on it.
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That's right. What is Romeo and Juliet about? Just write what you think and back
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it up. 200 words, minimum.
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An essay test?
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200 words?
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Think... ?
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"You call this compensation? You keep your long vacation! You're forcing us to
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salary arbitration! Mama said strike you out! Yeah!"
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My work here is done.
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What do you think of the song, Anthony?
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Anthony? Oh my gosh! He's still up there with Ms. Li!
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Anthony? Angela? Any progress?
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Oh no, they've killed each other! Dear God, when will the madness stop?!
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Oh, Puffy, you don't need a weapon to make me do your bidding... Huh? What?
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Oh, they're not dead.
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What a relief. Get up!
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Thank God. I thought I signed the contract, but it was just a bad dream.
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I knew it! But it seemed so real... and you were there... and you... and you!
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What's that in your hand? Give me that!
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The contract! Anthony, you did it!
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Here are your tests. I don't think I've ever written so many "A's". You're the
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smartest and biggest first graders I've ever had.
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Thanks!
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What a surprise. An "A" and a silver star.
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Don't get too full of yourself. I got a gold star.
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I got a gold star, too, and a "C"! Oh... red, white and blue!
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Hey, no fair! How come Brittany got a star and I didn't?
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Boys with bad posture don't get stars. And Cubie, it's not nice to try to fool
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the teacher by signing your test "Kevin"!
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A "B"! You mean you think Mercutio had a thing for Romeo, too?
294
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No, but you argued your point well, and I thought your ideas for keeping him out
295
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of the locker room were original, if a little closed-minded.
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A "D-minus"? I should have known Quinn would fail us.
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I should have failed you, too. See, in Shakespeare's version, Romeo never goes
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00:16:59,570 --> 00:17:04,470
by the name "Leonardo" or takes a swim in his clothes, but I gave you extra
299
00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:08,480
credit for realizing that the movie and the play were somehow connected.
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I guess we shouldn't have copied each other.
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Hey!
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Gee, Quinn. What a surprise you got a "B-plus". I guess having a certain
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00:17:16,610 --> 00:17:20,012
relationship with a certain teacher really paid off.
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00:17:20,090 --> 00:17:23,750
Um, Sandi, I thought she was fairly easy on the grading, as long as you tried to
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think for yourself.
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Oh, really? I guess everything's relative.
307
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Sandi... ever since they asked this girl to take over the class from that creepy
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00:17:31,330 --> 00:17:34,650
guy who wanted to fertilize Tiffany, it seems to me all she tried to do was make
309
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:38,100
the best of a bad situation. Maybe we should cut her some slack.
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00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:42,690
See? There she goes, taking sides again. You two are so nice to each other,
311
00:17:42,950 --> 00:17:44,320
you're almost like sisters.
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00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:48,590
I'm not taking anyone's side, Sandi. I'm just saying that sometimes people get
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00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:52,650
put in awkward positions. Like a girl who has to wear huge braces in fifth
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grade, and years later her brothers find pictures of her with them and give
315
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,470
those pictures to a friend, who hasn't shown them to anyone out of the goodness
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of her heart... yet.
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Oh.
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Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all... she's my sister.
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Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
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Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
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We were just being polite about it.
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People of Mars!
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I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader...
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um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers... the teachers... the strike's
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over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni... day.
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00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,670
Um... Miss Darlene? I think you were, um... you were a pretty good teacher.
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Thanks, Jamie, Jeffy or Joey. For the record, some of you aren't half-bad
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students. You know who you are.
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It's quite a web sight when Civil War buffs get in the buff!
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"www-dot-gettysbare," next on Sick, Sad World!
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00:19:03,846 --> 00:19:08,275
I already told you, I'm not signing your National Rayon Day petition.
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00:19:08,350 --> 00:19:11,670
Um... you know that grade you gave me? Sandi says I only got it because you're
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always at my house. Is that true?
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Let me pose you a question, Grasshopper. If I gave you a grade that you didn't
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earn, that would be acting nice. Could I face myself if I were ever nice to you?
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Really?! I thought so!
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And by the way, don't think I could ever be nice to you, either.
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I'm fully aware of that.
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God only knows what this little foray of yours into teacher geekland cost me in
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social status.
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I feel your pain.
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Well. Good night, then.
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Good night... sis.
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Yes! I endured! My wits didn't fail! My strength didn't fail! I didn't fail!
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I got that contract, and if I can do that, I can do anything! Even teach Kevin.
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So tell me, sonny boy... which war freed us from the iron hand of British rule?
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00:20:04,810 --> 00:20:07,798
Iron... iron... the Golf War?
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00:20:11,448 --> 00:20:14,353
Mr. DeMartino? Do you want to share?
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The joy of teaching didn't last very long with this one.
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You got to grab it while you can.
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Written by Peter Elwell
www.outpost-daria.com
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00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:25,234
Synchro by Atrabilogie
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