Original subtitles

GRANDDAD: Oh, no!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Without admitting any guilt, we wanna say we real sorry.

We know you're upset, and you should be--

Who did this? Which one of you killed the TV?

Who did it? Granddad, this isn't the time

for pointing fingers. Right?

President Obama says,

"We can't move forward looking backwards."

I can't believe this.

This isn't happening! It's not happening!

I'm too old for this. I'm sick of having

to beat y'all all the damn time.

Here. This time you're gonna beat each other.

What? I said beat each other.

Take turns. [COUGHS]

What--? Something's wrong.

Granddad, you should calm down.

How am I supposed to calm down?

I'm dying and my TV's broke.

Oh. My chest hurts. It's a heart attack.

No, my stomach hurts. My liver's exploding.

No, it's my bad knee. The room is spinning.

Oh, no!

Is he dead? I don't know.

Hurry, we have to call 911. Where's the phone?

Oh, no!

Do we still have to beat each other?

♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪

♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪

♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪

♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪

♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪

♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪

♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪

♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪

♪ To call your brother sun ♪

♪ The story that just begun ♪

♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪

♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪

♪ Till the war is won Won ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪

♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪

[GRANDDAD SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Come on. You need a physical.

RILEY: They need to put you on a diet.

No please. I can't handle doctors.

I'm not ready to face my own mortality.

Granddad, it's for your own good.

We need you around as long as possible to cook

and pay the mortgage. What if they find

something terrible? What if they tell me

I only have a month to live? That would totally ruin

the rest of this month for me. Look. Mumia. He's free.

I'm going home. RILEY: Man, Granddad kinda fast.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

Been awhile since your last checkup, huh?

Says here you haven't seen a doctor in, wow, 57 years?

Hurry up and get to the point

where you tell me I'm gonna die?

Now, you say here you've had some irritable bowels recently?

Yeah. And it also says here

that you-- [DOOR OPENS]

DOCTOR: Oh, um, pardon me.

Uh, Robert, this is Jessica. Jessica, Robert.

She's a medical student who will be observing today

if that's okay with you. Actually I prefer if, uh...

Patient has complained of irritable bowels,

also diarrhea accompanied

by a burning sensation in the anus

Well, it's not really a burning,

it's more of a tingle-- And also experiencing

a lot of gas pains. Extreme flatulence.

Well, that was, uh, kind of a joke, really.

[GRANDDAD SCREAMS]

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[TYPING]

Give it to me straight, doc.

Robert--

[SOBBING] No! I'm too young to die.

There's so many things I haven't done.

I want my novel to be on Oprah's book of the month.

Robert, from what I can see

there's a bunch of stuff wrong with you,

but none that is immediately life-threatening.

But what I'm most worried about

is your stress level. Is this how you normally

react to stressful situations, Robert?

More or less. But you have to understand,

my life is more stressful than most people.

My one grandson is a domestic terrorist

and the other one is a public menace.

Robert, Robert, Robert, a lot of people have stressful lives.

Now your problem is how you handle the stress.

Now, I'm gonna give you a bunch of pills to take,

but I believe if you don't get your stress under control,

you're gonna kill yourself.

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

GRANDDAD: Hey, hold on there!

I'm a sick old man, I can't move as fast

as I used to. 'Sup, old nigga?

Got your lifetime supply of Viagra right here. Ha-ha.

I'm just kidding. I know it ain't Viagra

'cause I already looked. Give me that.

How dare you open my package.

I'm just fucking with you, old nigga.

What you got to eat in this motherfucker?

Hey, what you doing with all them pills for,

old nigga? You starting a pharmacy or some shit?

My doctor gave me these pills.

Man. I ain't never took you as a sucker

for the fucking pharmaceutical companies.

Always trying to sell you some synthetic chemical

that don't do nothing but make you sicker.

Well, he's a doctor and you're a dumb ass,

so I'm listening to him.

I don't never take no pills.

Not that I can afford 'em,

'cause a nigga don't got health insurance and shit, but still.

I don't take no aspirin,

no fucking ibuprofen, none of that.

Now this shit right here, nigga,

this all the medicine I need.

What is that? Is that reefer?

No, nigga, it's weed.

Reefer the same thing as weed.

What? Keep it down, I have kids.

What, I can't say "weed"? Shh.

How dare you bring drugs into my house.

You can get us arrested.

[LAUGHS]

Man, don't you keep up with current events?

Weed ain't illegal no more, nigga.

Really? Hell, yeah.

Obama came through and changed all that shit.

I didn't know he did that.

Yeah, man. So stop being so damn scared.

I don't know. I knew a guy once who smoked some weed

that was laced with angel dust,

and he ended up running down the street

in his underwear and woke up in a chicken coop.

Nigga, that was Friday. Was it?

Besides, man, ain't nobody fucked with this,

I know the nigga that grew it.

Shit, I watched him take the bud off.

You need to grow up and get high.

As a matter of fact, since I'm the type of nigga

that cares about your health,

I'm gonna give you this joint, nigga.

I don't want your joint. This just ain't no joint.

No, it's a-- Well-- Well, it is a joint,

but it's a damn good one.

Nigga, this shit will change your life.

Hey, what y'all talking about?

Huh? Nothing. Nothing at all.

He was just talking about

going on tour with the Fat Boys or something.

Congrats, tell Prince Markie Dee I said hi.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, old nigga. Later, Riley.

[DOOR OPENS] Who are the Fat Boys?

[DOOR CLOSES]

MAN [ON TV]: High blood pressure got you down?

Ask your doctor if Zortafrinex is right for you.

In clinical trials, Zortafrinex was proven

to lower blood pressure. Ask your doctor

before taking Zortafrinex. Women, pregnant women,

and most men should not take it. Known side effects:

dry mouth, upset stomach, mild death, blindness,

heart attack, difficulty breathing

and rectal fungus. Almost all who took it

experienced a severe loss in sexual performance.

Please stop taking it immediately

if you feel mild discomfort on or in testicles,

as this can be a sign of an unpleasant

side effect known as total scrotal implosion.

If total scrotal implosion should occur,

call your doctor. If you cannot move or talk

due to the pain of total scrotal implosion,

please have a loved one call your doctor.

There is no cure for total scrotal implosion.

Zortafrinex, always the right choice.

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.

[SIGHS]

[SNORING]

[SNIFFING]

Yo, you smell that?

Yeah, but it can't be what I think it is.

BOTH: Breakfast.

GRANDDAD: We got pancakes, waffles,

pork sausage, turkey sausage,

veggie sausage, eggs Benedict,

smoked salmon omelets, hash browns

and of course huevos rancheros.

Or I can make you something else if you like.

Granddad, why'd you make all this food?

Because my boys have to grow up to be big and strong.

I'm eating this bowl of Cheerios because,

you know what? The cholesterol's not gonna lower itself.

Goddamn, that was the best Cheerios

I ever had in my life.

That wasn't a regular Cheerios, was it?

No, no, that-- That had to be Honey Nut.

Mm.

It had to be Honey Nut. It tastes like Honey Nut.

It tastes like Cheerios but...

nuts dipped in honey. Mm-hm.

[CHEWING]

GRANDDAD: Oh, you boys broke the TV again.

[LAUGHING]

You know what's funny?

When you think about it,

all this stuff is really yours.

I mean, how much longer am I gonna be around?

Because I'm really, really, really, really old.

This is your house. This is your stuff.

This is your TV.

You can break it if you want to. I don't care.

[LAUGHING]

Damn, I liked my TV.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARING]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

What's up old nigga? You got a pickup?

No. I wanted to tell you I smoked that, you know...

That joint? Shh.

You liked it. That shit was off the chain, wasn't it?

I couldn't believe it. I never felt anything like this before.

Can you get me some more? Maybe two, six or seven?

You called my job and scheduled a pickup

just so you could hit me up for more trees?

That's rude, man.

First rule of being a smoker is it's bad manners

to keep bumming all the damn time.

Well, why did you want me to smoke it

if I wasn't supposed to ask for more? Let me buy some off you.

Or maybe put me in touch with your supplier.

I don't know, he's picky with his clientele.

In the streets they call him "The Weed Kingpin."

But he might fuck with you, you know,

'cause you with fucking with me and shit.

[♪♪♪]

Now, just stick with me, and don't say no dumb shit.

Hey, Otis. Good to see you.

Who's this? Your friend, Robert?

I'm not a narc, heh-heh.

Uh, you wanna check me for a wire?

I'm not wearing one so it's okay if you do.

In fact, uh, this may be a bad idea.

Now are you looking for anything in particular?

I mean, uh, a certain kind of high?

I just need something to lower my stress.

Let's see, we got Bubba Kush, Lavender Kush,

Telly Savalas Kush,

uh, oh, gee, Scarlett Johansson.

Hey, I even got one named after me, nigga.

It's good for sitting on the couch all day

and not doing shit. You know what?

Try this. It's called Black Pearl.

What's it gonna do?

[LAUGHS] You'll see.

HUEY: Man, we've looked up the side effects

to all of Granddad's pills,

and none of them make you a happier, calmer,

more well-adjusted person.

Well, something going on.

I don't know who that nigga is downstairs,

but he ain't Granddad.

[WHIRRING]

Granddad, we need to talk.

Of course, what is it, Grandson?

Man, where the real Granddad?

What you do with him?

[LAUGHING]

Riley, you so crazy.

Look, boys, I went to the doctor

and had a wake-up call, and I decided

I'm not gonna sweat the small stuff anymore.

I'm the same granddaddy that you know and love.

I'm happy, I feel good, and from now on

I'm going to appreciate life.

Yeah, but that person is nothing like the Granddad

we know and love. Yeah, our Granddad

don't appreciate nothing.

You an imposter.

[LAUGHING]

You boys are hilarious.

Don't forget tonight's my bongo night.

You guys can stay over at Tom's.

Now give your Granddaddy a hug.

I'm so glad we had this talk.

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

Man, I just feel bad for the real Granddad.

He probably tied up in some basement somewhere, scared.

We gotta find him, Huey.

Before it's too late.

GRANDDAD: ♪ La, la, la, la, la, la I love me, yes, I do ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

What is he doing over there?

Sounds like he's dying.

You know, he's always been a little strange.

Man, I'm about to go look.

Come on, guys, you know the rules.

Robert said no going back home during bongo time.

I'm sorry. Look, I don't know

who that fake-ass Granddad is over there,

but we gotta find out what's going on.

Maybe he's on drugs.

[LAUGHS] You guys are overreacting.

Your granddad just wants a little privacy

to release his creative juices,

and there's nothing wrong with that.

[GRANDDAD SCATTING]

JAZMINE: What's going on?

[SIREN WAILING] Shit.

It's the cops.

Wait. Riley, wait.

♪ The revolution is all over The world, yes, it is ♪

♪ Boom, bam, boom Revolution ♪

♪ Boo-bop, boo-bop ♪

[SCATTING]

TOM: Oh, my God.

Ew.

RILEY: I'm gonna be sick.

[SCREAMS]

OFFICER: Aw, somebody get him a blanket, for God's sake.

TOM: You scarred my baby for life, Robert!

[JAZMINE CRYING]

[LAUGHS]

I'm so ashamed.

Riley, this isn't funny.

Yes, it is.

Granddad was smoking weed.

[LAUGHS] Smokey. Smokey.

[LAUGHS]

Boys, can you ever forgive me?

I don't think it's a big deal, really.

No, Huey. It's a very big deal.

That's why drugs are so dangerous.

Then you get addicted, and it destroys your life,

and the lives of those around you.

You start playing the bongos really loud

and then you turn all Bobby and Whitney on us.

I've learned my lesson.

I'm never ever, ever, ever gonna smoke weed again.

[CHIMES]

Hey. There's big Bobby.

I got something special for you today.

Ooh, lay it on me, man.

They call it "Skywalker."

Granddad, I know you're still smoking.

What are you talking about?

Huey, I told you that was a terrible mistake I made

and I'm never, ever gonna do it again.

I know when you find something you like

you tend to go overboard, so just be very careful.

Like I said, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Toodles.

[♪♪♪]

[HORNS HONKING]

You're a dick, dickwad!

[SIREN WAILING] Uh-oh.

Sir, can you tell me why you're driving so slow

in the fast lane? Oh, no reason.

I guess I just wasn't in that much of a rush.

I didn't know you can get a speeding ticket

for going too slow, uh, Officer...

Doo-shay? That's Officer Douche.

[LAUGHING]

Something funny?

No, sir, Officer...

[LAUGHING]

Douche.

Why were you driving so slow in the fast lane?

Oh, just having a pleasant drive on a nice,

heh, summer's eve, Douche.

[LAUGHING]

Please step out of the car, sir.

JUDGE: Okay, the defendant is charged with suspicion

of driving under the influence of marijuana,

as well as possession of a mostly smoked

marijuana cigarette. So how does the defendant plead?

Robert, I want you to plead guilty.

No way, mm-mm, ain't gonna happen.

No, no, no, it's just a first offense.

Obama fixed it up for everybody.

What are you talking about? That's why I voted for Obama.

We could legalize weed, that's what we need--

But Tom, what happens if he goes to jail?

Go to jail? It's just a first offense.

Everybody calm down. I don't want to go to jail.

RILEY: I ain't going in no foster care, I tell you that right now.

Everybody could you please just shut up?

Settle down, please.

Your Honor, I would like to plead not guilty

on the grounds that Obama legalized weed.

Did he? Because I think I would have heard about that.

I'm pretty sure he did.

Who told you that? Thugnificent.

The rapper? Yes, Your Honor.

Are you sure he's the guy to listen to

about legal matters? What does your lawyer say?

He looks pretty smart. I said, uh, no, Your Honor.

But Thugnificent sounded pretty sure.

Huh. Well, he's pretty sure. You know, I'm--

I'm also pretty sure, but, hey,

we can look it up if you want. No big deal.

Yes, please.

[TYPING]

Nope, no. Sorry about that, man.

Look at this, Wikipedia says weed is still illegal.

Really? Yeah, wait--

Ho, look at that. That's interesting.

Says here that several states

have legalized medicinal cannabis.

See? Unfortunately,

this state ain't one of 'em so, you know.

Oh. So I guess your choices are

to move to California, smoke all you want,

or, you know, just stay here and stop smoking.

Or you can keep smoking and go to jail,

but that would be kinda silly, don't you think?

[SIGHS]

TOM: Oh, man, Robert, I can't believe how lucky you are.

Lucky? How is this lucky? I finally found the thing

in life that makes me happy and now they gonna take it away.

Now Robert, studies show marijuana

can be very psychologically addictive.

Man, fuck them studies, I want my weed.

I believed all the terrible things

they told me about weed and it was all a lie.

And now you mean to tell me,

I could've had this the whole time?

Who knows how different my life would be?

I might be a Nobel Peace Prize winner,

or eight-time gold medal swimmer,

or even President of the United States.

It's not fair. Now I have to go back

to being the regular me.

There's nothing wrong with the regular you.

I'm telling you the regular me

is completely unacceptable.

I don't even like the regular me.

No one does. Yeah, he's got a point there.

I don't even like him either.

Look, Robert, I get it.

Everybody wants to escape from their problems.

But there's a legal way to do it.

[♪♪♪]

I never really liked you when I first met you.

Oh, you didn't like me? I didn't like you.

Well, that's okay, I don't care who likes me,

and I hate Ruckus, that son of a bitch.

Well, we can agree on that.

Let's find Ruckus and whup his ass.

I'm gonna whup your ass! Oh, no, I don't think so.

I will whup your ass with Ruckus's ass.

I miss my Mary Jane now.

[BOTH CRYING]

Oh, I think I'm gonna throw up.

[VOMITS]

Oh, if I see or smell throw-up,

I'm gonna throw--

[GROANING]

[VOMITS]

Oh, God.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, hell, no!

What the--?

Oh. Aw, man!

Can you believe it, old nigga?

Grant got raided. Look, look, look, look.

They taking the champagne, and the citrus buds,

and the First Mature, and the Early Misty,

and the God Bud, and the Ice Marijuana,

and the Island Lady, and the Kush--

I'm not gonna let them get away with this.

I say we fight back. It's time for civil disobedience.

It's time for action. Man, you do what you want.

I'm gonna go back to work and cry.

[♪♪♪]

What is this really gonna accomplish?

What happened to you? I thought you believed

in the revolution. A freedom fighter.

You're not gonna end prohibition by getting arrested.

What if me and Rosa Parks

had said that on that bus in Montgomery?

What if me and Martin Luther King said that in Selma?

What if me and Nelson Mandela said that during apartheid?

When were you arrested in South Africa?

Never mind. Point is you sold out.

I think we should just move to L.A..

I'm gonna be the first nigga to be a Blood and a Crip.

Granddad, nobody solves problems by going to jail anymore.

Fine. What do you suggest?

Look, if it's really that important to you,

maybe we should just move to California.

Then I'm gonna star in my own movie

about the first nigga to be both a Blood and a Crip.

I'm gonna play me. Well, I'm not leaving my home.

I paid good money for this house.

Now it ain't worth shit, so we're staying.

Then I'm gonna run up on the Fresh Prince kid

and show him who the real Karate Kid is.

They ain't even paying the nigga.

So, what's more important? Weed or us?

Weed.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Man, he didn't even think about it.

We are here to demand the liberation of our brother,

Grant, from the deep, dark dungeons of tyranny.

This man was a peaceful man. He was a grower.

He was a healer. And he gave me

really good weed at very reasonable prices.

Granddad, stop snitching. Ha-ha.

We won't let you push us around.

We have the right to pursue happiness.

And this is happiness. And I shall pursue it, happily.

[PEOPLE ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]

GRANDDAD: Wait, does anyone have a light?

Robert. Robert?

Grant? But I thought you were in jail.

I posted bail. What are you doing here?

So you're free? I got six months' probation,

can't smoke, but weed's not worth my freed--

What are you doing out here?

Wait, wait, I change my mind.

No, wait. Sir, I'm placing you

under arrest for disturbing the peace...

Hey, wait a minute, officer.

Come on. You don't understand.

I change my mind. Forget all that stuff I said.

I take it back. Do over.

I'm a Republican, Democrat, Conservative, Tea Party!

Oh, dude, I am so bummed to see you here again.

Your Honor, I plead not guilty on the grounds

that I wouldn't have had to do a protest

if you had let me have weed in the first place.

This is silly. I'm an old man.

I fought for my country. I've earned the right

to smoke weed. No, no, no.

But I admit that I probably went too far.

So I guess maybe I am guilty.

Granddad, stop snitching.

[GAVEL BANGS] [LAUGHING]

Anyway, I learned my lesson.

And I decided, if you let me go,

I'm gonna move to California

so as to be in compliance with the law.

What? All right.

Really, Granddad?

Yeah, yeah!

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Okay, Mr. Freeman, you got yourself a deal.

I'll agree to no jail time

and you are free to go to California.

RILEY: Yeah! That's what's up!

Immediately after serving three weeks of house arrest,

followed by two years' probation with mandatory drug testing,

and we'll throw in some community service for fun.

Hi, my name is Robert Freeman.

Recently I started smoking pot.

Marijuana didn't make me happier,

it didn't make me cool. It didn't do anything,

except almost cost me my family and my freedom.

So if you wanna be like me, a loser,

go ahead and smoke.

[LAUGHING]

That was crazy. Granddad, you make weed look so uncool,

I don't think I'm ever gonna smoke.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go take

a stroll around the block, 'cause I can.

Want me get you anything while I'm out, Granddad?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, bring me a brand-new belt

with a big spiked buckle

so I can whup your little smart behind.

Well, for what it's worth, it's not too terrible

having the old Granddad back.

Yeah, well, it's worth nothing, but thank you.

[♪♪♪]