Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(door opens)

(clears throat)

They're ready for you now.

Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.

Bournemouth.

But you don't know the others.

No, but I'm familiar with you.

Why do you want to be an MP?

Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are.

And rather than sit back and moan,

I'd prefer to do something about it.

(man) Go again from the start.

Ok. I don't know why anyone's surprised the world's

number one teen idol's become a Scientologist.

Speed up the autocue please.

Popstars do believe in weird things.

Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly.

They said show you this.

- This happen just now? - Mm-hm.

Gladwell?

"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns capitals -

over Twitter porn pic scandal."

Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.

"Originally claimed his account had been hacked.

Resignation statement admits 'inappropriate correspondence'

with a 15-year-old girl.

What's he tweeting dick photos as "correspondence" now is it?

"Departure triggers a by-election in his Stentonford

and Hersham constituency."

Well you get to use the Gladwell stuff.

Mm-hm.

Bump it all to the top of the monologue.

Anyone seen Jamie?

(phone ringing)

(Jamie) Rach-

(Rachel) Oh. You shouldn't be calling me any more.

You need to sort yourself out.

I am.

Focus on Waldo. That's going well for you.

But it's not...

He's a hit, Jamie.

"He", not me, "he".

Oh, just do your show.

I will...

- (knocking on door) - I mean, hon, if you'd just...

(woman) Jamie.

Jamie, hurry up.

(woman) What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham?

Safe Tory seat,

so realistically I know there's not much of a chance but...

So it's a stepping stone for you?

Yes.

Obviously I wouldn't say that outside of this room but...

You want me to be honest, there's no point in pretending.

Is there anything in your past that

might conceivably cause problems?

No.

Except...

I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield

between '99 and 2003 but that, apart from that...

Well. Thank you, Gwendolyn.

If you could leave via that door.

Oh. That door?

We like to keep the candidates separate.

Right. Yes.

Idiot, idiot.

(man) Shamed supergroomer and all round pillock of the

community Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, saying

he could "no longer maintain his position": that position

presumably being "hunched over, wanking madly at schoolkids".

(laughter)

- You ready? - Uh-huh.

...how old the girl wasn't.

That's the sort of feeble excuse

only a naive schoolkid could swallow.

Which presumably was the idea.

Anyway the bad news is he's resigned in disgrace.

The good news is he's now free to pursue a full-time

career in the disgraced paedophile industry.

(laughter)

Personally I don't understand why anyone's surprised the...

Um, small change to the intro.

- What? - Nothing huge.

Conor wanted the Jacko gag for the monologue...

That was my bit.

There's the Chancellor stuff, you could use that.

- Bit "politics". - You can do politics.

I do piss taking.

Go be Waldo.

Yes, commander.

(Conor) R Kelly believed he could fly.

And Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified.

Big. Bold. Blue. Bear. Bollocks.

And now it's time for our final visit to the world of

educational children's programming courtesy of

everyone's favourite and only occasionally inappropriate

cool kids TV character, Waldo.

(applause)

Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.

Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week?

Well, Conor. In my big pink cave this week

I had former minister for culture Liam Monroe.

He's quite handsome isn't he?

I was hoping he'd nosh me off.

Wanna see how it panned out?

I think we should.

Run VT!

Hey, everybody. It's Waldo time. Yaaayy!

Cool! Cool! Waldoriffic!

Hey, kids. My guest this week is Mister Monroe.

Hello, Mister Monroe.

Hello, Waldo.

Mister Monroe is a "politician."

Po-li-ti-shann.

So what is a politician, Mr Monroe?

Well a politician is someone who tries to make

the world a fairer place.

Like Batman?

Not exactly like Batman.

Do you beat people up?

No, I don't beat people up.

Are you a pussy then?

Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what you...

You don't know what pussy is?

(laughter)

Okay, clearly this is some kind of joke.

No joke, sorry, let's move on. Friends again?

(kissing sounds)

Hello, mate. Great show.

Good. Yeah.

(Jack) Well done, really good. So uhm, we'll bring him over.

You go and get him, I'll explain about...

Jamie.

What you want, Miss Tamsin?

Behind me, man in glasses, talking to Jack Napier.

Jack freaks me out.

Yeah, ditto, but he owns the company,

and the man he's with is important

and wants to talk to you.

He's from the channel.

Go on.

(Jack) Honestly what, all I'm saying is -

(Jim) Is he shy?

(Jack) No all's I'm saying is he's a terrific guy -

Jim, Jamie. Jamie, Jim.

How do you do?

Jim, Jack James -

Jamie.

Jim was just talking about Waldo.

Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint.

Toys out of the pram.

And that's...

Good press.

So tough to get a breakthrough these days,

but when it does, well, it's just fantastic.

It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe,

you know all those twats, its punk, it's- it's--

(Conor) Jack.

Excuse me.

Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo.

Loves him.

Look, I know this show is coming back again next year

but we want to see more of Waldo.

They want to do a pilot.

A Waldo pilot?

Yeah. I mean how does that sound?

Yeah, that sounds good.

Sounds Storming Norman, Fucking Storming.

Gonna give it to 'em!

(cell beep)

(man) Yeah but look, we can't do sketches without Waldo,

it's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show,

it's gotta be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.

Realistically there isn't the budget for other animations.

I mean live action, other characters I can do.

What about The Brown Knight?

What, the "Crap Crusader"?

(woman) We can look into the Brown Knight.

But right now, let's, let's find more Waldo ideas.

(cell phone rings)

(Jamie) The problem is any guests we book will be in on it.

They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise has gone.

Yeah, So we think round that.

Hey, boys and girls, it's Waldo Time!

Yeahhhhh!

He's awesome, isn't he?

I mean, look.

Sod "name in lights", you're an app now my brother.

Alright, Sara. How's the think tanking going? Good shit?

Yeah, yeah. We're making headway.

Good. I see our friend Monroe is in the news again.

Running in the Stentonford by-election.

We should get Waldo down there.

Hey. That's not a bad idea, actually.

We get a van...

right, with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side.

Like it.

And then when Monroe's doing a meet-and-greet,

we just turn up and just get under his skin.

I love that. I love it.

- I've done Monroe. - But, It was a great bit.

I'm dumb or clever enough to be political. I just...

Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election?

Get people to vote for him?

He's not real.

But people have stood as fictional characters before?

Do you think Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name?

We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot.

No one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point.

The point is we get to hang around.

We're there for the count.

Well, go on then, Sara. Whack it up there.

♪ ♪

(woman) He's with a mum and baby group.

Okay. Going live in five, four, three, two.

(Liam) Thank you so much for joining me this morning.

It's been incredibly informative and I think we should

have a little round of applause for the children.

Who were fantastic. Thank you, Naomi.

Thank you for your time.

Hey! Hey, it's me Waldo.

Oh, I like your trainers, man.

I'd wear trainers myself

but I can't 'cause I haven't got feet. I've got stumps.

(laughter)

He's out.

Hey, Mister Monroe! Mister Monroe. Hey!

Did you get off with any of the mums?

Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding?

They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe.

He said it! Mister Monroe, don't walk away from me.

I'm sorry about this, Liam.

Hey, I'm being snubbed. Hey, don't ignore me.

Don't just get in your car.

It's a death trap anyway, look at it.

Let's find out what we can about the idiot inside that thing.

(man) Sure.

(Waldo) Mr Monroe. Oi!

(woman) Stentonford labour party.

Right, you've got a choice of styles,

so just choose one from there, then you put your name in there.

This is like bloody Moonpig.

(man) Don't knock the free mail-out.

Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher Price leaflet app.

He doesn't have to.

Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham.

And Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running.

The licence fee is something that's very close to my

heart and I suspect...

(Waldo) Mister Monroe! Look at me Mister Monroe!

Hey, over here! Hey, over here. Look over here, Mister Monroe.

(Liam) The conservative party have been er-- have

been arguing for a reduction of the licence fee for...

Good morning, everybody. Why you ignoring me, Mister Monroe?

Why you ignoring me? Mister Monroe?

Mister Monroe? Why you ignoring me?

Mum with a pushchair, drag her into it.

Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. Yeah, you.

Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me.

Why are you ignoring Waldo?

Mr. Monroe, what's Waldo done to you?

We should probably just shift before this turns stupid.

I'm not walking away from a cartoon.

I'm not ignoring you.

Yeah, you were, you upset me. You made Waldo sad.

Wah.

Well, obviously I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset!

Wah!

Let him get a word in.

I'm not ignoring "you" because there is no "you."

You are an image voiced by a comedian,

an alleged comedian more accurately.

If I'm not real, why you talking to him?

And by him I mean me. Nobber.

Right.

There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon.

Oooh, "converse", your lordship; thy flowery language

doth give me a right throbbing bone-on.

Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh.

Finished.

Drink?

I've got emails.

You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?

The Labour candidate.

Did you read my background doc?

Yes.

Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.

I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first.

Are you my dad?

Apparently not.

See you tomorrow.

(TV reporter) Today in the Stentonford by-election.

Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence.

The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign in

typically loud and crowd-pleasing style.

Someone's bold? Do I know you?

Nice way to greet a voter.

Sorry, I thought...

Actually, I'm more of a rival.

"Hey Mister Monroe, Mister Monroe.

Why are you ignoring me, Mister Monroe".

You're good at that.

Because I am "that".

What? You're that thing?

Waldo's not a "thing". He's a bear.

Liam Monroe calls him worse.

Nice work there, by the way.

Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically.

Another one?

Okay. One.

The way you describe it,

it's like you're doing this for a showreel.

No, but...

Like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show.

Shhh!

But your party leader has to show up because it's a mid-thing-

Midterm by-election.

Terminology tits.

You are twelve.

So because leaderballs is there, suddenly it's walk-on

in a Ricky Gervais sketch show so it's good exposure.

You're not gonna win, you know you're not gonna win.

Come on, shhh.

You're not gonna win though.

Of course not.

So why not be honest? Say "You arseholes aren't going

to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway."

It doesn't work like that.

Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.

You're angry for someone who's doing well.

I'm the voice of a blue bear.

If that's doing well, then we are doomed.

I can't see.

(Jamie) Hang on, there's a thing.

Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old?

Don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it.

Shit, really?

(loud moaning)

You're amazing.

Sorry?

You're amazing?

Ha! Thank you.

(sighs)

What's up?

Nothing.

Are you sure?

It's just...

I haven't been happy in a while

and this is good, you know.

Mm.

Can I have your number?

Yes.

♪ ♪

Where's our mark this morning?

We're out on the road.

Ooh. Bien sur.

Hello. I'm Mister Monroe.

Vote for me and keep things shitty.

(laughs)

(cell beep)

Vote Waldo. Vote Waldo.

Vote Waldo. Vote Waldo.

(Gwendolyn) You're right. Strong Tory.

I warned you.

You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart.

(horn honks)

(man) I'm voting Waldo!

I met Waldo last night.

Jamie, the guy who plays him. He's fun.

Fun?

Mmm-hmm.

Did you tell him anything about our campaign?

Not really.

Not really or no?

Not really.

Look, he's okay.

He's a comedian.

He's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next.

His act is all f-this and penis jokes.

- But... - Don't see him again.

Okay. Job done till the husting tomorrow.

Some media students doing a Question Time type thing;

they've asked Waldo to join the panel.

Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time.

It's students, you'll walk it.

I can't answer serious questions!

No one wants you to!

You're the comic relief, lighten up.

Just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there.

(cell rings)

(Roy) Are there any issues you're concerned about at all?

(ringing stops)

(disconnect tone)

Hey.

Oh, hi.

I thought we were going to...

Sorry I've had a tough day.

Right. Not even one?

Sorry.

Well, what about tomorrow?

Look, I can't. When this is happening, I can't see you.

- What do you mean? - I'm sorry.

Do they think that looks like Question Time?

Yeah. It looks politicsy.

Check the host. Jailbait Dembleby.

When it comes to addiction and addicts

we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise.

You know serious drug use is a criminal offence,

that is committed voluntarily and for pleasure.

Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts.

Waldo, what do you think?

Mister Monroe, are you addicted?

No.

Sorry I mean "Are you a dickhead?"

(laughter)

I think we have to ask ourselves...

I think we have to ask ourselves

"What is this for"? And "Why do we waste our time

with animated trivialities like him? I mean why?

Why?

I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why?

This is just the kind of thing, rather than see you laugh...

They laugh at you, Limbo.

You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage.

Who is scared to engage,

who hides behind a children's cartoon.

Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?

I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter.

- That's your name, isn't it? - Don't worry about it.

James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this.

He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up

surprisingly quickly: you were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed

minor success about six years ago and the, the others moved

on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have

been playing the, the part of a corn-on-the-cob in a high

interest personal loan commercial.

I notice you're, you keep that pretty quiet.

And now of course operating this,

this sort of teddy bear thing.

Which by the way is easier than it looks.

Anyone could do it. See this is, this is the thing.

It's easy, what he does.

He mocks.

And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is

actually quite often, he just swears.

I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases

the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful

discussion of the issues.

So I return to my original question,

is that really what this is for?

He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say.

Prove me wrong. Huh? Speak, Waldo.

Please.

Come on. Speak up.

There you see, nothing.

Aw, go fuck yourself.

(laughter)

There. More swearing.

You're a joke. You look less human than I do

and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.

(laughter)

What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair.

Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously?

No one takes you seriously, that's why no one votes.

- The vast majority do vote. - Bullshit.

Surely this is enough?

You think you deserve respect?

Well, just common courtesy.

Because you went to public school and

grew up believing you're entitled to everything?

Ad hominem nonsense.

Gwendolyn Harris we...

Something's got to change.

No one trusts you lot 'cause they know

you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble.

What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddy-flasher, you knew

him for 20 years, did you not know what he was like?

No, of course not.

Yeah, 'cause you're all just front, like him,

sly and pretending, and in that way you're all the same.

Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time?

Well, of course I think no.

Oh, shut up. You're worse.

Seriously, she's faker than him.

For once I find myself agreeing with Liam Monroe in

that this really doesn't get us anywhere, and there's

not much point in us continuing to...

Why are you here? Tell them why you're here.

Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're here.

She's here to build a showreel. I'm not kidding,

that's literally it. Knows she's not going to win,

this is all experience, to get herself on telly.

She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here

than he does because he'll actually have to represent you.

Am I wrong?

A career politician, someone else less real than me,

and I can do this.

(laughter)

Can I just make a couple of points...

Oh, shut up, you pebble.

What is this for? Is that what you wanted to know?

And the truth is, none of us know any more thanks to you.

What are you for? What are you for?

Thank you and goodnight.

(loud panting)

♪ ♪

(knocks on door)

(Tamsin) Jamie.

Jamie?

Jack says he wants to see us.

You can't avoid it.

Get dressed. He'll meet us outside.

(Reporter) And yet accusations of vapidity aside, it's clearly

tapped a nerve: in just three days, Waldo has gone viral.

The video of his clash has already been viewed over a

million times on YouTube.

There are Facebook groups calling on

Waldo to form a national party.

(Waldo) You're a joke. You look less human than I do

and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise--

What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair.

Assuming you're my superior because I'm

not taking you seriously? No one takes you seriously.

Oh, look here he is, the man of the moment!

How does it feel to be a phenomenon?

(Jamie) Shitifying.

You are everywhere, my son.

Twitter, the news, have you seen the poll?

You're in third place, mate. You overtook that Lib Dem prick.

Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.

This is an opportunity, Jamie.

He knows my name now.

(Jack) We could really do something here.

You know everyone's pissed with the

status quo, and Waldo gives that a voice.

Waldo's a bear, a blue bear.

Tell him, Tams.

We've been asked on Consensus.

It's a ten minute one-to-one interview

- with Phillip Crane. - "Pitbull Crane"?

Big guns for big guns.

Hello? I'm not a politician, okay?

I don't want to be a politician.

(Jack) We know that you hate politics.

I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them.

You don't need to be interested in them.

You just need to be Waldo.

And when Crane asks something tricky and

I look stupid because I don't know how to answer?

You'll know the answer. Because you have a producer.

Look, I can tell you what to say.

I can live-google any facts,

give you stats, quotes, whatever else you need.

So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff

and the rest is Waldo and you can do that in your sleep.

You'll piss all over Crane.

He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it.

Yeah, good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it.

All the other MPs have got teams, we're just

more honest about it. Now come on. What d'you say? Ey?

Jamie. Jamie!

Why would I want to do this?

Look the world is knackered and you can do something about it.

I don't know what you're on about.

Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young

don't give a shit about anything except trainers and pirating films.

Do you have any other astounding theories about young people?

Yeah, yeah, I do actually. Look, they care about Waldo,

they'll vote for Waldo. The video was a hit for a reason...

The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it.

I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate -

It doesn't matter-

Or funny which is almost worse.

We can build on that.

Waldo's not real.

Exactly! That's what you said that really hit home,

he's not real, but he's realer than all the others.

He doesn't stand for anything.

Yeah well at least he doesn't pretend to. Look we, we don't

need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers right?

So any decision that has to be made, any policy we just

put it online. Let the people vote thumbs up,

thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy.

That's a, that's an actual democracy.

So's YouTube and I don't know if you've seen it but the most

popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.

Well, today it's Waldo.

No. It's still the dog.

Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change

if we fucked the politicians out the equation.

I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door.

Do you know who owns Waldo? I do, I own the rights.

He's my character.

Yeah, written for my show.

You're too frightened to take to the next level.

Fine. I understand. But also: fuck off.

And watch me fly.

You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.

(Waldo voice) Eh Jamie, Jamie. What's happening?

Pretty close I'd say.

What's happening? Ahh, Waldorific yeahh, yeahhh.

Why's it going of left a bit?

Because the...

I know I've got my...

Put your thumb in the white thing -

I got that in there. Okay.

That's not how that works.

First tonight, a figure, or more accurately

a character who's been causing an upset in the

Stentonford by-election. Unlike the other candidates

he has no party affiliation. He doesn't even have a surname.

He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just a cult character in a

comedy show, today, an official mascot for protest voters .

Vote Waldo.

Cartoons don't play by the rules and Waldo's open disdain

for his opponents has clearly struck a chord.

Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised aren't you

ultimately neutralizing seriously effective dissent?

Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please?

By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous.

Dangerous, you think the public can't be trusted?

No.

Isn't that basically you calling them twats?

No, I...

Bellends, then?

Did you actually come here for a discussion or...

You're snooty for a glorified Punch and Judy man, Phil.

You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months

'cause I'm here.

To even get close to the figures,

I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,

you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air.

Make a nice prawn cocktail.

Yeah could we make a serious political point that is.

I've got one big blue point to make, fool.

Would you like to have a look at it?

Great work tonight. Look at, Look at this, look at this.

It's The Waldo polling app. Now this can pinpoint you

with GPS so that when you're at a polling station

it unlocks loads of free shit, look.

(Waldo) Thanks for voting, dickhead!

Thanks for voting, dickhead!

(laughs) It's good isn't it?

Who's this guy we're meeting?

I dunno. But he's from Washington

and he's got my restricted number.

Jeff Carter, from the agency.

(Jack) Hey.

Hey. And I'll leap right in.

I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating.

From "the agency"?

Yeah, listen, Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead.

Waldo the bear.

The bear people like. The fact he's a bear's an assist.

- "An assist"? - It helps.

(Jeff) Right. You look at human politicians;

you're instinctively like brrrr - uncanny, right?

Like the girls in porn you just know something's wrong,

'cause why else are they doing it?

It's usually Daddy issues, ey.

Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that.

You already know he's not real. So no personal flaws.

I'm a person.

With respect, Waldo's more than you.

He's a team, and you're open about that, which is fantastic.

The honesty thing works.

Waldo is a construct people not just accept but embrace.

At the moment he's anti-politics,

which is a political stance in itself, right?

But he could deliver any brand of political

content, minus the potential downsides of a human messenger.

In a debate, your team could google every word the other guy

says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a

Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence.

He's the perfect assassin.

We won't win though.

You guys are so British.

No, of course he won't win, you started out too coarse off the

bat, there's no substantial basis to what you offer, and the

whole nihilist "democracy sucks" thing yeah is kind of wack-a-doo

but with a targeted, hopeful message which we of course can

provide. Energising the disenfranchised without spooking

the middle via your new platform: you got a global

political-entertainment product people actually want.

You could roll this out worldwide.

- Like Pringles. - Absolutely.

It's... It's interesting stuff though.

When you're done with Stentonford,

there may be an opportunity in South America.

Se puede hablar español?

Vivi en Madrid tres años.

Excelente.

What?

He's not coming.

But he's the party leader.

It's too toxic.

(woman) Meanwhile as support for Gwendolyn Harris appears to

be dwindling, Labour denies the party is losing faith

in their young candidate but Miss Harris spent most of the

day locked in crisis talks at party head...

(turns TV off)

(radio) In the Stentonford by-election,

Waldo the cartoon bear continues to...

Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday?

She looks like she's been poisoned.

Because he's gonna overtake her.

If that thing is the main opposition, then the

whole system looks absurd.

Which it may well be.

But it built these roads.

(knocks on door)

Just come in, Roy.

I'm sorry, okay?

It was wrong to speak to you like that...

After the campaign, I would've called you.

After the campaign.

All you've done is strengthen Monroe.

You won't win either, but I was at least attempting

to represent...

Well, I don't know, not just bollocks to everything.

If you were preaching revolution, that'd be something.

But you're not because that'd require courage and a mindset.

And what have you got?

Who are you?

What are you for?

Morning.

So final push.

You remind everyone that's got the app, that if they

recommend it to friends it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.

(Tamsin) We're here.

Attention shoppers.

I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round.

Come over here and listen.

Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously.

Vote for Monroe or Harris or I dunno,

UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy.

(woman) He's a prick!

Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me.

What Is this, irony?

I'm worse than a wasted vote.

He's from the Harris campaign.

I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me!

Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me!

Don't vote for...

Booo!

Shut up.

No. Don't boo him, he's right! He's right.

- What are you doing? - Resigning.

Jamie.

Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.

This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero.

You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news.

- (woman) He's funny. - He's not.

Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ah!

- (laughing) - So remember,

the polls are open, and if you've got my app,

you can unlock new stuff like catchphrases and a little

hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me.

So question the status quo!

(Jamie) Kill it!

Kick them where it hurts!

The first man to hit him gets five hundred quid!

Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down.

Smash it. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

(TV) I the undersigned, being the returning officer for the

Stentonford and Hersham constituency, hereby give

notice that the total number of votes recorded for each

candidate at the election is as follows.

Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats.

Two thousand four hundred and forty-nine.

(applause)

Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.

Eleven thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven.

Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative.

Nineteen thousand, one hundred and sixty one.

Waldo, Independent.

(yelling)

Sixteen thousand seven hundred and eighty four.

(cheering)

Ladies, Ladies and gentlemen, please, I declare that Liam Monroe

is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency.

(applause, booing)

(Waldo) Hey, hey everyone.

Five hundred quid to anyone who can lob a shoe!

(officer) Up you get, come on.

Come on!

Come on, out you go.

Come on.

(Chinese voice)

(officer) Oi!

(electricity crackles)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪