Original subtitles

Good morning, Ben.

Sorry.

Did I scare you?

No.

I just wanted to remind you

of the art show

that's happening tonight

at the community center.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Great. Well,

that sounds cool.

That sounds like something

that will be a big success.

You know?

I mean,

like everything that you

put your paws on.

Your fingers.

Leslie Knope!

Ben Wyatt. Ben, great news.

Do you remember

the woman I told you about

from the county

commissioner's office?

Um... Vaguely.

Sure you do. Cindy Miller.

Anyway, she's agreed to go out

on a date with you.

Oh.

You asked her out for me?

You're going to love her.

She is interesting,

smart and beautiful.

Inside and out.

Inner beauty is

very important.

And outer beauty is

also very important.

I thought you had a rule

about inter-government

relationships.

Don't worry. Her department

is completely

separate from ours.

This isn't anything

like your affair

with Tom Haverford.

We weren't... You... You...

I'm sorry,

who are you calling?

Cindy Miller.

Cindy Miller. Chris Traeger.

Guess who is standing

in this room

with me right now.

Oh, uh...

Ben Wyatt.

Ben, say hello.

Hi, Cindy. Sorry.

Hi. No apology necessary.

It's just Chris being Chris.

How are you doing?

Ooh! Sparks are flying!

We may have to call

the fire department.

It's a government joke.

I love setting people up.

Here's my secret.

I determine

someone's best qualities,

and then, I find someone else

with compatible qualities,

and I bring them together.

God, this sucks.

Why don't you just go home

for the rest of the day?

I can't go home,

because I have this

art show opening at

the community center,

and I can't stay

here because I see Ben,

and I can't date Ben

because of

Chris' stupid rules.

I feel so...

Powerless.

Yeah.

I'm like that light bulb.

Weak, flickering,

barely giving off any light,

unable to make out

with the light bulb

I want to make out with.

You know what might

make you feel better?

A hug?

Paxil. Do you want me

to get you a prescription?

Hey, Tom! A question for you.

Do you know anyone

who's looking for a roommate?

How hot?

I... What?

How hot is the woman that's

looking for a place to stay?

No, it's me. I'm looking.

Come on. That's not fair.

You shouldn't have led me to

believe it was

a beautiful woman.

I didn't.

I've been staying at

the Pawnee Super Suites

Motel for seven months.

It's a charming

little inn with wonderfully

random wake-up calls,

delightfully

unstable temperatures,

and, as of yesterday, bedbugs.

"Four stars," says nobody.

I wish I could help you,

Benihana, but I can't.

I have a one-bedroom.

I can't have a dude

sleeping on my couch

if and when I

bring home a lady.

I have a ritual,

and it starts on the couch.

We sit down,

clap my hands, lights dim.

Okay. I understand.

Boyz Il Men. Fades in.

Please, stop. No.

No, you don't need

to explain the ritual.

I'm good.

You know who might

be able to help out

a homeless dude

such as yourself?

This is awesomely perfect.

Burly just moved in

with his rich girlfriend,

and we need

help with the rent.

We have a couple of

house rules, though.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

You can't use the front door.

You have to climb in

through the back window.

No personal

phone conversations.

If you ever speak

to me in Spanish,

please use the formal "usted".

And no

electricity after 6:00 p.m.

She's joking.

Okay.

You can use as much

free electricity as you want.

It's free.

Couple more rules.

If you ever watch a sad movie,

you have to wear

mascara so we can see

whether or not

you've been crying.

There's no noise

allowed on Mondays,

and no TV after breakfast.

She is lying again.

She is.

Yes.

Because it's hard to tell.

No. We leave

the TV on all day long

so burglars think

that we're home

when we're not,

which was my idea that

I'm trying to patent.

So, you want to

move in tonight?

Yeah. Sure.

That would be great.

You want my gum?

Uh-huh.

Ron, can you make

the opening remarks?

I'm just...

I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I. Ever.

What's wrong with you?

You live for

this kind of stuff.

I don't have it

in me right now.

Ron, please. Do it for me.

Make the speech.

Ron, please. Please.

Give the speech, Ron.

No.

Yes. Please? Ron? Please.

No.

Please give the speech.

No. I won't.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

No way.

Please, please,

please, please, please.

No.

Please, please.

Yes, yes...

All right! Damn it, woman.

Okay, everyone.

Shut up and look at me!

Welcome to

"Visions of Nature."

This room has

several paintings in it.

Some are big. Some are small.

People did them,

and they are here now.

I believe that

after this is over,

they'll be hung in

government buildings.

Why the government is involved

in an art show is beyond me.

I also think it's

pointless for a human

to paint scenes of nature

when they can just go outside

and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not

misinterpret the fact

that I am talking right now

as genuine interest in art

and attempt to

discuss it with me further.

End of speech.

And that's the TV room.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Can you throw that

in the trash can?

I was just here,

like, three weeks ago

for your wedding.

What happened?

Well, Burly moved out.

He was the one that

did all the cleaning

and throwing away and stuff.

Wait, he moved out,

like, a week ago.

You guys made

this mess in a week?

Well, I always think

April's going to clean up.

And I never clean up.

It's cute, right?

No.

Yes, it is.

Are you guys frying marbles?

We were checking to see

if the fire alarm worked.

It doesn't.

The biggest

challenge to picking

the perfect roommate is

finding someone

who's willing to pay more

than their share of

rent without knowing it.

I think we found that in Ben.

You forgot to

paint a painting, son.

So, for my painting,

I chose one

of my very

favorite Greek myths,

the centaur goddess, Dyaphena,

slaying a great stag.

It's stunning.

It's breathtaking, Jerry.

Yeah. It really is.

Wow. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Leslie,

you should really come

over here and look

at Jerry's painting.

Oh, my God.

That's me.

Is that me?

What? No.

Geez, it does

look like you.

You're just

realizing that now?

That's what you see

when you close your

eyes at night, Jerry.

Topless Leslie

glued to a horse.

Okay. Leslie,

I am just so, so sorry.

Dyaphena,

she is this powerful goddess,

and I've been thinking a lot

about powerful women,

and subconsciously,

I painted you.

I'm sorry. I'm going

to take it right down.

No. Leave it up.

I love it.

I don't know

how to explain it.

Every time I look at it,

I just think to myself,

"What can't that

centaur woman do?

"Besides ride

an escalator and drive a car."

Art can be so magnificent.

Oh, my God.

The baby is Tom.

What?

This is easily my

favorite painting ever.

What the hell, Jerry?

Look at my pot belly.

I look like a pregnant baby.

And why am I so scared?

All right, we've got

to take this down. Now.

No, this painting

isn't going anywhere, Tom.

It's staying right here.

Hello, fellow lover

of the arts.

Welcome to the painting.

What, is that you?

Well, it's hot.

Thank you.

This guy's in it, too.

He's the little fat baby.

Cool.

Yeah.

What's going on right here?

Baby rolls!

We've been trying to get

that light fixed for months.

Thank you.

Thank her.

Good morning, Tom.

She marched into my

office this morning

and told me she wouldn't leave

until I got this done.

Hmm.

Well, I'm glad

someone's feeling good.

They're going to

hang that painting

in a public building

where anybody can see it.

In one brush stroke,

Jerry has killed the

Jay-Z vibe

that's taken me

years to cultivate

and replaced it with the fat,

brown baby vibe,

which is not as

cool of a vibe.

Hey, Aphrodite. Chris

needs you in his office.

Hmm.

When you're done

with the light,

fix the printer.

I don't know how

to fix printers.

Learn it.

Leslie, should I go, too?

This isn't about you, Jerry.

It's my painting.

Why am I upset?

Let's start with

government-funded

animal porn.

I'm not sure

that's fair.

I want it destroyed,

and I want a statement

from this office

apologizing for an obscene

depiction of bestiality.

Bestiality? It is

a picture of a centaur,

a beautiful half person,

half horse.

And how did it

get like that?

Who had sex with what

and gave birth to which?

Ms. Langman, we hear you,

we understand you

and we are going to do

whatever we can to

come to a solution.

Destroy it.

Destroy it?

I mean, is she serious?

Do you find this

personally offensive?

Not personally, no.

No, personally,

I enjoy a good artistic

depiction of the human form.

I've dabbled in

nude sculpture.

I've posed nude.

In college,

I was in a nude

production of Cats.

But I am not in

the nude now, am I?

Because we're in

a government building.

And that would

be inappropriate,

which is what I

think Marcia is saying.

So, take care of

this situation.

That painting is not

going to be destroyed.

Every great work of

art contains a message.

And the message of

this painting is,

"Get out of my

way unless you want

an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

Morning, roomie.

How did you sleep?

Well, there were

no bedbugs.

Also, no bed.

I'm going to go buy a bed.

Fork.

I'm sorry.

Are you eating turkey

chili off of a frisbee?

Yeah. It's

pretty cute, right?

No. Do you know

what "cute" means?

What have you got against

turkey chili for breakfast?

What have you guys got

against washing dishes?

We don't have

any dishes, okay?

Burly took them

all when he left.

Now, I bet you

feel like a jerk.

God. Okay, I might need to not

stay here anymore.

No. Sorry, dude.

We already spent your money

on a new Xbox 360

and more

frisbees to eat off of.

You've got to stay.

God. Okay. All right.

Here's the deal.

We're going to

clean this place up.

Okay? And then,

I am going to teach you

how to be adults.

Cool. We'll get to be adults.

Gee, golly.

Thanks, mister.

Fork.

Hello. I'm Perd Hapley,

and welcome to Ya' Heard?

With Perd.

Today's show begins now.

Is this art

or is it pornography?

Here to answer this question

is Parks and

Recreation Deputy Director,

Leslie Knope.

Perd, it is

a beautiful work of art.

Governments should not be

in the business of censorship,

especially when a painting is

as awesome as this one.

But this is

where the controversy

of this story gets

even more controversial.

You are the subject

of this painting.

Half woman,

half horse, with what

some would say

are human breasts.

I am not the subject.

The subject is strong

and empowered

women everywhere.

But it does look

a little bit like me.

Leslie,

for our viewers at home

who might not know,

are centaurs real?

No.

Absolutely sure?

Okay. So, you always

separate your lights

from your darks.

That's racist.

And then,

you get your laundry...

Where is your

laundry detergent?

Right. Here we are.

Okay. This is

bubble bath. You guys...

You wash your

clothes in bubble bath?

Bubble bath,

clothes soap, same thing.

No, it's not.

Well, they both

make bubbles, so...

It was never our

intention to offend anyone

I guess some people

object to powerful

depictions of awesome ladies.

Okay.

Also joining us today

is a different person.

Pornographic film actress,

Brandi Maxxxx.

Pleasure to be here.

Brandi, you've starred in

over 200 adult films,

some of which are very good.

When did you get

into the business?

Last year.

Fantastic. Now,

this painting right here,

art or pornography?

Perd, I think this

whole debate is ridiculous.

What Leslie and I

do is obviously art.

Hang on.

There is a big difference

between an oil

painting of a Greek myth

and a pornographic movie.

It's okay, Leslie.

I got this one.

What?

What Leslie and I want

people to know is you

should be able to have sex

anywhere you want

and show it anywhere you want.

Whether it's girl-on-girl

action, bondage, or...

Yep.

...what have you.

Okay. Hang on.

Pornography is very

difficult to define.

In fact, it was Justice

Stewart who once said,

"I can't define pornography,

but I know it when I see it."

Brandi, how would

you define pornography?

For me, it's when

the penis goes in.

All right, we need to do

some basic organization.

Where do you put

your bills when

they come?

I read the magazines

and give the rest to Andy.

Which I organize into

a pile or stack that

I put into the freezer.

Why?

So they won't get lost.

Bingo.

Okay, you have

to pay these.

Good thing

I didn't lose them.

Okay. New lesson.

Basic finance.

I'm gonna teach you

how to balance a checkbook.

Okay. I am going to teach you

how to open a bank account.

Bank account. Good.

Brandi, I'm Thomas Haverford.

I just wanted to

say I thought you made

some excellent

points up there.

I totally agree with

you that people should

be allowed to have

sex in public places.

You look familiar to me.

Maybe you've seen me

down at the Snakehole Lounge.

I'm a part-owner there.

That's you. In the painting.

You're the fat baby.

Aw!

That's so cute.

Oh. You're into that?

No.

Damn it, Jerry.

Imagine my horror.

I'm hanging upside down

with my gravity

boots watching Perd.

I see you with your painting,

and I am startled

and disappointed.

Well, I did not know

that Brandi was

going to offer me

a role in her next film.

I urge you not

to take that role.

I am not going

to take the role.

That's good to hear,

because recently,

you've been

a little unpredictable.

I'm sorry that

I'm trying to defend

a beautiful work of art.

Thank you, Leslie.

Stand down, Jerry.

This isn't your fight.

You've left me no choice.

I have convened a meeting

of the Public Arts Commission,

and we will abide

by their decision.

Fine with me.

Public Arts Commission.

Filled with hippies

who love art and

sometimes weed.

Jackpot.

I would just like

to introduce myself.

My name is Chris Traeger,

and I am a big fan of art.

Council, I am not

opposed to pornography.

In fact, you could say

I'm definitely for it.

If I had my laptop

with me right now,

I would show you

a well-hidden folder

with gigabytes of proof.

However, this thing is

disgusting and wrong.

Please let the record reflect

that the fat baby is

referring to the painting.

Hey. I am not a fat baby.

I'm a small,

slender man,

similar to actor Taye Diggs.

So, let the record

reflect that, that

I look like Taye Diggs.

Members of

the Public Arts Commission,

good afternoon, and good art.

Every great society has always

supported artistic expression.

The Romans...

Perverts.

The Greeks...

Gay perverts.

To great societies in Europe.

Europeans.

There are some

members of this community

that would like to

demonize this painting.

And when they do, they,

in fact, demonize art itself.

What is or isn't art

is up to every

free-thinking American

to decide on their own.

Yeah. It's in the bag.

We've decided

that the painting

should be destroyed.

Yeah! Burn it!

What? Are you serious?

You're supposed to be

in favor of public art.

Yeah, well,

there are nipples in it.

So, it just seems

like we ought to be safe

and destroy it.

Okay.

Here is a list of

errands and things

that human adults need.

Also, I'm giving you

an advance on

next month's rent,

and I want you guys to go to

Bed Bath and Beyond

and buy everything

on that list.

Or we could buy a Wii.

You can handle this.

I don't know, man.

Why don't you just do it?

No, I can't.

I have a date.

Ooh! What's his name?

It's actually not...

Chris set it up.

Never mind.

Point is, stick to the list

and you'll do great.

I have total faith in you.

There's, like, a 30%

chance they'll both die.

So, how do you

want to do this?

Burn it publicly?

Or burn it privately,

and I put

the footage on my blog...

You've made

your point, okay?

Look, this painting is

very important to me.

It doesn't need to hang

in a government building.

Just let me take it home,

and I'll keep it there.

What do you say?

I say this painting

is going to burn.

First here,

then in hell.

Do I need to get

this validated?

I don't know.

No. Okay, then, great.

I'm just gonna

pull my car around

and you can load

it in the back.

No.

Hey! Come back here!

Make me, stag!

I am Dyaphena!

This place is amazing.

Oh, my God. They have

a thing that makes sherbet.

We need five of those.

No, we need to stick

with what's on the list.

First things first,

oven mitts.

Where are

the oven mitts?

Oh, my God.

They have all

the "As Seen On TV" stuff.

Uh-uh!

The Shake Weight,

Iron Gym, Miracle Handle,

Big Top Cookie,

Pillow Pet, Slap Chop.

Honey.

Oh, my God.

Honey. Listen to me.

Get it all.

Grab everything

that we've seen on TV,

put it in this cart right now.

Iron Gym?

I am going to get so buff.

Oh, my God.

Marshmallow Shooter!

Marshmallow Shooter?

Get two!

Hey, what about

the Magic Bullet?

Yeah. I've seen that.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

I was at a meeting

around the corner,

and some people wanted

to destroy this painting.

So, I brought it here.

Where is Andy and April?

They're out shopping.

What are you doing here?

I moved into

the spare room.

Really?

Yeah.

Can I come in?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Of course.

Why do they want

to destroy it?

Well, it's a painting

of me as a centaur.

Okay.

And it's a nude.

Oh.

Just basically,

like, the "chestal" region.

Uh-huh.

Mostly.

You don't have to look at it

if you don't want to.

No, no, no.

It's very classy.

Yeah, no.

I'm sure it is.

Man. It's Chris.

I better take this.

Okay.

Hi, Chris.

Leslie Knope.

You need to bring

that painting back.

What painting?

Leslie, you have

the painting, and you need

to bring it back in.

I think I've been

pretty fair with you,

and I'm starting

to feel angry.

Okay. Chris...

And I don't

like feeling angry.

My heart is racing.

It is going literally

45 beats a minute.

I'm sorry. If I could

just explain to you

my point of view.

You will bring that painting

in tomorrow morning

and surrender it

to Marcia Langman.

And that's that.

Do you understand me, madam?

Yes.

Mighty Putty.

What are we doing?

We didn't get

a single thing

that Ben told us to.

Sure, we did.

We got the

Marshmallow Shooter.

That's... I don't

think that's on the list.

But I want it.

I want it, too.

But I also kind of

want my own fork.

Just because you

eat really slow,

which is cute,

but also super annoying.

Fine.

What? What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just

adults are boring.

And I hate them.

And I don't want to

buy all this stupid,

boring, adult stuff

and become boring adults.

Hey. Listen to me.

Yes, we're going

to get a dish rack

and shower curtains

and a cutting board.

But if you

think for one second

I'm not also going to get

that Marshmallow Shooter

so that I can

shoot you in the face

with marshmallows

when you're asleep,

then you're the dumbest

woman I know.

You're going to make me cry.

You're a level-headed person.

What do I do here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it is one

of the basic

rules of government

that you shouldn't

offend people.

Yeah. I guess

you're right. I just...

I'm so annoyed by all

these rules, lately.

We're back here.

Me, too.

Hey, Leslie.

What are you doing here?

Hey. Um. Well,

I stole a painting, and

I was hoping you guys

would help me hide it.

I like it.

It's very simple.

No, it's on the other side.

Oh, my God.

Is that you as a naked horse?

Does it look like me?

I don't even...

Leslie. I mean, not to be

inappropriate or anything,

because you're my

boss and my friend,

but I would totally hit that.

So would I.

You guys are sweet.

Okay. I should go and

hit the road with this.

And...

Okay.

I'll see you later.

Bye.

Bye, Leslie.

Bye.

So? How did we do?

I don't know.

Does this answer

your question?

No. Did you buy plates?

Oh. Plates.

Leslie, what are you doing?

Say goodbye to Dyaphena.

I have to turn her over

to stupid Marcia Langman.

Really? Wow.

What?

I mean, to be honest,

that seems like the

kind of thing I would do,

and I didn't think

you would give in.

Come with me.

Hey, man.

Roomie.

Dude, it's super fun

to eat cereal from

a bowl with a spoon.

Thank you for that.

No problem.

Though, you know

you're not supposed to

bring your dishes

into work, right?

Good one.

I'm serious.

What's going on

between you and Leslie?

I noticed a weird vibe

when we came into the room.

Nothing. I mean,

we're friends.

Just regular

friendship development.

Come on, roomie.

You can tell me.

I know there was something.

I bet you I can

guess what it is.

She stole money from you.

What? No. No, Andy,

she did not.

I think we

like each other.

But Chris has

this very strict rule

co-workers can't date,

so it's not even

an option.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, first of all,

Leslie, she's, like,

the coolest ever.

You've chosen well.

And, secondly, hey, man,

if it's gonna happen,

it's gonna happen.

Look at me and April.

If you're anything like us,

three weeks from now,

you'll be married, my friend.

I'm glad you finally

came to your senses.

I know that's

not an easy journey

for you to make.

Let's take a look at

it first, shall we?

Whoa! It looks amazing!

I had the artist

paint over the original.

Feel free to destroy it.

No.

But I think you'll find no one

could possibly be offended.

Unless, of course,

they have a problem

with centaurs

having modern haircuts.

There were many

kinds of Greek goddesses.

Some were lovers.

Some were warriors.

And some were tricksters.

I'm so glad that

this got resolved

because I hate being angry.

Ben!

Yeah.

Come in here.

How did your

date with Cindy go?

You know,

she wasn't really my type.

She's a tall brunette.

You always like

tall brunettes.

Well, not exclusively.

Historically,

yes, exclusively.

He said he didn't like her.

So, it's over.

Okay. Well,

I'm going to keep trying,

because you are incredible.

Thank you.

And you deserve

someone amazing

and smart and beautiful.

Thank you.

A real goddess.

Exactly.

Mmm.

Hey, what about Shelly

from the health food store?

I don't know who that is.

Her brother died

climbing Everest.

Great.

Interesting, right?

No.

Nice job, Jerry.

You look like

Enrique Iglesias.

I just wish I had more time.

Why?

This is amazing.

It looks like me,

and I look awesome.

Is your penis between

the front arms

or the back legs?

Yeah, where is

your penis?

Damn it, Jerry!

Gayle, I know Jerry

is your husband.

Look, I can

promise you there's

absolutely nothing

going on between us.

No. No, I did not

pose for that painting,

but thank you

for thinking I did.

Okay. Sure. Hold on.

Gayle, sweetheart,

you have nothing

to worry about.

Okay? I'm not gay,

neither is Jerry,

and I didn't pose for him.

I promise you, hon,

Jerry only has eyes for you.

And pound cake. Am I right?