Original subtitles

- Are you ready, kids?

kids: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

kids: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

kids: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

[flute plays]

[waves crashing]

[light jazzy music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, Lady Upturn!

Always a delight to have you back at our gallery.

- I'm bored by the art in my home.

What do you have that's new and interesting?

[sniffs] Ick.

- Oh, I-I've been saving our newest and finest

pieces just for you.

This work is by one of our emerging artists.

- Bleh.

Where did they emerge from, under a rock?

- Ah, how did you know?

- Lady Upturn, I am so, so sorry.

I should never have shown you that dreck.

Never fear.

This next work is guaranteed to excite.

[wheels squeaking]

Bikini Bottom's premier dance troupe

has created a performance so new,

even they don't know what it is yet.

[claps]

[dissonant jazz music playing]

♪

- Yawn.

Moving in time to music is hardly new.

This does nothing for me, either.

- Oh, surely, there's something here you'll enjoy.

- No, I'm afraid not.

Regigilled!

I need a walk to clear my mind.

Carry me. - Very good, ma'am.

[grunting]

- Alas, I have failed.

Ow.

[peaceful music]

- Whoo! [laughs]

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

- No!

- [screaming] - [howling]

- [wailing]

♪ ♪

- Oh? - Oh.

My apologies, madam.

I shall remove your person from this cacophony at once.

- No, no, Regigilled. Take me closer.

- [groans] As you wish.

♪ ♪

- You, there!

Yes, you!

- I'm allowed to play my clarinet here.

It's a free ocean, you know.

I'm not stopping!

- Stop?

I wouldn't dream of it.

That is the most interesting and avant-garde music

I have heard in years.

Oh, it is sublime.

Do you have a patron? I simply must be yours.

- Yeah, yeah, very funny.

What is this, one of those hidden-camera TV prank shows?

- Heavens, no.

Television is the lowest form of art.

Regigilled, pay the man.

- You can't just buy the soul of a raw talent like myself.

[cash register bell dings]

Lady, you just bought yourself an artist.

[upbeat music]

Hello, losers.

- Hi, Squidward.

- What's with all the joy, Mr. Squidward?

- I'm a paid musician now.

- You? Musician? Paid?

[laughing]

- Laugh all you want, but it's true.

I don't need this minimum-wage prison anymore.

I quit.

- [laughing]

[fanfare playing, horn honks]

[laughing]

Huh?

[fanfare continues]

[horn honks, tires squealing]

- Wow!

Squidward's dreams are finally coming true.

[fanfare continues]

[tires screech]

- Welcome to your new home, Mr. Tentacles.

[objects tinkling]

- Oh, my, it's incredible.

But where are you going to live?

- [groans] - [laughs] The mansion is mine.

You just get one tiny room.

- [gasps] Oh, my.

Wow! - [laughs]

- I cannot wait to show you off

to my wealthy, taste-making friends,

so you better get writing.

- Yes, ma'am, ma'am.

- Toodle-oo, you genius, you.

[regal music]

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

♪ ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[pen scratching]

♪ ♪

[shimmering tone, angelic singing]

[off-key tune continues]

[upbeat orchestral music]

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ♪

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ ♪

Out of my way, peon.

- So sorry, my lord.

- Wow, Squidward.

That was very, uh, confident of you.

- Yes.

Being an artist requires having an artist's temperament,

you boob.

[snaps tentacles]

What took you so long?

Now, then, I'm only here to invite you

both to my big debut concert.

[inhales deeply] [clarinet squeaks]

[clarinet honks] - Huh?

- Witness my rebirth on the grandest stage

in Bikini Bottom...

if you can get the time off. [laughing]

- [growls] Somehow, he's even more annoying now

than when he worked here. [horn honking]

- Wait, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward is just being insufferable because his dreams

are coming true.

We have to go and support him. We're his friends.

- Well, "friends" is a strong word, but fine.

[sweeping music]

♪ ♪

[door opens] - Hiya, Squidward.

Mr. Krabs and I just wanted to wish you luck

before your big show.

- [scoffs] Luck? Don't be stupid.

I'm the greatest musician who ever lived.

Rich people say so.

- Can't argue with money. - Now, go find your seats.

I'm in the middle of my pre-show ritual,

and I don't want to be bothered.

- Eh.

[indistinct chatter]

[cheers and applause]

- Good evening, music lovers.

Like me, I'm sure you are tired of the same old notes being

played the same old ways.

Well, fear not.

Tonight you will finally hear something new.

Tonight I present to you

Mr. Squidward Tentacles.

[cheers and applause]

[fanfare playing]

- Forget your wedding.

Forget the birth of your first child.

This is going to be

the greatest night of your lives.

[applause]

all: Oh!

- [inhales deeply]

[off-key tune playing]

♪ ♪

[all groaning]

♪ ♪

- [screams]

♪ ♪

[screaming]

- Oh, isn't it dazzling, Doctor?

[electricity crackling] Oh. [laughing]

- Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Pardon me, Lady Upturn.

May I...?

- Of course, Dr. Fishberg.

[electricity crackling]

- Lady Upturn, there's a jellyfish blocking your ears.

- Oh, goodness!

It must have gotten stuck up there during my walk

through Jellyfish Fields.

[music continues]

- Oh. Is that what he really sounds like?

♪ ♪

This music is terrible!

- Indeed.

The jellyfish's buzzing must have altered the noise

to be more pleasurable for you.

- Oh!

♪ ♪

- [inhales deeply]

- Stop that racket!

Stop it!

- How dare you interrupt m--

- I have a confession to make.

[feedback whines]

A jellyfish was obstructing my ears,

so I hadn't truly heard this fraud's music.

And now that I have,

I am offended!

- Hey!

- To make up for this abysmal performance,

I would like to invite you all back to my home

to experience real music

by my newest artiste, Maestro Patrick Star.

- What?

[cheers and applause]

[musical flatulence]

♪

- [screams, laughs]

- Yay!

♪

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Huh? Uh...

[groans]

[laid-back music]

Oh.

- Whoo! Go, Squidward! - Encore! Encore!

- We want more! - [whistles]

- We want more! - Do you really mean it?

- Of course.

We've got jellyfish.

- Huh.

I'll take what I can get.

[off-key tune playing]

- Yeah! Whoo! - Whoo-hoo!

- Come on, Squidward!

[both cheering]

♪ ♪

[haunting music]

♪ ♪

- This just in: New evidence that

unidentified flying objects have been secretly visiting

Bikini Bottom for years.

General, what are the chances that these photos

and videos are just a hoax?

- 99.99999%.

- There you have it--

conclusive proof that there is a 0.00001% chance

UFOs are real.

- That means there could be evidence of UFOs anywhere!

- Let's go find some.

- Here, alien.

- Alien! Alien!

[upbeat music]

- Hmm. - Huh?

[mumbling]

- Uh, huh?

[Patrick laughing]

- [groans] Huh?

[shouts]

[giggling]

- It's the middle of the night!

What are you two idiots doing?

- We found an alien crop circle!

- It's only a crop circle because you're

stomping on my begonias!

- Huh?

- Okay.

Yeah, that is us.

- We're hunting space aliens and UFOs.

- Space aliens and UFOs do not exist.

Go to sleep!

[laughter]

- [grumbling]

Okay.

You want to see space aliens?

I'll show you space aliens.

[eerie music]

- This could definitely be a UFO.

♪ ♪

- [exclaims]

A real UFO!

both: First contact!

First contact!

First contact! - [laughs]

[eerie music]

both: Whoa!

- Intergalactic.

- Spacey.

- Cosmic.

[grunting]

♪ ♪

- We just got hit by a flying saucer!

- Yeah! - Yeah! Cool!

- Cool! Yeah!

- [in monotone voice] Greetings, earthlings.

- A r-r-real space alien.

Greetings, sir.

- [laughs]

It's me, you tinfoil twits.

It was all me.

Space aliens don't exist.

Got it?

- Thank you, Squidward.

We can see now how silly we really were.

I know.

Let's play superheroes instead.

- Yeah!

At least we know they're real.

[laughing]

- Idiots.

[eerie music]

[ship whirring]

[beeping]

♪ ♪

- At last, evidence of our ancient aquatic ancestors.

- We must take the artifact back to the ship.

We'll be rich.

Rich, I say.

[laughing]

- I told you two, space aliens don't exist.

Go away!

- Oh, no.

The artifact is infested with a parasite.

- We must eradicate it before our departure.

- I'm telling you, it's always something.

[snoring softly]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[can rattling]

- Huh?

Who--who's there?

Ahh!

[screaming]

- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[exhaling] [sizzling]

- [whimpering]

♪ ♪

- [laughs]

[growls]

- Ah-ha!

[dryer whirring]

- [screams] - [groaning]

- My holes!

My holes!

Oh, my holes!

[both groaning]

- Thank Neptune I have my readers.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

Have SpongeBob and Patrick gone cuckoo?

[growls]

You!

[shouts]

[growls]

SpongeBob and Patrick, take off those stupid masks!

I know it's you.

- Stop it.

You're hurting me.

- Mayday! Mayday!

We need backup.

- [groaning]

[glass breaking]

- [laughing]

- Will you two shut up in there?

I'm trying to get your heads--

off?

♪ ♪

Those nimrods were right.

Aliens are real!

[screams]

[whimpering]

SpongeBob, let me in!

You were right!

Tell Patrick you were right!

- Success.

The vermin has evacuated.

- Let's take the artifact to our ship

before that horrible stinkbug comes back.

[ship beeping]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[whirring]

- [whimpers]

♪ ♪

[rumbling]

- No! Wait! Wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

[whimpering]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[grunts]

Hmm.

- So I says, I'll show youa tractor beam.

[laughter]

- All right, who's in charge here?

I want to speak to the manager.

- Manager?

- [sighs]

[in monotone voice] Take me to your leader.

- That would be our supervisor.

His office is down this hall.

You just make a left then a right.

- Don't talk to him.

He is the vermin we eradicated.

- Looks like somebody failed eradication class.

[laughter]

- Zip it.

I outrank you both.

- I want you to put my home back where you found it.

- Could you step forward?

I'm hard of hearing.

- Sure.

And another thing.

What's the big idea of coming to my planet

and taking my house out of my yard

just because it looked like your stupid head?

[squelching]

[muffled shouting]

- Talking vermin are the worst kind.

Am I right?

- Just so it's not a total loss,

I say we run some tests and do a probe.

- Hooray! We're doing a probe!

all: Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe! - Probe?

- Probe! Probe! Probe!

Probe! Probe!

[ominous music]

[squelching]

- [grunts]

[mechanical clank]

[mechanical whir]

- X-ray.

Despite the large cranium,

the brain seems below average size.

- Hey!

[heart thumping]

- High blood pressure.

Better watch that temper.

Rotate neck.

[cranking]

♪ ♪

Nose hose.

- [grunts]

[air whooshing]

♪ ♪

Impressive storage space.

Now for the fun part.

[whirring, clanking]

- [inhales]

- Ahh!

[grunting]

[beeps]

- Freedom!

- [horn blasts]

all: Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

- [whimpering]

[whirring]

[panting]

Huh?

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[heartbeat thumping]

- Daddy.

- [screams]

[whimpering]

Huh?

[dramatic music]

[shouting]

♪

[whirring]

No!

Please don't probe me!

[whirring, clanking]

♪ ♪

Huh?

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

- In this probe, I will be asking you

embarrassing questions about your childhood.

- Well, I guess I did have trouble making friends.

- Then when I was three, I said, "Mumsy, I told you,

I don't like kelp juice."

And she said, "Well, I don't like being called Mumsy."

And then-- all: Enough!

[whirs] [thuds]

[upbeat music]

- Good riddance, vermin.

Keep your dumb, old artifact.

- And you can keep your mother stories too.

Oy vey!

♪ ♪

- Squidward, if I didn't know better,

I'd be thinking that was a real alien spaceship.

- But we do know better, huh, Squidward?

- I was wrong, okay?

Aliens are real!

I was on their ship, and I was telling them about my mother,

and--and--and--and--

- We get it, Squidward.

- Aliens don't exist!

- But they do exist.

[grunts]

[sighs] Of course.