Original subtitles

- How you doin', Frank? - Morning, Danny. It's a gorgeous day!

Isn't it?

- Thank you. - How are you, Clark?

Good morning there, Danny.

- There you go. - Thank you.

- Morning, Danny. - Hiya, tom.

How's it going, Doc, Arty?

- Hi. - Morning.

Oh, Danny, wait.

Here, wait, wait.

How you doing, Nick?

Fine.

Give this to your mother.

Thanks.

- Good morning, Danny. - Morning, Ma.

I told you not to hang you coat on the banister. It ruins the shape.

- Sorry. - Did you get my paper?

- Mmm-hmm. - Thanks.

- My lotto ticket? - Mmm-hmm.

- What's this? - From Nick.

- Give it back. - Why?

Come on, Ma, Nick's a good guy.

Typical Greek. I know What he's up to.

If I accept it, he'll Think I'm easy.

I don't want to know this.

What's that?

Prime rib.

When did you start eating yogurt? Where's your Danish?

I'm trying to cut back.

You? Cut back?

Pants are getting a little tight,

so I thought I'd give this a try.

Well you can't expect to fit into boys sizes.

You're not a boy anymore.

I'm 38 years old, Ma. I haven't been a boy for 20 years.

My son, the anorexic.

Aw, damn, Fisk isn't gonna play.

- You going to the game? - Yeah, tomorrow.

Sal and me. Boston's in town, Clemens is pitching.

- Should be a great game. - But tomorrow's Wednesday.

- Yeah. - And Wednesday we go to bingo.

Couldn't we skip it this week, Ma?

Skip it, Danny? I can't skip bingo, I love it.

I haven't skipped bingo in 25 years.

Look, I'd cancel, it's just, you know,

Sal got these tickets over three months ago.

Okay, I'll go myself.

Just be careful. There's a lot of construction around the church

And I don't want you slipping and falling.

- I will. - Your eyes aren't so good anymore.

Don't start that.

My eyes are perfect.

Then why are you pouring orange juice in your coffee?

Damn cartons!

They're all decorated the same.

Oh!

Oh, Danny.

I hope you enjoyed your baseball game.

Um, Ma, look,

I'll skip the game. We'll go to bingo.

No, that's all right. You go ahead, enjoy yourself.

No, no, I can go to a game any time, Ma.

Bingo only comes once a week.

- Thank you, Danny. - It's okay.

Are you gonna eat that?

No, you want it?

Yeah, I'll start my diet tomorrow.

That's sissy food, anyway.

True, very true.

The district court of Salvatore Buonarte

And Danny Muldoon is now in session.

All rise.

What's the accused charged with?

Name's Duane Earl Tyrone.

Apparently he ran this piece of shit apartment housing

Down on the south side, mostly senior citizens, right?

He'd take their monthly checks,

Cash 'em, then strangle them to death.

- Aw, jeez. - How come guys like that do that?

Chemical imbalance or something, you know.

- Yeah? - I read that somewhere.

- Not enough-- - You mean it's a vitamin thing?

Yeah, it's a deficiency of some sort

- Like Rickets. - Yeah?

- You take vitamins, Tyrone? - Nah.

- I'm gonna start taking vitamins. - Yeah, me too.

So, how's the wife?

- She cut me off, Danny. - For how long?

She says until I seek professional help.

- For what? - She thinks I'm getting weird in bed.

- Are you? - Well...

We've been doin' it the same way for the past 10 years, Danny.

Once a week, every Saturday night, right after the 9:00 sports, right?

Same position, seven minutes of foreplay, 12 minutes of sex,

And we keep our pajama tops on.

Well, I'm getting bored out of my skull, right, Danny?

So I says to her, why don't we add a little spice?

You know, go state of the art?

State of the art?

Yeah, state of the art. Now it's the computer age, right?

Electronics and stuff?

So I figure, I'll go to the mature shop, right?

Pick up something.

I bought me one of these--

These big digital marriage counselors, right?

What's that?

It's a big, you know, it's like a--

It's a love enhancer. It's like a device, you know?

Ah, all right.

So I bring this into the bedroom on Saturday night.

I pull it out, put it on her pillow, you know, a little surprise?

Surprised the shit out of her. She freaks,

She tries to kill it. She thinks it's a giant centipede.

You're kidding!

So I've been on the couch ever since.

Aw, I'm sorry to hear about that.

- I envy you, though. - Me?

Yeah, you don't have to put up with this bullshit and heartache.

You can jump in the sack with any chick you want.

She don't like your habits, you're on to the next one.

It's been a little slow lately.

You know, that's the most infuriating thing about you.

You don't take advantage of your God-given position in life.

When was the last time you were on a date?

Two, three months ago.

- Nine. Try nine, Danny. - Hey, who's counting?

- When was the last time you got laid? - Sal!

- Come on, when? - Sal!

- It's been so long, you don't even remember. - Hey, I remember.

- So, when? - That's personal!

Oh, yeah? Why don't we try five years personal, Danny.

Why don't you shut up and mind your own business, all right?

All right.

- Good night, son. - Good night. Ma.

15, hut!

Go on! Turn!

- Ooh! - Coach says he's a natural.

At what?

At wide receiver.

Maybe he'll put some weight on.

He could be a jockey.

I'm kidding!

Or a guard or a tackle, maybe, same thing.

Right, right, right.

On one, set! 35, hut!

- Go, go, go! - Okay, Billy, Billy right there!

- Catch the ball, Billy! - I hate this game!

Billy! Would you come back and practice?

What does he have to practice for? He's a natural.

- Let's get a beer.

- How's work? - It's fine.

Aren't you getting tired of it?

No, Sal and I, we have a lot of laughs.

Still, Danny, you've been driving that wagon for what, 15 years,

Picking up stiffs, hauling away criminals,

You deserve better.

I don't want better.

I am this close to john Burroughs, your superintendent.

We play golf every Sunday.

Just say the word, and I can get you transferred to Florida.

- No, I don't want to go. - Come on, Danny.

You and Mom can get that waterfront condo you've been talking about.

I don't want to go to Florida.

I'm not ready to retire yet, okay?

Okay.

- Say the word. - Fine, thank you.

You haven't got any spice on this.

Oh, it gives Patrick headaches.

He never had headaches When he lived with me.

So, how's Mom? She looks tired.

She needs a change, you know?

Different environment.

Susan and I would take her for a while.

You would?

- Yeah, but she'd hate it here. - Maybe not.

I think she's happier in her own house.

You know, where we grew up,

where she and Dad lived, where she knew everybody.

And where I can take care of her, right?

Well, yeah, that too, so what?

I mean, you make her happy, Dan.

- You're her favorite son. - Don't pull that.

Plus you get your meals cooked, your laundry done and your bed made.

Believe me, you'll never find a wife who'll do all that.

You're a good lawyer, Patrick.

A very good lawyer.

You know, maybe a gymnast.

Whoa!

- Good evening, Tom. - Evening, Rose, evening, Danny.

Ah, two more thirsty mouths.

The usual, is it?

- What do you suppose? - What's the score?

Boston's winning by three.

- Aw, jeez. - You didn't miss much.

Three doubles.

I'm sorry, boys, but I can't be serving you.

- Why? - You've already had a bit too much

And your friend there is fluthered.

Fluthered? Parched, he is.

He hasn't wet his lips in 24 hours.

Frank...

Don't you recognize your old pal, here?

Holy mother of God.

- It's Tommy bones! - So?

He died yesterday.

Get him out of here!

We can explain. Larry, explain.

One August, back in '58,

Me and Jack here, we made a promise to Tommy.

We swore we'd bring him back to O'neill's.

The night before his wake, for one last Jameson.

For his journey.

It's a sacred duty, then?

- Oh, yes. - Oh, it is.

Let it never be said

that an O'neill broke a promise to the dead.

Three doubles it is!

And if he drinks it, it's on the house.

Grave robbers! Give him back!

- After he's had a drink. - No, right now.

When he's had a drink!

Look, I could have you two arrested!

You can't walk into a funeral home, take a corpse

And bring it to a tavern. What's the matter with you?

- For God's--! - What's going on here?

Officer, these two idiots

snuck into my funeral home and took the body

While my daughter Theresa was on her coffee break.

All right, you two are gonna take him back.

That is, unless you decide to press charges.

No, I don't want to press charges.

Fine, take the body back. He can't drink anyway.

What did you do, sew his lips shut?

That's enough. I want you to take the man back.

Understand? And then the both of you go home.

Don't break him.

All right.

So that was Joey Luna?

He's got the parlor over there on Morgan St.?

- That's right. - I guess that was his daughter.

- She works for him. - Oh, yeah? Doing what?

- Painting faces. - Dead faces?

Couldn't get a job right out of cosmetic school.

- She married? - No, you know how it is.

The business she's in, turns most guys off.

Oh, it would, yeah.

- Why, you interested? - No, just curious, that's all.

If you are, go for it. Don't waste your time. Ask the girl out.

- No, no, no. - Why should he?

He's perfectly happy. Why screw things up?

Don't listen to him, Danny boy.

- Don't end up bachelors like the two of us. - Speak for yourself!

Danny's doing fine.

He doesn't have to go chasing some ghoul from a funeral parlor

For a date. He can do better than that.

He doesn't have time to do better.

All the good ones will be taken.

The girls should be chasing him.

I don't believe this. I'm getting romantic advice

from a widow and two bachelors.

One very experienced bachelor.

Celibacy is considered experience?

- I've had my share of women. - Three.

Just never been stupid enough to marry them.

You never been fortunate enough.

- They all said no. - If I'd gotten married,

- I wouldn't be where I am now. - In a tavern?

Free, living like a king.

You live at the "Y".

I don't have to answer to anyone.

I come and go as I please, I do what I want, when I want.

Don't listen to him, Danny boy. Call that girl.

Don't spend your life full of regrets.

You missed a spot.

It was just a joke. I didn't mean to scare you.

No one is allowed back here.

Sorry. I...

Is there a problem?

No, no problem at all.

Actually...

I saw you at O'neill's the other night.

And, uh,

Well--

I-- I, um--

Don't you just hate all that awkward stuff that, uh,

Goes with asking someone out on a date for the first time?

I'll make it easy for you.

Give you a list of possible excuses.

Things I've heard a million times before.

All you have to do is say yes or no.

That way it takes the pressure off both of us.

Make sense to you?

Yeah.

Good, okay. Here we go.

Reasons why you can't go out with me on Saturday.

- You're seeing somebody else. - No.

- You're having your wisdom teeth pulled. - Nope.

- You're washing your hair. - No.

- You're going shopping. - No.

You have to baby-sit for your neighbor's kids, nieces or nephews.

- No. - You're doing laundry.

No.

- You have to lube your car? - No.

You're getting your legs waxed.

No.

I think that just about covers everything.

You forgot one thing.

What's that?

If somebody dies, I'm stuck here.

Oh, sure, of course. Yeah, that, yeah, sure.

But nobody died yet.

So, you're-- you're free?

Uh-huh.

That's terrific! Great, thanks, okay.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

How about 7:00? I'll pick you up?

Where do you live?

- Here. - With the stiffs?

My father and I have an apartment upstairs.

Oh, sure, of course, that's convenient.

Yeah, it would be.

- So 7:00, then? - If nobody dies.

If nobody dies, of course.

7:00.

Did you mean him to look like Clark Gable?

- Yeah. - You did that?

Yeah.

Wow! That's very good! That's a talent.

Yeah, that's terrific!

He's a dead ringer.

I didn't mean dead like that.

I don't mean dead, like that dead.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- You know what I meant.

In fairness to-- I'll see you at 7:00.

- Okay. - Great, great.

I'll close up here for you.

I'll get these. I'm sorry

if I bothered you.

Don't screw this one up, Theresa.

Yeah!

I'm sorry. See, I just got lucky in there, with a girl.

I didn't mean it like that. It's not what you're thinking.

She does everybody in there.

Not in that way.

But she probably did that guy there, for example.

I gotta go.

- Can you believe that guy? - No.

- Hello, Marty. Hello, Doug. - Hi.

Rose?

Rose, I'm trying again.

Will you please accept these flowers?

I don't want them. And I don't date Greeks.

You know, you and I could make each other

so happy. - Oh, forget it.

Greek men are great lovers.

And Greek men never bathe.

I bathe twice a day.

Three times when I do my sit-ups.

Feel that stomach. Hard!

Like an 18-year-old.

Come on, feel it.

- I'm not feeling anything of yours. - Rose.

You've forgotten what a sweet thing

romance can be.

Come to my bed. You will never leave.

Have a little respect! You're speaking to a lady.

I apologize. I spoke with my heart,

and not my head.

A beautiful woman like you

has that effect on me.

Oh, Danny.

Where are you going all dressed up?

I've got a date, sort of.

That's your father's jacket.

It fits pretty good, doesn't it?

And your tie, just like your father.

You always make the knot too big.

Let's see. There, now.

Oh, Danny, give these to your girl.

Women love flowers. Some of them.

Thanks. I gotta go.

Oh, he's got a girl.

He's lucky.

I hope you don't mind coming here.

I wanted to bring you somewhere special on our first date.

Danny, want me to turn the scoreboard lights on?

You want to see the scoreboard? It's really something.

- Yeah. - Go for it, Leo!

Okay!

That's great!

- Wow! - Whoa!

Pretty, huh?

- Thanks, Leo! - No problem, Danny!

It's a shame they're going to tear the whole place down.

Leo, he's been around here--

Jeez, as long as I can remember. Great guy!

He lets me in any time I want.

Sometimes it's good to be a cop.

Oh, yeah.

My brother had his bachelor party here. Whoa!

It was great! We played baseball all night.

We had half-barrels on the bases so every time a guy got a hit

And you got on base you had to chug a pint.

So all night it was hit, drink, hit, drink, hit, drink.

All night long it went like that!

It was gr-- In the morning, okay,

The Sox came out, they got a day game.

They came out here, 20 drunken Irishmen all over the infield.

It was a mess!

Guys were throwing up. Oh God.

That was funny.

That's the wrong story to tell you.

I didn't mean to bring that one up.

That's a bad story to tell on a first date. That's not a good story.

I'm sorry, that's a bad story.

It was funny, but that's not a good one to tell you,

I'm sorry about that.

I've been Mr. Motormouth all night long.

Gee, I'm sorry. Why don't you take the floor for a while?

- Me? - Yeah.

You don't want to hear about me.

- Yes I do. - It's boring.

No, come on!

Like what?

Like anything, I don't know, like...

What your favorite color is,

what you're gonna do with your life,

how many brothers and sisters you got?

I don't care. Really, anything.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot.

Light blue.

Sorry?

My favorite color is light blue.

That's a very nice color.

Light blue, yeah.

It's terrific.

Boy, it's a shame they're gonna tear this all down.

Was everything okay with dinner?

It was fine.

See, you didn't eat much.

It was very good. Thanks.

Chicken was a little greasy, wasn't it?

No.

It's not late. Want to go out for a drink?

Watch yourself there.

No, I--

I have to work in the morning.

- Somebody die? - Two people.

- Big day, huh? - Yeah.

Well...

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Danny.

Yeah?

Is everything okay?

You all right?

I had a wonderful time tonight.

You did?

I know it seemed like I didn't.

Seemed like you wanted to be on another planet.

I didn't.

Look, I know I talk too much sometimes, and I apologize--

No, it's not you.

It's me.

You?

I have this thing.

What thing?

I have this

introverted kind of thing.

Introverted? That just means you're shy.

No, it's worse than shy.

I guess it doesn't help spending eight hours a day

With people who don't talk back to you.

No, I guess not.

But I'm trying to get past it.

To beat it.

And it isn't easy, but if you could just

Bear with me and maybe give me one more chance,

I think I'm gonna get a lot better,

Because I'm feeling

very comfortable around you.

And I would really like to go out with you again.

If you would, you know,

like to go out with me again.

I'd love to see you again.

- Yeah? - What are you, nuts?

I didn't mean that.

That's good. That's great.

Yeah! That is great.

There's a Waterway Terrace, 20 miles from St. Pete.

- Is that you, Danny? - Yeah, Ma.

- How was your date? - It was nice, very nice.

Did you spend all evening talking about dead bodies?

No, we didn't talk shop.

What are you doing here so late? Susan kick you out of the house?

He's got a surprise for you.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

You're moving to Florida.

I'm what?

You and Mom. You're moving To St. Pete.

I played 18 with Burroughs yesterday,

He agreed to move you to a Florida precinct.

Why? Why now?

I needed an investment. I was thinking about our talk.

And Danny, you're absolutely right.

Mom needs a change of pace.

Yeah, but what about me?

Maybe I'm not ready to leave Chicago.

You'll want to leave Chicago eventually.

So what difference does it make if it's a couple of years earlier?

Why wouldn't you talk to me first?

I wanted to surprise you.

It's a surprise, all right. So is being hit by a bus.

Now be polite.

This is costing Patrick a lot of money.

Look, I don't want to rain on your parade,

But I'd like to be included in a decision

that's gonna affect the rest of my life. - Hey, Danny,

This is gonna be great for all of us.

Yeah, well you're not the one that's moving.

Would you think about Ma?

All her relatives live down there.

Think about how happy she's gonna be.

And you don't have to worry about her slipping on the ice

And breaking her hip. Or catching pneumonia from that draft upstairs.

Yeah.

Or walking into the side of a cab

Because she's too stubborn to buy a pair of glasses.

- You're right. - Danny,

you should have seen her face when I told her.

- Really? - 20 years just...

Melted away.

- Where's the stinker? - Apartment 603.

The elevator's broken so you're gonna

have to carry the body down the stairs.

Son of a bitch!

Wagon men. You couldn't pay me enough.

So, you get laid, or what?

No, no, it was just a date.

- What's her name? - Theresa.

Theresa. The lovely Theresa!

Would you stop that?

So was she good in the sack, or what?

Will you drop it, please?

Speaking of which... Oh, my back!

God damn elevator!

I'm not carrying this guy down six flights of stairs, I'll tell you that now.

What do you want to do, roll him down the stairs?

Just a second.

Check it out, man!

Hey, Sal.

- Yeah. - About the football game.

Oh yeah, I'm really excited, man.

50 yardline seats. They're playing the packers.

We'll be able to nab some good autographs from the sidelines.

Yeah, um, I can't go.

What? It's not bingo night, is it?

No, I promised Theresa I'd take her to the ballet.

The ballet, huh?

- Pussy whipped. - Pardon?

Look, I can give two shits about the game.

It's you I'm worried about.

- Me? - Yeah.

Hey, don't go getting serious and falling for this chick, all right?

Why, is something wrong with that?

Well, you know, you gotta leave your options open, Danny.

That's all. Lady-wise, you've broken a dry spell, right?

So, maybe you're on a roll, that's all.

You know, ask out some of the other babes.

Sample some of the other flavors. That's what I would do,

You know what I mean? Otherwise, you're gonna get trapped.

Believe me,

it's miserable.

Huh?

Okay, we got it.

All right.

Aw, shit!

- What'll we do now? - Guess we have to bring him back up.

I ain't bringing him back up. He's too damn heavy!

What do you suggest we do?

- Cut the hose. - Cut the hose?

- Yeah, let him fall. - To the ground?

- Yeah. - A fall like that could kill a guy.

He's dead, for Christ's sake! He's not gonna feel nothing.

- I don't think it's such a bright idea. - Why not?

Well for one thing, look at the crowd down there.

Maybe you're right.

Let's just bring him up.

Aw, shit.

Sometimes, it is not good to be a cop.

- How much is it? - That's $790 plus tax.

I'll take it.

Oh, good.

Is there a lay-away plan?

- Oh, yes Sir. - Mmm.

- Good. - Of course, the suit has to stay here.

Oh, sure. I knew that.

- I don't suppose you can rent the suit?

- No, Sir, not at this store.

- I was joking. I knew that. - Yes.

Yeah, no, I'll take it. I like it very much.

- Nice lines to it. - It looks very nice on you, Sir.

- Not too flashy, huh? - No, no.

- It's very conservative. - Yeah, that's me.

I'm very conservative myself.

- So I would naturally go, you know... - Yeah.

...for a more conservative look.

It looks much like a banker.

Really? Banker.

Yeah.

Hello. How much would you like today?

- $790.

- Go ahead. - All right.

- Don't forget to say thank you.

- Want some more candy? - Yeah, as much as we can.

- Coming.

Trick or treat.

Tell your parents these are from Rose Muldoon.

- Cooked in her own kitchen. - Okay, thank you.

- Good bye. - Bye.

- Where are you going all dressed up? - I'm going on a date.

- Since when? - Since last week when I told you.

- You did not. - I did too.

I told you this Saturday night I'm taking Theresa to the ballet.

Oh, I would have remembered.

And who's gonna help me hand out the apples now?

Come on, Ma, you can do it.

We only get about 50 trick or treaters.

You think I'm going to that door alone?

What if it's a crack maniac dressed as Frankenstein?

Or a rapist dressed up like Elmer Fudd?

Well I'll tell you what you do, Ma.

You peek out the window. And if Elmer Fudd's

over four feet tall, you don't let him in.

We always gave out the apples together on Halloween.

You must have some sort of affection for this girl.

New suit. Ballet. Fancy schmancy.

Theresa happens to be a very nice girl, Ma.

Is she Irish?

No. No, she's not.

She's-- She's Italian.

- A guinea? - Oh, Ma.

Oh, at least tell me she's not a Sicilian, please?

She is Sicilian, Ma.

- Black death. - Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

How many times have I told you to keep away from those Sicilians?

They'll cut your stomach out if they think you've swallowed a penny.

I gotta get out of here.

- And who started the Cosa Nostra?

The Sicilians. Who invented prostitution, drugs, gambling?

The Sicilians. My father used to always say...

I know, I know. "I'd rather spend eternity in Hell

than shake hands with a Sicilian."

- See to it you remember that tonight. - I will.

I gotta go. Have a happy Halloween, Ma.

You too.

There'll be a lot of pretty Irish girls in Florida.

- Sometimes it's good to be a cop. - Yeah.

- Hold on.

Aw. Look at that.

What a darling little costume.

Aren't we scary?

- Trick or treat!

Now shut up and get inside!

You crack maniac!

If my son were here he'd shoot you. Shoot you dead!

Does your mother know what you're doing for a living?

Oh, Danny.

I hope your fancy schmancy ballet was worth it.

I'll be right back.

Sorry.

Is everything okay? - Yeah.

I just had to check on my mom.

Oh.

- I'd like to do make-up for Broadway. - Really?

- Maybe give new york a shot. - Why not, you know?

If you think about it, what I do every day

Is like the theater. I mean,

You've got this person on display in front of everybody.

- You've got to make them look good. - Of course.

That's why when somebody dies,

the first thing I do is figure out what celebrity they look like.

Then I fix up the dead person to look just like them.

- That's a talent. - It's good practice.

I haven't had any complaints from the relatives.

- So far.

This is a plan to get me out of the house.

I don't like it. I don't like being used.

You're not being used.

Patrick and Susan just want to spend some time alone with you, that's all.

And you want to spend some time alone with this girl.

I just want to have a nice dinner with her.

Any silverware she uses, wash it twice, heavy on the rinse cycle.

Those Sicilian germs stick to your forks like glue.

Why don't you take her out to dinner?

Because I want to cook.

Ha. She eats your cooking, it'll be a short romance.

Well, I learned from the best.

Kidding! I'm kidding!

- Nick the Greek asked me for a date. - Yeah? You gonna go?

I told him I'd consider it if he did something for me.

- Yeah, like what? - Watch this house.

- Watch this house? Why? - Let me know when that girl leaves.

If she's not out of here by 1:00, Nick will tell me.

What?

Why would you do that?

I guard the most dangerous criminals in Chicago.

I think I can look after my own life.

There are bars between you and those prisoners.

Nick! Don't forget.

- Hi, Ma. - Hi.

- Good luck, Danny. - Thanks.

Nick, how could you do this to me?

I'm a lonely man, Danny.

In love with a woman who

despises me.

I'm-- I'm desperate.

But don't worry.

I won't let my heartache

interfere with your chances for romance.

As far as I'm concerned, that girl

Will leave this house this evening at 11:35 pm

On the button.

I owe you, Nick.

Ow! Jeez!

Aagh!

Mmm.

Oh!

A little bit more.

- Son of a bitch! - Hi.

Hi.

The door was open, so I thought I'd just come in.

Good, sure, yeah.

Is everything okay?

Actually, no.

I just destroyed dinner.

Ma usually does the cooking.

I'm not really that hungry anyway.

Really?

Good.

Very good.

And this, of course, is my room.

I gotta really decorate it up.

It's starting to look like an old elk's lodge.

- It's nice. - Oh, and what is this?

I guess the maid left it.

You were planning this.

No, I-- I wasn't planning anything.

I didn't expect you to just come in here and, you know,

Jump in-- no. No, I didn't mean that, I meant--

A little bit I was planning. Just a little bit.

You know, just this far.

It's okay. I told my father

I was going to spend the night at my girlfriend's house.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, that's great.

- What is it?

Oh, it's silly, you know, really.

What it is, it's just--

It's Catholic guilt is what it is.

That's exactly what it is.

Sorry.

Now, you were saying something about...

Morning! Time to wake up.

Come on, rise and shine.

- It's breakfast. - You made me breakfast?

Well, sort of, yeah. It's a little burnt toast

And lumpy tea.

- Oh! - The tea bag burst in there.

I think there's a lot of seeds and twigs in there.

No, that's so sweet.

Well, I wouldn't eat it, I don't know.

Oh, what time did that girl leave?

11:35 pm, on the button.

Hey, hey!

We have a date, huh?

I'm busy this week. Talk to me next week.

Rose! Hey, Rose!

A promise is a promise. Hey!

Damn women.

- Danny? - Oh my God, it's my mom!

- Hurry up, come on! - Where am I gonna go?

- You gotta hide, hide, hide. - Where?

No, not here! Over there, over there!

- Where? - Just wait there. Don't say anything.

Danny?

- My clothes! - Clothes, you got clothes.

What is she doing home now?

- Danny, I'm home. - Ah! Ma!

What are you doing home so early?

I took the early train before anybody was awake.

Oh, good.

- What's that for? - Keeping your promise.

Nick said you had that Dago girl out of here at 11:35

on the button. - Dago girl?

Oh yeah, almost forgot that.

I'll go to my room and unpack my bags.

Okay, why don't you do that?

- What's this? - It's a hat. It's a hat.

- Sacrilegious! - Wait, I'll do it! I'll do that!

Don't do that when I can do that when I could have done that.

What on earth is the matter with you?

Nothing. Nothing.

- Didn't you sleep well? - Yes-- no. No I didn't.

We'd better get you a new mattress.

Oh, good idea. Very good idea.

Yeah, that's what we have to do.

Okay, come on. Hurry up.

- Will you hurry? - I'm hurrying.

Whoa!

I'm 38 years old. I don't need this.

I'm getting chest pains. Hurry up, will you?

- So that was your mother, huh? - Yeah, that was her.

- What do you think? - Dago girl?

Oh, that. She's got a very eccentric vocabulary.

Had she known you were in the room

she never would have said it, believe me.

You look very nice, by the way.

Hello.

I'll be down in a minute and make you some breakfast.

Oh, that'll be nice.

Yeah, a little breakfast.

- Bye. - Bye.

Mom, promise me you'll be on your best behavior.

- Oh, I will, I will. - Okay, thank you.

There she is.

Where are her breasts?

- What? - She's got no breasts.

Did she have some sort of an operation?

She's fine. It's her dress. It's just a little big on top, that's all.

- Is she anorexic or anything? - No!

If she goes to the bathroom more than three times during dinner

that's a sign she's bulimic. - What?

She's throwing up what she just ate in the bathroom.

Please. Hi!

- Hi. - How are you?

Uh, Ma, this is Theresa.

Theresa, this is my mother.

Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Muldoon.

Rose. I'm Rose.

Rose.

- That's a lovely dress you're wearing. - Isn't it?

- Thank you. - Even though it is a little big on top.

- Ma! - Well it is. You said so yourself.

- Ma! - No, that's a problem I have.

I'm not really that endowed on top.

- No, no, no. - You're built like a 13-year-old boy.

Mom, would you please? Don't start.

It's a joke. I'm trying to make jokes here.

- I'm trying to lighten things up a little. - Okay. Thank you.

- Would anyone like a cocktail? - I'll have a beer.

And don't try to sneak any of that sorry imported swill off on me

At $6 a bottle. Just a plain glass of Budweiser.

- Yes, Ma'am. Sir?

I'll have a beer. Just any beer is fine.

Yes, Ma'am?

I'll have a Vodka double on the rocks.

- Good. - Oh, a Vodka drinker.

Ma, Theresa's probably a little nervous.

You know, being here with us and all. You can understand that.

It's the first signs of alcoholism.

- What? - I read it in "Reader's Digest."

Rose, I can assure you I'm not an alcoholic.

Oh, denial, that's another symptom.

The article said that one shot of Vodka

Was equal to all the calories in a ham sandwich.

Good. Maybe I'll gain some weight and grow breasts for you.

That's funny!

Growing brea--

Let's order, shall we? Shall we order? Theresa?

Ma?

- I know what I may-- - Yes, Sir?

I'll have the shrimp cocktail, please.

And the Caesar salad, no anchovies.

And the prime rib, medium.

- Very good. - Make that medium rare.

- Very good, Sir. - Thank you.

- There you go. - Thank you. Ma'am?

I'll have the grilled chicken.

- Good. - That's all.

- Don't you want an appetizer? - No thank you.

Don't push it.

Ma'am?

Nothing.

- Nothing? - Nothing for me.

- Ma! - Just bread.

- Ma! - Bread's fine, thank you.

Thank you.

Are you trying to ruin this dinner?

I'm trying to save you $50.

I'll fill up on bread here and then I'll eat something when I get home.

I don't believe this.

Now, Theresa, Danny tells me that you're Sicilian.

Yes, part.

- Part? - My father is Sicilian.

My mother was Polish.

- Polish. - Yes.

- Polish? - I meant to tell you.

- Polish? - Polish.

I had a Polack friend once. She was incredibly stupid.

- Don't do this, Ma. - Julie Kapowski.

She was the stupidest woman that I ever knew.

She believed that black cows--

black cows squirted chocolate milk!

- Better if you and Danny have dinner alone. - Theresa, wait.

Why don't you have my grilled chicken?

Cut it up in small pieces and devour it. You seem to be very good at that.

Oh.

Theresa!

Are you all right?

I've never been in an argument before.

I've never said those things to anybody.

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

Just take a deep breath. You'll be fine.

I actually stood up for myself for the first time in my life.

Not that I had much choice.

What?

You just sat there. You didn't do anything to stop her.

- Like what? - I don't know,

scream at her, slap her. Just get her to leave me alone.

Theresa, she's my mother.

So that gives her the right to rip me apart?

What was I supposed to do?

- Fight for me. - Fight for you?

You've gotta understand my mother.

She's old. She's set in her ways.

It's gonna take her a while to get used to you.

- No it won't. - Why not?

Because I won't be around.

Oh, please, don't do this.

No, I want a guy who will always fight for me.

Who will always stand up for me.

Who will never let me down.

I thought that guy was you.

I was wrong.

- Wait a minute, Theresa. - Taxi!

Come on, what are you doing?

Don't do this. Don't do this.

Theresa, let's talk about it, all right?

- Just talk to M--

I'm starving. I'm going to the kitchen to get something to eat.

I suppose you're proud of yourself.

Just telling it like it is.

That's been your excuse for the last 67 years.

- My excuse? - Your excuse for hurting people

Whenever the hell you feel like it!

- I don't hurt people. - Oh, no?

I guess you didn't hurt aunt Dolly on her wedding day

When you said she looked like a cheap Las Vegas hooker.

Did you see the dress? The back of it was cut down to here.

You could see the crack of her-- well, it was indecent.

I guess you didn't hurt cousin Jerry

when you called his German wife a Nazi who probably slept with Hitler.

Well, there's no proof that she didn't.

I guess you never hurt Dad, either.

I never hurt your father, ever.

Florsheim shoes?

How do you know about that?

You came home late. You were arguing.

I woke up. I was scared. I didn't know what was going on.

So I listened in at the door.

A little spy.

- I was only 12. - Spy!

Florsheim shoes was his big account. He worked on that

for over two and a half years. - Danny!

- You blew it in one night. - Danny, don't.

All he had to do was sign a deal at dinner.

One fancy schmancy dinner with a VP from Florsheim.

I'm going to bed.

No you're not.

Everything was fine that evening. Dinner was perfect.

Dad had them in the palm of his hand.

Until you decided it was time to tell it like it is.

I was right. I still stand by what I said.

You called Dad's bosses filthy Jew shylocks!

They never gave him a raise.

Not in 12 years. Not one Christmas bonus.

The vice president of Florsheim and his wife were Jewish!

How was I supposed to know? They didn't look Jewish.

I wasn't talking about them. They took it personal.

You lost the account for him!

$450,000 to the company!

He's lucky he didn't lose his job!

Your father never stood up to his bosses.

It was time somebody set the record straight.

That night

was the only time I ever heard my father cry.

And still to this day,

you still tell it like it is.

I don't mean to hurt people.

Really.

- Where are you going? - To Halstead.

A friend of mine owns a jewelry shop.

He owes me a favor. I'm gonna make him open up his store.

Then I'm gonna buy the biggest engagement ring I can afford.

Then I'm gonna ask Theresa Luna to be my wife.

Just telling it like it is, Ma.

What are you doing?

Well, I was just in the neighborhood

And I thought I'd drop by.

Sometimes it's good to be a cop.

What do you want?

I just want to say that I'll always stand by you.

And I'll never let you down again.

I swear.

And, uh...

I got the light blue stones.

I thought you'd like that.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Great!

Hey, Mr. Happy, how about a towel?

Getting married. Mail-order bride?

That bobby's a real asshole, you know that?

Hey, Danny.

My best friend is making the biggest mistake of his life.

So I thought that deserved a toast.

I don't know why you're doing it, Danny.

I told you, it's because I love her.

And your mother, she hates Italians.

- You know that. - She got used to you.

- Took her 15 years. - And she'll get used to Theresa.

Yeah, but she's gonna miss you, Danny.

I'm just getting married, that's all.

She's taking this fine. She's handling it very well.

- Oh she is, is she? - Yes, she is.

- Hello, Mrs. Muldoon. - Oh, yeah right.

- Hello, Sal. - Jesus, Ma, what are you doing here?

Oh, stop fussing. I probably diapered half of them.

- Come on. - Why?

- We have an appointment. - With who?

- The Polack priest. - The Polack priest?

- Why? - We've got to settle our problems.

Why can't this wait till later?

Protestants and Jews go to the psychiatrist.

We go to the priest.

You feel threatened by Theresa.

- Threatened? - Yes.

See, she's taking up a lot of Danny's time.

You're feeling threatened that she's trying to steal your son.

- What? - Rose.

I know you realize it's the '90s.

I'm just not sure you realize it's the 1990s.

I've never been threatened by anyone, ever!

And I've been through D-day, Korea, Vietnam--

Just relax.

You see that?

That's what I don't want to become.

I don't want to be one of those old ladies

Who spends the rest of their life standing in line.

What do you mean, standing in line?

They stand in line for the confessional

Every single day, even though they have no sins to confess.

Just so they can blather with the priest about Vatican II.

And they stand in line outside the movie theater

even though they've seen the movie 10 times

just so they can complain to whoever's standing near them.

About the price of the ticket.

And they stand in line at the grocery store

Just so they can complain to the cashier

About the price of frozen string beans.

Whether they should be 29 or 39 cents.

And do you know why they spend so much time standing in line?

No.

Because there's nobody else

in the world they can talk to.

- How's that look? - It looks good.

- Yeah? Feels all right. - It looks real good.

What do you think? You like the style of this?

Yeah, it's fine.

Just fine? I thought it looked pretty good.

What's with you?

You've been moping around all day.

This is supposed to be fun.

Hey, could you guys give us a minute? Thanks.

- Look, Danny. - Yeah?

- I've been thinking. - Yeah?

Maybe-- maybe this isn't such a good idea.

What's not a good idea?

You know, this wedding thing.

Maybe you're rushing into it.

You just met her a little while ago,

maybe you should take a break.

Go to Florida with Mom.

Maybe you'll meet some knockout in a bikini.

Something wrong with Theresa?

I didn't say that. Did you hear me say that?

There is nothing wrong with Theresa.

She's just...

Just what?

Well, she's a little plain.

Oh, a little plain, huh?

Yeah.

And what's this? The cover of "GQ?"

Oh, this is hot, huh?

Great look. I'll buy next month's issue.

- I just think you can do better. - I don't think so.

This is the girl. You got that?

- She's the one. - Dan, take it easy.

Just being truthful.

We're brothers, right? We're supposed to be truthful with each other?

- Don't give me this two-way lawyer crap. - What's that mean?

You couldn't give two shits about me or Theresa.

- All you care about is yourself. - Hey, that is bullshit!

Is it? You want me to change my mind.

You want me to go to Florida and live with Ma.

- Then you wouldn't have to feel so guilty. - Hey, Danny, come on--

Forget it. This is my chance, you understand?

You took your chance. You got someone to wake up with in the morning.

You got a house full of kids.

You got a train around the Christmas tree

And little ones in Halloween outfits.

You want me to feel guilty for wanting the same things?

Fuck you!

Listen to you. You go off and get laid one time,

And you think you're in love. Come on!

- Is he all right? - It's all right. It's okay.

Don't worry about it. It's all right.

I'm a cop, it's okay. All right?

Sorry, I didn't meant to hit you.

The hell I didn't! I meant to hit you.

It's okay, I--

I deserved it. I was out of line.

Look, Danny, all I'm trying to say

Is make sure that you're in love with this girl.

Make sure it's real.

What's the matter with you today?

You seem a little edgy.

I'm fine.

What is it?

I'm fine.

Really.

Come on, Danny.

I got a lot on my mind, okay?

You can tell me.

- It's just that... - Yeah?

Ever since my dad died I've been in charge.

Ma and Patrick, they've depended on me.

To be responsible.

To take care of things, and I have.

I've always been there for them when they needed me.

Everything I've ever done,

every decision I've ever made was for them.

I became a cop because Ma wanted Patrick to go to law school.

She didn't have the extra money

so I came through.

I'd do it again. I'm not complaining.

It's just that...

Well, now

You and me,

It's the only time--

The only time in my life

I've made a decision without thinking of them first.

And...

I guess I'm a little scared.

I'm afraid they're going to think that I've abandoned them.

I know that sounds stupid.

I just don't want to lose my family.

- Yeah, that's fine. - There you go.

Whoa, got beer behind you here. Excuse me.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, Joey, how's the stiff business?

- Good to meet you. - My wife.

I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, yeah? Standing at the bar?

Oh, yeah. Of course.

All right.

This is a very sad day for myself and spats.

We lose a valuable member

of our exclusive club,

bachelorhood!

Excuse me, I would like to make a speech.

But I would like to make a speech in Greek.

Who would understand it but me?

But anyway, Danny, Theresa,

to speak Greek, you only need three words.

It means "I love you."

Everybody, I'd like to propose a toast.

To my beautiful daughter and her future husband.

Tomorrow you'll be married.

One little word of advice, okay?

Let nothing come between you.

- Salut! - Salut!

So, my son is getting married.

And it seems that all of you approve of his choice.

But you haven't heard my side of the story.

I refuse

and I repeat,

I absolutely refuse

to accept Theresa Luna as my daughter-in-law.

I will only accept her

as my daughter.

Really?

- Goodnight, Ma. - Goodnight.

- Had a great time. - It was a wonderful evening.

- Spats. - Goodnight, now. Drive carefully.

- Goodnight, Danny, Theresa. - Goodnight.

- Ma, I'm gonna take Theresa home. - Fine.

Rose, I'll drive you over to the Irish village,

we'll talk a little treason. - Thanks, but I'm tired.

It's not even midnight. I'll drive.

Excuse me.

Ma, do not get in the car with that man tonight. He's been drinking.

Don't worry, I'll go straight home.

- You promise? - I promise.

- Goodnight, Ma. - Goodnight, Danny.

- My car's over here. - I promised Danny I'd go straight home.

- It's all right. - No, I don't--

It's a big night. We should be celebrating!

- No, I'm tired. I'd rather go home. - Just one little drink.

No, I don't want anything to drink.

Aw, come on, Rose!

We're driving to Niagara falls?

Yeah, I thought that would be a neat trip.

We can't go to Niagara falls. It's too cold.

- No, it'll be fine. - It's freezing.

But then we're gonna go down to New York City and see some shows.

- Some Broadway shows? - You can pick up some pointers.

Wait, look. That's our wedding cake.

Oh, wow, look at that.

- This is ours? - Yeah.

- Huh! - It's pretty!

- This guy's good. - Yeah, he's great.

So pretty.

I'm so excited about tomorrow.

So happy.

Rose, how about just one little drink?

No, thanks, I don't want anything to drink.

Are you sure you're going to be able to drive?

Positive.

My god, you're driving all over the street!

Look, I'm fine. Shut up!

Watch out where you're going!

Oh my god! You're driving down a one-way street!

Wake up, wake up!

Get your foot off the gas!

Wake up, wake up!

Oh, Daniel, I hope you have a wonderful wedding!

Danny?

Danny, are you okay?

Excuse me, I'll be back in a moment.

Ma? You're home.

Good, I was just checking in on you, that's all.

I'll, uh,

I'll see you later. Okay, goodnight.

What's wrong?

You called her the night before our wedding?

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure she got home okay.

I don't believe this.

- What? - Are we ever gonna be alone?

What's that supposed to mean?

Call her again. It's been five minutes.

Maybe she burned down the house, fell down the stairs.

- That's not funny. - No, it's not funny.

It's sad.

It's sad that she's always in the back of your mind making you feel guilty.

It's like she has some kind of hold on you.

I honestly believed

that if we loved each other enough

maybe you could let her go.

And what am I supposed to do? Just forget about her?

Slough her off? Pretend she doesn't exist?

No, just stop letting her run your life.

Be your own person, your own man.

And put us first.

You can't,

can you?

I don't know.

It's midnight. I better be going.

It's bad luck to see the bride after midnight.

Here you go, Ma.

You seen Danny yet or what?

He should be here by now.

Yeah, you would think so.

Danny.

Hi. Susan, is Theresa here yet?

- No. - She didn't call or anything?

No, not yet.

Keep going.

- Thanks, Mary. - Bye, Danny.

- Hi, Frank. - Morning, Danny.

- Hi, Clark. - Morning, Danny.

Me being your best friend and all,

I'd like to know what the hell happened.

- Just forget it. - It was your Ma, wasn't it?

- She made you call it off, didn't she? - No.

It wasn't a sexual problem, was it?

- You can function as a man and all, right? - Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

It was her. What, does she want to do it like a corpse?

You know, I hear they're weird, these people that work with the dead.

- What is with you? - What?

Does everything in your life have to relate to sex?

Everything in life does relate to sex. Think about it.

Do you realize that 45% of these people in these buildings

Right now are having sex of some sort?

That's a statistic, Danny.

- Am I right? - It's a fact.

- It's a fact. - What is with you? You're twisted.

- What? - What are you thinking? What's in your mind?

You and your buddy Dr. Ruth, back there. I mean, come on!

Oh, I can hardly wait to get to Florida.

Maybe I'll find a partner who's got more than a grape nut for a brain.

- The usual? - What do you suppose?

Ah. Where's Doyle?

Heart attack.

What?

They found him this morning.

Passed away in his sleep last night.

- Where's his family? - What family?

His mom died 15 years ago.

He's got a sister in a nursing home.

Never married. No kids.

I guess we're it.

Rose!

Rose.

Before you go I--

We could have been great together.

I'll go back in and see if I forgot anything.

Uh-huh.

Oh, go on.

There we are. Wait here, okay?

I'm gonna go help Ma.

Oh, do me a favor. Give me the keys to your cruiser.

Yeah. No problem, man.

- Thanks, man. - Yeah.

You know, Danny,

I'm actually gonna miss this house.

Yeah.

Well, there's no point in getting all teary-eyed about it.

Get your bags. Come on, let's go.

What's keeping you? We'll miss the plane.

- I'm not going with you, Ma. - What?

It hit me yesterday at the funeral.

If I go with you to Florida,

I'd be leaving behind the best thing that ever happen to me.

If it's not too late, I'm gonna try to get her back.

So, you're sending me off to Florida alone?

No. Ma, Aunt Jean and Uncle Walter,

they're gonna meet you at the airport.

Uncle Walter. He's always trying to look under my skirt

when I cross my legs. - Ma, come on, please.

Very well.

Fine.

Who needs you anyway?

Ma!

Ma!

I'm an old woman. I can't be expected

To wait on you hand and foot for the rest of my life.

I'm sick and tired of doing your laundry,

ironing your shirts, cooking your meals.

I've lost gallons of sweat and buckets of blood.

All for you.

You've been nothing but a ball and chain

Of heartache and hurt. Hanging around my neck

for too many god forsaken years.

It'll be good riddance to you.

- I'm sorry, Danny. - That's okay, Ma.

You were just telling it like it is.

No, Danny.

I was lying.

Telling it like it is would hurt too much right now.

Go. Marry that girl.

Have lots of Irish-Dago mutts.

And every once in a while bring them to Florida

To see their grandmother.

I love you, Ma.

I'm not so loveable.

True enough. I'm kidding.

- Danny? - Yeah.

She's gone. New york, 3:15 train.

Oh, damn.

- Lois, this is Danny Muldoon.

- Yeah, Danny. - Get me Freddy Nunzio at Union Station.

- And hurry. - 10-4.

On behalf of captain Anderson and the entire crew,

we hope you have a very pleasant flight. - Thank you.

My name is Nora. I'm the first flight attendant on--

- Hey! - Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

What the hell are you doing here?

Danny gave me his ticket.

The thought of you traveling to Florida all alone

nearly broke my heart. That's why I'm here.

A kiss before take off?

Forget it!

I'm going to sleep!

Well, at last we get to sleep together.

Folks, we have to make an unscheduled stop here.

There's gonna be a bit of a delay.

For security reasons everyone will have to deboard the train.

We're sorry for the inconvenience. Thank you.

Theresa!

Hi.

You did all this, didn't you?

Sometimes it's good to be a cop.

So what do you want?

All aboard!

I-- I--

I just wanna--

I--

Don't you hate all the uncomfortable stuff

That goes with trying to ask somebody to get back together with you?

I'll make it easy for you. I'll give you a list of excuses.

All you have to do is answer yes or no. Okay?

Good. Here goes.

Reasons why you and I can't get back together--

- You're seeing somebody else. - No.

- You're moving into a convent. - No.

You're having your legs waxed?

No.

You've fallen out of love with me?

No.

- No? - No.

That's great.

Maybe you and me,

we should-- - You forgot one thing.

- What? - Your mother.

She's gone.

- To Florida? - She's on a plane.

So how do I know you won't hop a flight to be with her

tomorrow or next week or next month?

Because I'm the one who let her go.

And I'm ready to put us first.

Final boarding call for all passengers

traveling to New York City.

- Come on. - Where?

Well we're boarding.

- You're going to New York? - I know this police sergeant in the Bronx.

He transferred from Chicago. Maybe he can pull a few strings.

Get me a line on a job.

You'd do that? You'd leave everything behind just to be with me?

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

To our homeland or we will all die!

- Nobody move!

- Rose!

Danny, relax.

I can take care of myself.

Is everything okay?

Couldn't be better. Come on.