Original subtitles

DEFENSE ATTORNEYS WHO DEFEND THEM.

THIS IS ONE OF THEIR STORIES.

JUST FINISHED UP WITH THE CLERK.

HE'S SHOOK UP BUT OKAY.

SAID THE GUY JUST FLIPPED OUT, STARTED DANCING LIKE

COME

MICHAEL JACKSON, THEN SHOWED A GUN AND ROBBED THE PLACE.

PERP WAS A BLACK MALE, AROUND 19, REALLY SEXY --

SEXY?

EXACTLY HOW SEXY?

DIMPLES, "HONEY BROWN" COMPLEXION, CHISELED ABS, EXTRA

SHINY CHAP-STICKED LIPS...

Huey: THIS IS WOODCREST -- AN

DAMN, THAT IS SEXY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE 19-YEAR-OLD BLACK MALE THAT MATCHES THAT

SEXY PROFILE.

PRETTY BOY FLIZZY.

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

UM, ONLY THE HOTTEST UP-AND-COMING R&B STAR!

HERE IS WHERE ROBERT JEBEDIAH FREEMAN, WAR

YOU'VE HEARD OF HIS SONGS -- "TITTY TELETHON"?

"PLEASURE ME ORALLY"?

"DON'T TOUCH MY ANUS, GIRL"?

HOW WOULD I HAVE HEARD THIS?

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD, "YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH!"

ALL DAY LONG ON THE RADIO, THAT'S ALL I HEAR, EVEN ON THE

Huey: WE'RE RIGHT HERE, GRANDDAD.

WHITE STATIONS.

NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD "YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH!"

WE ARE LEAVING WOODCREST FOREVER.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

EH, IT'S NOT MY THING, BUT IT'S WHAT PASSES FOR R&B NOW,

ALL RIGHT?

Huey: NOW, THAT'S TRUE, GRANDDAD.

I GOT TEENAGE DAUGHTERS.

THEY'RE INTO BLACK GUYS, SO THIS IS WHAT I GOT TO HEAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN BLACK SINGERS WOULD

DRESS IN HIGH-HEEL BOOTS OR BURN HOOKERS WITH CRACK PIPES?

BUT NOTHING WORKED OUT AS PLANNED.

YOU'RE SHOWING YOUR AGE, MY FRIEND.

FLIZZY'S IN TOWN, DOING A SHOW AT WOODCREST POST PAVILION

ANOTHER, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR MOVIN' US HERE.

I WAS HOPING TO GO.

NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE.

I'M TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.

Riley: WELL, I SAY IT'S ABOUT TIME!

I BEEN SAYIN' THIS PLACE SUCKS SINCE WE SHOWED UP.

Granddad: WELL, I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON.

BUILDER REFUSED

INSPIRATION THAT MADE LADY SING Huey: WAIT A MINUTE, GRANDDAD.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

Granddad: WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN, GRANDSON?

Huey: I MEAN, YOU NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY OR LEARN A

LESSON...EVER.

Granddad: UH...

Huey: WE'RE BROKE, AREN'T WE, GRANDDAD?

Granddad: EHHH...

Riley: GRANDDAD BROKE? PSH.

COME

HUEY, YOU CRAZY, BOY.

TILL THE WAR IS WON

EVERYBODY KNOW GRANDDAD GOT LOTS OF PAPER.

TELL HIM, GRANDDAD.

I'M SORRY, BOYS.

Riley: AW, NO, GRANDDAD.

YOU DIDN'T!

Huey: GRANDDAD, CALM DOWN.

GRANDDAD, WHAT WE GOT TO EAT?!

WE HAVE NO MONEY?

Granddad: RENT!

Granddad: THEN HAVE SLEEP FOR DINNER!

WHAT'S WORSE THAN NO MONEY?

YOU CAN EAT TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GETTING FAT ANYWAY!

THE SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE YOU'RE WATCHING IS ALLEGEDLY OF

Huey: HOW MUCH?

Granddad: A COUPLE...

A COUPLE...

R&B SUPERSTAR PRETTY BOY FLIZZY HOLDING UP A LIQUOR STORE IN

Granddad: MNH-MNH.

Huey: HUNDRED THOUSAND?

Granddad: MILLION!

WOODCREST.

I REFINANCED WITH THAT DAMN

WHILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO CLEARLY SEE THE SUSPECT'S FACE,

ADJUSTABLE-RATE MORTGAGE!

AUTHORITIES SAY HIS SEXINESS IS AN EXACT MATCH.

THE DANCING LADY IN THAT POP-UP AD LOOKED SO FRIENDLY!

THIS ISN'T FLIZZY'S FIRST RUN-IN WITH THE LAW.

LAST YEAR, HE RECEIVED FOUR MONTHS PROBATION AFTER BEATING

UP TO 21%?

HIS THEN-GIRLFRIEND CHRISTIANNA LIVE ONSTAGE DURING THE GRAMMYS.

Riley: AW, GRANDDAD.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS FOR BEATING MY HOT

Granddad: I'M SORRY.

I'M SO...SO...SO...

Riley: IT'S GONNA BE REAL EMBARRASSING BEING THE ONLY

R&B GIRLFRIEND.

I LET MY FANS DOWN.

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE AN R&B GIRLFRIEND TO BEAT.

Both: WHOA.

A YEAR BEFORE THAT, FLIZZY RECEIVED A TWO-YEAR SUSPENDED

SENTENCE FOR SMUGGLING AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FROM NICARAGUAN REBELS.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS FOR SMUGGLING

PAYMENT

AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FROM SOUTH AMERICAN DEATH SQUADS.

I MAKE NO EXCUSES, OTHER THAN IT WAS A REALLY GOOD DEAL AND THEY

UNDER

WERE THROWING IN A LOT OF FREE AMMUNITION.

SIX MONTHS AGO, FLIZZY WAS ARRESTED FOR FIGHTING IN THE

WATER

V.I.P. SECTION OF A NIGHTCLUB WITH NICKI MINAJ.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS, FOR FIGHTING IN THE

V.I.P. SECTION WITH NICKI MINAJ.

IN MY DEFENSE, I THOUGHT SHE WAS A ROBOT SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO

KILL ME.

WOODCREST TEA PARTY CHAIRMAN UNCLE RUCKUS STAGED A SMALL

PROTEST AT THE VENUE TODAY.

Ruckus: WHO KEEPS GIVING THESE HIGH-YELLOW FELONS RECORD

CONTRACTS?!

OH, OH, IT'S JUST A RECORD YOU SAY!

WELL, WHITE FOLKS, YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT WHEN THE NIGGA THAT

SINGS ON THAT RECORD COMES TO TOWN AND IMPREGNATES ALL THE

WHITE WOMEN OF CHILD-REARING AGE!

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE PLANS TO DO!

JUST THINK OF ALL THE GOVERNMENT MONEY AND FOOD STAMPS THAT THEM

YOU REALLY NEED ALL THAT DAMN ORANGE JUICE?!

LITTLE MIXED-RACE QUADROON NIGGA CHILDREN WILL BE CONSUMING!

AND THEY CONSUME A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN REGULAR CHILDREN

FROM NOW ON, THAT'S ALL THE ORANGE JUICE YOU GET.

'CAUSE THEY EATIN' FOR TWO RACES!

I'MA STILL BE THIRSTY AFTER THAT.

OTHERS FELT DIFFERENTLY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS.

LISTEN UP.

FLIZZY CAN WHUP MY ASS ANYTIME!

COME ON! BEAT IT UP, FLEEZY!

WHOO!

Sarah: I WANT YOU TO GET MAD AT ME, ONCE IN AWHILE, YOU KNOW?

MR. FREEMAN, LOOK OVER HERE!

Tom: IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND...

Granddad: TURN THAT DOWN.

NOW LISTEN, LISTEN. Shh!

Sarah: I'M TIRED OF IT!

IT'S BORING!

IT'S BORING ME TO DEATH! A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO...

Tom: SARAH, PLEASE CALM DOWN!

I SAID I APOLOGIZE!

OUT OF NOWHERE, A MR. UNCLE RUCKUS.

Sarah: THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Sarah: APOLOGIZING!

Tom: YOU DON'T WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE?

KNOCK-OFF ED WUNCLER AND HIS ECONOMY-CRUSHING SON, EDDIE JR.

Sarah: NO, I DON'T!

Tom: OKAY, I'M SORRY I'M APOLOGIZING.

Sarah: YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Tom: SARAH, CALM DOWN!

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY!

I CAN'T STOP!

Sarah: OH, I SWEAR TO GOD, TOM, IF YOU APOLOGIZE AGAIN, YOU

RARE SKIN CONDITION CALLED REVITILIGO.

ARE OUT OF HERE!

Tom: I'M -- MM.

LIBERALS ARE, OF COURSE, RIDICULING THIS MAN'S DISEASE,

OKAY.

THEN JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Sarah: THAT'S THE PROBLEM, TOM!

I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!

I WANT YOU TO DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO BUT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO

UNCLE RUCKUS RAN FOR PRESIDENT AND BASICALLY ALMOST WON.

DO IT!

BUT WHY NOT JUST TELL ME?!

HIS STANDOUT MOMENT WAS DURING

Sarah: BECAUSE!

NO WOMAN WAKES UP AND SAYS, "GEE, I HOPE MY MAN DOES

EVERYTHING I TELL HIM TO TODAY."

YOU'RE THE MAN, TOM!

SOMETIMES I WANT YOU TO DOMINATE!

ONE MINUTE.

Ruckus: I DON'T NEED A MINUTE.

TAKE CONTROL!

IF I'M OUT OF LINE, PUT ME IN CHECK!

Tom: SURE, HONEY.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

Sarah: OHH! TOM!

Tom: FINE!

I HEAR YOU!

FROM NOW ON, I'LL TAKE CONTROL, AND I WON'T APOLOGIZE ANYMORE.

EXCEPT, WAIT.

YOU WANTED ME TO STOP APOLOGIZING, SO I'M SUPPOSED TO

Ruckus: YOU SEE, FELLOW WHITE AMERICANS, THIS IS WHY I AM

DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

RIGHT?

YEAH, SO THEN I GUESS I WILL APOLOGIZE, THEN...

NOW, BEIN' BLACK IS BAD -- AIN'T NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT -- AND

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.

SORRY?

GET OUT.

Tom: NOW, HONEY, DON'T DO -- Sarah: GET OUT!

PAY YOUR BILLS, DEADBEAT NIGGA.

Granddad: RUCKUS, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.

Tom: OW!

Riley: AW, MAN, HERE HE COME!

Granddad: RILEY, HIT THE LIGHTS!

Riley: MM-HMM.

Granddad: HUEY, ELECTRONICS!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

HERE IN THE WHITE MAN'S HOUSE THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD?

I'M TIRED OF THAT HENPECKED SIMP COMING OVER HERE EVERY TIME

SHE THROWS HIM OUT, SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

THIS TIME, HE CAN SLEEP IN THE YARD.

FOOD STAMPS, NIGGA?

WHILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO CLEARLY SEE THE SUSPECT'S FACE,

AUTHORITIES HA--

Tom: PLEASE.

I DON'T NEED THIS TODAY!

Huey: IT'S TOILET PAPER AND

I WAS ON MY WAY TO TAPE JIMMY KIMMEL, AND I THOUGHT I

WOULD STOP BY AND SEE HOW Y'ALL NIGGAS WAS DOIN'.

HEY, HOW THAT BLACK-PRESIDENT THING WORK OUT FOR YOU?

Granddad: RUCKUS, ENOUGH!

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MY HOUSE PAYMENTS, ANYWAY?

YOU COME BY TO RUB IT IN?

Ruckus: NO, SIR, I DID NOT.

I CAME BY TO TELL YOU I QUIT!

NOW THAT I'M AN OFFICIAL WOODCREST MAYORAL CANDIDATE, I

A POP-TART.

WILL NO LONGER WORK FOR Y'ALL NIGGAS, MEXICANS, OR SWARTHY

HEY, DON'T TELL MY GRANDDAD ABOUT THIS.

PERSIANS.

WE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEED YOU.

MR. RUCKUS, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Ruckus: GET OFF ME, ROBERT!

GET YOUR NIGGA HANDS OFF ME!

OH, WHAT A SURPRISE -- THE NIGGA IS RESORTING TO VIOLENCE.

Tom: I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S PRUDENT TO RECORD AN

Granddad: IT'LL BE OKAY.

I'M NOT RECORDING.

THIS IS A LIVE STREAM.

WHAT'S UP?

Y'ALL KNOW WHO IT IS -- PRETTY BEEZY FLEE-YEEZEY-WEEZY,

I MEAN, LAST WEEK WAS THE FIRST PAYMENT I MISSED, SO I FIGURE

YOU KNOW?

I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT Y'ALL BEEN SENDING ME

THAT I HAVE ABOUT, UH...

SINCE THE WHOLE INCIDENT WENT DOWN.

NEVER FEAR.

GOT BIG LAWYERS ON THE CASE.

SAY WHAT'S UP TO TOM DuBOIS.

Tom: FLIZZY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN IT OFF, NOW.

KILL THE CAMERA, B.

Tom: I ALSO THINK THESE PEOPLE SHOULD LEAVE.

"THESE PEOPLE?" YOU MEAN "THESE PEOPLE?"

Tom: I MEAN THESE PEOPLE.

YOU MEAN MY PEOPLE, NIGGA!

THESE MY PEOPLE.

ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME YOU CAN SAY IN FRONT OF THEM.

IF ANYTHING, NIGGA, YOU THE STRANGER HERE.

DAD TURNED OVER THE PROPERTY MANAGEMENT TO ME.

YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM.

Tom: IT'S MY OFFICE.

OKAY, THEN, SO WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET THAT YOU CAN'T

YOU'RE ED THE THIRD'S DAD?

TELL ME IN FRONT OF MY FANS AND MY PEOPLE?

MATTER OF FACT, WHY AM I EVEN HERE?

Tom: YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR CRIMINAL CASE.

CAN I COME IN?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

Tom: I REVIEWED THE CASE, AND I'VE WATCHED THE SECURITY

COOL. SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CAN YOU GET ME OFF?

Tom: DID YOU ROB THE LIQUOR STORE, FLIZZY?

THE COUCH IS...UH, BEAUTIFUL, WITH THE...THE CARPET.

I CAN'T SAY THAT...I DID IT, BUT, HONESTLY, REALLY CAN'T SAY

OH, I-I'M SORRY.

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT, VANDERBILT.

Tom: AND WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "F'SHO"?

UP!

Tom: AND HOW ABOUT THESE -- HOW ABOUT YOUR ENTOURAGE?

MM-HMM? HMM.

DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING?

UP, TOO!

HEY, MAN, WHEN WE GO OUT, WE GO HARD. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE YOUR TIME.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW COMPLICATED IT IS BEING ME.

WE'RE NOT EXACTLY WHERE I NEED TO BE WITH THE HOUSE.

ALL THE TIME I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I SAID.

Tom: HOW?

'CAUSE I GOT LIKE 18 PEOPLE TWEETING FOR ME AT ONE TIME.

Granddad: YEAH, ABOUT THAT...

LOOK, I'M JUST HERE TO GET YOU THE OUT.

UP!

SO, LIKE, I LOOK AT THE TAPE AND I SAY, "IS IT ME, OR IS IT

SOMEONE I JUST PAID TO ROB A LIQUOR STORE WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE

ME?" I DON'T KNOW.

Tom: OKAY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW UP FRONT THAT I HAVE SERIOUS

ISSUES WITH SOME OF YOUR BEHAVIOR IN THE PAST, ESPECIALLY

ROBERT, IT'S ME.

IT'S YOUR NEPHEW, EDDIE.

HITTING A WOMAN.

I KNEW YOU WAS GONNA SAY THAT.

CAN I TELL YOU MY SIDE OF IT, THOUGH?

POCKET CHANGE.

Tom: NO, I DON'T -- CAN I TELL YOU MY SIDE OF IT,

DON'T NEED THAT.

THOUGH?

Tom: NO, FLIZZY, THERE'S -- CAN I TELL YOU MY SIDE OF IT

YOU REMEMBER THOSE NUNS WAS TRYIN' TO HIDE

Tom: FINE! WHAT?!

THE THORNY CROWN IN THE WALL?

UP!

Riley: HEY, MAN, WHY YOU STEALIN' OUR STUFF?!

SOON AS I GOT ARRESTED, I SAID, "I WANT THE DUDE THAT GOT

Granddad: Shut up.

It's his stuff.

R. KELLY OFF."

Tom: WELL, I PROSECUTED R. KELLY, AND I --

NEVER MIND.

Tom: MY ANSWER IS ALMOST CERTAINLY NO, BUT...I'LL THINK

IT'S YOUR HOUSE.

IT'S YOUR LIVING ROOM.

ABOUT IT.

IF I DO TAKE THE CASE, MY RETAINER IS --

DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S ASHES!

MY RETAINER IS...

OKAY, SO, LOOK.

ENTERTAIN THAT.

THE NEW RATE ON YOUR SUB-PRIME, NON-PRIME, UNDER-PRIME MORTGAGE

Tom: PLEASE STOP THROWING MONEY AT ME.

IS $52,000.47.

THINGS A BITCH WILL NEVER SAY.

HEY, THAT'S A SONG!

A'IGHT, PIMPIN', I'M-A SEE YOU TOMORROW.

I CAN'T COME UP WITH THAT KIND OF MONEY IN A MONTH!

WELL, NOT IF YOU KEEP PUTTIN' ALL THAT NEGATIVE ENERGY INTO

YOU GOT TO THINK POSITIVE.

Tom: THAT SINGER PRETTY BOY FLIZZY CAME IN TODAY.

SAY, "I WILL GET EDDIE'S MONEY IN A MONTH."

Sarah: PRETTY BOY FLIZZY?

ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

HE'S HIRING YOU TO DEFEND HIM FOR THE LIQUOR-STORE THING?

Granddad: I WILL GET EDDIE'S MONEY IN A MONTH.

TOM, THAT'S HUGE! Granddad: WAIT! NO!

Tom: DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE OKAY.

I'M NOT TAKING THE CASE.

Sarah: WHY NOT?

Tom: I DON'T WANT TO DEFEND A WOMAN-BEATER, FOR ONE.

Sarah: HE MADE A LITTLE TINY MISTAKE.

Tom: I GUESS HITTING A WOMAN IS OKAY IF YOU HAVE ABS,

Listen to me.

Fake your deaths.

Sarah: HE'S A TALENTED ARTIST.

Fake...your...deaths.

Tom: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OKAY.

SLOW DOWN.

"FLUID SWAP"?

"RUB AGAINST MY ERECTION"?

"YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH"?

I LOVE "YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH!"

OH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD GET HIM TO SING AT JAZMINE'S

BIRTHDAY?

Tom: NO! DO YOU LET HER LISTEN TO THAT?

Sarah: OUR PROBLEMS HAVE BEEN ROUGH ON HER.

IT WOULD BE NICE TO, YOU KNOW...

WHAT?

FREEMAN.

Tom: DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Sarah: WHAT?

Tom: THIS ISN'T ABOUT JAZMINE.

Granddad: MR. WUNCLER.

YOU WANT TO MEET PRETTY BOY FLIZZY.

UH...

NO, JAZMINE WANTS TO MEET PRETTY BOY FLIZZY.

I WAS JUST...WONDERING IF YOU, UM, HAD THAT MONEY.

Tom: NO, YOU WANT ME TO DEFEND PRETTY BOY FLIZZY BECAUSE

WELL, UM...MON-- MONEY...W-W-WE, UH...

YOU WANT TO MEET HIM AND DO HIM!

Sarah: WHAT?!

Tom: YEAH! YEAH! YOU DO!

YOU WANT TO GO UNH ON HIM!

Granddad: WELL...YOU SEE -- EDDIE?!

YOU WANT TO UNH ON HIM ALL NIGHT!

Sarah: I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW INSECURE YOU ARE!

Granddad: YES, WELL, I'M WORKIN' ON IT, BUT I DON'T HAVE

LISTEN TO YOURSELF. YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY.

Tom: HE'S LIKE YOUR PERFECT MAN!

HOW MUCH YOU HAVE?

HE WON'T EVEN SAY SORRY WHEN HE POUNDS YOUR FACE IN!

BRING THE SUITCASE WITH THE MONEY!

Granddad: WAIT.

WAIT.

HE'S NOT COMING THIS WAY.

HE'S GETTING IN HIS CAR.

WITH ME, RIGHT?

SERIOUSLY, WHERE'S MY MONEY?!

YOU DON'T HAVE MY MONEY?

Tom: YOU'RE A SELFISH BASTARD, ROBERT FREEMAN!

GOD...DAMN!

A'IGHT. EDDIE. THINK.

WAIT! I GOT IT!

Granddad: WHAT?

THE HOUSE.

Tom: I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S GONNA WORK OUT, FLIZZY.

WE RENT OUT EACH OF THE ROOMS AS A SEPARATE UNIT -- TWO BEDROOMS,

Tom: WELL, IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S ME.

I'M JUST DEALING WITH SOME PERSONAL PROBLEMS.

UP, MY DUDE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE BOTH LETTING THE HATERS GET US DOWN.

WE GOT TO SHAKE THE HATERS.

Granddad: WHAT DO WE THINK ABOUT...HAVING PEOPLE MOVE IN

DO THIS FOR ME, TOM.

COME ON. SHAKE THOSE HATERS.

Huey: WHOA. WAIT. I'M HATE-FREE, BUT I CAN STILL FEEL THE HATE ON YOU.

Riley: YEAH, MAN, SLOW DOWN.

MMM. FEELS GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

YOU GUYS WILL LOVE IT.

IT'LL BE LIKE A COMMUNE.

OKAY, SO...

NOW WILL YOU TAKE THE CASE?

Tom: NO.

OKAY, FINE.

IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE CASE, YOU CAN'T TAKE THE CASE.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE ME -- SEXY, BUFF ALPHA MALE -- AND YOU --

"OCCUPY MY LIVING ROOM."

Riley: WHERE DO WE LIVE?

KINDHEARTED BUT FRUMPY EVERYMAN -- COULD SOMEHOW BE

IT'S DAMN NEAR LIKE A WHOLE OTHER HOUSE.

ABLE TO HELP EACH OTHER.

Tom: AM I A FRUMPY EVERYMAN?

MAKE THIS SHIT FLY.

IS THAT WHY SHE'S LOST INTEREST?!

OF COURSE.

TOM!

YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE

YOU GOT NO FLASH, NO SWAG, NO THIN VENEER OF TOUGHNESS.

OF COURSE YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU AND IS DOING IT TO SOME RANDOM GUY.

Tom: THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID HAPPENED.

SO, LOOK -- YOU TAKE THE CASE, AND I TEACH YOU HOW TO

DRESS AND HOW TO TALK TO BITCHES AND SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

Tom: YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY NOT?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE, RIGHT?

NO.

NO DANCING.

BUT THERE WILL BE A SHOPPING MONTAGE.

TWO THINGS WOMEN HATE -- BROKE MEN AND BORING MEN.

GOOD NEWS IS, YOU'RE NOT BROKE.

Granddad: YES, UH, I'M THE

BUT YOU ARE BORING, AND WOMEN HATE TO BE BORED, TOM.

OWNER OF THE HOUSE.

YOU AIN'T THE OWNER OF THE HOUSE.

THEY HATE TO BE BORED.

A WOMAN WOULD RATHER BE WITH A GUY THAT BEATS THEM TO DEATH

Granddad: YES, WELL, I'M ROBERT FREEMAN, CIVIL RIGHTS --

THAN BORES THEM TO DEATH.

TRUST ME, NIGGA, I KNOW.

BUT WHY DO THEY WANT ME, TOM?

DO YOU WANT?

Granddad: I WAS HOPING TO USE THE BATHROOM.

IS IT MY INCREDIBLE SEXINESS?

SURE.

BUT WHY AM I SO SEXY?

Granddad: YES, BUT I WOULD PREFER TO U--

WHAT IS THE SECRET TO MY SEXINESS?

OUT MY FACE, NIGGA!

MY MONEY, MY JEWELS, FAME?

ARE WE ABOUT TO HAVE A NIGGA MOMENT?

ABSOLUTELY.

BUT, REALLY, IT'S BECAUSE I'M A UP.

Granddad: NO, PLEASE.

I DON'T WANNA HAVE A NIGGA MOMENT.

I GET ARRESTED, I DO DRUGS, I ROB LIQUOR STORES -- ALLEGEDLY!

I JUST HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S WHAT ALL WOMEN WANT.

Tom: WHY?

BECAUSE WOMEN HAVE NO SELF-RESPECT!

Tom: WELL, MY WIFE HAS

SELF-RESPECT.

REALLY? YOU SURE?

Tom: YES!

SHE'S AN EDUCATED, WELL-ROUNDED, CONFIDENT WOMAN.

THAT'S IT!

I MAY NEED TO MEET HER.

Tom: NO, NO, NO. NO.

I KNOW WHERE THIS GOES.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO MY WIFE.

DO YOUR WIFE?

TOM, I WOULDN'T DO YOUR WIFE.

Tom: YOU HAVE A SONG CALLED "I WILL DO YOUR WIFE!"

YOU REALLY TURNED OUR LIFE INTO "GOOD TIMES."

I DIDN'T MEAN YOUR WIFE!

I MEANT THAT METAPHORICALLY.

Riley: YEAH, FOR NOW.

Tom: MM, I STILL DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

NIGGA, I SWEAR ON MY ABS -- ON MY ABS, NIGGA! -- I WILL NOT

WHY CAN'T Y'ALL GET JOBS?

Huey: CHILD LABOR LAWS, UNSAFE WORKPLACES, REALLY SMALL

TOUCH YOUR WIFE.

Tom: WELL, MY DAUGHTER WOULD LOVE TO MEET YOU.

HANDS.

A SMALL DINNER. YOUR GENERATION IS JUST LAZY, THAT'S ALL.

NO ENTOURAGE!

NO PROBLEM.

MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL THESE

AW, COME ON.

I THOUGHT YOU GAVE UP WORK TO RUN FOR MAYOR.

PEOPLE SHOWED UP.

Tom: WELL, MAYBE IF YOU HADN'T TWEETED OUR ADDRESS TO

I GAVE UP WORKING FOR NIGGAS, AND OTHER COLORS, LIKE MEXICANS

HEY, MAN...

Tom: YEAH, YOU WERE F'ed UP, I KNOW.

NOW YOU BETTER GRAB SOME SUDS AND START WAXING HOODS.

OKAY, SO, CHECK IT.

KEY WITH CHICKS IS TO INSULT THEM WHEN YOU COMPLIMENT THEM.

WAX ON, WAX OFF, NIGGA!

NEVER BE TOO NICE.

TRUST ME.

GO NEG ON HER.

KNOCK HER DOWN A PEG.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

Granddad: DAMN!

WHAT'S THIS THING, ELECTRIC?

Tom: HEY, SWEETIE, YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT.

Sarah: OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

Tom: YEAH, BUT NOT AS NICE AS YOU THINK YOU LOOK.

COME ON, MAN!

Sarah: ASSHOLE!

LOOK, LOU GOSSETT JR. IS WASHING MY CAR.

STOP TRYING TO HIDE INSIDE MY TRUNK.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY FIRED THE SAND PEOPLE.

Granddad: HEY, NEIGHBOR!

WE, UH, HEARD THERE'S A DINNER PARTY GOING DOWN, AND I NEVER

RECEIVED THE E-VITE, SO HERE WE ARE.

FEEL THAT, NIGGA? FEEL THAT?

THAT FEELIN' IS CALLED "WORK."

Tom: YOU DIDN'T GET ONE BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE LEAVING ME OUT IN THE COLD AND THEN

Granddad: SHUT UP, RUCKUS.

WHEN DO I GET PAID?

WANTING TO COME TO THE FLIZZY DINNER FOR THE FREE FOOD.

YOU FIRED.

Granddad: FIRED? WHY?

Granddad: WE DIDN'T COME HERE FOR THE FREE FOOD.

THE CAR-WASH BRASS IS CUTTIN' BACK HOURS.

WE CAME HERE TO WARN YOU.

TOM, YOU GOT TO GET THAT FLIZZY AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE!

WE'LL CALL YOU WHEN WE NEED YOU.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH SHE'S TRAPPED IN THIS PASSIONLESS, SEXUALLY

UNFULFILLING MARRIAGE WITH YOU.

HER LADYPARTS PROBABLY BURNING WITH UNQUENCHABLE LUST, AND YOU

JUST GONNA DANGLE ALL THAT SEXINESS IN FRONT OF HER?!

WHAT'D YOU DO NOW?

Tom: HUH?

Riley: MAN, IT'S LIKE, "HERE, NIGGA, TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!"

Granddad: HUH?

Huey: YOU KNOW HE'S GOT A SONG CALLED --

Tom: "I WILL DO YOUR WIFE," YES.

Huey: BUT THERE'S ALSO A SONG CALLED, "WHITE WIFEBOOTY."

UNCLE RUCKUS IS BACK ON THE SCENE, RUFFLING SMALL-TOWN

KNOW THAT?

Tom: REALLY?

NO, NO, I DIDN'T.

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER, GUYS.

I-I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

FLIZZY'S GONNA HELP ME WORK THINGS OUT WITH SARAH.

Granddad: OH, HE GONNA WORK SOMETHING OUT, ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A

THAT BOOTY.

Tom: HE'S HERE TO HELP.

Granddad: OH, HE GONNA HELP HIMSELF TO THAT BOOTY!

HE ALMOST RIGHT.

THE WHITE HALF OF HIM RIGHT, BECAUSE THE WHITE BUSINESSMAN,

Granddad: HE'S GONNA -- Tom: CONTROL THAT BOOTY.

GOT IT.

Granddad: I WASN'T GONNA SAY THAT.

HE GONNA BE UNDER THAT BOOTY!

Riley: HA HA!

GOOD ONE, GRANDDAD!

Tom: YEAH, HA, YEAH, VERY FUNNY GUYS. ENOUGH.

HIS BLACK ASS ALL THE WAY OVER HERE TO AMERICA TO DO SOME

Granddad: AS LONG AS YOU KNOW.

NEXT TIME YOUR KIDS ARE BORN WITH GREAT ABS AND TATTOOS,

PRODUCTIVE WORK.

DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

COME ON, KIDS. LET'S EAT.

THANK YOU, FANS. THANK YOU.

Sarah:

OH, MY GOD, FLIZZY, YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND SO POLITE.

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS HOW COME WE ARE LOSIN' TO THE CHINESE --

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ROB LIQUOR STORES AND YOU BEAT UP WOMEN.

BECAUSE THE CHINAMAN USES SLAVE LABOR, AND WE DON'T.

Tom: SARAH!

NO, IT'S COOL.

SHE'S RIGHT.

I REALLY NEED TO STOP GETTING ARRESTED.

Sarah: I'M NOT PASSING JUDGMENT ABOUT THE CHRISTIANNA

THEY SHOULD BE USIN' GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BLACKY AMERICAN

I KNOW SOMETIMES BITCHES STEP OUT OF LINE.

SLAVE LABOR!

LORD KNOWS I DO!

Tom: HONEY, THERE ARE

CHILDREN AT THE TABLE.

Sarah: NOW, I WANT TO BE CLEAR, KIDS -- HITTING A WOMAN

CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY.

A GANGSTALICIOUS CARD.

IS WRONG...

UNLESS SHE HITS YOU FIRST.

Huey: YOU GOT THE GANGSTALICIOUS CARD, GRANDDAD?

AIN'T THAT RIGHT!

Tom: WOW.

Sarah: OR SHE TALKS ABOUT YOUR MAMA!

Tom: SARAH, THAT IS ENOUGH!

Sarah: "SARAH, THAT'S ENOUGH."

Tom: SARAH, THAT'S IT!

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF YOUR DAUGHTER AND IN

KARDASHIAN CARD, LIL WAYNE CARD -- YOU SEE, BOYS?

FRONT OF PRETTY BOY FLIZZY!

Riley: IT'S LIKE WE NOT EVEN HERE.

Tom: NOW, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

YOU ARE GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS AND SLEEP IT OFF!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, TOM?

$1,500 IN FEES?!

HIT ME?

Tom: NO! I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU!

MWAH!

Jazmine: DADDY!

Sarah: TOM, WAIT!

TOM!

Granddad: TOM, GREW A PAIR.

DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

Riley:

YEAH, IT'S SO COZY, A-AND I LOVE HOW YOU ARRANGED THE BEDS.

IT'S A VERY...ECONOMICAL USE OF SPACE.

BITTER.

SAY, DO YOU MIND IF WE STORE, UH...SOMETHING HERE FOR JUST A

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

COUPLE OF DAYS?

DIDN'T REALLY HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO CALL.

EH, NO SWEAT, MAN.

THAT WAS ROUGH.

Tom: YEAH, IT WAS A DISASTER.

SO MUCH FOR MAKING A MAN OUT OF ME.

NAW, MAN.

TO JUST STAND UP AND WALK OUT, THAT TOOK GUTS.

Tom: ALL I ENDED UP LEARNING IS MY WIFE LIKES YOU BETTER.

DEBT.

YOUR WIFE DOESN'T LIKE ME BETTER.

YOU GUYS ARE BOTH JUST BORING AS

YOU'RE ROLLING WITH ME TONIGHT.

I'M TAKING YOU TO MAN CAMP.

BUT I DON'T HANG WITH NO NEGATIVE-ENERGY-SUCKING

Granddad: UH...

SO GATHER UP SOME POSITIVITY IN THIS BITCH RIGHT

SURE. Y-YEAH.

QUICK AND LET'S ROLL OUT.

Tom: OKAY! I CAN BE POSITIVE.

I'M NOT A LOSER.

I CAN...GET STUFF...HAPPENING, AND I GOT STUFF GOING ON!

MAYBE...MILLION, AT LEAST?

Granddad: EDDIE, I'M SORRY.

THINGS COULD BE WORSE.

I COULD BE THAT GUY.

THINK, EDDIE, THINK.

IT'S A MIRROR, TOM.

FIND ME A WAY TO GET ROBERT THAT MONEY.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, SIR.

THEIR CREDIT IS...PISS-POOR, SIR.

NO!

THIS MAN IS A CUSTOMER.

HE IS A DEAR FAMILY FRIEND.

HE IS A WAR HERO -- A CIVIL-RIGHTS LEGEND!

WE MUST FIND A WAY TO HELP HIM!

WELL, THERE IS ONE WAY.

WELCOME.

Tom: OH, WHAT THE HECK.

IT'S MAN CAMP.

AT WUNCLER BANKING, WE DO BELIEVE IN OFFERING QUALITY

BANKING SERVICES TO THOSE WITH DAMAGED CREDIT.

Granddad: A LOAN! YES!

I'LL TAKE IT!

DONE!

CONGRATULATIONS!

I BELIEVE IN YOU, ROBERT.

I BELIEVE IN THE FREEMAN FAMILY!

FREEMAN FAMILY! FREEMAN FAMILY!

Tom: HEY, THIS IS THE BUY-N-FLY THAT FLIZZY ROBBED.

FUNNY.

Granddad: THAT WENT WELL.

Huey: DID YOU CHECK THE INTEREST RATE?

Granddad: 150% INTEREST?!

Riley: WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

Y'ALL KNOW I DON'T DO MATH.

Tom: TYLENOL?

IT WAS A RIP-OFF, AN EASY-CREDIT RIP-OFF!

Granddad: HUH?

I'M TELLING YOU, WE'VE

WATCHED THIS THING A MILLION TIMES.

WE KNOW THAT'S FLIZZY.

CASE CLOSED.

HA HA HA! YEAH!

Granddad:

WELL, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT SANGIN'

CUT!

THERE WAS A P.A. IN THE SHOT!

RESET!

MAN, I'M GETTING SWEATY.

Huey: IT'S "HANGIN' IN THE CHOW LINE," GRANDDAD.

PRETTY'S SWEATY.

IS SOMEONE DEAF?

SHINE CHECK!

CAN YOU THROW ME A LINE?

TRYING TO GET MY UNION CARD.

FIND ANYTHING, COLUMBO?

Tom: UH, NOPE!

NOTHING.

THANKS, JACK.

IT -- MOVING DAY.

Riley: SO, SO UNFORTUNATE

MRS. DuBOIS, DO YOU MIND IF

WE DO A QUICK SOUND CHECK?

Sarah: OF COURSE. GO AHEAD.

" ON 1, 2, 3 --

NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU BROKE, BALD

Sarah: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

HOLD ON!

EXCUSE ME JUST A SEC.

YOU, UH, CAN'T SING THAT AT JAZMINE'S PARTY.

ABOUT YOUR CHEMO!

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

Sarah: NO! I LOVE THAT SONG.

A LOT, ACTUALLY.

WITH SOMETHING.

DEAD!!

Sarah: NO, NO.

OKAY. SEE YA.

HOW ABOUT "CAKE"?

SURE THING, MRS. DuBOIS.

Granddad: OW, OW, OW!

WHOOPS.

SORRY, I WAS JUST CUTTIN' SOME, UH, MEAT EARLIER.

WHAT'S UP, TIGER?

Tom: YOU FAKED THE ROBBERY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Tom: I WATCHED THE SURVEILLANCE TAPE, FLIZZY -- THE

THIS PLACE, THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU

WHOLE TAPE.

I KNOW YOU STAGED THE ROBBERY.

ISN'T THERE ANYONE WHO CAN HELP THIS MAN?

YOU JUST COULDN'T LEAVE ALONE, COULD YOU?

Ruckus: YES, SIR, MR. KINDLY BILLIONAIRE WHITE MAN.

Tom: WHAT ELSE WAS FAKE?

WERE THE NICARAGUAN GUNS FAKE?

DID YOU REALLY EVEN BEAT CHRISTIANNA?

DON'T YOU EVER QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT I BEAT

CHRISTIANNA!

I WHUPPED THAT BITCH'S ASS!

LOOK, IT'S FORMER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE AND THE

BUT THE NICKI MINAJ THING WAS STAGED.

NEXT MAYOR OF WOODCREST, UNCLE RUCKUS!

SHE AIN'T REALLY A CYBORG, EITHER.

SHE'S A NICE GIRL.

You get in there and you do the thing I'm talkin' about.

DAMN, TOM.

WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?

Tom: I'M YOUR ATTORNEY!

Ruckus:

THIS IS MY BUSINESS!

BUT WHY?

'CAUSE I GOT TO STAY RELEVANT! THAT'S WHY!

SUCKS RIGHT NOW!

Granddad: SLAVERY?!

YOU GOT TO ACT LIKE AN IDIOT JUST TO STAY IN THEIR

FACES!

BUT IF I CAN STAY IN JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF TROUBLE, I'LL BE

I THINK ABOUT IT AS INVESTING IN PEOPLE.

MY AUDIENCE IS WOMEN, TOM -- WOMEN.

I INVEST IN YOU, YOU HELP ME.

AND WOMEN HATE TO BE BORED.

Riley: YEAH, WHAT WE GOT TO DO IN RETURN?

Tom: LOOK, FLIZZY, I'M SORRY.

IT BETTER NOT BE NOTHIN' GAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS.

NO.

I DON'T LIVE IN YOUR WORLD.

I'M A SIMPLE GUY.

I JUST WANT TO DO MY JOB, TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY, AND I NEEDED

TIME, AND, IN EXCHANGE...

SOME HELP TRYING TO GET MY WIFE BACK.

NO, I JUST OWN 100% OF YOUR TIME UNTIL THE DEBT IS PAID.

OH, YOU WANT YOUR WIFE BACK?

HOW ABOUT NOT INVITING A NIGGA THAT'S RICHER THAN YOU AND

SURE, IT IS.

FOR EXAMPLE, LET'S SAY I COME BY UNANNOUNCED, IN THE MIDDLE OF

PRETTIER THAN YOU TO MEET YOUR WIFE?

I MEAN, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE, NIGGA?

Tom: WHAT?

BUT I-I THOUGHT WE WERE -- THOUGHT WHAT, NIGGA?!

I'M TIRED OF YOUR PUNK-ASS!

FLIZZY, I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST

LEAVE.

LEAVE?

I MIGHT AS WELL MOVE IN THIS BITCH.

Granddad: I'LL TAKE IT!

YOU ALREADY DONE GAVE ME YOUR WIFE.

THIS IS MY HOUSE!

JAZMINE'S GONNA BE CALLING ME DADDY FROM NOW ON.

I WANT MY HOUSE BACK.

IT'S LITERALLY SLAVERY!

Tom: NOW, THAT'S ENOUGH!

OH, YOU MAD, TOM?

WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

YOU WANT TO HIT ME?

HIT ME, TOM!

FLIZZY, I'M WARNING YOU...

HIT ME, TOM.

COME ON, HIT ME NOW!

Tom: ALL RIGHT, YOU ASKED FOR IT!

HOW MANY YEARS DO I HAVE LEFT, ANYWAY?

I'VE BEEN FREE MY WHOLE LIFE, AND WHAT HAS IT GOTTEN ME?

Sarah: TOM!

AAH!

I'M TIRED OF LIVIN' IN THAT GARAGE WITH YOU TWO SMELLY

NIGGAS.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY FAMILY!

Sarah: TOM! OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS A PROUD DAY -- THE DAY

TOM, STOP!

Ruckus: OH! I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

CITIZEN'S ARREST!

I'M MAKING A CITIZEN'S ARREST!

Tom:

WE BRING SLAVERY BACK TO AMERICA.

Riley: NOW SHUT UP!

STOP SQUIRMING!

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Sarah: OH!

BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT.

YOU WERE A MANIAC!

I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU LIKE THAT.

WHITE MAN AND HIS WELL-RUN FINANCIAL INSTITUTION.

I JUST WANT TO THANK UNCLE RUCKUS FOR HIS

LEADERSHIP -- AND, OF COURSE, TO ROBERT FREEMAN FOR HAVING THE

Ruckus: ALL RIGHT, GET MOVING, GET MOVING.

AVERT YOUR EYES, AVERT YOUR EYES.

JUST A NIGGA GOING TO JAIL.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

I ALMOST FORGOT -- I WON THE BET.

Sarah: OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.

I WAS SUCH A BITCH, AND YOU DIDN'T DESERVE ANY OF THAT.

OH, WE MADE A BET THAT I COULDN'T GET YOU GUYS TO SIGN

Tom: YES.

YES, YOU WERE A..."B."

HE DIDN'T THINK I COULD DO IT.

Sarah: PLEASE COME HOME.

PLEASE.

HERE YOU GO, BOSS.

I HAVE CAKE.

LET'S GET YOU UPSTAIRS.

YOU READY FOR SOME SARAH CAKE?

Granddad: WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

NAUGHTY!

Granddad: NOOOOO!!

Tom:

OH, MY BACK!

OH! I'M SORRY.

YEAH.

NO