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Thank you.
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APPLAUSE
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APPLAUSE
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In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Chromewoman, his round heads.
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Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.
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One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty.
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His name sir Edmund Blackheader.
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The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.
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This guy has owned Blackhead, forgotten his name.
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Oh Rick!
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Yes sir.
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Oh, give me some mold ale, will you? I'm freezing.
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As the King sir, how about as comfortable as can be expected from a man who's spending the winch
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on a black current bush?
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Do you think the round edge will find him?
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Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
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Is that true? Yes, of course it's true.
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Have you ever known me to lie to the King? Yes.
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No.
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I think so.
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He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
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You can trust me sir.
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I'm glad, Bordic, I'm off to answer the call of nature.
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It's by any free chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds.
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Remember, the King is not hiding here.
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Yes sir.
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Green sleeves is known.
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Good evening, Sikerson.
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I am Oliver Cromwell.
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My men have surrounded your house and I am looking for royal scum.
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Is the King hiding here?
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Um...
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No.
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Unpain of death and damnation. Are you absolutely sure?
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Yes I am.
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I see. Well then, my proud beauty.
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You won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
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Men, come in from the cold, will you? Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
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All right, but don't touch the purple cup. Why not? That's the King's.
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Thank you, Sikerson. You may leave me alone.
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I'm going to have a cup of milk.
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I'm going to have a cup of milk.
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I'm going to have a cup of milk.
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Sikerson, you may leave me alone with King Charles.
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Mr. Cromwell, I'm delightful to see you again.
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Do you get up? Do you get up? Do you get me, um...
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Have you come far?
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I have, sir.
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From country square to law protector of England.
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Fascinating.
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Absolutely fascinating.
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Do you get me...
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What exactly does a law protector do?
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He smells your doom, sir.
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Wonderful. Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many people these days can't spill at all.
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Particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.
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I'm a pretty sweet, sir. But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold.
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Really good. This is anything. Carry on.
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A priest, sir.
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To help you make your peace with God before you die.
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Ah, hello.
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You may just say, I'd arrange for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape.
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Blackheader, your dress is a priest. How dangerous and stupid and perverted. It's just like school.
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That's not fair, sir. This is a matter of life and death.
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Not just blackheader. I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring you in a verdict of guilty against me.
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Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.
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Two. What does it say? Guilty or not guilty?
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I'll give you two guesses.
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Not guilty.
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One more guess.
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Oh, damn.
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One measly civil war on the entire history of England, and I'm on the wrong bloody side.
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Something wrong, sir?
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Yes, boldly. Yes, sir. It's time to realise if the king dies, we royalists to doom.
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We'll enter a hideous age of puritanism, though close all the theatres.
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Late hanky chiefs for men will be illegal.
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And I will be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of blood.
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If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop.
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Oh, I love chops.
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Maurek, your brain is like the foreheaded man-eating, had the fish beast of Aberdeen.
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What why?
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It doesn't exist.
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Oh, God, what are we going to do?
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Down despair, sir, something will pop up.
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Not under puritanism, it won't.
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We must do something.
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We must do something, otherwise the black headers are as doomed as that ant.
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What ant?
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That one.
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So this is the day of execution of Charles the Fest.
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Absolutely not, your majesty.
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Those around head traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.
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How fascinating. What is that exactly?
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They will never find a man to behead you.
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They'd have had as a volunteer to cut crumbles head off, he's such a nuggly devil.
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He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is the best.
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And they will never find a man to execute you.
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Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic.
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You know, there are so many young people who would leap at the chance like that.
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You know, they all in, he just initiates somehow.
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I suppose in a sense that's what my warts scheme is all about.
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Really?
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Yes.
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On the other hand, of course I did want my head cut off.
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It's a question of balance, isn't it? Like so many things.
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Shut up with the greatest respect, your majesty.
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They will never find an executioner.
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And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.
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A missance for the king.
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Ah.
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He's a twig on in the tail.
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He does!
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Stop that, Borgic.
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It's Banderf having one's life, and that's a ruin.
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Well, that being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap dancing oyster.
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall.
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Borgic, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden.
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I mean, I've come into some money.
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Really? Family inheritance.
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No, I ate that ages ago.
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Of course, your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
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No, it was £50, actually. It was delicious.
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But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.
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Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Borgic.
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No, but this one is a job.
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Really? I just don't understand it.
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Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul?
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So, no degraded has to accept the job of beheading the king of England.
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Borgic.
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That little job that fell into your lap.
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It wasn't a bionic chance. Something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask in the king of England.
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No.
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Go on.
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I can't find a basket.
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You very small, total bastard.
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Oh, please, sir, don't kill me. I have a cunning plan to save the king.
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Well, forgive me if I don't do a card wheel of joy.
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Your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as stumpy oleg muck-no-legs,
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personal best in the market harbour of marathon.
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All right, what's the plan?
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A pumpkin is going to save the king.
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Ah, but over here I have one that I prepared earlier.
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I will balance it on the king's head like this.
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Then I will cover his real head with a cloak and then when I execute him instead of cutting off his real head,
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I will cut off the pumpkin and the king survives.
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I'm not sure it's going to work, Bordett.
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Why not?
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Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,
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"This is the head of a traitor."
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At which point they will shout back, "No, it's not. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache."
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I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
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It's not 1% convincing.
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However, I'm a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.
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Here's my fist kindly run towards it as fast as I can.
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I just don't understand it.
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What possessed you to take the job?
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Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild silly foolish plan.
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I thought with the money I got from executing the king, I could sneak out and buy a brand new king
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when no one was looking and popping back on the throne without anyone noticing.
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Your head is as empty as a unix underpants.
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You do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
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It was £1,000 actually, sir, plus tip.
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Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they?
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And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe.
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We don't want you hacking away to it all afternoon with that cheap penmife of yours.
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I guess I'm embarrassing to have King Charles stagging around Hampton Court tomorrow morning
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with his neck flapping like a fissus peel on his son.
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Sir, you don't mean... I'm doing it. Let me or cost you.
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Then go immediately to the king and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackout
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I cannot be with him tomorrow.
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And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.
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So, that's why he can't be here. Sorry.
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I see. I quite understand. He is.
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Sir, the moment is arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker?
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Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life.
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But he is particularly manufacturing industry.
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Well, then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner. And let's get on with it.
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Right.
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Well, I'm sorry, my friend. I'm alone here today.
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I had hoped that my good loyal chums, Sir Edmund Blackout,
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would be here with me, but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry pet.
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So, naturally he can't be with us.
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All I can do is bid you do your duty well.
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Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
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And may I say how much I mourn for your lot.
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And bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.
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I think you actually agreed solid from that.
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Sir Thomas Moore, for instance, a great generous man to the last.
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He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely.
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Oh, I'm just sorry. I thought service was included. I beg your pardon.
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Here you are.
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And then there was the Earl of Essex.
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What's that?
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A truly great man. They still sing his famous ballad down the Chebstoam.
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What ballad is that?
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The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns. Hey, nonny-no.
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He gave them all away to the man with the axe.
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Oh.
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A thousand sovereigns.
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Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty.
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Be true. Well, there you are.
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You keep the change.
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Thank you, Your Majesty. Right.
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Should we go?
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Just a f***ing move.
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That voice says a strangely familiar ring.
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And say, "Is that finger?"
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B***g.
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Hello, Your Majesty.
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You cunning swine.
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Yes, well, uh, uh...
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Lovely, splendid. You duped Cormwell and you concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to France.
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Ah, yes, that's right.
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Yes.
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So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away.
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Yes, let's.
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Uh...
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Well, you start the ball rolling.
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After you. Right, yes.
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Oh, yes.
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Yes, right. And it's a very good plan.
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It's a staggering bowl-shatteringly good plan.
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Is the king ready?
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Come, Your Majesty.
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(Laughter)
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(Cheering)
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This is the head of a traitor.
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(The head of a traitor.)
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(The head of a traitor.)
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(The head of a traitor.)
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Oh, yes, so it is. Sorry. I'll try again.
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(The head of a traitor.)
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(Cheering)
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Well, sir, I can't say you didn't try.
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Now, the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms in the person of this infant prince.
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And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.
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Oh, quite.
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On the other hand, you can stay here, and as a known loyalist, the round-heads will come and cut your head off.
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Exactly, Borgic.
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Oh, my God.
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Oh, no! We're surrounded.
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What do we do?
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Well, at times like this, Borgic, there is no choice for a man of honor.
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00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,000
He must stand and fight and die in defense of his future sovereigns.
245
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Of course, it may, I'm not a man of honor.
246
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:58,000
Thank God you come. Seize the royalist scum!
247
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:05,000
(Cheering)
248
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,000
And just £3000 will...
249
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:19,000
[BLANK_AUDIO]
20941
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