Original subtitles

This is so not how I expected you to be.

What on earth are you wearing?

Audrey Hepburn, she's older than me!

It's my screen persona, silly child. Just leave it.

So it's OK to have a silly child like me in real life,

but in la-la land it makes you look ridiculous!

When did you get to be so insolent?

When did you get to be so insolent?

When did you get to be such a jerk!

Everything is a confrontation with you.

I'm done.

- She left me. - The cheek of it!

Why don't you come over here and live with me?

I want a husband and children.

But life doesn't make any sense without you.

- No! - What are you saying?

- Yes. - Yes?

Tell him he's making the biggest mistake of his life!

- I have something for you. - OK.

You're gonna be a father.

You asked her to marry you? Why?

Because I love her. I don't want to lose her.

- A very different thing. - Yeah.

So, let's get into that today.

What is it that's worrying you?

Well, that I'm not supposed to be her husband

Well, that I'm not supposed to be her husband

and I'll be a terrible father.

Is that it?

That I'm making a terrible mistake.

'Could you take your glasses off, please, Cary?'

I just wanna see what you look like.

There. Anything else you'd like me to take off?

Why d'you marry Dyan Cannon?

Why d'you marry Dyan Cannon?

Yeah. Why did you marry Dyan Cannon?

'Do you love her?'

'I'm over here, Cary!'

Well, who wouldn't...

want to marry Dyan Cannon?

She was so much younger than you?

She was so much younger than you?

I'd just like to state for the record that,

with all my wives, I only married for one reason.

Because I love her, Mother.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous!

She's a hustler!

She just wants to use you as a leg up for her career.

Is that all you have to say? Honestly?

No, no congratulations, no good luck?

No, no congratulations, no good luck?

'Do you wish me well at all?'

Well, it's because of you that I'm saying this!

Why did you ring me today?

Because you obviously wanted my approval.

Well, I'm sorry, I can't give you that.

'All I can give you is the truth.'

Well, thank you so much.

Any more pearls of wisdom to drop on me?

'You were gonna come and live with me, Archie!

'Why are you going off with her, Archie?'

Mum...

You know she'll make you unhappy, you know that.

I can make you happy. You know I've waited all these years.

I can smell a rat. Why are you so easily duped?

I can smell a rat. Why are you so easily duped?

'And don't tell me you love her! You...'

Well, I have to go to work now, so you keep well, Mother.

OK?

- 'And she doesn't love you...' - Bye-bye.

I think I might have done it...

..to spite my mother.

Will you love him and honour him?

Will you cherish him and obey him?

I will.

This marriage ring seals the vows of marriage

and represents eternal and everlasting love.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

I loved Dyan Cannon...

..as best I knew how.

We've been over this, darling.

A natural birth's best for the baby and you.

I know... I know you're in pain.

- You're full of shit, Cary! - Absolutely.

Don't give her any drugs, whatever she asks for, OK?

- Give me drugs! Give me LSD! - Keep pushing.

- Keep pushing, honey. - Give me anything!

Come on!

Just push one last time!

Just push one last time!

There it is!

I can see the head! That's it. Keep pushing.

Beautiful.

OK, OK Shh! Boys, very quickly.

My daughter, Jennifer... Her name.

My daughter, Jennifer... Her name.

..is the most beautiful baby in the world.

And, uh, she is by far my best production.

All right, thank you for your interest

and please go back to your own families.

- Mr Grant! Mr Grant! - That's all, boys!

Shh, shh, shh!

It's just you and me now, hey?

Just you and me.

This is the moment I've been waiting for my whole life.

Thank you.

- There we go! - Thank you.

- Jennifer, meet Mae. - Look at her!

She's perfect!

She's all right.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow!

Hi!

It's pretty astounding, isn't it, love?

We've had cards and flowers, and telegrams from all over the world.

"Many congratulations from Robert and Ethel Kennedy."

How about that? People have been so kind.

"Clever old you, from Hitch and Alma."

I had a little something to do with it.

You had a lot to do with it. Didn't she?

Mummy was amazing!

This is our lovely house.

I need energy. I need chocolate.

I need cookies!

Oh, no, no, no! None of that nonsense any more!

Oh, no, no, no! None of that nonsense any more!

Mummy needs vegetables, doesn't she?

Mummy needs proteins and vitamins.

Mae, can you knock her up a chicken salad, please?

- Right away! - Oh, hey!

I haven't seen Bangs yet.

Hey, Bangs!

- Sunshine out the window. - Meet your new playmate!

There's a swimming pool out there, yes.

Mae, where's Bangs?

Cary, where's my dog?

I found her a new home.

It turns out in addition to the hygiene issues,

animals can experience extreme jealousy around newborns.

Cary, where's my dog? Wherever she is, go and get her back.

- I won't be doing that. - Cary, go...

Cary, go and get her back. She's never hurt anyone!

They can have profound personality changes.

You never know.

Oh, my God, what have you done?

Let's not do this, not today of all days, eh?

Let's start how we mean to go on.

Parents shouldn't argue in front of their children.

Look, you've upset her!

Look, you've upset her!

Cary, you've got rid of my dog without asking me.

I'm doing what's best for Jennifer, darling.

Don't "darling" me, because anybody who ever cared about me

could never do that to me!

Cary, you...

You had no right!

I hate you!

Oh... Oh, babe.

Ah-ha! Hello, Mother! Ha-ha!

Or should I say, Grandmother!

Say hello to your granddaughter.

- Hey. - Hi, Elsie.

Would you like to hold her?

Come on, don't be shy!

Here we go.

There we are.

Her name's Jennifer.

Has she got a middle name?

No, we haven't given her one.

She'll choose one when she's older.

Maybe she'll choose her mum's name.

Betsy, that'll be lovely for you.

I hope you're as good a dad as your father was to you, Archie.

Elias was a wonderful man.

He was devoted to the boys and me. We had a very happy family.

I'm glad you have so many happy memories.

I do.

Don't you let her out of your sight, not for one minute.

Don't you let her out of your sight, not for one minute.

You take her back.

Is everything OK?

I just don't want to get too attached.

Very good. You're a good girl.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry! - That's OK.

We've been having a rich old time, haven't we?

Who was the cable from?

Who was the cable from?

- United Artists. - Mm-hm.

I managed to get through to David Swift.

He's offering me the lead role in How To Succeed In Business.

Cary, he said I wasn't just his,

but everybody's first choice for the part.

And he said I own this role!

What are you thinking?

I think you're not thinking straight.

How can a mother even contemplate being away

for weeks or months on a movie set

when there's a baby girl depending on her?

Cary, we have a lot of friends that balance children

and their careers very successfully.

Yeah, what other people do doesn't concern me.

You want me to tell them I can't take the role?

You wanted to be married, have a family.

Well, now you have those things.

I...

I can do both. You do it.

Don't be ridiculous!

We have something special here, dear child.

We have something special here, dear child.

Let's not mess it up.

Anybody know the movie?

Father Goose! - Thank you.

You must be the two who bought a ticket.

Yes.

Father Goose, the first film I did after Jennifer was born.

I grew whiskers, I played a drunken bum.

I had a great time. Good stuff.

But I was away for three months with a newborn baby.

Shouldn't have gone.

Bad timing.

Hi. I missed you.

Oh, dear.

I'll go.

Daddy's here, Daddy's...

Oh, my God, look at the size of you, you're enormous!

I love you so much.

There you go. I've got you. That's better.

There you go. Daddy loves you.

Shall we do this later? You have Stanley coming over.

Shall we do this later? You have Stanley coming over.

Yeah, but I've got a few minutes.

It's been a long time since we've done it.

It's good to get back into old habits, don't you think?

Wait, my cuttings. And I just need to get a glass of water.

Oh, Dyan? Make sure you tighten the faucet properly, darling,

so it doesn't drip.

So, what's caught your eye in this week's news?

Just a minute!

There was one I thought that we could talk about.

Where is it?

- Here it is. - I'm listening.

About Vietnam.

About Vietnam.

"Eisenhower supports Nixon's criticisms of President Johnson."

Yes, sounds very interesting. Go on.

They criticise him for his hesitation,

indecision and... and his timidity.

And what do you think?

Well, they're wrong.

Why?

Well, we already have too many soldiers over there

and Nixon wants to increase the draft.

The public won't stand for it.

Well, I completely disagree. Now is the time to be decisive.

Well, I completely disagree. Now is the time to be decisive.

If we can overwhelm the North Vietnamese forces,

we can have all the boys home for Christmas.

I always seem to get it wrong, don't I?

No, darling, there is no right or wrong.

It's a discussion.

Oh, there's Stanley.

You're doing great. It's fun, isn't it?

We'll carry on later.

Oh, there you are. I was looking...

Oh, there you are. I was looking...

Are you eating one of my Picnic bars?

For fuck's sake, Dyan!

I had them specially sent from England.

They are incredibly hard to get hold of.

Sorry.

Come in.

Thank you.

- Thank you, Mae. - No problem.

Oh, I'm... I haven't finished yet.

- Okay. - Thanks.

OK. "Thank you so much

"for the lovely cardigan for Jennifer," comma,

"made all the more special because you knitted it yourself," full stop.

"made all the more special because you knitted it yourself," full stop.

"Its my favourite colour

"and it looks gorgeous on her," full stop, new line.

"Sending best wishes," comma,

"Dyan," comma, "Cary and Jennifer," full stop.

Much better.

It's my favourite colour. Missing an apostrophe.

And "gorgeous" is...

a strange adjective for an object, it's slightly bland.

Ah, hello, ladies!

I'm home...

from the coalface. Dyan?

Dyan?

Mae?

Mae?

Where's Dyan and Jennifer?

I'm sorry, Mr Grant.

Sorry about what?

I haven't slept more than an hour.

Haven't eaten in two days.

I'll go and see her.

I'll get her to agree to meet you.

It's gone, Stanley.

My whole life has gone.

My whole life has gone.

My whole...

fucking life just...

..just gone. Destroyed it all.

Like I always do.

Hi, Mr Grant.

- Nice to see you. - I'll show you in.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hi.

- How are you? How's Jennifer? - She's fine.

I have to see her, Dyan. I... I need to see her.

You can come over tomorrow.

I'll go for a walk.

What, you can't be there too?

God, you look beautiful.

Really.

Motherhood suits you.

Motherhood suits you.

Thank you.

Cary, you're always saying that I need to change and...

Well, we all do. I mean, be open to change.

You say that a lot and I have tried to change a lot.

But what about you? Do you think you need to change?

Well, I...

Yes, I do. I think I...

- I think I am. I think I have. - How?

For years I... I wore a mask of my own making,

and now, with you and Jennifer, I feel like I...

I can... Well, we... we can breathe together and we can!

I never had any trouble breathing before I met you, Cary.

I guess I asked for that. Not now.

Look, I was thinking that maybe it's...

..you know, high time we made a movie together, don't you think?

I have a perfect script for us. It's called The Old Man And Me.

I have a perfect script for us. It's called The Old Man And Me.

A young American woman comes to London to conquer the arts scene.

I don't need a role in one of your movies, Cary.

I don't have another divorce in me, Dyan.

Please.

We could just start over, you know?

I just want my family back together again.

Do you love me?

- Don't be silly. - Stop, just...

Cary, right here, right now...

Cary, right here, right now...

do you love me?

Me, just as I am right now?

Thank you for being honest with me.

We're delighted to have you here, Cary, truly we are.

We're delighted to have you here, Cary, truly we are.

Well, it's very nice of you, but I'm sure the last thing you need

is a miserable big cuckoo descended on your happy home.

Stanley told me he didn't like the idea

of you being on your own right now

and I completely agree with him.

You're welcome to stay as long as you want.

Thank you both very much. I'll...

I'll try and stay out of your way as much as I can.

I haven't seen Jennifer for two weeks now.

- It's driving me crazy. - What's Dyan saying?

- It's driving me crazy. - What's Dyan saying?

Nothing. I call her every day, multiple times.

She won't even pick up the telephone.

Not seeing my daughter's like having a leg removed.

I don't see why she'd be used as a weapon against me.

And don't fold the collar in half, it's shaped.

Hello, is Dyan there, please?

'Not right now.'

Hello?

Yes, can I speak to Dyan, please?

Have you finished?

If you're not going to eat it, I will.

Waste not want not, remember?

No, well, she...

I understand.

Yeah. Dyan.

Because she's my wife!

Stickiness in the air, don't you think?

Damn!

Is that...?

What's it like having a movie star for a house guest?

Well, it's...

- Mary, I... - Oh, oh, Cary!

This is my friend, Lucy Cartwright.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, Lucy Cartwright.

How do you do?

I was in your pantry and you've got seven jars of mustard

in various stages of usage.

Oh, thank you, Cary. I'll get on to that this afternoon.

I've consolidated them into one and washed the others.

Don't throw them away, they're useful.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I'll get to start on the ketchups.

Thank you.

That's what it's like.

'Can you see 'em, Jed? I've lost my glasses.'

'Can you see 'em, Jed? I've lost my glasses.'

Fox residence.

Cary, it's for you. It's Dyan.

Yes?

Yes. No, no, no, I was... We were just...

OK.

OK, yeah. No, that's fine.

Well...

Well, certainly I can.

Well... Yes.

Well... Yes.

Well, no. Thank you.

Well, looks like I'm going home for the weekend.

I can have Jennifer by myself.

Oh, thank God!

I mean, thank God you can have Jennifer.

I'm so pleased for you.

- Hi. - Hi.

She's asleep.

She's asleep.

I'll take her.

Great. - Here.

Want to come in for a bit?

No. I assume Mae's here to help?

No, no. It's just... it's just us two for the weekend.

Uh, well, I'm only a phone call away if you need me.

And I'll be here to get her on Sunday night.

OK.

Thanks.

If you don't eat, you won't grown up to be a big girl!

Don't cry.

It's just food, darling. It's just...

Oh, I know!

Who's that?

Quack-quack here.

Quack-quack there.

Oh, that's very loud, darling. Don't like that.

Oh, hold on. Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, what's that? The answer to all our problems.

I know, my darling.

Here we go.

All right, all hands on deck, I'm going in!

I used a different brand of diaper on her.

I used a different brand of diaper on her.

Much better for her skin. I can send you some if you like?

I have diapers.

I'll see you in two weeks.

I missed you.

Cary, erm...

So you heard it from me, I'll be filing divorce papers this week.

- Mr Grant? Mr Fox is here. - Thank you, Mae.

- Cary. - Stanley.

Shouldn't you be getting showered and dressed?

I... I'm, I'm not sure I'm gonna come.

I... I'm, I'm not sure I'm gonna come.

What?

I'm not attending the proceedings.

Cary, you need to be there, you need to defend yourself.

This isn't like the other ones.

- She's going in hard. - How hard?

That you were very controlling.

Her career, her clothes, her make-up.

What she ate, baby milk.

The dog.

The dog.

You got rid of her dog.

Dog!

Anything else?

She's going to bring up the LSD.

That I took it during therapy or...?

No.

That you made her take it.

I honestly believed it would help,

help us to stay together.

- Fucking mess! - Well, that's divorce.

- Fucking mess! - Well, that's divorce.

It's always messy.

When we married,

Mary told me there will be no divorce in this house.

There may be a hunting accident in the kitchen, but no divorce.

No. No. I'm not coming.

I think you should reconsider.

No. Thank you, Stanley, but no.

I... I... I think it's best if this thing

blows over as quickly as possible.

I don't want Jennifer reading some

"she said, he said" version in a few years.

I can't.

You go.

I'm staying here.

I read about the settlement in the newspapers.

That's another one on the payroll.

How many ex-wives are you bankrolling?

Too many. I can afford it. Thank you, Mother.

You're weak, just like your father.

I thought he was a wonderful husband, perfect family man.

I know exactly what he was.

And what he did.

I'm not stupid. I know...

I know Eric isn't your cousin, I know he's your half-brother.

No doubt his slut of a mother is still out there somewhere.

I just thank God I've no idea who she is.

I just thank God I've no idea who she is.

I assume Elias finally told you where I was?

I didn't know!

I mean, I had no idea. You have to believe me.

I thought you...

He told me you were dead.

I might as well have been.

I don't want you to come any more, Archie.

- It's too upsetting. - No! No, no, Mum, please.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.

I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.

I'm sorry for all of it, for everything.

I waited all those years for you,

and then when you did come,

you didn't want me.

I missed you so much.

Every day I...

I thought about you every day.

And, eventually, I...

I built something for myself.

You know, a... a new life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there was no place for me in it.

I'm sorry.

MAE: What a good girl!

She's such a good girl. She's missed you.

Hi! Hey!

- Hello, my darling. - Who's that? Who's that?

- Hello, my darling. - Who's that? Who's that?

Hi, hi.

We heard you on the radio the other day.

She got so excited hearing your voice.

Listen, Cary, I've been offered the lead in a play on Broadway.

On Broadway?

So, I'll have to be in New York

for a couple of months and I was...

gonna hire a nanny, but then I thought that Jennifer

would much rather be with you.

Obviously, I'm gonna miss her so much, but...

if you want to have her, then...

if you want to have her, then...

Maybe it's a stupid idea, you're probably busy, but I...

Yes. Yes!

You don't have a movie coming up or something?

There's something, but, no, it doesn't matter.

I don't want the studio getting mad at me because you pulled out.

The studio can go take a hike. You, you go to New York.

You can pursue your career.

I'm very happy to be a stay-at-home dad.

Well, I know how much Jennifer would like it.

And I want her for two weeks in the middle of the run

and I'll be back and forth the whole time.

Fine. Of course.

Thank you, Dyan. Thank you.

Thank you, Dyan. Thank you.

OK? You want to go see Daddy?

Thank you. I know, my angel.

Shall we say goodbye to Mummy? Yeah, let's say, "Bye, Mum!"

Bye, Mum.

OK.

You enjoy New York. We're gonna have a great time.

You're at the peak of your career.

You have so much to give!

There are so many awards to be won.

So much more creative satisfaction to be had.

So much more creative satisfaction to be had.

So much more money to be made.

Stanley, there's no amount of money in the world

that could compensate for this.

Hitch has been on the phone. Billy Wilder.

God! They all want to make movies with you.

Do you mind?

Ah!

No. Thank you.

I've made my decision,

I'm not going back.

I got lots of offers to come out of retirement, I still do.

I got lots of offers to come out of retirement, I still do.

But me getting out of the business coincided

with my ex-wife becoming something of a hot property.

Which meant I got to spend more time with Jennifer.

Are you ready? Tilt your head back. Tilt your head back slightly.

And go!

Where'd it go?

Have you swallowed it?

Who is that?

Sara.

Oh, Sara! Oh, well...

Hello, Sara, my name is Hermione and, uh...

and my favourite thing in the world to do

is to drink Darjeeling tea out of bone China cups.

is to drink Darjeeling tea out of bone China cups.

Would you care to join me?

Yes, I would care to!

Oh, excuse me, your ladyship! I'm terribly sorry.

Do you mind?

Honestly! The place is falling apart.

I've been called many things in my life. Skinflint.

I don't think you're a skinflint, Cary!

I don't think you're a skinflint, Cary!

No, no, no, I quite like being called a skinflint.

I'm careful with my money.

I've also been accused of being gay.

I have to tell you,

I don't consider either of those an insult of any kind.

What was difficult to get used to

was not being called an actor any more.

After 50 years, it was kind of strange.

Well, I didn't stop working.

I had a new mouth to feed, after all.

I did some business.

A friend of mind offered me a directorship of a company

that dealt with perfumes and cosmetics.

And that is why, a few years ago, I found myself in London.

This just isn't good enough, Miss Harris.

There's no car booked for Bristol tonight.

It's not on the itinerary

and I have to go and see my mother.

She's elderly and it's very important to me.

OK. Well, how about this?

Tomorrow, I have to drive down to see my family in Bath

Tomorrow, I have to drive down to see my family in Bath

and I would be happy, as I am doing the PR,

to personally drop you off in Bristol on the way

and bring you back here two days later.

How about that, door-to-door service?

I went to market today and I bought a Ferrari,

a cucumber, a Zeppelin, a powdered wig,

a pair of smelly socks, a piece of...

- Um... - Uh, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, I know what it is!

It's, uh, it's world peace!

It's world peace, a flagon of rum,

It's world peace, a flagon of rum,

a flame thrower, a ventriloquist, gold watch...

- No, no! - It is a gold watch!

A ventriloquist's dummy!

- Oh... balls! - I win again.

There's some kind of cheating going on somewhere here.

Just accept I have the better memory!

- Absolutely not! Nil-nil. - Fine, one more time.

Are you hungry?

Yes, I am, actually.

Fancy some fish and chips?

Mother? Hello?

Mother? Hello?

Oh, there you are.

Hello.

Elias? Is that you?

No, dear.

Elias, come and sit with me!

I've missed you so much.

Oh, you've no need to go to her any more, I can change.

Oh, you've no need to go to her any more, I can change.

I can give you everything you need here at home

with our beautiful boys.

Oh...

Can you hold me, Elias?

Oh, put your arms around me.

You are my only one.

I should never have let you out of my sight.

I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.

'Shortly before she died,

'my mother instructed me to dye my hair black.'

When I asked her why, she said,

"Because you're making me look old."

She was 95.

'She was a small, fierce woman whose approval, whose love,

'I tried my entire life to win.'

And failed.

And failed.

'Did she love me?'

She loved Archie, I know that.

'Whether it was approval or mostly disapproval,

'she had something to say about everything I did.'

Sorry, this has turned into rather an amateur therapy session.

Not my intention, and I'm sorry, but...

Not my intention, and I'm sorry, but...

let me tell you anyway, the advice from Dr Cary,

accumulated after 82 rocky years, is really simple.

Leave the past in the past where it belongs.

If you're not careful...

it becomes a trap,

one that is almost impossible to escape from.

Almost.

Thank God.

So, the key to War And Peace is that Tolstoy was mixing

a fictional narrative with actual history and philosophy.

If you get stuck, come and get me.

I'll put that in the essay. Thanks, Barbara.

I can't wait to read it!

No playing records, please!

Homework first, young lady!

Yes? You hear me?

Thank you.

For what?

Oh, for...

Oh, for...

just making life so... so easy.

You are doing a wonderful job raising her. And Dyan too.

Yeah, we do our best, I'll own that.

If it's not too swanky to say.

Mmm!

It's just bliss.

All of it.

All of it.

I was just thinking, I have so much more energy than I've had in years.

I'm getting so much more sleep.

Neither of us are party animals, are we?

- Hmm. - Hmm.

Not any more.

You know I love you, but I... but I could never marry you.

Who said I wanted you to?

It's just that, that's when everything starts going wrong.

Marry her!

Marry her!

What? I can't!

I'm sorry!

Cary, yes, it would be nice to be your wife...

..but I'm perfectly happy as we are. OK?

I am sorry.

'Over the years, I assiduously gathered precious things.

'So frightened of losing them, I kept them in a fireproof vault!

'And I was standing there, amongst my treasure...

'..when I realised the truth.

'I wanted to tell you that I've... fallen in love with Barbara.

'She makes me very happy.

'And I want to make her happy.'

You are the most important person in the world to me.

And nothing's ever gonna change that.

But I want to know what you felt first.

So I'm...

..I'm thinking of asking her to marry me.

Is it that bad an idea?

No.

I'm crying because I'm happy, Daddy.

I love Barbara and I think you'll be wonderful for each other.

Thank you, sweetheart.

That means the world to me.

That means the world to me.

So I asked Barbara to marry me and...

to my delight and relief, she said yes.

She's here tonight actually.

There with my beautiful daughter. There.

To this day, I spent most of my life wondering

who I was supposed to be.

Was I Archie? Was I Cary?

Was I Archie? Was I Cary?

What was real? What wasn't?

Well, I introduced them to each other quite recently

and they got on like a house on fire.

But the point is, it doesn't matter.

You can call me whatever you like now.

I know exactly who I am.

I'm Barbara Harris's husband.

And most of all,

I'm Jennifer Dyan Grant's dad.

I'm Jennifer Dyan Grant's dad.

I belong somewhere and I always will.

Everything is copacetic.

Look it up in the dictionary.

And I wish you all the same peace of mind.

I think I hear my exit music.

I think I hear my exit music.

Thank you.